Archive | May, 2013

Emma: 7 Weeks

26 May

Emma is 7 weeks today!

Back on May 16, I was at my wit’s end to get Emma to sleep on her own at night. So I asked my Facebook friends what their tips were. My sister-in-law and cousin-in-law suggested the Fisher Price Rock ‘n’ Play Sleeper. I figured the $60 would be well-spent if it worked. So I found one in stock at Target and off Emma and I went to buy it. She ended up having a meltdown halfway through our trip but she’s still young enough for people to look at me with ‘Poor thing’ expressions instead of ‘Control your kid’ judgement. Still, I hoped that I looked especially sleep-deprived and first-time-mom-ish that morning… you know, for sympathy.
image
We didn’t use the bassinet that first night because we were still hopeful that she’d sleep in her (free, borrowed) cradle. And she did… but not without waking up every hour or so.

The next night, Travis and I set up the Rock ‘n’ Play Sleeper and crossed our fingers. We got Emma to sleep and put her in it. And she didn’t wake up for 4.5 hours! Since then, she has slept 4.5 – 6 hours each night on her own, without waking up. Hallelujah!
image
So Travis and I are finally sleeping in the same bed again, for roughly the same hours. We have Emma set up in the nursery and keep the monitor on. Our house isn’t really big enough to merit the use of monitors but they allow us to close her door and still hear what’s going on in there.
image
It’s never fun to have a crying baby in public but Travis and I have decided that we just need to go for it more often. So we finally went to care group for the first time since Emma was born. Yes, she ended up crying quite loudly after I fed her and our friend Sue graciously took her upstairs to calm her down. But it wasn’t the end of the world. I have also discovered that the secret to having her in public without a meltdown is to put her in the Baby Bjorn. Works like a charm every time!
image
At 7 weeks, Emma:

* Weighs a little over 10 lbs
* Has outgrown all her newborn clothes and now wears size 0-3 months
* Will start wearing size 1 and cloth diapers when we get back from Minnesota in 2 weeks
* Smiles at us when she’s awake and happy
* Can almost hold her head up
* Sleeps 5-6 hours on a regular basis at night
* Takes her reflux medicine like a champ
image
Emma loves:

* Grabbing things, even if it’s accidental
* Being in the Baby Bjorn
* Sucking on her pacifier
* Hanging out in her swing after eating for 10-15 minutes
* Being swaddled, shushed and bounced (all at the same time!)
* Getting her diaper changed
* Tummy time
* Being read to
* Cuddling

image

First thumb sucking!


Emma doesn’t like:

* Being in her carseat
* Having clothes put on over her head or her arms pulled through the sleeves
* Being burped
* Waiting to be fed (who does?)
image
Everyday, we see little bits of Emma’s personality shine through the pain and discomfort she’s in. It gets us very excited for the day when she’s finally happy more than she’s upset! Even now, we are very in love with this little girl.
image

Tags: , , ,

Minnesota!

25 May

We made it to Minnesota. Emma did great on her first-ever airplane ride. I’ll post details later because we’re heading up to Travis’ family’s cabin near the Canadian border. I have Emma’s 7 week update for tomorrow but after that, I’ll be MIA for a few days. 

Have a great Memorial Day weekend! Thanks to all those who have sacrificed for our freedom.

Tags: , ,

6 Weeks Postpartum

22 May

This past Monday, I had my 6-week postpartum checkup. Everything looks good and I’ve been officially cleared for exercise. Yay!

At 6 weeks postpartum, here’s how things are going…

Physical Recovery

The weird tightness in my upper abdominal muscles is now officially gone. My abs are still fairly weak, though all the bouncing on the exercise ball that I’ve been doing to calm Emma down has helped to regain some of my core strength. I could notice a difference during the 2 runs I went on this week.

Yep, I went on 2 runs this week! Emma has been sleeping better at night (more on that in Emma’s 7 week update) so that has allowed me to go running in the morning instead of catching up on sleep. I thought about doing the Couch to 5K program but it seemed to be a little bit more conservative than I’d like. So I’m just doing my own thing. I covered 1.5 miles in 20 minutes on Monday and 2 miles in 30 minutes today, doing run/walk intervals. I mostly ran because I’ve missed it so much, but I know I need to listen to my body and walk when my legs feel tired or tight. Don’t want any injuries!

This week is the first that I’ve really been back at it with exercise. After that initial run at 12 days postpartum, Emma started getting really fussy and workouts fell very low on the priority list. I tried to get out on walks as much as Emma and my energy levels would allow, but that wasn’t very often. I’m glad that things are turning around now!

Body Weight / Image

I have about 7-8 pounds to go before hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m trying to transition out of wearing maternity clothes but it has been hard. My boobs have grown so much from breastfeeding and my stomach is still ’round’ enough that I’d say about 75% of my pre-pregnancy shirts don’t fit – they’re either too short or too tight. About 90% of my pre-pregnancy pants, shorts and skirts don’t fit, also due to the stomach. I have been able to fit into a few things again (though not without causing major muffin top action) and I bought a few new things from the thrift store that fit me better. But overall, this is still an extremely frustrating part of being postpartum.

postpartum_comparison_2Maternity jeans on the left, pre-pregnancy jeans on the right

As a person who loves fitness and feeling in shape, it’s hard to be comfortable in my own skin when I feel so flabby and blah. I know that my body will never be exactly the same again but I’m looking forward to the day when I get to a place where I like how I feel and look again. I know that having clothes that fit will help me feel better, so I’m hoping to go shopping again in the next couple of weeks.

I also know that I need to be better about my eating habits. When we had family out here visiting after Emma was born, we ate pretty well-balanced, healthy meals. But when it’s just me and Travis, convenience is king – which means a lot more processed foods like frozen waffles, deli meat, cereal, etc. Being dairy and soy free really limits what I can eat (and drives up our grocery bill!) and I’ve found myself eating a lot of carb-heavy snacks/meals, like Rudi’s whole wheat toast with Earth Balance spread and raspberry preserves. Not horrible, but that kind of thing shouldn’t be the mainstay of my diet. Instead of relying on processed, expensive convenience foods, I need to be more intentional about eating whole foods – fruits, vegetables, legumes, meat and nuts. They’re cheaper and healthier.

Emotional

My emotions are still a rollercoaster, but a bit more intense than when I posted my postpartum update at 2.5 weeks. They vary from day to day, morning to night, hour to hour. Not surprisingly, they are heavily influenced by how much Emma is crying and sleeping. When Emma is minimally fussy, easily comforted, and sleeping for 3-5 hours at a stretch, it’s a lot easier for me to feel hopeful and enjoy this season than when she is crying inconsolably, refuses to sleep and wakes up after 20 minutes. Then I feel a ball of despair wedge itself in my throat and my minds fills with lots of untrue, very unhelpful thoughts, and I wonder how anyone has ever enjoyed being a parent.

It is because of God’s sustaining grace that I haven’t given up. He provides grace in little ways each day: Emma finally going to sleep when I thought I couldn’t possibly shush or bounce anymore. Emma staying asleep when I thought for sure she had woken up as I put her down and left the room in a huff (which happened last night). Travis and I working as a team to figure out how to do the things we enjoy doing while taking care of a colicky baby. Emma sleeping so well in the baby carrier that we can still do stuff – like clean, grocery shop, go on walks – even when she demands to be held.

I’ve called to mind these evidences of grace whenever I’ve been tempted to dive back into self-pity and discouragement. God does see, and He is actively providing for us. He may not be taking the situation away completely, but He is being faithful in the midst of it. And that has to be enough for me – because joy comes from accepting what He allows, not from demanding what I want. (So easy to say, but so very hard to do!)

Anyway, things are slowly getting better – if anything, Travis and I are learning to deal with the situation better, even if Emma is still quite fussy. That’s something!

Tags: , , , , , ,

6 years

20 May

image

image

Saturday night, Travis and I went on our first date sans Emma to celebrate our 6-year wedding anniversary.

One of our good friends from church watched Emma for four hours while Travis and I went out for sushi at 4:30 in the afternoon, followed by a walk on nearby trails (where the pictures above were taken), Dairy Queen (where I got a Mr. Misty slush since I’m still not eating dairy), looking at guns at Gander Mountain, people watching at a park and buying toilet paper from Walmart (exciting!).

We had a good time and Emma actually did pretty well so we’ll call it a success! Our lives are consumed by her right now so we did talk a lot about Emma but it was nice to touch base on how we’re both handling the life change, commiserate on how hard things have been and share our hopes for the future.

Oh, and I drank my first full glass of wine since last August! I had a Pinot Noir and it was delicious. After I fed Emma when we got home, I had another glass, of Cupcake Cab Sav. But then I felt absolutely horrible for both of the middle-of-the-night feedings. I need to remember to drink more water next time. Ugh!

Anyway, so 6 years. We’ve been together for 8. I’m still not even near the wife I want to be. Even now, the thing I want to ‘get better at’ is the same thing that has caused the majority of the tension in our marriage – expression of physical affection. After getting married, we discovered just how different our styles are. Travis is very playful and I usually end up annoyed and push him away -literally.

One of the things I struggle with the most in marriage is being resentful. I let little things build up into one big glob of disappointment and self-pity and it overflows through resentment and bitterness. For many years, I blamed Travis for our relationship being more roommate-like than lover-like. ‘If he would just stop grabbing me and listen to what I like, things would be different,’ I thought.

But then one day this past year,  my eyes were finally opened to my own fault. How it was my constantly pushing Travis away, even when he tried to do things ‘my way’ with back rubs and simple hugs (minus butt grabs), that really stunted our physical relationship. How could our passion increase if I always shut down any attempt Travis made?

I was very humbled that day. I’d love to say that things improved exponentially from there but unfortunately, it isn’t that easy. I’ve come to accept that this will always be something that I have to die to myself in – instead of demanding the ideal, giving thanks for the reality. Choosing to see the good, instead of ignoring it to focus on the bad.

I’m constantly amazed at Travis’ longsuffering and kindness to me. How he doesn’t get angry at my insensitivity and coldness is beyond me. But I’m thankful that he doesn’t. And I’m thankful that God has given us one more year together to figure out how to, in the words of John Piper, “forge a life together in the furnace of affliction” to the praise of His glory. May there be many more.

Fighting against what I need

18 May

Yesterday, Emma had a rough afternoon. After feeding her around 11:30, I put her in the Baby Bjorn and went on a walk to a nearby ‘lake’ with her and the pooches.

She fell asleep on our walk and I contemplated whether I should take her out when I got home or leave her be. I decided to leave her and started making lunch. She woke up. Crap. She had only been asleep for 20 minutes.

That was 12:30. She didn’t stay asleep until 3:00. She ‘fell asleep’ countless times during those 2.5 hours. I shushed her, bounced her, swaddled her, fed her, changed her, tried her in the Baby Bjorn again. But the minute I stopped bouncing or shushing, her little eyes would pop open, her little mouth turn down and she’d start wailing.

My frustration grew. Why did she keep fighting the very thing she needed most? Being overtired was what was making her so miserable. She just needed to surrender!

I also felt completely discouraged that nothing I did made Emma happy. It breaks my heart to hear her cry until her throat is raw and see her little face as red as a tomato. I would do anything to help her.

In the midst of my temptation to lose hope, I was reminded by the Spirit that I should pray and ask God to help me. I should crawl to the cross and lay my burdens there, “to receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.”

But I didn’t want to. I wanted to stew in my pain and despair. I wanted to be mad at God for it being so hard with Emma every day that I actually dread her waking up. I dread myself waking up. I live in a constant state of feeling like I’m holding on by a single strand of thread.

I knew that pouring out my heart to God was the exact thing I needed. My own stubbornness and self-pity was creating my misery.

Then I realized… I’m exactly like Emma. Fighting against what I need. And God looks at me with His heart breaking, longing to help me, to instill His hope in me, to prove His love for me. But I fight it. And for what?

I was humbled. And just as Emma finally succumbed to sleep, I went on a drive and poured out my fears, hopes and thanksgiving to the One who is faithful and sovereign over all.

That wasn’t the last time Emma will need sleep – or fight it. And I’m sure I’ll need the reminder again of my willfulness. But luckily, God is patient and lavishes me with blessings and grace I don’t deserve – or even ask for.

Tags: , ,

Emma: 5 – 6 Weeks

16 May

This coming Sunday, Emma will be 6 weeks old. It’s amazing how fast the time is going, even though the days (and especially the nights) sometimes seem to last forever.

After talking to the triage nurse last week and making the changes to my diet and breastfeeding style that she recommended, Emma still hadn’t seen much improvement. She was sleeping a little bit longer, but not really crying any less. So I called again this past Monday and they had us come in that same afternoon. While we were there, Emma gave the pediatrician and nurses a good dose of her crying – red face and all. After examining her, the doctor decided that Emma most likely has acid reflux. So she prescribed Prevacid for Emma to take once a day and said that we should see some improvement in the next 7-10 days.

We’ve already seen some improvement. It’s not night and day difference but Emma is now frequently alert and happy for 10-15 minutes after she eats, and has tolerated sitting in her swing, cradle or car seat several times without crying immediately, like she was doing before. She’s also developed a less severe level of crying – it’s not always just ear piercing wails. And we’ve also been trying to put her in her cradle or swing at night instead of just holding her, and she has stayed sleeping several times for up to a couple of hours – also an improvement. But she still has her inconsolable moments.

It’s hard to not be discouraged and frustrated at this whole situation. We love our daughter so much and want her to be happy and comfortable, but we’re also struggling with severe sleep deprivation, and trying to not crack when she’s fussy or crying uncontrollably for what seems like hours on end (in reality, it’s only 30-60 minutes at a time) is hard.

This has been our typical routine lately with a baby who only wants to sleep being held:

Approx 1 am: I get up for the middle-of-the-night feeding; Travis goes to bed after his ‘shift’

1 am – 7 am: I stay up with Emma, feeding her every 2-3 hours, then rocking her to sleep and attempting to put her down – usually she starts making noise after 20-30 minutes. I go pick her up because I don’t want her to wake up completely, causing me to have to get her to sleep all over again. My main desire has been to avoid a crying baby, but I realize this isn’t a good strategy for getting her to sleep apart from me, so I’m going to work on changing this.

7:15 am: Travis gets up, makes his coffee and puts Emma in the Baby Bjorn while he works at his desk; I go back to bed for a couple of hours

9:30 am: I get up and take Emma from Travis, feed her and entertain her for however long she’s happy, maybe doing tummy time while I take a few sips of my decaf coffee. Usually she starts crying (with no warning!) and I get her back to sleep by putting her in the Baby Bjorn with her pacifier and bouncing on the exercise ball.

20130510_165744

Sacked out in the Baby Bjorn

10:30 – 5:30 pm: Travis works while Emma and I go through the continual cycle of eat, awake and sleep. She typically goes 2-3 hours between feedings, with naps that are usually 45 minutes – 2 hours long, but it’s still far from predictable. During Emma’s naps, I either do chores like dishes and laundry (if she’s in the Bjorn), sit with her in the glider or watch TV while she sleeps, or (rarely) take a walk. Since she’s started crying so much and often, we’ve been hesitant to take her very many places because it’s so hard to soothe her without all our props and she’s really not a fan of being buckled into her car seat. Though I discovered today that driving on the highway with the windows down makes a wonderful white noise that puts her to sleep! (hopefully not just a fluke)

5:45 pm: Travis gets done with work and takes Emma while I ‘make’ dinner – usually reheating leftovers of a meal from our church friends. I eat and then take Emma so Travis can eat.

6:30 pm: We bathe Emma if it’s a bath night. If not, I feed Emma and either Travis or I put her pajamas on and swaddle her.

7 – 7:30 pm: I go to bed while Travis stays up with Emma. This strategy evolved at first because Emma’s such a loud sleeper that I was awake anytime she grunted or sighed (which is a lot). Lately we’ve done this because Emma sleeps the longest if she’s held. She’s actually gone 5 hours between feedings a couple of times (which is sleeping through the night at this age) but only while being held. The longest she’s gone in her cradle or swing is about 2.5 hours I think.

10 pm: I get up and feed Emma. When she’s done eating, I give her back to Travis and go back to bed.

{and the cycle begins all over again…}

20130509_140223

In short, we have no time to do anything but sleep, take care of Emma and work (in Travis’ case). Most days I don’t shower, brush my teeth or change clothes. Even though we’re technically surviving this way, we’re both frequently close to losing it. Something’s got to change. So we’re going to start being more intentional about putting her down to sleep in her cradle or swing instead of just letting her sleep in our arms. It may be more painful at first and involve more work with getting her back to sleep if she wakes up, but at least we’ll be headed the right direction instead of just throwing in the towel.

All that said, the Lord has faithfully given enough grace for us to get through each day – whether it’s a little bit more sleep, Emma not fussing for a few hours, delicious meals from friends, warm sunny weather, lots of babysitting offers, or the fact that Travis works from home (so amazingly helpful!). I’ve been tempted more than once to drown in self-pity because of all the things I haven’t been able to do, like get out on more runs, maintain personal hygiene or sleep longer than 3 hours at a stretch, but God has helped me to be aware of that sinful, joyless tendency and to instead be thankful for the mercies He does provide. Just like He provided the Israelites enough manna for a single day, so He provides me with enough faith and hope in His promises to stay the course for one more day. I know we will look back on this time and see His faithfulness stretching to the skies. I don’t know what I would do without Him, or Travis!

Tags: , , , , , , ,

The Eternal Blessing of Motherhood

12 May

Today is my first Mother’s Day. It has been a decent day. Emma has cried a lot today and had her first diaper blowout, prompting an outfit change at church. But on the bright side, it’s GORGEOUS weather outside and Travis and I were able to eat Chipotle for lunch on our deck while Emma slept. Now Travis is taking a nap while I watch Emma, and in a bit, he’ll watch her while I take a nap. Teamwork!

IMG_4563[1] IMG_4564[1]

In honor of this special day, I wanted to share this amazing blog post that my wonderful sister-in-law, Jen — mother to my 16-month-old nephew — wrote on her blog Building a Humble Home.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Being a mother is the single greatest gift and honor in the world. Nothing compares to the love and joy you feel for your child. Nothing else really seems to matter once you become a mommy. Being a wife and mother is my life’s calling. Raising our son and caring for our home is exactly where I belong.

However, I didn’t always feel that way. The first 8 weeks of motherhood were hard. So hard, that I remember pacing the halls trying my best to quiet a screaming baby, and in tears of frustration, wondered why anyone would want to be a parent. In those moments you wonder if it will ever really “get better” as everyone says it will. Yes, moments I’m not proud of, but sleepless nights and post pregnancy hormones can do a number on a new breastfeeding mother.

As I’m discovering, being a mother can be more challenging than I realized. Some days harder than others. Those difficult days will test your very being. Finding ways to be patient and show love even when you are tired and worn down can be one of the hardest. The devil makes you lose your focus for your family. In these moments the devil will make you feel self-centered, filling you full of lies about deserving more in your life, making you feel like folding laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house is not important. All lies!

On the hard days, I’m learning that when focus is lost and frustration and anger take hold, I have to surrender to God and give it all to Him in prayer. The moment I try to do it alone or feel that I’ve got it, I’m knocked down.

I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in control.

No amount of hair appointments, or exercise, or shopping will refuel and rejuvenate me like time in the Savior’s Word. That is where I am lifted back up, reassured, and given a hug and a pat on the back. That is where I’m reminded that raising our son and caring for our home is virtuous.

I’m also learning that when I remain focused on God throughout my day (prayer, listening to sermons, and reading the Bible) I notice I’m a different person, a better mother. I’m calm, relaxed, patient, engaged, and present. You see, God knows exactly what we need. And He is using motherhood to strengthen my relationship with Him, molding me to be the person He created me to be so I can sow seeds in our son’s life. Coming to understand why motherhood is difficult is not something that happens over night and is something that requires God’s continuous work on me daily. Through my struggles and weakness, He provides me strength. It’s when I’m most vulnerable and weak, that I grow stronger in the Lord.

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

Jeremiah 17:10 “I the Lord, search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doing.”

Isaiah 40:28-31 “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

It’s imperative that I give my all and continually seek God in motherhood. My son’s life depends on it. I’m doing more than just raising a son; I’m raising a disciple of God.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 “5 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”

……………………………………………………………………………………

What a crucial reminder Jen’s post was to me that my daughter is an eternal being with a soul and that her greatest need is to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. It is an honor to be entrusted a little life to raise up as a follower of Christ, and I can only be the loving, patient, faithful mother I am called to be by daily spending time in God’s presence.

Go check out her blog – she has tons of great thoughts about motherhood and life!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my lovely readers who are mothers!

Tags: , , ,

Dealing with a Colicky Baby

10 May

So we’re pretty sure that Emma has colic, whatever that is. A colicky baby cries or fusses for 3 hours a day, for 3 days a week, for 3 weeks. It hasn’t been 3 weeks yet but Emma fusses every day, so I think we qualify. I’ve been reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and the author says that fussiness is more characteristic of colic and defines fussiness as “an unsettled, agitated, wakeful state that would lead to crying if ignored by parents” and that colicky babies have “long and frequents bouts of fussing” which would lead to crying if it weren’t for “intensive parental intervention.”

Story of my life.

This week has been a blur of feeding and getting Emma to go to sleep and stay asleep. Who needs to work out when you spend hours a day bouncing a fussy baby on an exercise ball? Seriously, my legs and back are TIRED.

After a little research, it appears that Emma is getting enough sleep, but most of it is in 1-2 hour chunks, with a few 2-4 hour chunks thrown in from about 6 pm to 1 am. The time of day she sleeps the worst is from about 1 am to 8 am. Last night, I just threw in the towel and stayed up watching Modern Family on my iPad instead of trying to sleep through her grunting. It was definitely our worst night by far. She was grunting within 15 minutes of when I put her in her swing.

I finally called our pediatrician’s office the other day and talked to the triage nurse. I told her about all of Emma’s symptoms:

  • Cries after feedings, sometimes during, like she’s frustrated
  • Swallows a lot of air from gulping milk
  • Gets hiccups often, spits up quite a bit, has a lot of gas
  • Wants to eat every 1-3 hours
  • Often wants pacifier after eating but has plenty of dirty and wet diapers
  • Grunts almost all night long, seems to be uncomfortable from gas
  • Yawns all the time, even when she has just woken up, but it still takes a lot of effort to make her go to sleep
  • Generally only sleeps for an hour at a time except for evening – then she’ll go 2-3 hours and every once in a while, 4-5
  • When she seems happy and alert, it lasts for maybe 10-15 minutes before she melts down
  • Goes from happy to screaming in a matter of seconds
  • Often cries for 10-20 minutes no matter what you do, calms down after that but only as long as you’re doing something very specific

The triage nurse was very helpful and gave me these tips to try:

  • Express milk before feeding Emma to minimize gulping and swallowed air.
  • Interrupt her feedings often to burp her. Burp her for several minutes before resuming.
  • Keep her upright for 30-45 minutes after eating.
  • If it’s been less than 2 hours since a good feeding (lasting 20-30 minutes), comfort her in a way other than nursing (since it takes about 2 hours for a full belly to be metabolized). If her last feeding was short, I can feed her when she seems hungry.
  • Eliminate dairy, chocolate and caffeine from my diet for a week.

Pumping milk before feeding Emma will take a little getting used to, especially since it’s pretty tough to predict right now when Emma will want to eat. And when I know she wants to eat, she wants to eat NOW. I can hold her off with the pacifier, but she can’t keep it in her mouth herself, so pumping is kind of a circus act while I juggle the breast pump bottles and her pacifier.

I do think pumping, combined with me reclining during breastfeeding, is making a difference – at the very least, Emma is drinking slower than before. She’s not usually a huge fan of being burped mid-feeding (or at all), unless she’s really uncomfortable. But she settles back down pretty quickly once I put her back to the breast.

Sometimes she likes being upright on my or Travis’ chest and she sleeps pretty well in the Baby Bjorn. But other times, she thinks being upright is horrible. That was the case this morning. Surprisingly, though, she was content laying on her back on the changing table. So I let her lay there for about 10 minutes while I talked to her. (This has inspired yet another idea we’re going to try – putting her on her changing pad mattress in the cradle. She seems to be able to pass gas a lot better laying flat on her back than sitting reclined like she does in her swing.)

As far as the dietary changes go, I’m going to eliminate dairy, chocolate and caffeine like the nurse suggested (which is so sad because those are almost all of my favorite food groups!). I have been avoiding cheese, milk, yogurt and ice cream for the past week, but I was still eating chocolate and processed foods like granola bars that contain milk. So I’m finally going to cut those out too. 😦 Then last night, I ate a Boca burger for dinner and on the off chance that the night went so poorly because I ate soy, I’m also going to cut out soy products. And since peanuts are a well-known allergen as well, I’m thinking that I might switch to eating almond butter instead of peanut butter. I’m also going to avoid eating tomatoes and any tomato-based sauces and condiments, since those have triggered acid reflux for me in the past, and while I’m at it, I might as well cut down on the gluten I eat (since a lot of products that are dairy and soy free are also gluten free). Can you tell I’m desperate to find a solution to Emma’s crying?!?!

In a way, this change will be good for me and Travis because we’ll be forced to eat a lot more whole foods and less processed crap. The only drawback is that whole foods generally require more work than processed foods, and well, time in the kitchen is not something I have a lot of right now. But we’re going to try. 😉 So what will I be eating?

  • Vegetables
  • Fruits
  • Rice and rice pasta
  • Meat, poultry and fish
  • Olive oil
  • Seeds and nuts
  • Udi’s gluten-free products
  • Larabars
  • So Delicious ice cream and yogurt
  • Amy’s Organic Foods
  • Earth Balance spreads and nut butters
  • Nutritional yeast
  • Almond milk (which is SO not the same as cow’s milk!! I miss it dearly)

The nurse said that if these changes haven’t made a difference in Emma’s fussy behavior by Monday, then they’ll have us come in to have Emma checked out and make sure there isn’t something else going on besides colic.

On a positive note, I haven’t felt as frustrated with Emma the past couple of days. My emotions have switched to just being frustrated with the situation, with an understanding that Emma isn’t being fussy on purpose – she’s just uncomfortable. Poor baby. I keep assuring her that Mommy wants to make her happy and is trying everything she can think of to do so.

But I did just about lose it on our walk this morning with the dogs. Emma had fallen asleep so I thought I’d take advantage of it and go on a longer walk. Well, just 20 minutes into it, she woke up. I turned right around, even though it was earlier than I had planned, because I just had an inkling that she wouldn’t be content very long if she was awake. Sure enough, about a minute later, she started pouting and then crying. She was content if the pacifier was in her mouth, but again, I have to hold it in there. So I ended up tying the dogs’ leash around my waist, taking Emma out of the carseat and holding her while I pushed the stroller all the way back to the house, and keeping the pacifier in her mouth. That juggling act made me feel like a real mom. And it made me vow to not take both the dogs and Emma on a walk again until she outgrows this stage, or Travis comes with.

Do you have any tasty, easy snack ideas that are dairy and soy free?

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Emma: 4 Weeks

6 May

This has probably been the hardest week of my life. Emma has had 3 states of being: eating, sleeping and crying. So much crying. Instead of falling asleep after nursing like she had the first couple of weeks, she will now be content for about 10-30 seconds before starting to scream her head off. It takes several minutes just to calm her down, not to mention get her to sleep. There have been a few times when she is alert and seemingly happy, so we do tummy time or walk around talking but they, too, always end in crying.

20130503_174725

We have come up with several theories for why Emma is crying so much now, but before I get into those, can I just say that I find it impossible to tell what Emma wants solely from the sound of her crying? They say that infants have different cries for different needs… I just hear screaming and unhappiness. Maybe this changes as she gets older? Or maybe Emma only has one crying volume: LOUD?

Anyway, our first theory was that she’s uncomfortable from gas. I asked our pediatrician about it at our 2 week appointment and she recommended getting some Mylicon anti-gas drops. So we did and we’ve been giving them to her, but I honestly haven’t noticed much of a difference in her crying or comfort level. Also, according to Dr. Harvey Karp of The Happiest Baby on the Block, babies rarely cry from gas pains. So that doesn’t seem to be her problem (those she does have quite a bit of gas). Nonetheless, I have mostly eliminated dairy from my diet in hopes that maybe it will help her (also a suggestion from our doctor) – which is ridiculously hard for me, since I LOVE milk, yogurt, cheese, ice cream and chocolate.

20130505_073246

The second was that she’s not eating enough at each feeding. After self-diagnosing myself with an oversupply or fast milk letdown, I started feeding Emma from only one side per nursing session, per advice I read on the La Leche League website and in their book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. But around the same time I started doing that, Emma started crying bloody murder after feedings. I had been hesitant to offer more in those instances, out of the fear of overfeeding her. But after a little more research and motherly intuition, I’ve decided that overfeeding a breastfed infant would be pretty hard to do. So I’ve started offering both sides (unless she falls asleep or looks particularly content after one side, which happens rarely) and also offering to nurse whenever it seems like she could possibly be hungry, regardless of how long it’s been since she ate last. Sometimes she eats more, sometimes she doesn’t. When she eats more, she does seem more content. So this has helped some.

The third was that she’s overstimulated. The first several days that she was crying a lot, we tried everything we could think of to console her – rocking, swaying, swinging, vibrating, shushing, pacifier, swaddling, walking, upright on our chest, laying in our arms, bouncing. The more we tried, the worse it got. Finally we figured out that less is more and stick to some combination of the following: swaddling, holding her upright on our chest, making a “shhh” sound in her ear, bouncing on our exercise ball or Ikea chair, and letting her suck on a pacifier. I also found that she will fall asleep in the car, but not always.

IMG_4561 (Large)

The fourth was that she’s overtired. There have been so many times when Emma has *almost* been asleep but just when we thought we were home free, those little eyes would pop open again and we were back to square one. It’s like she fights going to sleep with her entire being. But honestly, I don’t know how to prevent this from happening. Our ‘routine’ (if you can call it that) is this: 2-3 hours from her last feeding, Emma wakes up or starts grunting a lot, so we pick her up, change her diaper and nurse. If she’s awake and happy when she’s done nursing (a rarity), I either read her a book or sing songs (if she’s awake but chill) or we do tummy time (if she’s moving her arms and legs around). Both of those activities last maybe 15 minutes before Emma yawns… or starts crying, which begins the cycle of trying to calm her down and get her to sleep.

But the norm for the past week is that we finish nursing and Emma starts crying almost immediately. And not just a little – like all out bloody murder crying. Her face turns bright red. Her little fists are clenched. She is ANGRY. And I’m confounded. Once she’s asleep, Emma usually sleeps for a good 1-3 hours at a stretch, so I feel like she’s still getting a decent amount of sleep. But after almost every time that she’s awake, it’s an ordeal to get her back to sleep. Another thought I had is that she gets so riled up by her crying that it’s hard for her to unwind enough for sleep, but I still don’t know what we can do about that because she goes from zero to crying in less than 2 seconds. And she does that right after nursing. So how do you prevent that from happening?

My latest theory is that is that maybe she can’t handle the caffeine in the cup of coffee I drink everyday (does it sound like I’m grasping at straws yet?). So I am also giving up my beloved morning coffee – the thing that has given me hope when Emma wakes up an hour or two earlier than expected each morning – and switching to decaf. I would go insane if I couldn’t have coffee at all.

IMG_4555 (Large)

Anyway, this week has been filled with me feeling like my life is over and I will never enjoy anything again. I haven’t handled it well, especially in my relationship with Travis. I’ve been drowning my sorrows in self-pity with a very “Woe is me” attitude, which benefits no one. Even though deep down, I want to embrace this reality from God and give thanks for His mercies that are new every morning – because I know that that is the path to joy – I can’t do it. I can’t stop focusing on all the things about life right now that are so not what I want. My face is still breaking out. My belly is still as soft as bread dough. Neither my pre-pregnancy nor maternity clothes fit right anymore and I don’t feel like we can afford me to buy a bunch of new ones, especially when they’re just to fill in the gap right now. I fight against taking many naps during the day because I don’t want to spend my entire existence nursing and sleeping, and I hate how it feels to get up after not getting enough sleep. But my stubbornness leaves me even more exhausted.

People keep telling me “It’ll get better.” And I’m sure somehow, somewhere, that’s true. But I can’t help but get angry when they say that because how does that help me today? Am I just supposed to resign myself to being miserable for the next however many weeks until Emma gets older? And how do I love my inconsolable daughter and well-meaning husband in the meantime, when I feel so trapped and discouraged?

Don’t get me wrong – I love Emma and Travis, and couldn’t imagine life without them. I know that Travis wishes he could do more to help me and he’s been great about staying up late to take care of Emma while I get some sleep during her least fussy period. And he doesn’t get angry or offended when I vent my frustrations to him and accuse him of not understanding how hard this is. With Emma, there are a few moments each day when she is awake and happy, and she makes the cutest noises in the whole world. I know she’s worth it, even though I’m tempted at times to question my decision to be a mother.

IMG_4557 (Large)

Nothing prepares you for how hard it is to have a baby, or how much you still love them in spite of it. For how you finally lay down to take a nap while your partner is taking care of the baby, but you can’t sleep because you can hear her crying and you feel guilty that you’re not the one out there consoling her. For how every baby and child you see in the store, on TV, at church and on the street remind you of your little one, and make your heart ache with the deepest love, and you know that there is nothing in the whole world that could make you give them up or live without them. For how hearing your baby cry breaks your heart so swiftly that you end up crying with them. For how you desperately want your baby to know how much they’re loved and cherished, so even though in the present moment, you just wish you could put her down and walk away, you don’t. You stay – heart breaking, eyes stinging, world imploding – and you keep on keeping on.

There is so much more that I could say. I have a hard time praying these days because my emotions are such a twisted mess, so I usually just end up saying “Lord, You know. Help me.” I continue to remind myself of Ann Voskamp’s words that “life change happens when we accept life with thanks and ask for nothing to change,” hoping that if I keep reminding myself, maybe I’ll eventually believe it. And I bring to mind Bible verses like Psalm 62:5-8…

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Even when all else fails, God is still my hope.

Any words of advice or encouragement?

Tags: , , , , ,

Two Dogs and a Biscuit

2 May

Our dogs Katy and Charlie have adjusted really well to Emma. They had already been around young kids quite a bit and always done well, so we weren’t that concerned with how it would go, but it’s still been interesting to see their reactions to the newest member of our family.

When we first got home from the hospital, we brought Emma down to their level and let each of them sniff her. That’s about the extent of the attention that Charlie pays Emma – sniffing her every once in a while, presumably to make sure it’s still the same baby. We also have to watch Charlie to make sure she doesn’t flop on Emma or accidentally hit her while begging for us to rub her belly. (She’s been known to do that to other dogs, so why not a Biscuit?)

But Katy has taken on a more protective role.

IMG_4398 (Large)

Whenever Emma is crying, Katy gets really concerned. If the door to the nursery is closed, Katy paces around outside it, whining. Especially that first week. She’d stand up on her hind legs to check on Emma while she was on the changing table getting a diaper change or in the kitchen getting a bath – both events that elicited quite a bit of crying from Emma.

IMG_4412 (Large)Katy also follows me and Emma around during the day so we put a little bed for her on the floor in the nursery, and she hangs out in there when I’m nursing Emma.

The dogs have been going slightly stir crazy with receiving less attention and being cooped up due to the snow. Whenever friends from church bring us dinner, they both go nuts for attention. And taking both the dogs and Emma on a walk takes quite a bit of coordination – not to mention a run! The other day, my mother-in-law and I took the dogs and Emma on a walk in a park near our house. Emma started cracking about 5 minutes after we got there so she took Emma out of her carseat and carried her while I held on to the dogs and pushed the stroller. It was tricky but I think it’ll get easier – I’m pretty sure we’ll need to get a dog leash that goes around our waist, so that we have both hands free for the stroller. (Or maybe only take both the dogs and Biscuit when both Travis and I are going along.)

I’m looking forward to when Emma is old enough to play with the dogs herself!

What was your experience when you introduced your dog(s) to your baby?

Tags: , ,