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Learning Our Parenting Style

21 Jun

I’m supposed to go back to work in 2.5 weeks. This has caused me to panic just a bit.

I feel like we’re just finally getting to know Emma. For the first 3 weeks of her life, she was pretty easygoing and slept quite a bit. Then we had the month of her crying almost all day, every day, due to her swallowing too much air during nursing. When she started feeling better, we were on vacation for 2 weeks. So we’ve really only been at home with Emma alert and happy for about 2 weeks – and Emma’s almost 3 months old!

With my return to work looming, I have been feeling pressure to get Emma on a schedule – though we have been following the routine of eat-play-sleep for several weeks, it was at different times everyday. Emma went to bed at a different time, meaning she woke up at a different time. So each day was different. Returning to work, I’ll have to leave the house at a specific time, which means getting Emma up at a specific time. And with Travis traveling for work a lot this summer, I’ll be on my own for many of the days I work. I think a schedule would also be helpful for my friend who is going to be taking care of Emma, so she doesn’t need to constantly guess what Emma wants.

The only problem is, putting her on a 3-hour schedule hasn’t been working. I’ve discovered that Emma’s maximum awake time (from the end of one nap to the beginning of the next) is about an hour and 15 minutes – and that means starting to try to get her to sleep for her nap after about an hour. She’s not awake for very long but anything longer and she gets really fussy and it takes her a very long time to fall asleep.

So she’s awake for about an hour and 15 minutes, and her naps are usually 45 minutes long if I put her down. If I think she needs a longer nap, I’ll hold her for the first 45 minutes and then put her down. She’ll usually sleep an additional 45 minutes that way, but sometimes she wakes up when I try to put her down. Sometimes I’m able to get her back to sleep for a longer nap but lately, I’ve just been feeding her after 2 hours if she’s wide awake. Emma has taken longer naps in the Baby Bjorn, but I think she’s getting to the age when she’s too interested in what’s going on around her that she has to be really tired to sleep in there now.

And we’re still rocking, bouncing, and shushing her to sleep with a pacifier and swaddle, both at bedtime and for her naps. I don’t really see a way around that yet without lots and lots of crying – and I could totally see her being one of those babies who cries so hard they throw up. I’m not ready to go there – and I’m not sure I ever will be. I’m mostly hoping that as Emma gets older, her need for that amount of help to sleep will decrease. I know there are plenty of people who would say that we’re teaching Emma to depend on props for sleep, and who knows, they might be right. But right now, we’re parenting with the philosophy of “It’s not a problem until it is.”

Otherwise, it’s easy to drive yourself crazy. I know because I’ve been driving myself crazy. I’ve read about 6 different books on how to get your baby to sleep, plus countless blogs and forum posts. I’ve been so unsure and confused as to what I think we should be doing with Emma that I’ve changed my mind probably about 100 times. I’ve been tempted to laugh/cry when I hear people say, “Do whatever you know is right for your family.” Um, that’s exactly what I don’t know and what I’m trying to figure out. Travis has been very encouraging and laidback, reminding me to just focus on one thing.

The most helpful book I read was Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. It helped me see that going from being rocked to sleep and held during naps to being put down awake and sleeping on her own for naps (she does fine at night) would be a very big and unwelcome change for Emma. So instead of overcorrecting for everything we ‘shouldn’t’ be doing (I have more thoughts on parenting shoulds that I’ll share in a later post) with Emma, we’re taking it slow – focusing first on getting her to sleep in her Rock ‘n’ Play for naps (meaning we get her to sleep and then put her in there). But again, if I can tell that she needs a longer nap or would wake up if I put her down, I just hold her. That’s why I haven’t been blogging a ton! Though I am getting pretty good at writing posts on my phone (which is what I’m doing right now).

So what’s my plan for returning to work? First, I decided to take my full allotment of FMLA leave and not return to work until July 30. This will give Emma another 3 weeks to mature and me an additional 3 weeks to figure out how best to mother her. That way, hopefully I can leave Emma with my friend without worrying about her crying all day – not fun for Emma or Charlotte. But maybe the 4-month sleep regression will make that a hard time to go back too…

Second, I’m continuing the eat-play-sleep routine on a 2 to 3 hour schedule. It has been very helpful for me personally to be ok with feeding Emma every 2 hours if that is when she wakes up. It has taken so much pressure off to not have to make her get to a certain time. And I’m not frustrated when she wakes up after 45 minutes because I expect it (though I hope that she extends her naps as she gets older).

Last, I’m going to stop worrying so much. I’m going to surround myself with similar-minded mothers – those who didn’t let their kids cry it out but can testify that they eventually grow out of whatever phase they’re in. And most of all, I’m going to trust God to guide me and give me the wisdom I need to be the mother that Emma needs and that I’m called to be. Parenting is just one more aspect of the Christian life that requires a moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit and relationship with Jesus. I don’t have to fear ‘messing it up’ with Emma because God is actively at work in our lives. This verse has been a great comfort to me recently:

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

Parents – how did you decide on your parenting style?

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Emma’s Dedication

20 Jun

Last Sunday was Emma’s dedication at church. Our church has them only once a year, alternating between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, so as you can imagine, there were a lot of other families up there with us – probably 10-15!

If you’re wondering, a dedication is in lieu of a baptism. Travis and I (and our church) believe that a child should be baptized when they’re old enough to understand the gospel and accept Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.

Here’s what we as parents committed to during the dedication:
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Emma started fussing during worship before the dedication so I walked the halls with her until the dedication started and got her to sleep. But she definitely wouldn’t have been there only baby crying up there! It was actually kind of funny how much noise they were all making.

It was fun to get Emma all dressed up but I was sad to discover that the 0-3 month dress I had brought for her to wear was already too short! It was more like a long shirt. Our little girl is getting so big.

Anyway, I hope that one day, we get to celebrate Emma’s baptism with her. That’s our greatest prayer for her – to have a personal relationship with Jesus!
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Memorial Day in Minnesota

16 Jun

For Memorial Day, Travis, Emma and I flew into Minneapolis and met my parents, brother and sister-in-law for lunch – it was my brother and SIL’s first time meeting Emma. She wasn’t in the greatest mood because she had had a long day of travel and naps being interrupted. We got takeout from Cossetta’s for lunch – I was still doing the non-dairy thing, so I didn’t have much of a selection (but that’s typical for most restaurants). I ended up getting minestrone soup and artichoke salad. It was tasty, but it didn’t fill me up. I think I ate about 5 Larabars that day.

After lunch, Travis, Emma and I headed up to Grand Rapids, where Travis’ parents live. Everyone except Travis’ mom had already gone up to their cabin on Lake Namakan in Voyageurs National Park on the US/Canadian border, but she stayed to go up with us. We stopped about an hour from Grand Rapids to feed Emma, sitting behind a gas station in the minivan we borrowed from my brother – such is the reality of parenthood. We got to Grand Rapids and unloaded our stuff, I fed Emma again and then we all went to bed.

At Travis’ parents’ house, there are 2 bedrooms downstairs. When it was just us down there, we put Emma in one room while we stayed in the other, so that we didn’t hear every little sound she made. But for part of our time there, someone was using the other bedroom so we had Emma in the room with us. Probably the worst part about having her in the same room was that the door on that bedroom is the squeakiest one ever. After putting Emma down a couple of times and her waking up shortly afterward, I asked Travis and his dad to please fix it – which apparently required them to take the door off its hinges and make all kinds of noise while I waited in the dark bathroom with a sleeping Emma.

On Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, Travis, my mother-in-law Beth, Emma and I made the 2 hour drive north to Crane Lake, to Handberg’s Marine where they launch their boats, and pick up/drop off people going to the cabin – the only way to get to their cabin is a 30-minute boat ride. We put all our stuff in the boat, and put Emma in her infant life vest. It was a little big.

IMG_4580 (Large)Don’t worry – we took it off after taking that picture. She wasn’t a fan of having her cheeks squeezed together.

The boat ride there was very uneventful, thanks to Travis’ brother Matthew’s good driving. \

For the next 3 days, we spent a lot of time outside, holding Emma.

IMG_4598 (Large) IMG_4591 (Large) IMG_4596 (Large)The weather on Sunday was really nice, but it was cooler and windy the rest of our time there. I wore pants and a sweatshirt pretty much the whole time, but I also spent most of my time in the shade.

IMG_4604 (Large) IMG_4608 (Large)Even though having a baby meant I spent a lot of time in our room feeding her, I got to go on a boat ride, walk to “Whiskey Point” near their cabin where a bunch of empty booze bottles have collected over the years, play bocce ball, sit around the campfire, and shoot a .22 rifle at pop cans (I missed though). Things are always pretty low-key up at the cabin.

On Wednesday, we made the trip back down to Grand Rapids for the ‘weekend of Matthew’ – his birthday was Thursday, graduation on Friday and open house on Saturday.

We went out to eat for Matthew’s birthday with his girlfriend and girlfriend’s family. Emma fussed a bit at the beginning but Travis got her to sleep and everything went smoothly then. At this point, I was still doing the no-dairy thing and man, it is hard to find stuff in restaurants that don’t have dairy and still sound appetizing. But I made it work. I got a grilled chicken sandwich and fries (At that point, I wasn’t worried about any trace dairy ingredients.)

IMG_4653 (Large)On Friday, I went on a 2 mile run near their house (more on that in a separate post) and then went to Matthew’s graduation that evening.

IMG_4667 (Large) IMG_4702 (Large)Emma got all dressed up, though we quickly discovered how impractical dresses are for little babies.

IMG_4684 (Large)Travis and I were able to stay for the entire ceremony but I did have to put Emma in the Baby Bjorn and stand in the back of the arena. The things we do for babies.

Saturday was the open house. It ended up being cold, rainy and windy, which was a bummer, but it was fun to see some of Travis’ relatives again and have them meet Emma. I had her in the Baby Bjorn again for the first part of the party because she was being fussy and everyone was busy getting stuff ready, but later she got a bottle and others got to hold her.

Sunday morning, Travis, Emma and I drove back down to the Twin Cities because Travis was flying back to Denver and I was meeting up with my parents to go down to Rochester for a week. Emma had a very rough start to the car ride but she finally fell asleep.

IMG_4775 (Large)My time in Rochester was pretty low-key too. My mom and I sat around and talked a lot, played with Emma, watched Scandal (I’m now officially hooked!), organized their basement a bit, and went shopping at the grocery store, Trader Joe’s, and the mall. I also got out on a couple of more runs, which was really nice. AND for Mother’s Day, my awesome mom treated me to a haircut, highlights and some new clothes.

20130608_102409 20130608_102331I finally have mint green jeans! I’ve been wanting some for over a year.

We also tried some new stuff from Trader Joe’s:

20130608_060738It was all delicious. I had forgotten how amazing the Crunchy Cookie Butter is.

So how did Emma do with being away from home for so long? Really well overall. She LOVES being held and there were lots of people willing to do that – so she lived it up but might have gotten a little bit too used to it. She’ll only sleep about 45 minutes in her bassinet for a nap right now. But she still consistently sleeps between 5 and 7 hours for a stretch at night in her bassinet, which is awesome and has helped me feel more human.

And that was our trip to Minnesota!

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Flying with a 2 month old

10 Jun

As I’ve mentioned, almost 3 weeks ago, we flew back to Minnesota for my brother-in-law’s high school graduation. It was Emma’s first plane ride!

Since Emma and I were there for 2 weeks – weeks during which she changed a lot – the flight out was a much different experience from the flight back.

But first….

Luggage and Check-In

Southwest allows 2 free checked bags so Travis and I both checked a duffel bag (Emma’s stuff was in mine). We also checked Emma’s Rock ‘N’ Play Sleeper in the box it came in and her carseat/base, since we weren’t going to use it in the airport or on the plane. I was concerned about the carseat getting thrown around and coming tumbling down the luggage chute but the airline treated it as an oversized luggage item and covered it in plastic, so it wasn’t a big deal at all.

We didn’t bring our stroller because it’s bulky and Emma prefers the Baby Bjorn anyway. The only thing we carried on the plane was the diaper bag.

Check-in went smoothly because I had researched what we needed for Emma ahead of time – Southwest just asks for a child’s birth certificate to verify their age. I would assume that most airlines are the same but I’m not sure. They stapled Emma’s “non-ticketed lap child” boarding pass to mine.

Flight Out to Minneapolis

Emma was 7 weeks old for the flight out there and did really well.  We carried her through the airport and security in the Baby Bjorn (you can keep babies in a carrier for security – they have you go through the metal detector instead of the full body scanner and then wipe your hands for residue). She slept through pretty much all of that.

We got on the plane during family boarding and chose a window and middle seat. We flew Southwest so it was a full flight. I kept Emma in the carrier until we pulled away from the gate and then got set up to nurse her, which I did as soon as we started to take off. She nursed for about 20 minutes, we put her back in the carrier (on Travis that time) and she fell right back asleep.

Denver to Minneapolis is only a 2-hour flight so Emma was still sleeping when they announced that we were making our final descent. We quick woke her up and I started nursing her to help her ears pop with the change in altitude. I could tell that the way down bothered her a bit more than the way up had. Once we landed, I burped her and she started to cry. We put her back in the carrier and she settled down within about 5 minutes (though it seemed like longer).

I had to bounce and walk with Emma while we waited for our bags and she was kind of fussy for a few hours after that but she was just coming off her rough swallowing-lots-of-air weeks so that might’ve been the main cause.

Flight Back to Denver

Over the course of our vacation, Emma became a lot more alert. A few days before our flight back to Denver, when she was almost 9 weeks old, she started wanting to be entertained and getting bored easily. So I had a feeling the second flight wouldn’t be as smooth-sailing as the first. Fortunately, my mom flew back with me and Emma so I had help with our stuff and moral support for the flight. (Travis had flown back the previous Sunday because he had to work.)

I had planned to give Emma a bottle after discovering the challenge of nursing in a cramped airplane seat. We put her milk in a small cooler and I took the contents out for going through security, which worked fine (the 3 oz rule doesn’t apply to infant milk or formula). On takeoff, Emma took the bottle fine, but she wasn’t satisfied with it, her toys, pacifier, being bounced, rocked or even in the Baby Bjorn. So I ended up nursing her for about 15 minutes anyway. That took care of the first hour of the flight.

IMG_4783 (Large) IMG_4780 (Large)

My mom and I hoped that nursing Emma would put her to sleep but she wasn’t interested in sleeping even though she was tired. We tried her toys some more – a couple of rattles that she really likes – while she lie on her back on my lap and that kept her entertained for another 15 minutes. Then about 30 minutes before our scheduled landing (when we had started descending anyway), I nursed her again. She didn’t really settle down until I could stand up with her in the Baby Bjorn as we were deplaning. But almost as soon as we started walking around the airport, she was out.

So flying wasn’t completely without incident but it went well overall I’d say – which is good because we’re headed back to Minnesota for the 4th of July! I have to take advantage of my maternity leave while I can.

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Emma is a whole new baby.

6 Jun

Greetings from Minnesota! Emma and I are spending the week at my parents’ house in Rochester – without daddy (Travis)! It’s been going well but we miss him like crazy.

Almost 2 weeks have gone by since I posted Emma’s 7 Week update and things have changed a lot in that time – for the better!

Right before we left for Minnesota 2 weeks ago, I took Emma back to the lactation consultant. A friend had pointed out the clicking she does while eating – I knew she clicked a lot, but she had done it since birth, even when latched correctly, so I had dismissed it. But since I have been trying everything and anything to help Emma be more comfortable, I figured re-visiting the lactation consultant to ask about it couldn’t hurt.

I was able to make an appointment for the same day I called and Emma cooperated by clicking while I nursed her at the lactation consultant’s office. The lady said that Emma was latched correctly, her palate was fine, she wasn’t tongue-tied, and that the clicking sounded like her way of compensating for too fast of a milk flow. She suggested nursing her in a different hold than the football hold so that the milk wouldn’t go straight down her throat. The position she suggested had me recline quite a bit and lay Emma on her stomach diagonally across my torso (like the cross-cradle hold, only more reclined). She said I could also use the scissor hold to slow down the flow of milk, break the suction to relatch Emma if she just kept clicking and to keep burping her frequently.

It took several sessions for me to get used to nursing Emma a different way, and I was tempted to not change how I was nursing her as a result, but I reminded myself that if I was willing to give up all the foods I loved (including my beloved coffee) to help Emma, why wouldn’t I be willing to change how I nurse her? So I stuck with it.

And I am so glad I did because that was the answer! After just a few feedings, Emma stopped crying after eating. Instead, she was alert and happy. She also started burping a lot more regularly. She still cries before falling asleep almost every time (because she’ll go from happy and smiling to crying in about 30 seconds) but it’s a very manageable amount of crying, and she’s alert and happy for at least 30-45 minutes before needing a nap. Several of Travis’ relatives commented that Emma didn’t seem to cry any more than a normal baby, which made me happy.

We’ve stopped giving her the acid reflux medication (we kept forgetting and I noticed that Emma was still fine) and I’ve slowly been introducing dairy back into my diet – starting with the most necessary morning cup of joe! Emma’s improvements have stayed consistent – praise the Lord!

I do have to be very mindful of how I nurse Emma now, which means no more reading or blogging during that time (I’ve tried and always ended up regretting it). And it takes her 45-60 minutes to nurse now instead of 20-30 like before. But those sacrifices are worth it to have a happy baby! And I’m sure those things will get better in time.

I’m still pumping about 2-3 oz (1-1.5 per side) before feeding Emma following her longest stretch of sleep at night, so that she’s not completely inundated – and it works out well because then I have a bottle stash built up. I also burp her 3-4 times per feeding, so that the air she swallows doesn’t get trapped under a bunch of milk.

Nighttime sleep is still a little hit or miss – some nights, she sleeps well for 5-6 hours straight but other nights, she only goes 4 hours. And after that first nighttime feeding around 3 am, she usually grunts a lot and only sleeps for another 2 hours. We try to burp and fart her but it doesn’t always seem to help.

Regardless, Emma is doing a million times better now than before. I feel like we’ve really turned a corner. I am so thankful that it was a relatively easy fix – and that we’ve finally figured it out! Thanks to all those who prayed for us.

See you tomorrow for Emma’s 2-Month update!

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Emma: 7 Weeks

26 May

Emma is 7 weeks today!

Back on May 16, I was at my wit’s end to get Emma to sleep on her own at night. So I asked my Facebook friends what their tips were. My sister-in-law and cousin-in-law suggested the Fisher Price Rock ‘n’ Play Sleeper. I figured the $60 would be well-spent if it worked. So I found one in stock at Target and off Emma and I went to buy it. She ended up having a meltdown halfway through our trip but she’s still young enough for people to look at me with ‘Poor thing’ expressions instead of ‘Control your kid’ judgement. Still, I hoped that I looked especially sleep-deprived and first-time-mom-ish that morning… you know, for sympathy.
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We didn’t use the bassinet that first night because we were still hopeful that she’d sleep in her (free, borrowed) cradle. And she did… but not without waking up every hour or so.

The next night, Travis and I set up the Rock ‘n’ Play Sleeper and crossed our fingers. We got Emma to sleep and put her in it. And she didn’t wake up for 4.5 hours! Since then, she has slept 4.5 – 6 hours each night on her own, without waking up. Hallelujah!
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So Travis and I are finally sleeping in the same bed again, for roughly the same hours. We have Emma set up in the nursery and keep the monitor on. Our house isn’t really big enough to merit the use of monitors but they allow us to close her door and still hear what’s going on in there.
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It’s never fun to have a crying baby in public but Travis and I have decided that we just need to go for it more often. So we finally went to care group for the first time since Emma was born. Yes, she ended up crying quite loudly after I fed her and our friend Sue graciously took her upstairs to calm her down. But it wasn’t the end of the world. I have also discovered that the secret to having her in public without a meltdown is to put her in the Baby Bjorn. Works like a charm every time!
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At 7 weeks, Emma:

* Weighs a little over 10 lbs
* Has outgrown all her newborn clothes and now wears size 0-3 months
* Will start wearing size 1 and cloth diapers when we get back from Minnesota in 2 weeks
* Smiles at us when she’s awake and happy
* Can almost hold her head up
* Sleeps 5-6 hours on a regular basis at night
* Takes her reflux medicine like a champ
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Emma loves:

* Grabbing things, even if it’s accidental
* Being in the Baby Bjorn
* Sucking on her pacifier
* Hanging out in her swing after eating for 10-15 minutes
* Being swaddled, shushed and bounced (all at the same time!)
* Getting her diaper changed
* Tummy time
* Being read to
* Cuddling

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First thumb sucking!


Emma doesn’t like:

* Being in her carseat
* Having clothes put on over her head or her arms pulled through the sleeves
* Being burped
* Waiting to be fed (who does?)
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Everyday, we see little bits of Emma’s personality shine through the pain and discomfort she’s in. It gets us very excited for the day when she’s finally happy more than she’s upset! Even now, we are very in love with this little girl.
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6 Weeks Postpartum

22 May

This past Monday, I had my 6-week postpartum checkup. Everything looks good and I’ve been officially cleared for exercise. Yay!

At 6 weeks postpartum, here’s how things are going…

Physical Recovery

The weird tightness in my upper abdominal muscles is now officially gone. My abs are still fairly weak, though all the bouncing on the exercise ball that I’ve been doing to calm Emma down has helped to regain some of my core strength. I could notice a difference during the 2 runs I went on this week.

Yep, I went on 2 runs this week! Emma has been sleeping better at night (more on that in Emma’s 7 week update) so that has allowed me to go running in the morning instead of catching up on sleep. I thought about doing the Couch to 5K program but it seemed to be a little bit more conservative than I’d like. So I’m just doing my own thing. I covered 1.5 miles in 20 minutes on Monday and 2 miles in 30 minutes today, doing run/walk intervals. I mostly ran because I’ve missed it so much, but I know I need to listen to my body and walk when my legs feel tired or tight. Don’t want any injuries!

This week is the first that I’ve really been back at it with exercise. After that initial run at 12 days postpartum, Emma started getting really fussy and workouts fell very low on the priority list. I tried to get out on walks as much as Emma and my energy levels would allow, but that wasn’t very often. I’m glad that things are turning around now!

Body Weight / Image

I have about 7-8 pounds to go before hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m trying to transition out of wearing maternity clothes but it has been hard. My boobs have grown so much from breastfeeding and my stomach is still ’round’ enough that I’d say about 75% of my pre-pregnancy shirts don’t fit – they’re either too short or too tight. About 90% of my pre-pregnancy pants, shorts and skirts don’t fit, also due to the stomach. I have been able to fit into a few things again (though not without causing major muffin top action) and I bought a few new things from the thrift store that fit me better. But overall, this is still an extremely frustrating part of being postpartum.

postpartum_comparison_2Maternity jeans on the left, pre-pregnancy jeans on the right

As a person who loves fitness and feeling in shape, it’s hard to be comfortable in my own skin when I feel so flabby and blah. I know that my body will never be exactly the same again but I’m looking forward to the day when I get to a place where I like how I feel and look again. I know that having clothes that fit will help me feel better, so I’m hoping to go shopping again in the next couple of weeks.

I also know that I need to be better about my eating habits. When we had family out here visiting after Emma was born, we ate pretty well-balanced, healthy meals. But when it’s just me and Travis, convenience is king – which means a lot more processed foods like frozen waffles, deli meat, cereal, etc. Being dairy and soy free really limits what I can eat (and drives up our grocery bill!) and I’ve found myself eating a lot of carb-heavy snacks/meals, like Rudi’s whole wheat toast with Earth Balance spread and raspberry preserves. Not horrible, but that kind of thing shouldn’t be the mainstay of my diet. Instead of relying on processed, expensive convenience foods, I need to be more intentional about eating whole foods – fruits, vegetables, legumes, meat and nuts. They’re cheaper and healthier.

Emotional

My emotions are still a rollercoaster, but a bit more intense than when I posted my postpartum update at 2.5 weeks. They vary from day to day, morning to night, hour to hour. Not surprisingly, they are heavily influenced by how much Emma is crying and sleeping. When Emma is minimally fussy, easily comforted, and sleeping for 3-5 hours at a stretch, it’s a lot easier for me to feel hopeful and enjoy this season than when she is crying inconsolably, refuses to sleep and wakes up after 20 minutes. Then I feel a ball of despair wedge itself in my throat and my minds fills with lots of untrue, very unhelpful thoughts, and I wonder how anyone has ever enjoyed being a parent.

It is because of God’s sustaining grace that I haven’t given up. He provides grace in little ways each day: Emma finally going to sleep when I thought I couldn’t possibly shush or bounce anymore. Emma staying asleep when I thought for sure she had woken up as I put her down and left the room in a huff (which happened last night). Travis and I working as a team to figure out how to do the things we enjoy doing while taking care of a colicky baby. Emma sleeping so well in the baby carrier that we can still do stuff – like clean, grocery shop, go on walks – even when she demands to be held.

I’ve called to mind these evidences of grace whenever I’ve been tempted to dive back into self-pity and discouragement. God does see, and He is actively providing for us. He may not be taking the situation away completely, but He is being faithful in the midst of it. And that has to be enough for me – because joy comes from accepting what He allows, not from demanding what I want. (So easy to say, but so very hard to do!)

Anyway, things are slowly getting better – if anything, Travis and I are learning to deal with the situation better, even if Emma is still quite fussy. That’s something!

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Fighting against what I need

18 May

Yesterday, Emma had a rough afternoon. After feeding her around 11:30, I put her in the Baby Bjorn and went on a walk to a nearby ‘lake’ with her and the pooches.

She fell asleep on our walk and I contemplated whether I should take her out when I got home or leave her be. I decided to leave her and started making lunch. She woke up. Crap. She had only been asleep for 20 minutes.

That was 12:30. She didn’t stay asleep until 3:00. She ‘fell asleep’ countless times during those 2.5 hours. I shushed her, bounced her, swaddled her, fed her, changed her, tried her in the Baby Bjorn again. But the minute I stopped bouncing or shushing, her little eyes would pop open, her little mouth turn down and she’d start wailing.

My frustration grew. Why did she keep fighting the very thing she needed most? Being overtired was what was making her so miserable. She just needed to surrender!

I also felt completely discouraged that nothing I did made Emma happy. It breaks my heart to hear her cry until her throat is raw and see her little face as red as a tomato. I would do anything to help her.

In the midst of my temptation to lose hope, I was reminded by the Spirit that I should pray and ask God to help me. I should crawl to the cross and lay my burdens there, “to receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.”

But I didn’t want to. I wanted to stew in my pain and despair. I wanted to be mad at God for it being so hard with Emma every day that I actually dread her waking up. I dread myself waking up. I live in a constant state of feeling like I’m holding on by a single strand of thread.

I knew that pouring out my heart to God was the exact thing I needed. My own stubbornness and self-pity was creating my misery.

Then I realized… I’m exactly like Emma. Fighting against what I need. And God looks at me with His heart breaking, longing to help me, to instill His hope in me, to prove His love for me. But I fight it. And for what?

I was humbled. And just as Emma finally succumbed to sleep, I went on a drive and poured out my fears, hopes and thanksgiving to the One who is faithful and sovereign over all.

That wasn’t the last time Emma will need sleep – or fight it. And I’m sure I’ll need the reminder again of my willfulness. But luckily, God is patient and lavishes me with blessings and grace I don’t deserve – or even ask for.

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Emma: 5 – 6 Weeks

16 May

This coming Sunday, Emma will be 6 weeks old. It’s amazing how fast the time is going, even though the days (and especially the nights) sometimes seem to last forever.

After talking to the triage nurse last week and making the changes to my diet and breastfeeding style that she recommended, Emma still hadn’t seen much improvement. She was sleeping a little bit longer, but not really crying any less. So I called again this past Monday and they had us come in that same afternoon. While we were there, Emma gave the pediatrician and nurses a good dose of her crying – red face and all. After examining her, the doctor decided that Emma most likely has acid reflux. So she prescribed Prevacid for Emma to take once a day and said that we should see some improvement in the next 7-10 days.

We’ve already seen some improvement. It’s not night and day difference but Emma is now frequently alert and happy for 10-15 minutes after she eats, and has tolerated sitting in her swing, cradle or car seat several times without crying immediately, like she was doing before. She’s also developed a less severe level of crying – it’s not always just ear piercing wails. And we’ve also been trying to put her in her cradle or swing at night instead of just holding her, and she has stayed sleeping several times for up to a couple of hours – also an improvement. But she still has her inconsolable moments.

It’s hard to not be discouraged and frustrated at this whole situation. We love our daughter so much and want her to be happy and comfortable, but we’re also struggling with severe sleep deprivation, and trying to not crack when she’s fussy or crying uncontrollably for what seems like hours on end (in reality, it’s only 30-60 minutes at a time) is hard.

This has been our typical routine lately with a baby who only wants to sleep being held:

Approx 1 am: I get up for the middle-of-the-night feeding; Travis goes to bed after his ‘shift’

1 am – 7 am: I stay up with Emma, feeding her every 2-3 hours, then rocking her to sleep and attempting to put her down – usually she starts making noise after 20-30 minutes. I go pick her up because I don’t want her to wake up completely, causing me to have to get her to sleep all over again. My main desire has been to avoid a crying baby, but I realize this isn’t a good strategy for getting her to sleep apart from me, so I’m going to work on changing this.

7:15 am: Travis gets up, makes his coffee and puts Emma in the Baby Bjorn while he works at his desk; I go back to bed for a couple of hours

9:30 am: I get up and take Emma from Travis, feed her and entertain her for however long she’s happy, maybe doing tummy time while I take a few sips of my decaf coffee. Usually she starts crying (with no warning!) and I get her back to sleep by putting her in the Baby Bjorn with her pacifier and bouncing on the exercise ball.

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Sacked out in the Baby Bjorn

10:30 – 5:30 pm: Travis works while Emma and I go through the continual cycle of eat, awake and sleep. She typically goes 2-3 hours between feedings, with naps that are usually 45 minutes – 2 hours long, but it’s still far from predictable. During Emma’s naps, I either do chores like dishes and laundry (if she’s in the Bjorn), sit with her in the glider or watch TV while she sleeps, or (rarely) take a walk. Since she’s started crying so much and often, we’ve been hesitant to take her very many places because it’s so hard to soothe her without all our props and she’s really not a fan of being buckled into her car seat. Though I discovered today that driving on the highway with the windows down makes a wonderful white noise that puts her to sleep! (hopefully not just a fluke)

5:45 pm: Travis gets done with work and takes Emma while I ‘make’ dinner – usually reheating leftovers of a meal from our church friends. I eat and then take Emma so Travis can eat.

6:30 pm: We bathe Emma if it’s a bath night. If not, I feed Emma and either Travis or I put her pajamas on and swaddle her.

7 – 7:30 pm: I go to bed while Travis stays up with Emma. This strategy evolved at first because Emma’s such a loud sleeper that I was awake anytime she grunted or sighed (which is a lot). Lately we’ve done this because Emma sleeps the longest if she’s held. She’s actually gone 5 hours between feedings a couple of times (which is sleeping through the night at this age) but only while being held. The longest she’s gone in her cradle or swing is about 2.5 hours I think.

10 pm: I get up and feed Emma. When she’s done eating, I give her back to Travis and go back to bed.

{and the cycle begins all over again…}

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In short, we have no time to do anything but sleep, take care of Emma and work (in Travis’ case). Most days I don’t shower, brush my teeth or change clothes. Even though we’re technically surviving this way, we’re both frequently close to losing it. Something’s got to change. So we’re going to start being more intentional about putting her down to sleep in her cradle or swing instead of just letting her sleep in our arms. It may be more painful at first and involve more work with getting her back to sleep if she wakes up, but at least we’ll be headed the right direction instead of just throwing in the towel.

All that said, the Lord has faithfully given enough grace for us to get through each day – whether it’s a little bit more sleep, Emma not fussing for a few hours, delicious meals from friends, warm sunny weather, lots of babysitting offers, or the fact that Travis works from home (so amazingly helpful!). I’ve been tempted more than once to drown in self-pity because of all the things I haven’t been able to do, like get out on more runs, maintain personal hygiene or sleep longer than 3 hours at a stretch, but God has helped me to be aware of that sinful, joyless tendency and to instead be thankful for the mercies He does provide. Just like He provided the Israelites enough manna for a single day, so He provides me with enough faith and hope in His promises to stay the course for one more day. I know we will look back on this time and see His faithfulness stretching to the skies. I don’t know what I would do without Him, or Travis!

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Dealing with a Colicky Baby

10 May

So we’re pretty sure that Emma has colic, whatever that is. A colicky baby cries or fusses for 3 hours a day, for 3 days a week, for 3 weeks. It hasn’t been 3 weeks yet but Emma fusses every day, so I think we qualify. I’ve been reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and the author says that fussiness is more characteristic of colic and defines fussiness as “an unsettled, agitated, wakeful state that would lead to crying if ignored by parents” and that colicky babies have “long and frequents bouts of fussing” which would lead to crying if it weren’t for “intensive parental intervention.”

Story of my life.

This week has been a blur of feeding and getting Emma to go to sleep and stay asleep. Who needs to work out when you spend hours a day bouncing a fussy baby on an exercise ball? Seriously, my legs and back are TIRED.

After a little research, it appears that Emma is getting enough sleep, but most of it is in 1-2 hour chunks, with a few 2-4 hour chunks thrown in from about 6 pm to 1 am. The time of day she sleeps the worst is from about 1 am to 8 am. Last night, I just threw in the towel and stayed up watching Modern Family on my iPad instead of trying to sleep through her grunting. It was definitely our worst night by far. She was grunting within 15 minutes of when I put her in her swing.

I finally called our pediatrician’s office the other day and talked to the triage nurse. I told her about all of Emma’s symptoms:

  • Cries after feedings, sometimes during, like she’s frustrated
  • Swallows a lot of air from gulping milk
  • Gets hiccups often, spits up quite a bit, has a lot of gas
  • Wants to eat every 1-3 hours
  • Often wants pacifier after eating but has plenty of dirty and wet diapers
  • Grunts almost all night long, seems to be uncomfortable from gas
  • Yawns all the time, even when she has just woken up, but it still takes a lot of effort to make her go to sleep
  • Generally only sleeps for an hour at a time except for evening – then she’ll go 2-3 hours and every once in a while, 4-5
  • When she seems happy and alert, it lasts for maybe 10-15 minutes before she melts down
  • Goes from happy to screaming in a matter of seconds
  • Often cries for 10-20 minutes no matter what you do, calms down after that but only as long as you’re doing something very specific

The triage nurse was very helpful and gave me these tips to try:

  • Express milk before feeding Emma to minimize gulping and swallowed air.
  • Interrupt her feedings often to burp her. Burp her for several minutes before resuming.
  • Keep her upright for 30-45 minutes after eating.
  • If it’s been less than 2 hours since a good feeding (lasting 20-30 minutes), comfort her in a way other than nursing (since it takes about 2 hours for a full belly to be metabolized). If her last feeding was short, I can feed her when she seems hungry.
  • Eliminate dairy, chocolate and caffeine from my diet for a week.

Pumping milk before feeding Emma will take a little getting used to, especially since it’s pretty tough to predict right now when Emma will want to eat. And when I know she wants to eat, she wants to eat NOW. I can hold her off with the pacifier, but she can’t keep it in her mouth herself, so pumping is kind of a circus act while I juggle the breast pump bottles and her pacifier.

I do think pumping, combined with me reclining during breastfeeding, is making a difference – at the very least, Emma is drinking slower than before. She’s not usually a huge fan of being burped mid-feeding (or at all), unless she’s really uncomfortable. But she settles back down pretty quickly once I put her back to the breast.

Sometimes she likes being upright on my or Travis’ chest and she sleeps pretty well in the Baby Bjorn. But other times, she thinks being upright is horrible. That was the case this morning. Surprisingly, though, she was content laying on her back on the changing table. So I let her lay there for about 10 minutes while I talked to her. (This has inspired yet another idea we’re going to try – putting her on her changing pad mattress in the cradle. She seems to be able to pass gas a lot better laying flat on her back than sitting reclined like she does in her swing.)

As far as the dietary changes go, I’m going to eliminate dairy, chocolate and caffeine like the nurse suggested (which is so sad because those are almost all of my favorite food groups!). I have been avoiding cheese, milk, yogurt and ice cream for the past week, but I was still eating chocolate and processed foods like granola bars that contain milk. So I’m finally going to cut those out too. 😦 Then last night, I ate a Boca burger for dinner and on the off chance that the night went so poorly because I ate soy, I’m also going to cut out soy products. And since peanuts are a well-known allergen as well, I’m thinking that I might switch to eating almond butter instead of peanut butter. I’m also going to avoid eating tomatoes and any tomato-based sauces and condiments, since those have triggered acid reflux for me in the past, and while I’m at it, I might as well cut down on the gluten I eat (since a lot of products that are dairy and soy free are also gluten free). Can you tell I’m desperate to find a solution to Emma’s crying?!?!

In a way, this change will be good for me and Travis because we’ll be forced to eat a lot more whole foods and less processed crap. The only drawback is that whole foods generally require more work than processed foods, and well, time in the kitchen is not something I have a lot of right now. But we’re going to try. 😉 So what will I be eating?

  • Vegetables
  • Fruits
  • Rice and rice pasta
  • Meat, poultry and fish
  • Olive oil
  • Seeds and nuts
  • Udi’s gluten-free products
  • Larabars
  • So Delicious ice cream and yogurt
  • Amy’s Organic Foods
  • Earth Balance spreads and nut butters
  • Nutritional yeast
  • Almond milk (which is SO not the same as cow’s milk!! I miss it dearly)

The nurse said that if these changes haven’t made a difference in Emma’s fussy behavior by Monday, then they’ll have us come in to have Emma checked out and make sure there isn’t something else going on besides colic.

On a positive note, I haven’t felt as frustrated with Emma the past couple of days. My emotions have switched to just being frustrated with the situation, with an understanding that Emma isn’t being fussy on purpose – she’s just uncomfortable. Poor baby. I keep assuring her that Mommy wants to make her happy and is trying everything she can think of to do so.

But I did just about lose it on our walk this morning with the dogs. Emma had fallen asleep so I thought I’d take advantage of it and go on a longer walk. Well, just 20 minutes into it, she woke up. I turned right around, even though it was earlier than I had planned, because I just had an inkling that she wouldn’t be content very long if she was awake. Sure enough, about a minute later, she started pouting and then crying. She was content if the pacifier was in her mouth, but again, I have to hold it in there. So I ended up tying the dogs’ leash around my waist, taking Emma out of the carseat and holding her while I pushed the stroller all the way back to the house, and keeping the pacifier in her mouth. That juggling act made me feel like a real mom. And it made me vow to not take both the dogs and Emma on a walk again until she outgrows this stage, or Travis comes with.

Do you have any tasty, easy snack ideas that are dairy and soy free?

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