Tag Archives: Jesus

Celebrating Christmas in Faith

5 Dec

I had a visit from the local Jehovah’s Witnesses yesterday. They were bringing around the new issue of the magazine their religious organization publishes and this one was on The Truth About Christmas. While some of their beliefs are so ridiculous that they’re actually funny, I do think that as a Christian who claims to believe the truth, I shouldn’t be opposed to reading about and understanding other religions. My experience thus far is that salvation by faith alone in grace alone continues to win (and I believe it will continue to do so).

But nevertheless, I listened to the Witnesses’ spiel about Christmas and how it should not be celebrated by Christians. They said Christ commands us to celebrate His death, not His birth. Which I have to agree that Christ did indeed command us to celebrate His death (through communion) but where I disagree is that Christ commanded us to not celebrate His birth. It isn’t in the Bible.

The next reason why they said we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas is because the magi were actually astrologers and that was a profession detestable to God. Moreover, the star of Bethlehem was actually a “sinister device of Satan” because it was used 1) to lead the wise men to Herod 2) to lead them to Christ and 3) instead of angels like God did for the shepherds. So the wise men were pawns in Satan’s grand scheme to  kill Jesus and they… were unsuccessful. I’m confused… why is that a reason we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas? And even if all that is true, why then did the magi travel 800-900 miles to see Jesus, only to worship Him and bring Him expensive gifts? The logic here is falling short, I think.

The final reason why they said we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas is because it is usually accompanied by overeating, imbibing, partying, dancing and not just giving gifts but exchanging gifts. Now, I have to agree somewhat with this statement. I do think that our secular culture does indeed take this time of year as an excuse for an endless number of holiday parties, resulting in many a person getting sloshed and stuffed. The culture also uses this time of year to keep the American marketplace in the black (Black Friday is no secret) and gift giving has become more of a “must” instead of a suggestion or option. I will give them that.

But I don’t agree that Christmas has to be celebrated that way. In fact, when Travis and I have kids, I am going to be very careful about teaching our kids the real meaning of Christmas, making sure they understand the privilege of receiving presents (and those in appropriate amounts), and not deceiving them by saying there’s a Santa. But even now when we don’t have kids, I feel that I keep the real meaning of Christmas in mind and that it’s not just about tinsel, cookies, and holiday lights (though those are great accompaniments), but it’s about Christ becoming flesh and dwelling among us – an AMAZING TRUTH!!

As a Christian who wants to live a life glorifying to God, I don’t want to just dismiss these statements by the Jehovah’s Witnesses as stupid and legalistic. If that is really what the Bible says, then I have to accept that and repent. But after study, I believe that the Bible doesn’t say anything about not celebrating Christmas (though its roots are a pagan holiday). In fact, I feel there are many verses that say it’s up to the individual and their personal convictions from the Spirit (1 Corinthians 10:23-31; Galatians 5:1; Colossians 2:16-23; 1 Timothy 4:1-5). For some Christians, it may be wrong to celebrate Christmas. They might not be able to do it in faith (“in faith” meaning they believe it is pleasing to God and have no doubts) and if they can’t, they shouldn’t. But for those of us who are focusing on the real meaning and cause of celebration of Christmas, and are doing so in faith, Christmas is a wonderful time of year that should (and can) be received with thanksgiving.

I, personally, am very thankful for this time of year and believe that celebrating Christ’s entrance into the world (and being humbled by the fact that GOD became MAN) is very pleasing to God.

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At the foot of the Cross

12 Oct

The past few days have been hard. I’ve been frustrated with/depressed about my job again and let it throw a gloomy cloud over everything. It becomes all I can think about and I just dwell in that place, wondering why I struggle so much with things other people seem to be fine with and how God and the gospel just don’t seem to be revelant in my situation.

Praise the Lord that He never lets me stay in that place! I re-read We Would See Jesus last night and this morning – took me about 6 hours. What an amazing book – definitely one of the best books ever written! It was exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. When I had felt stressed out about my job, and in turn life in general, I knew I wasn’t trusting God. I knew that my distrust was sin. But instead of just confessing it at the Cross and resting there in Jesus’ perfect atonement, I skipped ahead to trying to trust God and His plan for my life. The Hessions say it perfectly:

“A mere attempt to trust Him more completely and to rest in Him, without an acknowledgment of the sin there is, never brings victory, His victory. He is only the Vine to me as I repent of trying to be the vine myself. It is only as I repent of my unlove that I have His love; only as I confess my worry and lack of peace that I have His peace; only as I confess my impatience that I have His long-suffering; only as I confess my resentment that I have His meekness, and so on.”

Earlier, they wrote, “So it is that victory ever comes by repentance — coupled with a simple trusting Him to be to us what He promises.”

Repentance. That’s what I have been missing. I have known that I was a sinner, void of anything good in myself, and incapable of living the Christian life on my own. But I never came to the foot of the Cross and said that. Instead, that acknowledgment turned me to striving. When I felt anxious, I knew that I was sinning by not trusting in God but instead of confessing my sin, I just tried to trust God. I even prayed about it, a lot! But I constantly felt defeated. And no wonder why – I was trying to be the vine, to produce trust in God by myself.

“This, then, is the reason for our failure, too. It is simply that we have been trying to be the vine; we have been trying to find a holiness and a love for others in ourselves and from ourselves which Scripture never encourages us to expect to find there… God no longer expects us to be the vine. We need not even try. The responsibility for producing fruit is no longer ours. God has His own true Vine, the risen Lord Jesus, who is well able to produce all the fruit that God requires for others, and to fulfill all the purposes of His grace for men… We do not produce the fruit, but simply bear what He produces, as we permit Him to live in us.”

It is amazing to know that in response to my sin, all I have to do is bring it to the foot of the Cross, where Christ has paid for it once for all, and to rest there – in full acknowledgment of my failure, need, and insufficiency. And I don’t have to leave the foot of the Cross. I don’t have to go out and try better. I don’t have to draw strength from Christ to set out on my own until I fail again. I can stay there. I can rest there, knowing the reality of my condition but trusting the completion of Christ’s work on the cross. What’s more, that’s exactly where Christ works in me to produce all the things I lack.

I had been feeling hopeless and depressed. I had believed the lie that life would never get better, I would always feel this way, and I was beyond help, even God’s. But coming to the foot of the Cross, I find hope again and all the lies I had believed are destroyed – and while I still am the wretched, pathetic soul I ever was, I don’t have to grieve that fact eternally.

Because I have a Savior.

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Rescued

10 Sep

I drove up to Boulder today, a nice little 30-minute jaunt from my house. I usually use that kind of prolonged time in the car to think out loud about issues I’m dealing with (which also helps me to not fall asleep).

Today, I was thinking about something the pastor said in the sermon on Ecclesiastes I was listening to this morning during my run. He said that God wants us to have pleasure – He wired us that way. Since I attended John Piper’s church for over 2 years, I had heard this before. But I heard it with fresh ears today because I realized – I don’t believe that.

For a while now, I’ve been questioning the point of doing stuff that I would consider “fluff” – things that are done purely because they are fun and enjoyable. Work, hygiene, chores, bills – these are not fluff because they must be done. Going to the movies, painting your nails, shopping, cooking new dishes, making crafts – these are fluff. They are done purely for enjoyment. I have not been able to enjoy these things like I used to because I have felt like Solomon – all is vanity, a chasing after the wind. At the end of the day, what do I have to show for these things? Nothing of significance.

And that’s just my problem. I had been questioning the value and merit of anything that didn’t contribute directly to the bottom line of Christianity (knowing God and making Him known). Praying, worship, reading the Bible, evangelizing, volunteering, serving the needy, working, maintaining a household – these are things that have either a tangible outcome or a direct impact on our eternity with God. But gardening? Running? Decorating? Shopping? Haircoloring? Trips to the zoo? Things like these are done for pleasure. What is the point of them?

Then I asked myself, why do I feel like I can’t engage in things that don’t contribute to the “bottom line”? I didn’t use to feel this way about everyday things so what changed? Guilt. I feel guilty when I do those things because I feel like I’m wasting time. And I feel like I’m wasting time with tedious, trivial little crap because I should be out there doing better, more productive things with my life. I should be doing more.

And there it is. The elephant in the corner. “I should be doing more.” I’m reading the book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World right now and I tell you, the book couldn’t be more relevant to where I am in life right now. I just read this section:

“…While there are many things that need to be done, things I’m capable of doing and want to do, I am not always the one to do them. Even if I have a burden for a certain need or project, my interest or concern is not a surefire sign that I need to be in charge… Service was never supposed to be our first priority. Work is not our first order of business – even working for the Lord. In fact, our own efforts are so far down the line when it comes to what God wants that they didn’t even register in Jesus’ conversation with Martha… Only one thing is needed – intimacy with God.”

I have been so focused on doing more for God that I have taken my eyes off Him. I have focused more on my own contribution to His kingdom than on the price He paid on my behalf. And the ironic part is that the more I focus on being externally selfless by donating my time and money, the less I see how I selfish I really am on the inside. I was just confronted yesterday with a list of all the self-centered things I have done in the past 4-5 days. It was a reality check. I have been living in Kathy’s World. Everything is about me. And dwelling on my problems and cares just magnifies my already natural, sinful tendency of making everything all about me. I have been so busy thinking about me that I didn’t even realize I was only thinking about me. Imagine.

So to bring this full circle, I see that my cynicism about life has come from an incorrect belief that the only thing that matters and is worthy of my time is service to God and things that contribute to the bottom line of my Christian walk, like prayer and time in the Word. That incorrect belief stems from a feeling of guilt caused by the notion that I should be doing more with my life because surely (I thought) that is what God expects and desires.

But I have left out the idea of God wanting me to experience pleasure, to have fellowship with Himself and to become more like Christ on the inside. God wants me to know Him, to enjoy Him, to enjoy life. Living a selfless life grows out of a deep, intimate relationship with the Father – it doesn’t come from some divine ability to be the Incredible Christian Superwoman. Instead of trying to live an externally selfless life filled with service, I should focus on becoming less selfish on the inside through spending time with Jesus.

As for those things that I consider “fluff,” God created me and everyone else to have certain interests and hobbies – which are good things! He does not expect to sacrifice all things we enjoy for the sake of serving His kingdom. God is not all work and no play! He created these things for us to enjoy them (1 Timothy 4:4-5). It is good that God gave me a passion for endurance sports and reading and an interest in cooking, health and nutrition, and wine. I can enjoy these things by thanking God for them, by seeking to know God more through them, and by using them in a way that glorifies and magnifies who God is.

God has also given us all unique personalities and dispositions. He created me with a need for downtime and relaxation in order to maintain my sanity. I cannot go, go, go. And because of that, I know that I cannot take on any more than I already have on my plate because the only result would be me having a nervous breakdown. And that doesn’t serve anyone.

So instead of focusing on everything I’m not doing (and feeling incredibly guilty), I see that I need to focus on being faithful and the best I personally can be with the roles that God has called me to fill at this stage in my life (in order of importance): 1) a follower of Christ, 2) a wife, 3) an employee, 4) a church member, 5) a friend, 6) a volunteer. I don’t want to overlook how I interact with and serve the most important people in my life just because I’m too concerned with how I’m not serving the poor and needy, not throwing perfect dinner parties, not wearing the latest fashions (or even always changing out of my pajamas), not the thinnest or the prettiest, not a fast runner, not successful, or any of the other things I obsess about in the course of a day.

This has gotten to be a long blog post but I can’t say how much this revelation has literally changed my life. I have been stuck in a rut of joylessness for SO LONG, not knowing how to get out of it, nor having the strength even to try. I feel like the psalmist when he said:

“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters…He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me” (Psalm 18:16,19).

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God” (Psalm 40:2-3).

God has rescued me.

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Fighting against self-righteousness

16 Aug

“He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt:

‘Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted'” (Luke 18:9-14).

One of my co-workers is a Christian and while she goes to church on a regular basis, she doesn’t read the Bible much, doesn’t know much about what the Bible says on specific things, and doesn’t seem to care about changing that. She also has a perpetually bad attitude, complains a lot, and has a tendency to focus on the worst in people.

I have found myself passing judgment on her, thinking that at least I try to have a godly attitude, I make Christian fellowship a priority, and I know more about the Bible and theology because I read the Bible and was very involved in a college ministry.

I know this tendency of mine is a sin. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else? And even if I am “better,” it is solely by the grace of God. Before I was a Christian, I had no morals, no ethics, and no standards. I did whatever I wanted, regardless of the consequences to others, as long as I came out pretty well off. Any action I do now that takes others into consideration is evidence of the Spirit working in me.

But this struggle reveals something about my condition. It is the same reason why it’s so tempting to tell non-Christians stories about what a rebel I was before I became a Christian. The reason why I want to be skinnier and prettier than other women. The reason why I need to be successful in my job. 

I want to prove my worth.

I want to show others that I have something to offer, that I matter, that I am to be envied. My flesh does not think it is not enough to be loved by God, to be saved by Christ, to be validated by the One who sets the ultimate standards. I want my worth to be about me.

But I’m glad that it’s not about me, no matter how misled and lost I am about what is really important. If it were about me, I could never be sure of my real worth because everything would be relative. Who can define beauty? Who can define success? Who can define truly living? Humans try but without an objective truth, everything becomes subjective and nothing is for sure. Only God can define those things.

And only God can judge other people. My co-worker’s relationship with God is just that – her relationship with God. It’s between her and God. I cannot hold her up to a standard that I cannot attain myself. Without the Holy Spirit, neither of us are anything. But with God, all things are possible.

So instead of judging her and setting myself on a pedestal because “at least I’m seeking to know God,” I should pray for her. I should ask God to make Himself ever more real and lovely in her life, so that she desires to know Him more. I should ask Him to change her attitude, to give her the grace to give thanks always, to soften her heart in repentance, to help her focus on what really matters.

And while I’m at it, I should pray those things for myself as well.

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Disillusioned by productivity

21 Jun

I have loved these past 2 weeks. I have had some relaxation time but I’ve also been very productive. And strangely, it is the productive part that makes me feel the best. I have gotten back into the habit of cooking actual dinners, which has been good. I even made banana bread one day! I cleaned the whole house, including the refrigerator and microwave. Travis and I (finally!) cleaned out the drain to my bathroom sink (it has been clogged since we moved in!!!) so my sink stays clean now – before, it had soap buildup again the first time you used it after cleaning it. I went grocery shopping, fixed a couple of necklaces that had been broken for about 6 months, gave Katy a bath, watered the lawn, got my hair cut, read a whole book and started another, went on a 9 and a 1o mile run, redid my nails, bought new bras and running clothes, and did laundry 3 times.

I love being productive!

I wish I could add “spent time with the Lord every morning” to that list – I’m getting there. I need to remind myself that productivity, in the end, amounts to nothing. I mean, let’s be honest. In just a few days, there will be dirty dishes and a pile of laundry to be washed. In a week, the house will need cleaning again and the refrigerator will be pathetically empty. In a month, my nails will be chipped and in 2 months, my hair will start getting split ends. All of these things are temporary. The feeling of accomplishment they bring is short and fleeting.

Productivity isn’t a bad thing – but for me, it can be dangerous. The feeling of being productive, of going to bed with the great feeling I get from crossing off most things on my to-do list, allows me to forget – just for a little bit – how helpless, incapable, and needy I really am. I feel good about myself when I’m productive. I don’t feel sinful, weak, and pitiful.

I don’t think that is God’s goal for me – to feel good about myself (for then why would I think I have a need for a Savior?). But I also don’t think His goal is for me to feel weak and pitiful. Rather, I like what Oswald Chambers said in today’s devotional:

“The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God. Until we get into this right and proper relationship with God, it is simply a case of our ‘hanging on by the skin of our teeth,’ although we say, ‘What a wonderful victory I have!’ Yet there is nothing in all of that which indicates the miracle of redemption… You are perfect only in Christ, not on the basis of this argument: ‘Oh Lord, I have done my best…’

“How long is it going to take God to free us from this unhealthy habit of thinking only about ourselves? We must get to the point of being sick to death of ourselves, until there is no longer any surprise at anything God might tell us about ourselves. We cannot reach and understand the depths of our own meagerness. There is only one place where we are right with God, and that is in Christ Jesus.”

Like Tim Keller said in his sermon Blessed Self-Forgetfulness, humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less. I am so guilty of being self-centered. SO guilty. Guilty to the nth degree. As Chambers puts it, I cannot reach and understand the depths of my own meagerness. I cannot comprehend how little I bring to the table. I can’t get my mind around how insufficient I am even on the days when it feels like I accomplished the world. But there are still those days when I constantly dwell on my meagerness, as if that were the way to make me less meager.

Productivity has the power to distract me from the fact that Christ is sufficient so I don’t have to be. And I can be content in knowing I am not. Paul was content with his weaknesses – “…so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Nevertheless, I cling to productivity like a safety blanket. My sinful flesh will use anything it can to escape the reminder of my own insufficiency. I don’t want to be dependent – I want to have it all together. The issue with being insufficient is not that I am not living up to God’s expectations of me – “For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14). It is that I don’t live up to my own expectations of me. I’m not all that I would imagine myself to be. Productivity gives me the illusion of being that person – but who am I after the dust settles (quite literally), the clothes are stained and the dog is dirty? Who am I then? I am lost.

A good friend sent me this quote when I was feeling quite down on myself and I return to it often, as a reminder of God’s love for me: “There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worse about me, so that no discovery can now disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me.”

It is a tough thing – to be okay with not being everything you’d like to be. To accept being disappointed by yourself often. To be disillusioned, as the quote put it, about your own behavior and character and still think there might be hope for you.

Yes, everyday is a new day, full of new opportunities to make right what you made wrong the previous day. But I’m sure that I am not done disillusioning myself, not done with failing to live up to my own expectations. Which is why I’m glad God will continue to disillusion me with my illusions, reminding me that it’s a good thing to be a sinner, poor and needy, saved by grace alone.

It means I can rest.

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Renewed

17 Jun

Physically, I had a splitting headache yesterday afternoon and evening. I had a hard time falling asleep, it hurt so bad. I tried drinking lots of fluids and taking aspirin but to no avail. Luckily, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I definitely need to drink more water, to prevent it from happening again.

Spiritually, this week I have been lethargic and indifferent. Getting in the Word has been on my “To-Do List” since Monday – yet, I just “checked it off” today (it’s not really something to be checked off but lately. I’ve had so much stuff running through my head that I want to get done, that I had to create a list. Getting in the Word was one of the things I wanted to do, but just hadn’t done. No excuses.)

This morning, I woke up with a desire to spend time with God. A devotion by Oswald Chambers led me into thinking about my life before I was a Christian and I was reminded of how different my life is from then, even when I don’t pursue the Lord. God continues to bless me, seemingly regardless of my commitment and devotion to Him. Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful. In church on Sunday, we sang “Jesus Paid It All.” The one lyric of that song that really gets to me is “Jesus died my soul to save.” Thinking about standing in front of God after my life here on earth and having that be my only claim, my only boast, humbles me in a very profound way. Despite anything I may accomplish here on earth (or in spite of the things I don’t accomplish here), despite anything I may boast in now, that will still be the only reason why I should be allowed into heaven. “Jesus died my soul to save.”

One of the huge blessings in my life lately has been my marriage. Back in April, Travis had 2 levee inspections lasting 10 days each, with a 5 day break in between. I was going to leave for Las Vegas for a race before he got back from the first and not return until he had left for the second. So we weren’t going to see each other for about 3 weeks straight. To Travis, that was unacceptable. To me, it was just part of my job. Travis was really bothered by my lack of concern and God used that to show me how I hadn’t been paying attention to or appreciating Travis – I was so consumed by my own issues and concerns that I was no longer caring for him.

Since then, our marriage has been amazing. My affection for Travis has increased something like 400% and our arguments have all but stopped. We still get on each other’s nerves at times but on the whole, we have a lot of fun together and are very much in love. The fourth year of marriage, so far, has been better than either of the first 3!

That has been unexpected one perk of my job – when we have days off together, we are intentional about spending time with each other. Memorial Day, we planted flowers and went biking. We go on walks together, play Scrabble, go shopping, and talk. It has been great!

I do miss the summer weekends with Travis – we have yet to go camping or hiking together and won’t get a chance until the end of July. But last summer, we had plenty of opportunities to go and didn’t take them – because our weekends together weren’t as precious as they are now.There’s definitely something to be said for spending some time apart (but not too much time!)

I have gone through such a range of emotions in 3 years of marriage that I know anything good that happens with Travis and me is from the Lord. He is the One who gives me love for my husband; who allows me to respect him, appreciate him, and enjoy him; who shows me when I am in the wrong and need to repent. I fail so miserably on my own that I can truly say I owe my marriage to God and Him alone. Despite my sinfulness and seeming determination to destroy a good thing, God continues to renew it and change it into something that glorifies Him.

I especially like the verse from “Jesus, My Only Hope” that goes:

Though I am poor and naked

Your prodigal come home

You place your robe upon me

Your holiness alone

Though I be dry and barren,

By grace this love springs forth

Love for you and your kingdom,

Joy in your glory Lord

Before I knew Christ, I was heartless and empty – and can still be that way when left to myself. But God, ever faithful and ever blessing, renews my heart and gives me affections, emotions – love for Himself, love for my husband, and joy in knowing Him.

What an amazing God!

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Free to love God in all circumstances.

10 Feb

After being reminded of truth last weekend, my time at work has been much better. When tempted to get annoyed or frustrated, I remind myself of truth – that I can glorify God regardless of circumstance and that being gracious and patient is glorifying to Him.

I have been reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and his whole book is based around the quote by St. Iphnaeus, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” For several months, I have struggled with an Ecclesiastes perspective on life: everything is vain and a striving after the wind. Why eat? Why make the bed? Why buy clothes? Why enjoy music? Why exercise? It’s all seemed so pointless and such a waste of time.

But John Eldredge says that it is through the heart reawakened by the Spirit of Christ that we truly connect with God. Living life fully is doing what you love, seeing those things as gifts from God and revelations of Him. I have wanted to believe that for so long but it seemed to good to be true.

Tonight at care group, the worship leader, Cathy, thanked God for revealing Himself to us through sunrises, songs, and Scripture. I recalled reading in The Sacred Romance (another John Eldredge book) a long time ago about God wooing us, about Him speaking to our hearts through specific, tangible things. Again, this seems to good to be true.

But then again, it’s God. Nothing with Him is too good to be true because things more amazing than I can imagine are true with Him. He proved that with the gospel. “He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?” Including love notes throughout the day. Including pleasurable moments, little things that we enjoy.

John Eldredge writes in Waking the Dead, “Everything you love is what makes a life worth living… A life filled with loving is a life most like the one that God lives, which is life as it was meant to be.” This makes sense to me, because if God’s glory is shone in a man (or woman) fully alive, then their heart is engaging with the things of this world around them.

Just as Travis and I were driving home from care group tonight, I was telling him how freeing it was to know that enjoying things in this world is good because they reveal God. I am free to enjoy things because of what they represent – they are the shadow but the substance is to come.

More than that, God has created me specifically to like certain things. There is a reason why I like sunrises, spring mornings, summer nights, grapenuts with bananas, honey and yogurt. He designed me to love reading, writing, and to have deep thoughts (sometimes deeper than I’d like). He created me to be more of a one-on-one person than a crowd person. He created me to be better at thinking through writing than speaking. He decided that I would prefer individual sports like running and triathlons over team sports. He gave me my love for funny movie lines, cute animals, and my wonderful husband (who cooked soup for tonight’s care group!).

The enemy wants to keep my heart indifferent or apathetic. He wants me to drift along in this life, skirting the fringe, finding no meaning or value in anything. He doesn’t want me to engage, doesn’t want my heart to feel. I will close with these quotes from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis:

“Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is His invention, not ours. He made all the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage the humans to take pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable.”

“The deepest likings and impulses of any man are the raw material, the starting-point, with which the Enemy has furnished him. To get him away from those is therefore always a point gained; even in things indifferent it is always desirable to substitute the standards of the World, or convention, or fashion, for a human’s own real likings and dislikings.”

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Humbled, yet again

6 Feb

The last few days have been pretty tumultuous for me emotionally. Yesterday especially. Thursday was the day I blogged last, the day I could barely stand to be in the office. If you can believe it, Friday was even worse. It was the most delightful thought to me to walk into Phil’s office and tell him I quit. To pack up my stuff and leave on the spot.

To be honest, it still is a pleasant thought.

I got home from work, just hating my life. Hating that I had a job I hated. Hating that I couldn’t quit, that I had to just endure it for however much longer and not being to bear that thought. I tried to look at jobs and work on my resume after work but the computer wasn’t cooperating. I didn’t need that. But I didn’t give up. After a few more attempts and a switch in computers, I brought up my old resume in Word and starting working on it. I even looked up a resume guide online and took their suggestions to heart.

Then all of a sudden, the computer I was working on shut down.

When I brought the program back up, my resume was back to where it had been an hour before.

I raged. I cried, hit the door, screamed, yelled “God, why?!?!? WHY!?!? Am I not miserable enough? Why this? Do you not want me to get another job? Is this Your way of telling me that?” That went on for about 15 minutes. It wasn’t my finest hour.

Finally, I calmed down enough to recall the changes I had made. I had started making when another box popped up about document recovery. I x-ed out of it and there, lo and behold, was my resume. It wasn’t exactly how I had left it but it was a lot closer than the one I had presumed to be the most recent version.

I was humbled.

And still confused.

Here I was, raging at God for no reason (the humbling part). But I was still left with the “Why?” (the confusing part). Why did I have to go through that emotional turmoil just to discover that my resume was indeed still there?

I still didn’t know “why.”

I did know that after finalizing my resume and getting Travis’ feedback, I was able to go to bed with a spark of hope instead of a cloud of doom hanging over my head. And I did know that when I woke up this morning and applied for 6 jobs, that I was excited about the possibility of a new work situation, instead of dreading heading back into the same old one.

But then, after all that, I finally discovered the “why.”

While reading Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest, God knocked some sense into me. It’s amazing how many of Oswald Chambers exhortations do that on exactly the days I need them. The ironic part is that the readings that hit me square between the eyes were the readings I would have read on Thursday and Friday, had I gotten into the Word instead of foaming at the mouth with anger.

But first, I need to give a little background. After quite some time spent in bitterness and anger over the past week or so (and on/off for the past year or so) because of my job, I realized that the reason why working at D2S is so frustrating to me is because I feel insignificant. I have nothing to contribute because the motivation to come up with things to contribute has been snuffed out by the lack of encouragement for (and use of) contributions. Decisions are made and remade without the slightest regard for me. I feel like it can best be summed up by saying that my job is just to do what I’m told.

In light of that, these are the words God used to speak to me this afternoon:

February 5: “Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket–to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted–not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?”

February 6: “Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way… You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents–burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose–the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God… After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do… Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.”

It is not my job that is making me miserable. Rather, it is my refusal to run to God in the midst of my frustration. It is letting my circumstances take my eyes off God. That’s what He was showing me last night when the computer died. A new job won’t make me happy. A new job won’t make my life better automatically. It still might be time for me to move on from Dare 2 Share but God is not primarily concerned about the circumstances of my life–He’s concerned about my relationship with Him. He’s concerned first and foremost about my sanctification, about refining me into the image of His Son. He reminded me that true joy — true unwavering, unshakable joy — comes from knowing Christ as my Savior. It comes from knowing that God has a plan for me and that, I love how Oswald Chambers puts it, “God will prove Himself to be all [I] ever dreamed He would be.”

I can glorify God and be the light of Christ in my current job. It will be hard and I have been brought so low that I finally recognize there is no possible way I can do get through this with my personal integrity and happiness on my own strength. I need to seek God’s face, to read the Bible and have God speak truth to my soul. But because of Christ, I have faith – and faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

“In this world, you will have trouble but take heart; I have overcome the world.”

What an amazing God we have!

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Obedience tastes sweet.

30 Jan

Last night, Travis and I went to a going-away party for a guy from Travis’ work. We drove down where the party was with our friends Ahren and Lauren (Ahren works with Travis too).

Just to give you a little background, Ahren and Lauren are fun to hang out with. We get along well and enjoy the same activities: hunting, camping, hiking, fishing, etc. But they are not believers. They go to mass and consider themselves Catholic, though they don’t believe everything the Catholic religion believes. They like to party (aka get drunk) but usually with us, they just chill and have a few.

Because I have been convicted of sharing my faith more earnestly, I have been praying and looking for opportunities to bring up the gospel. I had thought about calling Lauren up and asking her out to coffee, since I only ever hang out with her in group settings. And I still might do that. We’ll see.

So last night, when we were on our way to the party, we happened to drive past the Denver Seminary. Ahren said that he didn’t know Denver had a seminary, and that he didn’t even know what a seminary was. We got on the subject of priests and how many new ones we thought there had been in the past couple of years (not many). And I felt the Spirit prompting that this was my chance.

The question that popped into my head was “What do you think about heaven?” There was a lull in the conversation and it would’ve been the perfect time but I was so scared to bring it up that I kept my mouth shut. Then Travis said something else and the conversation got off topic so I thought I was out my chance. I could feel my skin burning, the way it does when I have been really, really, really nervous and am finally let off the hook.

But as we continued driving (this place was about a 30 minute drive away), I couldn’t stop thinking about it. If I truly believe that they’re going to hell because they don’t believe in Christ, I can’t just shrug the conversation off like “it just wasn’t the right time.” It is always the right time, whether it’s awkward or not.

So I just blurted it out: “What do Catholics believe about heaven?”

Ahren asked if I was asked about anything specific in regards to heaven and I said no, I just didn’t know much about the Catholic faith. He said that they do believe that there’s a heaven and that you get there by asking for forgiveness (or by living exactly the way they want you to, which both Ahren and Lauren admitted was impossible… so at least there’s that). I confirmed that they believed forgiveness was the way you get to heaven. They said yes, that and confession. You’re supposed to go every week. I asked if they do that. Both of them said that they hadn’t gone to confession in years.

“So you’re just banking on asking for forgiveness before you die?” I asked.

“Something like that,” they replied.

“Do you believe in Jesus?”

“Yes, we do. We believe that he was the Messiah,” Ahren said. They said something else after this about Jesus and one religion not being for everyone but I can’t remember exactly what it was. But it prompted me to ask,

“Do you think Jesus is the only way to heaven?” They didn’t.

Then I quoted to them Jesus’ saying, “I am the way, the truth, the life, and no one comes to the Father except through me.”

“Hmmmmm,” Ahren said.

“There’s a book called More Than a Carpenter,” I said.

“I’ve heard of that book!” Lauren said.

“In it, it says that Jesus was either a lunatic, liar, or Lord. So he’s either crazy, lying about everything, or he’s actually God. If he is God, then we have to believe everything he says because God is perfect.”

“Hmmmmm,” Ahren said again.

“He also says that we have to born again to be saved, that we get to heaven by putting our trust in Christ. That it’s not about how good we are, how we live, what we do with our lives, but about putting our trust in Him. He came to earth and lived a perfect life (it says in Hebrews that he didn’t sin), then died on the cross for our sins (he could do that because he was fully God and fully man), and we go to heaven by putting our faith in Him alone.”

“Hmmmm,” Ahren said.

At this point, we were reading the directions and trying to figure out where to turn so the conversation got a little distracting. But I didn’t want to lose the chance to share the gospel so I just pushed ahead.

Ahren started to say, “We do believe in the crucifixion, that Jesus died for our sins…” But then we found the place and the conversation was over. But Travis has a great starting point now the next Ahren and he go out to lunch to ask Ahren what he thought about what we talked about the other night.

I asked Travis later in the night what he thought of the conversation. He said that it was pretty awkward but that he thought it was good and that it might have always been awkward. It would be interesting to know what those kinds of conversations feel like on the other side. Maybe they just feel awkward to us because we’re the ones who are telling the gospel.

But I finally obeyed the Spirit! There have been other times when I thought about sharing the gospel (not necessarily with Ahren and Lauren) but I’ve kept my mouth shut because of somehow rationalizing the reason why I didn’t have to or shouldn’t share the gospel at that moment. I was able to convince myself that it wasn’t really the Spirit’s prompting, it was just an idea I had on my own. Not so! The guilt I felt after those missed opportunities showed me that it was the Spirit leading me, and I had disobeyed. Now I know from experience that instead of guilt, obedience tastes sweet.

I have been battling with the tension between living out my faith and being intentional about sharing my faith. I think that we are called to live out our faith always, even in the midst of sharing our faith. But we are also called to share our faith with unbelievers with words and intentionality. And I am so glad that I did that last night. Selfishly, I am also happy that it didn’t make things awkward between us but I’d rather it be awkward for them to come to know Christ than to maintain the peace and settle for being “friends” with people who we know are going to hell. (How can we be friends with them and be ok with that, is what I want to know? We need to remind ourselves that, like C.S. Lewis says, “There are no mere mortals.” Everyone we see is going to either heaven or hell. Greg Stier said that he always imagined people with “Bound for Hell” stamped across their foreheads to give him motivation to share the gospel. He even to the malls on the weekends when he was in high school to do cold evangelism.)

Anyway, I will pray for Ahren and Lauren, that God will plant a seed in them. I will also pray for Travis, that he has the boldness and opportunity to bring it up again with Ahren.

Something that has helped me is to remind myself while I’m talking to other people about the gospel that I have staked my life on this. This is what has shaped my entire being, values, daily activity, friends, etc. I am just sharing what I believe with others, not trying to cram it down their throats. I honestly what to dialogue about the gospel with people. If they don’t believe, that’s God’s business. But if they do, what an amazing thing to behold (it hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m hoping it will as I start/continue to share my faith!)

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What shall I render to the LORD for all his benefits to me?

23 Jan

I have started to re-read We Would See Jesus by Roy Hession and while the whole book is utterly fantastic, this part put into words what I have been muttering in my soul for… a long time.

“To concentrate on service and activity for God may often actively thwart our attaining of the true goal, God Himself. At first sight it seems heroic to fling our lives away in the service of God and of our fellows. We feel it is bound to mean more to Him than our experience of Him. Service seems so unselfish, whereas concentrating on our walk with God seems selfish and self-centered. But it is the very reverse. The things that God is most concerned about are our coldness of heart towards Himself and our proud, unbroken natures. Christian service of itself can, and so often does, leave our self-centred nature untouched. That is why there is scarcely a church, a mission station, or a committee undertaking a special piece of service, that is without an unresolved problem of personal relationships eating out its heart and thwarting its progress. This is because Christian service often gives us opportunities of leadership and position that we could not attain in the secular world, and we quickly fall into pride, self-seeking and ambition. With those things hidden in our hearts, we have only to work alongside others, and we find resentment, hardness, criticism, jealousy, and frustration issuing from our hearts. We think we are working for God, but the test of how little of our service is for Him is revealed by our resentment or self-pity, when the actions of others, or circumstances, or ill-health take it from us!

“In this condition we are trying to give to others an answer which we have not truly and deeply found for ourselves. The tragedy is that much of the vast network of Christian activity and service is bent on propagating an answer for people’s needs and problems which few of those propagating it are finding adequate in their own lives. We need to leave our lusting for ever-larger spheres of Christian service and concentrate on seeing God for ourselves and finding the deep answer for life in Him. Then, even if we are located in the most obscure corner of the globe, the world will make a road to our door to get that answer. Our service of help to our fellows then becomes incidental to our vision of God, and the direct consequence of it.” (emphasis mine)

Wow. This is exactly what I needed to hear. This is exactly what I have been feeling, though I couldn’t voice it – that concentrating on my relationship with God was selfish and that I needed to be about other people. My fear is that if I let go of my felt need to serve and instead concentrate on God, then I won’t ever serve. That is the devil trying to keep me from growing closer to God!

I recommend this book to everyone but especially those who don’t feel close to God, or don’t completely understand the purpose of life.

Just another little snippet that is also wonderful:

“Grace permits us to come (nay, demands that we come) as empty sinners to be blessed, empty of right feelings, good character, and satisfactory record, with nothing to commend ourselves but our deep need, fully and frankly acknowledged. Then grace, being what it is, is drawn by that need to satisfy it, just as water is drawn to depth that it might fill it. This means that when at last we are content to find no merit nor procuring cause in ourselves, and are willing to admit the full extent of our sinfulness, then there is no limit to what God will do for the poor who look to Him in their nothingness.”

It is mind-boggling to me that God accepts, and actually requires, that I acknowledge my complete lack and His complete abundance. I don’t have to bring anything to the table. I don’t have to have any redeeming qualities in myself. I can come as a empty, weak, wretched sinner and God’s grace reaches out generously to bless me.

“Nothing in my hands I bring; simply to Thy cross I cling.”

“What shall I render unto the LORD for all his benefits toward me? I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD.” (Psalm 116:12-13).

Instead of praying to be a vessel that God uses as He wills, I have been taking it upon myself to be of service to God. I have felt the responsibility and guilt of making my life worthwhile and meaningful. That is God’s job! I am the clay; He is the potter. He knows I want to be used. He wants to use me. He may not use me in the way I want to be or think I should be used but He will use me in His own way. It is insofaras I am walking closely with God that I will see the path and purpose for my life.


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