Tag Archives: marriage

Our 4-year Anniversary

19 May

Today is our 4-year wedding anniversary. Every year, it seems hard to believe that we’ve been married for as long as we have. Time goes by so fast! And every year, I am once again amazed at God’s grace. He alone is the reason why our marriage is a blessing, why we still are in love with each other, and why we have weathered all the trials and storms of life intact and together.

They say that a good marriage isn’t about marrying the right person; it’s about being the right person. I have seen the truth of that so much over the past year. Just looking back on who I was a year ago, and what tenderness God has amazingly developed in my heart since then, I am struck by what a difference there is. In that year, I have realized how much my actions and words influence Travis. My being angry about something, even when not directed at Travis, makes him angry and is the beginning of a vicious cycle. When I don’t voice my emotions by telling Travis I love him and miss him, he is hurt. If I try to encourage Travis to look to God for hope and meaning but say it in a scolding tone, he gets discouraged.

On the positive side, I have learned to praise and thank Travis for all of the wonderful things he does to serve me. I have learned to appreciate the little things – how he mows our lawn, fixes our cars, cleans out our gutters. I have developed an admiration for his work ethic (instead of being annoyed at helping him with house projects), grown to be thankful for his hunting habits and truck purchase (they’ve come in handy), and been amazed at his thoughtfulness (getting up early with the dogs on a Saturday so that I can sleep in).

God has certainly done a work in my heart and head regarding marriage, and though I definitely still have a LONG way to go, I feel so incredibly blessed by the work God has done in my life. Not only that, but I’m extremely blessed by my wonderful husband. He has watched what feels like hundreds of Bones episodes with me (after House, The Office and Desperate Housewives), supported my expensive triathlon hobby, and allowed me to get two great dogs (both of which he had been determined to not get… but who can resist puppy dog eyes?). Even though he disagreed, he supported my decisions when I wanted to write my book instead of get a job, when I made sacrifices above and beyond the call of duty for my job last year, and when I decided to chop my hair off in January (though he ended up liking my haircut).

I have learned that marriage is about growing with the other person. It’s about learning to readjust your expectations, priorities, and desires to embrace what the other person values. I don’t like house projects and would almost never choose to do them out of my own free will. My husband, on the other hand, loves house projects and seemingly can’t get enough of them. On more than one occasion in the past year, I have actually volunteered my services to him, which he has eagerly taken me up on. Not only am I supporting Travis in his endeavors, I’m also taking a vested interest in the condition and quality of our home and yard. There is a certain satisfaction inherent in hard work.

I have also learned that a loving spouse encourages their counterpart pursue their passions, vision, and interests. So often, I hear about men whose wives “won’t let them” do certain things, or who are uptight and mistrusting about their husbands going out with friends, or buying a certain thing, or doing something without them. That is one thing God has abundantly blessed us with in our marriage — trust. While we don’t give one another the green light for everything without exception (godly accountability is necessary!), our decisions are always based on mutual trust. Our goal in all decisions is to give the benefit of the doubt. It’s easier said than done, and we often jump to judgments before we realize we’ve done so, but that’s what we’re working toward.

Lastly, I have decided that there is no formula for marriage. What works and is good for one couple may not work for another couple. While it is helpful to hear advice and suggestions from older, more experienced couples, you can’t turn those into the exact picture of what your marriage should be like. I think that as long as both people are satisfied and happy with the way things are, there’s no reason to change them, even if they aren’t what other people do (one qualifier: I’m talking about amoral things — immoral things are a different story). For example, Travis and I will often eat dinner in front of the TV. Much of the time we spend together in the evening is spent watching TV. If we’re both satisfied, does that behavior really merit changing? I don’t think so. I will admit, however, that I have asked Travis that we have one night a week where we do something that involves talking instead of watching TV. The biggest hindrance to us doing other things, I think, is that we get into a rut of working and then relaxing. Watching TV takes no effort and is something we can do together. Ergo, our addiction.

I realize that having only 4 years of marriage under my belt still qualifies me as a newlywed in many eyes but the wiser, older married couples only got wiser and older through the passing years, learning lesson by lesson, trial by trial, error by error. We can’t learn how to do the thing called marriage without actually doing it. It’s the ultimate hands-on experience.

Praise God for His grace!

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Blaming God for what I did.

14 Mar

I had a momentous realization on Friday morning of last week.

It started Tuesday night at my women’s book study. We’re reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller and the chapter was about viewing every event of our lives through the lens of God weaving His story. There was a little chart with two columns – one for not believing there was a story and the other for believing there was. With no story, we would be bitter, angry, cynical, and hopeless. With a story, we would be waiting, watching, hoping, praying and submitting.

The question was, Which of these do you see manifest in your life? My initial instinct while preparing for the meeting was that there was a story. Even though I didn’t really understand why God had used the things He had to tell His story in my life, I believed that there was one. But then during the meeting when we were discussing this, I all of a sudden had the thought that I struggled with seeing God’s story in the early years of my marriage. I had struggled so much with my own sin and being a person I didn’t want to be, that it was really hard to see how and why God had chosen that struggle to accomplish His purposes.

I ended up getting really emotional and asked the other women what they thought. One woman said that God never causes us to sin – we choose to sin. Another said that God disciplines us for our own good and that seeing our sin is a form of discipline. The whole time they were talking, I wanted to interrupt and say, “Yeah, but you don’t understand.” I felt like my problem went deeper than that.

After the meeting was over, I had no desire to even attempt light-hearted chit chat so I left abruptly. As I drove home, I wondered, “Why does this still bother me? I mean, I felt like I was over this. It was a hard time but God used it to bring me here.” I could see how my struggle with sin and my consequent accusation that God wasn’t helping me led to my decision to take control of my life. I could see how taking control of my life led to disillusionment and depression, and how that led to my realizing my dependence on God. I could see how it all worked together. Maybe that was all.

I mentioned it to Travis when I got home. He asked the same question I had – “Why does this still bother you? I mean, it’s in the past.” I started giving him an answer, but realized that I had none. I explained the sequence of events to him but it didn’t seem like the answer as to why it still bothered me.

The next morning, I was surprised to find an email in my inbox from a woman I had met during the book study. She said that she had an encouragement for me from the Lord and wanted to confirm my email address. I replied, saying it was the correct one. When I checked my email later that day, the woman said that she knew what it was like to struggle with God’s purpose when your own sin caused the situation. She wrote about how she had been angry with God after her parents died and had slipped into sin out of rebellion and anger. Even though she should have ended up “divorced, miserable and broke,” God’s grace had been “undeniably present” right “in the midst of the situation” and redeemed the situation.

I was again unsettled. I felt like the email signaled that God wanted to say something to me about this situation but why? I had dealt with this… I understood that God used it for my good. That was enough, wasn’t it? I wrote back that I could see how God had used the struggle in my life but that since it was relatively recent, I was just beginning to see that I was still mad at God for putting me through that. I felt like singing the song by The Fray, “Where were you when everything was falling apart? Why’d you have to wait?”

The next morning, I read the reply from the woman to my email and that got me thinking again. I still felt unsettled about the issue, like I was restless and wanted to go shake off the stiffness. I had to get dressed for my coffee date with my friend, Cathy, so I walked into our bedroom, still thinking, and I said, “Well I guess I’m wondering why You had to use my marriage. Why couldn’t You have used a problem at work or something, instead?” I felt God say, “It wouldn’t have broken you enough.” My complete brokenness had been God’s plan and purpose. I needed to come to the end of myself. I understood that I had been accusing God of abandoning me during that time, when He had been there all along. I re-read the woman’s first email, where she talked about God’s grace being undeniably present in the midst of the situation. God had been there. He had seen and gone through it all with me. I cried a little, thanking God for the insight.

Then during coffee with Cathy, I shared my realizations with her but didn’t get the reception I had expected. She said that she didn’t believe God used our sins in order to teach us lessons, that sins were part of living in a fallen world, and that He redeemed and freed us from our sins. She shared about one of her experiences of not seeing God do what she had wanted and how she had realized that she needed to first let go of the bitterness and anger she felt toward Him before she would feel release. She was the one who had been holding on to sin. I told her that in my first year of marriage, I had cried out to God for Him to help me, for Him to sanctify me and give me love for my husband, but that He hadn’t. And then one day, without any correlating realization or experience, things had gotten better. I couldn’t explain it. Why would I have gone through that if He hadn’t planned on using it? Why would He allow me to continue to struggle with sin if He didn’t have a purpose behind it? I don’t think Cathy and I ever really got on the same page—more just like we agreed to disagree. When she left, I felt unsettled again, like something just wasn’t right. I felt that way all day.

Friday morning, I was praying and thinking about what Cathy had said. The unsettled feeling returned. I tried to think through what I meant about God using it for a purpose. I understood it was my sin that caused it, but I kept thinking, God allowed it to happen; He could have stopped it if He had wanted to. Since He didn’t stop it, He must have had a purpose in it. That answer didn’t satisfy me—I still had the unsettled feeling—but I was sick of thinking about it. My brain hurt, I felt like I was going in circles. Finally, I asked God, “Why does it matter how I feel about the situation? What happened, happened, right? The situation is what it is. I mean, does it really matter?” I felt like God said, “Yes.” So reluctantly, I continued to think.

I started typing my thoughts. And the realizations started pouring out of me. I was blaming God for my sin. I was saying that my life would have been fine if God hadn’t caused me to go through that struggle, that I would have been fine without His plan. But the truth was, I was denying that I had desired for my marriage to go my way, to fulfill my own expectations, and for Travis to be the exact husband I wanted him to be. I was denying my selfishness and unbelief in God’s promises and plan.

I had tried to solve my marital problems on my own. I had run to God, yes—but only after all of my own efforts had failed miserably. Once I was done crying, what had I done? I went back to living in my own strength, only to fail again and wonder why God wasn’t blessing me. That’s the real story. It wasn’t that God had abandoned me—He just wouldn’t bless my efforts to live apart from Him.

And why would God bless my efforts to live apart from Him? That wouldn’t be for my eternal good. He would only be reinforcing my natural propensity for self-sufficiency and independence. It was God’s grace to me in that time that I was not successful in sanctification, because I wasn’t seeking Him in the midst of it. I was only seeking the solution to my situation, not the Solution for my soul.

The truth about walking in dependence on God showed up in my journals for the entire three and a half years of this struggle – God was trying to teach me that lesson the whole time. He was telling me the truth. But I refused it. I refused it. I said that it was too easy. Surely there was more to the Christian life than that. God stuck with me, through all of my sin and my misery and my refusal to believe the truth. And finally, I got to the place where  I was so broken, exhausted, and disillusioned that I could finally accept the truth. I had to try out all the solutions I could think of to life. I had to test out all of my theories, everything I could think of to be the meaning of life, before I could accept God’s definition and meaning. I would not accept God until I had proven everything else wrong. I was SO pig-headed! God was SO faithful and patient!

As I realized all of this, I started crying. This awesome truth humbled me to the core.  Even the way God revealed it to me had His fingerprints all over it. I am absolutely amazed at the way God works in the lives of those He loves. Amazed. This discovery further proves that God’s glory is our joy. The more I think about the situation, the more I am convinced that it could be no other way than this: me being humbled and God being exalted. I need to be needy and God needs to be sufficient. I need to admit my sin and see God in all of His shining, brilliant holiness. I am fickle, finite, and wretched; He is faithful, forgiving, and loving.

It’s funny – it seems counter-intuitive that such release should come from understanding that the whole situation was my fault. I think my flesh was resisting the discovery of the truth for that very reason – it puts the blame squarely on my shoulders. But that is slight compared to how it magnifies God. I had been tarnishing His character and reputation. I had been questioning His goodness, faithfulness and wisdom. I had been doubting His love for me. But now, I see God’s character, reputation, goodness, faithfulness, wisdom and love for me utterly magnified and shining in all its eternal brilliance. There is no reason to doubt His character or purpose – God is even MORE amazing than I could have fathomed! Not only has He used my struggle to bring me into a deeper relationship with Him, He demonstrated utter faithfulness and patience to me when I could not have deserved it less.

This realization has had implications that reach even farther into my Christian walk but I will save that for another post. For now, I will just say Praise the Lord for revealing my sin to me!

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The big picture

31 Dec

Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I figured I might as well do the quintessential blog post: reminiscing about 2010 and looking forward to 2011.

2010 was a hard year for me but because of that, it was also life-changing. From March until last week, I had a job that constantly pushed me beyond my comfort zone, challenged me in ways I have never before been challenged, and forced me to run to God every day to maintain my sanity and character. I can look back on this past year and see God’s faithfulness and steadfast love everywhere.

I learned that I rely on my own ability to get things done instead of trusting in God and His timing and plan. I found that I often “feel responsible” for things and that prevents me from letting God be responsible. God showed me that my claiming responsibility is what stresses me out. I need to be faithful in what I can control but the overarching theme and thought of my life needs to be trust in God for all of the mundane, practical details, as well as the big picture items.

Work-wise, I learned that I do not do well working from home. I like an office. I like interaction with people. I like unexpected interruptions (self, remember this when they happen!). I also learned that I like change but only in the context of routine. I am much more happier doing tedious administrative tasks than I am managing big picture things. I am a details person. The job I am doing in the church office right now is exactly what I enjoy doing. (As such, I am really hoping that they hire me full-time! But more on that another time.)

Through numerous coffee dates with my good friend Cathy, I have also learned a lot about what it means to be victorious in Christ. I have made huge progress in my long struggle with loathing myself and constantly seeing sin. Through talking with Cathy, reading books, and insight from the Holy Spirit, I have seen that resting in the cross doesn’t mean I ignore my sin – it means the cross is bigger than my sin. Enjoying who God has made me to be doesn’t mean I enjoy the sins I commit – it means that I am able to trust God to conform me to Christ and unveil to me and others who I really am.

In short, as I look back on 2010, I praise God for His work in my life. I struggled, I failed, I didn’t believe, I didn’t trust, I handled situations poorly. But God brought me through it all. I honestly can say that I wouldn’t have made it without Him. The thing I love the most about going through struggles like this is very simple: when I have a good day, when I feel joyful and peaceful, I know that is from God. He is the source of that feeling. And I feel so immensely blessed by Him. I wouldn’t feel that way had I not gone through a very rough year of a lot of bad days.

As I look forward to 2011, I have to admit that I hope it is easier than 2010 was. But I also hope that God does just as much work in my life. So I will, with His help, joyfully accept whatever means God employs to bring about that sanctification.

I am hoping to find a job (whether at the church or elsewhere) that fits me well. After having a job that I pretty much hated in every aspect, I no longer underestimate what a job can do to your entire well-being. Right now, though, I am very content with working part-time at the church. I got a lot of things crossed off my To-Do List this week!

I am also hoping to write a lot. Being a writer is my dream. I just read in John Eldredge’s book Walking With God, “More often that not this awakening of desire is an invitation from God to seek what we’ve given up as lost, an invitation to try again.” So I’m going to respond to God’s invitation and try again.

Spiritually, I want to pursue an even deeper, more intimate relationship with Christ, as described in Eldredge’s book that I just read. I want to be so close to Christ that I can hear him speak to me. That I seek His opinion on every decision, that I walk with Him all day, every day. It’s a lofty goal. But a very rewarding one. And even a little progress is better than none! I also want to be more intentional about reading – I have averaged about 15 books a year for the past 3 years. I want to increase that to 25 or so. But I also don’t want to burn through books so fast that I don’t remember anything. Kind of defeats the point of reading. So 25 is a loose goal.

Emotionally, I want to be more open and vulnerable in my marriage. I just recently realized that a lot my spiritual battles this year I fought alone. I didn’t let Travis know that I was struggling so much. And when I think about why, I see pride everywhere. With God, I can admit that I’m weak and pathetic. With Travis, I can’t. I think this emotional withholding from Travis has bigger implications and effects than I can even recognize right now. So I want to grow in being vulnerable and humble with Travis.

And finally, blog-wise, I think I am going to change my blog title again. When I changed it from Learning and Loving It to Joy in Being Broken, I was in the midst of my struggle with hating myself because I was so focused on my sins and failures. I thought that God was teaching me to find joy in Him even despite hating myself. As I’ve grown and understood more truth this year, I believe that we don’t find joy in being broken – we find joy in God healing us. We are broken as sinners – we are healed as God’s beloved children. We find joy as we see the cross conquer our sinful natures, as we find freedom from the things that bind us, as we anticipate heaven and perfection.

I haven’t yet decided what my new blog title will be. I’ve thought about something like “More Than Ordinary” to reflect my desire to live a life that rises above the status quo to glorify God. I’ve also thought about something incorporating the idea of being healed through the cross or discovering truth. I’m totally open to suggestions!

All that to say, I’m excited for a new year! Happy New Year to all of you!

reminiscing

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My wonderful husband

20 Aug

Marriage is like life. There are times when everything is falling apart around you and you feel like you can’t take even just one more step or your entire life might implode. Then there are times when everything is going right. You feel at peace with the world, you enjoy little things that you usually don’t notice, and you feel like your life is better than you deserve.

Right now, I’m in one of those happy times with Travis. Marriage hasn’t always been coming-up-roses. There have been hard times when I wondered WHY is marriage so HARD? There have been times when I really couldn’t handle being in the same room as the man I married. There have been countless times when I have broken down in a fit of sobs because I so fail to be the wife I want to be.

And while I still have not attained to being the wife I want to be, I have to praise the Lord for what our marriage is. Travis has been so amazing to me in the past couple of months that I am just in awe of the man I married. He cooks me dinner when I get home utterly exhausted from a long work trip. He buys me flowers just because he knows I like them. He cleans the house and does laundry when I don’t have the time. He tells me he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife (even if I don’t *quite* believe that last part). He supports my interests and hobbies. He doesn’t get mad when I cook tofu for dinner instead of steak.

In short, he is just absolutely incredible.

When Travis and I first started dating, I remember feeling amazed at who Travis was. How he treated me with respect and love, how he went out of his way to make me feel special, how his character remained solid even in the face of temptation and badgering. I felt so blessed by God because Travis truly was everything I had wanted in a man – so much so that I really hadn’t thought a man like Travis even existed. But he did.

But despite it being Travis doing all the sweet, thoughtful things for me, I know that our marriage is God’s work. It is God who has been our hope during the hard times, softened our hearts when we wanted so much to be spiteful, kept our commitment to one another firm when it seemed like we were so at odds, given us love for one another when our hearts felt dry and barren. God has given us so much and I can honestly say that I don’t know how couples make it in marriage without God. And not just believing that God exists but calling upon His strength and wellsprings of love day after day, week after week.

Because of God’s grace, I am committed to Travis until death do us part. I am committed to supporting and loving him, to encouraging and respecting him, for our entire lives together. But when I feel so in love with Travis like I do now, when his smile gives me butterflies, his touch comforts me, and his thoughtfulness melts my heart, I feel God pouring so much of His grace into my lap that it is overflowing and covering the floor. I feel God’s work in my life, creating these emotions that my stone-hearted person of flesh doesn’t have naturally. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve Travis. I don’t deserve redemption or eternal life. But that’s the kind of God we have – the kind who gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything back. The kind who gives the most at the times when we are the least deserving.

Before Travis and I were engaged, I struggled a lot with believing that God could bless me through a man. My only experience with guys had been heartbreak and disappointment. But God has proven over and over that He can indeed bless me through whatever means He wants – and I praise Him that He has chosen one of those ways to be my husband.

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Renewed

17 Jun

Physically, I had a splitting headache yesterday afternoon and evening. I had a hard time falling asleep, it hurt so bad. I tried drinking lots of fluids and taking aspirin but to no avail. Luckily, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I definitely need to drink more water, to prevent it from happening again.

Spiritually, this week I have been lethargic and indifferent. Getting in the Word has been on my “To-Do List” since Monday – yet, I just “checked it off” today (it’s not really something to be checked off but lately. I’ve had so much stuff running through my head that I want to get done, that I had to create a list. Getting in the Word was one of the things I wanted to do, but just hadn’t done. No excuses.)

This morning, I woke up with a desire to spend time with God. A devotion by Oswald Chambers led me into thinking about my life before I was a Christian and I was reminded of how different my life is from then, even when I don’t pursue the Lord. God continues to bless me, seemingly regardless of my commitment and devotion to Him. Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful. In church on Sunday, we sang “Jesus Paid It All.” The one lyric of that song that really gets to me is “Jesus died my soul to save.” Thinking about standing in front of God after my life here on earth and having that be my only claim, my only boast, humbles me in a very profound way. Despite anything I may accomplish here on earth (or in spite of the things I don’t accomplish here), despite anything I may boast in now, that will still be the only reason why I should be allowed into heaven. “Jesus died my soul to save.”

One of the huge blessings in my life lately has been my marriage. Back in April, Travis had 2 levee inspections lasting 10 days each, with a 5 day break in between. I was going to leave for Las Vegas for a race before he got back from the first and not return until he had left for the second. So we weren’t going to see each other for about 3 weeks straight. To Travis, that was unacceptable. To me, it was just part of my job. Travis was really bothered by my lack of concern and God used that to show me how I hadn’t been paying attention to or appreciating Travis – I was so consumed by my own issues and concerns that I was no longer caring for him.

Since then, our marriage has been amazing. My affection for Travis has increased something like 400% and our arguments have all but stopped. We still get on each other’s nerves at times but on the whole, we have a lot of fun together and are very much in love. The fourth year of marriage, so far, has been better than either of the first 3!

That has been unexpected one perk of my job – when we have days off together, we are intentional about spending time with each other. Memorial Day, we planted flowers and went biking. We go on walks together, play Scrabble, go shopping, and talk. It has been great!

I do miss the summer weekends with Travis – we have yet to go camping or hiking together and won’t get a chance until the end of July. But last summer, we had plenty of opportunities to go and didn’t take them – because our weekends together weren’t as precious as they are now.There’s definitely something to be said for spending some time apart (but not too much time!)

I have gone through such a range of emotions in 3 years of marriage that I know anything good that happens with Travis and me is from the Lord. He is the One who gives me love for my husband; who allows me to respect him, appreciate him, and enjoy him; who shows me when I am in the wrong and need to repent. I fail so miserably on my own that I can truly say I owe my marriage to God and Him alone. Despite my sinfulness and seeming determination to destroy a good thing, God continues to renew it and change it into something that glorifies Him.

I especially like the verse from “Jesus, My Only Hope” that goes:

Though I am poor and naked

Your prodigal come home

You place your robe upon me

Your holiness alone

Though I be dry and barren,

By grace this love springs forth

Love for you and your kingdom,

Joy in your glory Lord

Before I knew Christ, I was heartless and empty – and can still be that way when left to myself. But God, ever faithful and ever blessing, renews my heart and gives me affections, emotions – love for Himself, love for my husband, and joy in knowing Him.

What an amazing God!

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Defeated.

29 Mar

I apologize ahead of time for the jumbled mess I expect this post to be. I have a lot going through my mind.

Travis is frustrated with my job. It makes me feel like he’s frustrated with me, since I’m the one with the job that is frustrating him.

I don’t handle his frustration well. To me, the things he is frustrated over aren’t that big of a deal. So we have to add a shelf to the garage to store my equipment. So we can’t park the Pathfinder in the garage for 2 days because I need the Sequoia in there, to keep the $50K worth of equipment safe. So what?

The ways we’re different usually complement each other – he’s good at things I’m not good at and vice versa and it works out well for both of us. This is one of those instances, though, that the ways we’re different divide us and cause misunderstandings like there’s no tomorrow. I am not a question asker. Some people are just naturally inquisitive – they look at the sky and instead of saying “The sky is blue,” they ask “Why is the sky blue?” I am the person who states; Travis is the person who asks.

So when circumstances in my job have been different than what we expected – say, having to store equipment at our house or my having to be gone for an entire week for our races or my receiving $3K less than I had originally heard from D – I accept them as fact. I need to have the equipment at our house because I’ll be using it every weekend. I have to be gone for an entire week because they need me on site for race coordination. It’s ok to be paid a little less because money isn’t my priority and I will have a job I like.

I suspect that all of the unexpected things are making the expected things even harder for Travis to bear – things like my being gone most weekends during the summer, my having to work more than 40 hours a week, and my having to be available 24/7. He’s been making little comments here and there since I took this job and I didn’t realize how much or why they were upsetting me until today. He passes them off as jokes or “stating the facts” – but I know him well enough to know that they are neither. He is voicing his frustration indirectly. And because his frustration is caused by my job, I feel like I am the source of his frustration.

Travis told me tonight that he feels like this job is asking for a lot of sacrifices from me and not giving anything back. Just a few minutes ago, he walked into the bedroom and asked if I was working, since he saw me on my laptop. When I don’t exercise one day, it’s because this job is taking over my life. When I don’t cook dinner, it’s because of the job. When I answer the phone at 7 AM, I’m working too hard. When I check email on a Saturday morning, I’m becoming obsessed. When I can’t run an errand one day during normal work hours, the job is too demanding. When I am still working when Travis gets home from class, the job is asking too much. When I have to park the work car in the garage and the Pathfinder has to go on the street, it’s absolutely ridiculous what my job asks of me.

I agree that this job has come with a lot more sacrifices than my previous one. But we knew that before I took the job and I feel like my hands are tied on a lot of this. I guess that is precisely the mentality that is causing this distress between us. I view these changes as necessary to the job – this is what the job is calling for, and therefore, what I have to do. If I want the job, I have to do it this way. Duty calls, so to speak. So when changes come up, I accept them as fact, before consulting Travis – because in my view, these aren’t negotiable. They are what they are. If there is equipment to store in my garage, I will store the equipment in my garage.

Travis, on the other hand, views these changes as negotiable. Everything is negotiable to him. Well, maybe they are when you think to ask questions and dive into specifics on the spot, right at the time the decision is being made. But when you’re like me, and you’ve already agreed to things without asking questions, it’s a little harder to put your foot down. To sum it up, I commit without asking and Travis gets mad.

I can understand why he’s mad, in some ways. He is the man of the household and as much as my feminist girlpower independent rebel wants to come out and say “Screw him, he can get over it, I can make my own freakin’ decisions,” I want to be a godly woman in this situation. I want to submit to my husband and to respect his emotions, because they are real. I can see that my not consulting Travis could feel, to him, like I am disrespecting him and not caring what he thinks about anything. That is totally not my intention. I do care what he thinks – I just haven’t consulted him because I didn’t think there was anything to discuss.

I feel defeated by Travis, by my job, by life. “Ok, you got me to feel like crap. Happy?” I feel like Travis isholding everything he’s frustrated by against me – that he is no longer frustrated by my job – he is frustrated by ME. That when he looks at me, he sees the source of his frustration. That everything I do proves his point. I asked him tonight if he wants me to quit. He hesitated and then said “No” in a tone that said “Of course not, how could you possibly think that?” But I don’t buy it. I think that was a lie.

Which makes me wonder many questions. What is so different about this job than any other? Why does Travis care so much? Is he worried about our marriage? Did he not want me to take the job in the first place? Is he jealous for some reason? Does he not like me traveling? Why are these such big sacrifices for him? Is he scared that I’ll end up working and doing nothing else? Does he not trust me? Is he mad at me for something I don’t know about? Is he bitter at me for accepting the job without talking about it with him again? Why can’t he forgive me for that? What can I do to make things better? Am I unknowingly making things worse?

I do know one thing though – if things in our marriage don’t improve, I will seriously consider quitting this job. I am committed to my husband and he has to be my number 1 priority. Even if I really like this job and think that Travis is being unreasonable, if this causes too much strain on our marriage, the job isn’t worth it.

I also know that without Travis’ support behind me (which I don’t feel like I have right now), being gone and having such weird hours is going to be really hard – perhaps unbearable. I don’t want our marriage to suffer because of this – if I had thought it would when I was offered the job, I would not have accepted it. I thought that a little time apart would be good for me and Travis, since we’ve had oodles of time together since we’ve been married. But if Travis isn’t supportive of this job, it isn’t going to be good for our marriage.

All of this uncertainty, stress and struggle also makes me wonder, if this is the way things are going to be, why did God lead me down this path if this is what was in store for us? Why let me change jobs if this was going to be the result all along? Why this?

To which I know God replies, “Trust Me.”

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Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary

7 Jun

Travis and I have been married for 2 years, as of May 19th. So crazy to think it’s already been 2 years! When asked if it feels like it’s been 2 years, I have to answer “Yes and no. It doesn’t feel like 2 years because it has gone so fast. But it does seem like 2 years when I think about everything that has happened since we got married.”

I have to praise the Lord by saying that our marriage is wonderful. I couldn’t always say that honestly… The first year and a half were really hard. I knew that I was still committed to Travis and our marriage but I really couldn’t say that I was joyful. I was frustrated, annoyed, and confused. The things that were hard about our marriage were definitely not the things that I expected to be hard.

But praise God for His faithfulness. I don’t know how non-Christians make marriage work. If I hadn’t had God to rely on, trust in, and live through me, I’m scared to think what would have happened to us. Not I think we would’ve thought about divorce but I definitely think we would’ve been more distant and drifted toward more independent lives (like what happens to a lot of married couples over the years).

The thing that I have appreciated about Travis the most over the past 2 years is his genuine love for me. While like any sinful human being, he can say insensitive, rude things in the heat of the moment and isn’t always as considerate as I think he should be, he is incredibly sweet and thoughtful. Often, I’ll notice he did something and remark about it to him. His response: “I know my Bubs likes it that way.”

I think the biggest thing that has changed to make our marriage better is that we can laugh about our differences and annoying quirks instead of getting angry and resentful (which was what was happening before).

Anyway, since our anniversary was on a Tuesday and the 2 weekends after it we were re-roofing our house, we just celebrated our anniversary this weekend. (We did go out to eat on our anniversary to an upscale Mexican restaurant downtown Denver called Tamayo.)

Friday night, we went to an O.A.R. concert at Red Rocks Amphitheatre. It rained a little when we got there but luckily it held off for the whole concert. There was a lot of lightning in the sky over Denver throughout the night.

The storm clouds

The storm clouds

Red Rocks

Red Rocks

A crazy cloud

A crazy cloud

Trav and me

Trav and me

O.A.R. put on a great concert. We weren’t crazy about the opener (Brett Dennen) but O.A.R. was great. They had a really good sound, great stories, and awesome lights.

Yesterday, we drove up to Leadville, CO, to go hiking. We had heard that the little town was pretty cool and it was very quaint and cute.

Some beautiful scenery

Some beautiful scenery

A cool bridge built back in the 30s (so I hear)

A cool bridge built back in the 30s (so I hear)

This house has a fence made out of old skis! We saw a lot of quirky houses in Leadville...a lot of them have different shaped shingles (ala the Victorian Age) painted in bright colors.

This house has a fence made out of old skis!

We saw a lot of quirky houses like this in Leadville...a lot of them have different shaped shingles (ala the Victorian Age) painted in bright colors.

We saw a lot of quirky houses like this in Leadville...a lot of them have different shaped shingles (ala the Victorian Age) painted in bright colors.

 We did a 5 mile hike up to Timberline Lake. The hike started at about 10,000 feet and got up to 10,866, where the lake is.

On the trail

On the trail

 About 1.5 miles into our hike, we came to a flooded area where our only choices were to either turn around or walk through the water. I wasn’t a fan of the idea at first but eventually we took off our boots and socks and walked through the water barefoot. Since it’s mountain runoff, the water was absolutely FREEZING! It wasn’t that bad while we were still in it but immediately after we stepped out of the water, our feet and ankles just stung.

The freezing mountain water we had to walk in

The freezing mountain water we had to walk in

After we walked through that water, we had to cross a stream that was ripping pretty good. The bottom was all river rock so while it wasn’t sharp or pokey, it was a little slippery. Luckily, neither of us fell in.

The mountain stream

The mountain stream

Travis with his boots, ready to cross the stream

Travis with his boots, ready to cross the stream

Farther up, we had to cross the stream again but this time, there was a makeshift bridge.

Me crossing the bridge

Me crossing the bridge

Most of the climb happened after those two stream crossings. It just seemed to keep going up and up. Finally, we got to the lake. 

Timberline Lake

Timberline Lake

It was very pretty but unfortunately, as is the case with all lakes at that high of an altitude, the wind whips across the lake and makes it absolutely freezing. Makes it hard to sit there and enjoy the views.

Another view of the lake

Another view of the lake

Do I look cold?

Do I look cold?

Needless to say, we spent about 10 minutes at the lake and then headed back down.
Crossing the stream again on the way back

Crossing the stream again on the way back

Beautiful view of the snow-capped mountains

Beautiful view of the snow-capped mountains

Closeup of the weird/cool plants

For some reason, I find these weird plants really cool.

After our hike, we drove around Leadville, looking at all the quirky houses and then the abandoned mining buildings and equipment. Both Travis and I find it fascinating that people actually used to mine there, use those buildings and tools…I love that kind of history–learning about and seeing how people used to live.
Some old mining buildings and equipment

Some old mining buildings and equipment

Leadville, CO

Leadville, CO

We ate dinner at Tennesse Pass Cafe in Leadville (great little restaurant) and then drove back to Denver. When we got back, we went to see Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell. It was very entertaining–not Will Ferrell’s funniest but still pretty cute.

Today we went to church, then looked at puppies (so cute!!) and tools at the mall. We want to get a golden retriever but haven’t been able to find an affordable puppy (cheapest we’ve found is $800).

It was a great anniversary weekend. Looking forward to #3!

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Waiting upon God

4 Mar

Tired but happy. That’s how I would describe my mood today. Since going to Columbus last Thursday for the National Youth Ministry Conference, I have felt like myself again. Happy. Positive. Social. Energetic. Alive. I had been in a funk for so long that I actually forgot I was in a funk.

It’s good to be out.

But now I’m battling a cold. Boo. I like to think that because I take care of myself through eating healthy and exercising regularly, I’m somehow above getting sick. My sore throat and achy body remind me that I’m not.

The conference was great though. I felt very blessed by the opportunity to go. It was great getting to bond with my co-workers (and bosses!) outside of work. My roomie was Debb, the Exec VP of Ministry Advancement (a.k.a. my boss’ boss). She’s the head of our side of the ministry. She’s great–very business savvy and driven but also very down-to-earth, friendly, and open about her life. That’s one of the things that I really love about being a Christian–there’s this authenticity regardless of your status or rank that you just don’t find anywhere else–because we know that we are all sinners in need of a Savior.

So here’s a tiny recap of what we did at the conference (I’ll try not to bore you with details): Thursday, we flew into Columbus and set up the booth. Friday, the conference started. I had 2 shifts in the booth (meet and greet kind of thing) for a total of 4.5 hours (but I also worked on marketing copy when not in the booth). Saturday, we had two 2-hour track sessions. I helped set up our room and the tables with all of our handouts, centerpieces, decorations, etc. Sunday, same thing. Two 2-hour track sessions. Monday, Super Session (90-minute condensed version of the previous 4 sessions), booth teardown, and repalletizing. Flew back to Denver (and I got to have lunch with Rick Lawrence, the editor of Group Magazine!! How cool is that?!?! I feel like the nerdy kid who gets to meet all these cool, important people as I tag along with Greg Stier and Debb).

During the mornings and afternoons of the conference, the sessions took up pretty much all of my time so the only general sessions I was able to go to were the evening ones (that ran from 7:00-9:15). I got to see the band Braddigan (Brad Corrigan was the lead singer of Dispatch!) and Derek Webb in concert, as well as hear Doug Fields and Alex and Brett Harris speak. I also got a bunch of freebies, which is always fun. 🙂 I went to one late night session (from 9:30-11:30 so it got pretty late after a long day!), a documentary that Braddigan made about a concert they played for a garbage dump community in Nicaragua. It was very moving and sad. It made me realize that it is only by God’s grace and providence that I was born into a middle class family in the United States. I could’ve just as easily been born in a garbage dump in Nicaragua. It has renewed my conviction that I need to do something with my privilege, instead of just living for myself. More on that some other day. 🙂

For the time being, work is pretty busy, which is great. During one of our many chats, Debb told me something that has convicted me and clarified a lot of my career struggles. She said that if I concentrate on what she called my current “circle of influence” (the areas that I have influence and impact on now) and seek to do my current job with excellence, more opportunities will be given to me. I can’t concentrate only on what I want to be doing (while slacking on what’s right in front of me), because opportunities aren’t given to people who don’t prove themselves. I have to work myself into where I want to be. Jesus said Matthew 25:21, “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.”  

That is convicting because I  have been guilty of half-hearted work at my current job. I haven’t sought to do the job with excellence. I have done the status quo. There has been a nagging thought in the back of my mind (no doubt from the Holy Spirit) that I am not glorifying the Lord with lukewarm efforts. I have tried to motivate myself to be more enthusiastic, to no avail. But something changed over the weekend: I realized that Debb believes in me and wants me to advance beyond where I am right now. It’s amazing what a difference that makes, to have someone championing you and wanting you to succeed and be the best you can be. It makes me want to be the best I can be. It makes me realize that I do have potential and I just need to apply it.

What Debb said is also clarifying because as she is older and wiser than me, and has gone through a lot of the struggles I’m going through right now, she can speak truth and wisdom into them. She reminded me that I am not in charge of where my life goes. I don’t need to (and can’t) direct it, plan it out, chart in a graph. God does that. I just have to be faithful with where I am right now. There is an Elisabeth Elliot quote that I used to reference constantly when Travis and I were dating:

I wait dear Lord. Thy ways are past finding out. Thy love too high. O hold me still beneath Thy shadow. It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance. I wait – because I am commanded so to do. My mind is filled with wonderings. My soul asks “Why?” But then a quiet word, “Wait thou only upon God.” And so not even for the light to show a step ahead, but for Thee, dear Lord, I wait.

What an amazing woman of God! Her testimony provided immeasurable assurance to me in the midst of the greatest spiritual struggle I’ve had. And those words of wisdom still apply here, to what is, deep down, the same struggle in a different disguise. Then, I wanted to know if Travis and I would get married. Now, I want to know what God’s will and plan for my life is.

It’s easy for me to put a certain spin on my sin so that it doesn’t look like sin, per se, but more like just a character flaw. For example, with my body image, instead of outrightly saying, “God, I don’t like the body you’ve given me,” I put a spin on it and say “Well, I’m not content with my body because I’m not vigilant enough with diet and exercise.” Another example, Travis struggles with feeling jealous of other couples who have bought bigger, nicer houses than we did. Instead of outrightly saying, “God, the house You provided us isn’t good enough for me,” he spins it and says “Well, maybe we should have looked at foreclosures more. Maybe I made a poor real estate deal.” By putting the blame on ourselves, we can “get away with” being discontent in and with God (only in the sense that we don’t immediately recognize it as being discontent with God).

In the same way, I’ve put a spin on my struggle with life direction and career, etc. I’ve told myself, “Well, I’m the one who has to act. God can’t make my life be what He wants it to be if I’m being lazy and self-interested all the time.” Those excuses have been covering up my unbelief in God’s plan. Unbelief in His ability and willingness to guide my life. I pray for God to reveal His will for my life, all the while expecting for His will to look completely different than my life looks right now. Why? I haven’t consciously subverted God’s will. I’m not living in sin. Why would God’s will be different than my life right now? Whether I believe it or not, God is leading me.

I’ve also put this spin on my struggles with marriage. Instead of waiting upon God and turning to Him for help, I told myself, “Well, it’s my own sin that is causing these situations. How can I approach God for help with this when it’s all my fault in the first place?!?”

I realized over the weekend that I have been silently accusing God of not helping me–mostly in my marriage, but all areas of my life have been affected. I have been spinning my wheels, so to speak, in trying to better my marriage, my job, myself–for so long that I thought God and His Spirit had abandoned me to my own devices. If my marriage was going to improve or I was going to figure out my life, I was going to have to do it myself. Kay Warren wrote in her book, Dangerous Surrender, that Saddleback had been waiting for a church building of their own for 13 years. After many setbacks and hurdles, there was yet another. “Certainly we believed…in God’s timing…but eventually it got so old.” Certainly I believe in God’s power to sanctify and guide me…but being stuck and in the dark has gotten so old.

That’s where Elisabeth Elliot’s quote comes into play. I ask “Why?” and God says “Wait thou only upon God.” Don’t wait upon an answer, a breakthrough, a promotion, a better body, a better self–wait thou only upon God.

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Back to where I started

12 Feb

As I was pondering my marriage last night, and why I still struggle with feeling annoyed all the time at my husband’s displays of affection (which, for those who don’t know, include butt slapping, boob grabbing, tummy squeezing, and other things I won’t describe), I decided that the big virtue I’m missing is patience. The biggest reason why Travis annoys me is because I always feel bothered, interrupted. He’ll try to hug me in the middle of me doing the dishes. Or he’ll have to grab me while I’m drying my hair. My inner (and sometimes outer) voice asks, “Why can’t he just wait until I’m done?” Then I realize that I’m never “done,” especially in the morning. I always have an agenda, things I have on my mental tasklist. When I get in “Task Mode,” as I like to call it, I act like a bulldozer: “Get out of my way or I’ll run you over.”

When I was single and even while we were dating/engaged, I had plenty of “me time,” time when I could be as efficient and task-oriented as I wanted to be. I didn’t have to stop for or be interrupted by anyone wanting attention, as Travis so often does.  

My problem is that I am always kind of in that mode. I am an efficient, task-oriented person. It is not like me to dawdle, lag, or lollygag. I don’t even know if I can do those things. Travis, on the other hand, is a more relaxed person. The only time I can imagine him being in Task Mode is when he’s out in the garage, working on whatever he works on out there. (And during those times, I hardly ever bother him, and I never bother him for hugs and kisses because he’s dirty and sweaty!!) Most of the time, Travis is watching TV, reading, looking up sports scores (a mind-numbing activity if you ask me), or researching random things on the internet. He hardly ever minds when I interrupt him and even less so if it’s for physical affection.

So I see that I need patience and humility. I realized last Saturday that I had been subconsciously demanding everything be my way or the highway (but really, I want it to be my way). When we first moved out to Colorado, I had done a one-day, skimming-the-surface topical study on each Fruit of the Spirit. So last night I looked up my journal entry on patience. And there it was, clear as day:

“To be patient and endure undesirable circumstances, I must be humble. I must renounce all my claims to have things, people, and situations be what I want them to be.”

That was written on November 12, 2007.

WHAT?!?!? I knew that back THEN and am only realizing it again NOW, a year and a half later? That was exactly what I realized on Saturday and there it was, sitting in my journal all this time. I’m back to where I started.

I am thankful today that God is faithful and most of all, patient. He waited until I was ready to surrender my own efforts and rely on Him to remind me of this truth, a truth that I happened upon unexpectedly 15 months ago.

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God’s love is so real

7 Feb

Have I told you that I love Saturday mornings? I love being able to spend as much time reading the Bible, listening to worship songs, and praying as I want, without having to worry about being late to work.

Today was even better than usual. This past week has been rough. If you read my blog regularly, you know that my job has been a frustrating situation. You also probably know that I have been wondering what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

What you may not know is that I have also been struggling in my marriage.

Travis and I are very different people in more ways than one. This is not news. While we were dating, I would’ve said that I loved the fact that we were so different because it made life interesting.

Well, it certainly does add drama.

Travis is a very playful, fun-loving guy. He likes to make jokes, quote movies, sing silly songs, and slap my butt. He creates his own words. He plays with his way-too-long-right-now hair by combing it over to the side (so he looks like a computer nerd).

I can be playful too. But since getting married, I have not been. Instead, all the things listed above have driven me up the wall. Every time he sings a song, I ask him to stop. When he slaps my butt, I get angry. When he quotes movie lines, I roll my eyes. When he pulls his hair down in a peak over his forehead, I muss it up because I can’t stand looking at it.

My seemingly unending annoyance at Travis has been a source of inner turmoil. I don’t like that I feel that way about my husband. What happened to me loving his sense of humor and playful ways? What happened to make me turn into this stern, cold-hearted, serious biatch?

Things have admittedly gotten better over the year and 8 months that we’ve been married. I am little by little learning to love all of Travis. But for the past few weeks, I have been drowning in my failures. Feeling miserable. Wondering how our marriage ended up like this. Confused about how to change the situation. Feeling doubtful about being able to do so even if I did know how. Lacking hope that anything would ever get better. Wanting to give up.

Last night, a series of events happened that brought all of this to a head. I asked Travis to make part of dinner so I could shower after working out. As I walked by the kitchen, he tossed the bag of frozen vegetables to me (because he thinks that sort of thing is fun). I was annoyed (big surprise) and confused about why he would think such a thing is fun so I threw it back a little harder than I should have. That small situation was a big reminder of how different Travis and I are. I got into the shower silently shouting at God, “Why are we so different?!?!? How can I live like this?!?!?”

Then we went to see Australia starring Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. As we were walking out of the theater, I mentioned to Travis that the movie was way too long for me (2.5 hours). “Well that’s pretty much how long every movie is these days,” he replied. “No, they’re more like 1.5 to 2 hours long,” I said. “Oh ok, 2 hours as compared to 2 and a half. Sorry,” he retorted.

Angry and annoyed at Travis, I stopped talking, except for a few short sentences repeating my sentiment that the movie was way too long. We were almost home before Travis emerged from zoning out (which he does often) and realized that I hadn’t been talking. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

How to answer that? There were so many thoughts racing through my head. I was overwhelmed by our differences and losing hope that we would ever be able to reconcile them. Were we doomed to this distance between us for the rest of our lives?

I asked Travis if he ever felt overwhelmed by how different we are. “Not really,” he said. “But I’m guessing that you do?”

I couldn’t answer with words. I just started crying. I couldn’t fix our marriage and yet it wasn’t at all what I wanted it to be like. What was I supposed to do about it?

I laid down on the couch when we got home and Travis kneeled beside me. I completely lost it. My body was racked with grief and Travis just simply pulled me to his chest. It was the absolute best feeling in the world, to be so utterly broken and sinful, yet so utterly loved at the same time. Crying made me feel better (as it always does), yet I went to bed still feeling helpless and hopeless, begging to God to do something to remedy the situation.

He did just that this morning. I’ve been studying Romans in my quiet times and I have been in Romans 5 this past week. The verses about suffering, endurance, character and hope really spoke to me, because I feel like I have been suffering for a long time, at my own hand.

Today I was focused on hope. What is hope? Hope is trusting God, banking on God, resting in God. David writes in Psalm 62, “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.” God is the source of our hope. And our hope is based on His love for us, demonstrated physically in Christ’s death on the cross and demonstrated spiritually every day in the provision of the Holy Spirit.

It is through suffering and trials that God forges our hope in Him.

And hoping in God is not a foolish thing. God and our relationship to and with Him is the ultimate reality of this universe. Whenever I find myself doubting the relevance of the gospel, I have to come back to this fact. The gospel is more real than anything else in this world. The gospel IS Reality.

God reminded me through Romans 5 that I still have hope, because I still have God.

As I prayed about that truth and confessed that I had sinfully given up hope, I realized that I had been trying to “fix” my life on my own. In my marriage, at work, with my life purpose. I was trying to make everything be the way I wanted it to be, the way I thought it should be. And when it continued to go the way I didn’t want it to go, I lost hope. Because while I had prayed for God’s help, I hadn’t actually sought it.

I see now that instead of making my life, marriage, and job be what I want it to be, I should be asking myself what God wants it to be. My marriage and its struggles aren’t arbitrary. God chose my husband and He is choosing our trials for a reason–my eternal good. Instead of accepting the way my marriage is and the way my job is, I have been bucking them, saying that they weren’t what I wanted. I wanted something different. I was bitter and resentful–toward Travis and Phil, I thought. Really, I was bitter and resentful toward God. He is the one determining my life and circumstances. He is the one who has placed me where I am at this time, with these specific problems and challenges. He has handpicked these trials for me to go through, so that He can forge my hope in Him.

Fully offering my life up to the Lord means accepting every little thing from His hand, even the annoying things. It means asking myself daily, moment by moment, “What does God want for me and from me?” instead of asking “What do I want for me?” It means dying to myself, my desires, my expectations, my feelings, and in turn, living for God’s.

I cried hard again this morning, humbled and awed by God’s faithfulness and love. That He would take me through the darkness so that He could bring me out into the light. Just as Travis held me last night while I was crying, God holds me close whenever my heart is broken. He hurts when I hurt. But He knew that to make me better, He had to allow me to be hurt first. 

My heart echoes David’s when he said, “This God–his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?” (Psalm 18:30-31)

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