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A choice

16 Feb

I just found out tonight that the job with the triathlon company I had wanted (and thought I had) back in January (that I didn’t get) might be back on the table. They are potentially getting 2 new contracts, which would bring in enough money (and enough work) for them to hire another person full-time. They were going to hire a guy with 5 years race director experience but when they called to offer him the job, he turned it down, saying he didn’t want to travel so much.

The contracts are still legally pending – meaning the race people have given their word but not faxed a signed contract. So this job is still not a for sure in itself, let alone for me.

The owner of this nonprofit also wants to meet me. So I’m going up there on Monday morning.

But here’s the thing…

I’m not entirely sure I want the job. I mean, I do.

But I don’t.

Why the ambivalence? This isn’t your typical job. It’s with a triathlon company…

Pros:

Work from home

Get lots of vacation during the off-season

Flexible-ish hours during the on-season

Get paid more

Work outside

A new, exciting experience in a fun environment

Lots of travel

More interaction with people

More authority and control over my workload (I would be in charge of timing events)

Work with non-Christians, have chances to share the gospel

Chance to broaden my marketing and design skills

Get involved with a start-up company

Cons:

Long hours during the on-season

Lots of travel

I’d be away from Travis a lot

Summer weekends would be tied up working instead of hiking and camping

I’d miss church a lot

Time off during the week, when Travis is working

Possibly not able to participate in any races during on-season

Besides D, it’s all guys who work there (and they sound like they’re frustrating at times)

Sometimes I like working in an office

I wouldn’t have a reason to dress up anymore (sweats and tees would be my “uniform”)

There are things I think I could do to minimize the damage… I could find a church that has Wednesday night services or recreate my own church services at home on my days off. I could bring Travis with me to some races. I don’t think every weekend will be tied up so we’ll have to be intentional about planning things like hiking and camping for those times. The other things are petty (like, liking to dress up… I think I can get over that).

This door isn’t for sure open yet, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself. But if the door does open, I could start as early as March 1st so I do want to consider it enough to know what my answer would/will be if/when they offer me the job.

After reviewing the list above, I feel like the Pros outweigh the Cons. It’s a little scary… leaving the known for the unknown. But just the other day, I was thinking about Crystal Renn, the plus-size model who wrote Hungry. When she had been discovered by the modeling scout and had finally lost enough weight to start modeling, she moved from rural Mississippi to New York. Her grandma (who was really like her mom growing up) moved with her, giving up her own house to go live in a tiny flat with a bunch of models. Crystal wrote that she still can’t fathom the sacrifice her “mom” made for her. But it is because her mom was willing to sacrifice for Crystal that she is changing the face of modeling today.

The Winter Olympics brought this thought up as well, as I watched a 16-year-old figure skater from the U.S. compete last night. That girl is forgoing a typical high schooler’s life, time with her friends and family, time with boys, time being a teenage girl, to achieve something great. She is following her dream. She is stepping out on the ledge and going for it.

There have been a few things in my life that I’ve had to make choices about. In the past, I’ve decided against them when they would cause me to give up something important to me. I decided to not take ballet lessons because they were on Wednesday nights, during our care group time. Travis and I decided to not lead a care group at church because we were just getting to be good friends in the group we were attending and didn’t want to leave those behind.

But maybe this is a decision that I have to be bold about. Maybe I have to sacrifice some things to achieve something great. Maybe God is calling me to take a risk, to take a chance on Him.

I don’t feel like I’ve ever really taken a risk on anything. Probably the biggest one was moving out to Colorado without jobs but that decision, we felt, was clearly God’s will.

So I want that kind of certainty with this decision. I’m leaning toward yes (if the job is offered, but that’s a big IF) but I don’t want that to be an automatic yes. I want it to actually be a decision, weighing the reality of the situation. Back in January, I wanted out of my current job so badly that I couldn’t see straight. But now, God has brought me to a point of rationality. I do like my job and I would be happy to stay there for the foreseeable future, until God moved me elsewhere. Maybe God is moving me now though?

God seems to have a way of bringing me to a point of contentment with a situation and then giving me what I’ve wanted all along. When I was finally content without a boyfriend after becoming a Christian, God brought Travis into my life. When I had finally made peace about the uncertainty of whether Travis and I would get married (and I say finally because it took me over a year!), Travis proposed. So maybe now that I am finally at peace with what happens with my job, God will give me the triathlon job. I don’t presume to know, though. He is full of surprises – all full of grace and blessing, might I add.

I really want this decision to be bathed in prayer, as they say, so I am going to try to pray a lot over the next several days about this. My life is in God’s hands and I am at peace when I rest completely in His love for me. So I am going to fight to rest, as John Piper would say.

Stay tuned for more…

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My new blog look

13 Feb

As you can clearly see, I have updated my blog’s look and name. I had my last blog look since I started my blog back in 2007. Not only was it time for an aesthetic update, I felt like my blog name no longer accurately portrayed what my blog was about. (For those of you who don’t know, it was called Learning and Loving It.) While I am still learning, I can’t honestly say that I’m loving it. That is, I love it only insofar as it is a means to an end: knowing Christ more. I don’t loving learning (especially hard things!) for learning’s sake.

So when I contemplated what my blog is about most often, these words came to my head: honesty. truth. God. faith. reality. questioning. trying to figure things out. life. confusion. hard stuff. emotions. body image.

I wanted my blog name to capture that life isn’t a bowl full of cherries but it’s not a bitch either (to borrow a popular phrase). It’s a process. You grow, you shrink, you step forward, you step backward, you succeed, you fail. But through it all, those who have Christ, have “a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain [into the presence of the Father], where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf…” (Hebrews 6:19-20).

If I’ve learned anything over the last 12 months of questioning, confusion, and uncertainty, it’s that I am a broken human being. It is only through Christ and His gospel that I amount to anything. He is my hope, my inspiration, my calm amidst the storm. He is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and the Person I praise when I go to bed at night. He is my everything.

I have joy in being a broken person because it enables me to see the glory of Christ, displayed most poignantly on the cross, even more.

I have also learned that it is God’s plan to break me…in a good way. Like Kay Warren talks about in her book, Dangerous Surrender: What Happens When You Say Yes to God, God wants me to be “gloriously ruined.” To paraphrase Kay Warren, to no longer be content to live with the focus of my life on my world – myself, my problems, my family, my career. He wants my eyes to be opened to the reality of this world – evil and spiritual warfare – and to engage in battle wearing the full armor of God.

Being broken isn’t easy or fun. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s worth it. Jesus said that “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” (John 15:11). Jesus also said “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you… Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” (John 16:22, 24).

Jesus promises us joy. Moreover, He promises us HIS joy. What is His joy? It was His joy that motivated Him to endure the cross (Hebrews 12:2). Just as it was Paul’s and John’s joy to see their “children” in the faith walking in the truth of the gospel, so it is Christ’s joy to see us reconciled to God and co-heirs with Him. In Ephesians 1:18, Paul prays that the Ephesians (and all believers) would have “the eyes of our hearts enlightened, that we may know…the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.” The only reason Christ died on the cross was to save us. He had perfect intimacy with the Father and the Father with Him. They didn’t need us. But they wanted us. And Christ’s death and resurrection – and the Holy Spirit dwelling in me – enable me to want God too. As the song All I Have is Christ says, “If you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still.”

I have Christ’s joy in me when I keep my eyes focused on heaven and God.

Colossians 1:11 says, “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.” My qualification in the inheritance of the saints gives me joy.

1 Peter 1:8-9 says “Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” Jesus is my source of joy.

I have joy in God when I turn from focusing on myself to focusing on God and the gospel. Often times, that shift only happens by God breaking me, making me die to myself and enabling me to live for Him and His purposes.

This blog is not called Happiness in Being Broken for a reason – happiness is based on circumstance. Most of the time, being broken does not make me happy.

This blog is called Joy in Being Broken because joy is a deep-seated emotion borne out of hope, truth, and faith in the gospel. True joy is only possible in Christ.

That’s what this blog is about.

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Free to love God in all circumstances.

10 Feb

After being reminded of truth last weekend, my time at work has been much better. When tempted to get annoyed or frustrated, I remind myself of truth – that I can glorify God regardless of circumstance and that being gracious and patient is glorifying to Him.

I have been reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and his whole book is based around the quote by St. Iphnaeus, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” For several months, I have struggled with an Ecclesiastes perspective on life: everything is vain and a striving after the wind. Why eat? Why make the bed? Why buy clothes? Why enjoy music? Why exercise? It’s all seemed so pointless and such a waste of time.

But John Eldredge says that it is through the heart reawakened by the Spirit of Christ that we truly connect with God. Living life fully is doing what you love, seeing those things as gifts from God and revelations of Him. I have wanted to believe that for so long but it seemed to good to be true.

Tonight at care group, the worship leader, Cathy, thanked God for revealing Himself to us through sunrises, songs, and Scripture. I recalled reading in The Sacred Romance (another John Eldredge book) a long time ago about God wooing us, about Him speaking to our hearts through specific, tangible things. Again, this seems to good to be true.

But then again, it’s God. Nothing with Him is too good to be true because things more amazing than I can imagine are true with Him. He proved that with the gospel. “He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” Including love notes throughout the day. Including pleasurable moments, little things that we enjoy.

John Eldredge writes in Waking the Dead, “Everything you love is what makes a life worth living… A life filled with loving is a life most like the one that God lives, which is life as it was meant to be.” This makes sense to me, because if God’s glory is shone in a man (or woman) fully alive, then their heart is engaging with the things of this world around them.

Just as Travis and I were driving home from care group tonight, I was telling him how freeing it was to know that enjoying things in this world is good because they reveal God. I am free to enjoy things because of what they represent – they are the shadow but the substance is to come.

More than that, God has created me specifically to like certain things. There is a reason why I like sunrises, spring mornings, summer nights, grapenuts with bananas, honey and yogurt. He designed me to love reading, writing, and to have deep thoughts (sometimes deeper than I’d like). He created me to be more of a one-on-one person than a crowd person. He created me to be better at thinking through writing than speaking. He decided that I would prefer individual sports like running and triathlons over team sports. He gave me my love for funny movie lines, cute animals, and my wonderful husband (who cooked soup for tonight’s care group!).

The enemy wants to keep my heart indifferent or apathetic. He wants me to drift along in this life, skirting the fringe, finding no meaning or value in anything. He doesn’t want me to engage, doesn’t want my heart to feel. I will close with these quotes from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis:

“Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is His invention, not ours. He made all the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage the humans to take pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable.”

“The deepest likings and impulses of any man are the raw material, the starting-point, with which the Enemy has furnished him. To get him away from those is therefore always a point gained; even in things indifferent it is always desirable to substitute the standards of the World, or convention, or fashion, for a human’s own real likings and dislikings.”

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Humbled, yet again

6 Feb

The last few days have been pretty tumultuous for me emotionally. Yesterday especially. Thursday was the day I blogged last, the day I could barely stand to be in the office. If you can believe it, Friday was even worse. It was the most delightful thought to me to walk into Phil’s office and tell him I quit. To pack up my stuff and leave on the spot.

To be honest, it still is a pleasant thought.

I got home from work, just hating my life. Hating that I had a job I hated. Hating that I couldn’t quit, that I had to just endure it for however much longer and not being to bear that thought. I tried to look at jobs and work on my resume after work but the computer wasn’t cooperating. I didn’t need that. But I didn’t give up. After a few more attempts and a switch in computers, I brought up my old resume in Word and starting working on it. I even looked up a resume guide online and took their suggestions to heart.

Then all of a sudden, the computer I was working on shut down.

When I brought the program back up, my resume was back to where it had been an hour before.

I raged. I cried, hit the door, screamed, yelled “God, why?!?!? WHY!?!? Am I not miserable enough? Why this? Do you not want me to get another job? Is this Your way of telling me that?” That went on for about 15 minutes. It wasn’t my finest hour.

Finally, I calmed down enough to recall the changes I had made. I had started making when another box popped up about document recovery. I x-ed out of it and there, lo and behold, was my resume. It wasn’t exactly how I had left it but it was a lot closer than the one I had presumed to be the most recent version.

I was humbled.

And still confused.

Here I was, raging at God for no reason (the humbling part). But I was still left with the “Why?” (the confusing part). Why did I have to go through that emotional turmoil just to discover that my resume was indeed still there?

I still didn’t know “why.”

I did know that after finalizing my resume and getting Travis’ feedback, I was able to go to bed with a spark of hope instead of a cloud of doom hanging over my head. And I did know that when I woke up this morning and applied for 6 jobs, that I was excited about the possibility of a new work situation, instead of dreading heading back into the same old one.

But then, after all that, I finally discovered the “why.”

While reading Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest, God knocked some sense into me. It’s amazing how many of Oswald Chambers exhortations do that on exactly the days I need them. The ironic part is that the readings that hit me square between the eyes were the readings I would have read on Thursday and Friday, had I gotten into the Word instead of foaming at the mouth with anger.

But first, I need to give a little background. After quite some time spent in bitterness and anger over the past week or so (and on/off for the past year or so) because of my job, I realized that the reason why working at D2S is so frustrating to me is because I feel insignificant. I have nothing to contribute because the motivation to come up with things to contribute has been snuffed out by the lack of encouragement for (and use of) contributions. Decisions are made and remade without the slightest regard for me. I feel like it can best be summed up by saying that my job is just to do what I’m told.

In light of that, these are the words God used to speak to me this afternoon:

February 5: “Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket–to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted–not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?”

February 6: “Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way… You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents–burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose–the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God… After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do… Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.”

It is not my job that is making me miserable. Rather, it is my refusal to run to God in the midst of my frustration. It is letting my circumstances take my eyes off God. That’s what He was showing me last night when the computer died. A new job won’t make me happy. A new job won’t make my life better automatically. It still might be time for me to move on from Dare 2 Share but God is not primarily concerned about the circumstances of my life–He’s concerned about my relationship with Him. He’s concerned first and foremost about my sanctification, about refining me into the image of His Son. He reminded me that true joy — true unwavering, unshakable joy — comes from knowing Christ as my Savior. It comes from knowing that God has a plan for me and that, I love how Oswald Chambers puts it, “God will prove Himself to be all [I] ever dreamed He would be.”

I can glorify God and be the light of Christ in my current job. It will be hard and I have been brought so low that I finally recognize there is no possible way I can do get through this with my personal integrity and happiness on my own strength. I need to seek God’s face, to read the Bible and have God speak truth to my soul. But because of Christ, I have faith – and faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

“In this world, you will have trouble but take heart; I have overcome the world.”

What an amazing God we have!

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Obedience tastes sweet.

30 Jan

Last night, Travis and I went to a going-away party for a guy from Travis’ work. We drove down where the party was with our friends Ahren and Lauren (Ahren works with Travis too).

Just to give you a little background, Ahren and Lauren are fun to hang out with. We get along well and enjoy the same activities: hunting, camping, hiking, fishing, etc. But they are not believers. They go to mass and consider themselves Catholic, though they don’t believe everything the Catholic religion believes. They like to party (aka get drunk) but usually with us, they just chill and have a few.

Because I have been convicted of sharing my faith more earnestly, I have been praying and looking for opportunities to bring up the gospel. I had thought about calling Lauren up and asking her out to coffee, since I only ever hang out with her in group settings. And I still might do that. We’ll see.

So last night, when we were on our way to the party, we happened to drive past the Denver Seminary. Ahren said that he didn’t know Denver had a seminary, and that he didn’t even know what a seminary was. We got on the subject of priests and how many new ones we thought there had been in the past couple of years (not many). And I felt the Spirit prompting that this was my chance.

The question that popped into my head was “What do you think about heaven?” There was a lull in the conversation and it would’ve been the perfect time but I was so scared to bring it up that I kept my mouth shut. Then Travis said something else and the conversation got off topic so I thought I was out my chance. I could feel my skin burning, the way it does when I have been really, really, really nervous and am finally let off the hook.

But as we continued driving (this place was about a 30 minute drive away), I couldn’t stop thinking about it. If I truly believe that they’re going to hell because they don’t believe in Christ, I can’t just shrug the conversation off like “it just wasn’t the right time.” It is always the right time, whether it’s awkward or not.

So I just blurted it out: “What do Catholics believe about heaven?”

Ahren asked if I was asked about anything specific in regards to heaven and I said no, I just didn’t know much about the Catholic faith. He said that they do believe that there’s a heaven and that you get there by asking for forgiveness (or by living exactly the way they want you to, which both Ahren and Lauren admitted was impossible… so at least there’s that). I confirmed that they believed forgiveness was the way you get to heaven. They said yes, that and confession. You’re supposed to go every week. I asked if they do that. Both of them said that they hadn’t gone to confession in years.

“So you’re just banking on asking for forgiveness before you die?” I asked.

“Something like that,” they replied.

“Do you believe in Jesus?”

“Yes, we do. We believe that he was the Messiah,” Ahren said. They said something else after this about Jesus and one religion not being for everyone but I can’t remember exactly what it was. But it prompted me to ask,

“Do you think Jesus is the only way to heaven?” They didn’t.

Then I quoted to them Jesus’ saying, “I am the way, the truth, the life, and no one comes to the Father except through me.”

“Hmmmmm,” Ahren said.

“There’s a book called More Than a Carpenter,” I said.

“I’ve heard of that book!” Lauren said.

“In it, it says that Jesus was either a lunatic, liar, or Lord. So he’s either crazy, lying about everything, or he’s actually God. If he is God, then we have to believe everything he says because God is perfect.”

“Hmmmmm,” Ahren said again.

“He also says that we have to born again to be saved, that we get to heaven by putting our trust in Christ. That it’s not about how good we are, how we live, what we do with our lives, but about putting our trust in Him. He came to earth and lived a perfect life (it says in Hebrews that he didn’t sin), then died on the cross for our sins (he could do that because he was fully God and fully man), and we go to heaven by putting our faith in Him alone.”

“Hmmmm,” Ahren said.

At this point, we were reading the directions and trying to figure out where to turn so the conversation got a little distracting. But I didn’t want to lose the chance to share the gospel so I just pushed ahead.

Ahren started to say, “We do believe in the crucifixion, that Jesus died for our sins…” But then we found the place and the conversation was over. But Travis has a great starting point now the next Ahren and he go out to lunch to ask Ahren what he thought about what we talked about the other night.

I asked Travis later in the night what he thought of the conversation. He said that it was pretty awkward but that he thought it was good and that it might have always been awkward. It would be interesting to know what those kinds of conversations feel like on the other side. Maybe they just feel awkward to us because we’re the ones who are telling the gospel.

But I finally obeyed the Spirit! There have been other times when I thought about sharing the gospel (not necessarily with Ahren and Lauren) but I’ve kept my mouth shut because of somehow rationalizing the reason why I didn’t have to or shouldn’t share the gospel at that moment. I was able to convince myself that it wasn’t really the Spirit’s prompting, it was just an idea I had on my own. Not so! The guilt I felt after those missed opportunities showed me that it was the Spirit leading me, and I had disobeyed. Now I know from experience that instead of guilt, obedience tastes sweet.

I have been battling with the tension between living out my faith and being intentional about sharing my faith. I think that we are called to live out our faith always, even in the midst of sharing our faith. But we are also called to share our faith with unbelievers with words and intentionality. And I am so glad that I did that last night. Selfishly, I am also happy that it didn’t make things awkward between us but I’d rather it be awkward for them to come to know Christ than to maintain the peace and settle for being “friends” with people who we know are going to hell. (How can we be friends with them and be ok with that, is what I want to know? We need to remind ourselves that, like C.S. Lewis says, “There are no mere mortals.” Everyone we see is going to either heaven or hell. Greg Stier said that he always imagined people with “Bound for Hell” stamped across their foreheads to give him motivation to share the gospel. He even to the malls on the weekends when he was in high school to do cold evangelism.)

Anyway, I will pray for Ahren and Lauren, that God will plant a seed in them. I will also pray for Travis, that he has the boldness and opportunity to bring it up again with Ahren.

Something that has helped me is to remind myself while I’m talking to other people about the gospel that I have staked my life on this. This is what has shaped my entire being, values, daily activity, friends, etc. I am just sharing what I believe with others, not trying to cram it down their throats. I honestly what to dialogue about the gospel with people. If they don’t believe, that’s God’s business. But if they do, what an amazing thing to behold (it hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m hoping it will as I start/continue to share my faith!)

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What shall I render to the LORD for all his benefits to me?

23 Jan

I have started to re-read We Would See Jesus by Roy Hession and while the whole book is utterly fantastic, this part put into words what I have been muttering in my soul for… a long time.

“To concentrate on service and activity for God may often actively thwart our attaining of the true goal, God Himself. At first sight it seems heroic to fling our lives away in the service of God and of our fellows. We feel it is bound to mean more to Him than our experience of Him. Service seems so unselfish, whereas concentrating on our walk with God seems selfish and self-centered. But it is the very reverse. The things that God is most concerned about are our coldness of heart towards Himself and our proud, unbroken natures. Christian service of itself can, and so often does, leave our self-centred nature untouched. That is why there is scarcely a church, a mission station, or a committee undertaking a special piece of service, that is without an unresolved problem of personal relationships eating out its heart and thwarting its progress. This is because Christian service often gives us opportunities of leadership and position that we could not attain in the secular world, and we quickly fall into pride, self-seeking and ambition. With those things hidden in our hearts, we have only to work alongside others, and we find resentment, hardness, criticism, jealousy, and frustration issuing from our hearts. We think we are working for God, but the test of how little of our service is for Him is revealed by our resentment or self-pity, when the actions of others, or circumstances, or ill-health take it from us!

“In this condition we are trying to give to others an answer which we have not truly and deeply found for ourselves. The tragedy is that much of the vast network of Christian activity and service is bent on propagating an answer for people’s needs and problems which few of those propagating it are finding adequate in their own lives. We need to leave our lusting for ever-larger spheres of Christian service and concentrate on seeing God for ourselves and finding the deep answer for life in Him. Then, even if we are located in the most obscure corner of the globe, the world will make a road to our door to get that answer. Our service of help to our fellows then becomes incidental to our vision of God, and the direct consequence of it.” (emphasis mine)

Wow. This is exactly what I needed to hear. This is exactly what I have been feeling, though I couldn’t voice it – that concentrating on my relationship with God was selfish and that I needed to be about other people. My fear is that if I let go of my felt need to serve and instead concentrate on God, then I won’t ever serve. That is the devil trying to keep me from growing closer to God!

I recommend this book to everyone but especially those who don’t feel close to God, or don’t completely understand the purpose of life.

Just another little snippet that is also wonderful:

“Grace permits us to come (nay, demands that we come) as empty sinners to be blessed, empty of right feelings, good character, and satisfactory record, with nothing to commend ourselves but our deep need, fully and frankly acknowledged. Then grace, being what it is, is drawn by that need to satisfy it, just as water is drawn to depth that it might fill it. This means that when at last we are content to find no merit nor procuring cause in ourselves, and are willing to admit the full extent of our sinfulness, then there is no limit to what God will do for the poor who look to Him in their nothingness.”

It is mind-boggling to me that God accepts, and actually requires, that I acknowledge my complete lack and His complete abundance. I don’t have to bring anything to the table. I don’t have to have any redeeming qualities in myself. I can come as a empty, weak, wretched sinner and God’s grace reaches out generously to bless me.

“Nothing in my hands I bring; simply to Thy cross I cling.”

“What shall I render unto the LORD for all his benefits toward me? I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD.” (Psalm 116:12-13).

Instead of praying to be a vessel that God uses as He wills, I have been taking it upon myself to be of service to God. I have felt the responsibility and guilt of making my life worthwhile and meaningful. That is God’s job! I am the clay; He is the potter. He knows I want to be used. He wants to use me. He may not use me in the way I want to be or think I should be used but He will use me in His own way. It is insofaras I am walking closely with God that I will see the path and purpose for my life.


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In light of eternity…

12 Jan

I wish I could turn my brain off. I wish I could stop analyzing. Stop comparing. Stop condemning. Myself, that is.

You see, I walk around with this shadow of guilt sitting on my shoulder. I haven’t done anything wrong… but then, I haven’t done anything right either. I’m mediocre, stuck in the middle. One of the masses. Your average Joe…Joette?

And I want to be fine with that. I used to be fine with that. I’m not the kind of person who needs the infamy of the limelight. I am content in the background, supporting, organizing, planning.

But there’s this restlessness in my head that just won’t let me be content with my life. I keep seeing the ways I could be better, ways I’m not measuring up. Ways I should be different.

A leadership book I’m reading says I should accept myself. “How does a Christian do that?” I wonder. “Is that even a biblical principle?” I dare say it’s not…

At least not totally.

What does Paul mean when he says “Nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.” I think he means exactly what he says. There is nothing good in him.

Does that sound like self-acceptance?

No.

Hmmm… then what? Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came so that we might have life, and to the fullest. Pray tell, where do I find that life?

Some would say the fullest life is found in self-acceptance. But I’ve tried that and found that there’s really nothing much in me worth accepting.

The trite (though true) Christian answer: the gospel.

But what does that mean? The terminology is thrown around so much that I think a telling head nod and eyebrow rise should go with it… you know, the gospel?  What they don’t explain, though, is how does the gospel give us life and life to the fullest? Because I understand the gospel, at least in principle. But as of yet, I don’t think I’ve found the fullest life. At least, I can imagine a fuller one. I can imagine a lot of things. And therein lies my problem.

If you asked me why I’m discontent with my life, and what I thought I should/could do to make it “better,” my answer would be something like, “Well, I feel like I should be making a difference, more giving of my time, more generous with my money, less lazy with my evenings, more productive with my weekends, more loving toward my husband and more enjoying of my life.”

So you ask, why don’t you do those things then?

Good question.

Self, why don’t I do those things?

::Silence.::

I guess you’ll have to check back later.

But I had the insight as I was driving home from work tonight, that it’s all because of eternity. Living in light of eternity is always presented in a positive light as something Christians should do. We’re reminded about it so often because our natural tendency is to live for the present only and forget that we’re going to heaven when we die and that our actions here do matter for eternity.

But you know what, I think that my initial inclination was wrong. I thought I was too concerned with eternity, so much so that I couldn’t live in the present without feeling the “weight of glory” on my shoulders, as C.S. Lewis puts it. But actually, I think that I, too, am only concerned with the present. Whereas most people’s inclination is to lose touch with the fact that their present actions have eternal ramifications and they just go about their day without thinking, I can’t seem to move off of that notion. I am consumed with thinking that everyday, eternity is being written. This is my one life…

And this is how I’m spending it.

Just as I longed for the days of unanalyzed eating in the midst of my calorie counting obsession, I now long for the days of unanalyzed living.

I can’t wait for eternity.

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Minnesota Christmas

28 Dec

I’m in Minnesota right now at Travis’ parents’ house in Grand Rapids. We got here last night after driving up from Pine City, where we were at my parents’ lake cabin for Christmas with my family.

Christmas was nice and relaxing. We ate and opened presents late on Christmas Eve, then went to church and ate some more on Christmas Day. The church service on Christmas made me cry. It was a small-town Lutheran church and the pastor (a female) gave a confusing, vague and heretical sermon about the inner holiness that we need to see in every human by having our eyes healed by the baby in the manger. I know that there are members of my family who aren’t trusting Christ for salvation and it broke my heart to realize that hearing messages like that might make them think that they’re ok and don’t need Christ. I was actually so frustrated with the sermon that I went up to the pastor afterward and told her my concerns. She looked at me with pity and compassion, agreeing with everything I said and contesting nothing. I walked away even more frustrated. I wanted to tell her that she was leading people to hell with her heresies but I didn’t. I don’t think it would’ve done any good anyway.

We visited our good friends Mark and Sarah last night at Mark’s parents’ house. They live in NC so we don’t get to see them very often. Mark was the best man in our wedding and they got married about a month after we did. They just had a baby girl in August. So weird! It is very hard for me to grasp the fact that Travis and I are old enough to be parents and it could be just a matter of a few years before we actually are. So weird.

But I am think I am ready to have kids for the most part. We are going to wait until Travis is done with grad school (God willing) and we have more of our debt paid off. But I’m thinking we should wait only another 2-3 years at the most. I’ll be 28-29 then. Our relaxed, spontaneous family vacations are limited. Kids will change the dynamic even more than spouses did. But as with them, it will be for the better. Good additions to the family. Plus, I love having “sisters.” 

I don’t know what we’ll do with Travis’ family while we’re here. Usually we go to a movie, sledding, snowmobiling, read, ice fish and talk. This year, Drew (our nephew) got Big Buck Hunter for the TV so Travis will of course be playing that a lot. It’s great being on vacation and just chilling with family. It makes Travis and I wonder what life would have been like had we stayed in MN instead of moving to CO. It would have been WAY different. And I think, easier. But we are glad that we moved. We believe that God led us out to CO and that He has us there for a reason. We still talk seriously about moving back in 5-10 years but Colorado is where we’ll stay for now.

Nevertheless, Minnesota will always feel like home.

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Majorly bummed.

22 Dec

So the whole job thing didn’t quite work out as anticipated. Not only am I not starting in January, I’m not sure I’ll get a job with that organization at all. From what my friend D (who left D2S to work for them) tells me, it sounds like they are rethinking a lot of things and haven’t figured anything out for sure. They’ve even talked about changing her level of responsibility and even her payscale, which is totally not cool. So D is glad that this happened before I got in the middle of it but it’s still a major bummer. I was really ready to leave AND I was really excited about the new opportunity.

But it doesn’t sound like they’ve for sure decided to not hire anyone… it’s just more about timing. Do they hire someone now or 3, 6, 12 months from now? If D has any say in it, if they do eventually decide to hire someone, I would be offered the position. So the hope and potential is still there. It’s just no longer on the near horizon.

Before I found this out yesterday, I had been reminding myself of God’s goodness, love and perfect timing. After I found out, I saw how easily I could abandon all those truths and instead be mad at God. “Why can’t I have this job? Why did You let me get all excited about this when You knew it wouldn’t happen? Why do You have to teach me to rely on You this way? I really wanted this job and You knew it!”

That’s what I wanted to say.

But I can’t let that be my attitude. God does have perfect timing and He is good, regardless of circumstances. And 24/7, He is not only able but willing to provide for me. So when I am tempted to lament to myself “I can’t take any more of D2S! I want out NOW!”, I have to remind myself of 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” and Psalm 55:22 – “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” It makes it sound like D2S is a horrible place to work (which it isn’t) but it helps to remind myself that God will enable me to endure, to perservere, to press on even when the going is rough.

On a positive note, there is a blizzard moving in across Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, and Minnesota so Travis and I are leaving for Minnesota a day early (tonight!) I haven’t even started packing but luckily, I did my baking last night so that’s all ready to go. I didn’t get a chance to buy my oldest bro’s Christmas present (was going to do that tonight) so we’ll have to figure out a Plan B for that.

The positive side, though, is that 1) One less day of work 2) One more day with my family and 3) One less day of work.

Hopefully Christmas and my fam will cheer up my spirits.

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Jitters.

17 Dec

It has been getting harder and harder to be at work this week. Not because I don’t want to be there or I’m bored. It’s the anticipation that’s killing me.

More and more it’s sounding like if this deal with this organization goes through and I get offered the job (I will tell more specifics later, if it ends up being a for-sure thing), I could start as early as January 4th. Which means I would give my 2 weeks notice next Monday 12/21 and be done on Wednesday 12/23, because of Christmas and the mandatory furlough my company is taking the week after Christmas. Not only that but I would get back from Minnesota on 1/3, the night before I would start my new job. I wouldn’t even have my home office set up or anything! It would definitely be a whirlwind if it went down that way.

But with the major transitions and restructuring right now (we let go of 5 employees last week), there is a lot of talk about who will be doing what going forward. I would like to be able to give notice before too many things get reassigned to me, because I’ll just have to turn around and tell them I’m leaving.

It sounds hopeful because the president of this nonprofit asked my friend D when I would need to know for sure in order to allow me to start at the beginning of Jan. So at least he’s aiming for that! If it doesn’t happen, I am trusting that it is God’s perfect timing and the best thing for everyone involved. I would either give my 2 weeks notice on Jan 4th or as soon as I could thereafter.

Man, it’s so hard not knowing!! This is definitely a lesson in patience and waiting on God. And I know that He is able and willing to provide for me, and He is sovereign and good. He has a plan for my life. This may be His plan (as it seems) but it may not. And I pray that I will have the grace to accept His plan either way.

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