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What is my deal?

4 Feb

This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I’m just having such a hard time in our marriage right now, not because Travis is mean or insensitive or distant. Rather, it’s because I am.

I’m just so discouraged. I get mad at Travis over nothing quite often. So he’s gotten to the point (and I can’t blame him) of always assuming that if I’m mad, I’m mad at him. So if I say something remotely stern or terse, even if I’m not really mad, he thinks that I am mad and reacts. He acknowledges his sinfulness but I can’t help but see that about 90% of our fights are caused by me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a b$#%@. I feel like I fly off the handle at any little thing and not just when I’m PMSing. I know that ultimately, it’s because I’m a sinner. I also know that ultimately, I have been forgiven everything in Christ and that with the Holy Spirit, I have the power to conquer my sinful inclinations and desires to fight. But I just don’t feel like I’m winning or making any progress!!

For the past month, Travis and I haven’t gone even one whole day without fighting. Not only do I feel bad about our fighting, I wonder how much other newlyweds fight. I know the first year is supposedly the hardest. But why this hard? Is it this hard for other people? Am I just psychotic?

All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. It is miserable to always be fighting with your spouse, to be angry at them, have them angry at you, walking around on proverbial eggshells or making your spouse walk on them. I bawled in the car again last night and told Travis “Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this.” And as I lay this burden at the foot of the cross, I know that I won’t keep living like this–God won’t let me. Praise to Him for His faithfulness!

Learning to love in reverse order

1 Feb

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a “girls’ night.” We watched The Princess Bride, a movie that I have seen way more times than I ever wanted to. So many people love that movie and I, well I just think it’s “okay.”  I’ll watch it willingly and I’m not in pain the whole time but it’s not a movie I would ever choose to watch on my own.

One of the girls who came brought a Chicken Bacon Artichoke pizza from Papa Murphy’s. It is my new favorite pizza. It was soooo amazing! And with bacon on it, you’d think that it would be high in calories. But it only has 181 calories per slice! Even though I’m not a huge fan of bacon, this pizza is fantastic. I will definitely be ordering it again.

When I left my friend’s house to go home, I was really excited to see Travis. But I knew that excitement to see my husband does not equal a good night with him. I can get frustrated, emotional, and annoyed by just about anything. So as I was driving home, I asked the Lord to let me have a good night with him and not get angry.

When I got into our apartment parking lot, I saw that Travis had parked the Pathfinder in our normal parking spot. We signed up for the spot right next to it but there has been this red Chevy Corsica sitting there forever (even though the car owner doesn’t even have a parking spot!). We put a note on the car but then it snowed and was covered up. Plus, I don’t think whoever owns the car uses it often enough to notice changes from day to day. Anyway, since the red car was in our other spot, and the Pathfinder was in our usual spot, I had to park my car about 200 feet away from our apartment door in the spots that aren’t assigned to anyone.

As I walked from my car to our apartment, I wasn’t mad. I was thinking “Maybe Travis was going to move the car before I got back and he just forgot.” When I got inside, I said playfully to Travis, “You made me park far away.” And he said sadly, “Ohhh, I tried calling you to let you know just to park in the spot next to me because no one ever parks there.” “I wasn’t expecting a call so I didn’t check my messages.”

And I was frustrated. A slight cause of it may have been that I felt Travis was saying it was my fault that I parked so far away because I didn’t check my messages. But most of it is just that I’m incredibly selfish and petty. And I don’t feel love for Travis a lot of the time, which burdens my heart with sorrow.

Travis wanted to cuddle but I just wanted my space. I got annoyed when he touched me. So being a nice, understanding guy, he left me alone. I just laid on the bed for a while, not moving. Travis asked me if I wanted to talk. I started talking but the tears started welling up. I broke down and it felt so good to cry on Travis’ shoulder. He just held me and said he loved me, which continues to amaze me since I feel like I deserve no favor from Travis for my often-harsh actions and words toward him. What did I do to deserve such a husband?

And so I see that I am learning to love my husband, and starting to feel love for him again, by being loved when I am not loving…just like our relationship with the Father. He loves us unconditionally, 24/7, when we are most unlovable. And His love moves our hearts to love–“We love because He first loved us.” I know that my Lord is using these trying, confusing circumstances for good and for His glory. I am just beginning to see the rays of light poking through the storm clouds…

Ups and downs of buying a car

29 Jan

Travis and I got our new Pathfinder today. We went to work around 7, then left at 9:30 to drive down to Colorado Springs, where the seller lives. We got to usbank around 11:00 and quickly found out that the bank had just been expecting that we would sign the papers and leave–no check cut, nothing. WHAT!?!? We drove all the way down to Colorado Springs for the specific purpose of getting the car and then we can’t get a check cut?

Turns out it was the banker in Boulder’s fault. He didn’t communicate enough and didn’t fax over the paperwork that was needed to complete the transaction. So the people at the Colorado Springs usbank had to pretty much start from scratch on our loan. We were at usbank for about 1 1/2 hours and the loan we took out is a 4-year loan, not 5 like we had been hoping for. So our monthly payment is a little more than ideal. What should’ve been a very easy process was a long and complicated one. And we felt bad because the seller, his wife, and their 3-month-old daughter were there waiting too! But we got everything squared away and now we have a second car! Oh the possibilities that have been opened…

I got back to work around 2:10 and went straight into a meeting with my boss. Whereas before I had been really looking for work to do (and not finding much), the workload has finally picked back up. Yay! I finally left at 6:10 to go home–it was weird going home without Travis, something that will happen more often, now that we have 2 cars.

Travis and I also talked a little more about the whole housing situation. We are thinking about continuing to move forward with the house hunt. While it would be nice to have more money for a down payment, we realized that we would be spending $9,600 (conservatively) on rent for a year and have nothing to show for it. So spending an extra $15,000 on interest because of a smaller down payment probably isn’t that big of a deal. The thing that will make or break our buying a house, however, is if we can really afford it month to month. With a house comes more costs–not only is a mortgage payment more than rent but you also have utilities and all that jazz.

I’m not sure what will happen but it’s exciting to think of the possibilities!

Sad day just got better!

28 Jan

Travis called about 1 hour ago and said that we did get approved for the car loan! YAY! Prayer definitely paid off. We are going to drive down to Colorado Springs tomorrow morning around 10:00 to go to the bank and do what we gotta do. I’m so happy that we’re going to have 2 cars at this time tomorrow!

Sad day in the neighborhood

28 Jan

I know that God is sovereign and good. He is able and willing to provide for His children and He does provide. So I’m trying to not be too upset.

But Travis and I balanced our budget the other night, refiguring how much money we need for all of our different categories so that we can start putting $500 in savings every month for buying a house. As we looked at the budget, we started to realize that maybe buying a house this spring/summer isn’t possible for us. Well, it’s possible if we don’t want to put much or any down and we want a higher interest rate on our mortgage (turns out my credit might not be so hot because of stupid mistakes I made in college). We might just have to move into another apartment in Arvada/Wheat Ridge. At least that way, we would be closer to work and our friends, even if it’s still not a permanent residence.

Adding insult to injury, Travis found out this morning that our car loan was denied. “What?!?!?” I said. The guy at the bank did NOT say that this happening was even a possibility. He said that we had been approved for “x” at y% for a 2000 or older and approved for “z” at q% for a 2001 or newer. We were buying a 2001 so we thought we were good to go. Nope! I guess the bank sends some paperwork to someone else saying “We’re going to give these people this much money. Okay?” To which those people said, “NOT okay!” Travis said that the guy at the bank resubmitted the loan request, trying to appeal the denial. We find out this afternoon what happens.

God is sovereign and if He wants us to get this car, we will get it–of that I am sure. And if we don’t get the car, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing by not letting us have a car. He’s working something out and it is positively for our good and joy in Him. It just makes me a little frustrated at myself because I’M the reason why we’re having this trouble. I paid my car loan late just one time but it’s still a “discrepancy” in the eyes of the lenders. And since the car we want to buy is “borderline,” meaning it is right on the cutoff between the loan rates and amounts, the lenders denied it.

I’m praying every minute that God is delighting to give us the Pathfinder… it would be so amazing to have 2 cars again!

Not black diamond material…

26 Jan

Travis and I went skiing at Keystone today. The bank couldn’t pull together the loan paperwork for the Pathfinder in time so we didn’t get the car thing accomplished today. But we got to go skiing instead!

We left at 6:00 AM to beat traffic, which meant that I had to get up by 4:30. It was an early morning and I am beat–a nap is definitely in order this evening. We got up to Keystone by 8:30 (even though we left early, the traffic was still bad for a while). By the time we got all our gear on, went to the bathroom and walked to the ski lift, it was 9:00–just in time for opening.

We were a little self-conscious about our ski gear–our skis and poles (as well as my boots) are from the early 90s. Since we just moved out to CO and don’t really have tons of extra cash lying around (have you seen the prices of ski equipment?!?!), we got the ski stuff my parents used back in the day when my whole family used to ski together (a long time ago).

My boots are this nasty yellow-white color with aqua writing on the outside and aqua/purple lining on the inside. Travis got new boots but our skis have flourescent colors and the worst part–they’re pointy at the end. All the skis nowadays are rounded on the end and edges. Back when our skis were made, they were majorly pointy, as in witch’s shoe pointy.

And when you’re standing in line waiting for the ski lift, all you really have to do is talk to whoever you’re with and look at everyone else’s skis/snowboards. I’ve been in ski shops recently and seen all the cute designs. Everyone had them. As Travis said, we had everyone beat by at least 10 years on the age of their ski equipment. It’s interesting to see the culture of skiing/snowboarding. I bet about 90% of the people out there have bought their winter clothes within the past 2 years. I bet 75% have bought their ski/snowboard equipment within the past 3 years. It’s a rich sport. You don’t see people from the ghetto going skiing. Because you need money for the lift ticket, the equipment, and the clothes, as well as money to just get near a ski resort.

At least nobody turned their noses up at us. But Travis did hear a couple guys’ comments: “Hey Bill! Do you remember when those skis came out?” and “Wait, are those PREs [my skis]? I thought those would be hanging up in a museum somewhere.” Nope, they’re here and I’m using them to get down that hill.

Since this was Travis’ first time skiing in 10 years and my first time in about 5, we didn’t really know what to expect. Add to that, the last time we were skiing, we were skiing in Minnesota. We quickly found out that a green circle hill in Minnesota doesn’t exist in Colorado. A “green” in CO is like a MN “blue” or possibly even “black”–which led us to the realization that all ski run coding is completely relative.

Needless to say, we stuck to the greens and blues. I was going to stay the h— away from those black diamonds. The black diamonds, however, did not stay away from me.

Keystone is a big place. There are two sides to many mountains and countless runs that cross, parallel, and merge with other runs. For the first part of the day, we stayed on the front side of the main mountain. So many people! But I’ll get to that… So after lunch, we decided to test the back side of the mountain. There were blues and blacks back there and 2 really short greens.

We were going on one of the short greens called Scout. We figured, “It’s a short run. We’ll just go down it quick, get back on the lift and then go on another run.” Travis was really catering to me because I wanted to stick to the milder runs. So we went down Scout. About 300 yards down the slope, it got really steep. I cut to the left, my ski caught, and down I went onto my left hip, in a cloud of snow. I got back up, a little shaken, and looked down the hill.

My heart stopped. It was a LONG way to the bottom and to me, it looked like a complete dropoff. I felt like I was going to drop off the face of the earth if I skied down that hill. I started to mentally hyperventilate and I couldn’t move.

I looked up at Travis and whimpered, “I don’t want to go down this hill. I don’t like this hill. It’s sooooo steep.”

Being the sweet husband that he is, Travis skied down to me and tried to reassure me, “No babe, you can do this. Just take it slow and cut from the left to the right. We can make it down.”

“I’m just going to take my skis off and walk down.” That seemed the safest option but it was a long way to walk.

“No babe, you can do this. We’ll just take it in sections and go slow.”

I had to will myself to move my skis. I saw younger kids and other women going down the slope like it was no big deal. I knew I could do it; I just didn’t want to. I was scared.

But with Travis leading, I carved to the left and then the right. I couldn’t get my skis straight when I cut to the left. I tried to straighten them but down I went onto my hip again, spraying snow and sliding 5 ft down the icy hill. One time I slid into Travis. I knew I was going too slow cutting to the left but I didn’t want to go fast because it freaked me out. So my strategy became to cut to the right and snowplow to the left. Cut to the right, snowplow to the left. Little by little, I reluctantly inched my way down the hill. Slowly, I built up confidence and by the end, I was cutting back and forth with ease.

But when we got to the bottom of that hill, I told Travis “We aren’t skiing the back of the mountain. There is no way I’m going on another run like that.” When we got on the ski lift and took out the map, we discovered that lo and behold, we had just skied down a black diamond called Diamond Back. I felt better about my fright–at least I wasn’t that paranoid about a blue square! Seems that we had overestimated the length of that short green–it was only about 100 yards long and we had blown right by that ski lift–to continue on to the connecting black diamond.

We went down the front of the mountain a couple more times after that. I fell over a few more times. Seemed like I had lost all my confidence by going down that black diamond. And the people whizzing by me on both sides didn’t help. I wasn’t used to so many people on the slopes, not to mention people really good at skiing/snowboarding. I kept losing my concentration, scared I was going to cut in front of someone and they were going to plow right into me.

Because of that, I stuck to a nice, steady pace. Travis liked speed and adrenaline. So for those last few runs, he went on ahead of me and we met at the bottom. We finally decided to call it quits when our quads were so tired that we could barely stand up. (That and I had started making a fool of myself by dropping things, falling over trying to get up to the line for the ski lift, etc.–all signals that I was ready to leave.)

I like to consider myself in pretty good shape. I run, use the elliptical, do squats and lunges and wall sits. But man, none of that prepared me for that leg workout! I hope that I can walk tomorrow. All in all, it was a really fun day. It was warm, in the lower 30s–we actually were sweating. Such a change from MN, where we often skied in 10 degree weather! I was worried my feet would be freezing (they almost always are) but amazingly, they also were sweating. It’s so much more enjoyable to be outside when you’re not freezing your arse off.

Skiing day #1– down!!

The Wild Rules!

25 Jan

Last night, Travis and I went to the Y and I did intervals on the treadmill. I walked for 1 minute at a 15-minute pace, ran for 2 minutes at a 10-minute pace, and ran for 1 minute at a 8.34-minute pace; then repeated that cycle. It was a good workout and I was definitely ready to be done after 30 minutes!

Then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and ate back all the calories we had burned off. 🙂 I keep reminding myself that exercise is just as much about physical fitness as weight maintenance. My new guilty pleasure is boneless wings with Honey BBQ sauce. Usually I don’t like spicy things because of the mouth tingle they give you. But I love these wings! They are especially good with ranch and the tingle is just enough–any more and I wouldn’t be able to eat them.

We went to BWW to watch the Colorado Avalanche vs. the Minnesota Wild. It was such a good game. So many times the Avs got close to scoring but didn’t–sigh of relief. Minnesota won 3 to 2. Yay! It’s so fun to watch a really good game and then have your team win.

Now for the Superbowl, Travis and I are going to be cheering for different teams. I don’t really care about professional football enough to follow teams all the way through the season or even know what’s going on. But amazingly, I am aware that as of right now, the Patriots have a perfect record for the season. If they won the Superbowl, it would be a major record. So I’m cheering for the Patriots. Travis, on the other hand, is cheering for the Giants because, as he says, he doesn’t “like a dynasty.” He doesn’t want the Patriots to set that record. I think it would be cool!

We found a car!

24 Jan

We looked at a car this morning at 7:15. It is a 2001 silver Nissan Pathfinder with 80,000 miles. Travis found out about the SUV on craig’s list. The owner, Bill (we think), lives in Colorado Springs but was in Boulder for an audit (he’s a CPA). We looked at the car and engine–looked great. We drove it around–drove great. We took it to a mechanic to get checked out–it checked out. So we’re going to buy it! We’re so excited!

The bank wasn’t open this morning (usbank doesn’t open until 9:00 AM–grrrr…) so we’re hopefully going to finalize the sale with the bank this weekend. We gave Bill $100 in cash as a “We’re really going to buy this” promise so that he would hold the vehicle. Travis and I had been planning on going skiing at Keystone on Saturday but we may either have to leave later in the day or go on Sunday instead. I vote for going later on Saturday but we’ll see how it works out.

Praise the Lord for His faithfulness! We prayed for a quick deal and He delivered!

Here’s a picture of our (almost) new ride:

 pathfinder.jpg