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Fighting against what I need

18 May

Yesterday, Emma had a rough afternoon. After feeding her around 11:30, I put her in the Baby Bjorn and went on a walk to a nearby ‘lake’ with her and the pooches.

She fell asleep on our walk and I contemplated whether I should take her out when I got home or leave her be. I decided to leave her and started making lunch. She woke up. Crap. She had only been asleep for 20 minutes.

That was 12:30. She didn’t stay asleep until 3:00. She ‘fell asleep’ countless times during those 2.5 hours. I shushed her, bounced her, swaddled her, fed her, changed her, tried her in the Baby Bjorn again. But the minute I stopped bouncing or shushing, her little eyes would pop open, her little mouth turn down and she’d start wailing.

My frustration grew. Why did she keep fighting the very thing she needed most? Being overtired was what was making her so miserable. She just needed to surrender!

I also felt completely discouraged that nothing I did made Emma happy. It breaks my heart to hear her cry until her throat is raw and see her little face as red as a tomato. I would do anything to help her.

In the midst of my temptation to lose hope, I was reminded by the Spirit that I should pray and ask God to help me. I should crawl to the cross and lay my burdens there, “to receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.”

But I didn’t want to. I wanted to stew in my pain and despair. I wanted to be mad at God for it being so hard with Emma every day that I actually dread her waking up. I dread myself waking up. I live in a constant state of feeling like I’m holding on by a single strand of thread.

I knew that pouring out my heart to God was the exact thing I needed. My own stubbornness and self-pity was creating my misery.

Then I realized… I’m exactly like Emma. Fighting against what I need. And God looks at me with His heart breaking, longing to help me, to instill His hope in me, to prove His love for me. But I fight it. And for what?

I was humbled. And just as Emma finally succumbed to sleep, I went on a drive and poured out my fears, hopes and thanksgiving to the One who is faithful and sovereign over all.

That wasn’t the last time Emma will need sleep – or fight it. And I’m sure I’ll need the reminder again of my willfulness. But luckily, God is patient and lavishes me with blessings and grace I don’t deserve – or even ask for.

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Trusting God in Pregnancy

29 Jan

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Yesterday, I talked about the physical discomforts of being pregnant but I think one of the biggest challenges of pregnancy is not letting my mind run wild with scary possibilities. We’ve all heard stories and known women who have experienced loss, and it’s hard not to freak out about every little change or thing that is probably normal, but might not be.

When I first got pregnant, I thought that I would feel more peaceful once I was out of that first trimester window of risk. But no, I still found things to worry about.

Just recently, I had some bleeding and while it stopped on its own and Emma continued kicking around in my belly, I called and talked to a nurse (a week later) at my OB office. She was very concerned and wondered why I hadn’t called earlier. She said that she would feel better if I came in on Monday instead of on Friday, which was when my next appointment was. In the meantime, I should avoid exercise and the activity that caused the bleeding. She was very nice, and I wasn’t too concerned about it.

But then I was watching TV one night and Emma wasn’t kicking around like she usually does. I timed her kicks and technically, I felt her move 10 times in less than an hour, but some of those kicks were really weak… could I count those? What if she wasn’t ok?

Another night, I went to bed and felt nothing. No kicks. Emma always kicks as I go to bed! And my mind started racing with all kinds of very unproductive and worst-case-scenario thoughts. But I woke up in the middle of the night to her doing her standard karate chopping, so she really was fine.

I had my appointment on Monday and sure enough, everything was fine. There is an explanation for the bleeding (I won’t go into detail here) but it’s nothing to be worried about. And Emma seems to be fine – her heart rate is normal, movement is normal and good overall, I’m measuring right on track, etc. So all of that worrying for nothing. (The doctor did have me schedule another ultrasound for next Monday, just to be sure there’s not another explanation.)

Another day at work, I was just sitting at my desk and all of a sudden had horrible shooting/stabbing pain in my pelvis and belly. Like so bad I couldn’t stand up straight. It came and went for about 30 minutes. And because I hadn’t felt Emma move much throughout the morning, my mind started racing with thoughts of preterm labor and having to have a c-section at not even 30 weeks. After eating something and going to the bathroom, it got better for the most part, but I still called the nurse because Emma still wasn’t moving much. The nurse said told me to drink something sugary and lay down for an hour to count Emma’s kicks. And that as long as the pain went away and the baby was moving enough, they didn’t usually worry too much. I left work early to work from home for the afternoon and sure enough, after a glass of OJ and laying on the couch, Emma was fine. (I’ve since had more belly pains like that and I guess it’s just things stretching out down there? It’s definitely not pleasant, whatever it is! I also assume Emma wasn’t moving a ton because she was exhausted from storing up her little baby fat!)

Pregnancy continues to remind me of how not in control of things I am. I can research and worry and overthink and panic until I’m blue in the face, but what do I change with all of that? I only manage to destroy my own peace.

What I really need to do is trust God – and acknowledge that God has given me this gift of pregnancy and motherhood freely, unmerited, and I must hold it with open hands.  That’s where having an eternal perspective is critical – it reminds me that this life isn’t “it”. I can wholly surrender all of my dreams and expectations, including motherhood, because a better life is coming. And there are purposes to things that happen here that are bigger than we can presently understand.

I go back to my theme verse – “The meek shall obtain fresh joy in the LORD.” Being meek means accepting all things, even the hard ones, from God’s hand. It means not demanding that things go a certain way. I’m not saying that’s easy to do, because it’s not. But if I really want joy, real joy, I must fight to surrender.

So I’m praying for wisdom to know if/when something really is wrong, and for peace to trust that God is good and loving, no matter what happens.

Do you have a hard time trusting God for anything in your life?

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Goal for 2013: Thanksgiving

17 Jan

gratitudeI’ve been thinking about the year ahead and what I want to focus on, and I keep coming back to Thanksgiving. Since reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp a year ago, I have seen what an amazing difference being thankful for God’s blessings makes in my experience of joy.

It keeps me focused on What Is, instead of What Should Be.

It reminds me that because of God’s intimate involvement in my life, my cup can always be full.

It satisfies me with God’s goodness (Jeremiah 31:14).

It enables me to love and serve others from a place of abundance and contentment, giving new meaning to ‘natural overflow.’

It highlights the grace that God provides even in hard situations and challenges.

It turns to me the ultimate thing to be thankful for, the reason why I have God’s favor and not His wrath – Christ’s death in my place and resurrection to eternal life.

Despite of all these benefits, it’s hard to remember to give thanks. Left to my own devices, I always run back to being consumed with The Way Things Should Be, which is really just me saying that The Ways Things Are isn’t good enough. Whether those ideas of ‘should’ are born from discontent with all that God freely gives, or an attempt to make my life conform more to the Christian ideal, they all lead to the same place: Guilt. Condemnation. Bondage.

Giving thanks for the reality of life is the freedom from that.

In giving thanks, I recognize God’s sovereignty in my life. I rest in the knowledge that He has created me to be who I am, given me the life that I have and provides sufficient grace for all that He calls me to. Who am I to say that things should be different?

Really, thanksgiving paves the path to contentment in God, and enables the full living of life in the moment, no matter what that reality entails.

So to practice thanksgiving regularly in 2013, I’m taking Ann Voskamp’s idea of writing down 1,000 gifts and tweaking it a bit.

My one goal is to write down one thing each day that I thank God for.

I plan to write it down at the end of the day or first thing the next morning, when I can reflect back on the day and be reminded of the ways God blessed me.

“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer.” (1 Timothy 4:4-5)

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Choosing Joy in Exhaustion

19 Dec

snoozeMy blog has kind of turned into a weekly pregnancy update and nothing more. What can I say? I would love to blog. I have time to blog. But I have nothing to blog about. The only reason why I blog once a week is because of the whole “counting down the weeks” thing. Otherwise, my brain is useless.

I partly blame being tired. For the past week or two, I get up early enough to spend some time reading the Bible but my mind just won’t engage. I zone out in front of my open Bible until I concede that it’s useless and either start getting ready early or use that time to take a mini nap. (Usually the latter.) I finally understand what it feels like to not be a morning person. You stumble around in a half-conscious daze for the first three hours you’re out of bed. By noon, you feel mostly normal.

When I’m tired, I let everything slide. Making the bed sounds like too much work. Cooking dinner – too much work. I have energy for one thing and one thing only: doing nothing. Even the things that I enjoy doing and am always glad for doing later, are still thrown out the window with the excuse, “But I’m sooooo tired.” 

I know you’re probably thinking, “She’s totally screwed when she actually has her baby.” I’ve had that same thought. And that has spurred me to the realization that I need to learn how to live tired. Not survive tired. Not make it through another day tired. LIVE tired.

As a human, I love comfort. I love ease. I run from struggle, challenge and difficulty (unless its one I have intentionally chosen, like running a marathon). Being tired brings this all into the forefront because it’s a constant “I don’t like this!” feeling. My natural tendency is to focus all my available energy on wishing I wasn’t tired and to heck with the rest.

But I don’t want to look back on any time in my life and see that I sacrificed all of my priorities because I was tired. I don’t want to wish away the first months of my daughter’s life with longing to not be tired. That’s allowing my circumstances to dictate my response. It’s me playing the self-pity card and refusing to contemplate anyone else’s needs but mine. It’s a waste of life.

As I thought about this Monday on my way to work, I was brought back yet again to this:

“Life change happens when we accept life with thanks and ask for nothing to change.” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)

I can acknowledge that operating with insufficient sleep is challenging. It is challenging. But like with any other circumstance, I can rise above it and refuse to let it have the final say. I can determine my attitude instead of allowing my circumstances to do so. But it won’t just happen – I have to be intentional. With every moment, I have the option to choose ease or to choose joy.

I CHOOSE JOY.

And maybe an afternoon nap.

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Repost: The Passion of Christmas

6 Dec

I’ve been listening to Christmas songs on KOSI 101.1 and discovered that I absolutely LOVE Josh Groban. Normally, I hate vibrato in singing (like opera) but he has an amazing voice. I can’t get over it. Anyway, a song they play a lot is his version of O Holy Night. And every time it comes on, I turn it up and just soak in the lyrics. In my opinion, it is one of the best songs ever written – because it captures the meaning of Christmas so succinctly AND has an amazing chorus. I included the lyrics below.

While I was writing about Christmas song lyrics, I thought I’d repost my thoughts about Christmas from last year. Enjoy.

First posted December 24, 2011

I love listening to Christmas music – not just because it puts me in the Christmas mood, but also because it floods my heart with the meaning of Christmas. This year, I am captivated by the passion behind historical Christmas hymns. The authors of these songs exhort us to adore Christ, fall on our knees before Him, and praise His name forever. They write of a world, weary under the burden of sin and guilt, that sees a new day, filled with hope, dawn with the birth of a simple babe. The Savior has come, the catalyst of God’s plan of redemption.

I like to imagine what it would have been like the night Jesus was born. Four hundred years had passed since God has spoken to His people. But God had promised a Messiah, a Redeemer. All of Israel was waiting for the Christ. And on that night in a little town of Bethlehem, a town “too little to be among the clans of Judah,” the long-awaited Messiah was born. Humble shepherds were at work in the field, watching their flocks in the moonlight, straining to stay awake. All of a sudden, they were blinded by “the glory of the Lord” and an angel told them,

“Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord…”

So what did they do? They went “with haste” to where the angel had indicated – to Bethlehem to find a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. This is what I find interesting: the Bible doesn’t say anything about them locking their sheep up first, or arranging for their care, or one of them staying behind. It seems that they just leave their flocks in the open field because they are so amazed and excited about what they were just told.

Does that go against common sense? Do I doubt that’s what actually happened?

Yes, because it seems so impractical, so irresponsible. I am challenged – what would I have done in that situation? Would I have been so consumed with responsibilities and practical concerns that I would think it foolish to abandon all and sit at my Savior’s feet? Would I be so captivated by Christ’s coming that I’d be willing to drop everything – abandon even my livelihood – and seek Him?

It’s easy to rest when there’s nothing pressing, nothing urgent. It’s easy to take a moment to breath when life’s tight grip on your schedule relaxes for an hour. But what about resting and breathing in the midst of the chaos? That’s what Christ came to bring us – His rest, a deep soul rest that can’t be touched by circumstances. What does it mean to have a deep soul rest in Christ?

Embracing the messiness of being human. Jesus Himself was born in a stinky stable surrounded by loud animals (not the serene night of perfect harmony pictured above). He slept on itchy, pokey hay and grew up as a pretty normal kid. Christ didn’t just experience what it meant to be human during His ministry. He lived his whole life as a human. He grew up with brothers and sisters as a human. He learned to walk, to talk, to laugh. He loved, he cried, he gave. “In every way he was tempted just as we are, yet without sin.” I love how Jesus embraced humanity – not just by becoming a baby (though that was big enough) but by also engaging in life. He wasn’t just alive – He lived. He didn’t view the basics of human existence as beneath Him – rather, He embraced those constraints. Instead of them getting in His way, He turned them into a source of blessing.

And all this, when He was the Son of God, the Most High, the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, Author of Creation.

Pondering these truths, how can your heart not fill to bursting with the truth of Christmas?

O Holy Night (sung by Josh Groban)

O holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
Of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear’d and the soul felt His worth
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine

Chains shall He break
For the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy
In grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise His holy name
Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise Thee
Noël, Noël
Oh night, Oh night divine
Noël, Noël
Oh night, Oh night divine
Noël, Noël
Oh, oh night, oh night divine

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Surrender + Reality

7 Nov

I’ve been reading “When the Game Is Over, It All Goes Back in the Box” by John Ortberg and I really liked this:

Surrender is not passivity or abdication. It is saying yes to God and life each day. It is accepting the gifts he has given me — my body, my mind, my biorhythms, my energy. It is letting go of my envy or desire for what he has given someone else. It is letting go of outcomes that in reality I cannot accept anyway. I surrender my ambitions, my dreams, my money, my relationships, my marital status, my time, and my desires to God.

Surrender means I accept reality…

Surrender means giving up ultimate mastery of my life…

“Only if one experiences that God is good is it possible to surrender to him unconditionally one’s whole heart, soul, and being.”

I’ve been thinking lately how the gospel enables us to fully acknowledge reality. Instead of trying to convince myself that I’m a good person by turning a blind eye to all the bad things I’ve done, I can face them head-on and accept that I’m not a good person on my own. I can acknowledge that I’m not everything I want to be — and rest there. I can be content in who I am and not strive to be someone I’m not. I can trust that God has ordained this moment, this day, this life for me — that I didn’t somehow miss the memo that He had planned for me to be a missionary in Zimbabwe instead of a marketing copywriter in Denver. When we truly believe that everything we have and are is from God, we can stop questioning, worrying and comparing.

Tim Keller has an amazing (free!) sermon (and now, a short book based on it) called Blessed Self-Forgetfulness. I found a CD of old sermons that I’ve been listening to in the car during my commute and that sermon was on it. Keller talks about how everyday, as humans with fragile egos, we’re in the courtroom. All of our actions are either stamping evidence for the prosecutor or the defense. The case being decided is: Am I a good person? Am I valuable? Am I important? Am I loved?

Because Christ went to trial for me, and was unjustly accused and put to death in my place, I can leave the courtroom. Court is adjourned. The verdict is in. And that verdict is:

Righteous.

“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (1 Corinthians 5:21).

What does that mean? It means God finds no fault with me. That I am perfect, holy and eternally valuable in His eyes. It means the Father loves me with the same love He has for Jesus Himself.

Keller uses the Apostle Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 4 to make the point, it doesn’t matter what other people think about me. It doesn’t even matter what I think about me. Only God’s opinion matters. And He says I’m righteous in Christ.

That is why I can accept the full reality of my life. Because in Christ, the reality is I am holy and I am loved.

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The things left undone

2 Nov

Ever since finding out I was pregnant back at the beginning of August, I’ve been learning one main lesson: how to find joy when life’s a mess. I had been learning this lesson before then too but there’s nothing like pregnancy exhaustion to take the wind out of your sails and fast (ok, well, maybe new mother exhaustion).

After years of being a morning person, I am back to setting and resetting my alarm clock to the latest possible time I can get up and still make it to work on time. And that’s even after getting 9 hours of sleep.

I feel accomplished on a weeknight if I do anything except walk in the door and plop on the couch. Making dinner, walking the dogs or doing laundry are big wins.

Though I would still describe myself as a person who loves to be active, you’d never guess it by what my weeks look like.

Many of the ambitious goals I set up for myself at the beginning of the year have been left in the wake of another goal’s fulfillment – getting pregnant. That would include working on my nonfiction book. (Another side effect of not being a morning person anymore.)

I don’t like the feeling of being behind. Of having so many things I would like to do but am not doing. Of spending so many days not being productive. God knows that I have used productivity like a safety blanket in the past. A way of reassuring myself that I am valuable, I’m doing something worthwhile, I’m in control.

So I’ve accepted this season as a very practical challenge from God to learn to let things go. (I know this lesson will come in handy when our baby is born as well.) No, I’m not accomplishing everything I’d like to. No, I’d rather not spend an entire weeknight on the couch doing nothing. But when I come home from work and have ZERO energy, or life is keeping me busy with just staying afloat, that’s the reality. And I can still find contentment and joy amid all the things left undone.

I recognize that there is a balance between legitimate rest and laziness, and it’s tough to maintain. Most mornings I reset my alarm out of laziness, and then regret it later. But instead of letting that shortcoming inspire a feeling of failure in me for the whole day or week (like I used to), I pray. I tell God that I didn’t do what I wanted to do and ask for His help to change. I want to get up early to read the Bible and work on my book. I want to exercise after work instead of watching TV. But I also want to give myself grace, like God gives grace. He doesn’t berate me when I fail. He just offers another chance.

I wrote this about a year ago and it is still 100% the reminder I need:

God is more realistic about my abilities than I am. Like QuatroMama writes in this post, I tend to set up my own (perfectionist) standards and then beat myself up when I fall short.

But God is realistic. “For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”He doesn’t ask me to be Mega Woman. He understands that I only have so many minutes in a day and if I spend time doing this thing, I don’t have time for that thing. If I’m exhausted and want to veg instead of clean, He doesn’t accuse me of laziness and not being productive, like I do to myself. Unlike me, He is full of grace, understanding, and patience.

This is where the Gospel makes all the difference. The Gospel allows us to admit that we fall short of what we wish we were, but reassures us that we’re loved anyway. And God’s love for us isn’t despite how we’ve disappointed Him, or failed to live up to His standard. Because when He sees us in Christ, He sees perfect beings. We are completely and utterly righteous in His eyes.“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us.”

He doesn’t mutter “I love you” through gritted teeth while trying to not be mad over all the things we’ve done wrong. God’s love abounds for us. He lavishly pours out grace upon grace into our lives with delight.

In the words of John Piper, remind yourself, “I am holy and I am loved.” Even when life is messy.

I may not be accomplishing everything I want to accomplish today, but that’s ok. I truly believe that God would rather I learn to live in the freedom of grace and knowing I’m loved by Him no matter what, than cross things off my to-do list. This world is temporary; only the eternal things truly matter.

How do you find joy amid the things left undone?

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God’s will, right now

7 Aug

I’m reading a really good book right now called He Leadeth Me, written by Walter Ciszek, an American Jesuit Father who was captured by the Russians during WWII, convicted of being a Vatican spy and spent 23 years in Soviet prisons and labor camps of Siberia. I wanted to share this passage from his book because it is so good.

Background: Teplaya-Gora was the labor camp Walter and a friend, also a Jesuit priest, had gone to in Russia, with the hopes that they could minister to the workers who were also migrating from Poland. But they soon discovered that no one would talk to them about religion at all because they were too scared of the Soviets.

 

Be encouraged to embrace This Day Now, whatever it entails, knowing that God is at work always for your ultimate and eternal good.

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Nevertheless…

2 Aug

For the past week or so, I’ve been encouraged to pray like Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane: honest, vulnerable, submissive.

Jesus asked his Father, “If you are willing, let this cup pass from me.” Even in making this raw, human request borne of fear and pain, Jesus did not sin.

Because he immediately followed it with, “Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done.”

It’s in that ‘Nevertheless’ that the Lord has been calling me to live lately. He’s shown me that being submissive to His will doesn’t mean not having desires and plans of my own. It means submitting to His will over mine. He’s also shown me that often, I don’t want to have desires and plans of my own because I wonder, “What if they don’t happen? I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Praying like Jesus means letting my desires, passions, dreams, and longings burn without being stifled. Living raw and vulnerable, knowing that I could get hurt and things could turn out differently than I request. Asking anyway. Trusting that no matter what happens, God always brings good out of bad, nothing can quench His love for me and He is more than sufficient for every need.

It’s actually a good thing that God doesn’t always grant us our requests. If He had granted Jesus his request, we would not have a Savior. It’s a comforting thought that even if I pray these prayers of desire and surrender and am left with God’s will instead of my own, even if His will looks horrible and hurtful and filled with pain, He has a purpose. God bends all of this world’s fallenness and all of Satan’s moves into His own purposes. He wins.

“My God in his steadfast love will meet me. He will let look in triumph upon my enemies.”

“This God, his way is perfect – the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield to all those who take refuge in him.”

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Waiting with My Heart Exposed

19 Jul

One more post before resuming the posts about our trip to Alaska…

So I’ve mentioned before that I went off birth control and we are trying to get pregnant this year…

Now that the marathon is over, it could happen anytime.

OR it could take a while.

It’s that limbo, that waiting and not knowing, that excitement and anticipation and longing and hoping and wanting it to happen right now so I can start decorating the nursery already…

That’s hard.

I already see that whether the road to pregnancy is long or short, it will be difficult. I can be a tad impatient about big things like this. Which is why looking for houses in Minnesota “just cuz” is dangerous for me. I am constantly tempted to see something I love and panic because we need to get our house on the market and sell it NOW so we can buy that house before someone else buys it first! 

God’s faithfulness reminds me to take a step back and breathe. Remember Truth.

“This God, his way is perfect – the word of the LORD proves true.”

When I was involved in Campus Outreach in college, a common phrase we girls used when talking about boys and dating/marriage was “Guard your heart.” And I got to thinking this morning what that actually means, and how it applies to this situation too. Here are my thoughts:

“Guard your heart” is a call to live in the moment. Instead of waiting for That Day When, you embrace the reality of This Day Now. You offer God the sacrifice of thanksgiving for this day being what it is, right now, and deem it Enough.

In Psalm 118, the psalmist writes, “This is the LORD’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” I don’t think that those two verses occurring together is a coincidence. You could rephrase it: “This day is the LORD’s doing. It is marvelous in our eyes. Let us rejoice and be glad in his creation of this moment.”

Yes, sometimes it feels like you have to search high and low for the things to be thankful for. But they’re there. And the more we train ourselves to look for them, the more we see.

Faith is not easily won. It is fought for. But we can count it all joy, for the glory to be revealed far surpasses the fight.

So I will not dampen my excitement, or pour myself into something else to be distracted from my heart’s desires. I will sit at the foot of the throne, heart exposed, waiting for God’s faithfulness to prove true, however and whenever.

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