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Doing My To-Do List

22 Nov

After a summer of accomplishing pretty much nothing except working, sleeping, eating and running, I find that there are way too many things I’ve been putting off for way too long. So instead of letting them overwhelm me and keep me from sleeping at night, I have started one ginormous To-Do List. If I think of something that should be done, but can’t do it as I’m thinking about it, I write it down. My goal is to do 1 thing on my To-Do List every day until my To-Do List is gone. I am also trying to do things as I think about them, if it’s possible, instead of seeing something that needs to be done and making a mental note to do it later. I figure I can avoid a lot of unnecessary brain clutter this way.

This has several benefits. First, it gets these thoughts of things to do out of my head so that I can fill my brain with more important thoughts. I don’t have to constantly be remembering the things I wanted to do.

Second, it has helped me balance work with rest. I can be productive and still have some free time. I am a person who swings from one extreme to the next. I can spend one day lying on the couch and doing nothing but watch bad movies or re-run marathons and then spend the next doing chores and errands from dawn until dusk. (More than once, I’ve wondered if I might be slightly manic-depressive.) The usual result of that whirlwind is that I’m exhausted the next day and feel like I spent my whole previous day doing things I didn’t want to do but “had” to do.

This list has helped me balance my 2 extremes out. After work or church, I look at my To-Do List and find 1 thing that I can (and want) to do. Some of them are small things like organizing the shoes in the closet by our front door. Or writing a letter to our Compassion child. Or finishing the painting that has been sitting in our living room unfinished since last Thanksgiving. Some of them are big things like painting our bedroom. Or writing and mailing our Christmas cards. Or transferring my 401(k) funds to my Roth IRA (ugh).

After I finish the task, I go scratch it off my list. If I feel like doing something else on my list, great. But if not, I have accomplished my goal of doing 1 productive thing. And then I have the rest of the day to spend as I wish. I CAN have both work and rest in the same day!

This past weekend, I succeeded at this. On Friday night, I wrote a letter to our Compassion child. On Saturday, I finished the painting in our living room (only took me a whole year!). Yesterday, I sorted out the enormous stack of magazines I had collected, ripping out articles I wanted to keep and recycling the rest.

Third, this list has helped me get things done that I want to get done without having to really rack my brain to remember what they were. When I have some free time, I can use it effectively instead of walking from room to room trying to think of something to do or just wasting the time by watching TV. I have been convicted lately that watching an inordinate amount of TV like I had been doing is just a huge waste of life. I feel just as relaxed when I read a book but I feel way more productive and more educated from reading. So I’m trying to only watch TV with Travis or when there’s really something good on (like Thursday nights with Bones and The Office).

So what’s on the docket for today? Scheduling dentist appointments. (Boo.)

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A Shopping Hiatus

21 Nov

Yesterday, I went shopping at Old Navy. I have been on the hunt for a classic, slim jean skirt that I could wear in the winter with my boots. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I finally found exactly what I was looking for at Old Navy on the clearance rack for $8.50. Can’t beat that.

While I was there, I also found a tank top for $3.75, a sweater for $6.00, another sweater for $9.50, and a scarf for $12.50. In college, I never bought things off the sale rack – I felt like it was too much effort. Now, not only am I surprised by how often I find great deals, I am also surprised at how rewarding it is to save money!

All that aside, I left Old Navy feeling slightly guilty. Even though I had only bought things that were on sale (with the exception of the scarf), and only spent $44.34 on 5 items, something didn’t sit right. I went next door to Michael’s and bought some wooden letters to spell HOPE, which I am going to paint pink and orange, decorate with sequins and polka dots and hang up in my office, as well as a basket that I’m going to fill with lots of food and goodies for my friend D for Christmas. That was another $32.67.

As I pulled out of the parking lot with my purchases, an unsettling yet subtle feeling of guilt stole over me. The same feeling I have any time I buy clothes, accessories, or shoes for myself.  Frivolous things. Unnecessary things. Things I cannot justify needing in any way, shape or form. The feeling is then compounded by spending money on anything additional, even if they’re groceries.

At first, it was the needy, hungry kids over in Africa with their sad puppy dog eyes that gave me guilt over a new sweater. Then, it was the homeless in Denver who needed a Thanksgiving meal that cost the exact amount of a new pair of shoes. And just recently, it was the realization that I was shopping for myself during the holidays, when “everyone else” is shopping for other people.

Most forms of guilt are from the devil. I know this because the Bible explicitly disputes the things the devil tells me to feel guilty about. Like I’m not good enough. I can never change. I’m not a loving person. I only think about myself. In Christ, those things are utterly untrue.

But when it comes to clothes and the like, there are no Bible verses to back me up. In fact, the only verses I can find actually point to the opposite:

“Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have” (Hebrews 13:5).

“For they gave according to their means…and beyond their means, of their own free will” (2 Corinthians 8:3).

“Do not let your adorning be external — the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing…” (1 Peter 3:3).

“But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content” (1 Timothy 6:8).

“But God said to [her], ‘Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the [clothes] that you have [amassed], whose will they be?” (Luke 12:20, bracketed words changed for emphasis)

“If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me” (Matthew 19:21).

“Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions” (Luke 12:15).

All of these are very persuasive but none penetrated deeper into my heart than Romans 14:23, “For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”

Even though I don’t believe that shopping or clothing are sins in and of themselves, and I do believe that many Christians can shop and buy clothes in faith and with thanksgiving, I cannot escape the fact that I, right now, am not one of them. My guilt cannot be rationalized away. Believe me – I’ve tried!

I’ve tried to tell myself that since we donate to our church, support 2 campus ministering couples, and sponsor a Compassion child, I can spend some money on myself. I tell myself that I don’t buy clothes very often – maybe once every couple months – and that I usually find the good deals. I analyze each purchase to make sure it’s exactly what I want and that I love it. I try not to buy things that look exactly like something else I already have in my closet. And hey, I’m a lot more financially responsible than I used to be!!

My heart doesn’t buy it.

Alas, I have come to accept that since I cannot buy clothes in the freedom of faith that I am pleasing God, buying clothes (or shoes, accessories, purses, etc) is, for me, right now, a sin. As I was driving home feeling guilty, God asked me, “So if you feel so guilty every time you shop, why do you keep shopping?” I paused… and then said, “Good point.”

The deep feelings in my heart about this are written very succinctly by Thomas Merton, “The more goods I  keep for my own enjoyment, the less there are for others. My pleasures and comforts are, in a certain sense, taken from someone else. And when my pleasures and comforts are inordinate, they are not only taken from another, but they are stolen. I must learn to deprive myself of good things in order to give them to others who have a greater need of them than I.”

I cannot escape the conviction that I should not be buying more things that I don’t need, at the expense of giving those resources to someone who could really use them. I have been fighting this feeling while continuing to shop because I wanted to know WHY I felt this way. It’s not a sin to shop – so why can’t I shop? But this morning, when I stopped and asked myself why this fight continued and I didn’t just yield to the conviction that shopping was a selfish desire and repent, I realized I hadn’t conceded because deep down, I want happiness in the forms of clothes. I wanted that more than I wanted to obey.

“Surely God isn’t asking me to give up buying new clothes,” I thought.

“But what if He is asking that?”

“Then I guess I have to give it up.”

So here I am, still not understanding exactly why this is a conviction of mine, but out of love for God and a desire to be obedient, I am going to stop buying clothes. I figure I have about 7 years before I’d literally need anything new. (Good motivation to workout I guess!) And I will only start again when I can do it in faith. Sans nagging voice in the back of my head telling me my money would be better spent elsewhere. Maybe this is the beginning of something big.

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Changing “I can’t” to “I can”

19 Nov

The title to this blog post might sound like some self-help mumbo jumbo but let me assure you it’s not. I rejoice that this is a real spiritual truth. The statement might be the same in either case but the basis behind the idea is completely different. With self-help, you chant this mantra to yourself, trying to change the way you approach life without any solid reason to expect life to be any different. Nothing guarantees things will change once you start to “look on the bright side of things.” (Optimism only gets you so far.)

But with God, this is a profound life-changing realization.

Let me explain:

This past Wednesday, I had my job interview at our church (I’m applying to work in the office). I learned that they are going to announce the open positions at the church meeting this Sunday to see if anyone else is interested and are hoping to make a decision in time for the new person to start at the beginning of the year. Which means I am going to have to keep working my current job for potentially the next month and a half.

My first reaction upon learning this was no different than my reaction when I first heard that YCS was willing to keep me on until the end of December: “I can’t handle another 2 months of this job! I need out NOW!”

In the past few weeks, I have noticed that I think this kind of thing a lot. When presented with a task that I’d rather not do, whether it be cleaning the house or making dinner, I think, “I just can’t do that right now. I don’t have the energy for it. I’m so tired.” When confronted with my own sin, and feeling like a failure yet again, I think, “I can’t be a good Christian. I can’t be loving and selfless. I’m never going to be the kind of person I want to be.”

This defeatist mentality is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I feel like a failure, the more I fail – because I don’t believe that I have the power to change. I am just a victim of myself. And if God doesn’t magically change me, I’m doomed to being this way the rest of my life.

But that was not the way the Apostle Paul approached things. He had the same frustration with his flesh – “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” (Romans 7:18). Paul was frustrated at his inability to do what he wanted to do, but he recognized that there was a separation between his true self and his flesh. His true self delighted in the law of God but his flesh was waging war against his spirit and making him captive to the law of sin.

I have been trapped there. The sins and failures of my flesh have been making me a captive, robbing me of my understanding of God and the gospel. I have fallen prey to the lie that it is not just my flesh committing those sins – it’s me. I am the bad person, the failure, the hopeless sinner. There is nothing good in me, period. These lies pull me down into a dark pit, the light of God’s glory and love growing continually dimmer and smaller. “Who will rescue me, liberate me, free me from this body of death?”

The glorious answer is, Christ! Christ rescues me, liberates me, frees me from myself. From my sins, my failures, and my mistakes. Moreover, He not only forgives me and wipes my slate clean, He also gives me a new spirit and a new heart, enabling me to conquer my sin and live a victorious life. Now, in Christ, I can say that I am not a constant failure. I don’t have to question my every motive and intention – because I am redeemed, I have good desires. I love God. I delight in the law of God. I am a godly woman. I am a loving person. I am selfless and sacrificing. I, the chosen and beloved, am being conformed to the image of Christ.

I learned recently that because these things are all God’s will for me, I can pray for them with authority – meaning, I can ask in prayer and believe that I have received them (James 1:5). God will not withhold His love, His patience, His wisdom from me. “No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).

It has helped me immensely to see the power available to me through the Spirit because of Christ’s resurrection. His death provided salvation – His resurrection now provides the power for sanctification. Instead of being riddled with thoughts about how “I can’t” be the person I want to be, I now live in the power that I CAN change, I CAN be the person God has called me to be, I CAN live for His glory and make Him proud. I have the same power living in me that raised Christ from the dead!!

While I still believe that God doesn’t want us to feel good about ourselves apart from Christ (because we would be deceiving ourselves into thinking we don’t need a Savior), I do believe that as redeemed children of God, we are called to feel positive, hopeful and encouraged about who we are in Christ. After all, it doesn’t seem right that we should constantly loathe and despise the temple of the Holy Spirit. If God loves us as He sees us in Christ, we should love ourselves in Christ.

Christ Himself uses victory as motivation for perseverance: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Just like Christ’s triumph over evil should give us hope despite evil in the world, our new natures in Christ should give us hope despite our sinful flesh. Because we are guaranteed progress in the Christian life if we so desire it, because we have the resurrection power of the Holy Spirit aiding our efforts, we should be all the more motivated to strive after godliness and holiness.

“And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord'” (1 Corinthians 1:30).

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Life lately

12 Nov

It’s been longer than I’d like since I posted last. I keep thinking of things that would be great to post about but this week has been so busy that I haven’t had the time.

But it’s been great! After my last post about discovering the lies I was believing, I got to have coffee with my good friend Cathy Kellerman. She has helped me immensely to see truth and understand how to hold on to hope instead of drown in my failures. That has been a huge blessing and enabled me to appreciate my job situation for right now.

Here’s what else I have been up to: Last Friday, our friends Amy and Michael Leon stayed with us as they were moving from Yellowstone to San Antonio, Texas, for their next seasonal position as a park ranger and wife.

On Saturday, D and I went up to Boulder to finally get massages (I also got a manicure) with our gift certificates from our bosses. It was a VERY nice spa and an excellent massage – very relaxing. Saturday night, we had some friends over for dinner and played Scrabble.

Sunday, we went to church and then to a chili cook-off. We made chili as a kind of after-though – I looked up a recipe for elk chili online on Saturday and made it Sunday morning – and we won by a landslide! I have to admit it was pretty darn good chili. Sometime this coming week I’ll post the recipe for all of you (and you don’t have to use elk to make it!) Then Sunday afternoon, I helped Travis rake our front yard (8 trash bags full of leaves and pine needles!), took Katy on a walk, made our hotel and car reservations for this weekend (more on that shortly), and read Jane Eyre – definitely a page-turner!

Though the weekend was full, it was very enjoyable. This week has been the same. Monday, I worked and then volunteered at the church. Tuesday, I worked, volunteered at the church and then had a women’s book study at our church. Wednesday, I worked, made more of the Elk Chili Sensation and went to care group. Yesterday, I had coffee with Cathy, worked, then we had some friends over for dinner and played Scrabble again (different friends but I won both times!). And then today, I ran 2 miles, packed, did the dishes, watered the plants and cleaned out the fridge, am currently in the process of buying some new running songs and putting them on my iPod (among them are Lady Gaga’s Deluxe Fame Album, as well as Sexy Bitch by David Guetta – don’t judge me; it’s a great song to run to!)

Wow, I am exhausted just typing all of this. It feels like this is the busiest I’ve been in a long time but it’s with fun stuff! And it’s amazing how being joyful in the Lord can make all these things, even the cooking and cleaning, enjoyable and pleasant. So it’s been a great week overall.

I did find out last Saturday, however, that my job position with the race company is being eliminated at the end of December. I am not in the least disappointed – except perhaps by the fact that I am not being eliminated right away. 🙂 I see this news instead as God’s indication to me that I am indeed supposed to move on to a new season of life, which I will gladly do. I am meeting with the pastor at our church next week about working in the office as the administrator. So I’m still hoping and praying that I get that job. But if not, God still has a plan. It might just take a bit longer to discover. In the meantime, I’m still working at home with the race company, designing the shirts and medals and stuff for next year.

But I’m not thinking about that this weekend – I’m going to have fun and relax, enjoying being with my parents and hubby in Malibu, California! The marathon is this weekend – I was going to run the full but switched to the half after all the issue with my knee and IT band. Which is just as well because I really don’t think I would’ve had the time to train for the full anyway. Plus, this way I can still do stuff on Sunday after the race instead of needing to be wheeled around in a wheelchair!

What’s better is that I finally get some time off – I took today completely off and I’m taking Monday completely off. I’ll be working again on Tuesday, though not full-time. I added up all the hours I worked for the past 9 weeks and found that I averaged 44 hours a week. Since I am not going to be with this job at least by the beginning of January (if not sooner), I figure I can take that extra 36 hours I worked and spread it out over the next couple weeks, so I really only have to work about 25-30 hours every week. (This past week I only worked 22 though!) Oh well. I’ll buckle down if I find out I’m not getting the church job. Otherwise, I am really enjoying being able to have some free time again.

Life is good right now – thanks be to God!

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Seeing through the lies

5 Nov

This week started off rough. I was still struggling with not liking my job and feeling too disinterested and exhausted to do anything besides eke out some work and then read or watch TV. Naturally, I felt guilty at this lack of productivity – “just one more way I suck,” I thought.

After women’s group on Wednesday, I drove home crying. I just couldn’t understand why I felt so tired and lethargic. Why I couldn’t even muster up the strength to hope in God or have faith that things would get better. I had hit rock bottom and couldn’t do anything but stay there, calling out to God for Him to rescue me.

Well, no surprise, He did. Yesterday morning, I read Philippians 3:12-14 where Paul talks about not being perfect but pressing on, forgetting what lies behind and straining toward what lies ahead. I realized that I have been drowning in discouragement and despair because I have been focusing on my failures, resulting in either feelings of defeat or self-pity.

I have been believing lies in pretty much every area of my life:

When I see something I haven’t done, Satan takes that failure and says “See? You’ll never change. You just suck too much.”

He uses my stress to say “See? You can’t handle this. It’d be easier to just give up and watch TV all day instead.”

Satan takes my desire for rest and relaxation, turns it into feelings of laziness and says  “See? This is all you’re good at. Look at how much other people accomplish – you’re pathetic.”

Satan takes my spirit’s desire for Christ-likeness and says “Don’t even try. It’ll never happen. You’re incapable of living that way.”

Satan takes any glimmer of hope or joy and snuffs it out saying “That doesn’t make any difference – look at all the other areas in your life right now that suck. You have absolutely no reason to be happy or hopeful.”

And even after recognizing this yesterday morning, and feeling hopeful that I can finally combat these negative emotions because I know the root and cause of them, Satan says “You can’t fight this. You’re too weak, too tired, too pathetic. You disgust me.”

These lies are so subtle because they’re based in truth. I am incapable of changing and being like Christ in and of myself. I have failed to live the life I feel God has called me to. But I can’t stay there and focus on that. I have to move on, to focus on what I can now be in Christ, what He makes me capable of.

These are some of the truths I am using to combat these lies:

1. I am not hopeless or without hope – GOD is my hope.

2. I am indeed powerless to change myself but GOD IS NOT – He is for me and is working in me according to His perfect will.

3. My past failures have nothing to say about my present worth or future potential – only the CROSS of Christ does.

4. I am free to enjoy life and find joy in God and His blessings because I am freed from my sin and failures. “The glory of God is man fully alive.”

These truths have helped me see that when I snap at Travis, instead of beating myself up and lamenting that I’ll never be a good wife, I need to turn to God in prayer, acknowledge that I sinned and ask Him to give me grace to be a better wife.  I need to have faith in God to make me be who He says I can be in His Son, and not dwell on all the ways I don’t measure up. I can find motivation and energy to fight against sin and for joy in the victory that Christ has already won against sin and death. I am fighting a winning battle. There is guaranteed victory, and even guaranteed progress.

I am still working through the implications of these truths and I’m sure I won’t be completely free from the temptation to believe the lies for a while. They had pervaded practically every facet of my life. But Christ dwells in my heart through faith so I have confidence that He will give me the grace to believe His truths and to fight for joy.

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Home for the weekend

30 Oct

Enjoying time in the Word

I realized this morning, as I was enjoying a cup of coffee and reading the Bible, that I haven’t been home on a weekend in over 6 weeks. Holy cow! No wonder I’m exhausted.

While I wish Travis and I could just go do something fun, we’ve both been so busy lately that we have to use at least part of this weekend to catch up on housework, chores, and unfortunately, do some work.

I have had time, though, to figure out who and what I’m voting for (which was a long process, since I knew practically nothing about any candidates or amendments). Travis and I are also talking about checking out Costco (for fun and to see if we want to join) and going out for sushi.

Katy wanting attention... is she not SERIOUSLY the cutest dog EVER?

Tomorrow, we are finally resuming our Panera-before-church tradition. Travis and I had been doing that for 2-3 months but once I got this job, that was pretty much out the window. We’ve started reading Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller together but we’ve only actually discussed a chapter once because of our crazy schedules. SO needless to say, I am VERY ready for some routine! And who doesn’t love Panera? Mmmm…

I have to admit, though, that remembering how much I enjoy weekends – and how much I don’t have them anymore – just reinforces my feeling that I don’t want to do this job next year. In fact, there is a position opening up in the church office that I’m going to apply for. I’ve already told the current administrator that I’m interested and I’m going to bring my resume when I go to volunteer on Monday. I’m really trying to trust the Lord with the outcome and timing but I can’t help getting excited about the idea of a real office, a regular schedule and no more volunteer coordination or timing.

I’ll let you know how that goes. In the meantime, have a great, relaxing weekend!

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Still recovering.

27 Oct

Last week was quite possibly the longest week of my life. From Sunday to Sunday, I worked 115 hours. Isn’t that ridiculous? I did nothing except eat, sleep and work. And as my last blog post described, I was really looking forward to a break this week.

No such luck.

We are announcing our 2011 race calendar on November 1st and I am supposed to have all of the race logos designed and ready for posting by then – in addition to answering all of the post-race emails from athletes and vendors, creating the 2011 marketing strategy, designing all of the t-shirts and medals, and contracting new timing clients. And that’s just work. I was also greeted by a kitchen piled high with dishes, a laundry basket overflowing with 5 loads of laundry, an empty fridge and a dog needing a trip to the vet.

After getting a good 12 hours of sleep Sunday night, I got up on Monday at 9:30. I spent some time trying to pray but just found myself getting frustrated at the full day I had ahead, instead of the relaxing day I had hoped for. Then I worked for a bit, took Katy to the vet, worked a bit more, and volunteered at the church. Travis called me and said he was coming home from hunting a day early so we ate dinner together and watched a movie.

Tuesday, I jumped out of bed with the ambition to get the house in order. I can only take messiness for so long (and it’s not even really that long). So I gathered all of the laundry and started a load, put away all the other stuff from my suitcase, did the dishes, ate breakfast, cleaned up my office, and answered some emails. Around 12:00 noon, I called it quits and went on my first run in 2 1/2 weeks. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I can indeed still run 5 miles. I’m hoping I can run quite a bit more, considering the half marathon in Malibu is just 2 1/2 weeks away. After my run, I showered and went to the church to volunteer. When I got home, I had a phone date with my friend Brittany, then Travis made dinner, we watched a couple episodes of The Office, and he went to a hockey game while I talked to my mom on the phone. Finally, it was time for bed.

This morning, I spent some time in the Word and then edited the New Members class content I have been working on for the church. I answered some more emails (they just keep coming!), then went to my last physical therapy appointment. In the car on the way there, after feeling frazzled, rushed and stressed ever since getting home, I realized that I just needed a break. I just need to catch up on all the housework and take a breather. Then I can dive in tomorrow.

So I did. I took the afternoon off. After my appointment, I went grocery shopping, finished the laundry, and then read a magazine and watched some Desperate Housewives. I would be taking a nap right now except I am not really physically tired – just emotionally tired. And I wanted to read the blogs I follow, as well as post on mine. In 10 minutes, I’m going to go on a nice little 3-mile run, then shower and go to Care Group for dinner and discussion. I can’t say that I feel quite recharged yet – that will probably take a few weeks. But this afternoon definitely helped.

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Time for a break.

20 Oct

I am in serious need of a break. So far this week, I have worked over 45 hours – and it’s only Wednesday!

I knew that this week would be this way so at least I wasn’t surprised. I had planned that I would do nothing except work and sleep. No exercise. No reading. No fun. (Well, I at least had to squeeze in a blog post).

That’s the way my job is – race week is completely nuts. This one even more so, since I took Friday and Saturday off last weekend to go up to elk camp with Travis and his family, days I would normally be working in preparation for this week.

Instead of getting into how much these weeks make me question why I have the job I do, I’m going to talk about all the things I excited to do next week – when I have pretty much the whole week off.

First, I’m going to sleep in as long as I can, linger over the Word with a cup of coffee, read a book as long as it takes me to fall asleep into a nap, cuddle with Katy my dog, and watch movies.

Second, I’m going to get a massage, manicure, and pedicure to rescue my body, feet and hands from all of this crazy manual labor! I’m sure my back is just one big giant ball of tension. I know my right leg has been demanding I quit using it so much since the beginning of August (my IT band and hamstring are ridiculously tight).

Then, I’m going to update my resume, volunteer at the church, write and mail a letter to my Compassion child, roll over my 401(k), finish sewing a coat and swimsuit coverup (not making, just mending!), run at least 4 times (the half marathon is in less than a month!) including an 8-miler, and paint and decorate wooden letters for my office (haven’t decided what word they’ll spell yet). I’m sure there’s more – I’ve been making a list of all the things that pop into my head followed by, “I need to remember to do that.”

It’s amazing how busy I’ve been this summer. I don’t really realize it until I think about all the things I haven’t had time or energy to do. When I read about my friends’ weekend adventures online, I am reminded of how long it’s been since Travis and I just hung out for the heck of it. Heck, how long it’s been since Travis and I hung out period. And then I see the long list of things I need and want to do and I just know – it’s time for a break.

What I’m trying to figure out is how long of a break I need from this job. But that’s better left for another blog post.

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At the foot of the Cross

12 Oct

The past few days have been hard. I’ve been frustrated with/depressed about my job again and let it throw a gloomy cloud over everything. It becomes all I can think about and I just dwell in that place, wondering why I struggle so much with things other people seem to be fine with and how God and the gospel just don’t seem to be revelant in my situation.

Praise the Lord that He never lets me stay in that place! I re-read We Would See Jesus last night and this morning – took me about 6 hours. What an amazing book – definitely one of the best books ever written! It was exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. When I had felt stressed out about my job, and in turn life in general, I knew I wasn’t trusting God. I knew that my distrust was sin. But instead of just confessing it at the Cross and resting there in Jesus’ perfect atonement, I skipped ahead to trying to trust God and His plan for my life. The Hessions say it perfectly:

“A mere attempt to trust Him more completely and to rest in Him, without an acknowledgment of the sin there is, never brings victory, His victory. He is only the Vine to me as I repent of trying to be the vine myself. It is only as I repent of my unlove that I have His love; only as I confess my worry and lack of peace that I have His peace; only as I confess my impatience that I have His long-suffering; only as I confess my resentment that I have His meekness, and so on.”

Earlier, they wrote, “So it is that victory ever comes by repentance — coupled with a simple trusting Him to be to us what He promises.”

Repentance. That’s what I have been missing. I have known that I was a sinner, void of anything good in myself, and incapable of living the Christian life on my own. But I never came to the foot of the Cross and said that. Instead, that acknowledgment turned me to striving. When I felt anxious, I knew that I was sinning by not trusting in God but instead of confessing my sin, I just tried to trust God. I even prayed about it, a lot! But I constantly felt defeated. And no wonder why – I was trying to be the vine, to produce trust in God by myself.

“This, then, is the reason for our failure, too. It is simply that we have been trying to be the vine; we have been trying to find a holiness and a love for others in ourselves and from ourselves which Scripture never encourages us to expect to find there… God no longer expects us to be the vine. We need not even try. The responsibility for producing fruit is no longer ours. God has His own true Vine, the risen Lord Jesus, who is well able to produce all the fruit that God requires for others, and to fulfill all the purposes of His grace for men… We do not produce the fruit, but simply bear what He produces, as we permit Him to live in us.”

It is amazing to know that in response to my sin, all I have to do is bring it to the foot of the Cross, where Christ has paid for it once for all, and to rest there – in full acknowledgment of my failure, need, and insufficiency. And I don’t have to leave the foot of the Cross. I don’t have to go out and try better. I don’t have to draw strength from Christ to set out on my own until I fail again. I can stay there. I can rest there, knowing the reality of my condition but trusting the completion of Christ’s work on the cross. What’s more, that’s exactly where Christ works in me to produce all the things I lack.

I had been feeling hopeless and depressed. I had believed the lie that life would never get better, I would always feel this way, and I was beyond help, even God’s. But coming to the foot of the Cross, I find hope again and all the lies I had believed are destroyed – and while I still am the wretched, pathetic soul I ever was, I don’t have to grieve that fact eternally.

Because I have a Savior.

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Contentment in being a sinner

6 Oct

From my last post, it’s obvious that I’ve been thinking about contentment lately. I’ve also been thinking a lot about my sin and struggles, which seem to be everywhere and never-ending. Yesterday, I felt discouraged and depressed at the thought that I will always struggle with sin and selfishness in this life. My whole life will be like this?!?!?!? I’m not sure I can handle that, I was thinking.

But in the midst of that, I had some other thoughts. One, I’ve heard it said that the more mature Christians are the ones who recognize their sin more. So seeing my sin everywhere is actually a sign of God working in me, not me backsliding (after all, those sins have always been present, I’m just now seeing them). This is evident in the apostle Paul’s life, who describes himself in ever-increasing degrees of sinfulness. He is the “chief of sinners” in one of his very last letters.

Two, despite Paul’s awareness of his depravity, he doesn’t focus on it much. His letters are overwhelmingly about the victory we have in Christ and the new life we can now live. So perhaps I focus too much on my own sin and not enough on Christ. It’s the reverse form of pride – it’s still all about me but now, I’m just dwelling on how much I suck.

Then I read in 2 Corinthians that Paul had learned to be content with his weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on him. Roy and Revel Hession in We Would See Jesus echo that when they write:

“Grace permits us to come (nay, demands that we come) as empty sinners to be blessed, empty of right feelings, good character, and satisfactory record, with nothing to commend ourselves but our deep need, fully and frankly acknowledged. Then grace, being what it is, is drawn by that need to satisfy it, just as water is drawn to depth that it might fill it. This means that when at last we are content to find no merit in ourselves, and are willing to admit the full extent of our sinfulness, then there is no limit to what God will do for the poor who look to Him in their nothingness” (emphasis mine).

This idea of being content in being a sinner was at first confusing to me. Doesn’t being content with being a sinner mean that I resign myself to the fact that I continuously try to be my own god and that as a result of that acceptance, I will stop trying to change? But I had been thinking of contentment as a passive acceptance of reality. Instead, as I read here, “Contentment, from the biblical viewpoint, is not merely a passive willingness to bear whatever comes, but a vital, living, active power to overcome and conquer through the strength and grace of God.” So contentment and the battle for holiness can simultaneously exist in the Christian’s life.

Admitting that I have nothing good in me and never will in this lifetime is very difficult. My flesh wants to object and say, “Well what about that time that I didn’t yell at Travis, even though I wanted to? Or that time I gave $5 to a homeless man? Or what about my desire to be holy – surely that means something?” Even though I’ve said and believed that I’m utterly sinful, I haven’t understood the depth of  what that means. It means that there is nothing good in me. That I am not worth anything apart from Christ.

I have been subconsciously waiting for the day when I will feel victorious over sin. I will feel that I have conquered my old nature and am now, finally, living in the power of the Spirit. I have been expecting to, someday, no longer feel like a sinner. But that day on earth will never come. I will always be a sinner here. I will always struggle with my human nature. Instead of getting frustrated that I sinned yet again, I should say to myself in those moments, “Well, that doesn’t surprise me” and focus ever more on God’s grace to me through the cross of Christ.

This realization has been groundbreaking. Thinking about all the sins and struggles I’ve had recently, I can see that they’re all rooted in me trying to justify myself, to prove my worth, to find something in and of myself that I can hold on to and say “This. This is what makes me valuable.” My struggles with body image and jealousy of other women are just me wanting to be valuable based on beauty. My anger at Travis when he points out my sin or makes me feel stupid is just me wanting to justify myself. In short, my flesh is not content to be an empty sinner, void of anything to commend myself. It wants something more than Christ to show I’m valuable.

But my heart wants to moment by moment cast off all the things that I am trying to find my worth in, and instead turn to God and say (in the words of Mercy Me), “You are to blame for anything that is good in my heart.” Already, I feel peaceful from not expecting to feel good about myself but in looking to Christ for everything. I’ve realized it before but am realizing it again – the Christian life isn’t about becoming a better version of myself. It’s about letting Christ live through me. It’s about recognizing my need – my failures, sins and weaknesses – and instead of trying to make up for them through my own strength and efforts, acknowledging them and looking to Christ for His sufficient grace and asking Him to make His power perfect in my weakness.

That is how I can be content in being a sinner: seeing the reality of my situation, acknowledging that I am nothing and can do nothing myself, and looking to Christ in my nothingness. In doing so, I end up being conformed to the image of Christ without my even trying. Christ is the one who acts. Contentment really is a win-win.

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