Not for a Moment

15 Aug

I’m in love with the song “Not for a Moment” by Meredith Andrews right now. It is just such a great reminder that there is a reality bigger than what I can see in the current moment – and that reality is God’s constancy, goodness and sovereignty. Even when it doesn’t feel like He’s near or things are getting better, I can have faith that He has never and will never forsake me.

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water,
Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a thousand miles away.
Not for a moment, did You forsake me.
Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise.
Even when I could not hear.
I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show,
Not for a moment did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

And every step, every breath You are there.
Every tear, every cry, every breath.
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Even in the dark, even when it’s hard
You will never leave me
After all

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

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Back to Work: How It’s Going

10 Aug

I’ve made it through 2 weeks of being back at work so far (a total of 6 days) and like I mentioned in my last post, things are going really well so far.

My two main concerns going into this change were: 1) being able to pump enough milk and 2) Emma taking good enough naps to not ruin her night sleep. I’m happy to report that both of those things are going as well as I had hoped!

First, milk. My work has a mother’s room that is only about a 1-minute walk from my office, which is great. It has 2 tables, a bunch of outlets, a fridge, microwave, cabinets, and a sink. I pump 3 times a day (usually around 10, 1 and 4) for a total of about 15 minutes. With the walk, setup, cleanup and pumping time, it probably takes about 20 minutes total. I’m paid hourly now that I’m only part-time, so I go in 30 minutes early to offset the time I spend pumping (and I figure I get at least an on-the-clock 15 minute break by law so I think it’s working out ok). I don’t have a laptop so sometimes I bring work that I can easily print off (like emails or presentations to review) but most of the time, I just count it as non-work time and read blogs or a book. (I’m currently reading Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan. If you like his stand-up comedy, you’d like the book!)

I had discussed my fears about not having enough milk with one of my friends who had gone back part-time after having her kids and she suggested I take a Go-Lacta Malunggay supplement. She said that it had helped her produce so much extra milk, she actually became engorged. So I figured, what the heck, it’s worth a shot. You can take 2-3 capsules 3 times a day but I’m only taking 1 a day, since I wanted to avoid having WAY too much milk. And I think it’s working. Each time I pump, I get 4 oz, sometimes 5 (total). Before I started taking the supplement, I was pumping only about 3 each time. Regardless of the explanation, I’m relieved that milk hasn’t been an issue so far.

So I bring my breast pump in a bag, and 3 empty bottles in a bottle cooler over to the mother’s room for my first pumping, and I leave them there until my last pumping. I use the 3 bottles I fill each day for the next day. I have been freezing the bottles from Thursday since I thought the milk could only be in the fridge for 72 hours before using or freezing, but I just read that 5 days is acceptable, so I guess I might just leave them in the fridge from now on.

Anyway, I ended up buying a pumping bra and I’m very glad that I did. Not only is it nice to have both hands free while pumping, it has been nice for modesty too, since there is almost always another woman in the mother’s room pumping too.

Second, naps. Emma has taken probably only 5 or 6 naps longer than 45 minutes on her own for me in her life. But at Charlotte’s house, she’ll take at least nap longer than an hour a day, sometimes two. Sometimes she even sleeps 2 hours! I’m really glad for both Charlotte and Emma’s sake that she’s napping so well – but I wish she would nap like that for me too! I asked Charlotte what she does to get her to nap like that, and one of her ideas was that I put her down for naps too early – she waits until Emma is ready to crack, whereas I had just been watching the clock and putting her down when it was ‘time.’

I’ve been trying Charlotte’s strategy the past couple of days and I will say that Emma goes down MUCH easier than before. For one of her naps today, I literally swaddled her and she fell asleep. No bouncing, no pacifier. It was amazing. I figured that since the timing was so perfect, she would sleep for a while. Nope. She woke up after about 35 minutes. Wah wah. But I’ll keep trying. Emma is not predictable in any sense, so maybe it’ll work tomorrow.

As far as my emotions about leaving Emma, I am definitely sad each morning when I drop her off, and I look at her picture a lot while I’m at work. But I have enjoyed being back at work a lot more than I expected. Things are crazy busy so it’s been a little stressful, but I love having adult responsibilities, doing something I’m good at, and having time to just sit and focus on what I’m doing, instead of feeling rushed or being interrupted. I also appreciate and enjoy Emma more during the evenings and on the days I’m home. So for now, this was definitely the right choice for us.

Luckily, Emma hasn’t yet had a bad night of sleeping on a ‘work night’ so I’m sure that’ll add some drama into the mix when she does. That is always the most daunting and scary part to me about Travis traveling for work (which he is doing every 2-3 weeks right now). Even though he no longer gets up at night to help with Emma (unless she’s waking up every hour or 2 and I know she isn’t hungry, which is rare), it’s just nice to know that he’s there – probably because he can watch her in the morning while I go back to bed for a few hours – like I did this morning. But overall, God has been VERY gracious to me while Travis is gone because there have only been a few times when I felt at the end of my rope. Emma has saved all her fussiness for when daddy’s back home. 😉

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Emma Grace: 4 Months

7 Aug

Our little Emma is 4 months old today (17.5 weeks)! She goes for her 4-month checkup next Monday, so I don’t have any stats yet. But I can definitely tell that she’s growing!

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She has started wearing some 3-6 months clothes, and has started growing out of her smaller 3 month clothes. We still swaddle her for all of her naps and sleeping at night. Sometimes we swaddle her with one arm out because she LOVES sucking on her hands. In the next month or so, I think we’re going to start transitioning her to sleeping in her crib and being unswaddled. I’ve already started putting her down for naps in her crib sometimes. It has gone decently well. She seems to wake up a little bit sooner than when she’s in her Rock N Play but not too bad.

Speaking of naps, Emma still regularly sleeps for only 45 minutes when she’s put down – though she has taken longer naps at daycare, which is good! I think maybe we’re putting her down before she’s really tired and that’s why she doesn’t sleep longer? Every once in a while, though, she surprises us with a 1.5-2 hour nap on her own. I still hold her for at least one nap every day, just so she’ll sleep (and because now that I’m back to work, I want that time with her!). But I know she benefits from taking naps on her own too, so I put her down for naps too.

Night sleep continues to be great. Bedtime is between 8:30 and 9:30 every night and she sleeps until between 5:00 and 6:30 every morning. If she wakes up around 5, she’ll go back to sleep for a few hours. If she wakes up closer to 6:30, she’s up for the day (I mean, for 1.5 hours until she needs to take a nap). Emma can now stay awake for 1.5 – 2 hours between naps and be in a good mood almost the whole time.

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She drools almost constantly and in just the past week and a half, she has started talking a LOT – and very loud! Here’s a video of her squealing. How cute is she?!?

She’s also started making motions like she wants to roll over, both when she’s on her belly and on her back. She hasn’t quite figured it out yet but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Here’s a video of her squirming and making her attempts at rolling over.

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She seems to like her playmat less at this age, and hasn’t been a huge fan of walks lately, but she does enjoy tolerate her carseat better and still LOVES her Bumbo seat. I’m going to start looking around for a used jumperoo, because I think she’d like the extra stimulation.

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When Emma is on her back and we hold a toy close to her chest, she can put her hands together and grab the toy. She can also hold on to a toy and bring it up to her mouth. She follows voices and objects with her eyes.

She’s still not a huge fan of tummy time but it’s slowly getting better. She has really good neck strength though, and can keep her head in line with her body when pulled up to sitting.

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The big milestone for Month 4 was that Emma took her first camping trip! We went up to Jefferson Lake with our care group for our annual camping trip and stayed 2 nights in a tent. I was really dreading it before we went, having visions of Emma waking up really early and needing to be bounced outside the tent to get back to sleep. But she actually slept really well! She woke up a few times, but we got her back to sleep fairly easily. And we didn’t have to get up early at all – the first morning she slept until 7:30 and the second, until 8:15!

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If you’re wondering how you go camping with a 4-month-old, we brought her Rock N Play along to sleep in, and at night, we bundled her up in a long-sleeve sleeper, a fleece sleepsack swaddler, and then put a doubled-up fleece blanket on top of her. I know – GAH loose blanket! But she can’t move around in her Rock N Play so it wasn’t a big deal. We also put a hat on her. She seemed to stay warm! 1097212_607427729287553_1835218033_o 1102599_607427889287537_2014112910_o 1147535_607427845954208_2056956933_oHappy 4 Months Emma Elf!

P.S. I went back to work on July 30 (3 days a week) and so far everything is going really well! Emma is doing well at daycare and I’ve been able to pump enough milk every day for 3 full meals for Emma. Work is CRAZY busy, so it’s been a little stressful, but overall, I’m happy with my decision to return to work part-time. I would definitely have a hard time leaving Emma 5 days in a row though!

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Our Cloth Diapering Experience

28 Jul

Since we’re using cloth diapers, I thought I’d write the quintessential cloth diapering post.

We started using them around 10.5 weeks. By then, Emma was only pooping once every 1-2 days and I finally felt ready to take on the adventure of cloth diapering.

I had researched diapers during pregnancy and had some friends who liked the bumgenius diapers. So I registered for and planned to buy all one size bumgenius 4.0 pocket diapers with snaps. But then we only received 2 from our showers and a friend from church offered to give me all of her cloth diapers. She had used them with her first two kids but decided to do disposable with her third. I wasn’t about to turn down that kind of generosity – cloth diapers are expensive and we weren’t even sure we’d like them. So we ended up with several kinds of diapers, and as it turns out, the bumgenius ones aren’t my favorite anyway. So my first piece of advice: try out several brands before committing to one.

All of the diapers we have are one size pocket diapers. My friend had about half FuzziBunz and half bumgenius.

FuzziBunz
These are probably my favorite but they’re also the most expensive, at $20 a diaper. I really like how they fit Emma, and they have adjustable elastic around the leg openings and waistband on the back, so you can make the diaper fit right. There are 3 snaps in a triangle on each side and they’re very easy to use and adjust. You can even snap one flap over the other for a smaller fit around the waist.
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I also like that there isn’t a fold in the back so it’s easy to get the insert out.
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The only drawback is that the ends of the elastic tend to come out of their little holes.
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It’s not a biggie to put them back in but it’s just one more thing to do. I’ve also had the most leaks with these but I think that might be the result of not having the elastic adjusted properly.

Bumgenius

I have two versions of bumgenius diapers: velcro and snaps. For some reason, the velcro ones are really bulky so I don’t use them. I think they’ll fit better when Emma is older.
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The snap ones I have are the new 4.0 one size diapers (shown on the smallest setting height-wise).
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They work well enough but on the smallest size, the insert pushes the front of the diaper up. It’s hard to explain so I’ll show a picture:
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That’s really the only complaint I have though. I haven’t had any leaks and the diapers fit pretty well. The pocket does have a fold to keep the insert in but I don’t find that to be a big issue.
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The inside fabric is really soft too, which I like.

Kawaii Baby

I actually had never heard of this brand but I got one for free when I bought our wet bags and some cloth wipes from Kelly’s Closet.
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I liked the diaper so much that I bought 5 more! (From Sweet Bottoms since they were out of stock on Kelly’s Closet.) I would’ve bought more FuzziBunz but the Kawaii diapers are only $10 each, so I can get 2 for the price of 1 FuzziBunz diapers.
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The pocket in these also has a fold. They come with 2 inserts like the bumgenius diapers but I only use one at a time.

The snaps are a combination of the bumgenius and FuzziBunz styles – triangle snaps around the waist like FuzziBunz and three rows of snaps for adjusting the height.

Full disclosure: I still use disposable diapers at night. It’s easier and I don’t have to worry about leaks. Plus Emma has diapers she needs to use before she gets too big for them.

Storage of Dirty Diapers

We bought 2 Planet Wise wet bags to put dirty diapers in – 1 to use at home and 1 for the diaper bag. I have no complaints about these bags. They keep the smell completely contained and are really easy to wash with the diapers when they get really stinky (about every 3-4 diaper washes).

We bought the hanging dry/wet bag for the nursery. I haven’t used the dry compartment yet but might use it if we continue cloth diapers at daycare (my friend is willing to).
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When I take a used diaper off Emma, I pull the insert out of the pocket, lay it in the diaper and fold both in half before putting them in the bag. Since I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, I don’t do anything to the poopy diapers because it all comes out in the first rinse cycle. I put our cloth wipes in the bags too. When I go to wash the diapers and wipes, I just shake all the diapers out of the bag into the washer. Easy!

The hanging wet bag is supposed to hold about 25 diapers but it gets pretty full with only about 15. I’d probably be able to fit about 20 but I don’t have that many diapers I like to use right now (hence buying more).

I do the same thing when out and about but I store the diapers in our medium wet bag:
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That bag is supposed to hold 6-7 diapers.

Washing and Drying Diapers

I bought Rockin Green detergent to use for washing diapers.
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It seems expensive at $15 a bag but you only use 1-2 tbsp per load so it lasts a while. I bought a little scoop from Kelly’s Closet (where I also bought the soap) to measure it out.

To wash the diapers, I run the diapers through one cold rinse cycle first with no soap. Then I add the detergent and run them on a regular hot wash cycle (which ends with another cold rinse).

For drying, I hang all the diapers and wipes on a drying rack and put it outside to be bleached and sanitized by the sun.
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I dried them on low in the dryer a few times before we bought a drying rack but it took a while for them to dry completely. During the winter, I’ll probably use the dryer more but the diaper covers dry faster than the inserts, so I’ll probably remove them earlier than the inserts.

Storage of Clean Diapers

When I first started using cloth, I assembled the diapers after washing them by stuffing them with the inserts. But then I got wise (or maybe just lazy). Now I just put them in a fabric bag and assemble them as I use them.
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Or I stack them folded with the insert so I don’t have to dig in the bag.
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We also use cloth wipes and actually have since Emma was born because she gets diaper rash really easily from traditional wipes (even the ‘sensitive’ ones).
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We have a spray bottle filled with a solution of 1/2 water, 1/4 baby oil, and 1/4 baby lotion, and just spray the wipe before we use it. No more diaper rash! (I do still use regular wipes on the go so I don’t have to bring the spray bottle along.) But I’ll probably try to have my friend use cloth wipes while Emma’s at daycare.

Whew, that was long! Feel free to email me with questions. I can see us using cloth diapers for a long time to come!

Trusting in God’s Love When Life is Hard

22 Jul

One of the books Emma got as a gift is “Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You” by Nancy Tillman. It has quickly become one of my all-time favorite books – because even though the author wrote it describing a parent’s love for their child, it’s such a wonderful description of God’s love for His children.

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My two favorite parts are:

“In the green of the grass…in the smell of the sea…in the clouds floating by…at the top of a tree…in the sound crickets make at the end of the day… ‘You are loved. You are loved. You are loved,’ they all say.”

“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you, wherever you are.”

Ever since Emma was born and my life was turned completely upside down, I’ve been thinking about the practical, daily implications of God’s love. When God doesn’t take away my trials, I don’t feel like He loves me. I’d rather He prove His love for me through easier circumstances and less mess.

But that isn’t the way God works. So how can I trust that God’s love is real and steadfast, even when life seems to plead the contrary?

The foundation for my trust is that God has already proven His love – through Jesus’s death on the cross – and that God is sovereign and in control of every detail about my life. Those truths together enable me to trust that God is actively revealing His love for me each day. Every joy, grace and even the trials speak God’s refrain to me, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.” Faith enables me to see circumstances for what they truly are.

Analogies help me better understand intangible concepts. When a parent disciplines their child, they do so out of love because they have the big picture in mind. The discipline isn’t enjoyable for the child in the moment, but the parent has their greater good in mind – how the lesson they learn will serve them later in life. Their discipline flows out of love.

In the same way, “God disciplines us for our good” and “He disciplines who He loves.” In the moment, the trials and challenges of life “feel painful rather than pleasant, but later produce the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by them” (Hebrews 13). God has the big picture in mind. He’s concerned primarily about our holiness, not our temporal happiness – because He understands our greatest need is to be redeemed. So our trials aren’t meaningless. They are accomplishing the will of God in our lives.

But God knows how easily we get discouraged so He still provides little graces each day – things that help us see and remember, “I am loved.” His love is practical and tangible, if only we’re willing to wait and watch for it. So that’s how I can practically trust each day in God’s love for me, even when life is hard. Because I know that “through the steadfast love of the Most High [I] shall not be moved” (Psalm 21:7).

What does trusting in God’s love look like for you?

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Emma’s 3-Month Pictures

21 Jul

When we were back in Minnesota for the 4th of July, we had our good friend Jen from Kitestrings Photography take Emma’s 3-month pictures. I was hoping to capture Emma’s great wide smile but unfortunately, she was not in a very smiley mood during our photo shoot, due to her only taking a 10-minute nap on our way down to the Cities. We got some great pictures anyway though, thanks to Jen’s talent! These are some of my favorites:

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IMG_7021bw (Large)IMG_7040bw (Large)Ok, so I had a lot of favorites. If you’re in the Twin Cities area and are looking for a great outdoor photographer, check Jen out – though you might have to wait a few months because she’s 8 months pregnant with a little girl of her own!

Thanks again Jen for the great pictures!

 

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My Next Half-Marathon Plan

16 Jul

When Travis asked me what I wanted for my birthday, my answer was “To run a half marathon.” But with Travis traveling so much this summer, and Emma being too young for gym childcare, I can’t commit to training quite yet.

I have a plan though. Our gym has childcare starting at 6 months. If I could run 3-4 miles by then (beginning of October), I could start a 12-week training plan and run a half in January or February.

Travis is thinking about running the half with me, and we’ve talked about doing a destination race – ideas so far are St. George, UT; San Francisco, or somewhere in Arizona or New Mexico. We’d obviously need someone to watch Emma while we ran so my parents might join us too. I’m so excited!

Since I’ll be working 3 days a week and those days will be too busy to fit in a workout, I’ll have 4 days for training. I plan to run 3 days (1 long run, 1 speed workout, and 1 short to mid-distance run) and do 1 day of cross-training (yoga, biking, or swimming).

Now to research some races!

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The Big 3-0

15 Jul

Today I turned the big 3-0. I feel like I’m officially an adult but it also feels a bit surreal that my 20s are over. Milestones have that kind of effect. I felt it when I got my drivers license. When I went to college. When I graduated and got my first real job. When I got married. When we bought a house. And then when I got pregnant and gave birth to Emma. They’re those things you anticipate so much for so many years that when they finally happen, you can hardly believe it.

Turning 30 doesn’t bother me. Age is just a number. I’m not a huge fan of the physical changes that come along with getting older but I can embrace it as an opportunity to really learn to not put my stock in physical beauty. Mostly, I am just excited with the new adventures that my 30s will bring – growing our family, learning how to be a godly mother, taking fun vacations, creating more memories with my husband, moving back to Minnesota (?), going deeper in my relationship with God. I’m sure I will see challenges and perhaps sorrows, but there will be joy.

Enough musing. How am I celebrating this big milestone? Well, last Saturday, Travis and I left Emma with some friends and went on a date. We drove up to Boulder and went shopping at lululemon for my birthday present – a pair of black Wunder Under crop pants. I’ve been wanting a new pair of black running/yoga capris for a while, have heard lots of raves about lululemon, but just haven’t been able to justify spending that much money on workout clothes. But it’s not everyday you turn 30.

Then we went out to eat at the Walnut Brewery near Pearl Street. I had lobster and shrimp tacos that were AMAZING. It was such a fun evening, and it was so nice to have time with Travis, just the two of us, and drink a glass of wine. Emma did really well with our friends too, so that was good.

Today, I started off with some coffee, then went to a yoga class while Travis watched Emma, and tonight we’re going to have tacos for dinner. My obsession with Mexican food that started during pregnancy hasn’t disappeared! This coming Friday, I’m having a girls’ night with friends – we’re going to watch a movie and eat ice cream. And then later this fall, my family is talking about doing something big to celebrate my mom and uncle turning 60 (my mom’s birthday was on July 13) and my sister-in-law also turning 30 this year. Fun!

Birthdays definitely look different as an (official) adult than they did when I was younger, but they’re still a great excuse to have fun with friends and treat yourself a bit. I love birthdays!

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Emma Grace: 3 Months

7 Jul

At 3 months (13 weeks), Emma is roughly 12.5 lbs, 25 inches long with a head circumference of 16 inches (according to my measurements since she doesn’t go back to the doctor until she’s 4 months old). At her 2-month appointment on June 10, she was 10 lbs 5.5 oz (22nd percentile), 23.5 inches long (86th percentile) with a head circumference of 15.16 inches (53rd percentile). So she’s growing well!
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Since she’s so tall, she’s outgrown some of her 0-3 month clothes, especially when she wears cloth diapers. And because it’s finally summer and we still swaddle Emma at night and for naps, she hasn’t gotten much use out of the long-sleeved sleepers that fit her right now – and probably won’t before she’s too big for them. Sad!
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Emma is a very smiley girl and is the happiest in the morning. I love going into her room in the morning and being greeted by her big toothless grin. She smiles a lot after her good naps too.
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Little by little, Emma has started to like things she didn’t before. She goes longer on walks without crying or fussing – we can make it a full 20 minutes now! She’ll fall asleep in her carseat in the car (but still after she cries for 5-10 minutes) and she’s mostly stopped crying when we take her out of the bathtub. She hardly ever cries when getting her diaper changed or getting dressed.
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In the past week, Emma has really discovered her hands. She loves to look at them and put them in her mouth. She also looks at people when they talk to her, and follows them and toys with her eyes.
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Emma likes to make noises when she’s awake but she almost never grunts in her sleep anymore. Glad she outgrew that! She’s started to laugh in her sleep, which makes me hopeful that real laughing is just right around the corner.
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Emma consistently sleeps 7-8 hours as her long stretch at night, except the past couple nights when she’s been going through a growth spurt. She goes down for the night around 9:30 and sleeps until about 5. After I feed her, she’ll go right back to sleep for another couple of hours. She usually is ‘up for the day’ between 6 and 7:30. We still swaddle her but she’s on the verge of outgrowing it, now that she likes her hands so much.
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Emma still naps the best in my arms and gets really difficult when she’s overtired. But I’ve been having a hard time sitting around so much, so I’ve started alternating putting her down and holding her for naps. If I put her down (after she’s already asleep), she’ll only last about 45 minutes. I use that time for showering, laundry, cleaning, prayer/Bible study and other projects. If I hold Emma during her nap, she sleeps 1.5 – 2 hours. So I use that time to read, watch Netflix, email, blog, research things, etc. It’s working for now. And since she’s sleeping so well at night, I don’t really feel the need to change it (though going back to work might change my mind).
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Things Emma does when she’s awake:

* Plays on her playmat, watching the blinking star that plays music and batting at the hanging toys, especially the frog
* Listens to music while mommy holds her reclined on her legs and moves her arms to the beat like she’s dancing
* Swings or sits on mommy’s lap while being read a book or her Big Picture Story Bible
* Goes on a walk around the yard or neighborhood
* Lies on her back while kicking her legs and inspecting her hands
* Attempts tummy time for a few minutes (not a big fan)
* Gets a bath or grooming (which consists of washing her sticky hands, arms, face and neck)
* Eats! She has cut her nursing time down to about 20-30 minutes (10-15 on each side)
* Watches mommy work in the kitchen or do laundry
* Takes in all the new sights and sounds when she goes shopping or to one of mommy’s friend’s houses
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Even though Emma isn’t a big fan of tummy time, she has pretty good neck control, I think from the way I nurse her. This past week, we bought her a Bumbo seat. She likes it a lot!
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But it’s a lot of work for a little girl! So she only stays in there for 5-10 minutes.

Last Tuesday, we had Emma’s 3-month pictures taken by our good friend, Jen. I can’t wait to see how they turned out in a few weeks! Emma was a little fussy during pictures but Jen said she did really well compared to some other kids she’s photographed.

And that’s Emma at 3 months!

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12 Weeks Postpartum

27 Jun

It’s been 12 weeks since I gave birth to our little girl. Here’s how things are going:

Physical Recovery

I feel more and more like my old self every day. Albeit, a weaker and less fit self but it’s still nice.

With Travis traveling a lot for work now and Emma not liking her carseat a whole ton, running, and working out in general, has really taken a backseat. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to squeeze something in but I’m just trying to be patient right now – it’s only for a season. Emma and I do take a short walk every day so I’m not a total bum.

I had started to take birth control with a low dose of estrogen (Lo Loestrin) but when I went to get my prescription filled after finishing the sample pack, I discovered that our insurance didn’t cover much of it, so it would cost me almost $90 a month. Um, no. So I’m going to start taking a generic progesterone-only pill that my insurance will cover.

I still have a lot of breakouts on my face, though it does seem to be slowly getting better.

I still have the linea negra, though that is also starting to fade slowly.

And finally, I’ve started sleeping on my stomach again! I mostly sleep on my back and side still because of breast fullness but that’sbgotten a lot better than it was even a month ago. Oh how I’ve missed sleeping on my stomach!

Body Weight / Image
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I haven’t lost any weight since my 6-week postpartum update, so I’m still 7-8 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. I bought a few new pairs of pants that I can wear to work, a couple pairs of shorts, and some looser tops, so I’m not feeling tons of pressure to lose the weight – and I’m pretty sure it’d be darn near impossible anyway since some of it comes from having grown 2 cup sizes (pregnancy and then breastfeeding). And though I would love to tone up my stomach, it’s just not my focus right now. I’ll get there eventually.

My eating habits haven’t been the greatest either. With Travis gone, I’ve been surviving on leftovers and easy things like cereal, bagels and toast. I do have dinner with friends on a regular basis so that helps me eat healthier meals (since they’re cooking). My plan is to cook healthy meals while Travis is home, with enough extra to give me leftovers for lunch or dinner while he’s gone. I’m also going to try to eat more fruits and veggies.

Emotional

The emotional aspect of motherhood is still hard for me. There are some days when I love being a mom and feel optimistic about the new pace of life – those days are a breath of fresh air that help rejuvenate me. But other days are a struggle. I long for the old days of freedom and ease. I feel isolated at home and totally unsure of my decisions as a mother (specifically regarding Emma’s sleep habits). I get discouraged because I don’t have time to do things like workout or cook dinner.

But I’ve been reminding myself of 2 truths for encouragement:

One, I will never again have this much time to devote to one child. I won’t be able to sit and hold Emma or her siblings for naps when she’s older and not an only child, so instead of wishing this time away so that I could do laundry or dishes, or an exercise video, I should enjoy it – it’s only temporary.

Two, the words of James: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

My main struggle is faith – am I truly trusting that this is how God wants me to spend my time? Or do I think there’s something more noble, fulfilling and worthy of my energy? Not every woman is called to be a mother, but I am. And after my calling as a wife, there is nothing more important for me than being a mother. It may look differently than I expected (and it does!) but it’s exactly what God expected and planned for me. I’m still learning how to let go of expectations and joyfully embrace the reality that God has ordained for my life. I’m sure it’ll be a lifelong lesson!

God is using parenting to teach me self-sacrifice and to find my joy and worth in Him alone. I am being shown how much of my identity and self-worth has been tied up in being productive and doing things I’m good at – or at least things I know a lot about. With those reassurances stripped away, I am completely dependent on God’s help and grace. There’s nothing like the feeling of helplessness to drive me into God’s arms. So for that, I’m thankful. And I’m praying that God would continue to help me embrace my new reality and joyfully make these sacrifices for my family, as well as give me the wisdom I so desperately need.

And that’s where I’m at 12 weeks postpartum!

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