Tag Archives: marriage

Living for God’s glory

8 Nov

Oh, how hard I struggle to do this: live for God’s glory. It seems every time I turn around, I have yet another selfish, narcisstic, vain, sinful ambition or motive. Nothing brings these times out like marriage. A few days ago, I listened to a couple sermons on marriage by Tim Keller and in one of them, he says that marriage is used as a santificiation tool. Now, I knew that before I got married, and I do believe God was sanctifying me through Travis even before we were married. But nothing prepared me for this!

If marriage is a sanctification tool, then sanctification happens quite a bit differently than I thought it did before getting married–because I see all my sin coming out, but don’t feel like I’m being “sanctified” from it. I’ve heard it said before “When you pray for patience, does God give you patience or does He give you situations that you have to be patient in?” Marriage is a constant situation that requires so many virtues, all of which I feel I have only a microscopic sliver of–nowhere near the full amount I would need to be a good, humble, servant-minded, submissive wife.

Travis frequently tells me “You’re such a good wife.” While I know that he says it in knowledge of (and in spite of) my sinfulness, I truly feel like I don’t deserve such gratitude or compliments. So I respond “No I’m not.” I fall SO SHORT of who I want to be–and who the gospel says I could be! Just this past weekend, I kept saying and doing things I immediately regretted (over stupid stuff!) and got to the point where I wanted to just go to bed and sleep so that I didn’t have to deal with the stupid, horrible, sinful person I was being.

I know that I’m not believing the gospel. Reading Knowing God by J.I. Packer and listening to those sermons by Tim Keller, I have been shown that I am not resting in God’s opinion of me and in the hope of the gospel. I am living in a “world without windows” as Tim Keller says–meaning I am not living with my eyes set on the hope of heaven but rather set on the concerns of this moment–namely, my own desires, needs, and happiness. When I don’t get MY way, I get angry (and most of the time, I also get even.)

I just read a blog post about marriage and the struggle to believe in the sufficiency of Christ and the gospel by my friend Katie. She wrote, “I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ, but it seems such a slow process…If I’ve been radically forgiven by Christ for all of my short-comings and for all of the sin in my life, shouldn’t I freely give grace to those around me, especially my husband?” I feel like I could have written those words. Except I probably would’ve said “I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ…wait, do I know that? It doesn’t seem like ANYTHING is HAPPENING!!”

I have come to realize that while in the bubble of Campus Outreach, I was guilty of using all those truth phrases of the Christian life that have been so conveniently encapsulated into bitesize nuggets (so that the Christian can suavely throw them out in any conversation). Well, that bubble has popped. And all those phrases are still floating around my head–except I no longer know what any of them mean. Oh sure, I could explain them with WORDS. But the practical side of those truths got lost somewhere on the highway between Minneapolis and Denver.

Take, for example, living for the glory of God. I can sort of wrap my mind around the concept. But I can’t for the life of me seem to figure out what that truth means for my life.

Or take Living in light of the gospel. I understand the idea. I also could tell you what the gospel is and why it should effect me. Here is what I would not be able to explain: why it DOESN’T affect me. Why I am left with being the sinful, selfish, stupid person I was before I became a Christian. I know that I will continue to sin as long as I am on the earth. I just didn’t know I would still be so…pathetic.

I feel like I am at a stalemate, like the apostle Paul (oh, what glorious words!): “I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!…There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 7:18-8:1)

The Bible doesn’t mention specifics in its exhortations to “live for the glory of God.” It doesn’t say “To live for the glory of God, you must work for charities in addition to serving the homeless, all while caring for sick animals and doing at least one mission trip every year.” It doesn’t say “To live for the glory of God, you must work at a job that contributes something to the greater good of society.” There are no specifics like that in the Bible. In fact, to illustrate this point about living for the glory of God, the apostle Paul uses eating and drinking, 2 things that every single human must do or else they die.

Even though there aren’t any specifics, I have been trying and trying to discern them for my life–and to no avail. I am starting to realize (through the help of the Holy Spirit no doubt) that the specifics of how to live out the Christian life come out of the principles of the Christian life. I need to understand the principles before I can understand the specifics.

That very thought leaves me completely empty-handed. I have seen increasingly more over the past year how completely incapable I am of discerning any spiritual truth without the Spirit’s guidance and prompting. Each time I blog, pray, read, or think about these things, I am left without my own resources, but utterly dependent on God’s spiritual provision in my life. To be sure, without Him, I am nothing.

“Wretched woman that I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” The gospel is all I got.

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A morning thought

12 Sep

I was thinking this morning about my friend Charlotte. She’s going through a stage of life right now where there are a lot of unknowns and what she had been expecting to happen in her life isn’t happening (she was going to go abroad but then got married!)

It reminds me of a time in my life when things were very up in the air. And I absolutely hated it. I bucked against almost the entire time I was going through that stage–which just happened to be about two years. It was when I was dating Travis. I knew 4 months into our relationship that I wanted to marry him. I had never been more head-over-heels, butterflies-in-my-stomach in love with someone. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man–and there were even things about him that pleasantly surprised me. I remember thinking on more than one occasion that I didn’t know someone could be so wonderful and amazing.

But he was a little more conservative and cautious in his emotions. Looking back, I know it was very good for our relationship because he was very level-headed and has a strong character–he doesn’t get swayed by emotions or abandon his convictions because of a certain set of circumstances. So even when I pressured him numerous times to say that he wanted to marry me, he wouldn’t–because he wasn’t ready.

The reason why I had such a hard time with waiting and not knowing was: 1) unbelief in the goodness of God and 2) I had been hurt a lot in high school. I didn’t trust Travis. I had never dated a guy (including the boy I dated in highschool who I thought I wanted to marry) who made decisions while thinking about how they would affect me. All the boys I had dated were selfish and immature and would act impulsively at the drop of a hat, scarring my heart in the process.

So those 2 years of waiting in suspense, of not knowing whether Travis loved me enough to marry me or not, of wanting so desperately to be married, were honestly the hardest years of my life. Travis and I are very different people, who both came into our relationship with a lot of baggage from past relationships and hurts. We remarked numerous times during our dating relationship that if we didn’t believe in the sovereignty of God, if we didn’t believe that we were together for a reason and that our relationship was bigger than just the 2 of us, we would not have stayed together. But we clung to God and the hope of His plan for our lives–we went forward in faith, waiting. I did a LOT of waiting on God during that time. I cried out to Him daily, sometimes hourly, about my fear and my heart.

There was a quote that I repeated to myself over and over again during that time. It was written by Elisabeth Elliot as part of a bigger poem but the part that really resonated with me was “And so, not even for a light to show the step ahead, but for Thee, dear Lord, I wait.” Faith is walking forward in the darkness and trusting when nothing is certain or makes sense.

Here is the whole poem (this is what I emailed to Charlotte this morning):

I wait
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past finding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countenance.
I wait–
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks “Why?”
But then the quiet word,
“Wait thou only
Upon God.”
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

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The surreality of my life

4 Sep

As I was driving home tonight from my women’s group (with some friends from church), I was thinking about the fact that Travis and I have now lived in Colorado for a whole year. One year. It’s almost unbelievable. It’s kind of like being married for a year and a half–I can remember all the different events and days that comprised that year and a half but it still doesn’t seem possible that it has actually been a year and a half.

But alas, it has. In a way, I feel proud that we’ve made it through a year of being in Colorado. There are still times that I miss Minnesota, miss being in my home state. There’s something about growing up in a place that makes it just feel good. When we go back for vacations, weddings, and funerals, it just feels to be there, in Minnesota–even when the temperature is sometimes in the single digits. I miss Minnesota summers. The crickets, the warm nights, the lakes, the beaches. The Rocky Mountains are great (and we have definitely enjoyed them!) but Travis and I are both lake-lovers.

The Minnesota season I miss the most, though, is fall. Fall is my favorite season and I think maybe only the east coast has better fall colors than Minnesota. The North Shore–man, it’s gorgeous in the fall. I love those days that are crisp–not Colorado crisp, as in 75, but Minnesota crisp, as in 55–cold enough to wear a wool sweater without being hot but warm enough to not need a jacket. Those are the perfect days to go to a pumpkin farm or apple orchard. Ahhhh…Minnesota.

But Colorado is a great state as well. It has the perfect climate to be outdoors all year round–which is definitely more than I can say for Minnesota!! But the most amazing thing about living out here is that we actually are living out here. It seems surreal to me, really. For a person who has moved around their whole lives, living in a new place with new people is probably just routine. But I lived my entire life, minus one year that I was in New York, in Minnesota and to be in a different place, with different people, and 1,000 miles away from all of my family, seems surreal. And what seems even more surreal is that it has been a whole year that we’ve lived out here. Man, times flies.

I was also pondering tonight in the car how blessed Travis and I are. We don’t deserve all this and yet we pretty much have the life of our dreams–all because of our heavenly Father who loves to give His children gifts. I know not every Christian feels like they have their dream life and I know that I won’t always feel this way–over time, things change, bad things happen, life happens. But right now, I am very grateful to God that Travis and I both have very good jobs (actual careers!! something I was scared I would never have), we have our own house, two cars, healthy food on the table, caring friends, a great church, wonderful families, and time to do things that we really enjoy. I just turned 25 and Travis is still 23. It is surreal that we are where we are in our lives right now.

And I know that God has us here for a purpose, that none of this would have been possible without His providence and grace to us. We both found our current jobs within weeks of moving out here. I actually started my job 3 days after we moved. We found our current church 3 months before we moved, when we came out to Colorado to look for apartments. We have met many great friends through church and work. And we have a wonderful marriage–that alone is a supernatural gift from God.

I pray that I would be like Job–that if everything was taken away tomorrow, I would still praise God. “The LORD has given and the LORD has taken away.” But either way, I will praise Him.

Here are some pictures to commemorate our good times in Colorado:

Travis and me on our first trip to Colorado to find an apartment

Travis and I playing Scrabble--which we did almost everyday when we first moved to Colorado

Travis and I playing Scrabble--which we did almost everyday when we first moved to Colorado

Our first backpacking trip

Our first backpacking trip

Climbing Bear Peak near Boulder--it was so steep!

Climbing Bear Peak near Boulder--it was so steep!

Driving on Trail Ridge Road in RMNP

Driving on Trail Ridge Road in RMNP

Travis sitting on top of Bear Peak--we could see for miles.

Travis sitting on top of Bear Peak--we could see for miles.

A Colorado sunset

A Colorado sunset

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My little bro’s wedding

15 Aug

He did it–he finally got married. And to his high school sweetheart no less. He was the one I always told “You’re never going to get married!” because he was glued to his computer chair in front of his computer screen every waking moment during high school that he wasn’t actually at school. But somehow Meg saw through that pathetic exterior to the kind-hearted, intelligent, witty guy my little brother really is. (And he’s gotten a lot cooler over the past 4 years as well–college did wonders for him).

As I stood up with the wedding party during the ceremony and watched Chris smile at Meg, full of love and excitement, I couldn’t help but think back to my oldest brother’s wedding 2 years ago. Back then, I knew that I wanted to marry Travis but we weren’t even engaged and I don’t think I quite understood the beauty and complexity of the pledge they were making to each other in that moment. I was moved far more during Chris and Meg’s wedding, not because they had a better officiant, music, or readings–Jeremy and Jen had a very lovely wedding as well (and I ALMOST cried at their wedding but I held it off!)–but because my understanding is greater. I have an inside appreciation and respect for the marriage commitment and lifelong intimacy–and I’ve only been married for a little over a year! I can’t imagine what it must be like for those married 25, 35, even 50 years (like my aunt and uncle will celebrate this fall).

I also prayed for Chris and Meg as I stood there. Marriage is a blessing but it’s also a challenge. And I really believe that the only way any of us don’t get divorced–or even seriously think about it–is by the grace of God. We don’t have love naturally as humans. Rather, we are naturally selfish, petty, and angry. And marriage has this uncanny ability to bring out the natural side of someone–just ask my husband. I will be honest that there were times during our first year when I wanted to give up–not in the “I want a divorce” sense but in the “This is too hard” sense. But time and time again–and don’t ask me how–God renewed me through the reminder of my marriage vow, that this was for life and that included the really hard times. Praise be to the Lord that He got us through those times and if you read this post, you know that I am out of the weird funk I was in and am loving and appreciating my husband more than ever before.

I pray the same for Chris and Meg. I pray that their marriage is centered upon and rooted in Christ–because human love isn’t enough to hold together over the years. The divorce rate in the U.S.–even among proclaimed evangelicals–will prove that. They need to run to God for satisfaction first and then they will be able to be content with each other. Because if you depend on that person for satisfaction, you are going to be let down again…and again…and again. They weren’t designed or meant to have that kind of responsibility. Jesus was and is meant to.

And I pray that they have a long life of love and intimacy together. I can see them being the old couple that still kisses and hugs and acts all lovey-dovey after they’ve been together 55 years. But I’m wise enough to not be presumptuous. Such a thing is a gift from God. All married couples need prayer. The biblical marriage dynamic of leadership and submission is so distorted and unnatural (I speak from personal experience) that God needs to be present and working in marriages for it to glorify Him and to accurately represent Christ and His love for the church.

Marriage really is a wonderful thing–so here’s to you Chris and Meg. May God bless your marriage. Enjoy your life together and don’t take it for granted.

Chris and Meg at their wedding

Chris and Meg at their wedding

Travis and me

Travis and me

The other bridesmaids--Meg's 3 sisters and her friend from middle school

The other bridesmaids

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The Joy of Marriage

24 Jul

Well, it has taken 14 months but I feel like Travis and I have finally gotten into a marriage groove. We understand each other more (but not completely!), have learned what to do and when (and what NOT to do) for the other person, and have adopted our individual chores–Travis, financial and big-picture stuff (like researching vehicles and mortgages); me, cleaning and menial daily stuff (like making lunches in the morning and going grocery shopping).

But more than all that, I feel like I finally appreciate him. When we were dating, our relationship was too exciting for me to appreciate Travis. I didn’t need to appreciate him. I was so head over heels for him that anything he did was good enough (except waiting so long to propose!) But then we got married and after the newness, excitement, and “I’m a wife; now what?” wore off, his idiosyncrasies and little quirks drove me up the wall and seemed so rampant in daily life that I couldn’t focus on anything else. “Who is this man I married?” I thought. Bitterness and annoyance took root in my heart. There were times I couldn’t stand being by Travis. He would try to hug or kiss me and I would push him away saying that “I was in the middle of something” and that the way my personality is makes me hate stopping something right in the middle. Each time I pushed him away, I knew something wasn’t right with me.

One night about every other month, something would happen–either sexual disappointment, an argument, or my stubborn emotions not being what I thought they should be for my husband–and I would break down into deep, heaving sobs for 10-15 minutes. It was always good to have my loving, tender husband there at those moments of need. Those times grew my appreciation of him.

But to my dismay and helplessness, those times of sorrow over our marriage and my emotions toward Travis didn’t change anything. I continued on, liking a emotionless zombie, desiring for my heart to change but feeling like my hands were tied over what to do about it. I read marriage books and articles. I read Bible passages about marriage and Christ’s love for the church. It’d work for a while. But there were so many things about our marriage that I was unsettled about. Where was the romance? Where was the feeling that I was finally with my soul mate, the man chosen for me by God? I did feel like Travis was my best friend, but a little bit too much like a friend. I wanted a passionate marriage filled with sexual chemistry and intellectual foreplay. Instead, our marriage was butt-slapping and wrestling.

I kept thinking about the people I knew who said that marriage was wonderful. They said that they loved their spouses more that day than they did on their wedding day. I couldn’t help wonder about my own affections. I knew I still loved Travis–I was committed to him for life–but why didn’t I FEEL love for him? Why was I so cold-hearted? Why couldn’t I change?

I would love to say that I was faithful in prayer but I wasn’t. I’d pray about it for a few weeks after one of my sobbing episodes and then life and marriage would go back to normal–not bad but not great. But then one day, something changed. I can’t put my finger on it and I can’t even remember what exact day or month it was. But something in my heart changed. I wanted to cry, it felt so wonderful.

I loved Travis–and felt it.

I knew that God had flipped the switch in my heart and I am still so thankful to Him for it. It is a reminder that in my flesh, I don’t naturally love anyone but myself. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit in me do I love my husband–and my Lord.

Since that day a few months ago, things have only gotten better. I don’t get as angry with Travis during fights, I don’t let his little quirks get to me (I just laugh at them now because they’re his quirks), and I have made a concerted effort to kiss and hug Travis slowly and passionately, like my lover, not my buddy. I have also seen the impact of my relationship with the Lord on my relationship with my husband. I can’t expect Travis to fulfill my every need. Jesus alone can satisfy. I have seen the ways I’ve failed and sinned against Travis and felt like I could finally DO something about it. And you know what? It has fanned the flames of our marriage.

The past few weeks of our marriage have felt like a honeymoon. I love seeing him after work, I love kissing and hugging him, and I love sharing my life with him. This is what marriage is supposed to be like. Now I can say with those other married couples that I love Travis more today than I did on our wedding day. Praise be to our faithful Father in heaven!

Speaking of which, our photographer just sent us all our wedding pictures burned onto a CD (he kept the rights for a year but we did get a wedding album in October 2007). Here are a few of my faves:

A sweet kiss

A sweet kiss

Sophisticated

Sophisticated

My favorite picture--so relaxed

My favorite picture--so relaxed

Our first dance as husband and wife to "Love of a Lifetime"

Our first dance as husband and wife to "Love of a Lifetime"

The head table with the bridesmaid bouquet

The head table with the bridesmaid bouquet

Me and my dad during the Father-Daughter dance

Me and my dad during the Father-Daughter dance

Tearing up the dance floor

Tearing up the dance floor

The happy couple

The happy couple

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Expectations: Unrealized or Unrealistic?

4 Apr

It’s inevitable as a human to have expectations about something. When anticipating a future event, it’s our natural tendency to picture how it will all happen and what it will be like. It’s also inevitable for the event to never turn out how you pictured it.

For women, this happens a lot with marriage. I personally grew up always dreaming. I dreamed about having a boyfriend: he would understand me perfectly and know exactly what I wanted. In high school, I dreamed about marriage: we would have the same interests and go on lots of exciting adventures. When Travis and I were dating, I imagined what being engaged would be like: I would finally be assured that I was loved. When Travis and I got engaged, I dreamed about marriage: we would finally be able to be intimate and share everything. We would lie in bed on Saturday mornings, watching cartoons, cuddling, and eating pancakes. We would go on romantic vacations and explore the world together. We would be so in love and constantly exclaiming “I love being married!” As the wedding grew closer, I dreamed about our honeymoon: a week of relaxation and bliss next to the ocean; a week of uninterrupted intimacy and romance; a picture perfect world.

But when you think about it, where do the greatest romantic movies end? Right after the beloved couple realize they’re “meant for each other.” If the movie went on (and were anything close in semblance to real life), the movie wouldn’t have such a happy ending. It wouldn’t be an unhappy ending either (not necessarily at least) but it wouldn’t leave you with the feeling that everything is right in the universe.

Rather, I imagine the feeling would be more like how my marriage makes me feel. The sense that there’s great potential for the situation but something just doesn’t sit right. That the movie started off great, you could sense the couple’s love for each other was (and is) real, but their current relationship doesn’t really seem to reflect that at all.

This morning Travis and I ended up in a fight on the way to work. About what doesn’t matter. Something insignificant, really. After I dropped him off and was on my way to my office, I started thinking. When we first got married (which will be a year ago on May 19th) and went on our honeymoon, I had a really hard time. I had been trapped in the expectations mentioned above, imagining that everything would be 100% perfect, romantic, and intimate 100% of the time. But as I discovered the first day in Mexico, even on your honeymoon, your life is still your life. Reality is still reality. When you get married, you don’t float away on the clouds with Cupid to sing love songs and feel butterflies for the rest of your life. Husband and wife are still just as sinful as fiance and fiancee–who were just as sinful as boyfriend and girlfriend–who were just as sinful as man and woman. Since we are the same people before and after said event, the relationship will mostly be the same after said event (obviously with a few exceptions).

I learned after our honeymoon that having expectations about the way things should be, especially in marriage, wasn’t a great thing to have. And I have continued learning this throughout our first year of marriage. I can’t expect Travis to be a certain way any more than I can expect myself to know what I want for lunch next Tuesday. Or what book I’ll want to read in July. Or where I’ll want to go out to dinner on November 15th–or if I’ll want to go out to dinner at all.

Neither can I expect that our marriage will be a certain way. I can’t expect us to be 100% in love and intimate all the time. I can’t expect to lie in bed on Saturday morning watching cartoons–if not just for the fact that we don’t have cable at all nor do we have a TV in our bedroom. I realize expectations cause tension and dissatisfaction when they aren’t realized.

But my question is: what do you do about your expectations? What do you do when what you had pictured your marriage being like isn’t at all what it actually is like? If you desire for your marriage to be a certain way, even after the rose-colored glasses have been sat on and squished, and yet it’s not that way, what do you do? “Change it” would be the easy response. But unfortunately, changing a marriage’s dynamic doesn’t happen overnight or easily, as I have found.

I fear that I still have expectations about our marriage and that those expectations are causing me to constantly compare our real marriage against (what I would consider) our ideal marriage. But is our real marriage ever going to measure up? Do I need to edit my expectations so that they are more in line with what it is actually like? Sheryl Crow says in her song “Soak up the Sun”–“It’s not having what you want; it’s wanting what you got.”

Does marriage come down to wanting what you got instead of getting what you want? Are my expectations about marriage just unrealized or are they unrealistic?

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Valentine’s Day Cookie

12 Feb

Travis was gone yesterday and today on a work trip. The perfect time to get his Valentine’s Day present ready–a giant chocolate chip cookie heart with chocolate frosting and red hots. (See my Valentine’s Day Cookie).

If the cookie looks good to you, you’re right–it is good. Since I gave up chocolate for Lent, it was a test of willpower to bake this scrumptious cookie. This was actually my second attempt. The first one, I shaped exactly how I wanted it before I put it in the oven–so it came out looking like a circle pretty much. The second time around, though, I got smart and made the shape very exaggerated. And it came out good!

Anyway, back to the first attempt. It was all gooey in the middle and fell into about 12 different pieces as I tried to scrape it off the pan. And then I had all this chocolatey gooey goodness sitting there on the counter staring me in the face. It was screaming “Eat me! Eat me!” I even felt my fingers twitch. But I didn’t do it! I didn’t eat chocolate! I am so proud of my willpower (because usually I don’t have much when it comes to baking).

I am, however, going to freeze the chocolatey gooey goodness until after Easter. Then I am chowin’ down!


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Garbage triggers insight

8 Feb

So last night I was cleaning up the kitchen and asked DH very nicely if he would do me a favor–take the trash out before he went to bed. A few seconds went by and he replied, “Why can’t I take it out tomorrow morning?” I had wanted him to take it out last night because I didn’t want the garbage to stink up our apartment. He wanted to wait until the morning because that is what we have been doing and he didn’t want to walk all the way out to the dumpster in the cold.

To his reply I said nothing. Instead, I went into the bedroom and while I was changing into my PJs, I realized that instead of silently being angry at him–Why does he need a reason? Isn’t it enough that I asked him to do it?–I should go talk to him about my feelings. So I went and told him how I felt and we discussed it for a while. He wanted a reason for taking the trash out at night; I didn’t really have one besides “Because I asked you to.” It was a mature discussion. No angry words were said, no doors slammed, but I still walked away sad, lonely, and feeling misunderstood.

I thought about just going to sleep to spite Travis even though I wanted to read for a while. But I got my Bible out anyway–God shouldn’t be pushed aside just because I was being moody. But I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. All I could think about was how I felt so frustrated and how part of me wanted Travis to come to bed and the other part didn’t. And then it came to me: my feeling not understood by Travis was causing me to push him away, both emotionally and physically. I was equating feeling loved with being understood.

As I remembered back to different fights we had had over the past couple months, my theory seemed to make more and more sense. That’s why I was always over-explaining my emotions, responses, and wanting Travis to know WHY things had happened the way they did. During our arguments, even if Travis conceded the point and I “won,” I wasn’t satisfied because I still didn’t feel like he understood me and why I did what I did. I wasn’t justifying anything–just explaining. Ultimately, I just want him to understand me!

So I told him my insight last night and it was a huge stepping stone for our marriage. I learned more about him and his need for logical, rational, step-by-step thinking and he learned more about my whimsical, desire-driven, irrational thinking. But I can’t say how much hope it gives me to know why I have been being so irritable and angry at Travis lately–it has been my response to being hurt emotionally. That doesn’t make it right but it does point the way to the road of recovery.

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What is my deal?

4 Feb

This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I’m just having such a hard time in our marriage right now, not because Travis is mean or insensitive or distant. Rather, it’s because I am.

I’m just so discouraged. I get mad at Travis over nothing quite often. So he’s gotten to the point (and I can’t blame him) of always assuming that if I’m mad, I’m mad at him. So if I say something remotely stern or terse, even if I’m not really mad, he thinks that I am mad and reacts. He acknowledges his sinfulness but I can’t help but see that about 90% of our fights are caused by me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a b$#%@. I feel like I fly off the handle at any little thing and not just when I’m PMSing. I know that ultimately, it’s because I’m a sinner. I also know that ultimately, I have been forgiven everything in Christ and that with the Holy Spirit, I have the power to conquer my sinful inclinations and desires to fight. But I just don’t feel like I’m winning or making any progress!!

For the past month, Travis and I haven’t gone even one whole day without fighting. Not only do I feel bad about our fighting, I wonder how much other newlyweds fight. I know the first year is supposedly the hardest. But why this hard? Is it this hard for other people? Am I just psychotic?

All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. It is miserable to always be fighting with your spouse, to be angry at them, have them angry at you, walking around on proverbial eggshells or making your spouse walk on them. I bawled in the car again last night and told Travis “Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this.” And as I lay this burden at the foot of the cross, I know that I won’t keep living like this–God won’t let me. Praise to Him for His faithfulness!

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Learning to love in reverse order

1 Feb

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a “girls’ night.” We watched The Princess Bride, a movie that I have seen way more times than I ever wanted to. So many people love that movie and I, well I just think it’s “okay.”  I’ll watch it willingly and I’m not in pain the whole time but it’s not a movie I would ever choose to watch on my own.

One of the girls who came brought a Chicken Bacon Artichoke pizza from Papa Murphy’s. It is my new favorite pizza. It was soooo amazing! And with bacon on it, you’d think that it would be high in calories. But it only has 181 calories per slice! Even though I’m not a huge fan of bacon, this pizza is fantastic. I will definitely be ordering it again.

When I left my friend’s house to go home, I was really excited to see Travis. But I knew that excitement to see my husband does not equal a good night with him. I can get frustrated, emotional, and annoyed by just about anything. So as I was driving home, I asked the Lord to let me have a good night with him and not get angry.

When I got into our apartment parking lot, I saw that Travis had parked the Pathfinder in our normal parking spot. We signed up for the spot right next to it but there has been this red Chevy Corsica sitting there forever (even though the car owner doesn’t even have a parking spot!). We put a note on the car but then it snowed and was covered up. Plus, I don’t think whoever owns the car uses it often enough to notice changes from day to day. Anyway, since the red car was in our other spot, and the Pathfinder was in our usual spot, I had to park my car about 200 feet away from our apartment door in the spots that aren’t assigned to anyone.

As I walked from my car to our apartment, I wasn’t mad. I was thinking “Maybe Travis was going to move the car before I got back and he just forgot.” When I got inside, I said playfully to Travis, “You made me park far away.” And he said sadly, “Ohhh, I tried calling you to let you know just to park in the spot next to me because no one ever parks there.” “I wasn’t expecting a call so I didn’t check my messages.”

And I was frustrated. A slight cause of it may have been that I felt Travis was saying it was my fault that I parked so far away because I didn’t check my messages. But most of it is just that I’m incredibly selfish and petty. And I don’t feel love for Travis a lot of the time, which burdens my heart with sorrow.

Travis wanted to cuddle but I just wanted my space. I got annoyed when he touched me. So being a nice, understanding guy, he left me alone. I just laid on the bed for a while, not moving. Travis asked me if I wanted to talk. I started talking but the tears started welling up. I broke down and it felt so good to cry on Travis’ shoulder. He just held me and said he loved me, which continues to amaze me since I feel like I deserve no favor from Travis for my often-harsh actions and words toward him. What did I do to deserve such a husband?

And so I see that I am learning to love my husband, and starting to feel love for him again, by being loved when I am not loving…just like our relationship with the Father. He loves us unconditionally, 24/7, when we are most unlovable. And His love moves our hearts to love–“We love because He first loved us.” I know that my Lord is using these trying, confusing circumstances for good and for His glory. I am just beginning to see the rays of light poking through the storm clouds…

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