Archive | May, 2008

Dethroning my idol of thinness

13 May

My mom mailed me a couple new books this past weekend. I’ve already almost finished one. It was about making peace with your body image from a Christian perspective. It was good. It’s main premise is that once you understand who you are–God’s beloved child, chosen before the foundation of the world and redeemed by Christ on the cross–you will be able to embrace and respect your body as a gift from God. That respect will in turn enable you to care for your body through eating right and exercising instead of punishing and starving it.

It made me realize that Christ died to free me from the world and its unrealistic expectations. Romans 12:2 says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Only by the transformation of my mind through the power of the Gospel will I be able to discover what is good, acceptable, and perfect. It’s not chiseled abs, a small waist, the latest fashions. For a godly woman, it is “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4). The key to accepting my body and respecting it is seeing myself the way God sees me and letting His opinion be the only one that matters.

I am also reading another book that isn’t Christian but I think it will also help me stop obsessing about food, weight, and body image. It’s called Intuitive Eating. The authors pretty much say that by listening to your body’s hunger cues (not bingeing or starving but feeding it when it’s hungry and stopping when it’s full) your body will reach its natural equilibrium. And the best part–you can still eat all your favorite foods!

I have been “practicing” intuitive eating since last fall–except for my month-long detour into calorie counting. It is an amazing feeling to eat dinner, enjoy it, and yet not eat so much that you feel like all you can do afterwards is go lie down. Like last night, after dinner (tacos), I cleaned our apartment. I literally put my dishes in the sink and grabbed the vaccuum. After being a frequent overeater for many years, being able to do this feels great.

I still have a ways to go. I still sometimes tally calories in my head, steer clear of certain “bad” foods, or feel guilty if I eat a decadent dessert. I want to get to a place where eating what my body needs and stopping when I’m full is second-nature and I don’t even have to think about it. I don’t want to obsess about my weight and food for the rest of my life. So much wasted energy!! 

Last night, as I was praying, I asked God to help change my mentality regarding weight and food. I asked Him to make me thankful for all the things that my body can do (like run a half marathon!) and to believe that I am perfect in His eyes–He personally sewed me together in my mother’s womb and hand-chose everything about me. I know that I need His help to change and to stop worshipping the idol of thinness. I’m excited to see His faithfulness at work!

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Ready to run

11 May

I got new running shoes yesterday from the Boulder Running Company. I am so excited!!

The guy helping me had me try on about 6 different pairs, go run on the treadmill while they tape my feet, and then analyze how each shoe aids my foot strike, pronation, and lift off. I went with the Nike Air Zoom Structure Triax +11. That’s a mouthful.

I took them for a test run–literally–this morning. 4.35 miles and they feel great!!

Here’s what they look like:

nike shoe

I really love running in the mornings. If I didn’t have to leave for work by 7:30, I would run in the morning all the time (running at 5:00 is a little too early!) I went this morning before church though and just enjoyed being outside, getting some exercise. I also enjoyed being able to run without worrying about distance and pace. I timed myself just for the heck of it and found that I was actually running under 11 minute miles too! Comfortably! It was just one of those mornings that make me think “Man, I love running!!”

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Ready to give?

10 May

I love Saturdays. I love waking up around 9:00 and getting in the Word for at least 45 minutes. This verse caught my eye as I was doing my Bible reading plan today:

“For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have.” (2 Corinthians 8:12)

Paul is talking about financial giving in this passage but goes on to say that our giving shouldn’t cause us to be burdened while others are eased but that we should give out of our present abundance–our “more than enough.”

I think this verse speaks to what a lot of Christians think about giving, myself included. I have a desire to give, not just financially but with my time and energy. I want to be a relief worker for the American Red Cross or the Peace Corps. I want to cook meals for the homeless, be a friend to the forgotten, and giver to the needy.

But something always stops me. I can always find a reason why “now is not a good time.”

Sometimes it’s practicality. Other times it’s scheduling conflicts. Other times it’s not having enough money. Or being scared. Or being indifferent when the excitement of the idea wears off. Or passing the idea off as a impractical ideal–after all, I’m an adult now with bills and a full-time job, right?

But Paul doesn’t make room for excuses in this verse. He says that if we have the readiness and the desire to give, whatever we have at that moment is acceptable, whether it’s a lot or just a little. I don’t have to wait until the day that I am perfectly set up for giving.

Which is a good eye-opener/reminder for me. I keep thinking about the days when I’ll be a stay-at-home mom. THEN I’ll be able to bake cookies as sweet reminders (no pun intended) for friends and people who are struggling. THEN I’ll be able to volunteer at my local homeless shelter or library or wherever I would volunteer at.

But if I keep making excuses now, when I don’t have any kids and am not involved in many activities, will I ever stop making them? Will I ever be “perfectly set up” for giving and volunteering?

I don’t think so. I think there will always be things to get in the way, things I think I should be doing instead, things that make giving or volunteering seem a little bit impractical and unwise.

But God calls us to trust in Him, not to be wise or practical in our own eyes. He calls us to live bold, fearless lives for Christ, whatever that entails. So if I am not stepping out on a limb, not for lack of a limb but for lack of trust, then I am not living my life in faith. I am stagnating, treading water, waiting for a day that may never come.

So now the hard part: how to put this into practice? I am notorious for good insights and no follow-through. I have found that I like philosophizing much more than I like applying. But evangelism and serving others have been on my heart for quite some time now. This gives me a good launch point into some serious reflection–and if the Lord wills (and enables), some action.

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Men, women, and dishes

8 May

This could go for just about any aspect of cleaning but this morning it happened to be involving dishes.

I typically get up about 30-45 minutes earlier than Travis. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to shower, do my hair and makeup, and get dressed (+10 minutes if I have nothing to wear). I then make lunches for me and Travis, eat breakfast, and possibly iron his shirt, make the bed, do the dishes, and maybe read the Bible.

Travis stumbles out of bed half-awake around 6:30. He takes a shower for 10 minutes, then shaves, then gets dressed. He eats breakfast and reads his Bible for about 10-15 minutes. Then he grabs his lunch, puts it in his backpack, brushes his teeth, and is ready to leave.

So this morning, as usual, I was running around after eating breakfast, trying to get my running stuff together, brushing my teeth, making the bed, etc. The sink was piled high full of dishes. I was going to ask Travis to do the dishes but he was reading his Bible. Dishes aren’t more important than God…(although, if he shouldn’t be bothered to do the dishes instead of reading the Bible, then why should I be?) so I let him be.

I was a little bitter that Travis was reading while the dishes obviously had to be done (you literally couldn’t fit much else in the sink). But I realize he’s male and I’m female. What I notice, he doesn’t notice. What I think about, he doesn’t think about.

Proof of this: When I saw the pile of dirty dishes in the sink after breakfast, I made a mental note, “Must do dishes before going to work.”

When Travis saw the pile of dirty dishes in the sink after breakfast, he wondered, “Where I can find a spot for my plate?”

I just have to laugh at him. Men.

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Clean eating

6 May

Since the half marathon is over, I don’t really have an excuse to eat bigger portions and more food like I did when I was training. (I did though have my celebratory high-cal high-fat meal at BWW–boneless wings with french fries–DELISH!) So it’s time to tighten up my eating habits.

I already eat pretty healthy. I research nutrition content before going out to eat at restaurants. I stay away from fried foods almost completely and I have a general knowledge of calories for most foods. I have though almost completely stopped counting calories and focused on intuitive eating.

But there are a few things in my diet that should be limited–like all the chocolate, candy, and ice cream I eat. I’m going to back to the strategy I used this past fall to lose 10 lbs–no sugar for 6 days out of the week. One cheat day when I can eat ice cream and chocolate. Because I could never give those up!!

I am also going to cut out all the unhealthy processed foods I eat (except for on that one cheat day)–things like chips, soda, sugary cereals, white pasta, white rice, salad dressings, etc. The Eat Clean Diet has you eat a lot of veggies, fruit, lean meat, whole grains, and lowfat dairy.

So this isn’t really a diet. It’s more like spring cleaning my eating habits. So we’ll see how it goes! I already had to say no to a peanut butter cup from the Mountain Man. 😦

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Loneliness and Isolation

5 May

So Travis and I had a couple of long, good talks yesterday about how sad, lonely, and isolated we’re feeling out here in Colorado. We haven’t talked to our friends from back home since we saw them in MN at the beginning of March. No, we haven’t called them but phones work 2 ways–and they haven’t called us either. Add to that, the last couple of times we’ve talked to them, it has been us calling them. I can’t remember the last time they called me to talk.

We didn’t spend any time with people from church or work this weekend since we were up in Fort Collins for the race. Travis was feeling bummed because there are times when it feels like we don’t hang out with anyone outside of work. He’s discouraged with his mens’ group because he really wants to get to know them and share his life with them but he’s limited by where we live (20 miles away from all of them) and by how it seems that they all know each other already and Travis is an outsider.

I really enjoy my womens’ group and we have some good discussions and the vulnerability is growing. But outside of that group, I feel like those women don’t have a very big interest in hanging out with me. Some of them are 10-15 years older than I am so it’s hard to get together for coffee or even to relate to each other.

But alas, all these are excuses and rationalizations for the hard, cold truth: it’s hard being out here. It’s hard to be in between friend circles–we don’t feel like we have close friends back home anymore (hard to be close when you no longer share anything in common) and we don’t feel like we have close friends out here.

There are times when I get jealous of the married couples who I know are still living in Minneapolis around all their friends, who can go over to their houses and enjoy deep, meaningful friendship. Compared to our life out in Colorado, I can’t imagine that their lives are anything but easy (even though I know that’s not true). Friends do so much for your spirits and joy. And it seems like life would be so much easier with friends.

There are times when I think about moving back to Minnesota. But I believe that God has led us out here for a purpose and that my going back would be my fleshly response to this trial and not my following the Lord in faith.

I have been kind of half-hoping for a struggle like this that will push me to the Lord and cause me to need to seek Him and His comfort daily. So I am taking this struggle and running to the Lord with it. Praying for deep friendships out here in Colorado. Praying that God would reveal how He is my ultimate friend and fulfills every longing I have–even this desire to be known and cared for. God knows me and cares for me. Travis and I must cling to that hope and reassurance in this time of loneliness.

But some good news: Travis and I have been so in love lately. The Lord has been so faithful and good to us in our marriage for the past 2-3 weeks. My enjoyment of Travis and desire to be close to him–both emotionally and physically–has skyrocketed. I love my husband. I love my Lord.

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I DID IT!

4 May

I finished the half marathon today. My time was 2:30:46. I was hoping for 11 min miles. It turned out to be about 11:30 min miles. But as Travis lovingly pointed out, 11:30s were what I trained at so that was what was realistic for me. But I finished nonetheless.

We got up at 4:30 to make it to the buses by about 5:15. They bussed us up to the starting point and then let us stand outside and freeze for an hour. It was probably in the 30s when we got up there so everyone–all 1,000 of us–were all huddled over on the same end of the field. It was a long hour. My feet were the coldest.

I had debated about whether to wear pants or not but I did. And then we forgot to bring a plastic bag to put our sweatshirts in so I had thought about just leaving my sweatshirt in the car and not having to deal with it. I’m so glad I didn’t! I would’ve been completely miserable without those two things.

The race started off fine. I was a little tired but around mile 4, I got into my stride and we were running about 11:05 min miles. Around mile 8 though, I hit a wall. My feet were hurting (and that’s no wonder considering the giant blisters I have on my toes!! My running shoes have officially been retired from long distances) and my boob was hurting and my hip flexors and my knee. I wondered to Travis why my training runs seem to go better than the real thing.

About a year and a half ago, I ran a 10 mile race in Minnesota. I trained for it for about 3 months and even ran 10 miles before the actual race. No problems. But the day of the race, the first 7 miles were great. I was running faster than in training (9:30 min miles) and feeling good. But then I developed this huge blister on the bottom of my foot and it felt like I was running with a small pebble lodged between my toes. I even stopped to get the “rock” out of my shoe, only to discover that it wasn’t a rock. It severely slowed my pace so that I finished averaging 10:00 min miles.

Anyway, so after mile 9, I stopped to walk a little at every water station. It was so hard to will myself to keep running. But I did and I ran the majority of the race. And it’s exciting to me to finish so close to what I trained at, even with all the walking I did.

And I pumped it for the last .2 miles, especially the part where all the people were standing and cheering.

I”m glad the race is over so I can start doing stuff besides running. I want to start doing yoga and I want to do more weight training and less cardio. Yay for my first half marathon!

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And I thought Minnesota was bad…

1 May

Yesterday, it was in the 80s. Travis and I ate lunch outside and we were actually sweating. And I was only wearing a skirt and t-shirt!

Today, it’s snowing. WTH?

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