6 years

20 May

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Saturday night, Travis and I went on our first date sans Emma to celebrate our 6-year wedding anniversary.

One of our good friends from church watched Emma for four hours while Travis and I went out for sushi at 4:30 in the afternoon, followed by a walk on nearby trails (where the pictures above were taken), Dairy Queen (where I got a Mr. Misty slush since I’m still not eating dairy), looking at guns at Gander Mountain, people watching at a park and buying toilet paper from Walmart (exciting!).

We had a good time and Emma actually did pretty well so we’ll call it a success! Our lives are consumed by her right now so we did talk a lot about Emma but it was nice to touch base on how we’re both handling the life change, commiserate on how hard things have been and share our hopes for the future.

Oh, and I drank my first full glass of wine since last August! I had a Pinot Noir and it was delicious. After I fed Emma when we got home, I had another glass, of Cupcake Cab Sav. But then I felt absolutely horrible for both of the middle-of-the-night feedings. I need to remember to drink more water next time. Ugh!

Anyway, so 6 years. We’ve been together for 8. I’m still not even near the wife I want to be. Even now, the thing I want to ‘get better at’ is the same thing that has caused the majority of the tension in our marriage – expression of physical affection. After getting married, we discovered just how different our styles are. Travis is very playful and I usually end up annoyed and push him away -literally.

One of the things I struggle with the most in marriage is being resentful. I let little things build up into one big glob of disappointment and self-pity and it overflows through resentment and bitterness. For many years, I blamed Travis for our relationship being more roommate-like than lover-like. ‘If he would just stop grabbing me and listen to what I like, things would be different,’ I thought.

But then one day this past year,  my eyes were finally opened to my own fault. How it was my constantly pushing Travis away, even when he tried to do things ‘my way’ with back rubs and simple hugs (minus butt grabs), that really stunted our physical relationship. How could our passion increase if I always shut down any attempt Travis made?

I was very humbled that day. I’d love to say that things improved exponentially from there but unfortunately, it isn’t that easy. I’ve come to accept that this will always be something that I have to die to myself in – instead of demanding the ideal, giving thanks for the reality. Choosing to see the good, instead of ignoring it to focus on the bad.

I’m constantly amazed at Travis’ longsuffering and kindness to me. How he doesn’t get angry at my insensitivity and coldness is beyond me. But I’m thankful that he doesn’t. And I’m thankful that God has given us one more year together to figure out how to, in the words of John Piper, “forge a life together in the furnace of affliction” to the praise of His glory. May there be many more.

Fighting against what I need

18 May

Yesterday, Emma had a rough afternoon. After feeding her around 11:30, I put her in the Baby Bjorn and went on a walk to a nearby ‘lake’ with her and the pooches.

She fell asleep on our walk and I contemplated whether I should take her out when I got home or leave her be. I decided to leave her and started making lunch. She woke up. Crap. She had only been asleep for 20 minutes.

That was 12:30. She didn’t stay asleep until 3:00. She ‘fell asleep’ countless times during those 2.5 hours. I shushed her, bounced her, swaddled her, fed her, changed her, tried her in the Baby Bjorn again. But the minute I stopped bouncing or shushing, her little eyes would pop open, her little mouth turn down and she’d start wailing.

My frustration grew. Why did she keep fighting the very thing she needed most? Being overtired was what was making her so miserable. She just needed to surrender!

I also felt completely discouraged that nothing I did made Emma happy. It breaks my heart to hear her cry until her throat is raw and see her little face as red as a tomato. I would do anything to help her.

In the midst of my temptation to lose hope, I was reminded by the Spirit that I should pray and ask God to help me. I should crawl to the cross and lay my burdens there, “to receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need.”

But I didn’t want to. I wanted to stew in my pain and despair. I wanted to be mad at God for it being so hard with Emma every day that I actually dread her waking up. I dread myself waking up. I live in a constant state of feeling like I’m holding on by a single strand of thread.

I knew that pouring out my heart to God was the exact thing I needed. My own stubbornness and self-pity was creating my misery.

Then I realized… I’m exactly like Emma. Fighting against what I need. And God looks at me with His heart breaking, longing to help me, to instill His hope in me, to prove His love for me. But I fight it. And for what?

I was humbled. And just as Emma finally succumbed to sleep, I went on a drive and poured out my fears, hopes and thanksgiving to the One who is faithful and sovereign over all.

That wasn’t the last time Emma will need sleep – or fight it. And I’m sure I’ll need the reminder again of my willfulness. But luckily, God is patient and lavishes me with blessings and grace I don’t deserve – or even ask for.

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Emma: 5 – 6 Weeks

16 May

This coming Sunday, Emma will be 6 weeks old. It’s amazing how fast the time is going, even though the days (and especially the nights) sometimes seem to last forever.

After talking to the triage nurse last week and making the changes to my diet and breastfeeding style that she recommended, Emma still hadn’t seen much improvement. She was sleeping a little bit longer, but not really crying any less. So I called again this past Monday and they had us come in that same afternoon. While we were there, Emma gave the pediatrician and nurses a good dose of her crying – red face and all. After examining her, the doctor decided that Emma most likely has acid reflux. So she prescribed Prevacid for Emma to take once a day and said that we should see some improvement in the next 7-10 days.

We’ve already seen some improvement. It’s not night and day difference but Emma is now frequently alert and happy for 10-15 minutes after she eats, and has tolerated sitting in her swing, cradle or car seat several times without crying immediately, like she was doing before. She’s also developed a less severe level of crying – it’s not always just ear piercing wails. And we’ve also been trying to put her in her cradle or swing at night instead of just holding her, and she has stayed sleeping several times for up to a couple of hours – also an improvement. But she still has her inconsolable moments.

It’s hard to not be discouraged and frustrated at this whole situation. We love our daughter so much and want her to be happy and comfortable, but we’re also struggling with severe sleep deprivation, and trying to not crack when she’s fussy or crying uncontrollably for what seems like hours on end (in reality, it’s only 30-60 minutes at a time) is hard.

This has been our typical routine lately with a baby who only wants to sleep being held:

Approx 1 am: I get up for the middle-of-the-night feeding; Travis goes to bed after his ‘shift’

1 am – 7 am: I stay up with Emma, feeding her every 2-3 hours, then rocking her to sleep and attempting to put her down – usually she starts making noise after 20-30 minutes. I go pick her up because I don’t want her to wake up completely, causing me to have to get her to sleep all over again. My main desire has been to avoid a crying baby, but I realize this isn’t a good strategy for getting her to sleep apart from me, so I’m going to work on changing this.

7:15 am: Travis gets up, makes his coffee and puts Emma in the Baby Bjorn while he works at his desk; I go back to bed for a couple of hours

9:30 am: I get up and take Emma from Travis, feed her and entertain her for however long she’s happy, maybe doing tummy time while I take a few sips of my decaf coffee. Usually she starts crying (with no warning!) and I get her back to sleep by putting her in the Baby Bjorn with her pacifier and bouncing on the exercise ball.

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Sacked out in the Baby Bjorn

10:30 – 5:30 pm: Travis works while Emma and I go through the continual cycle of eat, awake and sleep. She typically goes 2-3 hours between feedings, with naps that are usually 45 minutes – 2 hours long, but it’s still far from predictable. During Emma’s naps, I either do chores like dishes and laundry (if she’s in the Bjorn), sit with her in the glider or watch TV while she sleeps, or (rarely) take a walk. Since she’s started crying so much and often, we’ve been hesitant to take her very many places because it’s so hard to soothe her without all our props and she’s really not a fan of being buckled into her car seat. Though I discovered today that driving on the highway with the windows down makes a wonderful white noise that puts her to sleep! (hopefully not just a fluke)

5:45 pm: Travis gets done with work and takes Emma while I ‘make’ dinner – usually reheating leftovers of a meal from our church friends. I eat and then take Emma so Travis can eat.

6:30 pm: We bathe Emma if it’s a bath night. If not, I feed Emma and either Travis or I put her pajamas on and swaddle her.

7 – 7:30 pm: I go to bed while Travis stays up with Emma. This strategy evolved at first because Emma’s such a loud sleeper that I was awake anytime she grunted or sighed (which is a lot). Lately we’ve done this because Emma sleeps the longest if she’s held. She’s actually gone 5 hours between feedings a couple of times (which is sleeping through the night at this age) but only while being held. The longest she’s gone in her cradle or swing is about 2.5 hours I think.

10 pm: I get up and feed Emma. When she’s done eating, I give her back to Travis and go back to bed.

{and the cycle begins all over again…}

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In short, we have no time to do anything but sleep, take care of Emma and work (in Travis’ case). Most days I don’t shower, brush my teeth or change clothes. Even though we’re technically surviving this way, we’re both frequently close to losing it. Something’s got to change. So we’re going to start being more intentional about putting her down to sleep in her cradle or swing instead of just letting her sleep in our arms. It may be more painful at first and involve more work with getting her back to sleep if she wakes up, but at least we’ll be headed the right direction instead of just throwing in the towel.

All that said, the Lord has faithfully given enough grace for us to get through each day – whether it’s a little bit more sleep, Emma not fussing for a few hours, delicious meals from friends, warm sunny weather, lots of babysitting offers, or the fact that Travis works from home (so amazingly helpful!). I’ve been tempted more than once to drown in self-pity because of all the things I haven’t been able to do, like get out on more runs, maintain personal hygiene or sleep longer than 3 hours at a stretch, but God has helped me to be aware of that sinful, joyless tendency and to instead be thankful for the mercies He does provide. Just like He provided the Israelites enough manna for a single day, so He provides me with enough faith and hope in His promises to stay the course for one more day. I know we will look back on this time and see His faithfulness stretching to the skies. I don’t know what I would do without Him, or Travis!

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The Eternal Blessing of Motherhood

12 May

Today is my first Mother’s Day. It has been a decent day. Emma has cried a lot today and had her first diaper blowout, prompting an outfit change at church. But on the bright side, it’s GORGEOUS weather outside and Travis and I were able to eat Chipotle for lunch on our deck while Emma slept. Now Travis is taking a nap while I watch Emma, and in a bit, he’ll watch her while I take a nap. Teamwork!

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In honor of this special day, I wanted to share this amazing blog post that my wonderful sister-in-law, Jen — mother to my 16-month-old nephew — wrote on her blog Building a Humble Home.

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Being a mother is the single greatest gift and honor in the world. Nothing compares to the love and joy you feel for your child. Nothing else really seems to matter once you become a mommy. Being a wife and mother is my life’s calling. Raising our son and caring for our home is exactly where I belong.

However, I didn’t always feel that way. The first 8 weeks of motherhood were hard. So hard, that I remember pacing the halls trying my best to quiet a screaming baby, and in tears of frustration, wondered why anyone would want to be a parent. In those moments you wonder if it will ever really “get better” as everyone says it will. Yes, moments I’m not proud of, but sleepless nights and post pregnancy hormones can do a number on a new breastfeeding mother.

As I’m discovering, being a mother can be more challenging than I realized. Some days harder than others. Those difficult days will test your very being. Finding ways to be patient and show love even when you are tired and worn down can be one of the hardest. The devil makes you lose your focus for your family. In these moments the devil will make you feel self-centered, filling you full of lies about deserving more in your life, making you feel like folding laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house is not important. All lies!

On the hard days, I’m learning that when focus is lost and frustration and anger take hold, I have to surrender to God and give it all to Him in prayer. The moment I try to do it alone or feel that I’ve got it, I’m knocked down.

I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in control.

No amount of hair appointments, or exercise, or shopping will refuel and rejuvenate me like time in the Savior’s Word. That is where I am lifted back up, reassured, and given a hug and a pat on the back. That is where I’m reminded that raising our son and caring for our home is virtuous.

I’m also learning that when I remain focused on God throughout my day (prayer, listening to sermons, and reading the Bible) I notice I’m a different person, a better mother. I’m calm, relaxed, patient, engaged, and present. You see, God knows exactly what we need. And He is using motherhood to strengthen my relationship with Him, molding me to be the person He created me to be so I can sow seeds in our son’s life. Coming to understand why motherhood is difficult is not something that happens over night and is something that requires God’s continuous work on me daily. Through my struggles and weakness, He provides me strength. It’s when I’m most vulnerable and weak, that I grow stronger in the Lord.

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

Jeremiah 17:10 “I the Lord, search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doing.”

Isaiah 40:28-31 “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

It’s imperative that I give my all and continually seek God in motherhood. My son’s life depends on it. I’m doing more than just raising a son; I’m raising a disciple of God.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 “5 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”

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What a crucial reminder Jen’s post was to me that my daughter is an eternal being with a soul and that her greatest need is to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. It is an honor to be entrusted a little life to raise up as a follower of Christ, and I can only be the loving, patient, faithful mother I am called to be by daily spending time in God’s presence.

Go check out her blog – she has tons of great thoughts about motherhood and life!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my lovely readers who are mothers!

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Dealing with a Colicky Baby

10 May

So we’re pretty sure that Emma has colic, whatever that is. A colicky baby cries or fusses for 3 hours a day, for 3 days a week, for 3 weeks. It hasn’t been 3 weeks yet but Emma fusses every day, so I think we qualify. I’ve been reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and the author says that fussiness is more characteristic of colic and defines fussiness as “an unsettled, agitated, wakeful state that would lead to crying if ignored by parents” and that colicky babies have “long and frequents bouts of fussing” which would lead to crying if it weren’t for “intensive parental intervention.”

Story of my life.

This week has been a blur of feeding and getting Emma to go to sleep and stay asleep. Who needs to work out when you spend hours a day bouncing a fussy baby on an exercise ball? Seriously, my legs and back are TIRED.

After a little research, it appears that Emma is getting enough sleep, but most of it is in 1-2 hour chunks, with a few 2-4 hour chunks thrown in from about 6 pm to 1 am. The time of day she sleeps the worst is from about 1 am to 8 am. Last night, I just threw in the towel and stayed up watching Modern Family on my iPad instead of trying to sleep through her grunting. It was definitely our worst night by far. She was grunting within 15 minutes of when I put her in her swing.

I finally called our pediatrician’s office the other day and talked to the triage nurse. I told her about all of Emma’s symptoms:

  • Cries after feedings, sometimes during, like she’s frustrated
  • Swallows a lot of air from gulping milk
  • Gets hiccups often, spits up quite a bit, has a lot of gas
  • Wants to eat every 1-3 hours
  • Often wants pacifier after eating but has plenty of dirty and wet diapers
  • Grunts almost all night long, seems to be uncomfortable from gas
  • Yawns all the time, even when she has just woken up, but it still takes a lot of effort to make her go to sleep
  • Generally only sleeps for an hour at a time except for evening – then she’ll go 2-3 hours and every once in a while, 4-5
  • When she seems happy and alert, it lasts for maybe 10-15 minutes before she melts down
  • Goes from happy to screaming in a matter of seconds
  • Often cries for 10-20 minutes no matter what you do, calms down after that but only as long as you’re doing something very specific

The triage nurse was very helpful and gave me these tips to try:

  • Express milk before feeding Emma to minimize gulping and swallowed air.
  • Interrupt her feedings often to burp her. Burp her for several minutes before resuming.
  • Keep her upright for 30-45 minutes after eating.
  • If it’s been less than 2 hours since a good feeding (lasting 20-30 minutes), comfort her in a way other than nursing (since it takes about 2 hours for a full belly to be metabolized). If her last feeding was short, I can feed her when she seems hungry.
  • Eliminate dairy, chocolate and caffeine from my diet for a week.

Pumping milk before feeding Emma will take a little getting used to, especially since it’s pretty tough to predict right now when Emma will want to eat. And when I know she wants to eat, she wants to eat NOW. I can hold her off with the pacifier, but she can’t keep it in her mouth herself, so pumping is kind of a circus act while I juggle the breast pump bottles and her pacifier.

I do think pumping, combined with me reclining during breastfeeding, is making a difference – at the very least, Emma is drinking slower than before. She’s not usually a huge fan of being burped mid-feeding (or at all), unless she’s really uncomfortable. But she settles back down pretty quickly once I put her back to the breast.

Sometimes she likes being upright on my or Travis’ chest and she sleeps pretty well in the Baby Bjorn. But other times, she thinks being upright is horrible. That was the case this morning. Surprisingly, though, she was content laying on her back on the changing table. So I let her lay there for about 10 minutes while I talked to her. (This has inspired yet another idea we’re going to try – putting her on her changing pad mattress in the cradle. She seems to be able to pass gas a lot better laying flat on her back than sitting reclined like she does in her swing.)

As far as the dietary changes go, I’m going to eliminate dairy, chocolate and caffeine like the nurse suggested (which is so sad because those are almost all of my favorite food groups!). I have been avoiding cheese, milk, yogurt and ice cream for the past week, but I was still eating chocolate and processed foods like granola bars that contain milk. So I’m finally going to cut those out too. 😦 Then last night, I ate a Boca burger for dinner and on the off chance that the night went so poorly because I ate soy, I’m also going to cut out soy products. And since peanuts are a well-known allergen as well, I’m thinking that I might switch to eating almond butter instead of peanut butter. I’m also going to avoid eating tomatoes and any tomato-based sauces and condiments, since those have triggered acid reflux for me in the past, and while I’m at it, I might as well cut down on the gluten I eat (since a lot of products that are dairy and soy free are also gluten free). Can you tell I’m desperate to find a solution to Emma’s crying?!?!

In a way, this change will be good for me and Travis because we’ll be forced to eat a lot more whole foods and less processed crap. The only drawback is that whole foods generally require more work than processed foods, and well, time in the kitchen is not something I have a lot of right now. But we’re going to try. 😉 So what will I be eating?

  • Vegetables
  • Fruits
  • Rice and rice pasta
  • Meat, poultry and fish
  • Olive oil
  • Seeds and nuts
  • Udi’s gluten-free products
  • Larabars
  • So Delicious ice cream and yogurt
  • Amy’s Organic Foods
  • Earth Balance spreads and nut butters
  • Nutritional yeast
  • Almond milk (which is SO not the same as cow’s milk!! I miss it dearly)

The nurse said that if these changes haven’t made a difference in Emma’s fussy behavior by Monday, then they’ll have us come in to have Emma checked out and make sure there isn’t something else going on besides colic.

On a positive note, I haven’t felt as frustrated with Emma the past couple of days. My emotions have switched to just being frustrated with the situation, with an understanding that Emma isn’t being fussy on purpose – she’s just uncomfortable. Poor baby. I keep assuring her that Mommy wants to make her happy and is trying everything she can think of to do so.

But I did just about lose it on our walk this morning with the dogs. Emma had fallen asleep so I thought I’d take advantage of it and go on a longer walk. Well, just 20 minutes into it, she woke up. I turned right around, even though it was earlier than I had planned, because I just had an inkling that she wouldn’t be content very long if she was awake. Sure enough, about a minute later, she started pouting and then crying. She was content if the pacifier was in her mouth, but again, I have to hold it in there. So I ended up tying the dogs’ leash around my waist, taking Emma out of the carseat and holding her while I pushed the stroller all the way back to the house, and keeping the pacifier in her mouth. That juggling act made me feel like a real mom. And it made me vow to not take both the dogs and Emma on a walk again until she outgrows this stage, or Travis comes with.

Do you have any tasty, easy snack ideas that are dairy and soy free?

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Emma: 4 Weeks

6 May

This has probably been the hardest week of my life. Emma has had 3 states of being: eating, sleeping and crying. So much crying. Instead of falling asleep after nursing like she had the first couple of weeks, she will now be content for about 10-30 seconds before starting to scream her head off. It takes several minutes just to calm her down, not to mention get her to sleep. There have been a few times when she is alert and seemingly happy, so we do tummy time or walk around talking but they, too, always end in crying.

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We have come up with several theories for why Emma is crying so much now, but before I get into those, can I just say that I find it impossible to tell what Emma wants solely from the sound of her crying? They say that infants have different cries for different needs… I just hear screaming and unhappiness. Maybe this changes as she gets older? Or maybe Emma only has one crying volume: LOUD?

Anyway, our first theory was that she’s uncomfortable from gas. I asked our pediatrician about it at our 2 week appointment and she recommended getting some Mylicon anti-gas drops. So we did and we’ve been giving them to her, but I honestly haven’t noticed much of a difference in her crying or comfort level. Also, according to Dr. Harvey Karp of The Happiest Baby on the Block, babies rarely cry from gas pains. So that doesn’t seem to be her problem (those she does have quite a bit of gas). Nonetheless, I have mostly eliminated dairy from my diet in hopes that maybe it will help her (also a suggestion from our doctor) – which is ridiculously hard for me, since I LOVE milk, yogurt, cheese, ice cream and chocolate.

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The second was that she’s not eating enough at each feeding. After self-diagnosing myself with an oversupply or fast milk letdown, I started feeding Emma from only one side per nursing session, per advice I read on the La Leche League website and in their book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. But around the same time I started doing that, Emma started crying bloody murder after feedings. I had been hesitant to offer more in those instances, out of the fear of overfeeding her. But after a little more research and motherly intuition, I’ve decided that overfeeding a breastfed infant would be pretty hard to do. So I’ve started offering both sides (unless she falls asleep or looks particularly content after one side, which happens rarely) and also offering to nurse whenever it seems like she could possibly be hungry, regardless of how long it’s been since she ate last. Sometimes she eats more, sometimes she doesn’t. When she eats more, she does seem more content. So this has helped some.

The third was that she’s overstimulated. The first several days that she was crying a lot, we tried everything we could think of to console her – rocking, swaying, swinging, vibrating, shushing, pacifier, swaddling, walking, upright on our chest, laying in our arms, bouncing. The more we tried, the worse it got. Finally we figured out that less is more and stick to some combination of the following: swaddling, holding her upright on our chest, making a “shhh” sound in her ear, bouncing on our exercise ball or Ikea chair, and letting her suck on a pacifier. I also found that she will fall asleep in the car, but not always.

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The fourth was that she’s overtired. There have been so many times when Emma has *almost* been asleep but just when we thought we were home free, those little eyes would pop open again and we were back to square one. It’s like she fights going to sleep with her entire being. But honestly, I don’t know how to prevent this from happening. Our ‘routine’ (if you can call it that) is this: 2-3 hours from her last feeding, Emma wakes up or starts grunting a lot, so we pick her up, change her diaper and nurse. If she’s awake and happy when she’s done nursing (a rarity), I either read her a book or sing songs (if she’s awake but chill) or we do tummy time (if she’s moving her arms and legs around). Both of those activities last maybe 15 minutes before Emma yawns… or starts crying, which begins the cycle of trying to calm her down and get her to sleep.

But the norm for the past week is that we finish nursing and Emma starts crying almost immediately. And not just a little – like all out bloody murder crying. Her face turns bright red. Her little fists are clenched. She is ANGRY. And I’m confounded. Once she’s asleep, Emma usually sleeps for a good 1-3 hours at a stretch, so I feel like she’s still getting a decent amount of sleep. But after almost every time that she’s awake, it’s an ordeal to get her back to sleep. Another thought I had is that she gets so riled up by her crying that it’s hard for her to unwind enough for sleep, but I still don’t know what we can do about that because she goes from zero to crying in less than 2 seconds. And she does that right after nursing. So how do you prevent that from happening?

My latest theory is that is that maybe she can’t handle the caffeine in the cup of coffee I drink everyday (does it sound like I’m grasping at straws yet?). So I am also giving up my beloved morning coffee – the thing that has given me hope when Emma wakes up an hour or two earlier than expected each morning – and switching to decaf. I would go insane if I couldn’t have coffee at all.

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Anyway, this week has been filled with me feeling like my life is over and I will never enjoy anything again. I haven’t handled it well, especially in my relationship with Travis. I’ve been drowning my sorrows in self-pity with a very “Woe is me” attitude, which benefits no one. Even though deep down, I want to embrace this reality from God and give thanks for His mercies that are new every morning – because I know that that is the path to joy – I can’t do it. I can’t stop focusing on all the things about life right now that are so not what I want. My face is still breaking out. My belly is still as soft as bread dough. Neither my pre-pregnancy nor maternity clothes fit right anymore and I don’t feel like we can afford me to buy a bunch of new ones, especially when they’re just to fill in the gap right now. I fight against taking many naps during the day because I don’t want to spend my entire existence nursing and sleeping, and I hate how it feels to get up after not getting enough sleep. But my stubbornness leaves me even more exhausted.

People keep telling me “It’ll get better.” And I’m sure somehow, somewhere, that’s true. But I can’t help but get angry when they say that because how does that help me today? Am I just supposed to resign myself to being miserable for the next however many weeks until Emma gets older? And how do I love my inconsolable daughter and well-meaning husband in the meantime, when I feel so trapped and discouraged?

Don’t get me wrong – I love Emma and Travis, and couldn’t imagine life without them. I know that Travis wishes he could do more to help me and he’s been great about staying up late to take care of Emma while I get some sleep during her least fussy period. And he doesn’t get angry or offended when I vent my frustrations to him and accuse him of not understanding how hard this is. With Emma, there are a few moments each day when she is awake and happy, and she makes the cutest noises in the whole world. I know she’s worth it, even though I’m tempted at times to question my decision to be a mother.

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Nothing prepares you for how hard it is to have a baby, or how much you still love them in spite of it. For how you finally lay down to take a nap while your partner is taking care of the baby, but you can’t sleep because you can hear her crying and you feel guilty that you’re not the one out there consoling her. For how every baby and child you see in the store, on TV, at church and on the street remind you of your little one, and make your heart ache with the deepest love, and you know that there is nothing in the whole world that could make you give them up or live without them. For how hearing your baby cry breaks your heart so swiftly that you end up crying with them. For how you desperately want your baby to know how much they’re loved and cherished, so even though in the present moment, you just wish you could put her down and walk away, you don’t. You stay – heart breaking, eyes stinging, world imploding – and you keep on keeping on.

There is so much more that I could say. I have a hard time praying these days because my emotions are such a twisted mess, so I usually just end up saying “Lord, You know. Help me.” I continue to remind myself of Ann Voskamp’s words that “life change happens when we accept life with thanks and ask for nothing to change,” hoping that if I keep reminding myself, maybe I’ll eventually believe it. And I bring to mind Bible verses like Psalm 62:5-8…

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Even when all else fails, God is still my hope.

Any words of advice or encouragement?

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Two Dogs and a Biscuit

2 May

Our dogs Katy and Charlie have adjusted really well to Emma. They had already been around young kids quite a bit and always done well, so we weren’t that concerned with how it would go, but it’s still been interesting to see their reactions to the newest member of our family.

When we first got home from the hospital, we brought Emma down to their level and let each of them sniff her. That’s about the extent of the attention that Charlie pays Emma – sniffing her every once in a while, presumably to make sure it’s still the same baby. We also have to watch Charlie to make sure she doesn’t flop on Emma or accidentally hit her while begging for us to rub her belly. (She’s been known to do that to other dogs, so why not a Biscuit?)

But Katy has taken on a more protective role.

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Whenever Emma is crying, Katy gets really concerned. If the door to the nursery is closed, Katy paces around outside it, whining. Especially that first week. She’d stand up on her hind legs to check on Emma while she was on the changing table getting a diaper change or in the kitchen getting a bath – both events that elicited quite a bit of crying from Emma.

IMG_4412 (Large)Katy also follows me and Emma around during the day so we put a little bed for her on the floor in the nursery, and she hangs out in there when I’m nursing Emma.

The dogs have been going slightly stir crazy with receiving less attention and being cooped up due to the snow. Whenever friends from church bring us dinner, they both go nuts for attention. And taking both the dogs and Emma on a walk takes quite a bit of coordination – not to mention a run! The other day, my mother-in-law and I took the dogs and Emma on a walk in a park near our house. Emma started cracking about 5 minutes after we got there so she took Emma out of her carseat and carried her while I held on to the dogs and pushed the stroller. It was tricky but I think it’ll get easier – I’m pretty sure we’ll need to get a dog leash that goes around our waist, so that we have both hands free for the stroller. (Or maybe only take both the dogs and Biscuit when both Travis and I are going along.)

I’m looking forward to when Emma is old enough to play with the dogs herself!

What was your experience when you introduced your dog(s) to your baby?

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Emma: 3 Weeks

29 Apr

Emma was quite a bit fussier during her third week than she has been up to this point. I think part of the problem is that I have an oversupply of milk, or it lets down really fast, so she has to gulp the milk down to keep up. Sometimes she ends up choking and coughing, which leads to her spitting quite a bit of it up. And she frequently acts frustrated and angry when nursing – something I read in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding can be caused by an oversupply/fast letdown. On a slightly related note, she also hates a dirty diaper at the end of a feeding. She cries like her world is ending.

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Besides Emma being hard to console at times, and peeing on the changing table when her diaper’s off more times than I can count, perhaps the most challenging thing this week has been all the grunting Emma does at night. After she’s eaten, I get her to sleep and put her in her swing (where she sleeps for the time being). She sleeps peacefully for anywhere from 30-60 minutes, and then starts grunting/moaning. She’s not actually awake though. She’ll make a little noise, then be quiet for 5 minutes. A little more noise, then quiet.

I have been just letting her stay in her swing while she does it, because usually I have only gone to bed about 30-45 minutes beforehand. But it disrupts my sleep because every time she makes noise, I hold my breath, waiting for it to turn into crying. It seems like she starts making the noise when she’s ready to eat again, but not quite alert. Even though I do get up and feed her before she starts crying (which ends up being about 2-3 hours between feedings), I think it might just be best if I got up and fed her right when she started grunting, instead of waiting the 15-45 minutes that I do (but that’s easier said than done at 4 am).

IMG_4539 (Large)In other big news, Emma drank 3 ounces from a bottle this week and kept it down! Based on your guys’ advice, we bought a Dr. Brown’s bottle and that worked like a charm. She’s also started taking a pacifier, though that is something I definitely want to use more for emergencies (like when she wants to nurse when we’re out running errands), rather than on a regular basis. I had been worried about overfeeding Emma but reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and doing a little online research has convinced me that overfeeding an breastfed infant would be pretty hard to do. (I also asked our pediatrician about it and she said the same thing.)

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Travis’ family has been out here visiting since last Friday, so we’ve been able to get a little bit of break which has been really nice. Emma’s big outing this week was a short hike at Lair O’ the Bear on Saturday. The trail was a little bumpy but Emma slept through the whole thing. She woke up while we were eating lunch though, so I had to go nurse her in the car.

IMG_4537 (Large) IMG_4528 (Large) IMG_4530 (Large) IMG_4531 (Large) IMG_4532 (Large)All things considered, I feel like I’m getting into more of a groove with the whole motherhood and breastfeeding thing. I can recognize better when Emma is sending cues that she wants to eat soon, and getting up in the middle of the night has been slightly easier.

Oh and the weather here has been BEAUTIFUL lately so we’ve been spending more time outside and that definitely helps my mood.

Well, we’re off to Colorado Springs for the day! Happy Monday!

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Exercise Post-Baby

26 Apr

Like I mentioned yesterday, my post-baby ab muscles are a joke. I discovered this very quickly when I attempted to do the postnatal ab workout included on my Prenatal Pilates DVD. I lasted about 2 minutes and turned it off – plank exercises will not be happening for quite some time. The Prenatal Pilates workouts themselves are more of my speed and ability right now.

My main form of exercise so far has been walking – because I had that tightness under my rib cage, I started out just walking to the end of the street and back. When I started feeling better, I walked my normal dog loop of 1.15 miles, which takes me about 20-25 minutes. And then one day, it was sunny and I was so antsy to get out and jog that I went for it. That was 12 days postpartum.

Stupid? Too soon? Perhaps. But in my defense, my doctor said I could do any exercise that I felt up to, as long as I used common sense. And my bleeding had already stopped, I didn’t have any cramps or pain before or after, and I took it really slow, and walked a lot – so much so that my average pace for my 2 mile walk/jog was 15:58/mile. My jogging intervals were around a 12:30-12:40 pace.

And it was wonderful being out there. It felt like I picked up right where I had left off in pregnancy (at the same slow shuffle), and it got me even more pumped up to get back into running. But I could definitely notice my lack of core strength, and I do realize that my body has gone through a lot and I don’t want to jump into anything too intense too soon. So for now, I’m going to limit my jogs to one a week, and really listen to my body. For the rest of my workouts, I’ll be doing Prenatal Pilates, sit-ups and push-ups to build up my core strength, walking, and hopefully some swimming (now that I can go in the middle of the day, when it’s not busy!).

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I’m planning to find a race in late summer/early fall to train for, since I love having a goal, but for now, I’m just going to enjoy getting out there.

(Side note: On my jog, I didn’t take Emma, only the pooches. Just in case you were concerned about her being in a jogging stroller so young.)

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2.5 Weeks Postpartum

25 Apr

It’s been 2.5 weeks since I gave birth to our little Biscuit. Here’s how things have been going…

Physical Recovery

The physical recovery process has been a lot easier than I expected. The thing I was most scared about was tearing during birth and having stitches and lots of blood to deal with for weeks afterward. Well, it really wasn’t that bad.   Even though I had stitches for a second degree tear and they were pretty uncomfortable for several days that first week (causing me to sit down very daintily and lean to one side), that was the worst of it. I used all of the supplies from the hospital for the first week and a half or so – a water bottle to rinse with, witch hazel pads, hydro-cortisone cream, benzicane spray. Now, the bleeding has stopped, my stitches have dissolved and I feel *almost* completely normal in that regard.

Another uncomfortable aspect of recovery was the after-pains of my uterus shrinking. It wasn’t that painful – it just felt like mild period cramps, which I found more annoying and uncomfortable. But then, after going through labor, my pain scale might be a little bit skewed.

What has surprised me most, though, has been how having absolutely no ab muscles has affected me. When I was still in the hospital, Travis and I tried to take a walk so I could get out of the room but I had this horrible pain/tightness in my chest right under my rib cage. It wasn’t hard to breathe – it just felt tight. I also had a hard time standing up for an extended period of time. That continued for the next couple of weeks – when we went to Target with my parents, I had to sit down in the garbage can aisle while we debated which one to get.  At first, I thought it was a lung issue but my mom suggested that it was muscular. Now that it’s gotten a lot better (and is pretty much gone), I have to agree with her. I’ll do a separate post about exercise and what a joke my abs are. 😉

Body Image / Weight

By the time I got home from the hospital, I was down 10 pounds. By the end of the first week, I was down 15. At 2 weeks postpartum, I was down 20. Now at 2.5 weeks postpartum, I’m down 22 pounds, putting me 13 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. (I weighed myself so often out of curiosity, not obsession.)

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As my belly has shrunk, I’ve discovered a few more stretch marks on the lower right side. They’re barely noticeable so I’m not too disheartened. I’m in no hurry to bare my belly anyway, since I still have the linea negra – which also extended to the inside of my belly button. It looks pretty strange.

Since most of the weight I gained during pregnancy was in my belly and boobs, I can actually get my pre-pregnancy pants on. But I wouldn’t say they fit – I’m pretty sure the button would fly off if I tried to sit in them, so I’m still wearing all maternity pants. I’m wearing some pre-pregnancy tops, but some still look a little strange/small/short so I’m also still wearing a lot of the tanks and sweaters I wore during pregnancy. And with the limitations of needing to wear something easy to nurse in, it feels like my wardrobe has actually shrunk postpartum, instead of expanding like I thought it would. So getting dressed in real clothes is still rife with frustration this side of pregnancy. So is finding a nursing bra that fits me and is lined so that I don’t have to show everyone the shape of my nursing pads. Seriously, some of the nursing bra designs I’ve seen are completely asinine – like a horizontal seam right across the middle of the cup. In what universe is that a good idea?

On a related note, I was also looking forward to sleeping on my stomach, but my boobs are so full and tender that it’s not even a temptation now. But I have been sleeping on my back, and that has been nice.

In happier news, I can finally wear my wedding ring again and my cankles are finally gone, so my boots also fit (which has been nice considering all the snow we’ve been getting!).

Emotional

The emotional adjustment to motherhood has been like a tame roller coaster – not a wild ride, but with some ups and downs. Breastfeeding has been the hardest part. While I do consider myself very blessed with how breastfeeding has gone so far, it’s still hard to be the only one who can feed Emma. On the days that I’m having a hard time, I feel like all my freedom is gone – I can’t hang out with friends, go to the store, exercise, or even take a nap because just about the time I decide to do one of those things, Emma wakes up because she’s hungry or wants to be held.

I’ve also felt overwhelmed by worries about making the wrong choices now – like, if we let her sleep in her swing every night, is it going to be a battle for months to get her to sleep in her crib? If we give her a pacifier because she wants to suck on something but isn’t hungry, will she still demand it when she’s 3? Then there’s the whole daunting list of things yet to do for developing their cognitive functions and motor skills, etc. I definitely feel under-equipped often.

I think part of the reason things have been hard emotionally is that it’s been snowing so much here that I haven’t been able to (or wanted to, really) get out of the house a ton. But probably the bigger reason is that like usual, I’ve been gritting my teeth to get through this, instead of going to God or Travis for help. Yesterday, I had a great time in the Word and was reminded that God’s grace is sufficient for each day, no matter what the day holds, and that I can let these hard times drive me to God and deepen my communion with Him – because He has said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” And with Travis, I just need to let go of my complex to do everything myself, and ask for his help.

I would like to do a separate post about how baby has affected our marriage so far, but I’ll just mention that even though there have been moments of tension when Emma is fussy and crying and we’re both at a loss and frustrated, having a baby has brought us closer together. We work as a team, and I love seeing how Travis loves Emma, and how he seeks to serve me in any way he can. Something I prayed about a lot before Emma came was that I wouldn’t constantly make Travis do things my way, but that I would respect him as a father and decision-maker. I’m happy to say that that hasn’t even been an issue! Perhaps it’s because I’m less confident in my own tactics than I thought I would be, or maybe it’s just because Travis is a wonderful father, but even when Travis does things differently than I would, I don’t feel the need to “correct” him. That’s evidence of God’s grace.

I’ve also noticed that my ability to hope in God’s goodness and faithfulness is directly correlated to how much sleep I get, or what time of day it is. When I’m up at 3 am to feed Emma, it’s a lot harder to trust things will get better than it is at 11 am, when I’ve had my coffee and it’s sunny outside. Because of that, this verse is especially relevant to me right now:

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:21-23)

And I think that about covers it for now!

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