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Torn.

28 Jan

Yesterday after work, while I was making some scrambled eggs and toast for dinner (my go-to when I do NOT feel like cooking dinner), Travis innocently asked me if I had looked for jobs at all.

I shot him a dirty look and said “No, I haven’t.” I then elaborated, “I don’t need a new job because things at work are picking up and I have stuff to do. Last week wasn’t bad.” 

“Well, all I know is that you flip-flop between liking your job and thinking you should look for a new job. You go back and forth. And looking for a new job doesn’t mean you’ll actually take one. Looking doesn’t hurt anything.”

I was frustrated. Though they are unfounded and over-the-top, thoughts like these were going through my head: 

“How dare he suggest that I should get a new job?”

“Why does it matter if I look for a new one?”

“The kind of job I want [journalist] isn’t a great field to be going into right now anyway.”

“I just need to see my current job through. Things are looking up. I have great opportunities there.”

And it’s true. Talking to my boss, I think that I have real opportunities here. He’s talked about me getting to write more for product and marketing pieces. He’s talked about me getting more involved in the creative design and strategy.

But right now, that’s all it is. Talk. None of these promised responsibilities have appeared and as a result, my motivation and interest in what I’m doing here has dropped below zero. I am a person who thrives on being challenged, on balancing a schedule, on being just a bit too busy. I can’t handle idleness…when I’m idle, even getting up to go to the bathroom seems like too much work. The more idle I am, the lazier I get. Not good.

So today, when I was just at the point of either going home sick or stuffing my face with the delicious dinner rolls sitting in the kitchen, I went outside. I walked around our building and across the street to the gas station for some gum (my new fave: Mint Mojito by Orbit). I walked back, the long way around, pondering.

Maybe I should look for another job. I’m obviously not operating out of my strengths right now. Let’s be honest, I’m not really operating anything right now. Sometimes I feel like I should wait it out, that the changes are still being made and plans are being finalized–maybe things will get better. Other times, though, I feel like I can’t take another day of this. Writing marketing copy is ok…but it isn’t my passion. It isn’t something that makes me say “I was born to do this.” And D2S isn’t known for its quick changes. Simple decisions have been known to take days, weeks…sometimes even months.

For the first time, I realize that I should be praying about what God wants me to do. I have been making this all about me, even in a way that appears religious. I thought, “I don’t want my reason for quitting to be that I’m not trusting the Lord.” But in the same way, I don’t want to stay because I’m not trusting the Lord. Whether I stay or go, it should be from faith. Faith that the Lord has a plan for my life and that nothing I do can thwart it. Faith that God has created me for a specific purpose and that He desires for me to use my gifts for His glory and the encouragement of His people.

Too often I confuse meditation with prayer. I think about things and consult the Bible, but I don’t consult God Himself. Despite my desire that my decisions honor God and show His significance in my life, I so often act independently and according to my own judgment and wisdom. No wonder I feel lost! So instead of immediately starting to browse job listings, I will fall on my knees before the Father and ask for Him to guide me, through the Holy Spirit, to where He wants me to be. 

And if He wants me to be right where I am, Amen.

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A Scared Excitement

24 Jan

I’m sitting at Panera right now (I puffy heart Panera). Although I forgot how crazy Saturday mornings are here. I did manage to finagle a table near an outlet (my laptop is so old–7 years to be exact–that I need to plug it in for it to turn on…the battery needs to be replaced again but Travis and I are probably going to buy a new computer anyway).

I’m here for my 2nd day of writing. The first day (last Tuesday) went ok. I just stayed at home and hooked my computer up in the kitchen. I wrote for about an hour and then got sidetracked reading my diary from the time I studied abroad in Venezuela–when I became a Christian. It’s very interesting. But after reading my diary for a while, I got bored and started to get a sore throat so I copped out.

But I’m excited to write and after pondering (and re-writing) my memoir for a couple years now, I think I know how I want to tell the story. I don’t want it to be like your typical book written by a Christian woman (not that they’re bad…there’s just so many of them!!) I want it to be more like literary non-fiction. I want to show the story, not tell it. I want to walk through the experiences with my reader, instead of just recalling them. And I don’t want to explicitly analyze what happened and what I realized. Rather, I want to reveal it, let the reader see a few glimpses here and there, make them piece the story together as they read (though I can’t do that too much or else the meaning will be lost entirely).

Writing my memoir feels a lot like training for a race. Running makes me anxious with anticipation: I want to either run a certain distance or at a certain pace and am not sure if I’ll be able to do it. So I feel scared. But there’s also a real possibility that I’ll be able to pull it off. So I’m also excited.

That’s how I feel about writing. I want it to be good, to flow, to come together in the way that I imagine it in my head. But I’m not sure that I’ll be able to do it; so I’m a little anxious about writing (which has resulted in me avoiding it altogether…until now). I’m also excited because of the possibilities. I have a story to tell. I have thoughts to communicate.

Paul says in Acts 20:24, “But I do not consider my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.”

That’s how I view my desire to write about how God drew me to Himself–I want to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. And really, that is every Christian’s purpose. We are all to testify to the gospel, through our words, actions, and lives. We just do it in different ways.

Writing is my way.

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Pathetic little cold.

22 Jan

I think I’m getting sick. On Tuesday night, I started to get a sore throat. Yesterday my nose started to stuff up just slightly. Today was pretty much par until tonight when I got a headache and feel exhausted. I’m thinking that maybe aerobics tomorrow morning is out of the question (Fridays are tough so I have to be on top of my game to survive!)

I told my women’s group tonight that I’ve been asking God to either make me better or make me sick enough that I can justify staying home from work. 🙂 Then I could watch House all day long.

Glorious.

But then I realize I would only enjoy it for about 2 hours before wishing I was just better already. I am too active a person to lay on the couch all day long. Even back in July when we were just moving into our house and I went to the ER from work because I was having trouble breathing and my chest had stabbing pains (turned out I suffer from acid reflux!), I still helped paint the walls and trim and move our stuff the next day (never mind the fact that I couldn’t sleep at night because it hurt to lay down and I couldn’t bend over because it caused stabbing pains.) I’m tough.

But when it comes to work, let’s just be honest. Everyone needs a good sick day now and again. I mean, no one wishes for any serious illness of course. But a wimpy, day-long cold every now and then? Bring it on.

Then there’s the kind of cold I have–enough to wear me out but not enough to knock me out. In short, just annoying. Boo.

Ok, well I’m going to go to bed now in case I do feel well enough to go to aerobics. And if I don’t, I really hope I don’t feel well enough to go to work either. 🙂 Hey, it’s Friday. Can’t I dream a little?

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Chocolate Sunday

19 Jan

After gorging ourselves silly on cookies, cakes, bars, and fudge over the Christmas holiday, Travis and I decided to limit our sweets intake to one day a week–Sunday. The first week was rough. I craved chocolate, candy, and ice cream just about every waking moment (but thankfully, I did not dream about it). The 2nd week was better. Last week was no problem. I can handle this no-sweets-until-Sunday thing.

That is, until Sunday. I tried to tell myself that just because I was allowed to eat chocolate, didn’t mean I had to.

I didn’t listen.

I blame Saturday. It got me on the wrong track. For some strange reason, I was absolutely starving on Saturday. I had eaten 1,000 calories well before noon. Finally, we got out of the house and went ice skating on a frozen lake up in Evergreen, CO. I am surprisingly a very good ice skater, considering I’ve ice skated probably 3 times in the past 4 years. Travis and I hit the hockey puck around for about an hour and then my toes had frozen so we left.

We had dinner at One World Cafe, on Charlie’s recommendation (Trav’s boss). I had a glass of Riesling on a how-in-the-world-could-it-possibly-be-empty-considering-all-the-food-you’ve-eaten-today stomach–meaning it gave me a little buzz. So after dinner, we mosied next door to Cactus Jack’s, a bar full of rough middle-aged mountain folk and a handful of no-good college students. I had 2 vodka cranberries and a basket of fries while Travis shot antelope and zebras on Big Buck Hunter. After about 30 minutes, Trav’s boss, Charlie, and his wife, Karen, showed up so we hung out with them for a while.

If you haven’t guessed, that basket of fries was totally uncalled for. And 1 glass of wine + 2 vodka cranberries is more than enough booze to get me slightly drunk (I am a total lightweight). So I woke up Sunday morning swearing off hard liquor (darn vodka!) and greasy foods.

Oh, but my delicious chocolate was conveniently exempt from those 2 categories.

After a sensible breakfast of Cherrios with a sliced banana and 1% milk (and possibly a coffee topped with about 4 inches of fat-free Cool whip), we went to church. After church, we went to Walmart, where I proceeded to buy my absolute favorite Easter candy: a Reese’s peanut butter egg. They are delicious. I decided to share the egg with Travis so that I wouldn’t feel SO guilty about eating the 180-cal egg-shaped bundle of chocolatey, peanut buttery goodness. There was one little chunk left and I was going to let Travis have it. At the same moment that I held it out to him, he grabbed the gum out of his mouth and flung it in my direction into a garbage can…

…effectively hitting my hand so that the Reese’s chunk flew up into the air and then down onto the Walmart parking lot.

I stood there making a pouty face for about 30 seconds before I deftly picked the chunk up and popped it into my mouth. Hey–I wasn’t about to let it go to waste!

Travis later told me that when he saw me do that, he realized how desperate I was for chocolate and knew that there was no hope for me.

I finished what I started by eating a minty chocolate layered bar, a chocolate-covered peanut butter ball, and 2 heaping bowls of Moose Tracks ice cream.

It was a quite a feat, I tell ya. I mean, not everyone can eat an entire day’s worth of calories in CHOCOLATE (although I’m willing to bet that any female could!)

It makes me wonder if I’m really benefitting from this whole sweets-only-on-Sundays plan or if it’s just turning me into a chocolate craving maniac? I guess we’ll find out next Sunday… 🙂

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Clarity and Hope

17 Jan

I’ve been wanting to blog for the past couple of days but I’ve been [shocker] busy at work and [bigger shocker] busy outside of work this week. So here I am on a nice little Saturday, taking time to read the Bible, pray, and blog.

[Side note/Update: My resolutions for this year are going well. I did create a little reward system for meeting my goals each week and so far, I’ve been doing really well. The hardest thing has been to exercise 6 days a week (my body isn’t used to it) but other than that, I have been consistent in getting in the Word and praying daily as well as memorizing one verse a week. We won’t talk about eating… 🙂 I’m not expecting complete consistency there.]

Saturdays are my favorite day of the week. That’s why I would love to be a writer by vocation: every day could be a Saturday (except Sunday because I’d still have to go to church in the morning). But I love being able to get up early (today I got up at 7:30…I’ve been trying to get up relatively close to when I get up for work so that I don’t mess up my sleep cycle on the weekends) and eat breakfast, read the Bible, pray…just be very relaxed. It reminds me a lot of college. Every day was like this…I loved it back then too.

Anywho…can you tell I’m more upbeat today than I have been in some of my recent posts? (I was being a total Debbie Downer…but I was also being honest.) The reason for my mood/outlook change is that God has been faithful in giving me insight into the past few months.

I was living in my failures and sinfulness. Even though I “knew” I was forgiven, I was still carrying them around as my personal burden. Especially in my marriage. I saw my sin affecting Travis and I was terrified that I was going to ruin our marriage, drive him away–that’d we’d wake up one day in 15 years and realize we no longer knew each other at all…and that we’d be able to trace it back to something I did or said that set the ball in motion.

I was also hating myself. For sinning again and again. For (from my perspective) never learning or advancing. For being a coward and a hypocrite.

But this past week, I remembered that there are many stories in the Bible that depict God using sin or using people in spite of their sin to accomplish His purposes. That means I can’t thwart God’s will or purposes by my sin. That means He can make our marriage thrive even despite my constant threats to kill it. I was making my sin and failures all about me…when nothing is all about me. It’s all about Him. And HE is so much BIGGER than my sin. Who am I to think that my failures will deter Him from His will?

I also realized that I have been holding myself back from God. I felt like a failure and a pathetic sinner who would never learn. When reminded of God’s love,  a tiny voice inside me said, “Yeah but, I’m still doing X and struggling with Y. God’s love is great but first I want to stop doing all these things that I hate.” Silly girl, it’s God’s love that enables you stop doing all those things you hate.

BarlowGirl’s song “I Need You to Love Me” sums up my realizations well:

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.
Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.

My favorite line of that song is “Cause you’re a God who has all things, and still you want me.” Me, a sinner. Me, a girl trapped in self-pity. Me, an unremarkable person. You want me. You want me. You want me. How powerful each of those 3 little words is.

I have also been reading “God Has a Dream for Your Life” by Sheila Walsh. It’s a good book. Very easy reading. There are 2 passages that stand out to me regarding the whole questioning-life-and-purpose thing I’ve been going through for the past 6 months or so.

On discovering who I am and what God’s will for me is:

“So what are we to make of this God-given promise that if we delight ourselves in him, he will give us the desires of our heart? I love what C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity: ‘Your real self will not come as long as we are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him.’

“My own journey has taken me away from trying so hard to find the will of God for my life. It has taken me to the place of brokenness and letting go of everything I thought I needed. I found peace and purpose as I lay exhausted at the feet of the Lion of Judah. It took me many years to understand that God wanted my heart, not my schedule.”

God wants my heart, not my fine-tuned plans for aiding His kingdom. He wants me to be who I really am in Christ, not try to be someone I’m not.

On my desire to write but feeling it’s prideful to want to do so:

“Don’t turn your light down just because it seems to burn brighter than the one who stands beside you. Let it shine and hold it high. The liberating truth is that none of this is about you anyway–it is all about God. If God has given you a voice to sing, then sing out for him. If God has given you the gift of mercy, then pour out that mercy in Jesus’ name whether anyone gets it or not. If God has given you a heart to serve, then serve with your whole heart even if no one stops to say thank you. If God has given you the ability to teach, then teach with vision and passion.

“Whatever God has placed in you, use it.”

I’m planning on starting my weekly writing retreats (to Panera, Starbuck’s, or a cute local coffee shop if I find one) this week on Tuesday. I have a lot of books on writing to read, old journals to review, and a long way to go. But it’s my dream and I’m going to pursue until God slams the door in my face. At least I’ll know that I have been faithful in using the gifts God has given me.

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Gulp.

7 Jan

I found out Monday afternoon that, in addition to Mandee leaving for grad school, the other Mandy is leaving in March to help out with her husband’s company. So the people left in MarComm are me and…me.

Gulp.

Tristan is the only other person technically part of the MarComm department but he doesn’t help with mailings, advertising, PR, tradeshows, partnerships, strategy, etc.–in short, all the things that are now on my plate (and my boss’ too).

“Well at least you have job security,” Mandy said.

I guess…

I’m trying to not freak out; really, I am. I’m trying to trust the Lord with it  and believe that I can learn the ins and outs of PR and advertising in a month and a half. I can handle this.

I’m still freaking out a little. I mean, I’m in the department alone. Me. I AM the Marketing Dept. I feel overwhelmed and underprepared. I am daunted by the tasks ahead. But I’ve been reminding myself of Philippians 4:13–“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” So with the Lord’s help, I can get through this season.

But still, a little voice says…

Gulp.

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Compelled to be grateful

5 Jan

For the past several months, the non-profit ministry I work at, Dare 2 Share Ministries, has been struggling financially. We’ve watched our donations and conference registrations significantly go down…and stay down. To stay afloat, we stopped buying kitchen supplies, eliminated 2 conference cities, permanently cut the not-absolutely-necessary spending from our budget, and prayed earnestly for God to provide for our ministry. In the course of 6 months, about 12 people left on their own accord to pursue other opportunities, which, by God’s grace, prevented today’s events from happening any sooner

But the lagging economy and lack of donations caught up with us…4 people were laid off today. They determined it according to which jobs could be absorbed the easiest.

I can’t help but thinking that my job would be eliminated if I weren’t the only full-time person left in the Marketing dept (besides our web guy, but he just does web). As I sat there thinking about how it would feel to have the rug pulled out from under you like this, to have a family to support, to try to find a job in this economy, I felt amazingly grateful and relieved that I still have my job. Then the guilt set in: how can I sit at my desk, not doing work (because there isn’t any!), when 4 people from the ministry no longer have a job? How can I do that?

I can’t. I have to find work to do and be productive with my time. It’s frustrating at time because I think of the things that I could change or create or do and then realize that I’d have to get approval, jump through hoops, sign paperwork, etc just to make it happen. I feel trapped at times, like I can’t make any professional decisions without asking permission from my superior. But such is life and that can’t be my excuse keeping me from working as if I’m working for the Lord and not for man.

As my team and I were praying this morning for those who were laid off, I pondered my surge of gratitude and how it illustrates the gospel. I really feel like I don’t deserve to keep my job; I don’t feel like I’ve been “earning my keep” so to speak. So I feel incredibly fortunate and blessed to still have it–like I’ve been spared something awful. It puts into sharp clarity the kind of gratitude I should constantly feel as a result of the gospel. All of my words and deeds were setting me up for an eternity in hell–that was what I deserved. Instead, I received eternal life through absolutely no accomplishment or merit of my own. I have been ultimately spared. And just as I feel my gratitude at still having a job overflow into a desire to be productive and useful, so should my gratitude at being spared from hell overflow into a desire to make my life meaningful and to live it for Jesus and what brings Him glory.

I love seeing everyday events frame the gospel in an eye-opening way. My heart grows so insensitive and cold to the amazing truth of the gospel that I become cynical and unbelieving. I ask “Why should this matter to me?” instead of “Why would God choose me?” I am humbled. I am blessed. And I feel like God has proverbially hit me on the nose and told me to pay attention to what has been so graciously and undeservedly given to me. Thanks for the wakeup call God.

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Let’s try this again…

3 Jan

Several months ago, I created a daily plan for the spiritual and physical disciplines. It was great for a little while but ultimately, it fizzled out.

This is one of my biggest personal tug-of-wars: I would love to be disciplined. I envy those who are. I try to be disciplined. I create schedules and plans and task lists. But my personality just isn’t disciplined. I don’t naturally lean toward rules, structure, plans. What usually ends up happening is that my spontaneity and “what I want to do” in that moment trumps whatever I had “planned on doing.”

But doggoneit, I’m going to try it again, as one of my New Year’s Goals is to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. This time around, I’m going to be more realistic than ambitious. I won’t bore you with the minute details but this is the summary of my spiritual plan:

  • Read the Bible and journal my thoughts/observations everyday (I am going to go through all of the epistles, starting with Romans).
  • Pray everyday.
  • Memorize one verse a week (and recite them on Sunday morning).
  • Listen to one sermon a week (not including church on Sunday).

I think that that plan is doable. And let’s be honest, I find plenty of time to watch TV and read magazines…so why can’t I find time to do these things? There is no reason why I can’t.

As for the physical discipline, I am more consistent but I still haven’t really followed a schedule. But here’s my new weekly rundown:

Sunday: REST

Monday: Pilates or Yoga

Tuesday: 30-45 min cardio

Wednesday: aerobics class (at 5:30 AM!)

Thursday: 30-45 min cardio or REST

Friday: aerobics class (at 5:30 AM)

Saturday: Pilates or Yoga

This schedule may change if/when I decide to start training for a race (once it starts getting nice again outside…which should be happening in about February 🙂 ).

Of course, this exercise schedule is a complement to eating healthy. I’m shooting for 50% carbs, 25% fat, 25% protein. I’ve been tracking my food for about a month and I’m surprisingly close to that everyday. I’m hoping that soon, I can stop tracking…it’s kind of a nuisance. I keep telling myself that it’s about being healthy and treating my body with respect because it is a temple of the Holy Spirit–that means not feeding it high-cal, high-fat foods or feeding it too much/too little food. If I fuel my body correctly, it will run correctly and I will live a long, happy life (God willing).

So this is my attempt at being disciplined. Maybe I should set up a reward system…like a bulletin board that I get to put stars on for every week that I achieve my goals 🙂

That was actually supposed to be a joke, but now I’m seriously thinking about it. That could be a good motivator… 

Just want to wish everyone good luck with any New Year’s Resolutions Goals that they’re making! I’ll continue to update with my victories and losses–let me know yours too!

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Lethargy.

31 Dec

Since getting back from vacation, I have felt like my whole body is filled with lead. I feel lethargic and sapped of energy. Even though I’m still carrying on with my daily activities (going to work, exercising, unpacking, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry), I feel like I’m doing it all in a haze. If it weren’t for my stubbornness and OCD-organization, I probably would have just gone to bed the minute I got home last night. That’s what I really felt like doing.

But no, I made myself cook dinner (which was supposed to be 15 Bean Soup that I got from Carolyn, Travis’ sister…until I read the directions and found out the beans take 2.5 hours to simmer…but I had already soaked them so I was kind of committed to making the soup, even if we weren’t going to eat it right away…so I trudged through it…until 10:00 PM when it was FINALLY done!). I also did all the dishes (there were a lot!), did Pilates, and put away the folded laundry. I also got up this morning at 5:10 AM to go to my aerobics class (note to self: don’t do Pilates the day before aerobics…puts a severe damper on your energy). All of this activity usually comes naturally. But not this time. I even had to force myself to read my book while waiting a whole $&%@ hour for the &$!% italian sausage to cook so I could add it to the soup (I was not a happy camper by the end of it…hopefully the soup is worth it).

The thing that’s really weird, though, is that the bed in our guest bedroom has tons of stuff piled on top that needs to be put away. We also need to take down all of our Christmas decorations. But even my anal, tidy self can’t muster up the energy to do those 2 things. I keep throwing more things into the guest bedroom, telling myself “I really need to take care of this stuff,” words that normally force me into action. But these words are falling on voluntarily deaf ears.

Eh, maybe I’ll do it tomorrow…

[Update 1/2/09: I actually did put away and take down all that stuff on New Year’s Day…but not until I had watched football and taken a 2-hour nap. :)]

I can’t help but wonder if my lethargy is a carryover from work. I’m stuck in a state of having some work, but not enough to fill 8 hours. Having to work without the motivation of a time crunch is more draining, I think, than having so much work to do, you don’t know if you can get it all done. I would much prefer the latter. This slowness is killing me…and possibly turning me into a tortoise.

We’re going to some friends’ house tonight to ring in the New Year. It’ll be good to see our friends from church…but to be honest, I would be perfectly content sitting lethargically on the couch watching movies and drinking champagne. Guess I’ll have to force myself to party too. 🙂 Shucks.

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Back home.

30 Dec

Well, we made it back to Colorado. Our drive back was uneventful, thank God. We left Rochester around 9:15 AM and drove into our driveway in Wheat Ridge around 9:55 PM. Not bad.

I always feel weird saying we’re “back home” because in my mind, it’s an enigma. I feel like Minnesota is home. When people asked me about my plans for Christmas, I always said “We’re going back home to Minnesota.” But then, when we drive back to Colorado, we’re coming back to the place we live 50 weeks out of the year. We own a house here. We have jobs here. Our church is here. We have good friends here. It has definitely become more familiar and comfortable to live out here but I don’t know if it necessarily feels like home…or if it ever will feel that way.

Anyway, for our last few days in MN, Travis and I hung out with my family in Rochester, where I grew up. I hadn’t been back in about a year and a half, on account of Travis’ cat allergy (last year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas were celebrated at my parents’ cabin in Pine City, MN). But this year was supposed to be different. Travis had gotten acupuncture treatment for his cat allergy and the doctor had proclaimed at his last checkup that Travis was cured. Well, he wasn’t. His allergy is still there. It may be slightly weaker but nonetheless, we were forced to retreat to the Extended Stay America instead of the nice, cozy, queen bed downstairs.

Friday night, after Travis and I arrived in Rochester, my whole family (minus Jeremy and Jen, who couldn’t come up because of Jen’s new job) ate dinner and watched Wall-E. I think that is such a cute movie. Wall-E has cute, little puppy dog eyes. Waaaaaalllllleeeee!!!

Saturday, we had breakfast around 9:30, then opened presents (I got a new 4.5 quart saucepan!), and then went to see Seven Pounds at the theater. That was a good movie. It was all I could do to not break down sobbing at the end. So sad. Travis and I were talking about it later…the movie really illustrates humanity’s desire (and need) for a Savior. [Warning: spoiler.] Tim (Will Smith) gives his life, organs, and house to help 7 people as a way to repay the 7 deaths he caused (including that of his fiancee) in a car accident. At once, his ultimate decision seems both selfless and selfish. Selfless because he’s voluntarily giving up his possessions and even his life to help random people (who he has proven are “worthy” because they are “good people”). Selfish because the decisions are motivated by his own personal guilt. He gives his life to save 7 others’–but only after he first destroyed 7 in the first place.

It’s a wonderful, heart-wrenching story, really. But it made me think about how much more amazing the true gospel is. Jesus didn’t do anything wrong. There was absolutely no reason why He should even think twice about dying for us to have life. And yet, He did. Moreover, Jesus didn’t prove that we were essentially good people. In fact, we’re the very opposite of good. We’re depraved. We’re children of wrath. We can’t do and don’t do anything right or good on our own merits. Like it says in Isaiah 64, our good deeds are like filthy rags to God. But still, Jesus died for us. He died that we may have life. And while for Emily (Rosario Dawson) in Seven Pounds, the gift of life meant not being able to spend that life with her love, Tim, we in Christ not only have life but life with Christ. He is risen and alive. That was the purpose of His death and resurrection: so that we could be with Him in heaven forever.

Anyway, I would definitely recommend seeing that movie. After the movie, we dropped Travis off at the hotel so that he could rest in a cat-free environment and the rest of us went to the house and played Chickenfoot with dominoes–a very fun game might I add (especially with my family, who gets all riled up when someone thwarts their strategy). Then we picked Travis back up and drove to Mantorville to eat dinner at the historic Hubbell House. Very cool. I love seeing pictures and reading about people who lived hundreds of years ago. Ulysses S. Grant and Charles Mayo are 2 of the many famous people who have eaten there. But if you ever go there, though, don’t get a salad. They’re nothing to talk about.

Sunday morning, after a quick breakfast at Panera with the fam, Travis and I started the long journey back to Colorado. And so ended our Christmas Vacation. It went by so fast and it was felt very different not spending Christmas Eve with my family, doing our traditions of fondue, present opening, and the candlelight service at our church. But alas, getting older means letting go of things you used to do and people you used to see. Life moves on.

I would be sad that our vacation is over and that we’re back in Colorado without our families if it weren’t for our upcoming trip to Puerto Vallarta in March. My parents’ Christmas presents to all of us kids (and signficant others) was a weeklong stay at the all-inclusive Vallarta Palace. We just have to pay for our own airfare, which Travis and I did yesterday. We were able to find tickets for about $500 a person out of Denver, which is a lot better than flying out of Minneapolis–tickets out of there are more like $700 a piece! Yowsa! My parents, 3 brothers, and their wives/girlfriend are all going, as well as my uncle, aunt, and their 3 sons. A big, fun-loving group! I can hardly wait.

Our upcoming Mexico vacation and the overabundance (and overconsumption!) of Christmas cookies and sugary treats have led Travis and I to a sort of detox plan: we can’t eat sweets (chocolate, ice cream, donuts, candy, cake, bars, etc) or drink soda until we are sitting on the beach in Mexico, with a waiter asking us what kind of free alcoholic beverage we would like to sip while watching the dolphins swim through silver hoops. If you remember, I have been trying to limit my sweets intake for the past several months but to no avail. Finally, Travis has agreed to do it with me (and in fact, it was his idea!) so I think this time it will work. I can let myself down, but I can’t let Travis down. We’re also going to keep each other accountable for exercising at least 3 times a week (I’m shooting for 6 days a week but realize that may not always be possible). Travis also wants to learn about portion sizes so that he knows how much he is eating (I can tell you right now that he eats about 3 servings of cereal for breakfast and about 2.5 servings of pasta when we have it for dinner).

Here’s to a healthy 2009 and 2 Mexico-ready bodies by March 15th!!! Wish us luck!

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