Tag Archives: life

Learning to Rely on God – Part Two

4 Nov

Yesterday, I shared with you the first part of what learning to rely on God means to me. Here’s the second point.

2. Relying on God means having a humble, teachable spirit.

Several years ago, I prayed and asked God to help me live radically for Him. He has slowly answered that prayer by changing the way I approach spending my time and money, and helping me to focus on other people more than myself. But the practical changes He has prompted me to make over the years involved sacrifice and inconvenience. So instead of humbling myself and following God’s leading in faith, I rejected His promptings and proceeded to look for a different answer, an answer that was more convenient and would fit neatly into my nice little life. When I didn’t find that answer, I got frustrated, cynical and resentful. Of course, I didn’t see any of this while it was happening. At the time, it just seemed like God was making me question everything and giving me no answers.

Just the other day as I was typing out my rantings, I wrote,

“Just tell me how to live and I’ll live that way.”

God replied, “I am telling you how to live and you’re rejecting it.”

“Oh, that whole living by faith thing? Yeah, I meant the specifics.”

“You mean the ones that you could accomplish without me?”

“Um… yeah, those.”

“There aren’t any. The only way to truly live is with me. Living without me is death.”

“Hmmm… Still not the answer I was looking for.”

I’m beginning to realize that living radically for Christ is like working for a non-profit ministry. It sounds exciting. I imagine it making me feel deeply satisfied, fulfilled and reassured that I’m contributing to something bigger than myself. But while all of that may be true, when you’re actually working at the non-profit (as I did for 3 years), it just feels like a job. You come in the morning, sit at a desk for 8 hours, and then go home. The same feels true when God is actually showing you how to live radically – it feels very pedestrian and trite. Almost annoying. Like I want to groan and say, “Really? Does it really matter if I spend $10 on a pair of pants? Why can’t I have this one thing?”

God has obviously been telling me, “Yes, it does matter. Obey me even in the small things and I will bless you.”

Stay tuned for Part Three…

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Learning to Rely on God – Part One

3 Nov

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of my post You Can’t Object to Grace. In fact, I spent all day yesterday reading sermon transcripts from John Piper’s series on Galatians (which he delivered the year I was born…1983) and typing out the questions and thoughts swirling through my head.

And I stand corrected.

{source}

While I still believe that God’s love is completely unconditional toward us in Christ, and that our obedience to God is for our own good, it’s not entirely true to say that God doesn’t have any expectations or standards. It’s a little hard for me to comprehend how God’s grace fits in with the law, and how God has expectations of me even though Christ has fulfilled the law on my behalf, but my friend Cathy explained it using the analogy of her and her kids – she loves them unconditionally, regardless of whether they obey or disobey, but she still has expectations of them. She expects them to be nice to others, to share their toys, to learn math and spelling, to go to bed without throwing a hissy fit, etc. But whether they obey or disobey in those things doesn’t affect the deep love she has for them, because her love is based on her relationship with them as their mother.

I read a similar idea in a book called The Grace of God by Andy Stanley. He pointed out that God gave Moses and the Israelites the Ten Commandments and the rest of the law after He had already established a relationship with them by miraculously leading them out of Egypt and providing for them in the desert. Because the nation of Israel had been under Egyptian rule for the previous 300+ years, they had no idea how to govern themselves. The only kind of leadership they had witnessed was the tyrannical decisions of power-hungry Pharaohs. They lived in a society where many humans had no more rights than animals. So the law was actually God’s blessing to them. Instead of shackling them with rules, He was actually showing them how they could maintain the greatest freedom and live in a theocracy instead of under a king.

I’ve been having a hard time viewing God’s rules and expectations as freedom. They’ve actually felt more like a burden of guilt and a constant reminder of how much I suck at life. But I praise God for John Piper, who never compromises God’s holy, righteous, and just character. He never sugarcoats the gospel or the radical demands of Christ. And Christ’s demands are radical. They are jaw-dropping, mind-bending, comfort-destroying, and pride-shattering.

By listening to Piper, I have realized that God has purposely designed the Christian life to be impossible for us to accomplish on our own. 

God does have expectations and standards for us, but they’re not to make us strive harder and harder and fall on our faces in defeat, only to get up and try even harder, but to force us to realize that we have to rely on God for everything, including any growth in sanctification or success in “living the Christian life.” Even the Mosaic law wasn’t meant to promote salvation by works but to make us realize that we have to rely on God.

Since that is a phrase often thrown around, I want to elaborate on what relying on God means to me (and how I’ve been wrong for the past 4 years).

1. Relying on God means having faith in Christ’s atoning work on my behalf. 

This is the biggest realization I have had. Christ is the Answer. It always goes back to Christ’s work on my behalf.

Piper said something profound in another sermon I listened to last night: “The main battles in life… are battles to believe [in the person and work of Christ on the cross]. I mean really believe it—trust it, embrace it, cherish it, treasure it, bank on it, breathe it, shape your life by it.”

What I love the most about Piper’s sermons and books is that he emphasizes over and over that the inspiration, motivation, ability, strength, and passion to live the Christian life flow out of a heart that has been transformed by the gospel. I have to stop worrying about my life and trying to control everything, and go back to the basics of the gospel – that Christ died for me while I was His enemy; that He has paid for ALL of my sins and reconciled me to God; that I am God’s beloved daughter and He delights in me; and that His love for me in Christ is unconditional. Understanding that truth is where real freedom comes from.

Stay tuned for Parts 2 and 3…

 

 

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Life on repeat

7 Oct

Does anyone else feel like they learn the same lessons over and over and over again? But at the same time, they never actually learn them?

That’s the way I’m feeling. Amazingly, instead of being discouraged, I’m actually encouraged that God is still around, still being patient and reteaching me something I thought I had mastered six months or a year ago.

The last couple of years have revealed two important things about me:

1) I am a perfectionist to the core.

2) I am a pessimist.

It’s not really that surprising that those two things go hand in hand, since things have to be perfect for a perfectionist to be happy. And how often are things perfect?

My point exactly.

I completed Morning #2 of writing (2 for 2!) today and have already encountered a challenge: how to make my “life on repeat” or cyclical problems interesting to readers and not bore them into screaming, “She’s still struggling with that?!?!? I can’t take this anymore!” while they throw my book across the room (or delete it off their Kindle, which would be very less dramatic).

So it is with some risk that I repeat these words from previous blog posts, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because I seriously am struggling with the same thing again: expecting to be perfect and despairing when I’m not. The reminder is beneficial to me, and I hope, to you.

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From No such thing as perfect 8/24/09

My life will never be perfect. I will never feel like I’m on top of the world and am doing good at this whole Christian thing–at least, I shouldn’t feel that way and I definitely shouldn’t make it my aim to stay there.

Instead of letting my failures and insufficiency cripple me, I should let them humble me and lead me to the cross. Lead me to the One who is sufficient, so I don’t have to be. Lead me to the One who is perfect in my place. Lead me to the place where I can lay my burdens down and remember that “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Feeling like a failure doesn’t have to be a bad thing!! In fact, it can be one of the greatest blessings…because it reminds me that I am nothing without Christ.

Like Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I can be content with a messy house, piles of laundry and dirty dishes, a long and old TO-DO list, nails that need repainting, eyebrows that need plucking, plants that need watering, cars that need cleaning, books that haven’t been read, lessons that haven’t been learned, and pounds that haven’t been lost. I can be content with everything that makes my life a mess. I can be content with “my” schedule being “derailed” and God’s schedule being followed. I can be content with not being able to see how God is using me, knowing that surely He is doing whatever He pleases with my chaotic, unpredictable, so-not-a-routine kind of life.

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From Imperfect is good enough 12/9/10

{Holiday season is just around the corner!}

I need to let go of this idea that everything has to be perfect. My Christmas decorations can have a quirky doesn’t-quite-go-together kind of feel. I can do the exercises at the gym that I know how to do instead of following the newest “Bikini Body in 28 Days!” routine that involves twisting, pulling, jumping, and screaming (that might just be my version). I can read a few pages of a book before falling asleep at night. I can let the dishes pile up in the sink and do them tomorrow.

At the core of all of this is a belief that God is the one who has everything under control. He is the one who makes it all happen, not me. It is also believing that these things I have decided that I “have to do” don’t add or subtract anything to His love for me. He loves me the most He ever will right now, because He loves me with the same love with which He loves His Son, Jesus. Did you know that it actually says that in the Bible? John 17:23 says …”that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” That’s amazing.

It is Christ’s perfection that frees us to be imperfect, to be human, to not have it all together. That doesn’t mean we don’t try to do our best. It means we don’t get discouraged by failure or depressed by overwhelming odds. But we should walk through this victorious, knowing that “steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.” How I need so desperately to believe that truth in this season of my life! It is so easy to let these slight and momentary afflictions take my eyes off God and His sovereign goodness. But I mustn’t. I must keep looking to Him, trusting in Him, resting in Him. “I lift my eyes to the hills; where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.”

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My last (planned) race of the season is this Sunday! I am excited to not have any more races (which means more free weekends) and I’m also excited to start another training plan (which is good because I’m in for the long haul now). And then, drumroll please… only one more weekend with something planned (elk hunting) and it’s free weekends from then on! Woohoo!

Better yet, we might get out of going back to Minnesota for Thanksgiving and Christmas (although we might go early December instead for Matthew’s Eagle scout ceremony). I mean, love going back to see family but it is exhausting. It takes me weeks to recover from those trips. So I will only be slightly sad if we don’t go back. Plus, I really enjoyed celebrating Christmas just me and Travis last year. Right now, anything relaxing sounds like heaven.

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Marathon in 2012

22 Sep

Marathon Training Plan

So remember when I said I was excited to not have a training plan since triathlon season is over?

Well, that’s not really going to happen.

You see, I want to run this little thing they call a marathon in May 2012 (I’m eyeing the Stillwater Marathon in MN, which should be the last weekend of May). While I had been {stupidly} thinking that I could sit on my butt until January rolled around and then start a training plan, almost every website and person I’ve talked to has said that I need to be running 15-25 miles per week before I even start the training program. And since I’m not the world’s smartest runner, I guess I’ll trust them…

Since I’ve been training for triathlons and not concentrating on running, my weekly mileage has been somewhere in the single digits. Paltry. All of this means that to avoid injury, my marathon base building starts right after the Denver Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon Relay. Real marathon training starts on January 23.

To be honest, I’m kind of excited. Marathon, here I come! You will not evade me in 2012!

But since I have really missed doing yoga, pilates, the elliptical, and yes, even weight-lifting, my base-building plan includes 2 days of cross-training and strength training, 3 days of running (1 regular, 1 speed, 1 long), and 2 days of rest.

Base Training Plan

I think I can handle that.

For my marathon training plan, I used Hal Higdon’s Novice 1 Plan but I might sub out the runs on Monday for the same amount of cross-training, depending on how I feel. I think coming up with training plans is so stressful. I’m wary of running 4 days a week because I got injured last year from over-training. But if I don’t add in that extra day, my mileage won’t be that high. I decided to put the run on the schedule and will play it by ear whether that day should be an easy run or cross-training.

Like I have mentioned before, I am going to do things differently this year for marathon training. Last year, I signed up for the full Malibu marathon but ended up running the half because my IT band flared up. So as you will note on my training plan this time around, I will strength train. I will do speed work. I will stretch. I will cross-train (mostly on the bike and in the pool).

I posted these plans on my new marathon page for future reference.

I have discovered one more thing that I think will help me a lot:

Heart rate training.

I bought a heart rate monitor back in 2009 when I was training for my first triathlon. But I don’t use it like you’re supposed to. I only wear it to time my workouts and know how many calories I burned. And sometimes I like to look at my heart rate for fun.

Well, since things have slowed down at work and I just read the SELF cover story featuring Lauren Graham, I’ve been doing a little research about why staying in your aerobic zone is so beneficial. Here’s what I found:

The more work you perform aerobically, or in the presence of oxygen, the more efficient you are. Prolonged aerobic training produces muscular adaptations that improves oxygen transport to the muscles, reduces the rate of lactate formation, improves the rate of lactate removal, and increases energy production and utilization. These adaptations occur slowly over time.

So why haven’t I been doing this? I asked myself.

The hard part of base training is having the discipline to train at these low intensities. It may mean running very slowly or even walking. It may mean separating from your training group in order to pursue your individual goals. It also means avoiding the contest of egos that group training often turns into. If you can find a training partner with similar goals and fitness level you may be able to train with them, but more often than not what I see is a base work gone awry. Even spending short amounts of time above your aerobic zone degrades the work out.

The area between the top of the aerobic threshold and anaerobic threshold is somewhat of a no mans land of fitness. It is a mix of aerobic and anaerobic states. For the amount of effort the athlete puts forth, not a whole lot of fitness is produced. It does not train the aerobic or anaerobic energy system to a high degree. This area does have its place in training; it is just not in base season. Unfortunately this area is where I find a lot of athletes spending the majority of their seasons, which retards aerobic development. The athletes heart rate shoots up to this zone with little power or speed being produced when it gets there. {source}

Hmmmm… so you’re saying that I’m such a slow runner because I’ve been refusing to say in my aerobic zone? You mean I have to slow down to get faster? I can do that.

Based on a few different calculators I found for Maximum Heart Rate (MHR), mine seems to be somewhere around 195. That means my Aerobic Zone is somewhere around 157 – 171. My heart rate is usually around 160-165 during a regular run, so that’s good.  Easy recovery runs are supposed to be done in the Fat Burning Zone: 143 – 157 beats per minute. I hardly ever do runs that slow.

I hope this knowledge impacts the way I train – so that I can make sure to not overdo things and see the benefits promised by aerobic training. And if it doesn’t, oh well. I’m just doomed to be slow.

I would, however, like to keep up the pace I have been running (11 min/mile) and possibly even improve that. I think the strength and cross training are going to be key.

Now I just need to find the motivation to finish my training plan for this blasted half marathon relay! We found out that it’s not split into two 10Ks – the first leg is 7.8 miles, the second is 5.3. So Travis decided to do the first leg. I can’t lie – I’m relieved. It’s not that I’m sick of training – it’s that I’m sick of trying to balance everything and constantly strategize about when to fit workouts in. I have so much other stuff that I want to (and have to) be doing! (What really should go is this job thing. 😉 ) But I’ve been thinking – working out is not only important because of my athletic aspirations, it’s also important because it keeps me healthy and enables me to keep up with the other areas of my life. So behind God, my husband and church (oh and work), exercising has to be a priority. No matter what else doesn’t get done.   

Any advice for me on my marathon training?

Do you pay attention to your heart rate during training?

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Hiking is Humbling.

16 Sep

It’s no secret that I’m not a fast swimmer, biker or runner. When I tell people that I do triathlons, I always mention that I do them “for fun” and not for “breaking any records.” When people ask if I did well in a particular race, I usually say, “Yes… for me,” I guess to avoid the misrepresentation that I won an award or something.

And for the most part, I’ve come to accept the fact that I will never be “fast” relative to other triathletes. I mean, the female winners from these races do the swim in less than 1/2 the time it takes me (I’m too lazy to figure out what their speed is), their average bike pace is usually somewhere around 20 mph, and their average run pace is somewhere around 6-7 minutes/mile. Yeah, I can’t compete with that.

So what’s an athlete like me to do?

It all comes down to the PRs – Personal Records. Trying to better your time for a certain distance. This presents a problem with the sprint triathlon distance, as hardly any race is the same as the next (though the most official distance is exactly half of an Olympic).

Yeah, I haven’t been good at that either. My half marathon times have progressively gotten slower and my triathlon times are pretty much in that boat as well.

Ok, I can deal with that. I’m still getting out there, having a good time. Plus, I’m willing to sacrifice the PRs in order to maintain my sanity and balance.

But then there are situations that just steam me. Like hiking on the Eaglesmere Trail. Or hiking Pancake Rocks. Or hiking in North Carolina.

Ok, hiking in general.

I’ve said it many times before and I’ll keep saying it – I can be in the best shape of my life and still cough, wheeze, and drag up a hill on a hike.

And it pisses me off.

It’d be one thing if the hike was challenging and everyone else was coughing, wheezing and dragging up right with me. But no, they’re just floating up the hill, without a single bead of sweat staining their brow or even so much as a slight increased need for oxygen.

Ok, maybe that’s just Travis.

But seriously, whenever I go hiking, it seems like everyone else is in better shape than I am. 

Which also would be fine if I knew that they were. If they were out there running marathons and doing Ironmans, and busting out 10 hours of intense exercise a week, I’d hand it to them. I’d applaud them.

But usually they’re not.

Usually they’re like Travis – they do intentional exercise 2-3 times a week, but usually only for about 30-45 minutes.

Sometimes they don’t exercise regularly at all.

And then here I come, all puffed up with my “I just did an Olympic triathlon” and “I ran 7 miles 3 weeks ago” attitude, and wilt like a frickin’ popsicle on pavement walking up the hill.

These were my thoughts during our NC Labor Day hike:

Wait, isn’t this a lower elevation than Denver? Doesn’t that mean I should be able to sprint all the way to the top?

Wait, isn’t Sarah pregnant? Didn’t she just say that she hasn’t worked out in 4 months due to nausea? How then is she beating me up this hill?

I did not handle that situation well in the moment. Instead, I got huffy as I puffed slowly up the mountain. I eventually got over it at the top but I’d like to eventually get over it before it starts.

I mean, this is a ridiculous problem. But such is the nature of pride. You try to squelch it in one form, and it pops up in another. Just as soon as I came to grips with being a slow triathlete, I became enraged at being a slow hiker.

My mentally unstable way of thinking is that I’ve put so much effort and time into getting to where I am today that it is totally unfair that other people (like my husband) are so naturally athletic. Travis could sit on the couch for a month and go out and run faster than I could if I did intense speed work for 6 months. (Ok, this is just a conjecture because Travis couldn’t sit still that long and I will never do intense speed work for 6 months. But still, I’m pretty sure it’s true.)

But in the end, my hiking handicap is really a blessing in disguise. If it hadn’t been for my completely unnecessary anger outburst in North Carolina, I wouldn’t have come to the realization (yet again) that my identity is wrapped up in how “athletic” and “in shape” I am. I want people’s praise for doing triathlons. I want people to think I’m a mean, lean, triathloning machine. I don’t want them to see that I still struggle up the side of a hill or that I’m not invincible. I don’t want to show weakness.

God knows that I constantly go to things other than Him to try to prove that I’m worth something, that I’m someone special (try being the operative word). But that way of life will leave me constantly dissatisfied and jealous of other people. Instead of being able to appreciate the talents God has given other people, I end up scheming in the corner about how to make myself just as good (or drowning my sorrows over not being just as good).

I’m like this with a number of things: clothes, success, body size. Measuring myself against others. Feeling good if I measure up. Feeling horrible if I don’t.

Our women’s book study just started at church for the fall and I chose to go through Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick. I’m really praying that this study will help free me from these struggles (because regardless of the specific struggle, it all comes from the same source of dissatisfaction) and release me into the freedom of embracing who God created me to be – body shape, quirks, slowness and all – in order that I might appreciate and love others for who they are. God has made each of us unique masterpieces (like snowflakes!) and I am missing out if I can’t appreciate another woman without competing with her.

Hopefully I’ll have some updates later on.

As for the triathlon tomorrow, I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do it. You’ll have to stay tuned!

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Running on full tilt

15 Sep

{source}

These little gals are in our freezer right now.

Which is the reason why my weekend of relaxation didn’t quite turn out how I had hoped. I started Saturday off nice and slow with time in the Word and a cup of coffee. Around 10, I went shopping with my full list of things to buy and plan of attack. After stopping at the pet store, the fabric store, Walmart and the mall, I finally made it home around 3:30. Guess who else made it home then too? Travis.

While I was excited to see him, I was not excited about the reason why he was home so early: he had shot 2 antelope that morning. TWO. Bah!

Luckily, he was exhausted from dragging and butchering them so instead of working on the meat Saturday night, we went out to eat at El Tapatio (where I had the world’s most unappealing taco salad) and then watched Iron Man 2. I had gotten up at 6 am so I fell asleep about halfway through.

Sunday morning, I got up around 7 and got the housewarming present for our friends together (to give to them after church). Then we went to church, came home and ate lunch, and got started on the meat.

Ah, the meat. Travis suggested that I help him cut it up. I told him that cutting it up would make me really not want to eat it. (I’m not a huge fan of antelope meat – which is why I’m not excited about him shooting two of them!) So I stuck to my usual job: vacuum sealing, which is gross enough. Except our vacuum sealer wasn’t working right. After much frustration over not being able to get the bag to seal before stuffing it, and going to Target and Walmart in search of new bags, I then read the directions and discovered I was using the machine wrong. Whoops.

But even after I learned the right way, the machine was struggling. It took forever to suck the air out and then once it sealed the bag, all the air somehow seeped back in so it was sealed, just not vacuum sealed. We weren’t too worried about it because we’re going to thaw it again in a month to grind it up when Travis and his family hopefully shoot an elk (I am a HUGE fan of elk meat).

Anyway, by the time we finished the meat, Travis had to leave for his work trip. I vacuumed the house, then went on a fabulous 6-mile run (running the last 3 miles at a 10:00/mile pace!). By the time I got back and did some strength training, it was 8:30. Time for bed.

So, weekend of relaxation – not so much. It was still good, just not what I had envisioned.

Then this week has been crazy busy – I had dinner with my aunt-in-law on Monday night, had Women’s Book Study Tuesday night, and then last night, I was supposed to go to care group. Except that I got a flu-ish type sickness and had to leave work at 1 pm. So I didn’t go to care group. I laid on the couch from 1:30 on, only getting up to eat the pizza I ordered and trying to sleep in my bed (one of the very few times I couldn’t get to sleep in the middle of the day).

I’m feeling better today but I’m still not 100%. If I didn’t have a crap ton of work to do at work (a blessing and a curse right now), I totally would’ve stayed home. Although I got ridiculously bored yesterday doing nothing. Travis took our laptop with him on his trip and I don’t have the muse to muscle through using our antique desktop. So that’s why I haven’t blogged this week.

The Crescent Moon Sprint Tri is this Saturday. I don’t know right now if I’m going to do it or not. I can’t imagine doing a triathlon while sick is enjoyable. Plus, I get the race sweatshirt either way. 😉

Anyway, life = crazy busy right now. SO READY FOR IT TO SLOW DOWN. Obviously, my body is saying that as well. Bah.

 

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Pay no attention to the cowpies behind the curtain.

1 Sep

I feel like I am finally at a point in life/maturity/Christian growth that I can focus on my marriage because I want to and not because “I probably should.” That never lasts as I’ve found. I mean, it’s not hard to find marriage advice. Marriage is hard and everyone has their own theory as to what works. Well, newsflash. It isn’t cut and dry. There is no black and white, cookie cutter “This is what you do for a good marriage.” There are principles, yes. But the nitty gritty details specific to your marriage take a bit longer to hash out.

That’s where Travis and I are.

While our first year of marriage was extremely rough, things have gotten progressively better over the last 3 years. I personally have made grand strides just since March of 2010, when Travis and I were going to be apart for 3 weeks and I was like, So? Travis said it was unacceptable. That incident made me realize that I was kind of a cold-hearted bitch when it came to my husband. Through much prayer and grace from God, I have made it to where I am now – still a work in progress but trying more and more each day to make sure my husband knows that I love and appreciate him.

As I’ve been reading the Bible and some marriage books, I have felt God leading me to focus on a few specific things. The first is my speech. I am horrible at not only guarding my mouth from saying stupid, hurtful things in the heat of the  moment but also at affirming Travis or wording things in a way that he would receive well.

But I have two amazing examples of grace from just last week! The first was during the week when Travis was out in Utah. He called to ask if it would be ok if he stayed out there another week because he still didn’t have anything to do back in Denver. My normal response would’ve been either, “Yeah, sure whatever.” or “Ugh, that means I have to keep watering the yard!” My response last week was, “Sure, that’s fine. I mean, I’ll definitely miss you but I understand that it’s important for your job that you’re billable.” What a difference, both in my words and in my heart!

The second example is from Saturday when I was talking to Travis on the phone about the Focus crapping out on the way to Steamboat. I wanted to complain and exaggerate the situation by saying, “Freaking A – this is why I just want to get rid of the Focus and get a different car. We should’ve at least taken the Check Engine light seriously instead of just waiting for it to go off by itself.” Somehow in that moment, I had the clarity and foresight to know that saying that would have made Travis feel horrible, like he had failed me. He has said numerous times that he would feel better knowing that I had a reliable car, a bigger car with 4-wheel drive, etc. So instead, I simply said, “I’m very frustrated right now.” I was still honest, but in a way that didn’t aggravate the situation by pinning the blame on Travis.

Both of those advancements were inspired by reading the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. If you’re married and haven’t read it, I recommend you do so. As you can see, it’s been an eye-opener for me!

The second thing I’ve felt God leading me to focus on is making Travis a priority. I have had a tendency to just let Travis fit in wherever in my life, instead of molding my life around him. While I’ve been mildly majorly obsessed with thinking about my life, what I want to accomplish, and what I’m doing to do, I have spent hardly any time thinking about how I can be a better wife, create a warming and inviting home, and support my husband’s ambitions. How can I help Travis succeed? had never been a conscious thought in my head. 

Both Travis and I have also been guilty of letting chores, obligations and hobbies rob us of intentional time with one another. On weekends, we’ve started asking one another, “What are you planning to do today?” instead of “What should we do today?” While Travis and I are independent people, and I’m glad that we have different hobbies and responsibilities within our family, I think it would do us good to be intentional about spending time together, just the 2 of us, doing something fun and out of the ordinary – like taking a walk, going on a picnic, doing something new, visiting a new restaurant, etc.

Another aspect of making Travis a priority and focusing on our marriage is making time for romance and sex. The biggest source of conflict in our marriage has been different styles of physical affection. That got a lot better after the first year but I think one unfortunate side effect of that has been we just aren’t physically affectionate anymore. God is slowly revealing to me that I have some unresolved issues with my sexual past. I hesitate or refuse to do certain things because I associate them with the promiscuous lifestyle I had before I became a Christian. Therefore, I haven’t felt complete freedom with Travis. Even just knowing this has brought about healing.

The more I learn about marriage and my husband, the more I’m convinced that the biggest thing that I’ve learned in marriage is that I can’t do anything right without God. Marriage has shown me what an incredibly mean, selfish, crabby, stubborn, pig-headed, messed up person I am apart from His work in my life and it is only by God’s grace that our marriage is what it is today. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I have no idea how people make it through marriage without Christ. No idea whatsoever. I don’t think I would have. If I had not believed in something bigger than our marriage, if I had not believed that the Author of the universe had been in control of bringing Travis and I together, I think the first year of our marriage would have done us in.

But praise be to Christ, we weren’t done in. And He has brought me from wondering if I even still loved Travis to this place of being so incredibly, authentically thankful to have my wonderful, amazing husband in my life and growing to appreciate him more and more each day. It’s felt like a long journey (I know those who have been married 20+ years would say we’re still newlyweds!) but it’s been worth it.

If any of you readers are in a place where marriage is rough and you’re wondering who the heck this person is that you married, I just wanted to offer these words from John Piper, Pastor for Preaching at Bethlehem Baptist Church. They really encouraged when I first heard them when Travis and I were engaged and I have thought back to them often throughout our marriage. Even if you’re not struggling, they’re still true! The truth of them is even more evident to me today than it was then.

Picture your marriage as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies. Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.

But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true, but it feels like that’s all there is—cow pies. I think the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. And here you begin to shovel the cow pies. You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then, we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of field that is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs make ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is the gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved. {source}

Such a good reminder to focus on all the good things. Even if the only good thing you can think of is that he brushes his teeth in the morning, or goes to work and earns a paycheck. Start appreciating the small things and God will grow your affections. My life and heart – and ultimately, my marriage – is living proof of this.

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A New Blog Name

23 Aug

Because it’s been a while since I lasted changed my blog name, I decided to change it again.

Just kidding.

But seriously, I did change it again.

Here’s why:

I decided on the name Joy in Being Broken back when I was really questioning my life, my relationship with God, and learning some hard lessons. 99% of my blog posts were about what I was learning and struggling through – I used this blog like a public journal, a space to put my thoughts into order.

While I’m still (obviously) a broken person in need of a Savior, I expanded the scope of my blog when I decided to stop maintaining my old triathlon blog and I just didn’t feel like the old blog name was the right fit anymore.

I have been trying to come up with a new name for the past couple of months. A few ideas I had:

From the Inside Out

My Whole Self

Healthy Inside and Out

Girl + God

But none of them screamed “This is it!” Until I had an epiphany today with this current name: Life, Really.

This name resonated with me for 2 reasons:

1) Like I mentioned last week, I am committed to being an authentic blogger. I don’t sugarcoat things, I don’t hide things and I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. This blog is about my life as it really is.

2) Jesus said in John 10, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” I didn’t know what life was really about until I knew Jesus. So my spiritual posts also reveal what life is, really.

As for the tagline, I chose:

  • “Authentic” for Reason #1 above.
  • “Journey” because, like I mentioned in my last new blog name post, life is a journey: “You grow, you shrink, you step forward, you step backward, you succeed, you fail. But through it all, those who have Christ, have ‘a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain [into the presence of the Father], where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf…’ (Hebrews 6:19-20).”
  • “Faith” because Christ the center of my life and my reason for living.
  • “Fitness” because I love being active and blogging about my athletic feats. 🙂
  • “Fun” because I believe God wants us to enjoy our time here on earth with our family and friends

“And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (John 17:3).

What do you think about my new blog name?

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A Day in the Life

19 Aug

I always find it interesting to see what other people’s days look like (shoutout to SUAR!) so here’s one of mine (though not every day involves so much dog drama, clothes changing, and bean throwing. 🙂)

2:45 am — Get up to pee and decide to let the dogs out while I’m up. Charlie does not go. Go back to bed.

4:30 — Hear dogs moving around. Get up and feed them so I can leave them in the laundry room. Go back to bed.

4:45 — Hear dogs whining. Get up and let them out of the laundry room. Go back to bed.

4:50 — Realize that Charlie might have to pee now so get up to take her outside. She doesn’t go.

4:55 — Come back inside to see that Charlie didn’t go outside because she had already gone inside, right after getting out of the laundry room. Clean pee up and go back to bed.

6:00 — Alarm goes off for the first time.

7:00 — Finally get up after many, many hits to the snooze button, and eat breakfast.

“Do I look like a trouble maker?”

“Not to me.”

7:15 — Evaluate my hair in the mirror and decide to wash it. Hop in the shower.

7:25 — Do my hair and makeup.

7:40 — Get dressed in Outfit #1.

7:50 — Set up iron and ironing board for wrinkly shirt. Make lunch and snacks while waiting for iron to heat up.

From left to right: banana; Laughing Cow Sun-dried Tomato & Basil cheese; Triscuits; Colorado peach; 2 clementines; leftover Baked Mac & Cheese; spinach salad with craisins, feta, almonds and poppyseed dressing; and bing cherries. (For the record, I didn’t eat the clementines or peach and I ate the banana right before our swim.)

8:00 — Iron shirt and promptly decide to change out of the skirt.

8:03 — Get dressed in Outfit #2.

Eh. Not feelin’ it.

8:07 — Get dressed in Outfit #3. Winner. (Or I just no longer care.)

8:10 — Sit down for a short time in the Word.

8:25 — Make iced coffee while talking to the husband.

8:33 — Leave for work.

9:05 — Arrive at work. Our campus is comprised of four buildings like this one:

The desk where I will spend the next 8 mind-numbing hours being extremely bored:

At least the campus is pretty:

3:00 pm — Actually have work to do! Last 2 hours fly by.

5:05 — Time to go home! Traffic is bad but there are pretty views.

I can see Denver from my car!

5:35 — Arrive home. Let pooches out to pee while I check on our zucchini jungle garden.

Mmm… sweet cherry tomatoes.

Yes, our winter squash grew through the fence.

5:45 — Feed pooches. Travis gets home.

6:00 — Decide to do an open water swim so we change and leave.

6:35 — Get to Big Soda swimming beach.

The water’s actually not that bad once you get used to it. Decide that the water is too choppy for an extended swim (hello, water up the nose!) so do roughly 750 yards and get out.

7:10 — Drive home and take a shower to rid me of algae and stank. Eat Stacy’s Pita Chips while writing grocery store list.

7:40 — Travis takes dogs for a ride to the auto parts store and I go to the grocery and liquor stores to buy some dinner necessities.

8:15 — Get home and start making dinner (Spicy Crab Salad) while Travis grills some corn on the cob and waters the lawn.

8:20 — Crack open a glorious Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade. Hits the spot.

8:35 — Finally sit down to dinner. Delicious!

8:55 — Leave the dinner table in a huff after an intense debate on whether healthy eating involves carbs (one of those conversations where Travis and I probably agree but just can’t seem to communicate in a way that we both understand).

9:00 — Make Travis not do the dishes because he faked throwing my black beans in the garbage. (Hey – I was angry and nonsensical and didn’t want any innocent food to meet an unfortunate end.)

9:10 — Dishes done. Watch Downsized for a bit, feeling pretty good about our financial choices.

9:45 — Decide I need to go to bed so brush my teeth, make the bed (I can’t stand getting in a messy bed!), and soon after, Travis follows.

10:30 — Finally asleep, after laying awake thinking about what we’re going to do with the dogs on our upcoming trips, what my Warrior Dash outfit is going to look like, and how nervous I am to freeze my butt off during the Oly Tri in just a little over a week.

Whew!

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The Future, as Yet Uncertain

17 Aug

I feel a buzz of anticipation in my life. Some of it comes from goals I am looking forward to accomplishing. Some of it comes from major life milestones being realized. Some of it comes from knowing exactly what I want to do with my life.

There are 5 things in particular:

1. Running my first full marathon in 2012

I tried (and failed) last year because I was stupid about training. Not next year! I will train smart and I will cross the finish line! (Which marathon is TBD.)

2. Moving back to Minnesota (in 2013?)

As we were driving home from our Minnesota vacation, Travis and I started talking about seriously moving back to Minnesota. We thought about what we would need to do to our house to make it sellable, where he would look for jobs, what cities we would be interested in moving to, when we would shoot to move (anytime but the winter!), etc. These practical considerations made the idea so much more real and got us both really excited. While we love Colorado, our hearts belong to Minnesota (and to our families).

I most look forward to seeing our family more than twice a year and even seeing our extended family on a more regular basis (instead of every 3-4 years!). These also have me excited: seeing more fall colors than just green and yellow; spending time on the lakes; having a bigger yard for the dogs to run around in; and watching lots and lots of hockey games.

3. Getting pregnant (in 2012?)

Starting a family has been one of those things that over the years, Travis and I have continued to put off, saying, “It’ll be a few more years.” At that rate, I’d be 40 before we’d have our first! Since we are in agreement about wanting at least 3 kids, age 35 marks the start of high risk pregnancies, and I just turned 28 in July, I told Travis it’s getting to be “about that time.” So we are tentatively planning to start trying in July 2012 and who knows from there?

Along with that…

4. Being a mother (in 2013?)

I don’t know how long it will take us to get pregnant but this would be the ideal timeline. Then, I’d be having our first child at 30. Which is old enough, I say.

Having kids feels like the last real step in becoming an adult. Even though I am 28, I don’t feel 28. Sometimes, I’m still shocked that we own a house, we’ve been married for over 4 years, I have a well-paying job, and I am old enough to be a mother (and have been for some time). Some day, I could be entrusted with a kid of my own (here’s asking God!). It boggles the mind.

As a mother, I am hoping to either stay home full-time or work only part-time. My mom had the privilege (and yes, I consider it a privilege because not every family can afford it!) of doing this when I was growing up and I have so many great memories of being with her all day, every day.

5. Being a published author (in ????)

Being back in a 9-to-5 in corporate America definitely has its perks. And for the most part, I enjoy what I’m doing (regardless of the fact that I’m crawling the walls with boredom). But it’s not what I really want to do. I’ve had countless conversations with my mom about this. She’s offered me many helpful ideas that I’ve seriously thought about. But none of them seem to be it.

Then I listened to the audio book of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. He wrote (read?) something like, “When you find what you’re really supposed to be doing, you’ll encounter resistance.” That is exactly how I feel about writing. Anyone who has read my blog from the beginning (I am probably the only one 🙂 ) knows that I have always wanted to write, but have continued to listen to the doubts, the fears, and the reasons why I will never be a published author.

But if you asked me, “If you could do anything with your life, what would you do?” The answer hands-down, 24 x 7, no doubt in my mind: “I’d write.” And not just write anything (because as a copywriter, I am currently writing for a living). But write about what I feel passionate about, what I feel like God has given to me to tell to the world — which happens to be mostly about my life and the lessons I’ve learned.

Yes, I’ve struggled with the whole “That sounds really vain” objection. Who cares about my life? Who am I to say that I’ve learned enough to teach others? But I can’t escape the fact that writing is my passion and so is God, faith, and what I’ve learned from making SO MANY mistakes. I honestly believe that God has given me this desire and my writing material, and I have to step out in faith to pursue the dream He’s inspired.

So what’s different this time? How am I going to overcome the tendency I have to get wrapped up in the busyness of life, push writing to the side and say, “Yeah, I still want to write but I just don’t have time.” Well, self, I have news for you:

If you don’t make time, you’ll never find time.

And if you don’t find time, you will never be an author. An author, by definition, writes.

Are you really willing to compromise your dream in order to do the dishes? Are you really willing to long for this aspiration to come to fruition but never work for it? Are you willing to put hours upon hours of training into a race that is done in 2 hours instead of investing in what could become your career?

This is life fulfillment we’re talking about here.

The reason why you were put here on this earth, the person you were created to be.

Don’t you dare take this lightly.

I am done with making excuses, with being half-heartedly invested in writing. I don’t care if I get published by Crossway. Or Doubleday. I don’t care if I have to self-publish or print on demand. I don’t care if I only make an e-book and sell it for $.99 to Kindle users. The bottom line is, I need to take my writing ambitions seriously. Because if I don’t, no one else will. And I will continue to gaze through the misty cloud of future hopes, wishing I could be a writer.

And I have a plan. Once triathlon training is done and I have 4-5 more hours a week, I am going to write. I am going to determine a set time, most likely in the morning when I’m most apt to stick with it, and sit down and force myself to write for at least 15 minutes. This is great advice for writers. Don’t wait until the inspiration hits you. Write now. Even if it’s crap (which it probably will be). Eventually, something good will come out of you.

Another great piece of advice I’ve heard (that I might even frame and hang up at my desk) is this:

The Secret to Success: Disconnect Yourself from the Outcome

Writer’s block often comes from worrying that what you write will be crap, no one will read it, and you’ll just be a writer wannabe. This happened to me when I was working on my book at the beginning of this year. I was too concerned about the outcome to focus on the process. So I just need to let it go, trusting that God will help me write my best.

So here’s my BHAG (Big hairy audacious goal):

Be done writing my book on walking by the Spirit by the end of this calendar year.

There will be more on this once my Olympic triathlon is over (just a little over a week left!).

Of course, in the midst of all these exciting goals or milestones, I recognize that God is the one in control of my life and that any one of these things could not happen, or happen differently than I am anticipating right now. But this is my assurance through it all:

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

 

What are you looking forward to over the next couple of years? Any big life changes or BHAGs?

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