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Contentment in ALL circumstances

30 Sep

Sometimes it’s easy for me to read a Bible verse and think of it in only one context. For example, Paul’s famous declaration in Philippians 4 that he has learned in whatever situation he is to be content – because “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Paul is talking about financial provision and material possession here, so I usually think about it in that context. But Paul says whatever situation – all circumstances. That applies to more than financial and material wealth.

As I’ve been seeing my idols and selfishness over the past couple of weeks, I’ve realized that being content in my circumstances would really eradicate a lot of those sins. Take, for example, my sinful need to do what I want to do with my time. If I were content with whatever the Lord allowed in my day, I wouldn’t get frustrated when things didn’t go my way (like I did on Tuesday when I didn’t have access to the internet).

Or take my preoccupation with body image. If I were content with the body I have, I would be able to appreciate my unique beauty and let go of my jealousy of other women. Jealousy is just thinking that other women have something I don’t but something I want to have – in a word, discontentment. If I were content with how I look, I wouldn’t feel the need to count calories, exercise for the purpose of losing weight, constantly critique myself, or compare myself with other women.

And thinking about my life in general – in this season of life, Travis and I are one of the very few young, married couples without kids that we know – anywhere. It can be tempting to be discontent, to think that I’m missing out on experiencing motherhood with all my friends, that being a mother would be more fulfilling than my “career” (if you can call it that).

All of these struggles go back to one thing: thinking that God is holding out on me, that He isn’t giving me what I need to be happy. If I could only have some relaxation time, then I’d be happy. If I could only watch my favorite show, I’d have a good day. If I could only have a flat stomach. If I could only have cute clothes in the latest styles. If I could only feel completely fulfilled with my life. If I could only stop struggling, analyzing, and worrying and just accept things.

My thinking that God is holding out on me is a result of not understanding that these aren’t haphazard details. My life isn’t this way just because it is this way. My life is this way because God planned it this way. He has a reason for everything. He created me to look specifically the way I do. I can try to fight my biology all I want but I will never be truly happy until I accept reality.

Same for when my day doesn’t go the way I want it to. I can either accept the unplanned circumstances, or I can let them make me angry, frustrated and just downright unpleasant to be around. It’s my choice. Am I going to, by faith and the power of the Holy Spirit, choose God’s way or, by flesh and human irrationality, choose my own way? Am I going to choose to be content whatever the situation because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me? Or I am going to wear myself out trying to change the circumstances of my life, which I have no control over?

It took me a while to realize, and accept, that I don’t have control over my circumstances – it’s a very anti-American way of thinking. Manifest Destiny. The American Dream. They all come from the belief that we can do whatever we want with our lives, make ourselves who we want to be. That’s a lie. As the economic crisis is proving, we don’t have control. As the millions of people dying from cancer, disease, and starvation are proving, we don’t have control. We are at the mercy of forces outside of our control. Having control over your life is a mirage.

But we have a God who is in control. And for those who believe in Jesus Christ, we have a God who is on our side. Who fights for us. Who works all things together for our good. Who blesses us abundantly. That is why we can be content whatever our circumstance, why we can find peace in having no control, why we can stop trying to do life on our own.

I can be content in being thin or fat, in being successful or failing, in being childless or a mother, in working or resting, in contributing or withholding, in being stylish or frumpy, in struggling or understanding, in being fulfilled or disappointed. Because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Contentment is not just a reluctant resignation to life as we know it. It’s faith in a sovereign, omniscient, loving God – that this current situation is from Him, controlled by Him, and that He’ll use it for our good. So I am praying for the grace to recognize when my unbelief in the gospel is making me discontent, to repent from it, and to turn to God, finding contentment in His love for me, His sovereign hand working for me, and His presence in my life. Truly He is the only place to be truly content.

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Some much-needed relaxation

28 Sep

I am currently sitting in my room at The Dana of Mission Bay in not-so-sunny-right-now San Diego. Travis is taking a class down here for work and invited me to come along. Stay in California for a week FREE? Heck yeah!

But I’m not doing much to take advantage of my beautiful surroundings today – I ate breakfast with Travis and then spent the morning in bed watching TV. I kept thinking that I should get up and do something but I am utterly exhausted. We had another race this past weekend and working 26 hours in 2 days out in the sun definitely takes a toll. It takes me at least a day of being a bum to feel human again, especially when I don’t have any coffee!! I don’t have a car and our hotel is about a mile from anything – walkable but Travis is concerned about me going anywhere on my own. And actually, I would be totally fine with just bumming around the hotel but my internet connection barely works so I can’t work, can’t watch movies, can’t blog (I’m doing this on my phone, which works but isn’t ideal.) I don’t even have any sunscreen so I can’t lay out much either. Tomorrow I’m going to see if I can drive Travis to his class and then take the car to a coffee shop with free wifi. Then I might go to a book store or shopping.

The ironic part about this is that I always dream about days like this – just getting to lay around, reading, blogging, getting in the word. All the time in the world. But my feeling of guilt over not being productive or making the most of my day makes me realize that I have made productivity an idol. I mean, in reality, I am not being lazy – I am recovering from being legitimately worn out. And its only one day! In fact, I only laid in bed for 4 hours – not even a quarter of a day!

But even so, I find that the way I feel about myself is effected when I feel lazy. I don’t feel as valuable or as lovable. And that means my identity is wrapped up in how much I get done in any particular day, not in Christ alone.

It’s amazing to me how fast my flesh runs to things of this world to justify my existence. It’s not enough that the God of the universe loves me eternally – I need to prove how much I’m worth by being thin, well-dressed, smart, and having everything under control. I need to accomplish things, to do stuff showing I am not just taking up space here. But like any idol, my idol of busyness robs me of my joy and my need for rest. Jesus offers me rest, not more work. Not only that, He devoted an entire day to resting, because He knows we need it. He even rested from His own work after creating the world! So rest is a good thing. And I’m thankful because I really need some! And now its off to time in the word, some reading, and a nap.

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Loving God, Hating Money

21 Sep

I hate money.

I hate earning it, I hate saving it, I hate talking about it, I hate worrying about it.

I guess I do like to spend it.

But that’s not the point.

Travis and I just got into a fight over money. Even though this is supposedly the thing that married couples fight over the most often, Travis and I rarely fight over money. Mostly because I would rather just not think about it. Ignorance is bliss, if you ask me. It works out well for us because Travis is good with money. I am not. I was the girl who overdrafted frequently because I avoided balancing my checkbook like the plague – not because I can’t do math but because even just that simple act caused me anxiety.

So when Travis wants to buy a new gun or fishing gear or a tool, all I ask is if we can afford it. If he says yes, then I say go for it. When I want to go shopping for a new shirt or running apparel, I ask Travis if I can and if so, how much I can spend. When Travis thinks we should refinance our mortgage or open up Roth IRAs, I say “Great! Where do I sign?” This process works for us.

But my new job has caused unexpected animosity between us in regards to money. First, it was because I accepted the job despite the fact I would be getting paid less than what was initially promised. Since I don’t really care about money, I didn’t think it was a big deal. Travis disagreed.

Then, it was because I needed to get a new desk, wanted to redo the office, and had to buy office supplies – out of my own pocket. Reluctantly, Travis gave me a budget and I stayed within it (for the first time ever!)

We’ve fought over me needing a new printer and a shelf in the garage, me driving our own car up to Boulder instead of the company car, me getting paid a pathetic $15 per diem for when I’m traveling.

Tonight, the fight was about me going over our minutes on our cell phone plan (out of our 1,400 shared minutes, Travis used 130 and I used the rest, plus an additional $75 worth) and my working from home necessitating us having internet (since both of us have smart phones, we don’t really need internet at home). Both of these are things that my company should be pay for because they are things I need to do my job. But they don’t. I have asked them about getting more money for my phone (I currently get $30/month) but they refused, saying it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.

Travis’ reaction to all this is frustration at the owners of the company I work for. He feels (rightfully so) that they should be paying for this stuff and since they refuse, he gets angry. And when he’s riled up enough, he comes to me and tells me things need to change.

My reaction? Anger, right back. “What are my options?” I scream/ask. “I need these things to do my job. If they refuse to pay for these things, I have two options: I can put up with it or I can quit. Do you want me to quit?”

If you’ve followed my blog for any of the past few weeks, you know that this is not the first time or reason why I have contemplated quitting my job. And when my job causes this kind of friction and frustration between me and Travis, I can’t help but think “WHY do I have this job again?”

When Travis is upset about money in regards to my job, I can’t help but feel like the bad guy because if it weren’t for me, the one with the job, we wouldn’t be having these problems. And that makes me hate money even more – when I should really be hating Satan because I know these fights are exactly what he wants. Satan wants this to drive us apart. Satan wants this to take our eyes off God and wonder why He allows this kind of injustice to happen to us. Satan wants me to doubt God’s leading me into this job and wonder if maybe I made a mistake leaving Dare 2 Share and should look for a new job. Most of all, Satan wants to destroy our faith.

There are practical steps to be taken with this situation – I have already emailed my boss D about getting the company Vonage phone for my use, since she doesn’t use it and I really could. I downloaded an app to my phone that will allow me to tether it to my computer, turning my phone into its own hot spot, in the hopes that we will be able to cancel our internet service and save that $40 a month.

But the biggest step to take is faith. It’s running to the Father in prayer, asking for His wisdom to guide us, for His provision in our lives, and for His mighty hand to work this situation out for our good, as trite as it may seem in contrast to the big picture. So I will run, I will ask, and I will rest.

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It’s all about me, right?

12 Sep

You know how when God opens your eyes to a spiritual truth that you see evidence proving it everywhere you look? Things that you once glanced over indifferently you know see as a treasure justifying what you have been learning from God.

Well, that thing right now for me is my selfishness. It’s like the blinders have been removed my eyes and I can finally see how utterly, completely, totally selfish I am. My self-centeredness seeps into every corner, every interaction, every detail, every thought, every attitude, every choice. When I find I’ve lost my peace, I just have to ask “What am I wanting now that I ‘m not getting?” and I have the source of my angst.

And all I have to say to this selfishness is:

WOW.

It’s scary. Horrible. Nasty. Ugly. Revolting. Diabolical. Evil. Heinous. Vengeful. Angry. Bitter.

In the sermon at church today, the pastor was preaching on Phil 4:11-13 where Paul talks about his secret to contentment. The pastor said that the reason why we become discontent is because we think “I don’t have what I deserve.” And that is exactly the reason why I am so self-centered.

I’m not getting what I want, what I think I deserve. I deserve peace and quiet, time to do what I want. I deserve to park my car in the garage and not on the street. I deserve to go to bed early and not be disturbed when Travis comes to bed. I deserve to read without being interrupted. I deserve to watch the program I want to watch on TV. I deserve to pick the movie. I deserve. I deserve. I deserve.

WOW.

What amazes me most about my selfishness is that I was mostly unaware of it until Travis called me out on it. And while my immediate reaction to his rebuke was “I don’t care if my words hurt you – you’re just being a big baby,” God’s grace to me in that moment allowed me to not only keep my mouth from saying that, but also to step back and look at my behavior. What I saw made me want to run and hide. It made me want to sit in the corner and cry. It made me want to throw my arms up in defeat. But again, God’s grace gave me the strength to apologize to Travis and humble myself.

My selfishness continues to rear its ugly head around every bend but now I can see it for what it is. I can see that it’s me trying to live out my own agenda, trying to get what I think I deserve, and mowing down anyone who gets in my way. And I can repent from that natural tendency and choose to live for God’s will and not my own. I can choose obedience over desire.

Just this afternoon, Travis asked me to help vacuum-seal his antelope meat. I REALLY did not want to help (after all, he’s the one who wanted to go hunting, right? Let him do all the work!) but God has called me to serve my husband. So I am helping. Perhaps not with the world’s best attitude but I’m a work in progress, what can I say?

While it’s hard to be confronted with one’s sinfulness and utter depravity, it is also a huge blessing. God disciplines those He loves – He doesn’t abandon us to our own devices and allow us to live out every whim. He intervenes, convicts, and transforms. I’m so thankful He does!! Only God knows what I’d be if He didn’t.

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Ugly unbelief

9 Sep

Unbelief is an ugly thing.

My blog post yesterday is some pretty convincing evidence of that statement. Just writing that post made me depressed and discouraged – I can’t imagine what it’s like reading it!!

But instead of deleting it as the insane rantings of an emotionally unhinged lunatic, I am leaving it. This is real evidence of the struggle with unbelief, a struggle which everyone has, to some extent, every day. I just show what happens when you let it spiral out of control.

I woke up today planning to run 15 miles but since our race this weekend has been cancelled due to the Fourmile Canyon fire (and I really didn’t feel like running that much today), I decided to do that run on Saturday, when I will be better rested and can take a nap afterwards. So instead of lacing up my running shoes at 6:30, I cracked open Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest.

This is what I read: “A river is victoriously persistent, overcoming all barriers… [Has] an obstacle come into your life and you do not seem to be of any use to God? Then keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you around the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never focus your eyes on the obstacle or the difficulty. The obstacle will be a matter of total indifference to the river that will flow steadily through you if you will simply remember to stay focused on the Source. Never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ – not emotion or experience – nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

This is why I love reading Oswald Chambers. So often, his devotions are exactly what I needed to hear. I have been so focused on my problems that I’ve been saying “See how big my problems are?!?! How can God possibly help me with this?” When in reality, I was the one being the problem and God was the only answer.

After a little bit more rational pondering (and no doubt some inspiration from the Holy Spirit), I have realized that I am contributing to this problem of my job more than I was aware. There are 3 main issues:

1. Working from home has definite benefits – I love the flexibility. But it’s that very flexibility that has made me subconsciously feel like a slacker all the time and resulted in a huge burden of guilt. I don’t feel like I am giving a wholehearted effort in my job – I’m doing just enough to get by. That feeling, though subtle, has been wearing on me. And I think, in this instance, that guilt is a good indication that I am not glorifying God in my work ethic right now.

2. I also have been overwhelmed by feelings of not being able to do all the things that I would like to do – and I blame it on work. I think this feeling goes along with any commitment, since naturally, by doing one thing, you eliminate the possibility of doing another thing at the same time. So instead of letting this limitation breed discontentment, I am memorizing the verse, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). God has commanded that I focus on the positive things (Philippians 4:8) and be content (Philippians 4:11).

3. Last but certainly not least, I have been very fearful in my job. The modern term is “stressed out” but I’m pretty sure that’s just a fancy way of saying I’m scared. I’m scared about failing (volunteer coordination) and scared about what other people think about me (getting new timing clients). Instead of looking to God and saying “This I know, that God is for me… what can man do to me?”, I have been saying “I can’t handle this!!” These realizations seems so obvious that I feel a little sheepish for my previous blog rant. But that is the effect of unbelief – you can’t think rationally, you believe sinful emotions instead of the truth, and rely on your own very limited understanding.

So in response to these 3 issues, I’m going to take some practical and spiritual action:

With God’s help, I am going to maintain a more intentional work schedule. Instead of working just whenever, I’m going to try to sit down around the same time every day and work for a particular duration – say 9 to 4. I am also going to start keeping track of the hours I work so I will know whether my guilt is sinful (letting my actions dictate how much I’m worth) or godly (I am not glorifying God by being a hearty worker).

I am going to prioritize my non-work time. The things I really want to make a priority are, in no particular order: running (the marathon is only 2 months away!), getting in the Word, praying, reading, cooking healthy food (not frozen pizzas!), and blogging. I need to be intentional about not getting sucked into mindless TV – though I do still hope to watch my favorite shows, like Bones and Desperate Housewives. But that will come second to my other, higher priorities.

And when I feel fearful about failure or human approval, I need to run to God. I need to remind myself of the revelant truth that He loves me and nothing I do or don’t do can change that. And because He loves me, I can trust Him. Just like with sanctification, I am responsible for the practical, everyday matters but He is in charge of the final product. I am called to be faithful in my job, but He is the one who makes me succeed. “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8). I can trust God with the outcome of my job.

Yet again, I am so incredibly thankful that God is who He is – faithful, enduring, patient, loving, gracious. I am ashamed of my unbelieving behavior over the past week and a half and yet, I can come into God’s presence through prayer as if nothing ever happened. That is amazing.

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him, for God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).

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My wonderful husband

20 Aug

Marriage is like life. There are times when everything is falling apart around you and you feel like you can’t take even just one more step or your entire life might implode. Then there are times when everything is going right. You feel at peace with the world, you enjoy little things that you usually don’t notice, and you feel like your life is better than you deserve.

Right now, I’m in one of those happy times with Travis. Marriage hasn’t always been coming-up-roses. There have been hard times when I wondered WHY is marriage so HARD? There have been times when I really couldn’t handle being in the same room as the man I married. There have been countless times when I have broken down in a fit of sobs because I so fail to be the wife I want to be.

And while I still have not attained to being the wife I want to be, I have to praise the Lord for what our marriage is. Travis has been so amazing to me in the past couple of months that I am just in awe of the man I married. He cooks me dinner when I get home utterly exhausted from a long work trip. He buys me flowers just because he knows I like them. He cleans the house and does laundry when I don’t have the time. He tells me he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife (even if I don’t *quite* believe that last part). He supports my interests and hobbies. He doesn’t get mad when I cook tofu for dinner instead of steak.

In short, he is just absolutely incredible.

When Travis and I first started dating, I remember feeling amazed at who Travis was. How he treated me with respect and love, how he went out of his way to make me feel special, how his character remained solid even in the face of temptation and badgering. I felt so blessed by God because Travis truly was everything I had wanted in a man – so much so that I really hadn’t thought a man like Travis even existed. But he did.

But despite it being Travis doing all the sweet, thoughtful things for me, I know that our marriage is God’s work. It is God who has been our hope during the hard times, softened our hearts when we wanted so much to be spiteful, kept our commitment to one another firm when it seemed like we were so at odds, given us love for one another when our hearts felt dry and barren. God has given us so much and I can honestly say that I don’t know how couples make it in marriage without God. And not just believing that God exists but calling upon His strength and wellsprings of love day after day, week after week.

Because of God’s grace, I am committed to Travis until death do us part. I am committed to supporting and loving him, to encouraging and respecting him, for our entire lives together. But when I feel so in love with Travis like I do now, when his smile gives me butterflies, his touch comforts me, and his thoughtfulness melts my heart, I feel God pouring so much of His grace into my lap that it is overflowing and covering the floor. I feel God’s work in my life, creating these emotions that my stone-hearted person of flesh doesn’t have naturally. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve Travis. I don’t deserve redemption or eternal life. But that’s the kind of God we have – the kind who gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything back. The kind who gives the most at the times when we are the least deserving.

Before Travis and I were engaged, I struggled a lot with believing that God could bless me through a man. My only experience with guys had been heartbreak and disappointment. But God has proven over and over that He can indeed bless me through whatever means He wants – and I praise Him that He has chosen one of those ways to be my husband.

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Fighting against self-righteousness

16 Aug

“He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt:

‘Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted'” (Luke 18:9-14).

One of my co-workers is a Christian and while she goes to church on a regular basis, she doesn’t read the Bible much, doesn’t know much about what the Bible says on specific things, and doesn’t seem to care about changing that. She also has a perpetually bad attitude, complains a lot, and has a tendency to focus on the worst in people.

I have found myself passing judgment on her, thinking that at least I try to have a godly attitude, I make Christian fellowship a priority, and I know more about the Bible and theology because I read the Bible and was very involved in a college ministry.

I know this tendency of mine is a sin. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else? And even if I am “better,” it is solely by the grace of God. Before I was a Christian, I had no morals, no ethics, and no standards. I did whatever I wanted, regardless of the consequences to others, as long as I came out pretty well off. Any action I do now that takes others into consideration is evidence of the Spirit working in me.

But this struggle reveals something about my condition. It is the same reason why it’s so tempting to tell non-Christians stories about what a rebel I was before I became a Christian. The reason why I want to be skinnier and prettier than other women. The reason why I need to be successful in my job. 

I want to prove my worth.

I want to show others that I have something to offer, that I matter, that I am to be envied. My flesh does not think it is not enough to be loved by God, to be saved by Christ, to be validated by the One who sets the ultimate standards. I want my worth to be about me.

But I’m glad that it’s not about me, no matter how misled and lost I am about what is really important. If it were about me, I could never be sure of my real worth because everything would be relative. Who can define beauty? Who can define success? Who can define truly living? Humans try but without an objective truth, everything becomes subjective and nothing is for sure. Only God can define those things.

And only God can judge other people. My co-worker’s relationship with God is just that – her relationship with God. It’s between her and God. I cannot hold her up to a standard that I cannot attain myself. Without the Holy Spirit, neither of us are anything. But with God, all things are possible.

So instead of judging her and setting myself on a pedestal because “at least I’m seeking to know God,” I should pray for her. I should ask God to make Himself ever more real and lovely in her life, so that she desires to know Him more. I should ask Him to change her attitude, to give her the grace to give thanks always, to soften her heart in repentance, to help her focus on what really matters.

And while I’m at it, I should pray those things for myself as well.

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Silent Sunday

26 Jul

Yesterday, I did something I had been thinking about doing for a while: observing a silent Sunday – no radio, no TV, no phone, no computer. (I did use my phone to call my mom however – but I think that’s an acceptable exception.)

I first noticed a difference when driving to church. My instinct was to mute out the silence by turning on the radio in the car. But I decided not to. I actually enjoy driving in silence.

Then I noticed when I got home from church and made lunch. Normally, I would turn the TV on for just a bit while eating lunch. But I enjoyed my meal instead.

Then after running errands, I again felt the urge to plop in front of the TV and just veg for a while. I instead read my book about marathon running and took an hour-long nap.

After my nap, it was time for a run. When I got back from that, I did some strength training and it was SO tempting to turn the TV on to distract me from the tedious task of situps, pushups, and squats. But I didn’t. I forged through distractionless and when I was done, I took a shower, made dinner, called my mom and then went to bed, where I read my book for another hour.

While I don’t know if I feel more peaceful without all the noise and distraction, I do know that I accomplished a heck of a lot more yesterday! TV has a way of sucking you and stealing your time. Just the fact that I thought about turning the TV on so many times throughout the day shows me that I watch TV way too much.

So I’m going to start a habit of this – one day a week of no technology (unless it’s talking on the phone to family and friends). Sunday seems like a great day for this, unless I’m driving home from a work trip – then music in the car is a NECESSITY and I’ll have to make it Silent Monday, although the alliteration makes Sunday more fun.

What will Travis have to say about this? I’m going to kindly ask (and nudge) that he does it with me for at least a couple of weeks. If at that point, he just can’t stand it, he can do whatever he wants as long as I don’t hear it or get sucked into it.

I really hope that I do end up more peaceful as a result of this – and that maybe I’ll end up with Silent Weeks (as least as far as the radio and TV are concerned.) 😉

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Good to be home

19 Jul

I just got back yesterday from being gone on a work trip for 10 days. We were in Middle-of-Nowhere, Utah, the whole time. I actually kind of enjoyed being out in the country but I was – am – SO ready to be home.

The thing I’m looking forward to the most about being home is being able to spend time with the Lord again. I know I could do it somewhat while I’m on the road but since I share a hotel room, I don’t get any alone time. And toward the end of the week (Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun), I am so busy and exhausted that I go to bed right when I get back and get up with just enough time to leave when we need to (even then I usually only get 3-5 hours of sleep). It’s intense, to say the least.

So today, I am taking the day off. I am blogging, Facebooking, and getting in the Word this morning with my first cup of coffee in 10 days!! (I am so picky about my coffee that I hardly ever drink it on the road – although I did have 2 lattes while we were gone.) Then, at 10:30, I’m getting a full body massage to work out the knots starting to form in my upper back from lifting so much heavy equipment. After that, I’ll take a shower and eat lunch with Travis. Then, this afternoon, I’m starting my first day of volunteering in the office at my church. That’s from 2-5 pm, after which I’ll come home, make supper, call my mom and 2 of my brothers, and hopefully still have time to paint my toenails. It’s a busy day but a fun one!

Tomorrow, it’s back to the grind BUT this is my last timing event of the 2010 triathlon season – meaning I’ll be traveling for work. I’m taking volunteer coordination back on but it shouldn’t be too bad, since the bulk of my job over the past 2 months will no longer be the bulk of my job (I’ll still be timing our own races).

It’s funny – even though I won’t be traveling for work the last weekend of July and the last 2 weekends of August, we’re planning on going to Yellowstone, Boulder (which is pretty close relatively), and into the mountains to camp. But it’s going to be the FUN kind of road trip!! Can’t wait!

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Just Do Something

28 Jun

The sermon at church yesterday was a very good one – we are starting to go through the book of Colossians and Glynn (our pastor) emphasized the importance of truth in the Christian life. Without truth, our faith and hope are unfounded. We need the truth of Christ to ground us.

Some of the notes I took were:

“We can’t walk in the newness of life without being rooted and grounded in Christ.”

“We’re called to grow and bear fruit. Fruit comes from knowing Christ.”

“All we have in Christ is all we need to grow and bear fruit.”

While I wholeheartedly agree with those statements, I find myself struggling with them. I have returned yet again to my struggle of feeling like I live my life for myself and that the daily activities I engage in are pointless and futile. If God is the one who does the growing, then why am I stuck in this indecision about what I should be doing with my life?

I hate to say it but I feel like the statements I wrote down above are elementary and surface-deep. They don’t explain HOW. They state these truths of the Christian faith like it were easy to figure out how the work of the Spirit actually happens.

We had a “family meeting” at the church last night about who we are and where we’re going. A guy stood up and told a story about a co-worker who had been in need and his care group stepped up to help him out. The first thing he said after the congregation got done clapping (our church claps for everything) was “It wasn’t me. It was all God.”

Statements like that also puzzle me. I think, “Really? All God? But you’re the one who told your care group about this guy’s need and your care group provided for the guy.”

It is obvious that I am hung up on the practical side of God’s grace working in a believer’s life.

Then tonight, as I was sitting at the kitchen table reviewing my notes from the sermon, something hit me. The Christian life is lived from the heart – God is in the business of change from the inside out. It would go to reason, then, that the way God inspires action in a person’s life is by changing their heart. What they once valued no longer holds appeal and what they once would have never even thought of doing is now captivating. We are called to be faithful to the convictions and notions God puts into our hearts.

In my case, I have long been convicted, as I mentioned above, that I live for myself and should be more giving of my time. So I think I should volunteer somewhere. But there are so many good causes I could get involved with, I have a hard time deciding which one to do – which is God’s will for me? I could get involved with Habitat for Humanity or the Denver Rescue Mission or tutoring underprivileged kids or collecting shoes for kids in Africa or stuffing envelopes for Blood Water Mission. I have sat at this crossroads of indecision for almost a whole year. My convictions haven’t gone away.

I realize now that I just need to choose. God’s will isn’t about circumstances – it’s about heart attitude and about being obedient and faithful to the convictions that God lays on my heart.

Two different opportunities were brought to my attention in the past month or so – one just last night. One is volunteering with Life Choices Pregnancy Center. I had wanted to volunteer there when I still worked at D2S but couldn’t because they were only open during business hours, when I had to be at work. But now that I work fro m home and can create my own hours, I think it would work out. The other opportunity is volunteering in the church office. I have already contacted the office administrator about this because it would be a great way to serve in the church again (I had to quit children’s ministry when I got my new job), I would meet more people at the church, and I would be donating my time to a worthy cause.

There’s a book I’m really excited to read – I just ordered it today – called Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God’s Will OR How to Make a Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing in the Sky, etc. I have so long been looking for a Christian book that would at least slightly validate what I’ve been going through and bring some more clarity to this situation (though I do feel like I just got some today) – I hope this book helps.

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