Tag Archives: life

A Blogger’s Manifesto

16 Aug

This morning, as I was contemplating writing a post about why I love blogging and what I strive to be as a blogger, I stumbled across the Blogger’s Manifesto website. They read my mind! So of course, I had to sign their honor roll and grab a badge for my site. If you’re in Reader, check it out.

The tenet of the Blogger’s Manifesto that I agree with the most is:

Be Authentic.

This has been the driving force behind my blog since Day One (which happened to be January 15, 2008). Do I understand that my religious beliefs might not appeal to (and may even repel) those who happen upon my blog for triathlon-related information? Yes. Do I realize that my crazy exercise habits might inspire some yawns or cringes from those who had been reading for my spiritual insights? Yep. Do I believe that there are other people out there, just like me, who are dedicated to both faith AND fitness? Definitely!

Instead of catering to the masses in an attempt to garner a bigger following (and believe me, this is definitely tempting!), I have resolved to remain true to myself and my beliefs by being honest and by sharing the truths about the gospel that not everyone wants to hear. I believe God is more honored by my not wavering from the truth than  by my chasing after subscribers for my own ego.* If I stopped blogging about God and my faith, I would no longer be authentic. Because God is my life.

This is also what I love most about reading other people’s blogs: authenticity. Getting a glimpse into other people’s lives. Connecting over common struggles and sharing in their victories. Offering advice and support. Being inspired to appreciate beauty and music. Having my horizons expanded. Gaining the courage to go after goals and challenges that once seemed impossible.

Travis thinks it’s weird that I read other people’s blogs, specifically people that I don’t know in real life and probably never will. He looks at it the same way as being obsessed with celebrities – that I must be so discontent with my own life that I have to live vicariously through reading about other people’s. Totally not true. In fact, I love my life. I feel very blessed by God to be where I am, doing what I’m doing. But I also love hearing about other people’s lives. I think this is a natural thing. Humans long for connection. We want to hear that other people are going through the same things we are. We want to have our voice heard. By blogging, we’re putting our thoughts out there, for all to read. I hope that others are inspired and encouraged by what I blog, as much as I am by what they write.

Another great thing about blogging is that it’s a great way to easily connect with other like-minded people. For instance, I love triathlons, but I only have 2 other friends that do them. So I read about the triathlon feats of Erin, Kelly, and SUAR, and the running feats of Brie, Lisa, Kate, SkinnyRunner, ChicRunner, and Kier. Camaraderie at my fingertips!

Which brings me to:

Be Appreciative.

Link love! This is something I am trying to do more, because I do really enjoy these awesome blogs and I think other people would enjoy them too. I also try to comment on several posts a day because everyone likes to know that something they wrote resonated with their readers, or was at least enjoyable enough to elicit a response. And I read a lot of resonating, enjoyable posts! This kind of connection isn’t always possible in day-to-day life. I mean, how often do we get to sit down with friends and talk about what’s going on in our lives in detail (and with pictures)? In my opinion, not nearly often enough.

So I’d like to know: Why do you blog? Why do you read other people’s blogs (like this one)? What is the main principle behind your blogging style?

*I am most definitely not saying that every blogger who has a large following is doing this. Just that if I were to do it, that would be the motive.

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Keeping an Eternal Perspective: Health

4 Aug

I was listening to a sermon by Tim Keller the other day about idols and epidesires (“over desires,” from the Greek word epithemia). Keller defined them as anything that if you lost it, would make you not want to live.

My initial reaction was “I’m not attached to anything that strongly,” since I’ve read his book Counterfeit Gods in which he illustrates this point with examples of CEOs and CFOs that committed suicide after the stock market tanked in 2008. I am definitely not attached to money, fame or success like that.

But since I admit my status as a sinner and try to catch myself when I start thinking I’m “above” anything, I thought about this idea more. There had to be something in my life that was an epidesire.

And then I figured it out: my health.

I love being active. I spend many hours a week exercising. Travis and I like to do active things together. If I stop being active for even a week, I feel like a blob and am itching to get back at it.

I also have to admit that I love being a healthy weight. I can easily find clothes in my size, I (for the most part) like the way I look, and can wear a bikini with just a smidge of self-consciousness. (I don’t think I’d be human if I had none!)

One of my biggest motivators for staying active and eating healthy, though, is the desire to avoid major health issues and be able to hike and run when I’m 70 (like I see so many elderly people doing out here in Colorado!). I don’t want to have diabetes or take 20 minutes to walk 10 feet. I want to run around with my grandchildren, go swimming at the lake, and enjoy life!

So, what if all that changed? What if I had to take a medication that caused me to gain 20, or 50, pounds? What if I got into an accident and lost the use of my legs? What if I got breast cancer, like so many other women do, and had to have a complete mastectomy?

Would I still want to live?

Would I still rejoice at life and be joyful? Or would I pity myself? Based on my track record, I’m guessing the latter.

Like everything in life, there’s a line between health being a good thing, and it being an ultimate thing. That’s what Tim Keller is getting at when he talks about epidesires. It’s good to want to be healthy, to be good stewards of our bodies through diet and exercise, and to be consistently mindful of those things. God created our bodies to function best when they’re used through physical activity and fed with natural foods.

But it’s easy for health to turn into an ultimate thing. How many sleep-deprived mornings have made me angry, assuming that my lack of sleep was going to make me sick? How many days does my harsh assessment of my body shape make me feel depressed and unhappy? How many times have I felt superior to people who aren’t healthy and in shape?

The truth is, we’re not in control of our health. We can direct its general course, but God has the ultimate say. One of our friends (who I have mentioned on here before) was a non-smoker but just got diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Life — and our health — are fragile.

Same thing with body shape — we can keep our weight at a healthy level and develop muscle by strength training. But we can’t alter our body shape. That was determined by God when He knit us together in the womb. (Something I need to be reminded about often!)

Living a healthy lifestyle isn’t a get-out-of-cancer-free card. It’s not a guarantee from God that we’re never going to get sick, be hospitalized, or lose the use of some of our faculties. Our bodies are like the rest of the world: falling apart. This whole world is falling apart. It wasn’t meant to last.

I sometimes get frustrated at the transient nature of things. Happy moments don’t last. A clean house doesn’t last. The pristine condition of something new doesn’t last. Everything ends, falls apart, breaks, or gets beat up. That’s the nature of the world we live in.

I am learning to let those frustrations push me into the glorious hope of heaven, “where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal,” instead of into a bitter mood or cynical outlook. Because of what Christ has done, when we find a new wrinkle, or lumps where before there were none, or we don’t have the endurance or speed or flexibility we once had, instead of lamenting our demise into old age, we can glory in our hope of being raised with imperishable bodies. I’ll end with this extended quote from 1 Corinthians 15:

So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body… The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven. As was the man of dust, so also are those who are of the dust, and as is the man of heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven.

I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

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Keeping an Eternal Perspective: Death

14 Jul

{This is the third installment of this weekly series.}

A good friend of ours from church recently found out that there’s a mass in his lungs the size of a softball. He got a biopsy on Tuesday and will most likely get the results tomorrow. He has had a very God-centered, realistic perspective on the whole situation — acknowledging that he might not have much longer to live or be entering into a season filled with surgery, chemo, and unpleasant side effects. He’s currently coughing a lot, which is taking its toll as well.

Our friend’s reaction to this situation made me think of what the apostle Paul said in Philippians 1:21, 23 — “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.” Paul was ready to go home. He would choose dying over life, because it meant being with Christ. “We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord…we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.”

If Jesus returned this very minute, would I be overjoyed and ready? Or would I say, “Well, this isn’t really a good time. You see, I’ve got my first Olympic triathlon coming up in about a month. And I still haven’t seen Greece or Italy, had a book published about how I became a Christian, or had kids. So can you come back in 10 years or so? I’ll be ready then.”

I have to admit, there are times when I think that if Jesus came back today, I’d be slightly disappointed that I had to miss out on all those things I’m currently looking forward to experiencing. But that’s me being a child making mud pies in the slum, turning down the offer of a holiday at the beach. It’s so easy to turn good things into ultimate things. C.S. Lewis, in his book The Great Divorce, illustrates this with people who are in hell, still maintaining their death grip on what they valued in their earthly lives. And that’s exactly why they’re in hell. Even some of the people who make the journey to heaven turn back because they can’t let go of their earthly treasures.

I think Paul sums up what our approach to these good earthly experiences should be in Colossians 2:17 — “These are a shadow of the things to come, but the substance belongs to Christ.” Think of what your shadow looks like when you’re standing outside in the sun. Distorted. Hard to make out. You can kind of tell what it is.

That’s what these earthly things are: shadows.

Family, achievements, goals, new experiences, beautiful places — all of these are dark blobs of the reality. In light of how enjoyable and amazing these earthly things are, that’s saying a lot about the reality! What is the reality? The gospel — that God has acted through His own Son, Jesus Christ, to reconcile a fallen race to Himself, in order that He might live in fellowship with and enjoy us for eternity. That is the reality that He is revealing through this experience and place we call Earth. This is not the final product. This is temporary. This will fall away.

Are we longing for that day? Or are we busying ourselves with “good things” that cause us to lose our edge, soften our convictions and compromise our character? Are we Christian warriors, constantly sharpen our weapons for the day of battle and being constantly vigilant for the return of our King? Or are we so busy with our projects, goals, daily lives, and routines that our weapons and armor are gathering dust and getting rusty?

I’ve heard it said that the Christian life isn’t about choosing between good and bad; it’s about choosing between good and almost good. Satan is sneaky (if you haven’t read The Screwtape Letters by My Favorite Author Ever — can you tell? — you totally should) and will use anything he can to deceive us and to foil our relationship with God. Even innocent things, things that God Himself created.

“Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and natural and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is His invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage the humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we are always trying to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable. An ever increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula. It’s more certain; and it’s better style. To get the man’s soul and give him nothing in return — that is what really gladdens Our Father’s heart.” (The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis)

If you want to read more about the idea of good things vs. ultimate things, I recommend reading Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller. It’s a very good book.

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Maintaining the Balance.

14 Jun

When I trained for my first triathlon back in 2009, I went all in. In addition to three workouts of each discipline a week, I was doing two days of full-body strength training. I still remember one night when I did a workout consisting of: 6 mile bike, 2 mile run, 6 mile bike, 2 mile run. While it got me into great shape and I was running faster than ever before, after that race was over, I realized that it was just too much.

I had started making frozen pizzas and macaroni and cheese for dinner, stopped cleaning my house and reading books, and felt exhausted constantly. So I cut my training back to two of each discipline a week and no weight training. It was amazing the difference it made in my energy levels, specifically dropping the weight training. I was slower in my second triathlon but I had recovered my life and my sanity.

So that’s where my philosophy of endurance training comes from. I am not willing to sacrifice my life just to be a little faster. I need time to relax. I want to eat homemade meals. I like a clean house. I want to spend time with my husband and pooches. I need time with God every day.

But I also realize that with a longer distance comes longer training times. If I want to race an Olympic distance, I have to train for one.

Like almost everything in life, there must be a balance.

After thinking about this quite a bit over the past couple of weeks and getting Travis’ blessing for me to spend more hours training (I want to make sure that my training isn’t going to be a sore spot in our marriage), I have decided to commit to training for the longer distance – with a caveat: I have to keep my priorities straight.

And those priorities (in order) are:

1. God (daily time in the Word, prayer)

2. Husband

3. Church / Fellowship

4. Job

5. Taking care of our dogs

6. Taking care of my home (cooking, cleaning, laundry)

7. Triathlon training

At times, I have felt guilty for spending so much time training. Should I spend this time helping others? Being less selfish? Should I give the money that I spend on race fees to homeless kids in Africa? That’s my never-good-enough fears kicking in. But I believe that God has given me my love and passion for endurance sports and that when people do things that they thoroughly enjoy, they showcase the glory of God because they are living according to how they were created. So I do believe that I can glorify God and train for triathlons.

But like I said earlier, there must be a balance. That balance can be summed up in two words: God first.

As I discovered earlier this year when I was unemployed, walking in fellowship with God makes all the other things in life fall into their proper places and gives everything the balance its supposed to have. Since I started back to work full-time, I have been letting training usurp my time with God. And I noticed things unraveling. I was dealing with the same problems I had been dealing with a year ago; struggling with materialism, jealousy, and anger; and feeling far from God.

No more!

I am committing to a daily 30 minutes (at least) with God and if I have to skip a workout to make that happen, so be it. Triathlons are transient; God is eternal.

Practically, I am planning my daily time with God to be in the morning, when I am most alert and in need of a reminder of eternity. I think I will still be able to fit in my whole workout (when I’m just doing one discipline) or part of my workout (when I’m doing more than one) in the morning as well. But I might be switching to night workouts anyway because Travis has agreed to do a triathlon! We haven’t decided on a race yet but it will be in August or September. I’m very excited to be able to share this passion of mine with him and to have a new training partner!

I am also going to start listening to sermons and worship music while I run and bike. I used to do this all the time but lately have been listening to Lady Gaga instead (total extremes, huh?).

I am planning on giving a training update every Monday (so that I don’t inundate this blog with training updates) and while I’m doing that, I’m also going to give a spiritual update. How is my relationship with God? Am I growing in being a servant to others and being a light in the workplace? Or am I sliding easily into worldliness, thinking only of new clothes, fitness goals, and vanity? Working in a secular environment is definitely a challenge – to both keep myself from being pulled into the worldly mentality of expensive things, big houses and nice cars as well as be bold in sharing the truth of the gospel. But I have found that its much easier to rise to that challenge when I’m reminding myself of truth daily by reading the Bible.

So that’s my training (and life) philosophy. We’ll see if I can handle the Olympic time commitment!

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A very present help in trouble.

9 Jun

The past two months (since April 8, the day we got Charlie) have been a blur. As a person who does not handle busyness well but who has been ridiculously busy (in my book), I have been pleasantly surprised more than once that I have only had 1 or 2 meltdowns. That, my friends, is a new record.

I have not handled every situation well. I have yelled, cried, slapped, whined, slandered, complained, pitied, and doubted God. All of which Satan pounced on to make me feel like a horrible person who deserved nothing but a swift kick to the head.

Then I stumbled across Psalm 46 one morning (after having searched for the verse the previous morning and not been able to find it):

God is our refuge and strength, 

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though it waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

This was exactly what I had needed – and wanted – to hear. The storms of life aren’t evidence that God doesn’t love or care about me. “Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” God has been teaching me in this season of life how to weather storms with Him instead of apart from Him. Clinging to the truth of His love for me, instead of believing lies like “God doesn’t care about what’s happening to me” and “He won’t help me with this; I have to do it myself.”

To make this hit home even a little more, I rewrote that passage of Psalm 46 in my own words:

  • God is my refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore I will not fear though all order breaks loose,

though everything I do immediately gets undone,

though I am overwhelmed and underequipped,

though my sanity is upheld by the tiniest thread.

  • God is my refuge and strength,

a very present help with dogs who are trouble.

Therefore I will not fear though I cannot tame them,

though they do not listen to my commands,

though they destroy my home and possessions,

though they try my patience to its breaking point.

  • God is my refuge and strength,

a very present help in trials.

Therefore I will not despair though I feel condemned by my sin,

though I feel insufficient and worthless,

though I am accused of not being enough,

though my flesh is weak and my heart fails me.

No matter what life or Satan or my own stupid fault throws at me, I have hope because “This I know, that God is for me.”

Another rewording of mine, from Psalms 46 and 70:

The river of grace is a constant stream.

It makes glad the dwelling of God,

the holy habitation of the Most High.

God lives within her; she shall not give up.

God will help her when she needs it.

Though she is poor and needy,

God will hasten to her rescue.

He only is her help and her deliverer;

He will not delay!

[Note: I have also done a little housekeeping on  my blog – I updated my About Me page, added information about My Racing Career, and finally redid my Blogroll so that it reflects the blog I actually read! If you think I’d enjoy your blog and don’t see it listed on the bottom right, give me a shout out!]

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Goodbye reading goal?

23 May

This weekend was extremely productive. For some reason, I have started waking up without an alarm clock. I still set it because I’m very wary of this alertness before the crack of dawn. So after going to bed at 10:30 on Friday night (because I was absolutely exhausted), I woke up at 7:15 on Saturday. After watching the morning news, getting in the Word, eating breakfast, and waking Travis up for our bike ride in Boulder, I gave both pooches a bath and dyed my hair. (I used the new Clairol Nice ‘n’ Easy Foam color – it was very easy to use and I really liked how my hair turned out… except that it’s almost the same color it was before I dyed it.)

Then came our bike ride in Boulder – 17 miles around the Boulder Reservoir. I’m very proud of my husband for surviving it, considering he hasn’t ridden a bike in a couple of years. And I was very pleased with our time: 16.73 miles in 1:04. I’ll ride faster during the race because I was purposefully riding slower than I would have for my husband, who was riding an old mountain bike. So not only was he not in biking shape, he was riding a heavy, knobby-tired hunk of metal. Isn’t he the sweetest for coming with me?

After our bike ride, we ate lunch at Harpo’s Sports Grill (we had a gift cert), then went home where Travis mowed the lawn and I went to pick up my prescription (and a few other non-essentials) at Walmart. Travis had suggested I buy him a gun safe as an anniversary present so we went to Gander Mountain for that, and then to the liquor store for tequila so we could make frozen margaritas with our new full-size blender (Travis’ present to me). Mmmm…. margaritas.

On Sunday, I got up at 6:30 to run 5 miles, then we went to church, REI, and then the nursery to buy plants for our vegetable garden. After planting and fencing off our vegetable garden (no pooches allowed!), I went to the grocery store, finished doing laundry, and went to bed at 9:45. Whew!

One unfortunate side effect of this busyness, however, is that my reading has plummeted to being almost non-existent. In the past month and a half, I haven’t finished a single book. I’ve read maybe a grand total of 30 pages. Sad day. Part of the reason for my hiatus has been that reading mentally stimulating books when I have a thousand things going on just isn’t possible. I can’t engage with the book. Instead, I end up either reading the same paragraph over and over or reading several pages only to realize I’m completely lost. The other part of the reason is that it just isn’t a priority right now — and it’s not going to be until life slows down a bit. What happened to the days and nights on end of having nothing to do? Oh wait, they all got channeled into my time at work.

It doesn’t look like it’s going to better any time soon either. This coming weekend, we’re camping and while I might be able to fit some reading time in while Travis is fishing, it will be minimal. The weekend after that is my first sprint triathlon, the Boulder Sunrise; the weekend after that is the Greeley Sprint Triathlon; the weekend after that, we’re going to visit friends down in Divide, CO; and the weekend after that, we might have a barbeque at our house. There is some downtime in there and I am for sure going to need some rest after doing back-to-back triathlons – but it’ll probably come mostly in the form of naps. I am really looking forward to a weekend with nothing we *have* to do (if it ever comes…) so that I can sit down with a book and relax.

I do feel God’s blessing in the midst of this busy season, though. Having learned that I am only called to be faithful in doing what God has assigned to me for the day and leaving the rest to Him has given me unexpected energy when I feel like I should be dead tired, overwhelmed, and mopey. Instead, I have excitement, enjoyment, and hope. In fact, I actually enjoyed digging in the dirt yesterday to plant our garden. I am very excited to see the plants grow and produce fruit (I’ll post pics and more info later). It makes me feel like I’m really taking advantage of God’s bounty and joy in creation. Plus, I love fruits and vegetables!

All that say, whereas I had been contemplating the goal of reading 50 books in a year (the past several years, I’ve only averaged 25 or so), that goal may have to be sacrificed for some peace and sanity. Goals are just a means of achieving what you really desire and value. They are not ultimate. God, and the joy found in Christ, are.

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My Sure and Steadfast Anchor.

12 May

I have been MIA from the blogging world because life has exploded. I started my new job, our dogs are misbehaving left and right, people are having babies, getting married, and graduating from high school, and I’m training for a triathlon, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning, gardening, etc. I’m taking it one day at a time.

My spiritual life has been suffering the most. I’ve been trying to work out a flow to my mornings so that I can both train and get in the Word. I’m starting to think that getting in the Word at lunch might be more realistic but I would prefer the morning. So I’m still experimenting (getting up at 5 am is hard after being unemployed!). Combine my inconsistency with the Word with having a new job and daily schedule and I feel like I’m living in a twilight zone.

This happened to me when I started my job for the triathlon company last year and it wore off after a few weeks, so I’m not too worried. But I miss God! I just feel spiritually distant, as if God isn’t relevant or intimate in this new realm I’m living in.

Today during lunch, I sat down at my computer with my small, waterlogged Bible that Travis took to Ghana and this is what came out:

In the midst of chaos

I know God is still there

But I’m lost in transience

Unhinged from reality

Trying to run to Truth

With my heart as the hurdle

 

What happened to my grip on eternity,

My basking in forever,

My praise of the Glorious One

This earth doesn’t know?

 

My only comfort is You

A Rock of strength in a heart of quicksand

You uphold me when I’m lost at sea

All my driftings are charted

On Your map

And You’ll lead me home again

Someday

For You have prepared me

For this very thing

Guaranteed.

 

I didn’t take the time to edit it much so it’s pretty raw and I haven’t written a poem in years — poetry is the way I express my heart when there aren’t sufficient words for how I feel. So that’s where I am right now. I am so thankful that, like Matt Redman writes in his song How Great is Your Faithfulness,:

Everything changes, but You stay the same
Your word and kingdom endure
We lean on the promise of all that You are
And trust forevermore
We will trust forevermore
 
Hopefully one of these days I’ll have time for a longer post!

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When it rains, it pours.

20 Apr

The past week and a half have been ridiculously busy. Mostly because we got a new dog who isn’t completely potty-trained but also partly because I have had dinner dates, church functions, and job interviews to attend.

Without going into all of the boring details, I will just say that there have been several days with things that have gone wrong, taken forever, been frustrating, or days that just seem so jam-packed with stuff to do that I don’t see how it will all get done. When I am not being anxious or angry, I am actually sort of excited about all the stuff going on, the trials, the challenges, and the anxiety because it has allowed me to put my theories about the Christian life and walking with God to the test. Kind of like, how do they withstand trials and struggles?

Well, I’m happy to say that the truths are true. They’re just impossible for me to practically follow. It’s amazing how in the times when everything is going fairly smoothly and I’m happy and peaceful, trusting in God seems easy and I feel like I am actually doing it. But when the road gets rough and things start to fall apart, that’s when I stop trusting God. The times when I need God most are the times that I turn from Him. Does that make ANY sense at all?

This is what I wrote in my journal this past Sunday morning: “I’ve been saying lately that the Christian life is simple and yet impossible. Trusting God for everything–validation, security, comfort, provision, identity, etc.–is where we find joy and peace, yet it is the hardest thing for humans to do!

“Upon first thought, it seemed like God had designed us to be completely incapable of being good and relying upon Him, even though the result was more sin on our part. Is God more concerned with our reliance upon Him than our sanctification? Verses like 1 Thess. 4:3 seemed to contradict that.

“Then I thought of Jesus, who was holy and perfectly dependent on the Father. So reliance on God is God’s way of sanctifying us. It is only as we rely on God that we become holy. Relying on God and being sanctified are one in the same thing.

“All of our sins are failures to rely on God–to find everything we desire and long for in Him.”

The Christian life is really so simple. We walk through every day in communion with God as we trust His sovereignty and wisdom, His goodness to us in all circumstances, and accept everything from His hand. But that is definitely easier said than done!

Last Thursday morning, I was at my breaking point. Charlie had peed inside the house AGAIN, I was frustrated and impatient with her constant need for attention and decision to get up at 6 am every morning, I had another interview that afternoon (which I was dreaded since the one I had had on Tuesday went horribly), and I had another full day ahead of me. I felt pulled in a hundred different directions, with no time for me or rest or reading or fun. I was ready to blow a gasket and was wondering, “Didn’t God say that He provided grace in the time of need? Well, I need grace. I’m asking for grace. But I don’t feel Him providing it because I am just barely making it through today.”

During my coffee time with my friend Cathy, I asked her what God’s practical provision of grace looks like. I explained to her my situation and on the verge of tears, told her that I didn’t feel God’s grace because I just wanted to crawl back into bed every morning. She told me that just the fact that I haven’t thrown in the towel, haven’t crawled back into bed and abandoned my responsibility is God’s strength to me. Just like in exercise, we have to burden our bodies with almost more than we think we can handle in order to grow stronger. You don’t grow stronger by lifting manageable weights.

As soon as she said that, the tears started falling. I felt God saying to me, “I am growing you through this.” I felt burdened beyond my strength but I hadn’t given up. The next day, I read this in Elisabeth Elliot’s Keep a Quiet Heart from Lamentations 3, “It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.” I am humbled once again by how quick I am to accuse God of abandoning me when He has been carrying me through the trials of my life.

As much as I have struggled with being busy, I do see the Lord’s mercies to me in this season. I just found out yesterday that I got a job as a Marketing Communications Copy Editor! (Praise the Lord for His provision!) So those early mornings with Charlie? Preparation for going back to work. Having a lot to accomplish in one day? Preparation for having a full-time job again. God is slowly easing me back into the working world, one trial at a time.

I am so utterly grateful to God that even though I continue to doubt Him and question His ways, He continues to give me grace, insight, and understanding sufficient to continue on in faith. My impatience and anger with my dogs this past week have stood in stark contrast to God’s infinite faithfulness, patience, long-suffering, and love toward me. I am so humbled.

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The busyness of leisure.

7 Feb

When I first entertained thoughts of being unemployed or working part-time (which I am currently), I thought “Imagine all the free time I’ll have! I will be able to get so much accomplished, have full days of relaxation, and still have extra time to boot!”

Hmmm… not so much.

It appears that the more free time you have, the more things you find to fill up that time. All those things that you never think about doing because you “don’t have the time,” you end up doing because well, frankly, you do have the time. But add up enough of those things and your free days are gone.

That’s where I am right now. Some people don’t know what to do with themselves when they don’t have a job. I am not one of them. I have lists and lists of stuff I want to do and my only problem is that I don’t have the time to do it all.

So what have I been doing, you might ask?

Reading. Writing. Sleeping in – glorious! Reading. Coffee dates. Laundry. Dishes. Writing. Painting. Crafts. Reading. Cleaning. Cooking.

And my new favorite thing… Yoga.

I love yoga. Back in high school, I got turned on to Pilates. And since yoga is similar to Pilates, I bought a yoga video about 3 years ago. Then about a year ago, I went to a class at a yoga studio and it kicked my butt. I also learned that I had been doing some of the poses wrong. But yoga is expensive, the studio wasn’t very close, and the class schedule didn’t jive with a 9-to-5.

So imagine my joy when I discovered that the Wheat Ridge Rec Center is now offering yoga. It’s on Mondays and Thursdays in the morning/afternoon, the class is free with a Rec membership, and the Rec is only 3 minutes from my house. It works out well for me, since I work at the church on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Obviously, if/when I get a full-time job again, the yoga classes won’t work with my schedule but I’m really enjoying it right now!

The thing I love the most about yoga is that it gives me a feeling of taking care of my body. Instead of trying to push my body beyond its limits as in endurance sports, ignoring it when it tells me to stop, I learn to listen to my body, respond to it, and appreciate it. I’m not into the whole spiritual stuff like “Become one with yourself” or “Bring in the energy” but I do believe that God calls us to be good stewards of our bodies and yoga helps me do that.

I’m still planning on getting back into triathlon training starting in March but I hope to keep going to the yoga classes. They’re great for flexibility, calming me down, and I love getting stronger without lifting weights. It’s a win-win.

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Craving fellowship

24 Jan

I am amazed at God right now, at the way He validates what I’ve been learning about Him and life through experiences.

I’ve been enjoying my new days of freedom after discovering why I can trust God to run my life. But Satan is a sneaky little devil. He never gives up. Instead of conceding defeat, he will use other circumstances and get me to do the exact same thing as before: take responsibility.

Once I felt freedom from the guilt of needing to do more and to make my life look like I thought it should in the big picture, I started having a battle with the everyday things. Specifically watching TV. Again, it started with a good desire. I had been convicted that TV watching, with a few exceptions like Bones and The Office, is a huge waste of time. The majority of the time, I watch TV not because it’s exactly the thing I want to do and it makes me feel good but because I am tired and don’t want to think. I just want to veg out. And as I turn off the TV when it’s time to go to bed or out somewhere, I almost always think, “Well, that was a waste of time.”

So I desired to cut back on the TV watching and to find other activities that are as soothing and relaxing as TV, but more productive. That way I would still get to relax but with things that would add to my character instead of detract from it. But Satan took that good desire and distorted it. I could no longer watch TV at all, even my favorite shows, without feeling guilty. It was wasting precious time! I could be doing so much more – like writing that book I’ve been dreaming about or accomplishing tasks on my to-do list. Once again, my freedom to do whatever my heart desired evaded me. I felt trapped, pinned down by invisible forces.

I knew I was missing some truth. What was I not believing?

The more I thought about it, I realized that my struggle wasn’t really about watching TV. I was bored. And lonely. I was sick of finding stuff to do on my own – I wanted to spend time with someone else. Maybe that was why TV appealed to me – it was an impersonal form of human contact. I didn’t feel alone with the TV on.

Lucky for me, I had a bridal shower to go to last night, where there would be lots of Christian women to fellowship with. Even though I expected that I wouldn’t know most of them, I was excited. I usually leave events like that feeling energized and reinvigorated. And that’s exactly what happened. I met some great women, was very encouraged by 2 of them, and left the shower feeling so loved and blessed by God.

As I drove home, I connected the dots of things God has been revealing to me over the past several weeks. I love people – the time in my life that I’ve been the happiest and most fulfilled was as a part of Campus Outreach in college. I felt like I belonged there, I had some amazing friends, and I was around people all the time. I’ve always thought of myself as a loner, as a person who prefers solitude to being around others. Now I see that I love being around others, but I need solitude to recharge. And at this stage in my life, I have so much solitude that I am overly charged and need to seek out places where I can deplete my stores.

Whereas a year ago, I would have praised the value of fellowship and said that I wanted to be more intentional about spending time with friends, it would have felt like another thing on a to-do list. When I thought about how much I failed at spending time with others, I felt condemned and guilty. I didn’t feel inspired to change. But now, I see my own need for fellowship, my own heart craving for it, and it is something I want to do – need to do. So far, I have asked 2 friends to hang out (one of whom I had lunch with today!) and I have plans for more. I am so blessed!

The best part about it is that this has been the desire of my heart for the past 2 years and now that I’ve finally surrendered my dreams for my life to God, He is doing in me that which I had so long tried to do, but failed at. A. W. Tozer says it worlds better than I can:

“The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One. While he looks at Christ, the very things he has so long been trying to do will be getting done within him. It will be God working in him to will and to do.”

This is the blessed truth of the gospel – that we can rest from all attempts to prove our worth, to earn our salvation, to redeem our lives. We can rest in Christ’s sufficiency because of His sacrifice on the cross. Like the song says, “I am changed in the presence of a holy God.”


 

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