Tag Archives: life

The search begins…

17 Jan

I finally found out about the job at the church last week… they hired someone else. At first, they had planned on hiring 2 people but now they’re not sure they can afford 2 people. The pastor has asked if I would be interested in continuing to work there for the next couple of weeks while the new guy gets his feet under him (which I am going to do), but he can’t promise me that they would need me beyond that. And if they did, it would almost for sure just be a part-time gig.

While I’m slightly disappointed because I did enjoy working there, I am happy that the church found someone who fits their needs in the office and that God has revealed His will. I felt very indifferent about the job at the church – I did enjoy working there but I didn’t feel like “This is the job for me.” So I’m thankful that God’s will is clear.

So begins the search for a new job. I did apply for unemployment last Friday and I’ll be working part-time at the church for next couple of weeks, so we’ll have some money coming in while I look. I’m not entirely sure what kind of job I want yet. Here are my categories:

“Jobs I would love but am not qualified for”:

Book editor (actually, editor of any sort)

Desktop publisher

Writer

Nutritionist

Librarian

Tutor

 

“Jobs I am qualified for but am not sure I want”:

Administrative Assistant / Secretary

Retail

Marketing / Communications Coordinator

 

“Jobs that would be sweet but I’m not sure even exist”:

Professional Organizer

 

I still have some thinking and research to do, as you can see. I was going to go to the library today to look at books about job-seeking but then realized that because it’s a government holiday, it is closed today. Poop. I guess I’ll be doing more research online today.

Every time I’ve been looking for jobs in my lifetime, there’s this little voice that creeps into my head and says, “You’ll never get the job you want. It’s just not in the cards.” I know that voice is from Satan – he is trying to rob me of the joy of resting in God, trusting that He is able and willing to provide a job that is well-suited for my talents and interests. Moreover, God will accomplish His purpose for me. I don’t know what my purpose is but He does. And I can rest in that while looking for a new job.

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Resting in God for Life

15 Jan

God is so faithful.

I had a rough start to this past week. Being back from Mexico, I was confronted with all of the problems I had left behind: namely, my struggle with what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Again, I was stressed out. It felt like there was a heavy ball of anxiety sitting right on my chest. I felt paralyzed. I had nothing that I had to do and yet didn’t feel free to do anything. I felt like I had to be productive. Like that’s what a good model citizen does – they get stuff done. But I didn’t want to get stuff done. I wanted to relax and read.

Little by little, God has been inviting me to release the responsibility I feel for my life. At first, He showed me I could let go of being responsible for my sanctification. Instead of rifling through my own soul looking for sins that I needed to work on, I could trust God to convict me of the sins that He wanted me to work on.

He then showed me I could let go of being responsible for projects at work. Even though I don’t technically have a job right now, I am helping out at the church and as such, I feel involved enough to be held responsible for things succeeding or failing. But God says that I can release those projects to Him too. It’s not me accomplishing His work – it’s Him accomplishing His work through me. I wrote these points in my journal:

1. God knows what needs to be done and when.

2. I can trust God to guide my day and to provide the wisdom, inspiration, and motivation necessary. I can even trust Him to bring to mind things I need to remember.

3. I can leave unfinished projects in God’s care – this is His work after all. He will take care of it.

4. If and when I fail, I can run to God and He will help me fix the mess. He is a gracious, patient and loving God.

Finally, God showed me that I can let go of what I have perceived to be the things I needed to be doing to live the life I want to live. I had been creating my own religious rules about how to live but God had not empowered me to live those. I constantly felt like I should be doing more than I was doing. If I bought a coffee at Starbuck’s, I felt guilty that I didn’t donate that money to charity. If I spent time reading a book, I felt guilty that I was making myself happy instead of helping someone else in need. I was constantly questioning my motives and constantly feeling condemned by what I perceived to be the selfishness of everything I did. Even the good, thoughtful things I did for others were swallowed up in the notion that they were just drops in the ocean of my own patheticness.

But praise the Lord, He has revealed the truth to me! On Thursday morning, after feeling very discouraged and fed up with life on Wednesday night, God showed me that what had started out as a good desire – wanting to live above the status quo for Christ – I had turned into an end in itself. I was trying to make myself right with God by setting a high standard for my way of life. I only succeeded in making myself miserable. Because I can’t make myself right with God!

And I don’t have to. I don’t have to procure my own salvation because of Jesus and I don’t have to make my life count because of Jesus. For the longest time, I thought that surrendering control meant conceding defeat. Resting in Christ meant that I didn’t care if my life changed – it meant I was ok if I just kept on living the typical American lifestyle. But I did care! So I couldn’t, I wouldn’t surrender. I had to make my life what I thought it should be – because if I didn’t, who would?

I am in awe at God’s perfect timing. Just totally in awe. In the past month, I read 2 books that revolutionized the way I look at my relationship with God: Walking With God by John Eldredge and Soul Craving by Joel Warne. Both authors talk about listening to God, walking through situations with God, talking to God, communing with God. I had never before realized that such an intimate two-way interaction with God was possible!

Because of that new discovery, the idea of surrendering control of my life and my expectations and desires to God makes sense. Before, I didn’t understand how I could let go of control and expect things to still happen. I mean, after all, even though God is sovereign, He is not a puppeteer. I still have to act. So how would anything change if I gave up trying to change things?

I see now that change comes out of an intimate relationship with God. As I am walking with God, talking with Him, listening to Him, inviting Him in to every area and experience of my life, I am changed. I sense His Spirit’s leading. I see doors open that I would have missed before. I find courage to do what I couldn’t in the past. This is exactly what I wanted for my life and was so desperately striving after. But now, it is God leading me. It is God doing the hard work. Joel Warne writes in his book that our relationship with God is a responsive one. He leads; we respond.

Moreover, if there is something amiss in my life, something I should abstain from or do differently, I can trust God to reveal those things to me. I don’t have to obsess over everything and continually feel guilty. This has been the biggest relief of all. I can finally put in correct perspective all of the mundane, practical, trivial details of life. I don’t have to question everything anymore! I can live everyday life in faith that when God wants to change something, when He wants to move me, He will reveal that to me. And He provides the courage and grace for obedience on top! So now, instead of asking God to show me what He wants me to do with my life, I pray:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there by any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23).

I cannot undermine enough what a revolutionary shift in paradigm this is for me. I feel like I had been going through the motions of life in black and white but now I am rejuvenated with vigor and eagerness to engage in life in Technicolor! Because my life is what it is because of God. And I can rest in Him for wisdom, guidance, sanctification. I can trust Him to do in my life what I have been desiring – because He desires it even more than I do!!

GOD IS AWESOME!!

 

 

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Last Day!

23 Dec

Today is my last day at Your Cause Sports. While I am really looking forward to being done with this trying season of life (hopefully God doesn’t have another one immediately in store!), I am not as excited about leaving as I would have been a month ago.

Don’t get me wrong – I still whole-heartedly believe that this job is wrong for me in every way. This isn’t just me being a big baby; the nature of the job is counter to my personality and manner of working. So I am very grateful that God has closed the door, signaling me to move on. But I’m not as frustrated and angry as I had been. There’s less of a “Haha, I’m leaving. Take that!” attitude and more of a “I’m still ready to move on but I really hope things work out next year with YCS.” attitude.

I am glad that God led Travis and I to make the decision for me to be done today – I just found out from the church on Tuesday that they still haven’t made a decision about the position but they have hired me as contract labor to get the timely stuff done in the office before Sunday, January 2nd. If I were still working for YCS next week, I wouldn’t be able to work part-time in the church office so I can see God’s amazing coordination of all these working parts. I’m still not sure what things will look like after I get back from Mexico but I’m willing to play that by ear.

I praise the Lord that He is allowing me to see His grace through these situations. A month ago, if I had planned on taking next week off to “get stuff done” and then was asked to work part-time, I would have taken the job but been frustrated because my plans had been thwarted. But all I really want to happen next week is that I get some time to relax and recharge. This year has been nutso and while I feel mostly recovered, I haven’t had much downtime. So I’m really looking forward to that – and trusting God that even if that doesn’t happen how I imagine it, His grace will be sufficient.

While there are a lot of other things on my to-do list that I would like to get done, I won’t be upset if they don’t happen. Most, if not all, of them are projects that I can do on a weekend and since I won’t be traveling every weekend this spring/summer/fall, I’ll actually have that luxury!

I also see God’s grace in my patience/trust about the unknown job situation. I can honestly say that I’m not fretting, anxious, worried, impatient, scared, etc. about not knowing what will happen. In fact, I am kind of excited. I think that God has something great in store for me. And starting a new stage of life is always new (by definition) and exciting. What I’m really looking forward to is the possibility of having some time to write.

Well, I better get off to my last day of work! Woohoo!

 

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Unfettered Joy

21 Dec

I just took my dog Katy for a walk and as I felt the sun on my face and the cool breeze on my face, I also felt something I haven’t felt in a quite a while: unfettered joy.

As I walked along the familiar streets, watching Katy’s ears cutely bounce up and down as they do, I had complete joy. As I type these words, I still have complete joy. It’s amazing!

And I know it’s from God. I’ve been reading Walking With God by John Eldredge and it has really changed the way I think about my relationship with God. There are a lot of things I could mention but I’ll just focus on one: spending time listening to God in my quiet times. When I first became a Christian, I soaked up everything I could about the Bible. I spent hours reading and studying it. I prayed little. Over the past year, I have started praying a lot more. I pray out loud most of the time – a lot of times, I do it in the car instead of listening to the radio. I still do both of those but now I’m learning to listen. To not just tell God my side of the story but to hear Him speak directly to me. (If you want to know more, read the book.)

But this morning, as I was writing about the things the book had brought to my attention about myself, I felt myself getting anxious about spending so much time with God because I had planned on starting work at 8:00 and it was now past that time. One of the thoughts Eldredge writes in his book is looking at the fruit of a thought or action in your life – you can determine where it came from (God or Satan) by looking at what the outcome is in your life. Well, the outcome of whatever I was worrying about was anxiety – definitely from Satan. So I asked God, “Why am I always anxious when I’m spending time with you in the morning?”

This what I discovered:

“Even though I have been praying more often and being mindful of God throughout the day, I have been asking God’s blessing and strength on all the things that I have undertaken. I view my life as my responsibility – I need to make it count. I view each day that way and am stressed out as a result. I need to trust God that He will get done in my life (and every day) what He wants to get done. He is the One sanctifying me. I just need to follow His lead, cooperate with what He is doing. I had made an agreement that God wouldn’t help me so I had to do it myself. I wanted so much to be holy but felt like I continued to fail, so instead of waiting on God to help me, I forged ahead and tried to make myself holy. But here’s the great part: It’s not up to me!”

This was the little dark cloud hanging over my head that wouldn’t let me have complete joy. I still thought everything was up to me. I felt responsible for everything in my life. For making it all work. For making it count. For becoming Christ-like. But now I see that I can relax and just follow Christ’s lead. He knows what I need, better than I do. He will guide me into the areas of my life that I need to work on. I just need to rest in His finished work and in His promise that He will sanctify me.

As I am experiencing this joy, I am very thankful – thankful that God has shown me He cares about my joy, cares about my understanding of what Jesus has done for me. In this process of sanctification, He isn’t helping me – I am helping Him. He is the One doing all the work – I’m just cooperating. God is awesome.

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Understanding joy

20 Dec

Yesterday in church, it dawned on me that I have been viewing my sins, failures, weaknesses and such as bigger than the Cross. I have been prevented from being joyful because while the gospel indeed is incredible, my sins and failures are still there. And in an effort to maintain mindfulness of my sinfulness, I have been living in light of my pathetic-ness, rather than in the light of the gospel of Christ’s sufficiency.

I had an idea of an illustration for this. I actually drew it and if our printer/scanner was working, I would totally scan it and insert it into this post but alas, I’ll just have to describe it. The first picture is entitled “My perception of my sin” and it’s a giant boulder and peeking around the top and sides, you can vaguely see a cross in the background. The second picture is entitled “Reality of my sin in the gospel” and it’s a giant cross, with a tiny little pebble in front of it. The gospel – Christ’s atoning death and resurrection motivated by love for me – is so much bigger than my sin, shortcomings, and failed attempts at being who God says I am.

When I stop looking at myself, I can see the lie of “You have nothing to be joyful about” for what it is. No, in my sinfulness and failures, I don’t have much to be joyful about. But when I turn and look at Jesus, I see that I have everything in the world to be joyful about. Christ is so much bigger than me! Christ’s sufficiency is enough for all of my lack. I don’t have to go through life bemoaning how much I suck. I can focus on my victorious life in Christ. The hard, tough, icky stuff doesn’t go away overnight but I can view myself as a conqueror of my old nature in Christ.

That’s something else I realized – I have been thinking that sanctification is something I need to do. I need to sanctify myself. That’s part of being a Christian, right – crucifying the old self and its fleshly desires? But 1 Thessalonians 5 says that God is the One who sanctifies us – “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” I have been taking the responsibility of my holiness upon myself. What a task!! No wonder I have felt overwhelmed and completely incapable!! How can one who is unholy make oneself holy? Answer: They can’t. Only Another Who is holy can make me holy.

I still feel slightly confused but I am thrilled that God has shown me that I can be completely, utterly, 110% joyful in Christ, not because I’ve achieved anything or reached my goal, but because of what Christ has done for me. The gospel is the reason for our joy. And even our sin and failures should not take that away from us.

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Pursuing my dream.

1 Dec

I was talking with my good friend Cathy the other day about spiritual gifts and she asked me if I knew what mine was. I said that it might be writing, since I’ve had a passion for it since I was old enough to hold a pencil (correctly) and while I’m not the world’s greatest writer, God has given me some talent for it. Plus, I figure if God wants to use this passion/talent for the benefit of His church, who am I to tell Him not to? But He can’t use it if I don’t exercise it.

I haven’t been exercising it in any form beyond this blog because of several reasons. I tell myself writing isn’t practical – it’s very difficult to make money doing it. I tell myself that I don’t have time to write – I’m busy working full-time to make the money writing doesn’t provide. I tell myself that my ambition is stupid or selfish – who am I to think that anyone would want to read what I have to say? Why would anyone want to read about my life lessons? Sometimes I think my blogged thoughts drift out into a corner of cyberspace, just to end up covered in cobwebs, unread and untouched.

But the biggest reason why I haven’t pursued writing is because I don’t believe God would do anything with it. To be honest, I’m afraid of dreaming big and falling flat on my face. I mean, I could spend the better part of a year working on a manuscript that no one else ever reads. This dream of mine to be a published author could turn out to be just that – a dream – but not God’s plan for my life.

Then I hear this little voice in my head say, So what? So what if that’s what happens? Shouldn’t I be faithful with the gift God has given me? Don’t I think that my ruminations on life could benefit another Christian walking through the same thing, similar to (but much less than) the same way I benefit from other Christian authors? Why should I take this gift and hide it under a rock?

I’ve come to think that the answer is… I shouldn’t. And the only reason why I have hidden this gift is because I’m too scared to use it. In my aim to be realistic and hold my dreams with open hands, I’ve dropped them completely. I’ve given in to cynicism. “God won’t do that for me. It’s just not His plan for me to be a writer.” Says who? Says me, with my limited perspective on my life? It hasn’t happened so far, so that means it never will? Does that mean if I don’t have kids now, I never will? Of course not. So why would that apply to being a writer?

I also dream about working in the book publishing industry. It’s probably not surprising that a person who likes to write also likes to read. If I could spend every day, all day reading, I would. There are so many books I want to read! I would love to be involved in creating them, editing them, designing them, promoting them. I, unfortunately, live in the wrong part of the country for that career (another one of my excuses for not pursuing that dream). Most of the jobs are in Chicago or New York. There are some jobs here in Denver but they are few and far between, and usually in the departments I have no experience with or desire for.

But I have to admit that they do exist and this past Monday, I saw an opening for a Book Content Editor at a company that publishes books and articles about crafts, with an emphasis on knitting. Now, I don’t know even the first thing about knitting (ok, well maybe I do know that you need a needle and yarn…but beyond that, I’m clueless) and having an extensive knowledge of knitting was a requirement in the job description. Even though I felt I was very well-suited based on the other requirements, the lack of that one requirement would have been enough for me to say “Well, I don’t have any knowledge of knitting so I’m not qualified. Delete.” But this time, I thought “I can totally do this job!” If I want to work in the publishing industry so badly, why not go for it? So I sent in my resume. And even if nothing comes of it, it’s the act of pursuing what I really want to do that is liberating. And not just the act of pursuing, but also the believing that God can make something of it. God is a God of possibility, of opportunity, of potential. And even if only nobody else ever reads my writing in the history of the world, at least I can say that I used it faithfully.

Now, if only I could find the time to write…

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Life lately

12 Nov

It’s been longer than I’d like since I posted last. I keep thinking of things that would be great to post about but this week has been so busy that I haven’t had the time.

But it’s been great! After my last post about discovering the lies I was believing, I got to have coffee with my good friend Cathy Kellerman. She has helped me immensely to see truth and understand how to hold on to hope instead of drown in my failures. That has been a huge blessing and enabled me to appreciate my job situation for right now.

Here’s what else I have been up to: Last Friday, our friends Amy and Michael Leon stayed with us as they were moving from Yellowstone to San Antonio, Texas, for their next seasonal position as a park ranger and wife.

On Saturday, D and I went up to Boulder to finally get massages (I also got a manicure) with our gift certificates from our bosses. It was a VERY nice spa and an excellent massage – very relaxing. Saturday night, we had some friends over for dinner and played Scrabble.

Sunday, we went to church and then to a chili cook-off. We made chili as a kind of after-though – I looked up a recipe for elk chili online on Saturday and made it Sunday morning – and we won by a landslide! I have to admit it was pretty darn good chili. Sometime this coming week I’ll post the recipe for all of you (and you don’t have to use elk to make it!) Then Sunday afternoon, I helped Travis rake our front yard (8 trash bags full of leaves and pine needles!), took Katy on a walk, made our hotel and car reservations for this weekend (more on that shortly), and read Jane Eyre – definitely a page-turner!

Though the weekend was full, it was very enjoyable. This week has been the same. Monday, I worked and then volunteered at the church. Tuesday, I worked, volunteered at the church and then had a women’s book study at our church. Wednesday, I worked, made more of the Elk Chili Sensation and went to care group. Yesterday, I had coffee with Cathy, worked, then we had some friends over for dinner and played Scrabble again (different friends but I won both times!). And then today, I ran 2 miles, packed, did the dishes, watered the plants and cleaned out the fridge, am currently in the process of buying some new running songs and putting them on my iPod (among them are Lady Gaga’s Deluxe Fame Album, as well as Sexy Bitch by David Guetta – don’t judge me; it’s a great song to run to!)

Wow, I am exhausted just typing all of this. It feels like this is the busiest I’ve been in a long time but it’s with fun stuff! And it’s amazing how being joyful in the Lord can make all these things, even the cooking and cleaning, enjoyable and pleasant. So it’s been a great week overall.

I did find out last Saturday, however, that my job position with the race company is being eliminated at the end of December. I am not in the least disappointed – except perhaps by the fact that I am not being eliminated right away. 🙂 I see this news instead as God’s indication to me that I am indeed supposed to move on to a new season of life, which I will gladly do. I am meeting with the pastor at our church next week about working in the office as the administrator. So I’m still hoping and praying that I get that job. But if not, God still has a plan. It might just take a bit longer to discover. In the meantime, I’m still working at home with the race company, designing the shirts and medals and stuff for next year.

But I’m not thinking about that this weekend – I’m going to have fun and relax, enjoying being with my parents and hubby in Malibu, California! The marathon is this weekend – I was going to run the full but switched to the half after all the issue with my knee and IT band. Which is just as well because I really don’t think I would’ve had the time to train for the full anyway. Plus, this way I can still do stuff on Sunday after the race instead of needing to be wheeled around in a wheelchair!

What’s better is that I finally get some time off – I took today completely off and I’m taking Monday completely off. I’ll be working again on Tuesday, though not full-time. I added up all the hours I worked for the past 9 weeks and found that I averaged 44 hours a week. Since I am not going to be with this job at least by the beginning of January (if not sooner), I figure I can take that extra 36 hours I worked and spread it out over the next couple weeks, so I really only have to work about 25-30 hours every week. (This past week I only worked 22 though!) Oh well. I’ll buckle down if I find out I’m not getting the church job. Otherwise, I am really enjoying being able to have some free time again.

Life is good right now – thanks be to God!

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At the foot of the Cross

12 Oct

The past few days have been hard. I’ve been frustrated with/depressed about my job again and let it throw a gloomy cloud over everything. It becomes all I can think about and I just dwell in that place, wondering why I struggle so much with things other people seem to be fine with and how God and the gospel just don’t seem to be revelant in my situation.

Praise the Lord that He never lets me stay in that place! I re-read We Would See Jesus last night and this morning – took me about 6 hours. What an amazing book – definitely one of the best books ever written! It was exactly what I needed to hear and be reminded of. When I had felt stressed out about my job, and in turn life in general, I knew I wasn’t trusting God. I knew that my distrust was sin. But instead of just confessing it at the Cross and resting there in Jesus’ perfect atonement, I skipped ahead to trying to trust God and His plan for my life. The Hessions say it perfectly:

“A mere attempt to trust Him more completely and to rest in Him, without an acknowledgment of the sin there is, never brings victory, His victory. He is only the Vine to me as I repent of trying to be the vine myself. It is only as I repent of my unlove that I have His love; only as I confess my worry and lack of peace that I have His peace; only as I confess my impatience that I have His long-suffering; only as I confess my resentment that I have His meekness, and so on.”

Earlier, they wrote, “So it is that victory ever comes by repentance — coupled with a simple trusting Him to be to us what He promises.”

Repentance. That’s what I have been missing. I have known that I was a sinner, void of anything good in myself, and incapable of living the Christian life on my own. But I never came to the foot of the Cross and said that. Instead, that acknowledgment turned me to striving. When I felt anxious, I knew that I was sinning by not trusting in God but instead of confessing my sin, I just tried to trust God. I even prayed about it, a lot! But I constantly felt defeated. And no wonder why – I was trying to be the vine, to produce trust in God by myself.

“This, then, is the reason for our failure, too. It is simply that we have been trying to be the vine; we have been trying to find a holiness and a love for others in ourselves and from ourselves which Scripture never encourages us to expect to find there… God no longer expects us to be the vine. We need not even try. The responsibility for producing fruit is no longer ours. God has His own true Vine, the risen Lord Jesus, who is well able to produce all the fruit that God requires for others, and to fulfill all the purposes of His grace for men… We do not produce the fruit, but simply bear what He produces, as we permit Him to live in us.”

It is amazing to know that in response to my sin, all I have to do is bring it to the foot of the Cross, where Christ has paid for it once for all, and to rest there – in full acknowledgment of my failure, need, and insufficiency. And I don’t have to leave the foot of the Cross. I don’t have to go out and try better. I don’t have to draw strength from Christ to set out on my own until I fail again. I can stay there. I can rest there, knowing the reality of my condition but trusting the completion of Christ’s work on the cross. What’s more, that’s exactly where Christ works in me to produce all the things I lack.

I had been feeling hopeless and depressed. I had believed the lie that life would never get better, I would always feel this way, and I was beyond help, even God’s. But coming to the foot of the Cross, I find hope again and all the lies I had believed are destroyed – and while I still am the wretched, pathetic soul I ever was, I don’t have to grieve that fact eternally.

Because I have a Savior.

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Rescued

10 Sep

I drove up to Boulder today, a nice little 30-minute jaunt from my house. I usually use that kind of prolonged time in the car to think out loud about issues I’m dealing with (which also helps me to not fall asleep).

Today, I was thinking about something the pastor said in the sermon on Ecclesiastes I was listening to this morning during my run. He said that God wants us to have pleasure – He wired us that way. Since I attended John Piper’s church for over 2 years, I had heard this before. But I heard it with fresh ears today because I realized – I don’t believe that.

For a while now, I’ve been questioning the point of doing stuff that I would consider “fluff” – things that are done purely because they are fun and enjoyable. Work, hygiene, chores, bills – these are not fluff because they must be done. Going to the movies, painting your nails, shopping, cooking new dishes, making crafts – these are fluff. They are done purely for enjoyment. I have not been able to enjoy these things like I used to because I have felt like Solomon – all is vanity, a chasing after the wind. At the end of the day, what do I have to show for these things? Nothing of significance.

And that’s just my problem. I had been questioning the value and merit of anything that didn’t contribute directly to the bottom line of Christianity (knowing God and making Him known). Praying, worship, reading the Bible, evangelizing, volunteering, serving the needy, working, maintaining a household – these are things that have either a tangible outcome or a direct impact on our eternity with God. But gardening? Running? Decorating? Shopping? Haircoloring? Trips to the zoo? Things like these are done for pleasure. What is the point of them?

Then I asked myself, why do I feel like I can’t engage in things that don’t contribute to the “bottom line”? I didn’t use to feel this way about everyday things so what changed? Guilt. I feel guilty when I do those things because I feel like I’m wasting time. And I feel like I’m wasting time with tedious, trivial little crap because I should be out there doing better, more productive things with my life. I should be doing more.

And there it is. The elephant in the corner. “I should be doing more.” I’m reading the book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World right now and I tell you, the book couldn’t be more relevant to where I am in life right now. I just read this section:

“…While there are many things that need to be done, things I’m capable of doing and want to do, I am not always the one to do them. Even if I have a burden for a certain need or project, my interest or concern is not a surefire sign that I need to be in charge… Service was never supposed to be our first priority. Work is not our first order of business – even working for the Lord. In fact, our own efforts are so far down the line when it comes to what God wants that they didn’t even register in Jesus’ conversation with Martha… Only one thing is needed – intimacy with God.”

I have been so focused on doing more for God that I have taken my eyes off Him. I have focused more on my own contribution to His kingdom than on the price He paid on my behalf. And the ironic part is that the more I focus on being externally selfless by donating my time and money, the less I see how I selfish I really am on the inside. I was just confronted yesterday with a list of all the self-centered things I have done in the past 4-5 days. It was a reality check. I have been living in Kathy’s World. Everything is about me. And dwelling on my problems and cares just magnifies my already natural, sinful tendency of making everything all about me. I have been so busy thinking about me that I didn’t even realize I was only thinking about me. Imagine.

So to bring this full circle, I see that my cynicism about life has come from an incorrect belief that the only thing that matters and is worthy of my time is service to God and things that contribute to the bottom line of my Christian walk, like prayer and time in the Word. That incorrect belief stems from a feeling of guilt caused by the notion that I should be doing more with my life because surely (I thought) that is what God expects and desires.

But I have left out the idea of God wanting me to experience pleasure, to have fellowship with Himself and to become more like Christ on the inside. God wants me to know Him, to enjoy Him, to enjoy life. Living a selfless life grows out of a deep, intimate relationship with the Father – it doesn’t come from some divine ability to be the Incredible Christian Superwoman. Instead of trying to live an externally selfless life filled with service, I should focus on becoming less selfish on the inside through spending time with Jesus.

As for those things that I consider “fluff,” God created me and everyone else to have certain interests and hobbies – which are good things! He does not expect to sacrifice all things we enjoy for the sake of serving His kingdom. God is not all work and no play! He created these things for us to enjoy them (1 Timothy 4:4-5). It is good that God gave me a passion for endurance sports and reading and an interest in cooking, health and nutrition, and wine. I can enjoy these things by thanking God for them, by seeking to know God more through them, and by using them in a way that glorifies and magnifies who God is.

God has also given us all unique personalities and dispositions. He created me with a need for downtime and relaxation in order to maintain my sanity. I cannot go, go, go. And because of that, I know that I cannot take on any more than I already have on my plate because the only result would be me having a nervous breakdown. And that doesn’t serve anyone.

So instead of focusing on everything I’m not doing (and feeling incredibly guilty), I see that I need to focus on being faithful and the best I personally can be with the roles that God has called me to fill at this stage in my life (in order of importance): 1) a follower of Christ, 2) a wife, 3) an employee, 4) a church member, 5) a friend, 6) a volunteer. I don’t want to overlook how I interact with and serve the most important people in my life just because I’m too concerned with how I’m not serving the poor and needy, not throwing perfect dinner parties, not wearing the latest fashions (or even always changing out of my pajamas), not the thinnest or the prettiest, not a fast runner, not successful, or any of the other things I obsess about in the course of a day.

This has gotten to be a long blog post but I can’t say how much this revelation has literally changed my life. I have been stuck in a rut of joylessness for SO LONG, not knowing how to get out of it, nor having the strength even to try. I feel like the psalmist when he said:

“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters…He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me” (Psalm 18:16,19).

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God” (Psalm 40:2-3).

God has rescued me.

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Wrestling with Life

8 Sep

I’ve been having a hard time with my job lately. I haven’t posted in a while because my job has hijacked my emotions and cast a dark, gloomy cloud over everything.

Or so it feels.

I got to talk to my good friend Holly last night (which was great!) and she said that she’s been learning that life is just one big paradox. That is exactly how I feel. So often I have conflicting, polar-opposite emotions and I feel slightly like a crazy lady who just needs to go out and find a shopping cart and cat already. I’m sure Travis’ mind reels at times when I spew emotional babble, going around in circles, talking about voices in my head and how I wish I could just shut my brain off.

I have to admit that I feel pretty alone in my struggle. It seems like I’m the only Christian I know who struggles with their job this much. Heck, who struggles with life this much. I keep analyzing, judging, questioning, wondering. I had finally gotten to a point after reading Just Do Something where I felt like I could just live and not hyper-analyze every little decision, like why I go grocery shopping at Safeway instead of King Soopers.

But then the bottom of my life fell out.

And now I’m back to feeling unsettled and disturbed every day. I wonder what’s the point of taking a shower and wearing nice clothes. I wonder how people have the motivation to eat healthy and care about their appearance. I wonder why God has made me this way – why can’t I just accept things at face value and move on like everyone else? I am angry that life is so freakin’ hard. I wonder why I can’t live in the joy and peace that Jesus talks about. I can’t even bring myself to believe in God’s promises right now. They seem so irrelevant and trite. If God is my strength to get through the day, then why do I still wake up wishing I had a different life?

The easy solution is to think that I just need a different job. And that may be so. But I’ve felt like this at pretty much every job I’ve had. And I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of trying to survive a life I don’t enjoy. I’m sick of working hard to find joy in things that really are void of joy. Doesn’t anyone else feel this way? How do people go through the daily grind of life and never want anything more? I want to know their secret because I am SICK of wrestling with my life.

I know that Christ is the answer – He always is. But my heart is floundering in the midst of my unbelief and I can’t make it back to shore.

I obviously have had this struggle before – I feel like every one of my blog posts is a repeat of the one before it. And back on November 9, 2005, I wrote this:

“My child, you don’t need to try. I see your life frequently overwhelm you and my heart breaks when I see your sin grieving your spirit so. But if it’s even possible, I love you infinitely more at these times when you are helplessly broken and down on yourself. Take heart, beloved, for all things are possible with Me and you are not without hope. I am your hope. I am your strength. I fight for you when you cannot fight for yourself. I uphold your soul when you let go of it. I gaze tenderly upon your defeated body, which is endearing to Me, and desire more than anything to control your life, to cleanse your heart, to satisfy your deepest longings, to take away your anguish, and give you nothing but quietness of soul. You don’t want to try so don’t. Let me do it. Please don’t run away, I beg you; rest in Me and you will find peace for your soul. My little sheep, cling to me and I promise that I will forever delight in calling you mine.”

I want to believe that this is God’s love for me. I want to believe that I can rest in Him, find peace and that He is the strength that enables me to get through each day. I want to believe.

Lord, help my unbelief.

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