Archive | daily life RSS feed for this section

Unfettered Joy

21 Dec

I just took my dog Katy for a walk and as I felt the sun on my face and the cool breeze on my face, I also felt something I haven’t felt in a quite a while: unfettered joy.

As I walked along the familiar streets, watching Katy’s ears cutely bounce up and down as they do, I had complete joy. As I type these words, I still have complete joy. It’s amazing!

And I know it’s from God. I’ve been reading Walking With God by John Eldredge and it has really changed the way I think about my relationship with God. There are a lot of things I could mention but I’ll just focus on one: spending time listening to God in my quiet times. When I first became a Christian, I soaked up everything I could about the Bible. I spent hours reading and studying it. I prayed little. Over the past year, I have started praying a lot more. I pray out loud most of the time – a lot of times, I do it in the car instead of listening to the radio. I still do both of those but now I’m learning to listen. To not just tell God my side of the story but to hear Him speak directly to me. (If you want to know more, read the book.)

But this morning, as I was writing about the things the book had brought to my attention about myself, I felt myself getting anxious about spending so much time with God because I had planned on starting work at 8:00 and it was now past that time. One of the thoughts Eldredge writes in his book is looking at the fruit of a thought or action in your life – you can determine where it came from (God or Satan) by looking at what the outcome is in your life. Well, the outcome of whatever I was worrying about was anxiety – definitely from Satan. So I asked God, “Why am I always anxious when I’m spending time with you in the morning?”

This what I discovered:

“Even though I have been praying more often and being mindful of God throughout the day, I have been asking God’s blessing and strength on all the things that I have undertaken. I view my life as my responsibility – I need to make it count. I view each day that way and am stressed out as a result. I need to trust God that He will get done in my life (and every day) what He wants to get done. He is the One sanctifying me. I just need to follow His lead, cooperate with what He is doing. I had made an agreement that God wouldn’t help me so I had to do it myself. I wanted so much to be holy but felt like I continued to fail, so instead of waiting on God to help me, I forged ahead and tried to make myself holy. But here’s the great part: It’s not up to me!”

This was the little dark cloud hanging over my head that wouldn’t let me have complete joy. I still thought everything was up to me. I felt responsible for everything in my life. For making it all work. For making it count. For becoming Christ-like. But now I see that I can relax and just follow Christ’s lead. He knows what I need, better than I do. He will guide me into the areas of my life that I need to work on. I just need to rest in His finished work and in His promise that He will sanctify me.

As I am experiencing this joy, I am very thankful – thankful that God has shown me He cares about my joy, cares about my understanding of what Jesus has done for me. In this process of sanctification, He isn’t helping me – I am helping Him. He is the One doing all the work – I’m just cooperating. God is awesome.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Understanding joy

20 Dec

Yesterday in church, it dawned on me that I have been viewing my sins, failures, weaknesses and such as bigger than the Cross. I have been prevented from being joyful because while the gospel indeed is incredible, my sins and failures are still there. And in an effort to maintain mindfulness of my sinfulness, I have been living in light of my pathetic-ness, rather than in the light of the gospel of Christ’s sufficiency.

I had an idea of an illustration for this. I actually drew it and if our printer/scanner was working, I would totally scan it and insert it into this post but alas, I’ll just have to describe it. The first picture is entitled “My perception of my sin” and it’s a giant boulder and peeking around the top and sides, you can vaguely see a cross in the background. The second picture is entitled “Reality of my sin in the gospel” and it’s a giant cross, with a tiny little pebble in front of it. The gospel – Christ’s atoning death and resurrection motivated by love for me – is so much bigger than my sin, shortcomings, and failed attempts at being who God says I am.

When I stop looking at myself, I can see the lie of “You have nothing to be joyful about” for what it is. No, in my sinfulness and failures, I don’t have much to be joyful about. But when I turn and look at Jesus, I see that I have everything in the world to be joyful about. Christ is so much bigger than me! Christ’s sufficiency is enough for all of my lack. I don’t have to go through life bemoaning how much I suck. I can focus on my victorious life in Christ. The hard, tough, icky stuff doesn’t go away overnight but I can view myself as a conqueror of my old nature in Christ.

That’s something else I realized – I have been thinking that sanctification is something I need to do. I need to sanctify myself. That’s part of being a Christian, right – crucifying the old self and its fleshly desires? But 1 Thessalonians 5 says that God is the One who sanctifies us – “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” I have been taking the responsibility of my holiness upon myself. What a task!! No wonder I have felt overwhelmed and completely incapable!! How can one who is unholy make oneself holy? Answer: They can’t. Only Another Who is holy can make me holy.

I still feel slightly confused but I am thrilled that God has shown me that I can be completely, utterly, 110% joyful in Christ, not because I’ve achieved anything or reached my goal, but because of what Christ has done for me. The gospel is the reason for our joy. And even our sin and failures should not take that away from us.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Who am I?

16 Dec

For the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about who I am. The job I’ve had with this race company has revealed to me that things I thought I knew about myself weren’t correct.

For instance, I thought I liked constant change because the jobs I have enjoyed most have been different every day. But this job made me realize that I only like constant change within structure – like different tasks within a 9 to 5 job. I also thought that I liked independence in my work. And I do to a certain extent but I mostly enjoy being assigned specific tasks to complete on a daily basis. I like administrative tasks. I like things that require being detail-oriented. I even enjoy tedious tasks. I did not know this.

These realizations are interesting to me because I thought I knew myself. These discoveries surprised me, which surprises me even more. It’s a weird thing, not knowing yourself. Definitely a result of the fall. While I find reassurance in the knowledge that at least God knows me, I also want to know myself.

As a Christian, I feel like this task is 1,000 times harder than it would be as an unbeliever. I am constantly wondering “Is this thing that I’m doing who I am or is it sinful?” I am at times a morbidly introspective person. I analyze everything. I can’t turn my brain off. So I feel like I have all these ideas and thoughts swirling around in my head and I can’t figure out what is truth and what is a lie, what is me and what is culture or what I think I should be.

I thought that maybe a personality test would help me figure out who I am, since my own mind is of no help. After reading my friend B’s post about personality tests, I took the Basic Personality Test. But during the test, I found myself stumped on several questions – I didn’t know the answer. They say that your first gut reaction is the right one but I didn’t have a gut reaction to either answer. “You tell me,” I wanted to say. I don’t even know myself well enough to take a personality test!

I’ve heard it said that it’s not about who you are, it’s about Whose you are. I’m not sure I entirely agree. Yes, it is a good thing to remind ourselves that God loves us, it’s His opinion that matters, and that we don’t need to be famous or important in the world’s eyes to be precious to God. But if we are supposed to become who we truly are in Christ, if we are supposed to become what we already are, it would help to know what that “what” and “who” are, specifically for us as individuals. I mean, isn’t that the point of personality tests? They’re to help you to discover what your strengths are, for the purpose of cultivating and exercising them.

I’ve always been an analytical person (or I least I think I have…), trying to figure out the meaning and purpose of things. But it feels like my brain has been on overdrive for the past 6 months. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t accept anything without understanding it first, and since there are so many thoughts in my head, I can’t think about one thing long enough to thoroughly understand it, so I can only understand things partially and therefore only accept things partially. I am left with questions and theories half-answered and half-proven, the other half a question mark hanging in the air. Just this week, after volunteering at the church, I drove home joyful from doing something I enjoyed. But I was only 99% joyful. I was fettered by something I couldn’t put my finger on. Even now, I can’t put my finger on it. There’s something unresolved. Something keeping me from being completely enjoying my reality in any certain moment or place. Something hindering the completeness of my joy.

Even my interpretation of this situation conjures up various thoughts in my head. Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be, since we won’t have full knowledge until heaven. But the way this is makes it hard for me to have joy. Plus, I’m exhausted from thinking, analyzing, trying to figure things out. I just want to accept something and move on, for once! Maybe I’m the perpetrator of this condition – I’m the one reading books, searching for answers. I’m the one entertaining and pursuing all of these different ideas at once. I’m the one continuing the attempt to quell the voice inside of me crying out for answers. I’m the one still listening, still hoping, still yearning for truth.

I have no answers. And if your gut reaction is to say that all the answers are in the Bible, I’ll say to you that it’s not that easy. Believe me, if it were that easy, all my questions would be satisfied. Yes, the answers are in the Bible. But they’re not obvious. And the mystery of the Christian life, added to all of the lies I’ve believed, our culture’s influence, and my own habit of spiraled thinking, makes it near impossible to sort out all of the thoughts in my head.

My only hope in all of this is that God has the answers. He knows what I’m struggling through, will give me insight and clarity when I need it, and is the One who is causing me to wrestle through all of these thoughts, issues, doubts, fears, and ideas – and that for a reason. He is doing something in me. Even when it feels like I’ll never sort it all out, that I’ll never truly understand, I can rest in knowing that God knows me, God is for me, and God will lead me into truth, whenever He wills. What would I do without God?!?!?

Tags: , , , , ,

Imperfect is good enough.

9 Dec

Like many women, I struggle with an all-or-nothing mentality. Especially around this time of year when I feel like there is so much to do and so little time! Add to that a job I hate and a beach vacation the first week of January (who’s in bikini shape right after Christmas!?!?) and you’ve got a recipe for stress and many woe-is-me days.

I’ve been slightly on an emotional edge the past few days… ok, the past week… ok, the past month… ok, really since I knew I wanted to quit my job but couldn’t (which has been since the end of October). And I disliked my job long before that. Maybe I’m being a big baby, maybe I’m concentrating too much on the negatives, maybe I just need to buck up and stop complaining. I’m pretty sure all of those things are true. But the reality of the situation has not gone away – I have a really hard time being happy when I have a job I hate. And when I say hate, I mean that the very thought of doing any kind of work even remotely related to my job makes me cringe inside. I mean that I clock 3-4 hours a day by sheer grit and willpower, not because there’s even an inkling of enjoyment in it for me. I mean that I can be happy about something, smiling and skipping down the street, then I remember my job and dark rain clouds roll over my joy.

Anyway, take that whole situation and add in trying to care about my job just even a little, trusting God with getting a new job, making dinner for friends, wrapping presents, writing Christmas cards, mailing presents, decorating the house, being a hostess for a Christmas tea at church, getting in biking shape and all the other things I think I “should” be doing (like reading more, baking Christmas cookies, chitchatting with our neighbors, posting stuff to sell on ebay, and the other 25 things on my to-do list). Just a tad bit overwhelming.

I’m not writing all this to show how much more I do than anyone else. In fact, I’m pretty sure that most women out there are busier than I am. But I think we all have this tendency to think that we have to do it all perfectly, or we might as well do none of it. At least that’s my temptation. If I allow myself to get so overwhelmed that I can see there’s even the possibility of failure, I want to collapse in a heap on the floor and weep. “Why is life so hard?” I ask myself.

Well, because I’m making it that way. Instead of making these unrealistic standards, like I have to have Christmas decorations that look like they’re straight from Martha Stewart, or I need to healthy all day long and I’m never going to eat chocolate again, or I need to read a book a week, or I can never watch TV because that is wasting time that could be spent doing some productive, I need to remind myself that imperfection is good enough.

Instead of looking at the entire mountain of things to do and feeling completely paralyzed or depressed, I need to just take one thing, one manageable thing that I can do right then and do it. It may be as small as putting away a book. It could be doing the dishes, or accomplishing one step of Christmas cards, or reading just a couple verses from the Bible. And I’ve found that once I’ve gotten over the initial panic of “I can’t do all this!”, I get into the groove and accomplish more than I expected.

I also need to let go of this idea that everything has to be perfect. My Christmas decorations can have a quirky doesn’t-quite-go-together kind of feel. I can do the exercises at the gym that I know how to do instead of following the newest “Bikini Body in 28 Days!” routine that involves twisting, pulling, jumping, and screaming (that might just be my version). I can read a few pages of a book before falling asleep at night. I can let the dishes pile up in the sink and do them tomorrow.

At the core of all of this is a belief that God is the one who has everything under control. He is the one who makes it all happen, not me. It is also believing that these things I have decided that I “have to do” don’t add or subtract anything to His love for me. He loves me the most He ever will right now, because He loves me with the same love with which He loves His Son, Jesus. Did you know that it actually says that in the Bible? John 17:23 says …”that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” That’s amazing.

It is Christ’s perfection that frees us to be imperfect, to be human, to not have it all together. That doesn’t mean we don’t try to do our best. It means we don’t get discouraged by failure or depressed by overwhelming odds. We should walk through this victorious, knowing that “steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.” How I need so desperately to believe that truth in this season of my life! It is so easy to let these slight and momentary afflictions take my eyes off God and His sovereign goodness. But I mustn’t. I must keep looking to Him, trusting in Him, resting in Him. “I lift my eyes to the hills; where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.”

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, of the things you feel weighing you down with their urgency and importance, look to Christ and his perfection. Be content with your own unique human imperfection, remembering that “our sufficiency is from God.”

Tags: , , , , ,

Celebrating Christmas in Faith

5 Dec

I had a visit from the local Jehovah’s Witnesses yesterday. They were bringing around the new issue of the magazine their religious organization publishes and this one was on The Truth About Christmas. While some of their beliefs are so ridiculous that they’re actually funny, I do think that as a Christian who claims to believe the truth, I shouldn’t be opposed to reading about and understanding other religions. My experience thus far is that salvation by faith alone in grace alone continues to win (and I believe it will continue to do so).

But nevertheless, I listened to the Witnesses’ spiel about Christmas and how it should not be celebrated by Christians. They said Christ commands us to celebrate His death, not His birth. Which I have to agree that Christ did indeed command us to celebrate His death (through communion) but where I disagree is that Christ commanded us to not celebrate His birth. It isn’t in the Bible.

The next reason why they said we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas is because the magi were actually astrologers and that was a profession detestable to God. Moreover, the star of Bethlehem was actually a “sinister device of Satan” because it was used 1) to lead the wise men to Herod 2) to lead them to Christ and 3) instead of angels like God did for the shepherds. So the wise men were pawns in Satan’s grand scheme to  kill Jesus and they… were unsuccessful. I’m confused… why is that a reason we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas? And even if all that is true, why then did the magi travel 800-900 miles to see Jesus, only to worship Him and bring Him expensive gifts? The logic here is falling short, I think.

The final reason why they said we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas is because it is usually accompanied by overeating, imbibing, partying, dancing and not just giving gifts but exchanging gifts. Now, I have to agree somewhat with this statement. I do think that our secular culture does indeed take this time of year as an excuse for an endless number of holiday parties, resulting in many a person getting sloshed and stuffed. The culture also uses this time of year to keep the American marketplace in the black (Black Friday is no secret) and gift giving has become more of a “must” instead of a suggestion or option. I will give them that.

But I don’t agree that Christmas has to be celebrated that way. In fact, when Travis and I have kids, I am going to be very careful about teaching our kids the real meaning of Christmas, making sure they understand the privilege of receiving presents (and those in appropriate amounts), and not deceiving them by saying there’s a Santa. But even now when we don’t have kids, I feel that I keep the real meaning of Christmas in mind and that it’s not just about tinsel, cookies, and holiday lights (though those are great accompaniments), but it’s about Christ becoming flesh and dwelling among us – an AMAZING TRUTH!!

As a Christian who wants to live a life glorifying to God, I don’t want to just dismiss these statements by the Jehovah’s Witnesses as stupid and legalistic. If that is really what the Bible says, then I have to accept that and repent. But after study, I believe that the Bible doesn’t say anything about not celebrating Christmas (though its roots are a pagan holiday). In fact, I feel there are many verses that say it’s up to the individual and their personal convictions from the Spirit (1 Corinthians 10:23-31; Galatians 5:1; Colossians 2:16-23; 1 Timothy 4:1-5). For some Christians, it may be wrong to celebrate Christmas. They might not be able to do it in faith (“in faith” meaning they believe it is pleasing to God and have no doubts) and if they can’t, they shouldn’t. But for those of us who are focusing on the real meaning and cause of celebration of Christmas, and are doing so in faith, Christmas is a wonderful time of year that should (and can) be received with thanksgiving.

I, personally, am very thankful for this time of year and believe that celebrating Christ’s entrance into the world (and being humbled by the fact that GOD became MAN) is very pleasing to God.

Tags: , , , ,

Frugal by choice.

2 Dec

I have always thought that being frugal seemed kind of like an adventure. Clipping coupons, mending old clothes, inventing new food utilizing what you already have in your pantry – these are the making of some really great stories. So when I’ve been thinking about the idea of possibly not having a job for a while at the beginning of the year, part of me secretly is excited (the other part realizes that being excited about that is slightly neurotic) about being forced to be frugal.

But after my recent conviction about my inordinate shopping habits, I have realized that I don’t have to be forced to be frugal – I can choose to be. There’s nothing stopping me from being frugal right now, except my own laziness and penchant for expensive things.

Example: I have recently discovered that 4 of my most favorite pairs of jeans have developed holes in immodest places. Holes that cannot easily be repaired. Making my jeans pretty much unwearable and worthless. It was to be expected – I’ve had these jeans for about 6 or 7 years now. On one pair, the denim in the butt area has been worn so thin, it feels like tissue paper (no surprise that is where the hole appeared).

Old Kathy would chuck those jeans and go right out to buy a new pair. New Kathy is going to hold on to those jeans (maybe make them into jean skirts or funky jeans with patches?) and make do with her 3 other pairs. Maybe it will inspire me to wear my dressier pants and skirts more.

Other ways Travis and I plan on cutting down on our costs is canceling our Netflix subscription (we were watching about 1 movie every month – not worth it) and canceling our internet at home. It’s roughly the same cost to have internet on our phones as it is to have it at home. We really don’t want to be spending money on both and we can tether our computers to our phones (for a slow but steady connection). So we’re going to save the $540/year. We are also going with a cheaper insurance plan. The deductible is higher and pretty much nothing is covered until you pay that but it is $1,500/year less expensive. Cha-ching!

At times, I don’t even recognize this me. In high school, I thought saving money was overrated (I know, who was I to know?). I never shopped sales racks, never clipped coupons (still is something I need to work on), and I bought whatever I wanted, regardless of price. But now, I am thrilled at the idea of saving money, LOVE finding a good deal, and get squeamish at the prices of some sweaters and jeans (even though they’re less than what I would have paid a few years ago).

Yay for being frugal! How are you being frugal these days?

 

Tags: , ,

Pursuing my dream.

1 Dec

I was talking with my good friend Cathy the other day about spiritual gifts and she asked me if I knew what mine was. I said that it might be writing, since I’ve had a passion for it since I was old enough to hold a pencil (correctly) and while I’m not the world’s greatest writer, God has given me some talent for it. Plus, I figure if God wants to use this passion/talent for the benefit of His church, who am I to tell Him not to? But He can’t use it if I don’t exercise it.

I haven’t been exercising it in any form beyond this blog because of several reasons. I tell myself writing isn’t practical – it’s very difficult to make money doing it. I tell myself that I don’t have time to write – I’m busy working full-time to make the money writing doesn’t provide. I tell myself that my ambition is stupid or selfish – who am I to think that anyone would want to read what I have to say? Why would anyone want to read about my life lessons? Sometimes I think my blogged thoughts drift out into a corner of cyberspace, just to end up covered in cobwebs, unread and untouched.

But the biggest reason why I haven’t pursued writing is because I don’t believe God would do anything with it. To be honest, I’m afraid of dreaming big and falling flat on my face. I mean, I could spend the better part of a year working on a manuscript that no one else ever reads. This dream of mine to be a published author could turn out to be just that – a dream – but not God’s plan for my life.

Then I hear this little voice in my head say, So what? So what if that’s what happens? Shouldn’t I be faithful with the gift God has given me? Don’t I think that my ruminations on life could benefit another Christian walking through the same thing, similar to (but much less than) the same way I benefit from other Christian authors? Why should I take this gift and hide it under a rock?

I’ve come to think that the answer is… I shouldn’t. And the only reason why I have hidden this gift is because I’m too scared to use it. In my aim to be realistic and hold my dreams with open hands, I’ve dropped them completely. I’ve given in to cynicism. “God won’t do that for me. It’s just not His plan for me to be a writer.” Says who? Says me, with my limited perspective on my life? It hasn’t happened so far, so that means it never will? Does that mean if I don’t have kids now, I never will? Of course not. So why would that apply to being a writer?

I also dream about working in the book publishing industry. It’s probably not surprising that a person who likes to write also likes to read. If I could spend every day, all day reading, I would. There are so many books I want to read! I would love to be involved in creating them, editing them, designing them, promoting them. I, unfortunately, live in the wrong part of the country for that career (another one of my excuses for not pursuing that dream). Most of the jobs are in Chicago or New York. There are some jobs here in Denver but they are few and far between, and usually in the departments I have no experience with or desire for.

But I have to admit that they do exist and this past Monday, I saw an opening for a Book Content Editor at a company that publishes books and articles about crafts, with an emphasis on knitting. Now, I don’t know even the first thing about knitting (ok, well maybe I do know that you need a needle and yarn…but beyond that, I’m clueless) and having an extensive knowledge of knitting was a requirement in the job description. Even though I felt I was very well-suited based on the other requirements, the lack of that one requirement would have been enough for me to say “Well, I don’t have any knowledge of knitting so I’m not qualified. Delete.” But this time, I thought “I can totally do this job!” If I want to work in the publishing industry so badly, why not go for it? So I sent in my resume. And even if nothing comes of it, it’s the act of pursuing what I really want to do that is liberating. And not just the act of pursuing, but also the believing that God can make something of it. God is a God of possibility, of opportunity, of potential. And even if only nobody else ever reads my writing in the history of the world, at least I can say that I used it faithfully.

Now, if only I could find the time to write…

Tags: , , , , ,

Where’s the line?

30 Nov

This past weekend when we were with Travis’ family, he made some comments about me that I didn’t appreciate (nor did I think they were true). Since we drove back, I took the liberty of bringing the biggest suitcase we own – all of my big cozy sweaters take up a lot of room! And since I can’t wear them in Denver (it’s never cold enough), I figured that I might as well bring them back to Minnesota where it was cold enough.

Well, apparently this just proved to Travis something he had suspected all along – I am your typical woman packer. You’ve seen her at the airport. 5 suitcases and a tote bag that all match. She has to put them on the dolly because there are too many to carry. You wonder as she walks by “Why on earth does she need that much luggage? I hope she’s moving somewhere for several years.”

Ok, I can guarantee that I’m not that bad. I am actually able to carry on my suitcase for 99% of the flights we go on now (Mexico in January will be an exception). I leave my beauty products at home when they are bigger than 3 oz. I plan on wearing the same pair of pants more than once (gasp!). I bring one pair of shoes that will go with everything I packed (and usually try to keep all my clothes to either a goes-with-brown or a goes-with-black palette). I’m being creative so that I can carry on and please Travis. Do I not deserve some credit here?

[For the record, Travis does acknowledge and appreciate my efforts to carry on my luggage for flights. The comments he makes are playful in nature.]

Another comment that Travis made was when he was going through some clothes that no longer fit his younger (by 10 years!) brother, that his mom thought would fit Travis. “I need some more work shirts,” he said, “because Kathy keeps throwing mine away.” Now, that comment would probably irritate me even if it were true, but the thing is, it’s NOT! I have not thrown away even ONE of Travis’ work shirts and honestly, I have no idea where that comment even came from. Whatever, DEAR.

This blog is not a husband rant. Rather, these funny situations have highlighted a few things for me. One, I continue to struggle with the idea of being misunderstood. These comments that Travis makes are, from his perspective, all in good fun and aren’t intended to be criticizing, mean or derogatory. But I struggle with taking them in stride. Not because I think Travis really thinks that I’m materialistic or am on a warpath against his work shirts but because they are contradictory to who I think I am.

You see, I can’t handle being labeled materialistic. Mostly because I believe that I am not materialistic. Or at least I’m trying hard enough to not be materialistic that I think I’ve earned getting rid of that label. Ok, so maybe in contrast to Travis, I am slightly materialistic. But he drools over tools the same way I drool over new sweaters. Just saying…

Nonetheless, I have identified myself as “not materialistic.” I have also identified myself as supporting my husband’s ruggedness, which means dirty work shirts, tattered jeans, and shoes with holes in them. I just won’t support him in public. 😉

So Travis’ comments bother me because I feel like I’m being misunderstood. That’s not how I really am! I have to prove to you that I’m not like that! But that is not the way of Christ – He allowed people to form wrong impressions of Him. He knew who He was and didn’t need other people to understand Him.

His comments have also shown me another instance of where there is a fine line between an action being in faith and an action being a sin. Travis isn’t the only person who makes comments like that. I know someone else who likes to point out idiosyncrasies and quirky behaviors in front of other people… me.

I’ve been known to rib Travis about his attire selections or preferences. Or about something stupid he did. Or his hair. Or his hobo socks. Any of his quirks have been fair game.

But there is a line. I have to say that sometimes I make jokes at Travis’ expense because I’m actually a little bit mad or annoyed at him. Or I secretly hope that somehow, my comment will get him to change. Or I need other people to understand that I did NOT let my husband out of the house dressed that way. In short, those jokes often come out of lack of respect for Travis – and that is unacceptable.

I’ve often felt like my jokes go over the line – and I’ve asked Travis if it bothers him. He has repeatedly said no, that he actually thinks they’re kind of funny. But they just don’t sit right with me. And when I brought up my struggle with the comments that Travis made this past weekend about me, he seemed surprised that they bothered me so much (especially since I make those kind of jokes about him right back).

Which shows me that while I do believe Travis can make those jokes in faith (he is a chronic jokester, after all), I cannot. I want our marriage to faithfully represent the love of Christ for His church and am not sure that my witty comments about Trav’s mullet haircut serve that purpose. If Travis thinks joking about my need to match my shoes to my shirt can represent that love, more power to him (and more grace to me!). But, as with a lot of things in the Christian life, there’s a line between good, clean fun and sin masquerading as a joke.

So where is that line? What is ok to joke about, and what isn’t? How much time should you spend doing things for other people, and how much time should you spend on yourself? What about money – how much should you keep and how much should you give away? How much time should you spend at your job? How much time should you spend getting ready in the morning? What size of house should you have? How new of a car?

All of these are amoral things in and of themselves – and no matter how much I read and study, I cannot find any concrete criteria to answer these questions.

That’s because there is none. If the Christian life had rules, it would cease to be based in freedom. If God didn’t give us choices, we couldn’t choose to love Him over worldly things. The line between freedom and sin is a thin one, one wrought by the Spirit in our hearts. Sin is indicated by the Spirit’s conviction in our hearts. Freedom is characterized by joy. I keep looking for the line, asking God to just tell me already what He wants from me.

God is telling me what He wants. The absence of a concrete line is God’s way of telling me that He wants a relationship with me, instead of me just obeying a bunch of rules. Since there is no determined criteria, I have to stay in tune with the Spirit through an intimate relationship with God and let my heart and convictions indicate to me where the line is for me.

So, to stay on the freedom side of the line, I am going to respond to the Spirit’s conviction and try to stop poking fun at Travis in front of other people. I want to respect him and support him, no matter how ridiculous or silly I think he is! Like I mentioned in a recent blog post, I am also going to stop shopping for myself, since the Spirit has convicted me that I have an inordinate amount of clothing. I am also praying for the grace to respond to other convictions given by the Spirit.

Here’s to walking the line!

Tags: , , , , ,

Thankful.

25 Nov

Travis and I made it to Minnesota, amazingly. The 16-hour drive to Nevis (where Travis grew up) was brutal. I hit a wall around hour 14. I had been driving but after encountering some icy roads in Fargo, I decided Travis should drive. I had planned to stay awake because I knew Travis was exhausted too but I literally could not. I felt drugged – I would wake up periodically to check on Travis but would fall back into my comatose state faster than he could respond.

Then, when we finality got to his parents’ house, I crawled into bed to take a nap. After 3 glorious hours of unconsciousness, I felt human again. I was so completely out of it that Travis said I was sawing logs like he never heard before and when he tried to poke, shake, clap, and yell at me to get me to stop, I wouldn’t respond. He resorted to pinching my nose shut, so I couldn’t breathe. Apparently, that was effective. Good to know my survival instinct still works.

This Thanksgiving is the first in the last 3 years we’ve been back to the good ole Minnesota. It’s a good feeling. I love the snow, the cold, seeing everything covered in white, people bundled in warm clothing. Up here in the sticks, you also see people wearing blaze orange and camo hunting gear, even though they’re not hunting. Ah… Minnesota. Good to be here.

I am very thankful to have inlaws that I really love. Travis’ family is great. Very laidback and down-to-earth, friendly, welcoming, supportive. I am so glad we came back to spend Thanksgiving with them.

Being here brings back a lot of good memories and fuzzy feelings. It makes me very excited at the thought of moving back in a few years. To live near family, enjoy snow all winter long, play on lakes all summer long. I didn’t realize how much I loved Minnesota until we moved away. But I’m still very glad we moved to Colorado, not only because we’ve made good friends and had great experiences, but also because we now know that if and when we move back, we will be choosing Minnesota because we love it, not just because we were born here.

I am thankful that God created this great state.

Tags: , ,

DIY Valance

23 Nov

Ever since starting to work at home back in March, I have been on the hunt for the perfect valance for my office. I love damask patterns, so I was really looking for one like that but couldn’t find one that would fit since the window itself is only 2′ tall.

So I made my own!

I had attempted to sew things before making this valance with the sewing machine I got from Travis’ grandma but the thread kept bunching up on the underside of the fabric and I couldn’t figure out why. Beth (my MIL) suggested adjusting the thread tension, which I did. And while I think that was part of the problem, I soon discovered the real reason I was having problems: I was forgetting to lower the foot where the thread comes out (excuse me if there’s a technical name for that). D’oh! So now, I just have to learn how to feed the fabric through in a straight line!

Regardless, here is the how the valance turned out:

 

Colors for the office are now pink, orange and teal

I had at first planned for it to be just a piece of fabric hanging across the window (like a flat valance) but even though I only made it 12″ long, it covered up 1/2 the window. And since my sewing job wasn’t the greatest, bunching it up and tying bows helped to make it shorter AND hid my poor seams. 😉

 

Closeup of the fabric and bows

Since I am proof that even a non-sewer can sew something and make it look decent, here is how I made this: I bought 2 yards of fabric (the window is about 4′ wide). I folded the fabric in 1/2 the long way and sewed shut all the open ends (top and 2 sides). I then folded the top down about 3 or 4 inches (depending on the size of your curtain rod) and sewed that, creating a pocket for the curtain rod. If you are creating a flat valance, you would probably also want to sew a seam along the bottom (about 3″ from the bottom), just for the visual.

Anyway, it’s not complicated or hard at all. It’s pretty much just using common sense. But not only was this cheaper than buying an actual valance (I think the fabric was less than $10), I got to choose the fabric I wanted AND make it the right length for our window (since it’s more of a midget window than a normal one).

Here is my office right now:

 

Where I have been spending my workin' days - see the cute pink lampshade?

I am planning on adding wooden letters painted pink and orange spelled HOPE right above my desk, to the left of my lamp. It’s on my To-Do List!

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

 

Tags: , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →