Tag Archives: God

Happiness is from God.

18 Oct

Yesterday, I would have had reason for being frustrated. Travis’ mom, dad and brother are out here for elk hunting and I, for the 3rd year in a row, have to miss the majority of their stay because of work. This year, I had to leave on Sunday morning in order to leave for Vegas – we’re putting on our last race of the season, Pumpkinman, this coming Saturday. I am SO ready for this season to be over and to have some time to relax and not feel the temptation to be stressed out.

But yesterday, as we were driving through the mountains on I-70, I couldn’t help but feel joy at the beauty and freshness of the fall day. Granted, it’s still in the 60s, even in the mountains, but it’s about as near fall as Colorado gets at this time of year.

As I felt that joy, that lightness of spirit, that hope in the future and rest in the present, I realized that I had not had that feeling in a VERY long time. And it dawned on me: joy is from the Lord. I do not have joy in this life, I do not have rest, peace, or hope, without Jesus working it in me. I can finally thank the Lord for all the trials and dark nights I have gone through in the past year because I see now that I do not have hope or joy in this life if it isn’t in the Lord.

A similar thing happened to me in my marriage. During our first year, I grew very bitter toward Travis due to a long stretch of misunderstandings and different affection styles. I was often dismayed and broken over my lack of love for Travis. What I had though would be an exciting time of life was really just… HARD. And while I remained committed to Travis and our marriage, I didn’t feel love for him.

Thanks to God and His work in my life, that has changed immensely. I am more in love with Travis now than I was when we got married and I now recognize that the love I feel for him is totally a gift from God. I do not have love in my heart naturally, not in the face of trials, struggles, frustrations and annoyances. Like in the song, Jesus My Only Hope: “Though I am dry and barren, By grace this love springs forth.” But it took me going through that period of dryness, of lovelessness, to recognize that my love for my husband is totally from God.

It’s good for God to redirect my focus like this – from looking into my own heart and wondering why it’s so barren, from looking at my circumstances and wondering why they don’t make me feel blessed, from looking at others who seem so happy and wondering why I can’t be more like them – to HIM. God is my joy. God is my meaning and reason for living. God is my strength. God is my help. God is my planner. God is my life.

I can finally notice the changing colors on the trees and bask in the sunshine and crisp fall air while finding joy in the little things of life because I am trusting God with the bigger things. Like my friend Katie Stromwall said, “He gets glory through our trust.” If I am truly desiring to glorify God with my life, I will trust Him.

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At the foot of the Cross

12 Oct

The past few days have been hard. I’ve been frustrated with/depressed about my job again and let it throw a gloomy cloud over everything. It becomes all I can think about and I just dwell in that place, wondering why I struggle so much with things other people seem to be fine with and how God and the gospel just don’t seem to be revelant in my situation.

Praise the Lord that He never lets me stay in that place! I re-read We Would See Jesus last night and this morning – took me about 6 hours. What an amazing book – definitely one of the best books ever written! It was exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. When I had felt stressed out about my job, and in turn life in general, I knew I wasn’t trusting God. I knew that my distrust was sin. But instead of just confessing it at the Cross and resting there in Jesus’ perfect atonement, I skipped ahead to trying to trust God and His plan for my life. The Hessions say it perfectly:

“A mere attempt to trust Him more completely and to rest in Him, without an acknowledgment of the sin there is, never brings victory, His victory. He is only the Vine to me as I repent of trying to be the vine myself. It is only as I repent of my unlove that I have His love; only as I confess my worry and lack of peace that I have His peace; only as I confess my impatience that I have His long-suffering; only as I confess my resentment that I have His meekness, and so on.”

Earlier, they wrote, “So it is that victory ever comes by repentance — coupled with a simple trusting Him to be to us what He promises.”

Repentance. That’s what I have been missing. I have known that I was a sinner, void of anything good in myself, and incapable of living the Christian life on my own. But I never came to the foot of the Cross and said that. Instead, that acknowledgment turned me to striving. When I felt anxious, I knew that I was sinning by not trusting in God but instead of confessing my sin, I just tried to trust God. I even prayed about it, a lot! But I constantly felt defeated. And no wonder why – I was trying to be the vine, to produce trust in God by myself.

“This, then, is the reason for our failure, too. It is simply that we have been trying to be the vine; we have been trying to find a holiness and a love for others in ourselves and from ourselves which Scripture never encourages us to expect to find there… God no longer expects us to be the vine. We need not even try. The responsibility for producing fruit is no longer ours. God has His own true Vine, the risen Lord Jesus, who is well able to produce all the fruit that God requires for others, and to fulfill all the purposes of His grace for men… We do not produce the fruit, but simply bear what He produces, as we permit Him to live in us.”

It is amazing to know that in response to my sin, all I have to do is bring it to the foot of the Cross, where Christ has paid for it once for all, and to rest there – in full acknowledgment of my failure, need, and insufficiency. And I don’t have to leave the foot of the Cross. I don’t have to go out and try better. I don’t have to draw strength from Christ to set out on my own until I fail again. I can stay there. I can rest there, knowing the reality of my condition but trusting the completion of Christ’s work on the cross. What’s more, that’s exactly where Christ works in me to produce all the things I lack.

I had been feeling hopeless and depressed. I had believed the lie that life would never get better, I would always feel this way, and I was beyond help, even God’s. But coming to the foot of the Cross, I find hope again and all the lies I had believed are destroyed – and while I still am the wretched, pathetic soul I ever was, I don’t have to grieve that fact eternally.

Because I have a Savior.

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Contentment in being a sinner

6 Oct

From my last post, it’s obvious that I’ve been thinking about contentment lately. I’ve also been thinking a lot about my sin and struggles, which seem to be everywhere and never-ending. Yesterday, I felt discouraged and depressed at the thought that I will always struggle with sin and selfishness in this life. My whole life will be like this?!?!?!? I’m not sure I can handle that, I was thinking.

But in the midst of that, I had some other thoughts. One, I’ve heard it said that the more mature Christians are the ones who recognize their sin more. So seeing my sin everywhere is actually a sign of God working in me, not me backsliding (after all, those sins have always been present, I’m just now seeing them). This is evident in the apostle Paul’s life, who describes himself in ever-increasing degrees of sinfulness. He is the “chief of sinners” in one of his very last letters.

Two, despite Paul’s awareness of his depravity, he doesn’t focus on it much. His letters are overwhelmingly about the victory we have in Christ and the new life we can now live. So perhaps I focus too much on my own sin and not enough on Christ. It’s the reverse form of pride – it’s still all about me but now, I’m just dwelling on how much I suck.

Then I read in 2 Corinthians that Paul had learned to be content with his weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on him. Roy and Revel Hession in We Would See Jesus echo that when they write:

“Grace permits us to come (nay, demands that we come) as empty sinners to be blessed, empty of right feelings, good character, and satisfactory record, with nothing to commend ourselves but our deep need, fully and frankly acknowledged. Then grace, being what it is, is drawn by that need to satisfy it, just as water is drawn to depth that it might fill it. This means that when at last we are content to find no merit in ourselves, and are willing to admit the full extent of our sinfulness, then there is no limit to what God will do for the poor who look to Him in their nothingness” (emphasis mine).

This idea of being content in being a sinner was at first confusing to me. Doesn’t being content with being a sinner mean that I resign myself to the fact that I continuously try to be my own god and that as a result of that acceptance, I will stop trying to change? But I had been thinking of contentment as a passive acceptance of reality. Instead, as I read here, “Contentment, from the biblical viewpoint, is not merely a passive willingness to bear whatever comes, but a vital, living, active power to overcome and conquer through the strength and grace of God.” So contentment and the battle for holiness can simultaneously exist in the Christian’s life.

Admitting that I have nothing good in me and never will in this lifetime is very difficult. My flesh wants to object and say, “Well what about that time that I didn’t yell at Travis, even though I wanted to? Or that time I gave $5 to a homeless man? Or what about my desire to be holy – surely that means something?” Even though I’ve said and believed that I’m utterly sinful, I haven’t understood the depth of  what that means. It means that there is nothing good in me. That I am not worth anything apart from Christ.

I have been subconsciously waiting for the day when I will feel victorious over sin. I will feel that I have conquered my old nature and am now, finally, living in the power of the Spirit. I have been expecting to, someday, no longer feel like a sinner. But that day on earth will never come. I will always be a sinner here. I will always struggle with my human nature. Instead of getting frustrated that I sinned yet again, I should say to myself in those moments, “Well, that doesn’t surprise me” and focus ever more on God’s grace to me through the cross of Christ.

This realization has been groundbreaking. Thinking about all the sins and struggles I’ve had recently, I can see that they’re all rooted in me trying to justify myself, to prove my worth, to find something in and of myself that I can hold on to and say “This. This is what makes me valuable.” My struggles with body image and jealousy of other women are just me wanting to be valuable based on beauty. My anger at Travis when he points out my sin or makes me feel stupid is just me wanting to justify myself. In short, my flesh is not content to be an empty sinner, void of anything to commend myself. It wants something more than Christ to show I’m valuable.

But my heart wants to moment by moment cast off all the things that I am trying to find my worth in, and instead turn to God and say (in the words of Mercy Me), “You are to blame for anything that is good in my heart.” Already, I feel peaceful from not expecting to feel good about myself but in looking to Christ for everything. I’ve realized it before but am realizing it again – the Christian life isn’t about becoming a better version of myself. It’s about letting Christ live through me. It’s about recognizing my need – my failures, sins and weaknesses – and instead of trying to make up for them through my own strength and efforts, acknowledging them and looking to Christ for His sufficient grace and asking Him to make His power perfect in my weakness.

That is how I can be content in being a sinner: seeing the reality of my situation, acknowledging that I am nothing and can do nothing myself, and looking to Christ in my nothingness. In doing so, I end up being conformed to the image of Christ without my even trying. Christ is the one who acts. Contentment really is a win-win.

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Some much-needed relaxation

28 Sep

I am currently sitting in my room at The Dana of Mission Bay in not-so-sunny-right-now San Diego. Travis is taking a class down here for work and invited me to come along. Stay in California for a week FREE? Heck yeah!

But I’m not doing much to take advantage of my beautiful surroundings today – I ate breakfast with Travis and then spent the morning in bed watching TV. I kept thinking that I should get up and do something but I am utterly exhausted. We had another race this past weekend and working 26 hours in 2 days out in the sun definitely takes a toll. It takes me at least a day of being a bum to feel human again, especially when I don’t have any coffee!! I don’t have a car and our hotel is about a mile from anything – walkable but Travis is concerned about me going anywhere on my own. And actually, I would be totally fine with just bumming around the hotel but my internet connection barely works so I can’t work, can’t watch movies, can’t blog (I’m doing this on my phone, which works but isn’t ideal.) I don’t even have any sunscreen so I can’t lay out much either. Tomorrow I’m going to see if I can drive Travis to his class and then take the car to a coffee shop with free wifi. Then I might go to a book store or shopping.

The ironic part about this is that I always dream about days like this – just getting to lay around, reading, blogging, getting in the word. All the time in the world. But my feeling of guilt over not being productive or making the most of my day makes me realize that I have made productivity an idol. I mean, in reality, I am not being lazy – I am recovering from being legitimately worn out. And its only one day! In fact, I only laid in bed for 4 hours – not even a quarter of a day!

But even so, I find that the way I feel about myself is effected when I feel lazy. I don’t feel as valuable or as lovable. And that means my identity is wrapped up in how much I get done in any particular day, not in Christ alone.

It’s amazing to me how fast my flesh runs to things of this world to justify my existence. It’s not enough that the God of the universe loves me eternally – I need to prove how much I’m worth by being thin, well-dressed, smart, and having everything under control. I need to accomplish things, to do stuff showing I am not just taking up space here. But like any idol, my idol of busyness robs me of my joy and my need for rest. Jesus offers me rest, not more work. Not only that, He devoted an entire day to resting, because He knows we need it. He even rested from His own work after creating the world! So rest is a good thing. And I’m thankful because I really need some! And now its off to time in the word, some reading, and a nap.

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Loving God, Hating Money

21 Sep

I hate money.

I hate earning it, I hate saving it, I hate talking about it, I hate worrying about it.

I guess I do like to spend it.

But that’s not the point.

Travis and I just got into a fight over money. Even though this is supposedly the thing that married couples fight over the most often, Travis and I rarely fight over money. Mostly because I would rather just not think about it. Ignorance is bliss, if you ask me. It works out well for us because Travis is good with money. I am not. I was the girl who overdrafted frequently because I avoided balancing my checkbook like the plague – not because I can’t do math but because even just that simple act caused me anxiety.

So when Travis wants to buy a new gun or fishing gear or a tool, all I ask is if we can afford it. If he says yes, then I say go for it. When I want to go shopping for a new shirt or running apparel, I ask Travis if I can and if so, how much I can spend. When Travis thinks we should refinance our mortgage or open up Roth IRAs, I say “Great! Where do I sign?” This process works for us.

But my new job has caused unexpected animosity between us in regards to money. First, it was because I accepted the job despite the fact I would be getting paid less than what was initially promised. Since I don’t really care about money, I didn’t think it was a big deal. Travis disagreed.

Then, it was because I needed to get a new desk, wanted to redo the office, and had to buy office supplies – out of my own pocket. Reluctantly, Travis gave me a budget and I stayed within it (for the first time ever!)

We’ve fought over me needing a new printer and a shelf in the garage, me driving our own car up to Boulder instead of the company car, me getting paid a pathetic $15 per diem for when I’m traveling.

Tonight, the fight was about me going over our minutes on our cell phone plan (out of our 1,400 shared minutes, Travis used 130 and I used the rest, plus an additional $75 worth) and my working from home necessitating us having internet (since both of us have smart phones, we don’t really need internet at home). Both of these are things that my company should be pay for because they are things I need to do my job. But they don’t. I have asked them about getting more money for my phone (I currently get $30/month) but they refused, saying it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.

Travis’ reaction to all this is frustration at the owners of the company I work for. He feels (rightfully so) that they should be paying for this stuff and since they refuse, he gets angry. And when he’s riled up enough, he comes to me and tells me things need to change.

My reaction? Anger, right back. “What are my options?” I scream/ask. “I need these things to do my job. If they refuse to pay for these things, I have two options: I can put up with it or I can quit. Do you want me to quit?”

If you’ve followed my blog for any of the past few weeks, you know that this is not the first time or reason why I have contemplated quitting my job. And when my job causes this kind of friction and frustration between me and Travis, I can’t help but think “WHY do I have this job again?”

When Travis is upset about money in regards to my job, I can’t help but feel like the bad guy because if it weren’t for me, the one with the job, we wouldn’t be having these problems. And that makes me hate money even more – when I should really be hating Satan because I know these fights are exactly what he wants. Satan wants this to drive us apart. Satan wants this to take our eyes off God and wonder why He allows this kind of injustice to happen to us. Satan wants me to doubt God’s leading me into this job and wonder if maybe I made a mistake leaving Dare 2 Share and should look for a new job. Most of all, Satan wants to destroy our faith.

There are practical steps to be taken with this situation – I have already emailed my boss D about getting the company Vonage phone for my use, since she doesn’t use it and I really could. I downloaded an app to my phone that will allow me to tether it to my computer, turning my phone into its own hot spot, in the hopes that we will be able to cancel our internet service and save that $40 a month.

But the biggest step to take is faith. It’s running to the Father in prayer, asking for His wisdom to guide us, for His provision in our lives, and for His mighty hand to work this situation out for our good, as trite as it may seem in contrast to the big picture. So I will run, I will ask, and I will rest.

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It’s all about me, right?

12 Sep

You know how when God opens your eyes to a spiritual truth that you see evidence proving it everywhere you look? Things that you once glanced over indifferently you know see as a treasure justifying what you have been learning from God.

Well, that thing right now for me is my selfishness. It’s like the blinders have been removed my eyes and I can finally see how utterly, completely, totally selfish I am. My self-centeredness seeps into every corner, every interaction, every detail, every thought, every attitude, every choice. When I find I’ve lost my peace, I just have to ask “What am I wanting now that I ‘m not getting?” and I have the source of my angst.

And all I have to say to this selfishness is:

WOW.

It’s scary. Horrible. Nasty. Ugly. Revolting. Diabolical. Evil. Heinous. Vengeful. Angry. Bitter.

In the sermon at church today, the pastor was preaching on Phil 4:11-13 where Paul talks about his secret to contentment. The pastor said that the reason why we become discontent is because we think “I don’t have what I deserve.” And that is exactly the reason why I am so self-centered.

I’m not getting what I want, what I think I deserve. I deserve peace and quiet, time to do what I want. I deserve to park my car in the garage and not on the street. I deserve to go to bed early and not be disturbed when Travis comes to bed. I deserve to read without being interrupted. I deserve to watch the program I want to watch on TV. I deserve to pick the movie. I deserve. I deserve. I deserve.

WOW.

What amazes me most about my selfishness is that I was mostly unaware of it until Travis called me out on it. And while my immediate reaction to his rebuke was “I don’t care if my words hurt you – you’re just being a big baby,” God’s grace to me in that moment allowed me to not only keep my mouth from saying that, but also to step back and look at my behavior. What I saw made me want to run and hide. It made me want to sit in the corner and cry. It made me want to throw my arms up in defeat. But again, God’s grace gave me the strength to apologize to Travis and humble myself.

My selfishness continues to rear its ugly head around every bend but now I can see it for what it is. I can see that it’s me trying to live out my own agenda, trying to get what I think I deserve, and mowing down anyone who gets in my way. And I can repent from that natural tendency and choose to live for God’s will and not my own. I can choose obedience over desire.

Just this afternoon, Travis asked me to help vacuum-seal his antelope meat. I REALLY did not want to help (after all, he’s the one who wanted to go hunting, right? Let him do all the work!) but God has called me to serve my husband. So I am helping. Perhaps not with the world’s best attitude but I’m a work in progress, what can I say?

While it’s hard to be confronted with one’s sinfulness and utter depravity, it is also a huge blessing. God disciplines those He loves – He doesn’t abandon us to our own devices and allow us to live out every whim. He intervenes, convicts, and transforms. I’m so thankful He does!! Only God knows what I’d be if He didn’t.

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Rescued

10 Sep

I drove up to Boulder today, a nice little 30-minute jaunt from my house. I usually use that kind of prolonged time in the car to think out loud about issues I’m dealing with (which also helps me to not fall asleep).

Today, I was thinking about something the pastor said in the sermon on Ecclesiastes I was listening to this morning during my run. He said that God wants us to have pleasure – He wired us that way. Since I attended John Piper’s church for over 2 years, I had heard this before. But I heard it with fresh ears today because I realized – I don’t believe that.

For a while now, I’ve been questioning the point of doing stuff that I would consider “fluff” – things that are done purely because they are fun and enjoyable. Work, hygiene, chores, bills – these are not fluff because they must be done. Going to the movies, painting your nails, shopping, cooking new dishes, making crafts – these are fluff. They are done purely for enjoyment. I have not been able to enjoy these things like I used to because I have felt like Solomon – all is vanity, a chasing after the wind. At the end of the day, what do I have to show for these things? Nothing of significance.

And that’s just my problem. I had been questioning the value and merit of anything that didn’t contribute directly to the bottom line of Christianity (knowing God and making Him known). Praying, worship, reading the Bible, evangelizing, volunteering, serving the needy, working, maintaining a household – these are things that have either a tangible outcome or a direct impact on our eternity with God. But gardening? Running? Decorating? Shopping? Haircoloring? Trips to the zoo? Things like these are done for pleasure. What is the point of them?

Then I asked myself, why do I feel like I can’t engage in things that don’t contribute to the “bottom line”? I didn’t use to feel this way about everyday things so what changed? Guilt. I feel guilty when I do those things because I feel like I’m wasting time. And I feel like I’m wasting time with tedious, trivial little crap because I should be out there doing better, more productive things with my life. I should be doing more.

And there it is. The elephant in the corner. “I should be doing more.” I’m reading the book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World right now and I tell you, the book couldn’t be more relevant to where I am in life right now. I just read this section:

“…While there are many things that need to be done, things I’m capable of doing and want to do, I am not always the one to do them. Even if I have a burden for a certain need or project, my interest or concern is not a surefire sign that I need to be in charge… Service was never supposed to be our first priority. Work is not our first order of business – even working for the Lord. In fact, our own efforts are so far down the line when it comes to what God wants that they didn’t even register in Jesus’ conversation with Martha… Only one thing is needed – intimacy with God.”

I have been so focused on doing more for God that I have taken my eyes off Him. I have focused more on my own contribution to His kingdom than on the price He paid on my behalf. And the ironic part is that the more I focus on being externally selfless by donating my time and money, the less I see how I selfish I really am on the inside. I was just confronted yesterday with a list of all the self-centered things I have done in the past 4-5 days. It was a reality check. I have been living in Kathy’s World. Everything is about me. And dwelling on my problems and cares just magnifies my already natural, sinful tendency of making everything all about me. I have been so busy thinking about me that I didn’t even realize I was only thinking about me. Imagine.

So to bring this full circle, I see that my cynicism about life has come from an incorrect belief that the only thing that matters and is worthy of my time is service to God and things that contribute to the bottom line of my Christian walk, like prayer and time in the Word. That incorrect belief stems from a feeling of guilt caused by the notion that I should be doing more with my life because surely (I thought) that is what God expects and desires.

But I have left out the idea of God wanting me to experience pleasure, to have fellowship with Himself and to become more like Christ on the inside. God wants me to know Him, to enjoy Him, to enjoy life. Living a selfless life grows out of a deep, intimate relationship with the Father – it doesn’t come from some divine ability to be the Incredible Christian Superwoman. Instead of trying to live an externally selfless life filled with service, I should focus on becoming less selfish on the inside through spending time with Jesus.

As for those things that I consider “fluff,” God created me and everyone else to have certain interests and hobbies – which are good things! He does not expect to sacrifice all things we enjoy for the sake of serving His kingdom. God is not all work and no play! He created these things for us to enjoy them (1 Timothy 4:4-5). It is good that God gave me a passion for endurance sports and reading and an interest in cooking, health and nutrition, and wine. I can enjoy these things by thanking God for them, by seeking to know God more through them, and by using them in a way that glorifies and magnifies who God is.

God has also given us all unique personalities and dispositions. He created me with a need for downtime and relaxation in order to maintain my sanity. I cannot go, go, go. And because of that, I know that I cannot take on any more than I already have on my plate because the only result would be me having a nervous breakdown. And that doesn’t serve anyone.

So instead of focusing on everything I’m not doing (and feeling incredibly guilty), I see that I need to focus on being faithful and the best I personally can be with the roles that God has called me to fill at this stage in my life (in order of importance): 1) a follower of Christ, 2) a wife, 3) an employee, 4) a church member, 5) a friend, 6) a volunteer. I don’t want to overlook how I interact with and serve the most important people in my life just because I’m too concerned with how I’m not serving the poor and needy, not throwing perfect dinner parties, not wearing the latest fashions (or even always changing out of my pajamas), not the thinnest or the prettiest, not a fast runner, not successful, or any of the other things I obsess about in the course of a day.

This has gotten to be a long blog post but I can’t say how much this revelation has literally changed my life. I have been stuck in a rut of joylessness for SO LONG, not knowing how to get out of it, nor having the strength even to try. I feel like the psalmist when he said:

“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters…He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me” (Psalm 18:16,19).

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God” (Psalm 40:2-3).

God has rescued me.

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Ugly unbelief

9 Sep

Unbelief is an ugly thing.

My blog post yesterday is some pretty convincing evidence of that statement. Just writing that post made me depressed and discouraged – I can’t imagine what it’s like reading it!!

But instead of deleting it as the insane rantings of an emotionally unhinged lunatic, I am leaving it. This is real evidence of the struggle with unbelief, a struggle which everyone has, to some extent, every day. I just show what happens when you let it spiral out of control.

I woke up today planning to run 15 miles but since our race this weekend has been cancelled due to the Fourmile Canyon fire (and I really didn’t feel like running that much today), I decided to do that run on Saturday, when I will be better rested and can take a nap afterwards. So instead of lacing up my running shoes at 6:30, I cracked open Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest.

This is what I read: “A river is victoriously persistent, overcoming all barriers… [Has] an obstacle come into your life and you do not seem to be of any use to God? Then keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you around the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never focus your eyes on the obstacle or the difficulty. The obstacle will be a matter of total indifference to the river that will flow steadily through you if you will simply remember to stay focused on the Source. Never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ – not emotion or experience – nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

This is why I love reading Oswald Chambers. So often, his devotions are exactly what I needed to hear. I have been so focused on my problems that I’ve been saying “See how big my problems are?!?! How can God possibly help me with this?” When in reality, I was the one being the problem and God was the only answer.

After a little bit more rational pondering (and no doubt some inspiration from the Holy Spirit), I have realized that I am contributing to this problem of my job more than I was aware. There are 3 main issues:

1. Working from home has definite benefits – I love the flexibility. But it’s that very flexibility that has made me subconsciously feel like a slacker all the time and resulted in a huge burden of guilt. I don’t feel like I am giving a wholehearted effort in my job – I’m doing just enough to get by. That feeling, though subtle, has been wearing on me. And I think, in this instance, that guilt is a good indication that I am not glorifying God in my work ethic right now.

2. I also have been overwhelmed by feelings of not being able to do all the things that I would like to do – and I blame it on work. I think this feeling goes along with any commitment, since naturally, by doing one thing, you eliminate the possibility of doing another thing at the same time. So instead of letting this limitation breed discontentment, I am memorizing the verse, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). God has commanded that I focus on the positive things (Philippians 4:8) and be content (Philippians 4:11).

3. Last but certainly not least, I have been very fearful in my job. The modern term is “stressed out” but I’m pretty sure that’s just a fancy way of saying I’m scared. I’m scared about failing (volunteer coordination) and scared about what other people think about me (getting new timing clients). Instead of looking to God and saying “This I know, that God is for me… what can man do to me?”, I have been saying “I can’t handle this!!” These realizations seems so obvious that I feel a little sheepish for my previous blog rant. But that is the effect of unbelief – you can’t think rationally, you believe sinful emotions instead of the truth, and rely on your own very limited understanding.

So in response to these 3 issues, I’m going to take some practical and spiritual action:

With God’s help, I am going to maintain a more intentional work schedule. Instead of working just whenever, I’m going to try to sit down around the same time every day and work for a particular duration – say 9 to 4. I am also going to start keeping track of the hours I work so I will know whether my guilt is sinful (letting my actions dictate how much I’m worth) or godly (I am not glorifying God by being a hearty worker).

I am going to prioritize my non-work time. The things I really want to make a priority are, in no particular order: running (the marathon is only 2 months away!), getting in the Word, praying, reading, cooking healthy food (not frozen pizzas!), and blogging. I need to be intentional about not getting sucked into mindless TV – though I do still hope to watch my favorite shows, like Bones and Desperate Housewives. But that will come second to my other, higher priorities.

And when I feel fearful about failure or human approval, I need to run to God. I need to remind myself of the revelant truth that He loves me and nothing I do or don’t do can change that. And because He loves me, I can trust Him. Just like with sanctification, I am responsible for the practical, everyday matters but He is in charge of the final product. I am called to be faithful in my job, but He is the one who makes me succeed. “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8). I can trust God with the outcome of my job.

Yet again, I am so incredibly thankful that God is who He is – faithful, enduring, patient, loving, gracious. I am ashamed of my unbelieving behavior over the past week and a half and yet, I can come into God’s presence through prayer as if nothing ever happened. That is amazing.

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him, for God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).

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Wrestling with Life

8 Sep

I’ve been having a hard time with my job lately. I haven’t posted in a while because my job has hijacked my emotions and cast a dark, gloomy cloud over everything.

Or so it feels.

I got to talk to my good friend Holly last night (which was great!) and she said that she’s been learning that life is just one big paradox. That is exactly how I feel. So often I have conflicting, polar-opposite emotions and I feel slightly like a crazy lady who just needs to go out and find a shopping cart and cat already. I’m sure Travis’ mind reels at times when I spew emotional babble, going around in circles, talking about voices in my head and how I wish I could just shut my brain off.

I have to admit that I feel pretty alone in my struggle. It seems like I’m the only Christian I know who struggles with their job this much. Heck, who struggles with life this much. I keep analyzing, judging, questioning, wondering. I had finally gotten to a point after reading Just Do Something where I felt like I could just live and not hyper-analyze every little decision, like why I go grocery shopping at Safeway instead of King Soopers.

But then the bottom of my life fell out.

And now I’m back to feeling unsettled and disturbed every day. I wonder what’s the point of taking a shower and wearing nice clothes. I wonder how people have the motivation to eat healthy and care about their appearance. I wonder why God has made me this way – why can’t I just accept things at face value and move on like everyone else? I am angry that life is so freakin’ hard. I wonder why I can’t live in the joy and peace that Jesus talks about. I can’t even bring myself to believe in God’s promises right now. They seem so irrelevant and trite. If God is my strength to get through the day, then why do I still wake up wishing I had a different life?

The easy solution is to think that I just need a different job. And that may be so. But I’ve felt like this at pretty much every job I’ve had. And I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of trying to survive a life I don’t enjoy. I’m sick of working hard to find joy in things that really are void of joy. Doesn’t anyone else feel this way? How do people go through the daily grind of life and never want anything more? I want to know their secret because I am SICK of wrestling with my life.

I know that Christ is the answer – He always is. But my heart is floundering in the midst of my unbelief and I can’t make it back to shore.

I obviously have had this struggle before – I feel like every one of my blog posts is a repeat of the one before it. And back on November 9, 2005, I wrote this:

“My child, you don’t need to try. I see your life frequently overwhelm you and my heart breaks when I see your sin grieving your spirit so. But if it’s even possible, I love you infinitely more at these times when you are helplessly broken and down on yourself. Take heart, beloved, for all things are possible with Me and you are not without hope. I am your hope. I am your strength. I fight for you when you cannot fight for yourself. I uphold your soul when you let go of it. I gaze tenderly upon your defeated body, which is endearing to Me, and desire more than anything to control your life, to cleanse your heart, to satisfy your deepest longings, to take away your anguish, and give you nothing but quietness of soul. You don’t want to try so don’t. Let me do it. Please don’t run away, I beg you; rest in Me and you will find peace for your soul. My little sheep, cling to me and I promise that I will forever delight in calling you mine.”

I want to believe that this is God’s love for me. I want to believe that I can rest in Him, find peace and that He is the strength that enables me to get through each day. I want to believe.

Lord, help my unbelief.

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My wonderful husband

20 Aug

Marriage is like life. There are times when everything is falling apart around you and you feel like you can’t take even just one more step or your entire life might implode. Then there are times when everything is going right. You feel at peace with the world, you enjoy little things that you usually don’t notice, and you feel like your life is better than you deserve.

Right now, I’m in one of those happy times with Travis. Marriage hasn’t always been coming-up-roses. There have been hard times when I wondered WHY is marriage so HARD? There have been times when I really couldn’t handle being in the same room as the man I married. There have been countless times when I have broken down in a fit of sobs because I so fail to be the wife I want to be.

And while I still have not attained to being the wife I want to be, I have to praise the Lord for what our marriage is. Travis has been so amazing to me in the past couple of months that I am just in awe of the man I married. He cooks me dinner when I get home utterly exhausted from a long work trip. He buys me flowers just because he knows I like them. He cleans the house and does laundry when I don’t have the time. He tells me he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife (even if I don’t *quite* believe that last part). He supports my interests and hobbies. He doesn’t get mad when I cook tofu for dinner instead of steak.

In short, he is just absolutely incredible.

When Travis and I first started dating, I remember feeling amazed at who Travis was. How he treated me with respect and love, how he went out of his way to make me feel special, how his character remained solid even in the face of temptation and badgering. I felt so blessed by God because Travis truly was everything I had wanted in a man – so much so that I really hadn’t thought a man like Travis even existed. But he did.

But despite it being Travis doing all the sweet, thoughtful things for me, I know that our marriage is God’s work. It is God who has been our hope during the hard times, softened our hearts when we wanted so much to be spiteful, kept our commitment to one another firm when it seemed like we were so at odds, given us love for one another when our hearts felt dry and barren. God has given us so much and I can honestly say that I don’t know how couples make it in marriage without God. And not just believing that God exists but calling upon His strength and wellsprings of love day after day, week after week.

Because of God’s grace, I am committed to Travis until death do us part. I am committed to supporting and loving him, to encouraging and respecting him, for our entire lives together. But when I feel so in love with Travis like I do now, when his smile gives me butterflies, his touch comforts me, and his thoughtfulness melts my heart, I feel God pouring so much of His grace into my lap that it is overflowing and covering the floor. I feel God’s work in my life, creating these emotions that my stone-hearted person of flesh doesn’t have naturally. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve Travis. I don’t deserve redemption or eternal life. But that’s the kind of God we have – the kind who gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything back. The kind who gives the most at the times when we are the least deserving.

Before Travis and I were engaged, I struggled a lot with believing that God could bless me through a man. My only experience with guys had been heartbreak and disappointment. But God has proven over and over that He can indeed bless me through whatever means He wants – and I praise Him that He has chosen one of those ways to be my husband.

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