Tag Archives: husband

Minnesota: Pine City and Minneapolis

10 Aug

If you missed the first few days of my glorious vacation in Minnesota, go back and read it.

After we left the cabin in Voyageur’s, Travis and I drove down to my parents’ cabin in Pine City (about an hour north of the Cities).

We did some tubing.

I was very nervous about falling off (since taking a nasty waterskiing spill a few years ago) so asked my dad to treat me like a 5-year-old. It ended up being a nice ride, though I did almost fall off a couple of times.

Then we took a long boat ride around Lake Pokegama (the lake my parents are on), down Snake River to Cross Lake.

The most exciting thing we saw was a heron.

It was pretty late by the time we got back from our boat ride so we ate dinner and went to bed, after watching this video several times:

The next day, we ate breakfast and went to Walmart. Later, I amused myself by taking pictures of my mom’s flowers:

Aren’t they just gorgeous? I’d love to look at that garden everyday. I took pictures of some other things too…

That’s the view of the cabin from the lake.

While I was taking pictures, Travis tried to go fishing on our neighbor’s canoe before my brother and sister-in-law arrived from Indiana but didn’t get to. He did catch a few fish off the dock, though.

Once Jeremy and Jen got there, we ate lunch and went out on the boat for some waterskiing. I was water-sported out but Jeremy and Travis went.

Charlie made another friend.

My brother, Jeremy and sis-in-law, Jen (who’s due in January!).

Katy made a friend too.

When we got back to the dock after a little swimming, we decided to try to get Charlie to swim (both her and Katy don’t like water). I sat on the tube, called her to get on it, and pushed away from the shore. Then I got off and started walking back (it was about 3.5 feet deep) and called Charlie to follow. After much hesitating, and putting one paw in the water, she jumped off the tube and swam to shore. She can swim!

Soon after that, Chris (my younger brother) and sis-in-law Meg arrived. After some hors d-oeuvres, we played an intense game of croquet.

Chris and Meg

There was much debate over the official rules of extra turns and knocking other balls out of the way.

After dinner, we had a campfire and made s’mores (though I was so stuffed from Meg’s famous carrot cupcakes that I didn’t have one). My other brother, Brian and girlfriend, Lauren arrived then and we all played Two Truths and a Lie. Good way to get to know one another a little better!

Saturday, we were all heading down to the Cities for our cousin’s wedding (Ben and Nikki). Travis and I left early to take our dogs to Brian’s house (we left them in his yard) and to have lunch with some friends. I met up with 3 of my really good girlfriends from college – it was so great catching up! I only wish I could have stayed longer and had time with each of them one on one. Travis met up with his best friend from high school too.

Then we headed to the wedding. I unfortunately didn’t take any pictures of my lunch or the wedding but the wedding was so awesome. I really enjoyed it. Their ceremony was very traditional at St. Olaf Catholic Church in Minneapolis but their reception at the W Hotel was anything but traditional. The wedding party danced for their entrance, they made people sing songs instead of clink glasses to get them to kiss, their tables were assigned by various engagement pictures they took while wearing banana costumes, and instead of signing a guest book, you were supposed to write a message on a little chalkboard and get your picture taken. (Travis and I drew a rollercoaster with the message Hold On Tight! and put our arms up like we were on a rollercoaster.) The father of the groom (my uncle) wrote a very funny, cute poem for his toast and my cousins, Josh and Tim, made a really funny slideshow for their toast. And to top it all off, they had a candy bar at the end!

We left a little earlier than we would have liked, because we were worried about our pooches. Good thing we did, too, because on the way over to Brian’s house, it started pouring. Like can’t-even-see-where-you’re-going pouring. Poor pooches! Luckily we had left the kennel there for them so they had some shelter but I was sure they were getting wet anyway with how hard it was coming down. Travis braved the pouring rain to load the kennel and the dogs up while I sat in the cab, trying to see what was going on. Katy’s harness had gotten snagged on a bush and when it started raining, she had evidently wrestled out of it to get to shelter. Shows you how hard it was raining (or how much she hates water!).

That night, we stayed at our friends Holly and Eric’s house. The next morning, bright and early, we all met up for breakfast at Keys Cafe and then Travis and I hit the road stopped at Cabela’s again. Travis had a return to make for his dad so while he did that, I filled up the truck with gas, bought some cheese curds (!), and took the dogs for a walk. Then we were really off to Colorado! Oh so far away… We arrived home at 11:30 pm, mountain time. Long, long trip that I am still recovering from.

Minnesota vacations never disappoint! (Maybe I can work for MN Tourism if I move back, huh?)

Next up: My awesome birthday presents!

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Goodbye reading goal?

23 May

This weekend was extremely productive. For some reason, I have started waking up without an alarm clock. I still set it because I’m very wary of this alertness before the crack of dawn. So after going to bed at 10:30 on Friday night (because I was absolutely exhausted), I woke up at 7:15 on Saturday. After watching the morning news, getting in the Word, eating breakfast, and waking Travis up for our bike ride in Boulder, I gave both pooches a bath and dyed my hair. (I used the new Clairol Nice ‘n’ Easy Foam color – it was very easy to use and I really liked how my hair turned out… except that it’s almost the same color it was before I dyed it.)

Then came our bike ride in Boulder – 17 miles around the Boulder Reservoir. I’m very proud of my husband for surviving it, considering he hasn’t ridden a bike in a couple of years. And I was very pleased with our time: 16.73 miles in 1:04. I’ll ride faster during the race because I was purposefully riding slower than I would have for my husband, who was riding an old mountain bike. So not only was he not in biking shape, he was riding a heavy, knobby-tired hunk of metal. Isn’t he the sweetest for coming with me?

After our bike ride, we ate lunch at Harpo’s Sports Grill (we had a gift cert), then went home where Travis mowed the lawn and I went to pick up my prescription (and a few other non-essentials) at Walmart. Travis had suggested I buy him a gun safe as an anniversary present so we went to Gander Mountain for that, and then to the liquor store for tequila so we could make frozen margaritas with our new full-size blender (Travis’ present to me). Mmmm…. margaritas.

On Sunday, I got up at 6:30 to run 5 miles, then we went to church, REI, and then the nursery to buy plants for our vegetable garden. After planting and fencing off our vegetable garden (no pooches allowed!), I went to the grocery store, finished doing laundry, and went to bed at 9:45. Whew!

One unfortunate side effect of this busyness, however, is that my reading has plummeted to being almost non-existent. In the past month and a half, I haven’t finished a single book. I’ve read maybe a grand total of 30 pages. Sad day. Part of the reason for my hiatus has been that reading mentally stimulating books when I have a thousand things going on just isn’t possible. I can’t engage with the book. Instead, I end up either reading the same paragraph over and over or reading several pages only to realize I’m completely lost. The other part of the reason is that it just isn’t a priority right now — and it’s not going to be until life slows down a bit. What happened to the days and nights on end of having nothing to do? Oh wait, they all got channeled into my time at work.

It doesn’t look like it’s going to better any time soon either. This coming weekend, we’re camping and while I might be able to fit some reading time in while Travis is fishing, it will be minimal. The weekend after that is my first sprint triathlon, the Boulder Sunrise; the weekend after that is the Greeley Sprint Triathlon; the weekend after that, we’re going to visit friends down in Divide, CO; and the weekend after that, we might have a barbeque at our house. There is some downtime in there and I am for sure going to need some rest after doing back-to-back triathlons – but it’ll probably come mostly in the form of naps. I am really looking forward to a weekend with nothing we *have* to do (if it ever comes…) so that I can sit down with a book and relax.

I do feel God’s blessing in the midst of this busy season, though. Having learned that I am only called to be faithful in doing what God has assigned to me for the day and leaving the rest to Him has given me unexpected energy when I feel like I should be dead tired, overwhelmed, and mopey. Instead, I have excitement, enjoyment, and hope. In fact, I actually enjoyed digging in the dirt yesterday to plant our garden. I am very excited to see the plants grow and produce fruit (I’ll post pics and more info later). It makes me feel like I’m really taking advantage of God’s bounty and joy in creation. Plus, I love fruits and vegetables!

All that say, whereas I had been contemplating the goal of reading 50 books in a year (the past several years, I’ve only averaged 25 or so), that goal may have to be sacrificed for some peace and sanity. Goals are just a means of achieving what you really desire and value. They are not ultimate. God, and the joy found in Christ, are.

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Our 4-year Anniversary

19 May

Today is our 4-year wedding anniversary. Every year, it seems hard to believe that we’ve been married for as long as we have. Time goes by so fast! And every year, I am once again amazed at God’s grace. He alone is the reason why our marriage is a blessing, why we still are in love with each other, and why we have weathered all the trials and storms of life intact and together.

They say that a good marriage isn’t about marrying the right person; it’s about being the right person. I have seen the truth of that so much over the past year. Just looking back on who I was a year ago, and what tenderness God has amazingly developed in my heart since then, I am struck by what a difference there is. In that year, I have realized how much my actions and words influence Travis. My being angry about something, even when not directed at Travis, makes him angry and is the beginning of a vicious cycle. When I don’t voice my emotions by telling Travis I love him and miss him, he is hurt. If I try to encourage Travis to look to God for hope and meaning but say it in a scolding tone, he gets discouraged.

On the positive side, I have learned to praise and thank Travis for all of the wonderful things he does to serve me. I have learned to appreciate the little things – how he mows our lawn, fixes our cars, cleans out our gutters. I have developed an admiration for his work ethic (instead of being annoyed at helping him with house projects), grown to be thankful for his hunting habits and truck purchase (they’ve come in handy), and been amazed at his thoughtfulness (getting up early with the dogs on a Saturday so that I can sleep in).

God has certainly done a work in my heart and head regarding marriage, and though I definitely still have a LONG way to go, I feel so incredibly blessed by the work God has done in my life. Not only that, but I’m extremely blessed by my wonderful husband. He has watched what feels like hundreds of Bones episodes with me (after House, The Office and Desperate Housewives), supported my expensive triathlon hobby, and allowed me to get two great dogs (both of which he had been determined to not get… but who can resist puppy dog eyes?). Even though he disagreed, he supported my decisions when I wanted to write my book instead of get a job, when I made sacrifices above and beyond the call of duty for my job last year, and when I decided to chop my hair off in January (though he ended up liking my haircut).

I have learned that marriage is about growing with the other person. It’s about learning to readjust your expectations, priorities, and desires to embrace what the other person values. I don’t like house projects and would almost never choose to do them out of my own free will. My husband, on the other hand, loves house projects and seemingly can’t get enough of them. On more than one occasion in the past year, I have actually volunteered my services to him, which he has eagerly taken me up on. Not only am I supporting Travis in his endeavors, I’m also taking a vested interest in the condition and quality of our home and yard. There is a certain satisfaction inherent in hard work.

I have also learned that a loving spouse encourages their counterpart pursue their passions, vision, and interests. So often, I hear about men whose wives “won’t let them” do certain things, or who are uptight and mistrusting about their husbands going out with friends, or buying a certain thing, or doing something without them. That is one thing God has abundantly blessed us with in our marriage — trust. While we don’t give one another the green light for everything without exception (godly accountability is necessary!), our decisions are always based on mutual trust. Our goal in all decisions is to give the benefit of the doubt. It’s easier said than done, and we often jump to judgments before we realize we’ve done so, but that’s what we’re working toward.

Lastly, I have decided that there is no formula for marriage. What works and is good for one couple may not work for another couple. While it is helpful to hear advice and suggestions from older, more experienced couples, you can’t turn those into the exact picture of what your marriage should be like. I think that as long as both people are satisfied and happy with the way things are, there’s no reason to change them, even if they aren’t what other people do (one qualifier: I’m talking about amoral things — immoral things are a different story). For example, Travis and I will often eat dinner in front of the TV. Much of the time we spend together in the evening is spent watching TV. If we’re both satisfied, does that behavior really merit changing? I don’t think so. I will admit, however, that I have asked Travis that we have one night a week where we do something that involves talking instead of watching TV. The biggest hindrance to us doing other things, I think, is that we get into a rut of working and then relaxing. Watching TV takes no effort and is something we can do together. Ergo, our addiction.

I realize that having only 4 years of marriage under my belt still qualifies me as a newlywed in many eyes but the wiser, older married couples only got wiser and older through the passing years, learning lesson by lesson, trial by trial, error by error. We can’t learn how to do the thing called marriage without actually doing it. It’s the ultimate hands-on experience.

Praise God for His grace!

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Priorities

2 Mar

Like I posted a week or so ago, I created a schedule to organize my free time. Days upon days of having nothing that I have to do are piling up and I want to put them to good use, as well as make sure that I’m not neglecting anything that I should be doing (like editing the curriculum I volunteered for) in order to the things that I’d rather be doing (like reading and working on my book). The interviews I had on Friday and Monday kind of messed up my schedule but I’m slowly getting back on track.

[Side note: Both interviews went fairly well but I heard back from the one on Friday already – they went with someone else. The company I interviewed with on Monday is doing more interviews this week and next week and then are going to call people back in for 2nd interviews. So while I wait, I’m going to get back into the unemployed groove.]

While my free time schedule addresses the big things related to my career goals, it doesn’t address everyday things, like exercise, food, time with the hubby, etc. I have more things that I want to get done in a day than I can possibly do. After I found out about my rejection on Monday, I took Katy on a walk and was telling God that I wasn’t as excited about writing as I had been before the interviews because I felt slightly overwhelmed with all the ambitions I had. Getting a job would have given me an excuse to not achieve those ambitions – at least, not any time soon. Now that at least one job was out of the picture, all those ambitions came screaming back and I felt like I had to scramble into productivity or else something bad would happen.

Then I remembered something that Gary and Betsy Ricucci, the couple who presented the marriage conference at our church, said. Betsy seemed to be a lot like me, with her to-do lists and efficiency mode. She also seemed to me like me in that her ambitions often overwhelmed her. Whenever she got frazzled, Gary would ask her, “Betsy, do you really believe that God has given you more to do than you can handle?” Of course, the answer was no.

As I asked myself that question, and discovered with a joyful heart that indeed the answer was no, I was overwhelmed with God’s goodness. He doesn’t expect more from me than He knows I can give. He is utterly realistic about what I am capable of. And He will accomplish His purposes even with my meager efforts. For the rest of our walk, I felt like I was walking on air.

So how do I decide what to do everyday? Part of it is taking each day one task at a time. If there’s something I know needs to be done, and I’m at a good spot to do it, I do it then and don’t worry about what will come next until I have to. Then I take enough time between tasks to ask both God and myself, what is the next most important task or thing to do? Sometimes it’s just reading a book. Other times, it’s finishing that project I’ve been putting off for weeks.

But the main way I decide what I should do with my time is my priorities. I start with the most important and go on down the line, so if some things don’t get done in a day, they weren’t the most important ones anyway. So here are my priorities:

1. God.

The first thing I do every morning is spend time with God through reading the Bible and praying. God is my greatest good and He deserves to get my first attention every day. My desire to know God more also influences my other priorities, in that they are bound up in pleasing and obeying God, as well as wanting my time to be well spent.

2. Husband.

Over the past couple of weeks, God has really convicted me of my role as a wife – not only in the context of submission, but also in serving my husband. This priority has many implications. I make an intentional effort to provide Travis with lunches and have dinner ready when he gets home (or at least be ready to start it). I also am making exercise and eating right a priority because I see how the way I feel about myself physically affects how much I want to be close to Travis – and since physical touch is his main love language, I am loving Travis by taking care of myself. Additionally, I keep up on laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, dishes, and different errands for Travis.

3. Fellowship.

God has also convicted me that relationships with other believers aren’t just nice – they’re necessary. So I try to be intentional about getting together for coffee with a couple ladies every week, to talk about God and encourage one another. I also make it of utmost priority to attend our weekly care group and women’s meetings, as well as my women’s book study once a month.

4. Friendships.

Travis and I are trying to be more intentional with inviting our friends (believing and unbelieving) as well as people we would like to get to know out to dinner, either at our house or out. We are getting better at this but still have a lot of improvement we can make.

5. Writing.

I feel like this time in my life, sans job, is a very unique opportunity I have to pursue my dream of being a writer. So I’m taking it seriously and may need to cull some lower priorities in order to devote more time to this than I currently am. This also involves blogging, because the book project is very long, and not so much writing down my current thoughts as sifting through old ones.

6. Jobs.

Even though the unemployment office probably will never check how many jobs I apply for because they’re so backed up, I want to be honest about how many jobs I apply for. So I am trying to keep up with the quota of 5 a week – although that is definitely easier said than done, mostly because there aren’t that many jobs out there in a particular field.

7. Editing curriculum.

I’m not totally convinced that I want to continue with this volunteer opportunity. But I am committed to what I have right now, so I do need to keep working on it.

8. Everything else.

There are definitely times and places for fun – like going to a used bookstore (which Travis and I did last weekend), shopping at an antique mall or thrift store, going hiking, watching TV, painting my nails, doing crafts and other projects, etc. The best approach to these is do them with someone else, so that I’m growing my friendships while also doing things I enjoy. 😉

So there you have it folks – what my life looks like right now.

 

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Being a Thoughtful Valentine

14 Feb

One of the things that I took away from the marriage conference Travis and I attended at our church back in January was that as a loving wife, I should desire to do more thoughtful things for my husband. So I’ve aimed to view this Valentine’s Day (and every other holiday, whether cheesy or not) through that lens.

One thing that has always hindered me from doing romantic, thoughtful things every year is the feeling that “Well, I can’t top that…so I might as well not try!” For example, last year on Valentine’s Day, I took Travis snowshoeing up in the mountains, then we went to a natural spa in Glenwood Springs, and then I made a delicious dinner at home (though the dinner ended up being the day after Valentine’s Day because we got home so late from the mountains). The raspberry-chocolate angel food cake I made for dessert last year was one of the best desserts I ever made. It was quite a bit of work, but oh so worth it. You can find it here. Needless to say, after a Valentine’s like that, I felt like I had my work cut out for me.

The same goes for Travis’ birthdays. Two years ago, I surprised Travis with Avs tickets (and they were playing the Wild!) and a birthday party with our friends downtown Denver. This past year, I was at a loss. What do I do now? I’m running out of good ideas! And frankly, I’m out of energy. I kept asking Travis what he wanted to do for his birthday but he doesn’t make a big deal out of them (the opposite of me!) so he just hemmed and hawed, “I don’t know…” We tried to go bowling but the lanes weren’t open for free bowling until 10:30 pm on a work night. So I made him an angel food cake and we went out to dinner but that was about it.

The marriage conference helped me realize that I don’t need to continue “topping” the past year’s holidays/birthdays. I would probably run out of ideas and I would definitely run out of money. Rather, what matters is being thoughtful and doing things (whether for them or with them) the other person would enjoy. So that’s why this Valentine’s Day I created a crossword puzzle (one of our favorite past times) using words and clues that relate to our relationship. I think Travis will enjoy it. I am also going to make a delicious dinner of butternut sage lasagna, steamed green beans, red potatoes with rosemary and thyme, crescent rolls, champagne, and chocolate cherry pie for dessert. Mmmm… I can’t wait!

Hope you have a very enjoyable Valentine’s Day as well!

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Where’s the line?

30 Nov

This past weekend when we were with Travis’ family, he made some comments about me that I didn’t appreciate (nor did I think they were true). Since we drove back, I took the liberty of bringing the biggest suitcase we own – all of my big cozy sweaters take up a lot of room! And since I can’t wear them in Denver (it’s never cold enough), I figured that I might as well bring them back to Minnesota where it was cold enough.

Well, apparently this just proved to Travis something he had suspected all along – I am your typical woman packer. You’ve seen her at the airport. 5 suitcases and a tote bag that all match. She has to put them on the dolly because there are too many to carry. You wonder as she walks by “Why on earth does she need that much luggage? I hope she’s moving somewhere for several years.”

Ok, I can guarantee that I’m not that bad. I am actually able to carry on my suitcase for 99% of the flights we go on now (Mexico in January will be an exception). I leave my beauty products at home when they are bigger than 3 oz. I plan on wearing the same pair of pants more than once (gasp!). I bring one pair of shoes that will go with everything I packed (and usually try to keep all my clothes to either a goes-with-brown or a goes-with-black palette). I’m being creative so that I can carry on and please Travis. Do I not deserve some credit here?

[For the record, Travis does acknowledge and appreciate my efforts to carry on my luggage for flights. The comments he makes are playful in nature.]

Another comment that Travis made was when he was going through some clothes that no longer fit his younger (by 10 years!) brother, that his mom thought would fit Travis. “I need some more work shirts,” he said, “because Kathy keeps throwing mine away.” Now, that comment would probably irritate me even if it were true, but the thing is, it’s NOT! I have not thrown away even ONE of Travis’ work shirts and honestly, I have no idea where that comment even came from. Whatever, DEAR.

This blog is not a husband rant. Rather, these funny situations have highlighted a few things for me. One, I continue to struggle with the idea of being misunderstood. These comments that Travis makes are, from his perspective, all in good fun and aren’t intended to be criticizing, mean or derogatory. But I struggle with taking them in stride. Not because I think Travis really thinks that I’m materialistic or am on a warpath against his work shirts but because they are contradictory to who I think I am.

You see, I can’t handle being labeled materialistic. Mostly because I believe that I am not materialistic. Or at least I’m trying hard enough to not be materialistic that I think I’ve earned getting rid of that label. Ok, so maybe in contrast to Travis, I am slightly materialistic. But he drools over tools the same way I drool over new sweaters. Just saying…

Nonetheless, I have identified myself as “not materialistic.” I have also identified myself as supporting my husband’s ruggedness, which means dirty work shirts, tattered jeans, and shoes with holes in them. I just won’t support him in public. 😉

So Travis’ comments bother me because I feel like I’m being misunderstood. That’s not how I really am! I have to prove to you that I’m not like that! But that is not the way of Christ – He allowed people to form wrong impressions of Him. He knew who He was and didn’t need other people to understand Him.

His comments have also shown me another instance of where there is a fine line between an action being in faith and an action being a sin. Travis isn’t the only person who makes comments like that. I know someone else who likes to point out idiosyncrasies and quirky behaviors in front of other people… me.

I’ve been known to rib Travis about his attire selections or preferences. Or about something stupid he did. Or his hair. Or his hobo socks. Any of his quirks have been fair game.

But there is a line. I have to say that sometimes I make jokes at Travis’ expense because I’m actually a little bit mad or annoyed at him. Or I secretly hope that somehow, my comment will get him to change. Or I need other people to understand that I did NOT let my husband out of the house dressed that way. In short, those jokes often come out of lack of respect for Travis – and that is unacceptable.

I’ve often felt like my jokes go over the line – and I’ve asked Travis if it bothers him. He has repeatedly said no, that he actually thinks they’re kind of funny. But they just don’t sit right with me. And when I brought up my struggle with the comments that Travis made this past weekend about me, he seemed surprised that they bothered me so much (especially since I make those kind of jokes about him right back).

Which shows me that while I do believe Travis can make those jokes in faith (he is a chronic jokester, after all), I cannot. I want our marriage to faithfully represent the love of Christ for His church and am not sure that my witty comments about Trav’s mullet haircut serve that purpose. If Travis thinks joking about my need to match my shoes to my shirt can represent that love, more power to him (and more grace to me!). But, as with a lot of things in the Christian life, there’s a line between good, clean fun and sin masquerading as a joke.

So where is that line? What is ok to joke about, and what isn’t? How much time should you spend doing things for other people, and how much time should you spend on yourself? What about money – how much should you keep and how much should you give away? How much time should you spend at your job? How much time should you spend getting ready in the morning? What size of house should you have? How new of a car?

All of these are amoral things in and of themselves – and no matter how much I read and study, I cannot find any concrete criteria to answer these questions.

That’s because there is none. If the Christian life had rules, it would cease to be based in freedom. If God didn’t give us choices, we couldn’t choose to love Him over worldly things. The line between freedom and sin is a thin one, one wrought by the Spirit in our hearts. Sin is indicated by the Spirit’s conviction in our hearts. Freedom is characterized by joy. I keep looking for the line, asking God to just tell me already what He wants from me.

God is telling me what He wants. The absence of a concrete line is God’s way of telling me that He wants a relationship with me, instead of me just obeying a bunch of rules. Since there is no determined criteria, I have to stay in tune with the Spirit through an intimate relationship with God and let my heart and convictions indicate to me where the line is for me.

So, to stay on the freedom side of the line, I am going to respond to the Spirit’s conviction and try to stop poking fun at Travis in front of other people. I want to respect him and support him, no matter how ridiculous or silly I think he is! Like I mentioned in a recent blog post, I am also going to stop shopping for myself, since the Spirit has convicted me that I have an inordinate amount of clothing. I am also praying for the grace to respond to other convictions given by the Spirit.

Here’s to walking the line!

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Loving God, Hating Money

21 Sep

I hate money.

I hate earning it, I hate saving it, I hate talking about it, I hate worrying about it.

I guess I do like to spend it.

But that’s not the point.

Travis and I just got into a fight over money. Even though this is supposedly the thing that married couples fight over the most often, Travis and I rarely fight over money. Mostly because I would rather just not think about it. Ignorance is bliss, if you ask me. It works out well for us because Travis is good with money. I am not. I was the girl who overdrafted frequently because I avoided balancing my checkbook like the plague – not because I can’t do math but because even just that simple act caused me anxiety.

So when Travis wants to buy a new gun or fishing gear or a tool, all I ask is if we can afford it. If he says yes, then I say go for it. When I want to go shopping for a new shirt or running apparel, I ask Travis if I can and if so, how much I can spend. When Travis thinks we should refinance our mortgage or open up Roth IRAs, I say “Great! Where do I sign?” This process works for us.

But my new job has caused unexpected animosity between us in regards to money. First, it was because I accepted the job despite the fact I would be getting paid less than what was initially promised. Since I don’t really care about money, I didn’t think it was a big deal. Travis disagreed.

Then, it was because I needed to get a new desk, wanted to redo the office, and had to buy office supplies – out of my own pocket. Reluctantly, Travis gave me a budget and I stayed within it (for the first time ever!)

We’ve fought over me needing a new printer and a shelf in the garage, me driving our own car up to Boulder instead of the company car, me getting paid a pathetic $15 per diem for when I’m traveling.

Tonight, the fight was about me going over our minutes on our cell phone plan (out of our 1,400 shared minutes, Travis used 130 and I used the rest, plus an additional $75 worth) and my working from home necessitating us having internet (since both of us have smart phones, we don’t really need internet at home). Both of these are things that my company should be pay for because they are things I need to do my job. But they don’t. I have asked them about getting more money for my phone (I currently get $30/month) but they refused, saying it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.

Travis’ reaction to all this is frustration at the owners of the company I work for. He feels (rightfully so) that they should be paying for this stuff and since they refuse, he gets angry. And when he’s riled up enough, he comes to me and tells me things need to change.

My reaction? Anger, right back. “What are my options?” I scream/ask. “I need these things to do my job. If they refuse to pay for these things, I have two options: I can put up with it or I can quit. Do you want me to quit?”

If you’ve followed my blog for any of the past few weeks, you know that this is not the first time or reason why I have contemplated quitting my job. And when my job causes this kind of friction and frustration between me and Travis, I can’t help but think “WHY do I have this job again?”

When Travis is upset about money in regards to my job, I can’t help but feel like the bad guy because if it weren’t for me, the one with the job, we wouldn’t be having these problems. And that makes me hate money even more – when I should really be hating Satan because I know these fights are exactly what he wants. Satan wants this to drive us apart. Satan wants this to take our eyes off God and wonder why He allows this kind of injustice to happen to us. Satan wants me to doubt God’s leading me into this job and wonder if maybe I made a mistake leaving Dare 2 Share and should look for a new job. Most of all, Satan wants to destroy our faith.

There are practical steps to be taken with this situation – I have already emailed my boss D about getting the company Vonage phone for my use, since she doesn’t use it and I really could. I downloaded an app to my phone that will allow me to tether it to my computer, turning my phone into its own hot spot, in the hopes that we will be able to cancel our internet service and save that $40 a month.

But the biggest step to take is faith. It’s running to the Father in prayer, asking for His wisdom to guide us, for His provision in our lives, and for His mighty hand to work this situation out for our good, as trite as it may seem in contrast to the big picture. So I will run, I will ask, and I will rest.

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It’s all about me, right?

12 Sep

You know how when God opens your eyes to a spiritual truth that you see evidence proving it everywhere you look? Things that you once glanced over indifferently you know see as a treasure justifying what you have been learning from God.

Well, that thing right now for me is my selfishness. It’s like the blinders have been removed my eyes and I can finally see how utterly, completely, totally selfish I am. My self-centeredness seeps into every corner, every interaction, every detail, every thought, every attitude, every choice. When I find I’ve lost my peace, I just have to ask “What am I wanting now that I ‘m not getting?” and I have the source of my angst.

And all I have to say to this selfishness is:

WOW.

It’s scary. Horrible. Nasty. Ugly. Revolting. Diabolical. Evil. Heinous. Vengeful. Angry. Bitter.

In the sermon at church today, the pastor was preaching on Phil 4:11-13 where Paul talks about his secret to contentment. The pastor said that the reason why we become discontent is because we think “I don’t have what I deserve.” And that is exactly the reason why I am so self-centered.

I’m not getting what I want, what I think I deserve. I deserve peace and quiet, time to do what I want. I deserve to park my car in the garage and not on the street. I deserve to go to bed early and not be disturbed when Travis comes to bed. I deserve to read without being interrupted. I deserve to watch the program I want to watch on TV. I deserve to pick the movie. I deserve. I deserve. I deserve.

WOW.

What amazes me most about my selfishness is that I was mostly unaware of it until Travis called me out on it. And while my immediate reaction to his rebuke was “I don’t care if my words hurt you – you’re just being a big baby,” God’s grace to me in that moment allowed me to not only keep my mouth from saying that, but also to step back and look at my behavior. What I saw made me want to run and hide. It made me want to sit in the corner and cry. It made me want to throw my arms up in defeat. But again, God’s grace gave me the strength to apologize to Travis and humble myself.

My selfishness continues to rear its ugly head around every bend but now I can see it for what it is. I can see that it’s me trying to live out my own agenda, trying to get what I think I deserve, and mowing down anyone who gets in my way. And I can repent from that natural tendency and choose to live for God’s will and not my own. I can choose obedience over desire.

Just this afternoon, Travis asked me to help vacuum-seal his antelope meat. I REALLY did not want to help (after all, he’s the one who wanted to go hunting, right? Let him do all the work!) but God has called me to serve my husband. So I am helping. Perhaps not with the world’s best attitude but I’m a work in progress, what can I say?

While it’s hard to be confronted with one’s sinfulness and utter depravity, it is also a huge blessing. God disciplines those He loves – He doesn’t abandon us to our own devices and allow us to live out every whim. He intervenes, convicts, and transforms. I’m so thankful He does!! Only God knows what I’d be if He didn’t.

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My wonderful husband

20 Aug

Marriage is like life. There are times when everything is falling apart around you and you feel like you can’t take even just one more step or your entire life might implode. Then there are times when everything is going right. You feel at peace with the world, you enjoy little things that you usually don’t notice, and you feel like your life is better than you deserve.

Right now, I’m in one of those happy times with Travis. Marriage hasn’t always been coming-up-roses. There have been hard times when I wondered WHY is marriage so HARD? There have been times when I really couldn’t handle being in the same room as the man I married. There have been countless times when I have broken down in a fit of sobs because I so fail to be the wife I want to be.

And while I still have not attained to being the wife I want to be, I have to praise the Lord for what our marriage is. Travis has been so amazing to me in the past couple of months that I am just in awe of the man I married. He cooks me dinner when I get home utterly exhausted from a long work trip. He buys me flowers just because he knows I like them. He cleans the house and does laundry when I don’t have the time. He tells me he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife (even if I don’t *quite* believe that last part). He supports my interests and hobbies. He doesn’t get mad when I cook tofu for dinner instead of steak.

In short, he is just absolutely incredible.

When Travis and I first started dating, I remember feeling amazed at who Travis was. How he treated me with respect and love, how he went out of his way to make me feel special, how his character remained solid even in the face of temptation and badgering. I felt so blessed by God because Travis truly was everything I had wanted in a man – so much so that I really hadn’t thought a man like Travis even existed. But he did.

But despite it being Travis doing all the sweet, thoughtful things for me, I know that our marriage is God’s work. It is God who has been our hope during the hard times, softened our hearts when we wanted so much to be spiteful, kept our commitment to one another firm when it seemed like we were so at odds, given us love for one another when our hearts felt dry and barren. God has given us so much and I can honestly say that I don’t know how couples make it in marriage without God. And not just believing that God exists but calling upon His strength and wellsprings of love day after day, week after week.

Because of God’s grace, I am committed to Travis until death do us part. I am committed to supporting and loving him, to encouraging and respecting him, for our entire lives together. But when I feel so in love with Travis like I do now, when his smile gives me butterflies, his touch comforts me, and his thoughtfulness melts my heart, I feel God pouring so much of His grace into my lap that it is overflowing and covering the floor. I feel God’s work in my life, creating these emotions that my stone-hearted person of flesh doesn’t have naturally. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve Travis. I don’t deserve redemption or eternal life. But that’s the kind of God we have – the kind who gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything back. The kind who gives the most at the times when we are the least deserving.

Before Travis and I were engaged, I struggled a lot with believing that God could bless me through a man. My only experience with guys had been heartbreak and disappointment. But God has proven over and over that He can indeed bless me through whatever means He wants – and I praise Him that He has chosen one of those ways to be my husband.

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How dreams create desire

27 May

Two nights ago, I had a dream about babies. A friend of mine (who is now 44) had a baby – it was a weird dream. That’s not the point. The point is that I woke up really wanting to have kids. And the more I thought about it, the more I realize that I do want kids. Like, now.

I’ve tried to convince myself that I enjoy just being married, I enjoy having this freedom without kids. And while that is true, I am starting to think that I might rather have kids than my freedom.

I still think kids are at least a year and a half down the road – Travis and I both agree that it would be good for him to be done with grad school before having kids. But why not have kids right after he’s done?

We’ll see what he thinks about that.

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