Tag Archives: God

The Crazy Adventures of Save and Spend

7 Jun

So we made it through our first day of house hunting. Travis and I went out with our realtor Victoria (she’s great!) to see 14 different houses today. We really liked 2-3 of them. They were a nice size, with great layouts, in our price point. But some of them were so weird and gross…hard to believe anyone can live like that!

For the past 4 hours, Travis and I have been having a very heated debate/discussion/argument about our finances, spending habits, and mortgage amounts. He tends to get very pessimistic and Debbie Downer during times like this when he feels very pressed financially–“I just don’t want to spend so much money buying a house that we can’t enjoy it or put anything in it.” He also wants to put exorbitant (IMO) amounts of money in savings.

Needless to say, I tend to be very optimistic and borderline idealistic during times like this. I see a problem and start brainstorming solutions–“Well, we’ll just stop going out to eat and only limit movies in the theaters to once a month and save half of our ‘blow money’ to fly to Mexico in March with my family” (or else we wouldn’t be able to make it happen). In a lot of ways, it might end up being like my New Year’s Resolutions: very ambitious but hardly ever carried through.

But I am willing to change our lifestyle somewhat to make buying a house possible. And we’re not talking about a $300K 2,500 square foot tri-level mansion. We’re talking about a $170K 1,000 square foot ranch house (but there are some really nice ones out there!) And we wouldn’t have to reduce ourselves to rags and Ramen. We just couldn’t splurge on new camping gear and plane tickets and going to the Frozen Four for $150 a person. Things would be a little tighter, they’d be a little hard.

But we would grow. We would be forced to depend on God for provision. I don’t think that going into buying a house right now is a poor financial decision. We have about $600 wiggle room for “things that make life enjoyable” each month so it’s not like we’re putting all of our pennies into the same piggy bank, hoping we never need that money for anything else.

So I have proposed a trial run: for the month of July, we pretend that we have a mortgage. And are saving for Mexico in March. And are saving for grad school in September (which is SO CLOSE!) We limit our “date money” and we only get half of our “blow money.” Travis thinks it will be absolutely horrible. I think that it will be doable. (which is very weird considering I’m the spender and he’s the saver…) I think that we just need to be more discriminatory about when we go out to eat and to movies, etc. We have to make it count.

We will see how it goes. But a praise: today, I really felt like I was trusting the Lord to provide a house for us instead of freaking out that the house we like will be snatched up. I even prayed throughout the day when I felt myself getting overly excited for the Lord to remind me of His sovereignty and goodness. This morning, I felt reassured by this verse in Ephesians: “And now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

To God be the glory because I am nothing without Him.

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Jesus Recycles

4 Jun

That was the title of Greg Stier’s podcast today on prayer. His main point was “Jesus recycles our hearts in the same way his heart was recycled…through prayer!” A very convicting podcast—as they usually are. But this one was especially so for me because I struggle so much with prayer. I go through seasons when I pray a lot, but most of the time I pray only a couple times a week, if that.

Back when Travis and I were still dating and I was really struggling with trusting God’s goodness and timing, I prayed a lot. I sought His face and reassurances daily, even hourly. But without that kind of deep struggle, my prayer life has wilted.

On the chapel notes, Greg wrote “Jesus wants to use your current personal and emotional struggles to get you in the prayer closet with him. There he will recycle your heart once again and prepare you for what lies ahead.” My current personal and emotional struggles. No matter how trivial or insignificant they may seem, Jesus wants to use them to get me to pray.

 

I know that a huge tendency in my walk with the Lord is do things on my own strength. That’s my personality—I do it with lots of other stuff and get frustrated when other people “baby” me or try to help me do something that I’m “fully capable of.” Leaning on others—including God—is not intuitive or natural to me.

 

So when I have a struggle, or am anxious, or feel depressed or weary, I don’t run to God in prayer. I do remind myself of truth—truths that God revealed to me—but I’m not going through life on His strength directly. I’m going through life on strength that I garnered from my knowledge about Him and my “hold tight, it’s gonna get better” attitude.

 

But I want to run to God in prayer. I want to bring Him all the little anxieties that are chipping away at my self-sufficiency and contentment:

·         feeling like we don’t have enough money to even make nice dinners during the week;

·         being nervous about finding a house and closing on it within the span of 2 months;

·         vacillating between wanting to be thinner and wanting to be free from the desire to be thin;

·         wishing I was doing something else with my life, like writing my memoir and mentoring teenage and 20something girls about God, relationships and sex;

·         dreaming about being a missionary but wondering if I’ll ever get the chance to go;

·         wanting new clothes, new CDs, new books, new furniture and gadgets but feeling like my desires extend beyond my means;

·         missing Minnesota and all my friends and family but also being excited about our adventures in Colorado and our friends out here;

·         loving married life but having it be so hard and hurtful sometimes that I’d rather feel physical than the emotional pain;

·         learning to be my husband’s helper and partner, not his competitor or foe

·         having good intentions and shotgun motivation about my spiritual disciplines, eating habits, exercise schedule, morning routine, spending habits, work ethic, and appearance, but having it fade and dissolve over time, only to wish I could be more disciplined in x and y

 

The list goes on and on. I have tried to keep a prayer journal so that when I sit down, I know what to pray for (another one of my many good intentions!). I also know that quieting my heart before the Lord would bring these things to mind but I never give myself enough time to do that. What I am going to do, though, is print this and put it in my journal. A couple weeks ago, I made a goal for that week of praying every day. And I did it too, even if it was silently while lying in bed with the lights off.

 

I need to pray for God to help me be diligent in prayer. Ironic, huh? But here’s how awesome our God is: even if I don’t pray for diligence in prayer, even if I continue to go on in my own strength (though I hope I don’t!), God still blesses me and works in me—with no thanks to myself. Praise Yahweh!

 

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More reflections on contentment

29 May

Since I’m on the subject, why not a few more thoughts?

My boss, Carol Ann, reads from The Message translation. I’ve enjoyed it–it’s like reading a fun book, only it’s the Bible–and think I’m going to buy that version as a complement to my ESV Bible.

I read through Philippians today on my lunch break and while many verses stood out to me, I thought these applied to what I’ve been blogging about recently.

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.” Philippians 3:8-9

What to do from this verse: Meditate on the beautiful, not the ugly. Dwell on all the things I love about my appearance–my eyes, legs, back–and all the things my body can do–run, hike, bike, play tennis, give hugs, cuddle. Think positive thoughts and your attitude will be positive.

Along those lines, another verse I loved was “Celebrate God all day, every day.” Wow, that is a powerful thought! 

The other verse that really caught my attention was 

“I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” Philippians 3:11-13.  

Whatever I have…I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I can make it through not having what I think I should have. I can be content whatever my circumstances–even if I lose a leg and can never exercise again. Even if I develop a thyroid problem and gain 50 pounds. Even if I’m in a car accident and 90% of my body gets burned but I live.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will an end to this trouble but until that day comes

Still I will praise You, Still I will praise You

 

 

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Further reflections on contentment in God

28 May

What is my driving passion in life? Like many questions, the answer is my appearance—body image, weight, exercise. Greg said that it’s easy to do something in the name of Jesus and think that you’re worshipping God through it—but you’re not. I can tell myself that taking care of my body through diet and exercise is glorifying to God—which it is, in theory—but is that really the reason I do it? No, it’s not.

 

Yesterday, I felt like I had eaten a lot. So last night before dinner, instead of trusting God and believing that I am beautiful to Him regardless of how many calories I eat or what I weigh, I logged on to The Daily Plate and entered everything I had eaten. It came out ok so I was relieved. But a tiny inkling of guilt began to grow in my heart.

 

 How did I justify logging on when I knew I shouldn’t? I told myself, “It’ll make me feel better when I see that there’s nothing to worry about.” But I knew I was disobeying God. Why? My conscious betrayed me. I was putting my hope and trust in counting calories and in being in control of my own life rather than in God.

 

Counting calories in itself is not wrong. But the Bible says, “Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” My faith in Jesus does not lead me to count calories. In fact, my greatest desire is to be free from worrying about my body and my weight and to reach a point where I look to God for spiritual, emotional, and mental nourishment and I only look to food for physical nourishment.

 

Question: So why do I continue obsessing over calories, food, weight, body image, exercise, etc. even when I know that it makes me so miserable? Answer: Because I continue to believe that having the perfect body (according to my own standards, not God’s) will satisfy me.

 

But the truth is, I will never be satisfied if I’m not satisfied in God—and God ALONE.

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Bodily contentment

26 May

“Because your steadfast love is better than ______________, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3

At one women’s meeting in college, we were challenged to fill in that blank with whatever our biggest idol was, the thing we wanted most. At that time, I filled the blank with marriage. That’s what I wanted the most–and the thing I had the hardest time trusting God with.

But now the blank would be filled with a flat stomach. My stomach is my least favorite body part and no matter how in shape I get, how many sit-ups I do, I’m never quite satisfied with it.

Like most Americans who aren’t satisfied with their bodies, I have tried diets and exercise. I have counted calories and analyzed nutrition facts. I have sworn off sugar, cut out pop, ate more protein, ate fewer carbs. And you know, in college I was thin. I look back at pictures and think “Hey, not bad!” But here’s the kicker: I was never satisfied. No matter how much weight I lost and how toned I got, I never got to that elusive point (that I sinfully think is still out there somewhere) where I think “My body is now exactly how I want it.” Even if I did get to that point, one cheeseburger and it’d all be over.

So the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking about contentment, God’s glory, and my life. I listened to a great sermon by Tim Keller called Splitness about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the Apostle Paul in Romans 7. Keller points out that the commandment that gave Paul the most trouble was the 10th–Thou Shalt Not Covet. This commandment was different than the rest because it dealt with a heart issue and not just behavior. Keller said that the opposite of covetousness is contentment and that if we really had God, if we really understood how loved we were, we would be content.

Then, Travis and I were up hiking near Nederland. And I started thinking about something I read in Comfortable in Your Own Skin: being content with your body is glorifying to God. I had heard John Piper say that the purpose of our possessions is to show how much more precious God is to us than they are. The purpose of my body is to show how much more precious to me God is. It made complete sense: I remind myself to be content without the latest fashions and newest gadgets because God is enough. Being content with my body as it is right now–not because “it’s good enough” but because GOD is good enough–is glorifying to God.

Another thought I had that is weaved into all this is that in Christ, I have been freed from the Law–meaning I am justified on the basis of Christ’s perfection and not my own. Similarly, I have been freed from the law of beauty–being thin. Jesus thinks I’m drop dead gorgeous (to borrow from Greg Stier) because of Christ’s beauty in me. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.

“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Being thin doesn’t compare to experiencing the Father’s steadfast love. His love trumps all.

“All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.”

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Us, homeowners?

25 May

Travis and I drove around and looked at houses again today after having a little BBQ and reading session in a park near our apartment. The first 3-4 houses we looked at were “Eh?” or “Ew!” so we weren’t feeling very optimistic about the houses for sale in our price range. But the last 3-4 houses we looked at were more like “You know, given the right touches and help, this house has some potential” and “I could see us living here.” So we headed home with high spirits and high hopes.

So now the action plan is: prayer. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Travis and I are really asking a lot with the whole house hunting scenario. We want a nice, well-kept home selling for no more than $200K ($175 would be more like it), with a large yard, porch and/or patio/deck, a 2-car garage, a master bedroom w/master bath, and at least one additional bedroom and bathroom. On our “wouldn’t it be nice” list are: vaulted ceilings, open floor plan, lots of storage, big windows, and only minor tweaks needed (like not needing to overhaul the grody outside color of some houses!! honestly, WHAT were some people thinking?!?!?!?) 

In addition to all those requests, we are having our first day of looking at the insides of houses on June 7th. Hopefully, we’ll get to know what we like and don’t like, see what’s on the market, what goes for what price, etc. Then, according to our plan, we have a 2-week window to find a house we like, put an offer down, have it accepted, and set a closing date at the end of July. Some people spend 2-3 months looking at house (or longer!). We have about 2-3 weeks. 🙂

So you can see how we’re asking for a lot…

But God is able and willing to provide. And even when all of life falls into place just how I think it should, God is behind it, orchestrating it all. Even if our house plans don’t fall into place how I “think they should,” God is good and sovereign and has a purpose for everything.

So as we’re driving around looking at houses, and I can feel rising up in me the controlling maniac that wants to run up to the door of a house that I “kinda like” and yell “We’ll take it!”, the same maniac that will throw a fear-based temper tantrum if I see a house I want to put an offer on but Travis doesn’t, I know that I need to ground my heart and trust in the Lord everyday. I need to be a godly woman whose roots are sunk down deep into the truth of the gospel, a woman who doesn’t fear ANYTHING that is frightening (insert John Piper’s voice from his sermon The Beautiful Faith of Fearless Submission).

God will provide. He always does.

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This may not be normal…

16 May

But I love exercise.

As I was reading the book my mom gave me called “Comfortable in Your Own Skin,” the author was suggesting ways to live healthily. She said “You should exercise at least 30 minutes 3 times a week. I know, I hate exercise too but for the past 5 years, I have been diligent in exercising 3 times a week.”

First of all, three times a week isn’t really that much. I probably exercise 6 days a week, if not 7. But I’m not in a gym all 7 days–probably not even 2.

Second of all, how do you hate exercise? This is mind-boggling to me. Humans weren’t meant to sit around on their butts, doing nothing all day long. We were meant to DO things and be active! I can’t stand how I feel after sitting down all day.

But here’s the thing. I think most people think exercise = gym = bored out of my mind. Well, good news for them! There are many forms of exercise that don’t require a gym AT ALL! You can rollerblade, bike, run, hike, walk, play tennis, basketball, soccer, ice hockey, go canoeing, kayaking, swimming, dancing…really, the possibilities are endless. And I bet that if you asked the author of that book or anyone else who says that they “hate exercise,” they could probably name at least one (if not two or more) things on that list that they would enjoy.

Anyway, I’ll get off my soapbox now. The reason why I say all this is because I’ve been thinking about it ever since I read what that author wrote and also because last night and this morning I’ve had 2 great “workouts” that were extremely pleasant. Last night, Travis and I biked to McDonald’s and got their free Southern-style Chicken Sandwich (with the purchase of a medium drink). We also split a hot fudge sundae (yum…) Then we went on a 10-mile bike ride around Boulder. It was so peaceful and relaxing and a lot of Boulder’s Greenways go through undeveloped parts of the cities. So the ride was very scenic, spring-like, and wonderful.

Then this morning, I went on a 3.7 mile run. I normally don’t run in the morning (because the sun doesn’t come up until 5:45) but Stacey from work asked me to run a leg of the Colfax Marathon this Sunday. I’ll probably be running a 10K (6.2 miles) so I wanted to get out and run a little before Sunday, just to reassure myself that I can still do it. And I found out this morning that not only can I still do it, I can do it faster than ever! I ran 10 minute miles–I had been consistently running 11 or 11:30 minute miles before! Granted, I was beat by the end of my run but I did it!! YAY!

As I was praying on the way to work, I was thanking the Lord for my body. It’s a lot of hard work to get in shape but once you do, it is one of the best feelings in the world. I wish more people could experience it. It’s worth it. (Plus, all that hard work builds character.) 🙂

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Dethroning my idol of thinness

13 May

My mom mailed me a couple new books this past weekend. I’ve already almost finished one. It was about making peace with your body image from a Christian perspective. It was good. It’s main premise is that once you understand who you are–God’s beloved child, chosen before the foundation of the world and redeemed by Christ on the cross–you will be able to embrace and respect your body as a gift from God. That respect will in turn enable you to care for your body through eating right and exercising instead of punishing and starving it.

It made me realize that Christ died to free me from the world and its unrealistic expectations. Romans 12:2 says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Only by the transformation of my mind through the power of the Gospel will I be able to discover what is good, acceptable, and perfect. It’s not chiseled abs, a small waist, the latest fashions. For a godly woman, it is “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4). The key to accepting my body and respecting it is seeing myself the way God sees me and letting His opinion be the only one that matters.

I am also reading another book that isn’t Christian but I think it will also help me stop obsessing about food, weight, and body image. It’s called Intuitive Eating. The authors pretty much say that by listening to your body’s hunger cues (not bingeing or starving but feeding it when it’s hungry and stopping when it’s full) your body will reach its natural equilibrium. And the best part–you can still eat all your favorite foods!

I have been “practicing” intuitive eating since last fall–except for my month-long detour into calorie counting. It is an amazing feeling to eat dinner, enjoy it, and yet not eat so much that you feel like all you can do afterwards is go lie down. Like last night, after dinner (tacos), I cleaned our apartment. I literally put my dishes in the sink and grabbed the vaccuum. After being a frequent overeater for many years, being able to do this feels great.

I still have a ways to go. I still sometimes tally calories in my head, steer clear of certain “bad” foods, or feel guilty if I eat a decadent dessert. I want to get to a place where eating what my body needs and stopping when I’m full is second-nature and I don’t even have to think about it. I don’t want to obsess about my weight and food for the rest of my life. So much wasted energy!! 

Last night, as I was praying, I asked God to help change my mentality regarding weight and food. I asked Him to make me thankful for all the things that my body can do (like run a half marathon!) and to believe that I am perfect in His eyes–He personally sewed me together in my mother’s womb and hand-chose everything about me. I know that I need His help to change and to stop worshipping the idol of thinness. I’m excited to see His faithfulness at work!

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Ready to give?

10 May

I love Saturdays. I love waking up around 9:00 and getting in the Word for at least 45 minutes. This verse caught my eye as I was doing my Bible reading plan today:

“For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have.” (2 Corinthians 8:12)

Paul is talking about financial giving in this passage but goes on to say that our giving shouldn’t cause us to be burdened while others are eased but that we should give out of our present abundance–our “more than enough.”

I think this verse speaks to what a lot of Christians think about giving, myself included. I have a desire to give, not just financially but with my time and energy. I want to be a relief worker for the American Red Cross or the Peace Corps. I want to cook meals for the homeless, be a friend to the forgotten, and giver to the needy.

But something always stops me. I can always find a reason why “now is not a good time.”

Sometimes it’s practicality. Other times it’s scheduling conflicts. Other times it’s not having enough money. Or being scared. Or being indifferent when the excitement of the idea wears off. Or passing the idea off as a impractical ideal–after all, I’m an adult now with bills and a full-time job, right?

But Paul doesn’t make room for excuses in this verse. He says that if we have the readiness and the desire to give, whatever we have at that moment is acceptable, whether it’s a lot or just a little. I don’t have to wait until the day that I am perfectly set up for giving.

Which is a good eye-opener/reminder for me. I keep thinking about the days when I’ll be a stay-at-home mom. THEN I’ll be able to bake cookies as sweet reminders (no pun intended) for friends and people who are struggling. THEN I’ll be able to volunteer at my local homeless shelter or library or wherever I would volunteer at.

But if I keep making excuses now, when I don’t have any kids and am not involved in many activities, will I ever stop making them? Will I ever be “perfectly set up” for giving and volunteering?

I don’t think so. I think there will always be things to get in the way, things I think I should be doing instead, things that make giving or volunteering seem a little bit impractical and unwise.

But God calls us to trust in Him, not to be wise or practical in our own eyes. He calls us to live bold, fearless lives for Christ, whatever that entails. So if I am not stepping out on a limb, not for lack of a limb but for lack of trust, then I am not living my life in faith. I am stagnating, treading water, waiting for a day that may never come.

So now the hard part: how to put this into practice? I am notorious for good insights and no follow-through. I have found that I like philosophizing much more than I like applying. But evangelism and serving others have been on my heart for quite some time now. This gives me a good launch point into some serious reflection–and if the Lord wills (and enables), some action.

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Loneliness and Isolation

5 May

So Travis and I had a couple of long, good talks yesterday about how sad, lonely, and isolated we’re feeling out here in Colorado. We haven’t talked to our friends from back home since we saw them in MN at the beginning of March. No, we haven’t called them but phones work 2 ways–and they haven’t called us either. Add to that, the last couple of times we’ve talked to them, it has been us calling them. I can’t remember the last time they called me to talk.

We didn’t spend any time with people from church or work this weekend since we were up in Fort Collins for the race. Travis was feeling bummed because there are times when it feels like we don’t hang out with anyone outside of work. He’s discouraged with his mens’ group because he really wants to get to know them and share his life with them but he’s limited by where we live (20 miles away from all of them) and by how it seems that they all know each other already and Travis is an outsider.

I really enjoy my womens’ group and we have some good discussions and the vulnerability is growing. But outside of that group, I feel like those women don’t have a very big interest in hanging out with me. Some of them are 10-15 years older than I am so it’s hard to get together for coffee or even to relate to each other.

But alas, all these are excuses and rationalizations for the hard, cold truth: it’s hard being out here. It’s hard to be in between friend circles–we don’t feel like we have close friends back home anymore (hard to be close when you no longer share anything in common) and we don’t feel like we have close friends out here.

There are times when I get jealous of the married couples who I know are still living in Minneapolis around all their friends, who can go over to their houses and enjoy deep, meaningful friendship. Compared to our life out in Colorado, I can’t imagine that their lives are anything but easy (even though I know that’s not true). Friends do so much for your spirits and joy. And it seems like life would be so much easier with friends.

There are times when I think about moving back to Minnesota. But I believe that God has led us out here for a purpose and that my going back would be my fleshly response to this trial and not my following the Lord in faith.

I have been kind of half-hoping for a struggle like this that will push me to the Lord and cause me to need to seek Him and His comfort daily. So I am taking this struggle and running to the Lord with it. Praying for deep friendships out here in Colorado. Praying that God would reveal how He is my ultimate friend and fulfills every longing I have–even this desire to be known and cared for. God knows me and cares for me. Travis and I must cling to that hope and reassurance in this time of loneliness.

But some good news: Travis and I have been so in love lately. The Lord has been so faithful and good to us in our marriage for the past 2-3 weeks. My enjoyment of Travis and desire to be close to him–both emotionally and physically–has skyrocketed. I love my husband. I love my Lord.

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