Tag Archives: food

Hungry

1 Feb

This past weekend, I tore through the book Hungry by Crystal Renn. It literally took me just Saturday and Sunday afternoon to finish the 226-page book. But she has a very conversational tone and it’s a book about modeling and the rejection of starvation so it was a pretty easy read.

But an effective read.

Just a little background on Crystal, she is the leading plus-size model in America. And by plus, I mean she’s a 12 (not that big at all). She’s 22 right now and has already appeared in 4 international editions of Vogue (something unheard of when she started plus-size modeling back in 2004ish) and a slew of other high-profile, high-glamour publications and runway shows. She’s changing the face (er, body) of high fashion modeling as I type.

The book interested me from the start because it’s about a girl practically my same age who fell prey to the same body image demon that a lot of women (myself included) fall prey to: the idol of thinness. She was anorexic for about 2 years before deciding to step out boldly and attempt to be both a high-fashion and a plus-size model.

For me, similar to Crystal, the battle to love my body began in 7th grade. Not surprisingly, the despicable area (to me) was my stomach. Come to think of it, that was the only thing I didn’t like about my body throughout high school and into college. It’s the first place my body gains weight and the last place it loses it. No matter how strong and toned my stomach muscles are, it all hides under a layer of flab (Travis loves my belly, a fact that continues to mystify me). I know that if I just buckled down and didn’t eat so much ice cream chocolate or drank so much wine and instead counted calories and exercised like a nazi, I could lose the weight.

But let’s be honest – that sounds like hell.

That’s what Hungry is all about. Life is too short, relationships are too precious, that we shouldn’t spend all of our time worrying about being a certain size in pants or a certain number on the scale. For me, it’s reminding myself that I can be happy without washboard abs. And indeed, getting those washboard abs would guarantee misery for me because I would have to count calories, give up my favorite foods, and hand over my life to an illusion that is constantly just out of reach. I would rather enjoy life, eat great food, and do what I love than be a slave to image.

Of course, this is all so easy to say in the confines of my home office, where I am wearing a sweatshirt and slouching. But it’s a lot harder to accept myself when I go to Mexico and am surrounded by my bikini-clad, impossibly thin sisters-in-law. [They are great women and I love being around them. They are not judgmental at all and I have never had rude/snotty comments made about me. And I have to be honest and say that I’m not the giant cow I make myself out to be (though if you asked me on a different day, I might say otherwise).] Nonetheless, I have body issues. I’m sure every woman does and I have tried to remind myself of that.

But here’s what I’m learning. It isn’t worth the pain and anguish and worry to look a certain way. It’s better for me to wear a tankini and just cover up the area that gives me so much grief so that I can relax and enjoy myself already. I’m not trying to seduce anyone anyway – in fact, I have spent hours scouring racks in search of a bikini that doesn’t give this 34D girl major cleave (my search has, so far, been unsuccessful).

Not only does my obsession with looking a certain way (but never quite getting there) make me miserable, it makes me judgmental of other women. [This is hard to admit and I only do so because I think it’s the elephant in the corner. I think more women do this than like to admit it because it casts ourselves in a bad light. But hey, I know I’m a sinner in need of a Savior so I can fight against these tendencies with the freedom of knowing that even when I fail, I am still loved by God.] I am constantly comparing myself with them: “Skinnier than her – I’m better. She’s skinnier than me – I suck!”

In her book, Crystal tells women that they cannot look to the external world and society for validation and acceptance. That has to come from inside. As a Christian, I totally agree with her but would also add that validation and acceptance comes from being reminded of how precious we are in God’s eyes because of what Christ has done for us. We wear the robe of righteousness, of perfection.

More than that, God has created each of us to be different – to be exactly the way we are. I can stomp my feet all I want at how God created me but the fact that He created me to have long legs, a short torso, and a skinny little neck is a fact of life. I can spend my entire life wanting to change it (and being unsuccessful) or I can, like Crystal encourages, accept my uniqueness and embrace who I am, as a unique woman with a unique body shape.

Crystal talks about women having a “set point” – a weight that their body naturally prefers and gravitates to. I can back that up with experience from my own life. As an adult, I have always been about the same weight. The low exception was when I studied abroad in Venezuela (all the food went straight through me and I lost about 8 pounds in 6 weeks) and the high exception was when I was a pothead my freshman year of college and got the fierce munchies every night (I gained 20 pounds in about 2.5 months). But other than that, I’ve been pretty much the same weight as an adult, give or take 5 pounds.

I have also found that I am happier when I am focused on feeling and being healthy, instead of looking a certain way. I don’t feel healthy when I eat too much food for dinner or lay around on the couch all day. I don’t feel healthy when all I just eat sugar or I eat a big, greasy meal (my acid reflux hates me then too). I DO feel healthy when I take time to prepare and enjoy real meals (instead of grab-n-go stuff like I did in college), when I exercise regularly (pilates and swimming especially), and when I take time to relax and enjoy reading, writing, blogging, and hanging out with my husband and girlfriends.

I am all for women respecting themselves and their bodies by healthy living. Whether that that means their set point is a 2 or 12, that is how God made them. This book has completely changed the way I look at overweight people. Who am I to judge? I don’t know near the whole story and if they are overweight because of emotional issues, then they need a friend, not a judge. Healthy women are beautiful. (I pray that I will believe this more and more each day).

This pledge was in Crystal’s book (and she got it from Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon). It is my new credo:

The Live Well Pledge

Today, I will try to feed myself when I am hungry.

Today, I will try to be attentive to how foods taste and make me feel.

Today, I will try to choose foods that I like and that make me feel good.

Today, I will try to honor my body’s signals of fullness.

Today, I will try to find an enjoyable way to move my body.

Today, I will try to look kindly at my body and to treat it with love and respect.

I think that embracing and cherishing the body that God has given us is glorifying Him. It’s saying that His blessing in our lives is enough. His standard of beauty, and not the world’s, is what matters. “There is great gain in godliness with contentment.”

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Finally, peace with food.

5 Dec

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about my relationship with food. I wrote about my desire to eat intuitively instead of counting calories in February and then about my failure at doing so in March. After those posts, Travis and I went on a weeklong vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with my parents, brothers & significant others, aunt & uncle, 3 cousins, & 1 of their girlfriends, where I proceeded to overeat at every meal, despite my best intentions to keep things under control. Not only that, but my stomach was upset every time I ate for the next 2 weeks. Not fun.

After our vacation, my triathlon training began in earnest. I went gung-ho into training, so much so that I lost all motivation to do anything else. I went to work, trained, ate and slept. I didn’t want to grocery shop or cook. I didn’t want to blog or read. I just wanted to sleep and eat. I mention this because while training for the tri, I cut out my usual indulgences (ice cream and wine) for the sake of training but since I was burning anywhere from 300-800 calories in a single workout, I was eating a lot. Not more than I needed at the time but just more than I had been pre-training. Calorie counting was a joke. For me, my appetite fluctuated so much from day to day and workout to workout that I just ate when I was hungry and tried to make those foods ones that would help my training.

After my first tri, I realized that training had taken over my life. I love cooking but I had resorted to making Easy Mac and frozen pizzas for dinner. Something had to change. So I decided that I would do as much training for the next tri as I could without having it take over my life. Some workouts were missed or shortened but I was making real food for dinner. Travis was glad to have me back. My tri time may have suffered but I am not in it to win it anyway. The winners in my age group are WAY faster than I am so I would have major improvements to do if I wanted to be competitive. Do I want it that much? Not if it means it takes over my life.

I really don’t know what changed during that time. Maybe I became more adept at listening to (and responding to) my body’s signals. Maybe the eureka moment about my priorities helped cement my feeling about calorie counting being a waste of time and not glorifying to God. Maybe tri training took my mind off food obsession just long enough for me to conquer it. I really don’t know.

But I do know that my relationship with food is totally different now than it was back when I wrote those initial blog posts. I almost don’t want to admit it, for fear of jinxing it and having it go back to the way things were. In my post about wanting to eat intuitively, I wrote,

“Growing up, I had a fast metabolism and never worried about what I ate or how much. I just ate whatever I wanted. If I wanted a doughnut, I ate a doughnut. If I wanted a chocolate milk and PB&J on a bagel for lunch every day for months, I ate it. I was free from worry about food.

I envy those days. I want them back. My life now is consuming with thinking about food.”

I can honestly say that I have those days back and my life is no longer consumed with thinking about food (although, like the typical woman, I still do think about food quite a bit!). I am no paranoid about gaining weight. I don’t obsess over every little calorie. I don’t feel guilty eating a cookie…or two. I don’t feel the compulsive urge to eat everything on a buffet table before it’s gone. I can pick at my food. I can leave something on my plate when it’s not as good as I thought it would be.

For me personally, this is earth shattering. Even though I wasn’t overweight, my childhood and teenage years were frequently punctuated with eating so much, I only wanted to lie down afterwards. During my first year of college, when I was smoking pot every day and binge drinking every weekend, overeating practically happened every day. I gained 20 lbs in 3 months.

My sophomore year was the first time I was obsessed with exercise and counting calories. I lost all the weight I had gained my freshman year but my focus on weight killed any happiness that would have given me.

That struggle obviously lasted long after I became a Christian, since I was still struggling with it back in March of this year (and I’ve been a Christian now for almost 5.5 years). And I hate to say it at risk of sounding cliche, but reading the book Intuitive Eating really changed my relationship with food. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who has had issues with food.

The authors start small and work up to the big picture. First, they tell you to get rid of the “One Last Diet” mentality. No diet is ever going to help you reach your natural body weight without you constantly monitoring what you eat. Diets provoke feelings of guilt and deprivation, which is why they never work long-term. Rather, by giving yourself completely unrestricted permission to eat anything, anytime (as long as you’re actually hungry), you destroy the power that food has in your life. You may not experience it right away but you will get to the point where you can turn down food or eat food, not out of guilt or adherence to rules, but because you honestly want to.

I experienced this most poignantly at Thanksgiving this year. We had eaten the Thanksgiving meal and an hour or so later, were going to have pumpkin pie. My former self would have eaten pie regardless of how full I was. But this year, I honestly did not feel like having pie because I was still full from dinner and would not be able to enjoy the pie as much I would be able to if I wanted until I was less full. So I had a cup of coffee instead.

What? Is that me making those decisions? Since when don’t I want pie?

Another instance was last night at Travis’ company Christmas party. It was at a bowling alley and the party package included appetizers like sliders (which I absolutely love) and pizza. Usually, I pig out when surrounded by food. But I didn’t last night. I ate just the right amount and when I noticed that I was getting full, I stopped eating. Maybe that sounds normal for you but it is a huge step for me. And not only am I more at peace with my body now than I have ever been as an adult, I have even lost 5 lbs! The weight loss is totally a bonus though because even if it hadn’t happened, I love feeling the freedom and joy in not being dominated by food.

I’ve been listening to sermons by Tim Keller recently and he often talks about the Greek word “epithemia” which means “overdesire” or “epidesire.” My epidesire for pleasure and happiness used to reveal itself in food. I used to (subconsciously) think that food brought happiness and that eating lots of good food would make me happy. As it turns out, it doesn’t. It actually just makes you more miserable.

And that’s not a surprise. Because true happiness and joy come only through having a relationship with Christ. Regardless of what we try to use to fill the void in our souls, whether it be food, sex, drugs, moral deeds, or material possessions, we will always come up empty at the end of it, inflated with a superficial joy that pops whenever a tough circumstance rears its ugly head.

I may not fully understand how I got here, just like I don’t fully comprehend how God sanctifies me,  but I do know that it has brought me joy and turned my focus back to God and His priorities. And that is a beautiful thing.

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Food.

21 Feb

It’s a powerful thing, isn’t it? It’s the thing that keeps us alive…but when we eat too much, it kills us (albeit indirectly). The stereotypical modern American lifestyle revolves around it. Every occasion is an occasion to eat. And eat, we do.

I have a hard time with food. Mostly because I have a hard time with my body image. I exercise and eat right for the health benefits, yes. But I would lying if I didn’t say that 95% of the reason I do those things is because I want to look a certain way.

That may come as a surprise to some since I’ve been fairly thin my whole life. Growing up, I had a fast metabolism and never worried about what I ate or how much. I just ate whatever I wanted. If I wanted a doughnut, I ate a doughnut. If I wanted a chocolate milk and PB&J on a bagel for lunch every day for months, I ate it. I was free from worry about food.

I envy those days. I want them back. My life now is consuming with thinking about food. Make sure I eat a certain number of calories, consume enough protein, don’t eat refined carbs, stay away from fried foods, and on and on and on.  

All self-imposed rules, might I add.

This issue is coming to the forefront now because I have been counting calories for the past 3 months. Counting calories was something I had steered clear of for several years after becoming a Christian because I felt like I couldn’t do it without my body and weight becoming idols. I even blogged about this very thing a little less than a year ago.

But somehow, this time I was able to convince myself that monitoring my calorie intake with a microscope was ok, that in fact, I was taking better care of my body by making sure I didn’t eat more calories than my body really needed. And I was making sure that I consumed enough protein (something my diet legitimately lacks, since I am not a meat lover).  

No matter how long I think about it or in what way I think about it, I can’t come up with a God-glorifying justification that I actually believe. I just don’t buy it. For me, this can’t be glorifying to God. How can it be? I’m living trapped in this fear of overeating and gaining weight. Other Christians may be able to diligently diet in faith. I am not one of them.

It’s sadly a truth I’ve known all along and tried to deny. I didn’t want that to be the truth because that meant I wasn’t glorifying God. Which meant that I shouldn’t be dieting. Which meant that I would gain weight. And that would be the most horrible thing in the world (I am being facetious). 

So after a few days of uncontrolled eating (and way too many sweets), I’ve admitted that not only is calorie counting not working (because it makes me feel either constantly deprived or anxious about eating), it’s wasting my life. The physical body I live in right now is not immortal. I won’t have this body in eternity. I will have a new body, a perfect body. A body that will no longer be my idol. Just think of all the prayers I could say or verses I could memorize if I channeled my obsessive energies there!

I admit that giving dieting up scares me. It is the area of my life that I control. If I count my calories, I get to decide how much I weigh and what my body looks like. If I let go and trust my body and God for natural cues, He gets to decide it. What if He decides to make me fat?!? is the thought that immediately runs through my mind.

FYI, I know that thought is stupid.

But it’s my fear that helps me see that not only does faith apply to this situation, it is necessary for success. I can’t conquer this alone. I need the Lord to help me. I need to trust that: 

1) He cares deeply about even this vain little trial. “I came that you may have life and have it abundantly,” Jesus said. 

2) He has equipped and will sustain me with everything I need to live a life that is glorifying to Him, weight issues included.

3) He will continue to love me unconditionally and perfectly through it all, even when I fail, sin and pity myself.

4) His definition of beauty is the one that matters and is valid. The world’s definition does not and is not.

5) I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That means that not only am I beautiful the way I am (because I reflect Christ in me) but my body is an amazing thing that baffles even the smartest scientists. It is an intelligent work of art and I need to respect it…by trusting it to know what it needs instead of using external cues to determine that.

I am re-reading the book Intuitive Eating. I liked the book when I read it before but I realize now that I was trapped in what they call the “One Last Diet” mentality, thinking that if I did just one more diet, I would finally reach the point where I was satisfied with my body and once I got there, I could then figure it all out.

Well, I still haven’t gotten there so I’m re-reading the book. I’m taking it seriously this time and fighting the urge to count calories. I am done with that!! (Feel free to ask me anytime if I stuck to that!) No more diets for me. This book isn’t necessarily biblical but it’s all about listening to your body, respecting it, and taking care of it–a lifestyle that I feel would honor and glorify God more than dieting does.

So there you have it. I plan to blog about how things are going. I’m sure that there will other random crap thrown in along with it but hopefully, this “journey” will benefit others as well.

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One Month…

16 Feb

until I’ll be sitting on a beach in Mexico with a Kahlua Mudslide in my hand, the sun on my face, and the sand beneath my feet.

Since yesterday marks a month until our vacation, I thought I would give an update on my goals for 2009 and the deal Travis and I have to not eat sweets, except on Sundays.

First, I’ve been doing pretty good with my goals. I haven’t met them all every week (I have ended up missing a day in the Word here and there) but I have met almost all of them most weeks.

Spiritually, I have been memorizing one verse each week, listening to a sermon (besides the one in church on Sunday) every week, and studying my Bible every day.

Physically, I have been exercising 5-7 days a week, though I haven’t strictly adhered to the schedule of what I would do each day. As much as I try to coax my personality into being planned and predictable, it’s just not me. I fly by the seat of my pants, exercise included. So I have been mixing it up between step aerobics (after taking a 2-week hiatus because of the nice weather more given to running), running outside, elliptical intervals, and 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels (a killer workout if I do say so myself!)

My eating has been pretty good. I do really well during the week because I have the structure of work hours and I bring all my food to work so I can’t eat more food by just walking into the kitchen. As such, weekends are a little more sketchy. I tend to overeat carbs when I’m tired and lazy, which frequently happens on the weekends (cereal being the most frequent victim).

This past weekend, Valentine’s Day and then our V-Day dinner last night (which was delicious and wonderful, BTW!) should have made out for a huge calorie blowout but I actually planned out my meals, controlled my hunger and kept active. So it was a lot better than it could have been.

Though I have still been counting calories every day in preparation for Mexico, I really want to go back to Intuitive Eating after the vacation. I’m sick of worrying about the calories in every single bit of food and staying under a certain limit. But I will say that it has helped me get an understanding of how much food I need each day, what portion sizes look like, and how much easier it is to eat 500 calories than it is to burn it off through exercise (or even to just cut it out of your diet!).

As far as our little n0-sweets deal, it has been going surprisingly well. There are those stressful days when we both long for chocolate (me) or a Mountain Dew pick-me-up (Travis). But I’d say we have stuck to the plan about 95%. Travis caved and had a pop a few weeks ago and then had some Girl Scout cookies today. I have had a few caramel lattes and frappucinos from Starbuck’s (though they were all skinny ones with no whip!)

In a way, I actually like having this deal going because then I have an excuse to say no when people offer me cookies and cake and candy at work. It’s a strange phenomenon that ladies on The Nest’s Health and Fitness board have observed: eating is a social thing. By turning down someone’s brownies, they somehow feel that you are turning them down as people. Like if you don’t want their chocolatey, gooey goodness, you don’t want to be their friend either.

I noticed this at my last job back in Minnesota. Every Monday, in order to encourage their employees to come to work on time (and let’s face it, come to work period), they would cater in donuts and bagels. Well, donuts pretty much have negative nutritional value and bagels are 300-400 calories of refined carbs that leave you hungry an hour later so needless to say, I always ate my breakfast at home.

Maybe it was their goodwill but I swear, because I was one of very few people who remained at their desk instead of racing to the door the minute the donuts were delivered, people went out of their way to make sure I knew the donuts had been delivered.

“Kathy, there are donuts in the kitchen.”

“Uh huh, thanks!”

“Kathy, did you know that the donuts are here?”

“Yep, thanks! I just don’t want one.”

“Kathy, did you get a donut? There aren’t many left in there!”

“No I didn’t get one but really, I’m O-K.”

Dare 2 Share is not immune to this…but then, I don’t know if any American corporate workplace is.

Anyway, I feel like because I have this deal with Travis, I finally have an acceptable excuse to not indulge every whim that comes along. Because wanting to be healthy and not each tons of extra empty calories is a silly thing for a girl like me to do, right?

Well, this post that was supposed to be short has turned into a post that is accidentally long. So I’m going to go to bed now!

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Chocolate Sunday

19 Jan

After gorging ourselves silly on cookies, cakes, bars, and fudge over the Christmas holiday, Travis and I decided to limit our sweets intake to one day a week–Sunday. The first week was rough. I craved chocolate, candy, and ice cream just about every waking moment (but thankfully, I did not dream about it). The 2nd week was better. Last week was no problem. I can handle this no-sweets-until-Sunday thing.

That is, until Sunday. I tried to tell myself that just because I was allowed to eat chocolate, didn’t mean I had to.

I didn’t listen.

I blame Saturday. It got me on the wrong track. For some strange reason, I was absolutely starving on Saturday. I had eaten 1,000 calories well before noon. Finally, we got out of the house and went ice skating on a frozen lake up in Evergreen, CO. I am surprisingly a very good ice skater, considering I’ve ice skated probably 3 times in the past 4 years. Travis and I hit the hockey puck around for about an hour and then my toes had frozen so we left.

We had dinner at One World Cafe, on Charlie’s recommendation (Trav’s boss). I had a glass of Riesling on a how-in-the-world-could-it-possibly-be-empty-considering-all-the-food-you’ve-eaten-today stomach–meaning it gave me a little buzz. So after dinner, we mosied next door to Cactus Jack’s, a bar full of rough middle-aged mountain folk and a handful of no-good college students. I had 2 vodka cranberries and a basket of fries while Travis shot antelope and zebras on Big Buck Hunter. After about 30 minutes, Trav’s boss, Charlie, and his wife, Karen, showed up so we hung out with them for a while.

If you haven’t guessed, that basket of fries was totally uncalled for. And 1 glass of wine + 2 vodka cranberries is more than enough booze to get me slightly drunk (I am a total lightweight). So I woke up Sunday morning swearing off hard liquor (darn vodka!) and greasy foods.

Oh, but my delicious chocolate was conveniently exempt from those 2 categories.

After a sensible breakfast of Cherrios with a sliced banana and 1% milk (and possibly a coffee topped with about 4 inches of fat-free Cool whip), we went to church. After church, we went to Walmart, where I proceeded to buy my absolute favorite Easter candy: a Reese’s peanut butter egg. They are delicious. I decided to share the egg with Travis so that I wouldn’t feel SO guilty about eating the 180-cal egg-shaped bundle of chocolatey, peanut buttery goodness. There was one little chunk left and I was going to let Travis have it. At the same moment that I held it out to him, he grabbed the gum out of his mouth and flung it in my direction into a garbage can…

…effectively hitting my hand so that the Reese’s chunk flew up into the air and then down onto the Walmart parking lot.

I stood there making a pouty face for about 30 seconds before I deftly picked the chunk up and popped it into my mouth. Hey–I wasn’t about to let it go to waste!

Travis later told me that when he saw me do that, he realized how desperate I was for chocolate and knew that there was no hope for me.

I finished what I started by eating a minty chocolate layered bar, a chocolate-covered peanut butter ball, and 2 heaping bowls of Moose Tracks ice cream.

It was a quite a feat, I tell ya. I mean, not everyone can eat an entire day’s worth of calories in CHOCOLATE (although I’m willing to bet that any female could!)

It makes me wonder if I’m really benefitting from this whole sweets-only-on-Sundays plan or if it’s just turning me into a chocolate craving maniac? I guess we’ll find out next Sunday… 🙂

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The holiday weekend

30 Nov

This holiday weekend felt blissfully long and disappointingly short. Long because Friday I woke up and felt like it should be Sunday–but there were 2 more glorious days to go until then. Short because it’s now over.

Yesterday, Travis and I went to Barnes and Noble to look at books. I bought “The Rhythm of Life: Living Every Day with Passion & Purpose” by Matthew Kelly. I’m excited to read it, but won’t let myself start it until I finish “Knowing God” (which I find very hard to read when I’m sick because when my head hurts and my ears are ringing, I can’t concentrate on anything very deep).

Then we went to the Rec. I had to exercise. I can’t stand sitting around all day “resting.” I feel worse when I do that. So I walked on the treadmill at an incline and then did situps. Today I did one of my Pilates videos. It feels good to be active again (I didn’t exercise at all last week due to being sick).

Last night, we went to the Nutcracker with Paul and Carrie. It was so fun to watch! It made me really want to dance again. The school that put it on (the Boulder Ballet) has a drop-in Beginner’s Ballet class for adults on Monday nights. It’s up in Boulder so I may not do it…but I have definitely been motivated to search more earnestly for an adult class that I can take.

Today I decided to not go to church. I can’t sing (my voice has been coming and going due to coughing a lot) and we were supposed to be working the Toddler room (which I couldn’t because of being sick…though the Lord was very faithful in finding someone to cover for me). I listened to last week’s sermon by John Piper instead. It was good–and it reminds me of how much I miss his preaching. Travis and I continue to try to keep open minds for our main pastor…but more often than not, we walk away from his sermons feeling a little disappointed.

I just love Piper’s enthusiasm, his child-like wonder at the Word of God that inspires me to see it through a new lense. I love how he quotes other Bible verses to show how the whole Bible ties together. I love how he digs deeper and doesn’t just tell us what the verse means but analyzes why the verse means what it does and what that meaning means our relationship with God. I love being challenged to see the Bible in new ways and being convicted that I do not understand the gospel enough nor am I sufficiently riveted by it.

One benefit of this whole being-sick thing is that it has motivated me to take my health more seriously. I have known that I need to drink more water (especially living in CO–I get headaches from being dehydrated frequently), exercise more (I’ve been averaging 2-3 times a week), and cutting back on the sweets (at home I do pretty well but at work…) I have been inspired to drink more water, exercise at least 5 times a week, and to really limit my sweets to at most one a day and to make them things that really count (no more Tootsie Rolls and peanut butter cups at work!)

We’ll see how long it lasts…but I’m really going to try!!

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To blog or not to blog?

18 Oct

I am going to warn you now that this post could be scattered and random, since I have quite a few thoughts in my head and they are not all completely related… Also, I am using my laptop to type this and for some reason, it thinks that I want to search for something on the web page every time I want to insert an apostrophe. So I will not be using many contractions, even thought it makes me sound kinda stuffy.

I started my blog back in January because I love to write. I double-majored in Journalism and Spanish in college so pretty much all I did in college was write. I learned that to really hone your writing skills and produce any work worth reading, you need to constantly practice. Writers need to force themselves to write, even if it is one of those days that putting words on paper seems like pulling teeth.

Well, with a full-time job to work, a house to clean and manage, church activities to attend, and House episodes to watch, I do not have much time to write. I am toying with the idea of working 4 10-hour days (my work changed the HR policy for hourly employees to allow them to do that). I could use that day off to write and volunteer at a pregnancy center. But with my old boss leaving and a lot of stuff going on right now at work, it does not seem like I am going to be approved for that work situation anytime soon.

All that to say, I started a blog so that I would have some outlet to write, with some chance that other people would see and read it besides me. I had also planned to post my memoir on my blog pages. That has not really happened yet…

When I first started my blog, no one but my husband knew about it (but he did not even read it–and still does not!!) I used to frequent the Nest message boards a lot (not anymore) and put a link to my blog in my board signature, as well as my email signature. So people found and read my blog that way. But I did not physically tell anyone that I had a blog.

I have recently discovered that I am not the only person who did not tell anyone about their blog. The reasons for not doing so are different for each person. For my blogger friend Leah, she did not tell anyone because she wanted to maintain face-to-face communication. For my real-life friend (and I just discovered, also blogger) Katie, she was afraid to tell anyone because of what they would think about what she REALLY thinks. For me, I just could not figure out a way to tell people I knew about my blog without feeling like I was saying “Check me out! I am sooooo awesome!”

I never had the intention that my blog would be the blow-by-blow of my life (some people have blogs like that, that is their prerogative). Instead, I wanted to muse on the random NESS of life and the different things I was learning about God. And I think (and hope!) that for the most part, my blog has not been a bunch of fluff and description about what I actually DO every day, but rather deep (or at least deepER) thoughts about life, love, and God.

So this morning, when I was thinking about where I have been lately with the whole eating/exercise thing, I thought about blogging about it. But then, I was scared about my friends back in Minnesota reading about it. Because for some reason, I have always felt the need to keep secret my struggle with body image, eating, exercise, etc. I do know that I have talked about it with a few girls (and I talk about it with Travis, who tries to understand as well as he can as a guy) but by and large, I keep it to myself.

There are quite a few people at my work, men and women both, who openly and frequently talk about their efforts to be healthier, lose weight, exercise, train for an event, etc. It seems strange to me that it is like that, since I am so the opposite. Maybe I feel that way because I have been told so many times before when I even mention something of trying to lose weight/tone/eat better “You do NOT need to lose weight!! You are already skinny!” Or maybe it is because I feel like I struggle to make it not an idol, rather than, like other people, struggle to make it even remotely a priority. Whatever the reason is, I never chime in on what I am currently doing to “maintain my physique” because I would just feel exposed.

As I had all those thoughts, I realized that my intention for blogging had slowly been morphing without my knowledge or consent. I read somewhere online, when researching a better blog name (which I finally came up with!), that you can’t write anything without thinking about a certain audience. (Side note: I just discovered that my apostrophe button has now decided it will work and give me an apostrophe! YAY!! ””””’ Look at all those!) I have been tempted to filter what I blog about according to my audience. That defeats the whole point of my blog!!

So, in the name of not filtering my blog, I will write about what I’m tempted to not write about: my struggle with eating/exercise/body image.

I will first of qualify this by saying that I know that I’m not fat. I would like to lose a few pounds but I’m sure the majority of women fall into that category with me.

My biggest struggle lately has been eating horribly. My parents were out here for a weekend and then Travis parents just left yesterday after being out here for a whole week. For some inexplicable reason, I eat like a horse around my family. Thanksgiving and Christmas last year were anomalies in my holiday eating habits (in that I didn’t eat like a pig). I know that a lot of people struggle with eating around the holidays–but me, I just struggle with eating around my family. (Doesn’t help either that the exercise is pretty much non-existent when I’m around them).

When I eat horribly, I get bloated and feel gross. So I wear baggy clothes, which makes it easy for me to continue to eat horribly. And when I already feel gross, I feel like “Well, why not eat another bowl of ice cream?”

I envy those people who are even-keeled, who eat the same way all the time, who respect their internal fullness mechanism and stop when they don’t need anymore. I tend to be more of an emotional and spastic eater. I will eat a huge dessert when I’m already stuffed to the gills because I want dessert. I will eat ice cream, chocolate, and sweets even when I’ve decided not to (anyone who has read my blog consistently knows that!) because I have this puny little willpower. I eat when I’m bored or especially when I’m tired. I love cereal so much that I’m tempted (but lately have refrained from) eating 2 big bowls for breakfast.

I don’t really struggle a whole ton with the exercise part. I really do enjoy exercising (except for when I’m in a funk…then doing anything but lie on the couch seems like an extraordinary amount of effort). I have been going to aerobics classes at the Wheat Ridge Rec Center. I love them. They are challenging (exertion-wise AND routine-wise) but fun, the time goes really fast, and I push myself more than I would if I were by myself. I just need to get my eating under control.

Back in Sept, I had written a post about imposing a no-sweet rule on myself for the rest of Sept. Well, if you couldn’t tell, that didn’t really happen. After a week-long gaffe, I got back on track…for a while. But the end of Sept and early Oct have been pretty pathetic. But last night, I decided that I was sick of feeling nasty. I know that it affects the way I feel about myself and it affects my marriage (when you don’t feel sexy, it’s hard to act like you do!!) And I know that God doesn’t want me to beat myself up all the time over the way I look–He doesn’t want me to disrespect or abuse my body either, through under-training and overeating, or even the reverse.

There have been periods of time when I felt very in control (in a good way!!) of myself–what and how much I ate, how much I exercised, etc. I felt great being in control–but it’s the time when I drive myself into the ground and get discouraged that seem to be the hardest to get out of. I don’t want diet and exercise to rule my life–I want it to be a natural part of it. I don’t want to throw caution to the wind but I don’t want to be a Nazi about it either. Only the Lord can help me find the happy medium–because I can’t do anything loving for a body that I hate. I need to believe that I am beautiful the way I am but that God has called me to something better–He has called me to ENJOY the body that I have been given. I know that I enjoy my body the most when I take the best care of it–by feeding it healthy foods and moving it through exercise.

I also have been researching ways to prevent breast cancer, osteoporosis and heart disease–very real threats to women. I want to live long and be able to move around a lot when I’m older. So that is also motivation for being healthy now.

I guess my motivations for staying healthy are morphing as I get older and grow in my Christian walk. I keep hoping for the day when I wake up and I no longer struggle with wanting to be thinner. It hasn’t come yet. So I guess I will have to just keep on moving forward in faith, asking the Lord to free me from this idol and struggle, and give me life in His ways.

There! I blogged about it. I don’t feel better–it’s still a nasty struggle–but i don’t feel worse either. Because I know other women have this struggle. And if you have any advice or tips, I’d love to hear them!

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I suck.

19 Sep

This is my 101st post! But that isn’t why I suck.

I suck because I made it one day (and that by cheating) without sweets. But it’s only partly my fault. You see, the day after my last post (where I had “committed” to not eating sweets until at least the end of Sept, with the exception of Sundays) I decided to bake peanut butter cookies for Travis and the guys in his Bible study. And my Bible study was the next night at our house so I figured I’d have treats for the ladies too.

I did really good while baking them–I didn’t eat any of the dough, even when it was sticking to my fingers from making the little balls. Instead of licking it off my fingers, I just washed it off, down the drain. Good, delicious dough, wasted. But I had made a commitment.

Then Travis came home and ate one of the cookies. After his first bite, he said, “Mmmmm…” which made me curious if they were good. So I asked for a small bite. He gave it to me, to my surprise (I was expecting him to say “But Bub, you weren’t having sweets until Sunday, remember?”) I felt a little cheater-ish but I didn’t have a whole cookie!

But then the next day at work, one of my co-workers had baked bars to thank me and Travis for helping them move some donated office furniture. I put them in my locker immediately with the plan of bringing them straight home for Trav. After lunch, though, I heard one of my co-workers, Mandy, say that she wanted something sweet to eat so I offered her one of the bars. (At least I can share my sweets, even if I can’t stop eating them!) I gave one to Carol Ann and Jen too and then…I ate one myself.

And I ate another one for lunch today.

And I had a cookie last night at our women’s group.

And like 4 slices of tomato basil bread from Panera today.

Whoops.

I suck.

Add to that, when I got home after work today, I read Newsweek for a while and then took a nap. I just did not have energy or motivation to do anything else. Yesterday, though, I did go grocery shopping after work and then on a run before making dinner. So I’m not a complete bum. Just a little one.

I hope that this funk I’m in ends soon. Or else I’ll run out of excuses.

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In a funk

16 Sep

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in a funk. I just feel icky–not like I’m getting sick but I am just exhausted and lethargic a lot. When we first moved into our house, I feel like I didn’t take any rest–I was just go, go, go because there were so many things I wanted/had to do. But now, man, I get home, lie down on the couch, and I’m out.

Like Sunday, after church we helped some friends move some paving stones to their house. When we got home, I ate some cheesy bread and then proceeded to take a 2-hour nap. It was one of those naps when you wake up from time to time, half of your brain telling you to get off the couch and do something productive, while the other half of your brain is dead to the world. The feeling of your body being one with the couch, like you couldn’t even move off the couch if you wanted to. That’s how the nap felt. Then, when you do get up an absurd number of hours later, you feel groggy and lazy for the rest of the day.

Today, I left work a little early because I’ve been working some overtime out of necessity (things are C-R-A-Z-Y at work right now) and trying to make it up, since I don’t get paid for it (oh, the luxuries of working for a non-profit). I came home and read the new Newsweek for about half an hour, at which point I started to nod off. I had been planning on reading a little and then going on a run before Travis got home. But obviously, my love for naps defeated my current apathy of running. I slept for a good hour and a half. While I absolutely love the feeling of a nap, I hate the ensuing feeling of being a bum and having nothing productive to show for a good chunk of my day.

That is one of many reasons why I feel like I’ve been in a funk. I know that I’m not getting enough sleep at night. I should really be in bed by 8:30, falling asleep at 9:00, so that I can wake up at 5:30 with a good 8.5 hours of sleep (the amount I really need). But I find myself getting in bed around 10:00, 10:30. Way too late!

Another reason is that I’ve been watching House like it’s my job. It was the season premiere tonight. I thought it would be on at 6:00 here because it was 8/7c. But I guess not…because it came on at 7:00 here too. Travis made a good point about 7:00 being prime time. We also have Season 1 Disc 3 right now…only 13 more to go until we’re all caught up!

Yet another reason is that I haven’t wanted to run lately. It has felt like pulling teeth. I feel like I should still want to run, like not running would be wrong. But I don’t entertain the thought of running in the morning at all and I have a hard time motivating myself to run after work. I have found, though, that the prospect of going to the gym and doing the elliptical or aerobics classes is appealing. So I am going to join the Wheat Ridge Rec Center. It’s cheaper than the Y and a decent gym. The Y is nicer but it is $24 more a month. Bush League!

So needless to say, my exercise schedule hasn’t been followed to a tee. I have been doing Pilates/Yoga about 3 times a week so I’m not a complete bum, but the cardio has definitely been lacking. After such long, stressful days at work, I’d rather curl up with a bowl of ice cream and watch some TV, rather than go pound the pavement–which is, needless to say, what I have been doing.

Which leads to yet another reason why I’m in a funk–my eating habits since we’ve moved to our new house have been horrible. I was doing really well for a while but I tend to get pretty lax when I feel good–it’s counter-intuitive I know but somehow when I feel good because I’ve been exercising and eating right, I then feel like I can eat 4 slices of pizza and a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough and skip that day (or 3) of running and not gain weight–like I’m immune to the calories now or something. But the worst part about is that once I start eating poorly, it’s so hard to get back to eating right–so as you can guess, I haven’t. I haven’t gained much weight (maybe 1 or 2 pounds but I prefer to think that the scale is just wrong every morning for weeks in a row), which is a good thing. I just feel like a fat blob.

And the hardest part about it is that I know what makes me feel that way–eating ice cream everyday on top of little candy bars at work and light frapps from Starbucks. I have tried numerous times over the past several months to stop eating so many sweets. Most of the time, I don’t even make it a day before caving.

This is what I wrote about me and sweets a few months ago:

“There’s only so long that you can sit in front of chocolate, hearing it call your name and resist. Willpower has a time limit. I’m a ticking timebomb in front of sweets. As soon as the timer gets to zero (willpower), I explode and devour everything in sight.”

But tonight at the gym, I decided that I’m sick of feeling gross and flubbery. I am going to cut out sweets–except for Sundays. (I may be ambitious but I am still realistic!) No chocolate (ouch), no candy (oooo), no ice cream (uuuuhhhh). It’s gonna hurt but it will be worth it!!

So here’s to no sweets. I did it for Lent; I can do it again. And I am going to do this until at least Sept 30th–21 days from now because that is how long experts say it takes to form a habit. Hopefully I can kick my chocolate-tootsie roll-ice cream-gooey goodness addiction for at least that long. Wish me luck!

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More reflections on contentment

29 May

Since I’m on the subject, why not a few more thoughts?

My boss, Carol Ann, reads from The Message translation. I’ve enjoyed it–it’s like reading a fun book, only it’s the Bible–and think I’m going to buy that version as a complement to my ESV Bible.

I read through Philippians today on my lunch break and while many verses stood out to me, I thought these applied to what I’ve been blogging about recently.

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.” Philippians 3:8-9

What to do from this verse: Meditate on the beautiful, not the ugly. Dwell on all the things I love about my appearance–my eyes, legs, back–and all the things my body can do–run, hike, bike, play tennis, give hugs, cuddle. Think positive thoughts and your attitude will be positive.

Along those lines, another verse I loved was “Celebrate God all day, every day.” Wow, that is a powerful thought! 

The other verse that really caught my attention was 

“I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” Philippians 3:11-13.  

Whatever I have…I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I can make it through not having what I think I should have. I can be content whatever my circumstances–even if I lose a leg and can never exercise again. Even if I develop a thyroid problem and gain 50 pounds. Even if I’m in a car accident and 90% of my body gets burned but I live.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will an end to this trouble but until that day comes

Still I will praise You, Still I will praise You

 

 

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