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Bodily contentment

26 May

“Because your steadfast love is better than ______________, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3

At one women’s meeting in college, we were challenged to fill in that blank with whatever our biggest idol was, the thing we wanted most. At that time, I filled the blank with marriage. That’s what I wanted the most–and the thing I had the hardest time trusting God with.

But now the blank would be filled with a flat stomach. My stomach is my least favorite body part and no matter how in shape I get, how many sit-ups I do, I’m never quite satisfied with it.

Like most Americans who aren’t satisfied with their bodies, I have tried diets and exercise. I have counted calories and analyzed nutrition facts. I have sworn off sugar, cut out pop, ate more protein, ate fewer carbs. And you know, in college I was thin. I look back at pictures and think “Hey, not bad!” But here’s the kicker: I was never satisfied. No matter how much weight I lost and how toned I got, I never got to that elusive point (that I sinfully think is still out there somewhere) where I think “My body is now exactly how I want it.” Even if I did get to that point, one cheeseburger and it’d all be over.

So the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking about contentment, God’s glory, and my life. I listened to a great sermon by Tim Keller called Splitness about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the Apostle Paul in Romans 7. Keller points out that the commandment that gave Paul the most trouble was the 10th–Thou Shalt Not Covet. This commandment was different than the rest because it dealt with a heart issue and not just behavior. Keller said that the opposite of covetousness is contentment and that if we really had God, if we really understood how loved we were, we would be content.

Then, Travis and I were up hiking near Nederland. And I started thinking about something I read in Comfortable in Your Own Skin: being content with your body is glorifying to God. I had heard John Piper say that the purpose of our possessions is to show how much more precious God is to us than they are. The purpose of my body is to show how much more precious to me God is. It made complete sense: I remind myself to be content without the latest fashions and newest gadgets because God is enough. Being content with my body as it is right now–not because “it’s good enough” but because GOD is good enough–is glorifying to God.

Another thought I had that is weaved into all this is that in Christ, I have been freed from the Law–meaning I am justified on the basis of Christ’s perfection and not my own. Similarly, I have been freed from the law of beauty–being thin. Jesus thinks I’m drop dead gorgeous (to borrow from Greg Stier) because of Christ’s beauty in me. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.

“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Being thin doesn’t compare to experiencing the Father’s steadfast love. His love trumps all.

“All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.”

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Us, homeowners?

25 May

Travis and I drove around and looked at houses again today after having a little BBQ and reading session in a park near our apartment. The first 3-4 houses we looked at were “Eh?” or “Ew!” so we weren’t feeling very optimistic about the houses for sale in our price range. But the last 3-4 houses we looked at were more like “You know, given the right touches and help, this house has some potential” and “I could see us living here.” So we headed home with high spirits and high hopes.

So now the action plan is: prayer. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Travis and I are really asking a lot with the whole house hunting scenario. We want a nice, well-kept home selling for no more than $200K ($175 would be more like it), with a large yard, porch and/or patio/deck, a 2-car garage, a master bedroom w/master bath, and at least one additional bedroom and bathroom. On our “wouldn’t it be nice” list are: vaulted ceilings, open floor plan, lots of storage, big windows, and only minor tweaks needed (like not needing to overhaul the grody outside color of some houses!! honestly, WHAT were some people thinking?!?!?!?) 

In addition to all those requests, we are having our first day of looking at the insides of houses on June 7th. Hopefully, we’ll get to know what we like and don’t like, see what’s on the market, what goes for what price, etc. Then, according to our plan, we have a 2-week window to find a house we like, put an offer down, have it accepted, and set a closing date at the end of July. Some people spend 2-3 months looking at house (or longer!). We have about 2-3 weeks. 🙂

So you can see how we’re asking for a lot…

But God is able and willing to provide. And even when all of life falls into place just how I think it should, God is behind it, orchestrating it all. Even if our house plans don’t fall into place how I “think they should,” God is good and sovereign and has a purpose for everything.

So as we’re driving around looking at houses, and I can feel rising up in me the controlling maniac that wants to run up to the door of a house that I “kinda like” and yell “We’ll take it!”, the same maniac that will throw a fear-based temper tantrum if I see a house I want to put an offer on but Travis doesn’t, I know that I need to ground my heart and trust in the Lord everyday. I need to be a godly woman whose roots are sunk down deep into the truth of the gospel, a woman who doesn’t fear ANYTHING that is frightening (insert John Piper’s voice from his sermon The Beautiful Faith of Fearless Submission).

God will provide. He always does.

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Dethroning my idol of thinness

13 May

My mom mailed me a couple new books this past weekend. I’ve already almost finished one. It was about making peace with your body image from a Christian perspective. It was good. It’s main premise is that once you understand who you are–God’s beloved child, chosen before the foundation of the world and redeemed by Christ on the cross–you will be able to embrace and respect your body as a gift from God. That respect will in turn enable you to care for your body through eating right and exercising instead of punishing and starving it.

It made me realize that Christ died to free me from the world and its unrealistic expectations. Romans 12:2 says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Only by the transformation of my mind through the power of the Gospel will I be able to discover what is good, acceptable, and perfect. It’s not chiseled abs, a small waist, the latest fashions. For a godly woman, it is “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4). The key to accepting my body and respecting it is seeing myself the way God sees me and letting His opinion be the only one that matters.

I am also reading another book that isn’t Christian but I think it will also help me stop obsessing about food, weight, and body image. It’s called Intuitive Eating. The authors pretty much say that by listening to your body’s hunger cues (not bingeing or starving but feeding it when it’s hungry and stopping when it’s full) your body will reach its natural equilibrium. And the best part–you can still eat all your favorite foods!

I have been “practicing” intuitive eating since last fall–except for my month-long detour into calorie counting. It is an amazing feeling to eat dinner, enjoy it, and yet not eat so much that you feel like all you can do afterwards is go lie down. Like last night, after dinner (tacos), I cleaned our apartment. I literally put my dishes in the sink and grabbed the vaccuum. After being a frequent overeater for many years, being able to do this feels great.

I still have a ways to go. I still sometimes tally calories in my head, steer clear of certain “bad” foods, or feel guilty if I eat a decadent dessert. I want to get to a place where eating what my body needs and stopping when I’m full is second-nature and I don’t even have to think about it. I don’t want to obsess about my weight and food for the rest of my life. So much wasted energy!! 

Last night, as I was praying, I asked God to help change my mentality regarding weight and food. I asked Him to make me thankful for all the things that my body can do (like run a half marathon!) and to believe that I am perfect in His eyes–He personally sewed me together in my mother’s womb and hand-chose everything about me. I know that I need His help to change and to stop worshipping the idol of thinness. I’m excited to see His faithfulness at work!

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Ready to give?

10 May

I love Saturdays. I love waking up around 9:00 and getting in the Word for at least 45 minutes. This verse caught my eye as I was doing my Bible reading plan today:

“For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have.” (2 Corinthians 8:12)

Paul is talking about financial giving in this passage but goes on to say that our giving shouldn’t cause us to be burdened while others are eased but that we should give out of our present abundance–our “more than enough.”

I think this verse speaks to what a lot of Christians think about giving, myself included. I have a desire to give, not just financially but with my time and energy. I want to be a relief worker for the American Red Cross or the Peace Corps. I want to cook meals for the homeless, be a friend to the forgotten, and giver to the needy.

But something always stops me. I can always find a reason why “now is not a good time.”

Sometimes it’s practicality. Other times it’s scheduling conflicts. Other times it’s not having enough money. Or being scared. Or being indifferent when the excitement of the idea wears off. Or passing the idea off as a impractical ideal–after all, I’m an adult now with bills and a full-time job, right?

But Paul doesn’t make room for excuses in this verse. He says that if we have the readiness and the desire to give, whatever we have at that moment is acceptable, whether it’s a lot or just a little. I don’t have to wait until the day that I am perfectly set up for giving.

Which is a good eye-opener/reminder for me. I keep thinking about the days when I’ll be a stay-at-home mom. THEN I’ll be able to bake cookies as sweet reminders (no pun intended) for friends and people who are struggling. THEN I’ll be able to volunteer at my local homeless shelter or library or wherever I would volunteer at.

But if I keep making excuses now, when I don’t have any kids and am not involved in many activities, will I ever stop making them? Will I ever be “perfectly set up” for giving and volunteering?

I don’t think so. I think there will always be things to get in the way, things I think I should be doing instead, things that make giving or volunteering seem a little bit impractical and unwise.

But God calls us to trust in Him, not to be wise or practical in our own eyes. He calls us to live bold, fearless lives for Christ, whatever that entails. So if I am not stepping out on a limb, not for lack of a limb but for lack of trust, then I am not living my life in faith. I am stagnating, treading water, waiting for a day that may never come.

So now the hard part: how to put this into practice? I am notorious for good insights and no follow-through. I have found that I like philosophizing much more than I like applying. But evangelism and serving others have been on my heart for quite some time now. This gives me a good launch point into some serious reflection–and if the Lord wills (and enables), some action.

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More than just getting by

30 Apr

I was just listening to the new MercyMe CD–my only CD purchase in the past year–and there is one line in the song “Where I Belong” that really spoke to me. It says:

“Everybody tries
To find the purpose for their life
In hopes that one more day is justified

But once you truly see
The very reason why you breathe
It becomes so much more than getting by.”

That line makes me think back to my high school and college days before I became a Christian. My life was just about getting by. Back then, the lyric that triggered these feelings was from Amy Hit the Atmosphere by Counting Crows. The line said:

“There has to be a change I’m sure
Today was just a day fading into another
And that can’t be what a life is for.”

Humans want meaning! We want purpose! We want someone or something that will give us something to live for, to tell us that our lives are not for nothing and we’re not just wasting our time here.

As I was pondering how my life was before I became a Christian and after, I realized that there are still moments in my walk with God when it feels like I’m just getting by. I’m bracing myself as I go to work for another long, restless day. I brace myself for another tension-filled evening with Travis. I stop thinking about how hard it is to be in Colorado, away from my friends and family who I miss so dearly.

As I was getting in the Word this morning during breakfast, Psalm 97:11 caught my attention. It says:

“Light is sown for the righteous, and joy for the upright in heart.”

Joy is sown for believers. We get joy. It comes standard with the salvation package. The Lord knows that I need reminders like this–like Philippians 4:4 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.” Psalm 97:1 “God rules: there’s something to shout over!”

More than all that, we get joy IN GOD. He is our exceeding joy (Psalm 43:4) and our refuge (Psalm 62:7). He is our praise, our glory, our righteousness, and most importantly, our hope.

“And now, O Lord for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Psalm 42:11

So when those days that seem to never end come, or when it seems that there is no limit to my sinfulness, I can turn away from my circumstances and self to the Perfect One, my Redeemer. In Him, I find hope that my life has meaning. In Him, I find joy in being where I am, doing what I’m doing. Like Zane Black said today in chapel, God has it all planned out–we just need to walk in it.

So I praise you Lord for giving our lives meaning, for revealing what our purpose on earth is…and for making our days about more than just getting by.

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Is this thing still on?

18 Apr

I haven’t done this in a while…I’ve just been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Here’s a recap of everything I’ve done since my last blog post:

1. Went skiing the past 3 Saturdays in a row.

2. Ran 7 miles, then 8, then 9 the past 3 Sundays.

3. Went to the final regular season game between the Avs and the Wild.

4. Went to the Frozen Four–two games last Thursday (4/10) and one on Saturday.

5. Went out to eat at a mongolian grill and then to a wine tasting with a couple from church.

Add to that all the craziness of work and daily life and it has been one busy month! So that’s why I’ve been lax on the blogging.

Here’s a highlight from the past month: My understanding of the Gospel is increasing. I feel like I fell back to the bottom of the ladder of Gospel understanding. I had been a couple rungs off the ground but the past couple months, I was lying flat on my back at the bottom, so out of it I wasn’t even sure there was a ladder. I just had–and am still kind of having–a really hard time grasping the impact of the gospel. I could tell you what the gospel IS but I couldn’t say what it DOES. The effect of the gospel on a human being is mysterious and complicated. And awesome. I guess I’ve been trying to take off the packaging and look at the gears so I could figure out how it worked.

I’ve come a little bit closer to understanding how that works. Here’s my journal entry from this morning:

“When we GET the gospel, when we truly understand God’s love for us, we are able to love and serve selflessly and humbly…because we are LOVED…Boasting in Jesus, His death and resurrection, is boasting in the Gospel. It’s boasting in the love of the Father for me, a sinner. It’s boasting in the fact that I am nothing apart from Christ, that He makes me what I am, and I live in daily dependence on His grace and mercy. It’s boasting that I HAVE A SAVIOR! Boasting in the Gospel naturally eliminates boasting about myself and my accomplishments or anything worldly. Like Paul writes in Galatians 6:14–‘But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world.’

“The Gospel eradicates our need for the world. We are already loved. We already have a secure future. Our desires have already found their satisfaction. We are already validated as human beings. We already have a purpose.

“THESE are the effects of the Gospel that enable us to live humble, selfless, generous lives. This is what allows me to turn the other cheek, to return good for evil, to be patient and gracious in the midst of anger and hostility. Make it REAL to me God! I want to SEE the Gospel transform my life!”

I know the Christian life is one of constant learning. I just didn’t know that I would have to keep learning the same basic stuff over and over again. But I’m seeing it like I have never seen it before. It’s fresh. And exhilarating. And amazing.

Our God is amazing.

 

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What it means to be born again

29 Mar

A couple weeks ago, I went through this period of spiritual doubt. I had a hard time understanding why the Christian life works. Whenever I heard stories about people giving up addictions because Jesus freed them, I thought, “How is Jesus enough for them?” When I hear of people who are going through a rough time of trials and they say they’re hoping in God, I wonder, “How does the knowledge of God aid them in their despair? How is it enough that God is a stronghold? Why does it matter that God cares for me? That I’m released from the bondage of sin? If I’m having a hard day at work and pray to God for strength, how does my prayer really matter? How does it change my circumstances? Why do I need to rely on God? What does relying on God do for me? Is it even possible to do? If I say that I’m relying on God and drawing down strength from Him, does He really do anything for me? Or are those words just a human attempt to make life a little easier, to make hard times a little better, to deceive ourselves that ‘everything is going to work out for our good’ when the dice could really fall either way?”

I guess you could sum up my doubts in one question: “How does my relationship with God affect my life beyond salvation?”

As I was journaling about these thoughts on March 15th, I had been reading Romans 7 where Paul says that we are released from the Law “so that we serve not under the old written code but in the new life of the Spirit.” And as I pondered that verse, I realized that the key to the Christian life, the thing that makes it “work,” is the Spirit. Without the Spirit, I am the same person before and after conversion. But with the Spirit, I am changed. “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”

My mind was comforted after that revelation given to me through none other than the Spirit. But what brought this again to my attention was something Pastor John Piper said in his sermon called The New Birth Produces Love. This is what he said: “As we enter Holy Week, the aspect of the new birth that I want us to focus on is the fact that new birth creates the connection between God’s love for us and our love for each other. If anyone ever asks, How does the fact that God loves you result in your loving others? The answer is: the new birth creates that connection. The new birth is the act of the Holy Spirit connecting our dead, selfish hearts with God’s living, loving heart so that his life becomes our life and his love becomes our love.”

When I heard Piper say that, it validated my personal Bible study. I wasn’t deluding myself with soothing words and vain hopes. This is true and real. My nature really is changed after conversion and I am enabled to do things I couldn’t do before. The Spirit empowers me to live for Christ, to desire God, to conquer sin, to be loving, to desire godly, eternal things over worldly, temporal things.

This is the hope that we have in Christ: “In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.” (Ephesians 1: 13-14)

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My idol of thinness

26 Mar

Since my senior year of high school, I have struggled with my weight, body image, and eating habits. Growing up, I was a naturally thin child. I didn’t watch what I ate because I just didn’t think about it. I ate what and how much I wanted and stopped when I was full. It was very simple. I was always a little conscious about my stomach–my biological makeup just deposits more fat there than other places of my body. When I was on danceline in high school, a lot of the girls on my team practiced in just their sports bras. I always wore a shirt. I was always concerned about my stomach at the beach.

But my senior year, one of my good friends starting eating only salads and lost a lot of weight. She didn’t look gross but she was thin. Then my boyfriend at the time went away for the whole summer to be a camp counselor. I didn’t have much going on since I was only working part-time at a drugstore/gift shop. So I started counting calories and exercising everyday (I had never intentionally exercised in highschool but had danceline practice 3 days a week and performances on the weekend). I lost some weight but when I got to college, everything went out the window.

My freshman year of college was characterized mostly by weed and munchies. My roommate Hope and I ate so much food when we got the munchies that sometimes we felt like we couldn’t breathe, we were so full. I never exercised (unless you count walking to class). Needless to say, I gained about 20 pounds, which put me at 155. About the middle of second semester, I decided I wanted to stop eating so much and start exercising (my lifestyle had become unenjoyable). That summer, I started running outside. At first, I could only run one pathetic block. By the fall, I could run 3 miles (on the treadmill).

My sophomore year was when my calorie-counting obsession really took off. I still was smoking weed so I still got the munchies. But during the day, I limited my calories to about 1,200. I went to bed so hungry sometimes that I couldn’t sleep because of the hunger pangs. How I ever did that, I have no idea. I ran on the treadmill at the Rec Center, often admonishing myself for a binge the night before due to weed. I lost all the weight that I had gained my freshman year. My desire to be thin became an obsession and was spurred on by the attention I got from guys.

The next summer, I studied abroad in Venezuela for a month and a half. Pretty much all the food I ate over there went straight through me. So I lost some more weight–getting down to 125. I have realized in the past couple years that for me, that weight is only maintainable when my food ends up in the toilet 30 minutes after I eat it. And that is not a fun life. In Venezuela, I became a Christian. But there were other issues more urgent than my body image–things like sex, alcohol and drugs. So it took a backseat.

I still clung to my idol of thinness throughout my junior year of college, even though the rest of my life changed dramatically. I stopped having sex. I stopped drinking and partying. I finally stopped smoking weed. My binges did not exist anymore but there were still days when I only ate 800 calories out of a desire to be thin. Finally, I recognized in my desire to be thin a desire to be sexy and get attention from guys.

My senior year, I let up on my physical regimen. I felt happy with my weight and treated myself to high-calorie food often. I worked at Noodles and Company the fall of my senior year. Between eating their food and not exercising much, I gained about 10 pounds. None of my pants fit anymore and I felt like a fat blob. I started exercising again and eating healthy. Some of the weight came off but I stayed around 145 for that whole summer.

When I got back from Summer Beach Project (in Myrtle Beach), I started running again. My roommates decided that they were going to train for a 10-mile race, so I joined them. Running was good for me. It kept me on schedule and I really enjoyed it. Because of my increase in appetite, I didn’t lose much weight. But I was in the best shape of my life.

Then, the day before New Year’s Eve, Travis proposed. With the biggest day of my life finally on the calendar, I started eating sensibly. I passed up dessert at my workplace and didn’t eat when I wasn’t hungry–even when people brought free food into work. I abstained from Doughnut Monday. I kept running and weight training as much as I could. And on our wedding day, I was very pleased with how I looked.

I started counting calories again the summer after Travis and I got married. He was gone for 2 weeks in Ghana, Africa, and I passed the time without him (much like that summer before college) by counting calories and exercising. I didn’t lose any weight.

Then we moved to Colorado at the end of August. We hiked a lot when we first got out here and I stopped counting calories. I kept running, though the altitude and hills made running even 2 miles a challenge. I listened to my body’s hunger cues and ate healthy foods. We bought a scale in mid-October and lo and behold, I had lost 10 pounds!

Over the holidays, I ate sensibly and didn’t stuff myself. When I got back to CO, I weighed myself and I had actually lost a pound! But soon after that, I started counting calories again. It started off as an education tool–to get an idea of how many calories I was eating every day. But it became an idol. I was pursuing eating healthy and exercising for my own glory–to lose weight and look good. God didn’t factor into the equation at all.

I went back to MN for my grandpa’s funeral and ate way too much while I was there. I was feeling fat and disappointed in myself but Lindsay, my brother’s girlfriend, told me I looked great and like I had been running a lot, so that made me feel better. But now I have gotten to the point that I don’t want to continue this crazy cycle.

I am sick of eating and exercising and the fear of getting fat (and conversely, the desire to be thin) ruling my life. The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12 “All things are lawful, but not all things are beneficial. All things are lawful for me but I will not be enslaved by anything.” I will not be enslaved by my desire to be thin!! As I was reading the Word last night, I saw that my desire to take care of my body should come out of a desire to glorify God in everything I do (1 Cor. 10:31) and to treat my body like the temple of the Holy Spirit that it is (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

I have this vision for my life of eating: that I would be so satisfied in God that food would be a secondary pleasure (rightly so). Overeating is a small attempt at filling a void–being so consumed with physical pleasure that reason is trumped and impulse reigns. Often, my decisions regarding food are made according to my fleshly desires, not my Spirit. But Romans 13:14 says “Put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” So I am waging war against my idol of thinness. I am no longer counting calories and I am seeking to be mindful of God’s glory–and seeking to not be mindful of my own–when eating and exercising. I will listen to my body and treat it with respect. After all, it is a holy temple. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me (Galatians 2:20). Therefore, I will not starve or gorge my body but I will give it what it needs. And I will echo the words of my Savior in Proverbs 4:7–“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.”

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Shoddy

21 Mar

Wednesday night, I read my usual readings for the Bible reading plan I’m doing. In Deuteronomy, the Israelites were repeatedly commanded to love the LORD their God with all their heart, with all their soul, and with all their mind. That is a big command. The Israelites were to love God with every fiber of their being, with every breath, thought, and action they had throughout every day. It reminds me of Romans 12:1-2, where Paul talks about offering our bodies (and really, our lives) as living sacrifices to God.

The whole thing convicted me that right now, I’m not living like that. I don’t desire God, I don’t pursue Him, and I don’t seek to live every second of my life for His glory. It sorrows me. But it also brings me hope because I know that through the power of the Holy Spirit, I can get back to the place where I do desire God. I see how I have been being shoddy with God, giving Him my old couches instead of my best, as Pastor Rob Kelly says. I have let everything else in my life take prioirity over God. I have read the assigned readings mostly so that I could check them off my list, not out of a deep desire to know God deeper and more intimately.

So I am going to make a conscious decision to put God first. No more waiting until the last minute to read at night. No more putzing around on the Internet during my lunch break instead of reading. My heart and mind used to soak up knowledge like a sponge. Now it has gone numb through message boards and emails. I long for the days when my passion for God was so intense that I felt it in my soul. I always think of the heroes of the faith like Elisabeth Elliott, John Calvin, Darlene Deibler Rose and Oswald Chambers. How they desired the Lord! I want to desire the Lord like they do.

As I was praying Wednesday night, this song came into my head. This is my prayer for my soul and life right now:

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Jesus, give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Chorus:

To know and follow hard after You
To grow as Your disciple in the truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing You, my Lord
So lead me on and I will run after You
Lead me on and I will run after You

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A heavenly country

20 Feb

Everyone has their own interpretation of heaven. Some people think that it’s an endless expanse of sky with white puffy clouds and nothing to do but play harps and eat Philadelphia cream cheese. Others think that heaven doesn’t exist at all. Once you leave earth, there’s nothing. Or maybe they think that heaven is part of earth, like the white sandy beaches of the Cayman Islands. Some people might think heaven is whatever you loved on earth all together in one place, like in the movie What Dreams May Come.

But for Christians, it’s none of those things. Instead, it’s a city where the streets are gold and there are no lamps and no sun; nevertheless, it is always day because the light of the Lamb reaches to all places. It’s the presence of God, intimate and forever. It’s no longer having sinful flesh but rather, gloriously resurrected bodies. It is perfection beyond any human expectation or imagination.

That’s what I have to look forward to. That’s what makes my life here on earth worth living and indeed, worth enduring. Even though my daily troubles seem puny compared to the human suffering I hear and read about–like just tonight, I read about female genital mutilation in countless third world countries–my life wouldn’t be worth living if I didn’t have such an end. I am always confounded by those who don’t believe that anything happens when we die. My roommate in college believed that. What do we have to live for if there is nothing after this life?

Moreover, if the glorious new earth described in the book of Revelations is not true, and if Jesus Christ did not die and rise again for the forgiveness of sins, we who are Christians have nothing to live for either. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15: “…if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins.” Christians–and I believe all people–need something to live for beyond this life. For “…If in this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all people to be pitied,” because this life is hard and messy.

I have felt that truth about life living out in Colorado. I love my job and the people we’ve met and I’m with my wonderful husband. So I have a lot to be thankful for. But I miss my friends more than anything. Humans were made for community. Not just Christians but humans in general. I believe that God designed us to need each other. So leaving behind my very best friends has been very hard.

I feel at times like Travis and I are going through life alone, just the two of us vs. the Great Big World. It may be because when we became Christians 4 years ago, the first Body of believers we plugged into was a group fully bought into the value of discipleship. We had the importance of one-on-ones and intentional relationships drummed into our heads day after day. And I loved it. I loved being in a discipleship group and meeting once a week with a group of my girlfriends. We talked about boys, bodily functions, random things, and the Bible. We related our insecurities, our longings, our struggles, our joys and successes. I felt so close to those girls, not only because we shared the bond of the Spirit but because they bared their hearts to me and I to them.

But out here, I have not found this. I have met some great women through our church that I am excited to get to know. But it seems that the potential of that deep relationship forming is small when we only get together once every other week and everyone has husbands, kids, and full-time jobs. It looked different as a college student in a campus ministry.

So I have been delighted by the reminder of my real home: heaven. C. S. Lewis writes in his book The Great Divorce, “I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernel of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in the ‘High Countries.'” The fellowship I so desire, the bridge over the gap in human intimacy and vulnerability, will be waiting for me in heaven. And more than that, it will be beyond expectation: all believers will be together in perfect union as we worship and adore the Lamb of God forever.

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