Tag Archives: job

A choice

16 Feb

I just found out tonight that the job with the triathlon company I had wanted (and thought I had) back in January (that I didn’t get) might be back on the table. They are potentially getting 2 new contracts, which would bring in enough money (and enough work) for them to hire another person full-time. They were going to hire a guy with 5 years race director experience but when they called to offer him the job, he turned it down, saying he didn’t want to travel so much.

The contracts are still legally pending – meaning the race people have given their word but not faxed a signed contract. So this job is still not a for sure in itself, let alone for me.

The owner of this nonprofit also wants to meet me. So I’m going up there on Monday morning.

But here’s the thing…

I’m not entirely sure I want the job. I mean, I do.

But I don’t.

Why the ambivalence? This isn’t your typical job. It’s with a triathlon company…

Pros:

Work from home

Get lots of vacation during the off-season

Flexible-ish hours during the on-season

Get paid more

Work outside

A new, exciting experience in a fun environment

Lots of travel

More interaction with people

More authority and control over my workload (I would be in charge of timing events)

Work with non-Christians, have chances to share the gospel

Chance to broaden my marketing and design skills

Get involved with a start-up company

Cons:

Long hours during the on-season

Lots of travel

I’d be away from Travis a lot

Summer weekends would be tied up working instead of hiking and camping

I’d miss church a lot

Time off during the week, when Travis is working

Possibly not able to participate in any races during on-season

Besides D, it’s all guys who work there (and they sound like they’re frustrating at times)

Sometimes I like working in an office

I wouldn’t have a reason to dress up anymore (sweats and tees would be my “uniform”)

There are things I think I could do to minimize the damage… I could find a church that has Wednesday night services or recreate my own church services at home on my days off. I could bring Travis with me to some races. I don’t think every weekend will be tied up so we’ll have to be intentional about planning things like hiking and camping for those times. The other things are petty (like, liking to dress up… I think I can get over that).

This door isn’t for sure open yet, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself. But if the door does open, I could start as early as March 1st so I do want to consider it enough to know what my answer would/will be if/when they offer me the job.

After reviewing the list above, I feel like the Pros outweigh the Cons. It’s a little scary… leaving the known for the unknown. But just the other day, I was thinking about Crystal Renn, the plus-size model who wrote Hungry. When she had been discovered by the modeling scout and had finally lost enough weight to start modeling, she moved from rural Mississippi to New York. Her grandma (who was really like her mom growing up) moved with her, giving up her own house to go live in a tiny flat with a bunch of models. Crystal wrote that she still can’t fathom the sacrifice her “mom” made for her. But it is because her mom was willing to sacrifice for Crystal that she is changing the face of modeling today.

The Winter Olympics brought this thought up as well, as I watched a 16-year-old figure skater from the U.S. compete last night. That girl is forgoing a typical high schooler’s life, time with her friends and family, time with boys, time being a teenage girl, to achieve something great. She is following her dream. She is stepping out on the ledge and going for it.

There have been a few things in my life that I’ve had to make choices about. In the past, I’ve decided against them when they would cause me to give up something important to me. I decided to not take ballet lessons because they were on Wednesday nights, during our care group time. Travis and I decided to not lead a care group at church because we were just getting to be good friends in the group we were attending and didn’t want to leave those behind.

But maybe this is a decision that I have to be bold about. Maybe I have to sacrifice some things to achieve something great. Maybe God is calling me to take a risk, to take a chance on Him.

I don’t feel like I’ve ever really taken a risk on anything. Probably the biggest one was moving out to Colorado without jobs but that decision, we felt, was clearly God’s will.

So I want that kind of certainty with this decision. I’m leaning toward yes (if the job is offered, but that’s a big IF) but I don’t want that to be an automatic yes. I want it to actually be a decision, weighing the reality of the situation. Back in January, I wanted out of my current job so badly that I couldn’t see straight. But now, God has brought me to a point of rationality. I do like my job and I would be happy to stay there for the foreseeable future, until God moved me elsewhere. Maybe God is moving me now though?

God seems to have a way of bringing me to a point of contentment with a situation and then giving me what I’ve wanted all along. When I was finally content without a boyfriend after becoming a Christian, God brought Travis into my life. When I had finally made peace about the uncertainty of whether Travis and I would get married (and I say finally because it took me over a year!), Travis proposed. So maybe now that I am finally at peace with what happens with my job, God will give me the triathlon job. I don’t presume to know, though. He is full of surprises – all full of grace and blessing, might I add.

I really want this decision to be bathed in prayer, as they say, so I am going to try to pray a lot over the next several days about this. My life is in God’s hands and I am at peace when I rest completely in His love for me. So I am going to fight to rest, as John Piper would say.

Stay tuned for more…

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Humbled, yet again

6 Feb

The last few days have been pretty tumultuous for me emotionally. Yesterday especially. Thursday was the day I blogged last, the day I could barely stand to be in the office. If you can believe it, Friday was even worse. It was the most delightful thought to me to walk into Phil’s office and tell him I quit. To pack up my stuff and leave on the spot.

To be honest, it still is a pleasant thought.

I got home from work, just hating my life. Hating that I had a job I hated. Hating that I couldn’t quit, that I had to just endure it for however much longer and not being to bear that thought. I tried to look at jobs and work on my resume after work but the computer wasn’t cooperating. I didn’t need that. But I didn’t give up. After a few more attempts and a switch in computers, I brought up my old resume in Word and starting working on it. I even looked up a resume guide online and took their suggestions to heart.

Then all of a sudden, the computer I was working on shut down.

When I brought the program back up, my resume was back to where it had been an hour before.

I raged. I cried, hit the door, screamed, yelled “God, why?!?!? WHY!?!? Am I not miserable enough? Why this? Do you not want me to get another job? Is this Your way of telling me that?” That went on for about 15 minutes. It wasn’t my finest hour.

Finally, I calmed down enough to recall the changes I had made. I had started making when another box popped up about document recovery. I x-ed out of it and there, lo and behold, was my resume. It wasn’t exactly how I had left it but it was a lot closer than the one I had presumed to be the most recent version.

I was humbled.

And still confused.

Here I was, raging at God for no reason (the humbling part). But I was still left with the “Why?” (the confusing part). Why did I have to go through that emotional turmoil just to discover that my resume was indeed still there?

I still didn’t know “why.”

I did know that after finalizing my resume and getting Travis’ feedback, I was able to go to bed with a spark of hope instead of a cloud of doom hanging over my head. And I did know that when I woke up this morning and applied for 6 jobs, that I was excited about the possibility of a new work situation, instead of dreading heading back into the same old one.

But then, after all that, I finally discovered the “why.”

While reading Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest, God knocked some sense into me. It’s amazing how many of Oswald Chambers exhortations do that on exactly the days I need them. The ironic part is that the readings that hit me square between the eyes were the readings I would have read on Thursday and Friday, had I gotten into the Word instead of foaming at the mouth with anger.

But first, I need to give a little background. After quite some time spent in bitterness and anger over the past week or so (and on/off for the past year or so) because of my job, I realized that the reason why working at D2S is so frustrating to me is because I feel insignificant. I have nothing to contribute because the motivation to come up with things to contribute has been snuffed out by the lack of encouragement for (and use of) contributions. Decisions are made and remade without the slightest regard for me. I feel like it can best be summed up by saying that my job is just to do what I’m told.

In light of that, these are the words God used to speak to me this afternoon:

February 5: “Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket–to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted–not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?”

February 6: “Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way… You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents–burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose–the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God… After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do… Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.”

It is not my job that is making me miserable. Rather, it is my refusal to run to God in the midst of my frustration. It is letting my circumstances take my eyes off God. That’s what He was showing me last night when the computer died. A new job won’t make me happy. A new job won’t make my life better automatically. It still might be time for me to move on from Dare 2 Share but God is not primarily concerned about the circumstances of my life–He’s concerned about my relationship with Him. He’s concerned first and foremost about my sanctification, about refining me into the image of His Son. He reminded me that true joy — true unwavering, unshakable joy — comes from knowing Christ as my Savior. It comes from knowing that God has a plan for me and that, I love how Oswald Chambers puts it, “God will prove Himself to be all [I] ever dreamed He would be.”

I can glorify God and be the light of Christ in my current job. It will be hard and I have been brought so low that I finally recognize there is no possible way I can do get through this with my personal integrity and happiness on my own strength. I need to seek God’s face, to read the Bible and have God speak truth to my soul. But because of Christ, I have faith – and faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

“In this world, you will have trouble but take heart; I have overcome the world.”

What an amazing God we have!

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Majorly bummed.

22 Dec

So the whole job thing didn’t quite work out as anticipated. Not only am I not starting in January, I’m not sure I’ll get a job with that organization at all. From what my friend D (who left D2S to work for them) tells me, it sounds like they are rethinking a lot of things and haven’t figured anything out for sure. They’ve even talked about changing her level of responsibility and even her payscale, which is totally not cool. So D is glad that this happened before I got in the middle of it but it’s still a major bummer. I was really ready to leave AND I was really excited about the new opportunity.

But it doesn’t sound like they’ve for sure decided to not hire anyone… it’s just more about timing. Do they hire someone now or 3, 6, 12 months from now? If D has any say in it, if they do eventually decide to hire someone, I would be offered the position. So the hope and potential is still there. It’s just no longer on the near horizon.

Before I found this out yesterday, I had been reminding myself of God’s goodness, love and perfect timing. After I found out, I saw how easily I could abandon all those truths and instead be mad at God. “Why can’t I have this job? Why did You let me get all excited about this when You knew it wouldn’t happen? Why do You have to teach me to rely on You this way? I really wanted this job and You knew it!”

That’s what I wanted to say.

But I can’t let that be my attitude. God does have perfect timing and He is good, regardless of circumstances. And 24/7, He is not only able but willing to provide for me. So when I am tempted to lament to myself “I can’t take any more of D2S! I want out NOW!”, I have to remind myself of 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” and Psalm 55:22 – “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” It makes it sound like D2S is a horrible place to work (which it isn’t) but it helps to remind myself that God will enable me to endure, to perservere, to press on even when the going is rough.

On a positive note, there is a blizzard moving in across Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, and Minnesota so Travis and I are leaving for Minnesota a day early (tonight!) I haven’t even started packing but luckily, I did my baking last night so that’s all ready to go. I didn’t get a chance to buy my oldest bro’s Christmas present (was going to do that tonight) so we’ll have to figure out a Plan B for that.

The positive side, though, is that 1) One less day of work 2) One more day with my family and 3) One less day of work.

Hopefully Christmas and my fam will cheer up my spirits.

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Jitters.

17 Dec

It has been getting harder and harder to be at work this week. Not because I don’t want to be there or I’m bored. It’s the anticipation that’s killing me.

More and more it’s sounding like if this deal with this organization goes through and I get offered the job (I will tell more specifics later, if it ends up being a for-sure thing), I could start as early as January 4th. Which means I would give my 2 weeks notice next Monday 12/21 and be done on Wednesday 12/23, because of Christmas and the mandatory furlough my company is taking the week after Christmas. Not only that but I would get back from Minnesota on 1/3, the night before I would start my new job. I wouldn’t even have my home office set up or anything! It would definitely be a whirlwind if it went down that way.

But with the major transitions and restructuring right now (we let go of 5 employees last week), there is a lot of talk about who will be doing what going forward. I would like to be able to give notice before too many things get reassigned to me, because I’ll just have to turn around and tell them I’m leaving.

It sounds hopeful because the president of this nonprofit asked my friend D when I would need to know for sure in order to allow me to start at the beginning of Jan. So at least he’s aiming for that! If it doesn’t happen, I am trusting that it is God’s perfect timing and the best thing for everyone involved. I would either give my 2 weeks notice on Jan 4th or as soon as I could thereafter.

Man, it’s so hard not knowing!! This is definitely a lesson in patience and waiting on God. And I know that He is able and willing to provide for me, and He is sovereign and good. He has a plan for my life. This may be His plan (as it seems) but it may not. And I pray that I will have the grace to accept His plan either way.

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The Beast

15 Dec

I am typing this post on an 8-year-old IBM ThinkPad. Yes, you read that right… EIGHT years old. IBM doesn’t even make ThinkPads anymore (they outsourced to some Asian company). This computer is ancient.

But hey, it’s still working. It has seen some trouble (hard drive crashed 3 years ago) but thanks to my tech-savvy dad and brother, it is alive and mostly well. With a little TLC, it could have a year or 2 left in it.

You might be wondering, why? Why hasn’t that computer been sent to the dump a long time ago? Why would I resurrect such an old computer when we have 2 others in our household? Why now?

Well, exciting things are transpiring in my life right now. I have a very definite possibility of getting a new job that would allow me to work from home 50% of the time, at a friend’s, er my boss’ house 25% of the time and on the road 25% of the time. I would be working with another non-profit organization that organizes and times races (5Ks, marathons, triathlons) to raise money for other non-profits. I would be doing all of the marketing (direct mail, flyers, emails, etc), as well as potentially organizing volunteers and other stuff yet to be fleshed out. In addition to that, I would travel to all of the races that this company is either organizing or timing. Some of the races are local but a lot of them are in Utah. So I’d get to stay in hotels, work outside, wear pajamas, and have pretty much the whole winter off.

I’m pumped.

But since this job involves working from home, Travis find ourselves in a small dilemma. The best computer we have is our new laptop but Travis has been using that for grad school. So he wouldn’t want me taking that with me on the road. Obviously, a desktop computer isn’t portable either, which leaves this ancient laptop. For light tasks, like word processing and sending/receiving emails, this computer will totally work (though we need to get it a new battery because right now, it only has power when it’s plugged in… if you unplug it, it is out like a light.) Hence why I resurrected it.

I am also totally pumped to redo our office. If I’m going to be working in there 20+ hours a week, it needs help. It needs organization and reorganization. It needs a new desk and better workspace. It needs more light and a happier paint color (right now it’s a bright teal/ocean blue). It’s pretty but not the feel I’m going for.

I’m hoping to find out by this coming Sunday whether or not the job is being offered (If it is being offered, it has already been decided that it will be offered to me and I have already decided that Ih will be taking it). Cross your fingers!!

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The gears are turning…

13 Nov

…in my head, that is. I’m really trying to not get overly excited about this… and I’m praying about it because I do believe that whatever happens is from God’s hand and is the best thing for us…

But it would really cool.

Travis found out about a job opportunity from a guy who visited one of his grad classes. The job pays quite a bit more than Travis’ current job–so much in fact that I would be able to leave Dare 2 Share.

I’m not chomping at the bit to get out of my current job but I have a love-hate relationship with it. Some days, I really LOVE my job. Like today–some of the leadership took me out to lunch to tell me how much they appreciate me and my hard work. I was very touched by it, even if I felt like I totally did not deserve it. (One guy, Spencer, said that I always have such a good, godly attitude… and I said thank you, but I don’t always have the best attitude on the inside!) But then there are other days when I feel so fed up with problems and drama that I want to throw the towel in on the spot and walk out.

So while I’m content with staying at Dare 2 Share if that is God’s plan for me, I’m not opposed to leaving either. My friend, D, is leaving D2S in December to work with a triathlon company. She travels to triathlons and running races all throughout the spring, summer and fall months. I had hoped there would be a position for me at the same company but due to a change in business plan, there is only contract labor available–still an opportunity I can take advantage of but as it stands now, I most likely wouldn’t make enough as a contract employee to be able to quit D2S.

But if Travis got a job that paid more, we would be able to afford me just doing contract labor. I would also have time to do more volunteering, seriously start writing my memoir, and maybe work part-time. There are so many possibilities…

The great thing about staying at D2S even if Travis gets this new job would be that we could pay off our debt significantly faster and then possibly start a family–right now, that is the big limiting factor on a lot of things!! Not sure if I’m ready for kids (I still feel way too young to be a mother!) but I do want to start a family in the next couple of years. 

We’ll see!

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Waiting upon God

4 Mar

Tired but happy. That’s how I would describe my mood today. Since going to Columbus last Thursday for the National Youth Ministry Conference, I have felt like myself again. Happy. Positive. Social. Energetic. Alive. I had been in a funk for so long that I actually forgot I was in a funk.

It’s good to be out.

But now I’m battling a cold. Boo. I like to think that because I take care of myself through eating healthy and exercising regularly, I’m somehow above getting sick. My sore throat and achy body remind me that I’m not.

The conference was great though. I felt very blessed by the opportunity to go. It was great getting to bond with my co-workers (and bosses!) outside of work. My roomie was Debb, the Exec VP of Ministry Advancement (a.k.a. my boss’ boss). She’s the head of our side of the ministry. She’s great–very business savvy and driven but also very down-to-earth, friendly, and open about her life. That’s one of the things that I really love about being a Christian–there’s this authenticity regardless of your status or rank that you just don’t find anywhere else–because we know that we are all sinners in need of a Savior.

So here’s a tiny recap of what we did at the conference (I’ll try not to bore you with details): Thursday, we flew into Columbus and set up the booth. Friday, the conference started. I had 2 shifts in the booth (meet and greet kind of thing) for a total of 4.5 hours (but I also worked on marketing copy when not in the booth). Saturday, we had two 2-hour track sessions. I helped set up our room and the tables with all of our handouts, centerpieces, decorations, etc. Sunday, same thing. Two 2-hour track sessions. Monday, Super Session (90-minute condensed version of the previous 4 sessions), booth teardown, and repalletizing. Flew back to Denver (and I got to have lunch with Rick Lawrence, the editor of Group Magazine!! How cool is that?!?! I feel like the nerdy kid who gets to meet all these cool, important people as I tag along with Greg Stier and Debb).

During the mornings and afternoons of the conference, the sessions took up pretty much all of my time so the only general sessions I was able to go to were the evening ones (that ran from 7:00-9:15). I got to see the band Braddigan (Brad Corrigan was the lead singer of Dispatch!) and Derek Webb in concert, as well as hear Doug Fields and Alex and Brett Harris speak. I also got a bunch of freebies, which is always fun. 🙂 I went to one late night session (from 9:30-11:30 so it got pretty late after a long day!), a documentary that Braddigan made about a concert they played for a garbage dump community in Nicaragua. It was very moving and sad. It made me realize that it is only by God’s grace and providence that I was born into a middle class family in the United States. I could’ve just as easily been born in a garbage dump in Nicaragua. It has renewed my conviction that I need to do something with my privilege, instead of just living for myself. More on that some other day. 🙂

For the time being, work is pretty busy, which is great. During one of our many chats, Debb told me something that has convicted me and clarified a lot of my career struggles. She said that if I concentrate on what she called my current “circle of influence” (the areas that I have influence and impact on now) and seek to do my current job with excellence, more opportunities will be given to me. I can’t concentrate only on what I want to be doing (while slacking on what’s right in front of me), because opportunities aren’t given to people who don’t prove themselves. I have to work myself into where I want to be. Jesus said Matthew 25:21, “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.”  

That is convicting because I  have been guilty of half-hearted work at my current job. I haven’t sought to do the job with excellence. I have done the status quo. There has been a nagging thought in the back of my mind (no doubt from the Holy Spirit) that I am not glorifying the Lord with lukewarm efforts. I have tried to motivate myself to be more enthusiastic, to no avail. But something changed over the weekend: I realized that Debb believes in me and wants me to advance beyond where I am right now. It’s amazing what a difference that makes, to have someone championing you and wanting you to succeed and be the best you can be. It makes me want to be the best I can be. It makes me realize that I do have potential and I just need to apply it.

What Debb said is also clarifying because as she is older and wiser than me, and has gone through a lot of the struggles I’m going through right now, she can speak truth and wisdom into them. She reminded me that I am not in charge of where my life goes. I don’t need to (and can’t) direct it, plan it out, chart in a graph. God does that. I just have to be faithful with where I am right now. There is an Elisabeth Elliot quote that I used to reference constantly when Travis and I were dating:

I wait dear Lord. Thy ways are past finding out. Thy love too high. O hold me still beneath Thy shadow. It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance. I wait – because I am commanded so to do. My mind is filled with wonderings. My soul asks “Why?” But then a quiet word, “Wait thou only upon God.” And so not even for the light to show a step ahead, but for Thee, dear Lord, I wait.

What an amazing woman of God! Her testimony provided immeasurable assurance to me in the midst of the greatest spiritual struggle I’ve had. And those words of wisdom still apply here, to what is, deep down, the same struggle in a different disguise. Then, I wanted to know if Travis and I would get married. Now, I want to know what God’s will and plan for my life is.

It’s easy for me to put a certain spin on my sin so that it doesn’t look like sin, per se, but more like just a character flaw. For example, with my body image, instead of outrightly saying, “God, I don’t like the body you’ve given me,” I put a spin on it and say “Well, I’m not content with my body because I’m not vigilant enough with diet and exercise.” Another example, Travis struggles with feeling jealous of other couples who have bought bigger, nicer houses than we did. Instead of outrightly saying, “God, the house You provided us isn’t good enough for me,” he spins it and says “Well, maybe we should have looked at foreclosures more. Maybe I made a poor real estate deal.” By putting the blame on ourselves, we can “get away with” being discontent in and with God (only in the sense that we don’t immediately recognize it as being discontent with God).

In the same way, I’ve put a spin on my struggle with life direction and career, etc. I’ve told myself, “Well, I’m the one who has to act. God can’t make my life be what He wants it to be if I’m being lazy and self-interested all the time.” Those excuses have been covering up my unbelief in God’s plan. Unbelief in His ability and willingness to guide my life. I pray for God to reveal His will for my life, all the while expecting for His will to look completely different than my life looks right now. Why? I haven’t consciously subverted God’s will. I’m not living in sin. Why would God’s will be different than my life right now? Whether I believe it or not, God is leading me.

I’ve also put this spin on my struggles with marriage. Instead of waiting upon God and turning to Him for help, I told myself, “Well, it’s my own sin that is causing these situations. How can I approach God for help with this when it’s all my fault in the first place?!?”

I realized over the weekend that I have been silently accusing God of not helping me–mostly in my marriage, but all areas of my life have been affected. I have been spinning my wheels, so to speak, in trying to better my marriage, my job, myself–for so long that I thought God and His Spirit had abandoned me to my own devices. If my marriage was going to improve or I was going to figure out my life, I was going to have to do it myself. Kay Warren wrote in her book, Dangerous Surrender, that Saddleback had been waiting for a church building of their own for 13 years. After many setbacks and hurdles, there was yet another. “Certainly we believed…in God’s timing…but eventually it got so old.” Certainly I believe in God’s power to sanctify and guide me…but being stuck and in the dark has gotten so old.

That’s where Elisabeth Elliot’s quote comes into play. I ask “Why?” and God says “Wait thou only upon God.” Don’t wait upon an answer, a breakthrough, a promotion, a better body, a better self–wait thou only upon God.

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God’s love is so real

7 Feb

Have I told you that I love Saturday mornings? I love being able to spend as much time reading the Bible, listening to worship songs, and praying as I want, without having to worry about being late to work.

Today was even better than usual. This past week has been rough. If you read my blog regularly, you know that my job has been a frustrating situation. You also probably know that I have been wondering what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

What you may not know is that I have also been struggling in my marriage.

Travis and I are very different people in more ways than one. This is not news. While we were dating, I would’ve said that I loved the fact that we were so different because it made life interesting.

Well, it certainly does add drama.

Travis is a very playful, fun-loving guy. He likes to make jokes, quote movies, sing silly songs, and slap my butt. He creates his own words. He plays with his way-too-long-right-now hair by combing it over to the side (so he looks like a computer nerd).

I can be playful too. But since getting married, I have not been. Instead, all the things listed above have driven me up the wall. Every time he sings a song, I ask him to stop. When he slaps my butt, I get angry. When he quotes movie lines, I roll my eyes. When he pulls his hair down in a peak over his forehead, I muss it up because I can’t stand looking at it.

My seemingly unending annoyance at Travis has been a source of inner turmoil. I don’t like that I feel that way about my husband. What happened to me loving his sense of humor and playful ways? What happened to make me turn into this stern, cold-hearted, serious biatch?

Things have admittedly gotten better over the year and 8 months that we’ve been married. I am little by little learning to love all of Travis. But for the past few weeks, I have been drowning in my failures. Feeling miserable. Wondering how our marriage ended up like this. Confused about how to change the situation. Feeling doubtful about being able to do so even if I did know how. Lacking hope that anything would ever get better. Wanting to give up.

Last night, a series of events happened that brought all of this to a head. I asked Travis to make part of dinner so I could shower after working out. As I walked by the kitchen, he tossed the bag of frozen vegetables to me (because he thinks that sort of thing is fun). I was annoyed (big surprise) and confused about why he would think such a thing is fun so I threw it back a little harder than I should have. That small situation was a big reminder of how different Travis and I are. I got into the shower silently shouting at God, “Why are we so different?!?!? How can I live like this?!?!?”

Then we went to see Australia starring Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. As we were walking out of the theater, I mentioned to Travis that the movie was way too long for me (2.5 hours). “Well that’s pretty much how long every movie is these days,” he replied. “No, they’re more like 1.5 to 2 hours long,” I said. “Oh ok, 2 hours as compared to 2 and a half. Sorry,” he retorted.

Angry and annoyed at Travis, I stopped talking, except for a few short sentences repeating my sentiment that the movie was way too long. We were almost home before Travis emerged from zoning out (which he does often) and realized that I hadn’t been talking. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

How to answer that? There were so many thoughts racing through my head. I was overwhelmed by our differences and losing hope that we would ever be able to reconcile them. Were we doomed to this distance between us for the rest of our lives?

I asked Travis if he ever felt overwhelmed by how different we are. “Not really,” he said. “But I’m guessing that you do?”

I couldn’t answer with words. I just started crying. I couldn’t fix our marriage and yet it wasn’t at all what I wanted it to be like. What was I supposed to do about it?

I laid down on the couch when we got home and Travis kneeled beside me. I completely lost it. My body was racked with grief and Travis just simply pulled me to his chest. It was the absolute best feeling in the world, to be so utterly broken and sinful, yet so utterly loved at the same time. Crying made me feel better (as it always does), yet I went to bed still feeling helpless and hopeless, begging to God to do something to remedy the situation.

He did just that this morning. I’ve been studying Romans in my quiet times and I have been in Romans 5 this past week. The verses about suffering, endurance, character and hope really spoke to me, because I feel like I have been suffering for a long time, at my own hand.

Today I was focused on hope. What is hope? Hope is trusting God, banking on God, resting in God. David writes in Psalm 62, “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.” God is the source of our hope. And our hope is based on His love for us, demonstrated physically in Christ’s death on the cross and demonstrated spiritually every day in the provision of the Holy Spirit.

It is through suffering and trials that God forges our hope in Him.

And hoping in God is not a foolish thing. God and our relationship to and with Him is the ultimate reality of this universe. Whenever I find myself doubting the relevance of the gospel, I have to come back to this fact. The gospel is more real than anything else in this world. The gospel IS Reality.

God reminded me through Romans 5 that I still have hope, because I still have God.

As I prayed about that truth and confessed that I had sinfully given up hope, I realized that I had been trying to “fix” my life on my own. In my marriage, at work, with my life purpose. I was trying to make everything be the way I wanted it to be, the way I thought it should be. And when it continued to go the way I didn’t want it to go, I lost hope. Because while I had prayed for God’s help, I hadn’t actually sought it.

I see now that instead of making my life, marriage, and job be what I want it to be, I should be asking myself what God wants it to be. My marriage and its struggles aren’t arbitrary. God chose my husband and He is choosing our trials for a reason–my eternal good. Instead of accepting the way my marriage is and the way my job is, I have been bucking them, saying that they weren’t what I wanted. I wanted something different. I was bitter and resentful–toward Travis and Phil, I thought. Really, I was bitter and resentful toward God. He is the one determining my life and circumstances. He is the one who has placed me where I am at this time, with these specific problems and challenges. He has handpicked these trials for me to go through, so that He can forge my hope in Him.

Fully offering my life up to the Lord means accepting every little thing from His hand, even the annoying things. It means asking myself daily, moment by moment, “What does God want for me and from me?” instead of asking “What do I want for me?” It means dying to myself, my desires, my expectations, my feelings, and in turn, living for God’s.

I cried hard again this morning, humbled and awed by God’s faithfulness and love. That He would take me through the darkness so that He could bring me out into the light. Just as Travis held me last night while I was crying, God holds me close whenever my heart is broken. He hurts when I hurt. But He knew that to make me better, He had to allow me to be hurt first. 

My heart echoes David’s when he said, “This God–his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?” (Psalm 18:30-31)

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Picture Perfect Success

28 Feb

For my job as Creative Resources Coordinator, I work a lot with pictures of our resources. Who would’ve thought, right? Well, the whole desktop publishing/Photoshop thing isn’t my training. I know more about it than the average Joe (or Josephina in my case I guess) but overall, it’s been “Here’s what you have to do…figure it out as you go.”

So I was very proud of myself today when I made a collage of our conference preview incentives. I downloaded the product images from their respective websites, made a logo with transparent background, placed the logo on the product, made the product’s background transparent (that alone is a feat for me), AND placed all the products into one file as a collage. And the collage had an transparent background. Man I’m good!! At the end of it all, I really couldn’t believe that I had done it. I’m learning!

I also devoted my time tonight (since Travis is still gone) to updating my Picasa web album with all the pictures that had just been sitting on my computer that I never use anymore (because it is slower than molasses). So check them out! Voila–pictures galore!

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