Tag Archives: God

Construing days of rest

13 Feb

I like the idea of a Sabbath. Taking time to relax, recharge, read and spend time with family is always a good idea. I’ve tried in the past to observe a Sabbath – I once had the idea of a Silent Sunday, during which I didn’t listen to the radio, watch TV, or do anything on the computer. In essence, unplugging. It was a great idea, one I would still be inclined to do if it weren’t for having a little something called a husband. He was not jumping on the bandwagon of my idea so the notion fell by the wayside.

Other times, I have been just plain lazy on Sundays – taking a nap, reading, watching TV, pretending to think about exercising but never really planning on doing so.

But I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been really that intentional about setting aside a day for rest.

Maybe it’s because by my very nature, I already take plenty of time to relax. I need to relax or I’ll implode. Taking one more day for rest would seem like overkill. I guess now, with my current state of unemployment, I’ve practically got a season of Sabbath on my hands.

It’s kind of like date nights for me and Travis. I definitely see the value of them for couples who have kids but for me and Travis, who see each other every day and night, and spend a lot of evenings just the 2 of us, they seem somewhat superfluous. Why plan a specific night to hang out when we spend every night together?

I am not a person who can handle go-go-go. I can be busy for a couple of days in a row before I need a breather. Ideally, there would be a constant balance: busyness in the morning, then rest in the afternoon, and a casual evening. Here’s a sample Saturday: getting in the Word when I get up, going on a 3-mile run, attending a baby shower in the morning, stopping by the bank and grocery store on my way home, lying on the couch with a good book, taking a 30-45 minute nap, making a delicious dinner with Travis, having a glass of wine, and watching a movie from Redbox. I do also enjoy relaxing in the morning, then being busy at night but I much prefer to enjoying my relaxation time after getting productivity out of the way.

Today, as I was painting our new front door, I was thinking about the whole idea of a Sabbath. The Bible talks about there being 6 days for work and 1 day for rest. Yesterday, Travis and I bummed around on the couch all day, watching movies, doing crosswords, eating cookies. Then today, we decided to paint our front door and finish a windowsill. Isn’t that kind of backwards? Shouldn’t we have done the whole door/window thing yesterday and then used today to be bumcakes, as we say?

But I feel like doing more work on a Saturday, after a long week of work (or non-work in my case, which is surprisingly exhausting), is asking a lot. Usually by that time, all I have the energy for is reading a magazine or doing the previous Monday’s crossword (the day they’re the easiest). But Travis, on the other hand, is often freakishly productive on Saturdays. Especially the days he goes duck hunting or flyfishing. He gets up at the awful hour of 3 am, hunts or fishes for 8 or 9 hours, gets home around noon, and then instead of taking a nap like I expect him to, he gets to work cleaning up the garage, putting in windows, vacuuming out cars, and changing the oil. No matter what I’m doing those days, I always feel like a slacker compared to him.

I think I just have a lower level of energy than most people. Sometimes even just thinking about what Travis accomplishes in a day exhausts me and I’m ready for a nap. All I know is that I’m too tired by Friday night to wait for a Sabbath on Sunday. I need time to rest on Saturday.

What about you? Do you use Sunday as a Sabbath, some other day, or do you do something else altogether?

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Am I serious about this?

12 Feb

This past week brought about some changes in my employment status. First, the church no longer has funds to pay me so my part-time job there is no more. I was making about $240 a month more working there than just collecting unemployment so it’s somewhat unfortunate.

What really is unfortunate, though, is that I found out that since I quit my job at Dare 2 Share for “no good reason under the law” and since I worked there within the past 5 quarters (3-month periods used to calculate unemployment benefits), I am now only qualified for about half of the unemployment benefits I had calculated. It appears that I will still get the same amount every week (which is a definite blessing!) but that instead of getting unemployment for 6 months, I will now only get it for 3. Considering the fact that the average unemployment stint these days is 9 months, I’m sure hoping that God has another plan in mind!

That means that I kind of have to get my butt in gear and actually start taking the job search seriously, as well as tackle my book project with more gusto and intentionality than had previously been applied. It is reassuring to remind myself, however, that even though this realization has changed my perception of the situation, the actual situation has not changed at all – God knew this all along and nothing has changed in His purpose or plan for me.

Nonetheless, it is a reality that my perception of the situation has changed. I no longer have “all the time in the world.” I have 3 months. Three months to find a job or to start making money from my writing. The question then becomes: am I serious about this whole writing thing? Am I willing to commit my financial future to it, over pursuing a reliable job?

I have been praying that God would direct me to either put the majority of my efforts into finding a job or into writing my book. I have not received any clear direction either way, so I am going to continue on with the leading that I have been operating out of until this point – writing my book. I’ve asked God to give me a clear sign that writing is not what I’m supposed to pursue. But until I get such a sign, I still feel like I am called to be serious about being a writer – or rather, a published author.

Plus, submitting queries for freelance work qualifies as  a job contact, right?

 

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Discovering me.

10 Feb

A while ago, I was prompted by my friend Brittany to take a personality test. I was diagnosed as a INTJ (Introspective, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging). One description that I found of my personality profile said this:

“Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

“INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.”

This description has stuck in my mind. As time goes by, I am seeing the truth of this about myself. I don’t express my emotions very much. I did when Travis and I were dating (or at least I feel like I did). But falling/being in love can’t really be compared to how one acts in normal, everyday life. Now that I’m married going on 4 years, I am back to my normal keep-my-emotions-locked-up ways.

Don’t get me wrong – I am emotional and definitely let Travis know when I’m upset about something. What I keep inside, however, are my positive emotions. I am quick to point out how Travis hurt me but am I just as quick to point how he makes me happy or feel blessed? Sadly, no. And with my friends, I often walk away thinking to myself, “Wow, I really enjoyed that time with her” but I rarely say it to her face. My most common form of encouragement is a comment about someone’s cute jacket or earrings, not their inspiring testimony or uplifting insight.

I have been convicted that not only do I need to move beyond trivial, vain compliments, I also need to encourage my fellow Christians. A few weeks ago, I went to a bridal shower. Even though there were a lot of women there I didn’t know well, one woman told me that she admired my boldness in introducing myself to her and another woman commended me for being open about my marriage struggles (and exhorting the Bride-to-be to cling to Christ). I left the shower on clouds. I felt so loved and blessed by those women sharing those things because they proved that God has been working in me. I feel inspired and compelled to do the same for other women.

The only problem is that for me, saying things like that feels uncomfortably vulnerable. It’s putting my heart out there, in plain sight, and inviting heartache or misunderstanding. It’s the same reason why I keep my spiritual struggles to myself, often not even telling my husband about them. Telling another person requires vulnerability.

But alas, I feel God is calling me to move beyond my comfort zone and to encourage others. For a long time, I wasn’t even capable of recognizing things to commend in others because I was so self-conscious and jealous of other women that I couldn’t see past what they had that I didn’t. As God has led me to trust the life He has given me, however, I have been able to let go of the standards and expectations I had constructed and now I find myself more able to see, appreciate, and value what other women have to offer. Their gifts don’t diminish mine – I can appreciate them while appreciating the gifts God has given to me.

To put this into practice, today I brought cookies to my friend Cathy along with a card sharing my heart about how much our friendship means to me. And I closed my note with the words “I love you.” Which is true but as soon as I wrote those, I felt exposed. Vulnerable. Was that too weird? Will she be freaked out? Do friends even say that to each other? But I felt God urging me to put myself out there. Be radically honest and open. Encourage others even when it’s uncomfortable and scary. So I gave it to her. (But I didn’t ask her to read it in my presence. Baby steps, people.)

Over the past several years, I have racked my brain and over-analyzed my personality, wondering which characteristics were good and which needed to be redeemed? My realization that I can trust God to bring into light the things that need redeeming is being proved true. My avoidance of people out of fear of awkwardness and lack of encouragement to others out of my fear of vulnerability are being exposed in God’s holy and searching light. And instead of feeling condemned and guilty, I feel called to live in a better, more God-glorifying way. I feel freedom. I feel love. It’s amazing how God works like that.

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Craving fellowship

24 Jan

I am amazed at God right now, at the way He validates what I’ve been learning about Him and life through experiences.

I’ve been enjoying my new days of freedom after discovering why I can trust God to run my life. But Satan is a sneaky little devil. He never gives up. Instead of conceding defeat, he will use other circumstances and get me to do the exact same thing as before: take responsibility.

Once I felt freedom from the guilt of needing to do more and to make my life look like I thought it should in the big picture, I started having a battle with the everyday things. Specifically watching TV. Again, it started with a good desire. I had been convicted that TV watching, with a few exceptions like Bones and The Office, is a huge waste of time. The majority of the time, I watch TV not because it’s exactly the thing I want to do and it makes me feel good but because I am tired and don’t want to think. I just want to veg out. And as I turn off the TV when it’s time to go to bed or out somewhere, I almost always think, “Well, that was a waste of time.”

So I desired to cut back on the TV watching and to find other activities that are as soothing and relaxing as TV, but more productive. That way I would still get to relax but with things that would add to my character instead of detract from it. But Satan took that good desire and distorted it. I could no longer watch TV at all, even my favorite shows, without feeling guilty. It was wasting precious time! I could be doing so much more – like writing that book I’ve been dreaming about or accomplishing tasks on my to-do list. Once again, my freedom to do whatever my heart desired evaded me. I felt trapped, pinned down by invisible forces.

I knew I was missing some truth. What was I not believing?

The more I thought about it, I realized that my struggle wasn’t really about watching TV. I was bored. And lonely. I was sick of finding stuff to do on my own – I wanted to spend time with someone else. Maybe that was why TV appealed to me – it was an impersonal form of human contact. I didn’t feel alone with the TV on.

Lucky for me, I had a bridal shower to go to last night, where there would be lots of Christian women to fellowship with. Even though I expected that I wouldn’t know most of them, I was excited. I usually leave events like that feeling energized and reinvigorated. And that’s exactly what happened. I met some great women, was very encouraged by 2 of them, and left the shower feeling so loved and blessed by God.

As I drove home, I connected the dots of things God has been revealing to me over the past several weeks. I love people – the time in my life that I’ve been the happiest and most fulfilled was as a part of Campus Outreach in college. I felt like I belonged there, I had some amazing friends, and I was around people all the time. I’ve always thought of myself as a loner, as a person who prefers solitude to being around others. Now I see that I love being around others, but I need solitude to recharge. And at this stage in my life, I have so much solitude that I am overly charged and need to seek out places where I can deplete my stores.

Whereas a year ago, I would have praised the value of fellowship and said that I wanted to be more intentional about spending time with friends, it would have felt like another thing on a to-do list. When I thought about how much I failed at spending time with others, I felt condemned and guilty. I didn’t feel inspired to change. But now, I see my own need for fellowship, my own heart craving for it, and it is something I want to do – need to do. So far, I have asked 2 friends to hang out (one of whom I had lunch with today!) and I have plans for more. I am so blessed!

The best part about it is that this has been the desire of my heart for the past 2 years and now that I’ve finally surrendered my dreams for my life to God, He is doing in me that which I had so long tried to do, but failed at. A. W. Tozer says it worlds better than I can:

“The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One. While he looks at Christ, the very things he has so long been trying to do will be getting done within him. It will be God working in him to will and to do.”

This is the blessed truth of the gospel – that we can rest from all attempts to prove our worth, to earn our salvation, to redeem our lives. We can rest in Christ’s sufficiency because of His sacrifice on the cross. Like the song says, “I am changed in the presence of a holy God.”


 

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The Savior’s Gift

20 Jan

My reading goal for the beginning of 2011 is to finish all of the books I started simultaneously in 2010. Moreover, I am trying to finish all of these books before starting any new ones (a task which is proving very difficult and less and less appealing the more books I encounter that look really good!). The books in progress are:

  • Soul Craving by Joel Warne (finished reading this on vacation)
  • No Man Is An Island by Thomas Merton
  • No Little People by Francis Schaeffer
  • Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick
  • Kiss Me Again by Barbara Wilson
  • The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews (just finished this 2 days ago)

I have mentioned how much I enjoyed Soul Craving before but since I just finished The Traveler’s Gift, I wanted to share what I got out of it. While I love reading and am constantly tempted to read books so fast that I don’t retain hardly anything of what I read, I am trying to be intentional about taking a little time after finishing each book to go back through and write down/think about the points that stood out most to me. So that’s where these thoughts came from.

This book is not a Christian book, though it pretends that it is. It mentions God several times and even quotes a few Bible verses but the Seven Decisions that Determine Personal Success effectively leave God out completely, while borrowing Biblical principles. How convenient. And how tragic. The way I see it, philosophies about life like these (including Buddhism, Taoism, and Islam) lay out all these great principles but don’t address the 2 biggest issues facing mankind: 1) sin and 2) the power to change.

These issues are actually very much related. Because of the pervasiveness of sin, we need Someone outside of ourselves to redeem us from our sins, as well as empower us to change.  (The links I added explain what I mean by these terms more thoroughly.) In light of those beliefs, I took the liberty of adapting the Seven Decisions that Determine Personal Success to have a Biblical foundation. I believe that I still captured the essence of each Decision. I have included the author’s wording of each Decision in brackets.

1. [The buck stops here.]

Act with integrity. Trust that God can and will use you and your past for His glory. Be bold in your decisions, led by the Spirit, even if they’re socially unpopular. “Let steadfastness have its effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:4).

2. [I will seek wisdom.]

Use discernment and be intentional about how you live. Bad company corrupts good character. Seek wisdom but “be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil” (Prov. 3:7). “Through love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13).

3. [I am a person of action.]

Beginning today, I have a new future because I am a new creation. I inspire others when I live for God’s glory by being true to who He has created me to be. I will make the best use of my days because they are gifts from God. Because my future in Christ is secure, I can move forward into each day with joy and energy. I have the Spirit of Christ in me to guide and instruct my decisions. I can be confident in my future because I know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

4. [I have a decided heart.]

I have staked my heart and life on Christ and the Gospel. I am passionate about God. I will awaken every morning with an excitement about the new day God has given me and the opportunity for growth and change. My thoughts and actions will work in a forward motion a la the Apostle Paul in Philippians 3:12-14 — never sliding into the dark forest of doubt or the muddy quicksand of self-pity, by the grace of God. I will lay my head on my pillow at night happily exhausted, knowing that I gave my all in service to my Lord and accomplished the work He gave me to do. God has given me a unique dream and vision and I glorify Him by pursuing that dream with vigor, persistence, and faith.

5. [Today I will choose to be happy.]

Today I will choose to be happy because of what Christ has done for me on the cross. I will choose to be thankful for all things; to focus on things that are encouraging, uplifting, and Christ-centered; and to love others. Enthusiasm is faith in action because it trusts God for the success of its actions. I will smile at others and seek to be a blessing to them. I will be slow to anger and quick to listen.

6. [I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.]

I will forgive others as Christ has forgiven me. I will forgive those who don’t deserve it, don’t ask for it, and don’t even want it. I will cultivate a forgiving spirit by spending time getting to know my Savior more and more. I will die to myself and my selfish desires. I will kill bitterness, conquer resentment, and eradicate revenge through the power of the Spirit. I will forgive myself for failing to be what I want to be, finding hope and redemption in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I will trust in Him to conform me to His image.

7. [I will persist without exception.]

I will press on toward the goal of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I will not grow weary in doing good, for I believe that I will reap abundantly in due season. I must not allow myself to get discouraged or be derailed by trials and struggles. I must keep “looking to Jesus” and “run with endurance the race that is set before” me (Hebrews 12). I will endure; I will remain steadfast under trial because of the joy set before me: heaven and perfect unity with God. As a child of God, I must rise above the status quo and dare to do improbable, even impossible, things because “this I know, that God is for me” (Psalm 56:9).

 

As I read and re-read these statements, they become my prayer to God. I know that in myself, I do not have the power to effect this change in my life. But He does. He has a plan for me, He knows where He is leading me, and it is through an intimate relationship with Him that I discover myself, my purpose, and my potential. I hope these words encourage you as well.

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The search begins…

17 Jan

I finally found out about the job at the church last week… they hired someone else. At first, they had planned on hiring 2 people but now they’re not sure they can afford 2 people. The pastor has asked if I would be interested in continuing to work there for the next couple of weeks while the new guy gets his feet under him (which I am going to do), but he can’t promise me that they would need me beyond that. And if they did, it would almost for sure just be a part-time gig.

While I’m slightly disappointed because I did enjoy working there, I am happy that the church found someone who fits their needs in the office and that God has revealed His will. I felt very indifferent about the job at the church – I did enjoy working there but I didn’t feel like “This is the job for me.” So I’m thankful that God’s will is clear.

So begins the search for a new job. I did apply for unemployment last Friday and I’ll be working part-time at the church for next couple of weeks, so we’ll have some money coming in while I look. I’m not entirely sure what kind of job I want yet. Here are my categories:

“Jobs I would love but am not qualified for”:

Book editor (actually, editor of any sort)

Desktop publisher

Writer

Nutritionist

Librarian

Tutor

 

“Jobs I am qualified for but am not sure I want”:

Administrative Assistant / Secretary

Retail

Marketing / Communications Coordinator

 

“Jobs that would be sweet but I’m not sure even exist”:

Professional Organizer

 

I still have some thinking and research to do, as you can see. I was going to go to the library today to look at books about job-seeking but then realized that because it’s a government holiday, it is closed today. Poop. I guess I’ll be doing more research online today.

Every time I’ve been looking for jobs in my lifetime, there’s this little voice that creeps into my head and says, “You’ll never get the job you want. It’s just not in the cards.” I know that voice is from Satan – he is trying to rob me of the joy of resting in God, trusting that He is able and willing to provide a job that is well-suited for my talents and interests. Moreover, God will accomplish His purpose for me. I don’t know what my purpose is but He does. And I can rest in that while looking for a new job.

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Resting in God for Life

15 Jan

God is so faithful.

I had a rough start to this past week. Being back from Mexico, I was confronted with all of the problems I had left behind: namely, my struggle with what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Again, I was stressed out. It felt like there was a heavy ball of anxiety sitting right on my chest. I felt paralyzed. I had nothing that I had to do and yet didn’t feel free to do anything. I felt like I had to be productive. Like that’s what a good model citizen does – they get stuff done. But I didn’t want to get stuff done. I wanted to relax and read.

Little by little, God has been inviting me to release the responsibility I feel for my life. At first, He showed me I could let go of being responsible for my sanctification. Instead of rifling through my own soul looking for sins that I needed to work on, I could trust God to convict me of the sins that He wanted me to work on.

He then showed me I could let go of being responsible for projects at work. Even though I don’t technically have a job right now, I am helping out at the church and as such, I feel involved enough to be held responsible for things succeeding or failing. But God says that I can release those projects to Him too. It’s not me accomplishing His work – it’s Him accomplishing His work through me. I wrote these points in my journal:

1. God knows what needs to be done and when.

2. I can trust God to guide my day and to provide the wisdom, inspiration, and motivation necessary. I can even trust Him to bring to mind things I need to remember.

3. I can leave unfinished projects in God’s care – this is His work after all. He will take care of it.

4. If and when I fail, I can run to God and He will help me fix the mess. He is a gracious, patient and loving God.

Finally, God showed me that I can let go of what I have perceived to be the things I needed to be doing to live the life I want to live. I had been creating my own religious rules about how to live but God had not empowered me to live those. I constantly felt like I should be doing more than I was doing. If I bought a coffee at Starbuck’s, I felt guilty that I didn’t donate that money to charity. If I spent time reading a book, I felt guilty that I was making myself happy instead of helping someone else in need. I was constantly questioning my motives and constantly feeling condemned by what I perceived to be the selfishness of everything I did. Even the good, thoughtful things I did for others were swallowed up in the notion that they were just drops in the ocean of my own patheticness.

But praise the Lord, He has revealed the truth to me! On Thursday morning, after feeling very discouraged and fed up with life on Wednesday night, God showed me that what had started out as a good desire – wanting to live above the status quo for Christ – I had turned into an end in itself. I was trying to make myself right with God by setting a high standard for my way of life. I only succeeded in making myself miserable. Because I can’t make myself right with God!

And I don’t have to. I don’t have to procure my own salvation because of Jesus and I don’t have to make my life count because of Jesus. For the longest time, I thought that surrendering control meant conceding defeat. Resting in Christ meant that I didn’t care if my life changed – it meant I was ok if I just kept on living the typical American lifestyle. But I did care! So I couldn’t, I wouldn’t surrender. I had to make my life what I thought it should be – because if I didn’t, who would?

I am in awe at God’s perfect timing. Just totally in awe. In the past month, I read 2 books that revolutionized the way I look at my relationship with God: Walking With God by John Eldredge and Soul Craving by Joel Warne. Both authors talk about listening to God, walking through situations with God, talking to God, communing with God. I had never before realized that such an intimate two-way interaction with God was possible!

Because of that new discovery, the idea of surrendering control of my life and my expectations and desires to God makes sense. Before, I didn’t understand how I could let go of control and expect things to still happen. I mean, after all, even though God is sovereign, He is not a puppeteer. I still have to act. So how would anything change if I gave up trying to change things?

I see now that change comes out of an intimate relationship with God. As I am walking with God, talking with Him, listening to Him, inviting Him in to every area and experience of my life, I am changed. I sense His Spirit’s leading. I see doors open that I would have missed before. I find courage to do what I couldn’t in the past. This is exactly what I wanted for my life and was so desperately striving after. But now, it is God leading me. It is God doing the hard work. Joel Warne writes in his book that our relationship with God is a responsive one. He leads; we respond.

Moreover, if there is something amiss in my life, something I should abstain from or do differently, I can trust God to reveal those things to me. I don’t have to obsess over everything and continually feel guilty. This has been the biggest relief of all. I can finally put in correct perspective all of the mundane, practical, trivial details of life. I don’t have to question everything anymore! I can live everyday life in faith that when God wants to change something, when He wants to move me, He will reveal that to me. And He provides the courage and grace for obedience on top! So now, instead of asking God to show me what He wants me to do with my life, I pray:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there by any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23).

I cannot undermine enough what a revolutionary shift in paradigm this is for me. I feel like I had been going through the motions of life in black and white but now I am rejuvenated with vigor and eagerness to engage in life in Technicolor! Because my life is what it is because of God. And I can rest in Him for wisdom, guidance, sanctification. I can trust Him to do in my life what I have been desiring – because He desires it even more than I do!!

GOD IS AWESOME!!

 

 

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Beach Longings

10 Jan

Relaxing in a hammock on Isla Mujeres

We’re back from the beach! Travis and I just got back yesterday from Mexico. We went to the Cancun Palace in Cancun with  my entire family – parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law.

While the actual vacation was wonderful, both of our getting-to-the-airport experiences were stressful. When we were flying out, the check-in line was a couple hundred people long and there was a problem with my ticket – I had booked it in my married name but my passport is still in my maiden name. Two years ago, I had used a certified marriage certificate to verify the name change but this time, I was told that I should have booked my ticket in my maiden name, to match my passport. Finally, after standing in line for 30 minutes and up at the counter for another 30, we were checked in. Security was fairly quick and we got to our gate with plenty of time.

When we were flying back to the US, the hotel had gotten our airport transfer times mixed up. Travis and I were flying out at 7:45 am, so we were supposed to leave for the airport at 4:30. But the hotel had us down for leaving at 12:30 with some of our other family members. Finally, after a whole hour, the hotel called us a taxi (and paid for it) and we were off. Luckily, the check-in and security lines were very short so we had enough time leaving too. Praise the Lord!

The rest of our vacation was great though. Travis and I shared a room with my brother Chris and sis-in-law Meg. They’re great – I really enjoyed getting to spend time with them. Besides the givens of eating lots of delicious food and drinks, we also took a trip over to Isla Mujeres, where we visited a sister resort to the Cancun Palace (that’s where the picture above came from). We played beach and water volleyball, tennis, ping pong, chess, and pool. We drove little 2-person speedboats and went snorkeling. We laid on the beach and by the pool, reading and talking. We had our family Christmas celebration and went shopping at a flea market.

The whole crew (clockwise from left): Brian, Travis, Jeremy, Dad, Chris, Meg, Mom, Jen, and me

We also visited the Sun Palace that was just down the street from our hotel. There was a bartender there that made all sorts of different fruity shots for us and then sent many tequila shots down to the beach where the guys were playing volleyball. All of us kids ended up pretty drunk that night.

While I didn’t like that we had drunk so much, I will say that the Lord really used that night to bring us closer together and break down some walls. Meg has been very hurt by her parents who are divorced and she feels very responsible for the well-being of her sisters. She wants God in her life but is having a hard time trusting that He can help her in the situation with her mom and sisters. She also has a hard time believing that anyone can love her for who she is.

Jeremy, Jen and I, upon hearing this, started telling Meg about the gospel and how God loves her enough to send His Son to die for her. The 2 things that were the coolest for me were that 1) I am now positive that Jeremy and Jen are believers. They totally get the gospel, which is TOTALLY AWESOME!! and 2) I got to see the state of Meg’s heart. She is very shy and has a hard time opening up to our family so being able to see her heart is a privilege. I can now pray for her in a specific way, as well as follow up later about this conversation. I did talk to her again the next day, just to make sure she knew it wasn’t just something I said while drunk but it’s what I truly believe.

My brother Chris also opened up about how he felt about his job and purpose of life but our discussion was cut short when it was time to go to dinner. Both Chris and Meg are searching. They want God but it seems that they’re not quite to the place of having an intimate relationship with Him. But this definitely energizes my prayers for them!

Cruising around in our mini speedboat

The one main spiritual thought I had during and after this vacation is how much I long for heaven. Being in a paradise like that, with no cares or worries, with my family that I truly love and enjoy being with, I felt an inner temptation to anxiousness. I felt I couldn’t possibly enjoy the vacation enough and that all the days were going by way too fast. I had to remind myself that my heart is really longing for the thing it was created for: perfect communion with God.

In the book I read on vacation, Soul Craving by Joel Warne, he writes, “The new country we have entered [as Christians] never had it in mind to simply waft us a few comforting breezes or provide us a place to vacation from our regular world. It wants to become our regular world. It wants to become, in fact, a new world inside us, remaking all our inner geography.”

Being with my family awakens my heart’s desire for fellowship, for being deeply known and loved. The gorgeous tropical landscape and sunshine reminds me how much I want to delight at the dawn of each new day and feel utter contentment at each sunset. My heart aches for God.

There is a longing awaken by such an experience that cannot be entirely satisfied. And like C.S. Lewis wrote in The Weight of Glory, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

 

The view from our room

To see more pictures from our vacation, click here.

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The big picture

31 Dec

Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I figured I might as well do the quintessential blog post: reminiscing about 2010 and looking forward to 2011.

2010 was a hard year for me but because of that, it was also life-changing. From March until last week, I had a job that constantly pushed me beyond my comfort zone, challenged me in ways I have never before been challenged, and forced me to run to God every day to maintain my sanity and character. I can look back on this past year and see God’s faithfulness and steadfast love everywhere.

I learned that I rely on my own ability to get things done instead of trusting in God and His timing and plan. I found that I often “feel responsible” for things and that prevents me from letting God be responsible. God showed me that my claiming responsibility is what stresses me out. I need to be faithful in what I can control but the overarching theme and thought of my life needs to be trust in God for all of the mundane, practical details, as well as the big picture items.

Work-wise, I learned that I do not do well working from home. I like an office. I like interaction with people. I like unexpected interruptions (self, remember this when they happen!). I also learned that I like change but only in the context of routine. I am much more happier doing tedious administrative tasks than I am managing big picture things. I am a details person. The job I am doing in the church office right now is exactly what I enjoy doing. (As such, I am really hoping that they hire me full-time! But more on that another time.)

Through numerous coffee dates with my good friend Cathy, I have also learned a lot about what it means to be victorious in Christ. I have made huge progress in my long struggle with loathing myself and constantly seeing sin. Through talking with Cathy, reading books, and insight from the Holy Spirit, I have seen that resting in the cross doesn’t mean I ignore my sin – it means the cross is bigger than my sin. Enjoying who God has made me to be doesn’t mean I enjoy the sins I commit – it means that I am able to trust God to conform me to Christ and unveil to me and others who I really am.

In short, as I look back on 2010, I praise God for His work in my life. I struggled, I failed, I didn’t believe, I didn’t trust, I handled situations poorly. But God brought me through it all. I honestly can say that I wouldn’t have made it without Him. The thing I love the most about going through struggles like this is very simple: when I have a good day, when I feel joyful and peaceful, I know that is from God. He is the source of that feeling. And I feel so immensely blessed by Him. I wouldn’t feel that way had I not gone through a very rough year of a lot of bad days.

As I look forward to 2011, I have to admit that I hope it is easier than 2010 was. But I also hope that God does just as much work in my life. So I will, with His help, joyfully accept whatever means God employs to bring about that sanctification.

I am hoping to find a job (whether at the church or elsewhere) that fits me well. After having a job that I pretty much hated in every aspect, I no longer underestimate what a job can do to your entire well-being. Right now, though, I am very content with working part-time at the church. I got a lot of things crossed off my To-Do List this week!

I am also hoping to write a lot. Being a writer is my dream. I just read in John Eldredge’s book Walking With God, “More often that not this awakening of desire is an invitation from God to seek what we’ve given up as lost, an invitation to try again.” So I’m going to respond to God’s invitation and try again.

Spiritually, I want to pursue an even deeper, more intimate relationship with Christ, as described in Eldredge’s book that I just read. I want to be so close to Christ that I can hear him speak to me. That I seek His opinion on every decision, that I walk with Him all day, every day. It’s a lofty goal. But a very rewarding one. And even a little progress is better than none! I also want to be more intentional about reading – I have averaged about 15 books a year for the past 3 years. I want to increase that to 25 or so. But I also don’t want to burn through books so fast that I don’t remember anything. Kind of defeats the point of reading. So 25 is a loose goal.

Emotionally, I want to be more open and vulnerable in my marriage. I just recently realized that a lot my spiritual battles this year I fought alone. I didn’t let Travis know that I was struggling so much. And when I think about why, I see pride everywhere. With God, I can admit that I’m weak and pathetic. With Travis, I can’t. I think this emotional withholding from Travis has bigger implications and effects than I can even recognize right now. So I want to grow in being vulnerable and humble with Travis.

And finally, blog-wise, I think I am going to change my blog title again. When I changed it from Learning and Loving It to Joy in Being Broken, I was in the midst of my struggle with hating myself because I was so focused on my sins and failures. I thought that God was teaching me to find joy in Him even despite hating myself. As I’ve grown and understood more truth this year, I believe that we don’t find joy in being broken – we find joy in God healing us. We are broken as sinners – we are healed as God’s beloved children. We find joy as we see the cross conquer our sinful natures, as we find freedom from the things that bind us, as we anticipate heaven and perfection.

I haven’t yet decided what my new blog title will be. I’ve thought about something like “More Than Ordinary” to reflect my desire to live a life that rises above the status quo to glorify God. I’ve also thought about something incorporating the idea of being healed through the cross or discovering truth. I’m totally open to suggestions!

All that to say, I’m excited for a new year! Happy New Year to all of you!

reminiscing

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Last Day!

23 Dec

Today is my last day at Your Cause Sports. While I am really looking forward to being done with this trying season of life (hopefully God doesn’t have another one immediately in store!), I am not as excited about leaving as I would have been a month ago.

Don’t get me wrong – I still whole-heartedly believe that this job is wrong for me in every way. This isn’t just me being a big baby; the nature of the job is counter to my personality and manner of working. So I am very grateful that God has closed the door, signaling me to move on. But I’m not as frustrated and angry as I had been. There’s less of a “Haha, I’m leaving. Take that!” attitude and more of a “I’m still ready to move on but I really hope things work out next year with YCS.” attitude.

I am glad that God led Travis and I to make the decision for me to be done today – I just found out from the church on Tuesday that they still haven’t made a decision about the position but they have hired me as contract labor to get the timely stuff done in the office before Sunday, January 2nd. If I were still working for YCS next week, I wouldn’t be able to work part-time in the church office so I can see God’s amazing coordination of all these working parts. I’m still not sure what things will look like after I get back from Mexico but I’m willing to play that by ear.

I praise the Lord that He is allowing me to see His grace through these situations. A month ago, if I had planned on taking next week off to “get stuff done” and then was asked to work part-time, I would have taken the job but been frustrated because my plans had been thwarted. But all I really want to happen next week is that I get some time to relax and recharge. This year has been nutso and while I feel mostly recovered, I haven’t had much downtime. So I’m really looking forward to that – and trusting God that even if that doesn’t happen how I imagine it, His grace will be sufficient.

While there are a lot of other things on my to-do list that I would like to get done, I won’t be upset if they don’t happen. Most, if not all, of them are projects that I can do on a weekend and since I won’t be traveling every weekend this spring/summer/fall, I’ll actually have that luxury!

I also see God’s grace in my patience/trust about the unknown job situation. I can honestly say that I’m not fretting, anxious, worried, impatient, scared, etc. about not knowing what will happen. In fact, I am kind of excited. I think that God has something great in store for me. And starting a new stage of life is always new (by definition) and exciting. What I’m really looking forward to is the possibility of having some time to write.

Well, I better get off to my last day of work! Woohoo!

 

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