Tag Archives: God

Humility and prayer

16 Feb

Yesterday I had a meeting with the “big wigs” (so to speak) at my company and a marketing consultant. We were discussing our branding/marketing strategy. My boss seemed a little anxious about the meeting–she just really wanted it to go well.

So I was a little anxious too. I read branding terminology as I ran on the treadmill. We went to the meeting a little early to discuss branding and marketing before the consultant showed up. And the meeting went really well. The consultant was very easygoing and since there were 6 of us there, there wasn’t really a spotlight at all. It was the longest meeting I’ve ever been in–it went from 9:30 am to 2:30 pm. I liked it because it made the day go by really fast.

But the thing that quieted my heart the most was knowing that it wasn’t my preparation or knowledge–or my boss’–that would make the meeting go well. It was God’s sovereignty. I knew I could trust Him with it all. When I was tempted to continue reading my branding glossary at breakfast instead of the Bible, I reminded myself of that truth and got in the Word instead of relying on myself and my own efforts.

As I sat there not knowing what to read and feeling anxious against my will about the meeting ahead of me (as well as the other work I had on my plate), a verse popped into my head about anxiety. 1 Peter 5:6-7– “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.”

As I read that, I realized that my anxiety over the coming day was a form of pride. I was assuming that I knew how the day should go and that my worrying and thinking about it would aid in it going that way. This verse shows the correlation between humility and prayer. So often, I don’t bring my anxieties before the Lord. I do remind myself of truth but because I don’t cast my anxieties on the Lord, I still retain control over the situation. I don’t have to acknowledge my dependence on Him. I don’t have to humble myself before the Lord.

But I see in 1 Peter 5 that one of the ways I humble myself before God is bringing my cares and anxieties before Him, committing them into His hand, entrusting the outcomes to His gracious and sovereign will. And not just in theory or in thought but in action and in words. Prayer comes out of a humble heart. And a humble heart naturally moves to prayer. Because when we are willing to recognize and acknowledge our own insufficiencies and weaknesses next to God’s sufficiencies and strengths, we are not only humbled, we are also moved to prayer.

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Garbage triggers insight

8 Feb

So last night I was cleaning up the kitchen and asked DH very nicely if he would do me a favor–take the trash out before he went to bed. A few seconds went by and he replied, “Why can’t I take it out tomorrow morning?” I had wanted him to take it out last night because I didn’t want the garbage to stink up our apartment. He wanted to wait until the morning because that is what we have been doing and he didn’t want to walk all the way out to the dumpster in the cold.

To his reply I said nothing. Instead, I went into the bedroom and while I was changing into my PJs, I realized that instead of silently being angry at him–Why does he need a reason? Isn’t it enough that I asked him to do it?–I should go talk to him about my feelings. So I went and told him how I felt and we discussed it for a while. He wanted a reason for taking the trash out at night; I didn’t really have one besides “Because I asked you to.” It was a mature discussion. No angry words were said, no doors slammed, but I still walked away sad, lonely, and feeling misunderstood.

I thought about just going to sleep to spite Travis even though I wanted to read for a while. But I got my Bible out anyway–God shouldn’t be pushed aside just because I was being moody. But I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. All I could think about was how I felt so frustrated and how part of me wanted Travis to come to bed and the other part didn’t. And then it came to me: my feeling not understood by Travis was causing me to push him away, both emotionally and physically. I was equating feeling loved with being understood.

As I remembered back to different fights we had had over the past couple months, my theory seemed to make more and more sense. That’s why I was always over-explaining my emotions, responses, and wanting Travis to know WHY things had happened the way they did. During our arguments, even if Travis conceded the point and I “won,” I wasn’t satisfied because I still didn’t feel like he understood me and why I did what I did. I wasn’t justifying anything–just explaining. Ultimately, I just want him to understand me!

So I told him my insight last night and it was a huge stepping stone for our marriage. I learned more about him and his need for logical, rational, step-by-step thinking and he learned more about my whimsical, desire-driven, irrational thinking. But I can’t say how much hope it gives me to know why I have been being so irritable and angry at Travis lately–it has been my response to being hurt emotionally. That doesn’t make it right but it does point the way to the road of recovery.

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40 days without chocolate

6 Feb

So like a lot of other Christians during the time of Lent, I decided to “give something up.” Even though I grew up in an Evangelical Lutheran church, my family didn’t really celebrate Lent. I do remember getting a wooden cross at the beginning of Lent and every Sunday leading up to Easter, getting another piece to add to the scene–some nails, a sponge for the wine, a pair of dice, a thin strip of purple cloth. We didn’t get a tiny crown of thorns though…maybe they considered it dangerous for little kids.

But I like the idea of celebrating the traditional church holidays. I mean, we celebrate Advent, why not Lent? The church that Travis and I attend out here doesn’t celebrate Lent though. At least, it doesn’t have an Ash Wednesday service tonight. I had kind of wanted to go. I even contemplated going to some random Lutheran church around here but that might just be weird. Add to that the fact that I don’t really agree with Lutherans’ theology either. Hmmm…

So the thing I am doing for Lent is giving up chocolate. I figure, it’s as much of a vice as any other. I eat chocolate like it’s going out of style. I know that I will have pangs of desire for chocolate during the next 40 days. So instead of eating chocolate (or just substituting another indulgence, like ice cream), I am going to use the time I would spend eating chocolate to commune with God. And whenever I am reminded that I can’t have chocolate, even though I really want some, I will be reminded that this world is not where I belong and I am bound for a better one.

Losing weight wouldn’t be bad either…

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What is my deal?

4 Feb

This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I’m just having such a hard time in our marriage right now, not because Travis is mean or insensitive or distant. Rather, it’s because I am.

I’m just so discouraged. I get mad at Travis over nothing quite often. So he’s gotten to the point (and I can’t blame him) of always assuming that if I’m mad, I’m mad at him. So if I say something remotely stern or terse, even if I’m not really mad, he thinks that I am mad and reacts. He acknowledges his sinfulness but I can’t help but see that about 90% of our fights are caused by me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a b$#%@. I feel like I fly off the handle at any little thing and not just when I’m PMSing. I know that ultimately, it’s because I’m a sinner. I also know that ultimately, I have been forgiven everything in Christ and that with the Holy Spirit, I have the power to conquer my sinful inclinations and desires to fight. But I just don’t feel like I’m winning or making any progress!!

For the past month, Travis and I haven’t gone even one whole day without fighting. Not only do I feel bad about our fighting, I wonder how much other newlyweds fight. I know the first year is supposedly the hardest. But why this hard? Is it this hard for other people? Am I just psychotic?

All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. It is miserable to always be fighting with your spouse, to be angry at them, have them angry at you, walking around on proverbial eggshells or making your spouse walk on them. I bawled in the car again last night and told Travis “Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this.” And as I lay this burden at the foot of the cross, I know that I won’t keep living like this–God won’t let me. Praise to Him for His faithfulness!

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Learning to love in reverse order

1 Feb

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a “girls’ night.” We watched The Princess Bride, a movie that I have seen way more times than I ever wanted to. So many people love that movie and I, well I just think it’s “okay.”  I’ll watch it willingly and I’m not in pain the whole time but it’s not a movie I would ever choose to watch on my own.

One of the girls who came brought a Chicken Bacon Artichoke pizza from Papa Murphy’s. It is my new favorite pizza. It was soooo amazing! And with bacon on it, you’d think that it would be high in calories. But it only has 181 calories per slice! Even though I’m not a huge fan of bacon, this pizza is fantastic. I will definitely be ordering it again.

When I left my friend’s house to go home, I was really excited to see Travis. But I knew that excitement to see my husband does not equal a good night with him. I can get frustrated, emotional, and annoyed by just about anything. So as I was driving home, I asked the Lord to let me have a good night with him and not get angry.

When I got into our apartment parking lot, I saw that Travis had parked the Pathfinder in our normal parking spot. We signed up for the spot right next to it but there has been this red Chevy Corsica sitting there forever (even though the car owner doesn’t even have a parking spot!). We put a note on the car but then it snowed and was covered up. Plus, I don’t think whoever owns the car uses it often enough to notice changes from day to day. Anyway, since the red car was in our other spot, and the Pathfinder was in our usual spot, I had to park my car about 200 feet away from our apartment door in the spots that aren’t assigned to anyone.

As I walked from my car to our apartment, I wasn’t mad. I was thinking “Maybe Travis was going to move the car before I got back and he just forgot.” When I got inside, I said playfully to Travis, “You made me park far away.” And he said sadly, “Ohhh, I tried calling you to let you know just to park in the spot next to me because no one ever parks there.” “I wasn’t expecting a call so I didn’t check my messages.”

And I was frustrated. A slight cause of it may have been that I felt Travis was saying it was my fault that I parked so far away because I didn’t check my messages. But most of it is just that I’m incredibly selfish and petty. And I don’t feel love for Travis a lot of the time, which burdens my heart with sorrow.

Travis wanted to cuddle but I just wanted my space. I got annoyed when he touched me. So being a nice, understanding guy, he left me alone. I just laid on the bed for a while, not moving. Travis asked me if I wanted to talk. I started talking but the tears started welling up. I broke down and it felt so good to cry on Travis’ shoulder. He just held me and said he loved me, which continues to amaze me since I feel like I deserve no favor from Travis for my often-harsh actions and words toward him. What did I do to deserve such a husband?

And so I see that I am learning to love my husband, and starting to feel love for him again, by being loved when I am not loving…just like our relationship with the Father. He loves us unconditionally, 24/7, when we are most unlovable. And His love moves our hearts to love–“We love because He first loved us.” I know that my Lord is using these trying, confusing circumstances for good and for His glory. I am just beginning to see the rays of light poking through the storm clouds…

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Sad day just got better!

28 Jan

Travis called about 1 hour ago and said that we did get approved for the car loan! YAY! Prayer definitely paid off. We are going to drive down to Colorado Springs tomorrow morning around 10:00 to go to the bank and do what we gotta do. I’m so happy that we’re going to have 2 cars at this time tomorrow!

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Sad day in the neighborhood

28 Jan

I know that God is sovereign and good. He is able and willing to provide for His children and He does provide. So I’m trying to not be too upset.

But Travis and I balanced our budget the other night, refiguring how much money we need for all of our different categories so that we can start putting $500 in savings every month for buying a house. As we looked at the budget, we started to realize that maybe buying a house this spring/summer isn’t possible for us. Well, it’s possible if we don’t want to put much or any down and we want a higher interest rate on our mortgage (turns out my credit might not be so hot because of stupid mistakes I made in college). We might just have to move into another apartment in Arvada/Wheat Ridge. At least that way, we would be closer to work and our friends, even if it’s still not a permanent residence.

Adding insult to injury, Travis found out this morning that our car loan was denied. “What?!?!?” I said. The guy at the bank did NOT say that this happening was even a possibility. He said that we had been approved for “x” at y% for a 2000 or older and approved for “z” at q% for a 2001 or newer. We were buying a 2001 so we thought we were good to go. Nope! I guess the bank sends some paperwork to someone else saying “We’re going to give these people this much money. Okay?” To which those people said, “NOT okay!” Travis said that the guy at the bank resubmitted the loan request, trying to appeal the denial. We find out this afternoon what happens.

God is sovereign and if He wants us to get this car, we will get it–of that I am sure. And if we don’t get the car, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing by not letting us have a car. He’s working something out and it is positively for our good and joy in Him. It just makes me a little frustrated at myself because I’M the reason why we’re having this trouble. I paid my car loan late just one time but it’s still a “discrepancy” in the eyes of the lenders. And since the car we want to buy is “borderline,” meaning it is right on the cutoff between the loan rates and amounts, the lenders denied it.

I’m praying every minute that God is delighting to give us the Pathfinder… it would be so amazing to have 2 cars again!

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By Grace Alone

17 Jan

I was talking to one my co-workers the other day about her two-year relationship with her ex-boyfriend of a year and a half. She talked about the heartache of thinking he had been “the one” and then going through their breakup. My heart went out to her.  I, too, have known what it feels like to be heartbroken over the man you love.

And I am so glad that I never have to experience that again. I just re-started writing my memoir of redemption, after a one and 1/2 year hiatus (read my story). Walking down memory lane this morning, I have been reminded of the struggles I went through and all the time I spent on my knees in tears before the Lord. Sometimes I look back on those times and wish I had something in my life right now to drive me to my knees like that. Most of the time, though, I praise the Lord for His faithfulness during drought and during plenty. I know that I don’t have to wish for hard circumstances in my life. They will happen, of this I can be sure. I also don’t have to wish for God to support and sustain me during those times. He will be there, of this I can also be sure.

It is during the times of plenty that we have to build our strength for the times of drought. We have to learn daily what it means to move through life in dependence upon God. I love what Oswald Chambers says in My Utmost for His Highest: “If you are not doing the task that is closest to you now, which God has engineered into your life, when the crisis comes, instead of being fit for battle, you will be revealed as being unfit. Crises always reveal a person’s true character. A private relationship of worshiping God is the greatest essential element of spiritual fitness.” I am still learning (and often failing) to live in moment-by-moment dependence on God. Are you?

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The joys and trials of marriage

16 Jan

Last night, Travis and I were talking about the mystery of two becoming one in marriage. He remarked that, when we got married, we inherited each other’s lives. He inherited my family, hobbies, and credit history and I inherited his. While it is easy to see how our families and hobbies have changed us (I would never go hunting or fishing if I hadn’t fallen in love with a man who does!), the other things are less obvious.

When I was single, I could do anything I wanted because I didn’t really have anyone to answer to. My roommates would never comment on my eating 2 or 3 bowls of cereal in a row. No one cared if I didn’t do laundry for a month at a time or spent hours pampering myself with pedicures and face masks. I could read in bed all day or watch movies all night.

With marriage, that all changed. I see my husband every day: I wake up with him, go to work with him, eat almost every meal with him, hang out with him, and go to bed with him. Granted, our situation may be a little different than some (we just moved to a new state in Sept. ’07 where we knew no one). But marriage, by and large, involves spending quite a bit of time with that one other person. 

But then, isn’t that the point of marriage? It’s also the most wonderful part about marriage. You marry the person you’re absolutely head-over-heels for because you’ll see them almost every day for the next (God willing) 50 years of your life.  More than feeling completely consumed with love for your spouse (because as any married person knows, that feeling isn’t there 24/7), marriage is about friendship. It’s about two people sharing their lives so intimately and completely that they forget what life was like without the other person. They start knowing what the other person is feeling just by looking at their face. They know instinctively what their spouse’s reaction would be in a certain situation. When I can sense that Travis is joking, despite his best efforts to put on a serious face, I realize that, little by little, we are growing in oneness.

But there are those situations that serve as a jarring reminder that, no matter how one you can become with one another, you are still two very different people. Over time, the differences seem to multiply: differences in opinions, personalities, hobbies, priorities… You can know your spouse’s opinion without even asking and you can still not agree with it. That is where the phrase “Agree to disagree” becomes useful.

At the end of the day, though, I view all the components marriage as purely rewards. There is nothing I would change about my marriage or my husband. Nothing can beat walking through life with your best friend, who is there to listen, understand and support you. The good times show me how I have been blessed by the Lord’s grace. The hard times show me how I have been blessed by the Lord’s mercy (through Jesus Christ).

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