Tag Archives: busyness

The busyness of leisure.

7 Feb

When I first entertained thoughts of being unemployed or working part-time (which I am currently), I thought “Imagine all the free time I’ll have! I will be able to get so much accomplished, have full days of relaxation, and still have extra time to boot!”

Hmmm… not so much.

It appears that the more free time you have, the more things you find to fill up that time. All those things that you never think about doing because you “don’t have the time,” you end up doing because well, frankly, you do have the time. But add up enough of those things and your free days are gone.

That’s where I am right now. Some people don’t know what to do with themselves when they don’t have a job. I am not one of them. I have lists and lists of stuff I want to do and my only problem is that I don’t have the time to do it all.

So what have I been doing, you might ask?

Reading. Writing. Sleeping in – glorious! Reading. Coffee dates. Laundry. Dishes. Writing. Painting. Crafts. Reading. Cleaning. Cooking.

And my new favorite thing… Yoga.

I love yoga. Back in high school, I got turned on to Pilates. And since yoga is similar to Pilates, I bought a yoga video about 3 years ago. Then about a year ago, I went to a class at a yoga studio and it kicked my butt. I also learned that I had been doing some of the poses wrong. But yoga is expensive, the studio wasn’t very close, and the class schedule didn’t jive with a 9-to-5.

So imagine my joy when I discovered that the Wheat Ridge Rec Center is now offering yoga. It’s on Mondays and Thursdays in the morning/afternoon, the class is free with a Rec membership, and the Rec is only 3 minutes from my house. It works out well for me, since I work at the church on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Obviously, if/when I get a full-time job again, the yoga classes won’t work with my schedule but I’m really enjoying it right now!

The thing I love the most about yoga is that it gives me a feeling of taking care of my body. Instead of trying to push my body beyond its limits as in endurance sports, ignoring it when it tells me to stop, I learn to listen to my body, respond to it, and appreciate it. I’m not into the whole spiritual stuff like “Become one with yourself” or “Bring in the energy” but I do believe that God calls us to be good stewards of our bodies and yoga helps me do that.

I’m still planning on getting back into triathlon training starting in March but I hope to keep going to the yoga classes. They’re great for flexibility, calming me down, and I love getting stronger without lifting weights. It’s a win-win.

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Imperfect is good enough.

9 Dec

Like many women, I struggle with an all-or-nothing mentality. Especially around this time of year when I feel like there is so much to do and so little time! Add to that a job I hate and a beach vacation the first week of January (who’s in bikini shape right after Christmas!?!?) and you’ve got a recipe for stress and many woe-is-me days.

I’ve been slightly on an emotional edge the past few days… ok, the past week… ok, the past month… ok, really since I knew I wanted to quit my job but couldn’t (which has been since the end of October). And I disliked my job long before that. Maybe I’m being a big baby, maybe I’m concentrating too much on the negatives, maybe I just need to buck up and stop complaining. I’m pretty sure all of those things are true. But the reality of the situation has not gone away – I have a really hard time being happy when I have a job I hate. And when I say hate, I mean that the very thought of doing any kind of work even remotely related to my job makes me cringe inside. I mean that I clock 3-4 hours a day by sheer grit and willpower, not because there’s even an inkling of enjoyment in it for me. I mean that I can be happy about something, smiling and skipping down the street, then I remember my job and dark rain clouds roll over my joy.

Anyway, take that whole situation and add in trying to care about my job just even a little, trusting God with getting a new job, making dinner for friends, wrapping presents, writing Christmas cards, mailing presents, decorating the house, being a hostess for a Christmas tea at church, getting in biking shape and all the other things I think I “should” be doing (like reading more, baking Christmas cookies, chitchatting with our neighbors, posting stuff to sell on ebay, and the other 25 things on my to-do list). Just a tad bit overwhelming.

I’m not writing all this to show how much more I do than anyone else. In fact, I’m pretty sure that most women out there are busier than I am. But I think we all have this tendency to think that we have to do it all perfectly, or we might as well do none of it. At least that’s my temptation. If I allow myself to get so overwhelmed that I can see there’s even the possibility of failure, I want to collapse in a heap on the floor and weep. “Why is life so hard?” I ask myself.

Well, because I’m making it that way. Instead of making these unrealistic standards, like I have to have Christmas decorations that look like they’re straight from Martha Stewart, or I need to healthy all day long and I’m never going to eat chocolate again, or I need to read a book a week, or I can never watch TV because that is wasting time that could be spent doing some productive, I need to remind myself that imperfection is good enough.

Instead of looking at the entire mountain of things to do and feeling completely paralyzed or depressed, I need to just take one thing, one manageable thing that I can do right then and do it. It may be as small as putting away a book. It could be doing the dishes, or accomplishing one step of Christmas cards, or reading just a couple verses from the Bible. And I’ve found that once I’ve gotten over the initial panic of “I can’t do all this!”, I get into the groove and accomplish more than I expected.

I also need to let go of this idea that everything has to be perfect. My Christmas decorations can have a quirky doesn’t-quite-go-together kind of feel. I can do the exercises at the gym that I know how to do instead of following the newest “Bikini Body in 28 Days!” routine that involves twisting, pulling, jumping, and screaming (that might just be my version). I can read a few pages of a book before falling asleep at night. I can let the dishes pile up in the sink and do them tomorrow.

At the core of all of this is a belief that God is the one who has everything under control. He is the one who makes it all happen, not me. It is also believing that these things I have decided that I “have to do” don’t add or subtract anything to His love for me. He loves me the most He ever will right now, because He loves me with the same love with which He loves His Son, Jesus. Did you know that it actually says that in the Bible? John 17:23 says …”that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” That’s amazing.

It is Christ’s perfection that frees us to be imperfect, to be human, to not have it all together. That doesn’t mean we don’t try to do our best. It means we don’t get discouraged by failure or depressed by overwhelming odds. We should walk through this victorious, knowing that “steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.” How I need so desperately to believe that truth in this season of my life! It is so easy to let these slight and momentary afflictions take my eyes off God and His sovereign goodness. But I mustn’t. I must keep looking to Him, trusting in Him, resting in Him. “I lift my eyes to the hills; where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.”

In the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, of the things you feel weighing you down with their urgency and importance, look to Christ and his perfection. Be content with your own unique human imperfection, remembering that “our sufficiency is from God.”

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Home for the weekend

30 Oct

Enjoying time in the Word

I realized this morning, as I was enjoying a cup of coffee and reading the Bible, that I haven’t been home on a weekend in over 6 weeks. Holy cow! No wonder I’m exhausted.

While I wish Travis and I could just go do something fun, we’ve both been so busy lately that we have to use at least part of this weekend to catch up on housework, chores, and unfortunately, do some work.

I have had time, though, to figure out who and what I’m voting for (which was a long process, since I knew practically nothing about any candidates or amendments). Travis and I are also talking about checking out Costco (for fun and to see if we want to join) and going out for sushi.

Katy wanting attention... is she not SERIOUSLY the cutest dog EVER?

Tomorrow, we are finally resuming our Panera-before-church tradition. Travis and I had been doing that for 2-3 months but once I got this job, that was pretty much out the window. We’ve started reading Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller together but we’ve only actually discussed a chapter once because of our crazy schedules. SO needless to say, I am VERY ready for some routine! And who doesn’t love Panera? Mmmm…

I have to admit, though, that remembering how much I enjoy weekends – and how much I don’t have them anymore – just reinforces my feeling that I don’t want to do this job next year. In fact, there is a position opening up in the church office that I’m going to apply for. I’ve already told the current administrator that I’m interested and I’m going to bring my resume when I go to volunteer on Monday. I’m really trying to trust the Lord with the outcome and timing but I can’t help getting excited about the idea of a real office, a regular schedule and no more volunteer coordination or timing.

I’ll let you know how that goes. In the meantime, have a great, relaxing weekend!

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Still recovering.

27 Oct

Last week was quite possibly the longest week of my life. From Sunday to Sunday, I worked 115 hours. Isn’t that ridiculous? I did nothing except eat, sleep and work. And as my last blog post described, I was really looking forward to a break this week.

No such luck.

We are announcing our 2011 race calendar on November 1st and I am supposed to have all of the race logos designed and ready for posting by then – in addition to answering all of the post-race emails from athletes and vendors, creating the 2011 marketing strategy, designing all of the t-shirts and medals, and contracting new timing clients. And that’s just work. I was also greeted by a kitchen piled high with dishes, a laundry basket overflowing with 5 loads of laundry, an empty fridge and a dog needing a trip to the vet.

After getting a good 12 hours of sleep Sunday night, I got up on Monday at 9:30. I spent some time trying to pray but just found myself getting frustrated at the full day I had ahead, instead of the relaxing day I had hoped for. Then I worked for a bit, took Katy to the vet, worked a bit more, and volunteered at the church. Travis called me and said he was coming home from hunting a day early so we ate dinner together and watched a movie.

Tuesday, I jumped out of bed with the ambition to get the house in order. I can only take messiness for so long (and it’s not even really that long). So I gathered all of the laundry and started a load, put away all the other stuff from my suitcase, did the dishes, ate breakfast, cleaned up my office, and answered some emails. Around 12:00 noon, I called it quits and went on my first run in 2 1/2 weeks. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I can indeed still run 5 miles. I’m hoping I can run quite a bit more, considering the half marathon in Malibu is just 2 1/2 weeks away. After my run, I showered and went to the church to volunteer. When I got home, I had a phone date with my friend Brittany, then Travis made dinner, we watched a couple episodes of The Office, and he went to a hockey game while I talked to my mom on the phone. Finally, it was time for bed.

This morning, I spent some time in the Word and then edited the New Members class content I have been working on for the church. I answered some more emails (they just keep coming!), then went to my last physical therapy appointment. In the car on the way there, after feeling frazzled, rushed and stressed ever since getting home, I realized that I just needed a break. I just need to catch up on all the housework and take a breather. Then I can dive in tomorrow.

So I did. I took the afternoon off. After my appointment, I went grocery shopping, finished the laundry, and then read a magazine and watched some Desperate Housewives. I would be taking a nap right now except I am not really physically tired – just emotionally tired. And I wanted to read the blogs I follow, as well as post on mine. In 10 minutes, I’m going to go on a nice little 3-mile run, then shower and go to Care Group for dinner and discussion. I can’t say that I feel quite recharged yet – that will probably take a few weeks. But this afternoon definitely helped.

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Some much-needed relaxation

28 Sep

I am currently sitting in my room at The Dana of Mission Bay in not-so-sunny-right-now San Diego. Travis is taking a class down here for work and invited me to come along. Stay in California for a week FREE? Heck yeah!

But I’m not doing much to take advantage of my beautiful surroundings today – I ate breakfast with Travis and then spent the morning in bed watching TV. I kept thinking that I should get up and do something but I am utterly exhausted. We had another race this past weekend and working 26 hours in 2 days out in the sun definitely takes a toll. It takes me at least a day of being a bum to feel human again, especially when I don’t have any coffee!! I don’t have a car and our hotel is about a mile from anything – walkable but Travis is concerned about me going anywhere on my own. And actually, I would be totally fine with just bumming around the hotel but my internet connection barely works so I can’t work, can’t watch movies, can’t blog (I’m doing this on my phone, which works but isn’t ideal.) I don’t even have any sunscreen so I can’t lay out much either. Tomorrow I’m going to see if I can drive Travis to his class and then take the car to a coffee shop with free wifi. Then I might go to a book store or shopping.

The ironic part about this is that I always dream about days like this – just getting to lay around, reading, blogging, getting in the word. All the time in the world. But my feeling of guilt over not being productive or making the most of my day makes me realize that I have made productivity an idol. I mean, in reality, I am not being lazy – I am recovering from being legitimately worn out. And its only one day! In fact, I only laid in bed for 4 hours – not even a quarter of a day!

But even so, I find that the way I feel about myself is effected when I feel lazy. I don’t feel as valuable or as lovable. And that means my identity is wrapped up in how much I get done in any particular day, not in Christ alone.

It’s amazing to me how fast my flesh runs to things of this world to justify my existence. It’s not enough that the God of the universe loves me eternally – I need to prove how much I’m worth by being thin, well-dressed, smart, and having everything under control. I need to accomplish things, to do stuff showing I am not just taking up space here. But like any idol, my idol of busyness robs me of my joy and my need for rest. Jesus offers me rest, not more work. Not only that, He devoted an entire day to resting, because He knows we need it. He even rested from His own work after creating the world! So rest is a good thing. And I’m thankful because I really need some! And now its off to time in the word, some reading, and a nap.

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The eye of the storm.

15 Jun

The past few weeks have been pretty relaxed with my job, compared to the first 3 months of chaos. We don’t have another one of our events until July 17th, so we have a little lull here in the crap-ton of planning and prepping that goes into putting on our own race. Which means I am left with just having to prep for, travel to, and work timing events every weekend. Still a lot of travel for me (every weekend until the last weekend in July – I’ll have been traveling for 11 weekends straight) but less stuff during the week, which means I get to take advantage of a little downtime.

This is definitely one of the major perks of this job – getting to structure my day how I see fit, going on a run at 11 am, grocery shopping after lunch, taking a nap if I need it. I don’t have to sit at a desk pretending to do work when I don’t have any work to do. Instead, I can go sit outside and read a book. Or I can watch 4 episodes of Desperate Housewives in a row. It’s absolutely wonderful.

This coming weekend I’m off to Rapid City, SD. Then it’s SLC, UT. Then Colorado Springs. Then Helena, MT. Then Price, UT. Then back to SLC, UT. Then a weekend off!!! But Travis and I will probably go camping somewhere so I still won’t be home.

But I actually don’t mind not getting to spend the weekends at home. I’m usually back Saturday night so I have the whole day Sunday here and then I’m working from home during the week so it doesn’t feel like I’m gone all that much. Like this past weekend, I left Friday morning and came back Saturday night. It was a whirlwind of a trip but definitely worth having the extra time at home to see Travis.

So I’m really enjoying my job lately, despite the hectic pace and stress of actually being at the timing events. The event this past weekend went pretty well – some technical difficulties while we were at the race but everything ended up working out in the end, so I feel like the race is one of the best ones I’ve done yet. Definitely the best a race has gone when it has just been me timing with an intern. So there’s that.

And when things do go well, I am left feeling incredibly blessed by the Lord, knowing that He is behind all the tiny little details, orchestrating everything.

But I know that this peacefulness is just temporary – come mid-July, we will be putting on one of our own races every 2 weeks until the end of October. This is really just the eye of the storm. It’s going to get worse – in fact, worse than it has been the first 3 months of this job. So I’m really trying to soak up and enjoy this lull, this break because soon, it’ll be go time.

But it’s not go time right now. 🙂

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Whirlwind.

24 Feb

Wow, things are busy. Today at work was just crazy, then after work, I ran to Target to buy ice cream sandwiches for care group, raced home to cook a box of pasta, drove to care group (which was relaxing), then hurried home to pack for leaving for our Salt Lake City trip tomorrow afternoon. I know that tomorrow will be another extremely busy day at work (albeit a short one since I’ll be leaving at 2:30) so I want to get to bed soon.

I am really looking forward to our little getaway trip. The forecast for Salt Lake City is rain/snow on Saturday and cloudy on Sunday but I’m not that bummed because I’m mostly just looking forward to some relaxation. Reading the Bible and books, doing crosswords, watching TV while cuddling, talking. I’m also excited to explore the city – but at a very relaxed, got-nowhere-to-be pace.

I’m not usually a very busy person. It’s not really my style. I can handle it well in work settings but in my personal life, I don’t handle it well at all. I had numerous emotional breakdowns in college from feeling overwhelmed and too busy. I need down time. I need alone time. I need time to read, write and think.

So when I do get busy in my personal life, I don’t really have anything in place to keep me from overdoing things. Take triathlon training last April/May/June. It consumed my life. I was dedicated to my training, which is good, but it was at the expense of other things, like spending time with my husband, relaxing, cooking, and enjoying life.

This week, busyness has eaten up my time with God. Completely. I think about it every morning but because I need to get to work by 8 (instead of moseying in around 8:15 or 8:30) to get my hours in, I have been sacrificing my quiet time. Now that I have a job with more flexibility, I will have more opportunity for getting time in the Word – but because the job will be so demanding and busy over the next several months, I will have to guard my time with God jealously.

That is something I am making an even more heartfelt commitment to as I enter into a new season with this new job: fellowship. I don’t want to “neglect meeting together, as is the habit of some.” I want to continue going to care group, to women’s group, to the women’s book group, to church as often as possible. I want to continue getting in the Word daily, listening to sermons, and pondering spiritual truths and how they apply to my life. I don’t want to let my spiritual life slide just because I no longer work at a ministry or because I no longer have a typical 9 to 5.

So that’s really what this whole post is about: not wanting to let the most important things slide due to busyness. It’s not worth it.

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The best me

15 Jun

Lately, I have felt discombobulated and unlike myself. I’ve lost all desire to cook and grocery shop. I don’t even have much energy to make more than a bowl of cereal to eat. I feel lazy when it comes to reading the Bible and other books. I’d rather sleep in than work out in the morning and I update my triathlon blog more out of guilt than excitement.

What happened? I got off track. My schedule got derailed and I haven’t been able to re-rail it. Instead of following a predictable order, my day is a jumble of necessities, thrown together in a haphazard manner.

It’s at times like this that I have two main thoughts running through my mind. One, I envy people who have the same routine day after day, year after year. How do they stay “on track” amidst the chaos of life? I can get into a routine for about a week and then something happens that knocks everything off kilter and I have to find a new routine (which only lasts for a week before being replaced by a new one). I had gotten in to a routine of getting in the Word during lunch. All it takes is a day when I have to skip my lunch to take Travis to the airport and before I know it, 4 days have gone by without my getting in the Word.

Two, I am amazed by people who work full-time, have families, volunteer in their community, serve at church, and bake cookies for sick children at the hospital. Ok, I’ll be honest. I don’t actually know anyone like that. But I do know several busy people. My older brother Brian for one. It seems like he always has 50 different projects going on at once. I don’t know how he stays sane amidst it all. I wouldn’t even say that I have a busy life and I struggle with keeping it all together.

Which makes me wonder, where does all my time go? Especially lately, with the triathlon training. I feel inadequately disciplined to get everything done that I think I should be doing. Like my New Year’s Resolutions? For the past several months, even just getting time in the Word has been a struggle, let alone listening to a sermon outside of church, memorizing verses, and praying regularly. As I list all those things, I know ways that I could squeeze them into my day. But when I get busy, I tend to get lazy. I push things off with the excuse “I’m too tired.”  

Anyway, I did not mean this post to be a lament at how much I fail at achieving my own goals. Rather, I meant it to be a reflection on what I am learning about myself. I am not a person who sticks to a routine. I am not anal about my schedule and I can be steered from my pattern very easily. I don’t have an obsessive personality so I will never truly excel at one specific thing. Rather, I will be more of a Jack of All Trades, being mediocre at many things. And I’m ok with that.

I’m also learning that God did create me to be a busy person. That’s not my personality, natural inclination, or even my gifting. I can handle busyness for only so long before I have a breakdown and cry for at least an hour (which happened many times in college). I am not a person who likes or can handle having every second of every day crammed with activity, meetings, friends, To-Do’s, and errands. I need down time. I need time to read, exercise, take naps, blog, and veg in front of the TV.

For so long I have seen these traits in myself and wanted to change them. Why can’t I be more disciplined? Why can’t I stick to a routine against all odds? Why can’t I work full time and have 5 different extracurricular activities? Why can’t I work full time and have even one?

I’m not trying to sell myself short but I don’t want to insist that I be someone I’m not before I believe that I’ve reached my “true potential.” It’s a fact that I will never be a social butterfly, never be the person who meets random strangers everywhere I go and have thousands of acquaintances. That’s not who I am. 

It’s so easy to get trapped into thinking that as a Christian, I have to act and be like other Christians. The president of the ministry I work for is a very outgoing (some would say obnoxious) person, sharing the gospel with complete strangers constantly. I admire his extroversion because I am not. And while I know that my introversion is sometimes sinful, I don’t believe that I have to become extroverted in order to be an effective witness.

What I want to know is how I can be the best me, not attempt to a version of someone else. God created me the way I am, including my whimsicalness and propensity for relaxation, for a reason. As a woman made in God’s image, I showcase His glory in a unique way, in a way that people with routines and busy lives don’t (and they showcase His glory in their own unique way too, as long as they’re believers). Instead of fighting who I am, or striving to be someone I am not, I want to embrace who I am and what I’m like. I want to use it to glorify God and not lament who He created me to be. I want to reach my full potential, as I am, and not waste the precious time and personality He has given me.

How easy it is for Satan to get ahold of our minds and make us discontent by getting us to envy someone else who we think is better/prettier/skinnier/wealthier/happier!! Just tonight I was jealous because Travis is a better biker than me, even though I’ve been training for a tri for the past 3 months and he has ridden a bike once in the past year. My sinful flesh screamed “It’s not fair!! Why can’t I be better than him for once?” Similarly, with all the exercise I’ve been doing, I get frustrated that I’m not miraculously losing weight. “It’s not fair! Why can’t I just be thin for once?”

Loving Father that He is, God turns me back to Himself time and time again. “Kathy, that is not where happiness lies. Even if you were to be better than Travis and have a flat stomach, you would still desire something more. I am that Something More. I am the fulfillment of the yearning in your heart. Me and Me alone.”

Praise the Father for His faithfulness and steadfastness! How reassuring to know that He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I change moment to moment, never sticking to a routine or schedule, but He never changes. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.

“Though I be dry and barren

By grace this love springs forth

Love for You and Your kingdom

Joy in Your glory Lord.”

 

“Jesus my only hope, my only plea,

My righteousness, My Great High Priest,

Who intercedes before the throne,

Jesus I trust in You alone!”

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