Tag Archives: money

Thwarted again.

8 Jul

Yesterday, I finally biked to work for the first time ever. I had forgotten to bring my clothes to work the day before so I had to bring a big backpack with my clothes, toiletries and makeup, bike lock, lunch, and towel (I wasn’t sure the locker room had ones that contractors could use – we kind of get the shaft around here – but they do). So my backpack was a little on the heavy side but it has the straps that go around the waist and across the chest so it didn’t move around too much.

I only took 2 wrong turns, which were quickly corrected. I’m sure that I would’ve been very lost if I hadn’t driven the route beforehand so that I knew generally where I was supposed to be going. The part that was the most confusing was being on the bike trails (though it was also the most enjoyable because there were no cars to worry about).

The most notable part of the ride? The hills. Holy crap. I got dominated. It was sheer grit and stubbornness that got me up those hills. (For those of you who are intense bikers, you probably think I’m a wuss to whine about a 3% grade that lasts for 1.5 miles but for me, it was hard! It probably didn’t help that I had done squats and lunges for the first time in 5-6 months the day before and woke up very sore.) According to MapMyRun, there are two main climbs on this route: on Carr Street (above) and then on Simms Street (below).

Carr Street was the shorter, but steeper of the two. I was huffing and puffing and seriously considered walking my bike. But I didn’t. This is when doing endurance sports is purely mental. Your entire body is saying STOP but you keep pushing. It was nice to have a bike lane on this hill, just in case I was a swerving spaz.

 The hill on Simms was not so kind to me though. Giant hill, no shoulder (see pic – though it doesn’t do the hill justice). As cars were whizzing by at 50 mph and I was trying to not swerve either in front of one or into the gravel shoulder, I was repeating Jerry Seinfeld’s bit on scuba diving to myself: “Just don’t die… don’t die, don’t die, don’t die… there’s a rock, there’s a fish, who cares… just don’t die…” 

I didn’t die. And I made it to work on time, though it took me 1:13:25 to go 13.8 miles.

But when it came time to bike home, this was the sky:

I was still going to bike home, even after Travis told me it was raining in Golden. It wasn’t raining in Broomfield at that very moment so my stubbornness kicked in and I decided it would be an adventure.

I had just gotten my sweaty bike gear back on (note to self: don’t forget to bring an extra sports bra to work next time! EW!) when Travis called back and told me about tree limbs being ripped off, flash flood warnings, 40 mph gusts, and rain everywhere. “I’d feel a lot better coming to pick you up,” he said. “FINE!” I raged.

Let me explain my horrid reaction: My sensible self appreciated my husband’s concern and willingness to drive 30 minutes one way to come pick me and my little ole bike up. My nonsensical self wanted to bike home at all costs. I had been thwarting in my first attempt at biking to work and now this? I would not allow it. Sensibility (and my husband) won the day. And I will say that I was very happy (later) that I did not bike home. It would’ve been miserable and probably deterred me from ever riding my bike in to work again.

While we were up in that neighborhood with the car, I suggested we get Chick-Fil-A for dinner. So we did. It was delicious (though I’ll warn you to not get their Chicken Caesar wrap if you don’t like massive amounts of Parmesan cheese – I like it but not that much so I ended up eating only 3/4 of it).

After tidying up the house in preparation for cleaning it tonight for our BBQ tomorrow, I went to DSW and finally bought my new sandals!

After trying on something like 15 different pairs and styles, I decided these would work well with both black and brown tones, they have a slight heel and some good cushioning (advice from my friend B), and they’re freaking cute. They do feel very different than flip flops, since there’s nothing to hold the front of my foot in, but I’m sure I’ll get used to them.

I saw a few of the different options I had been looking at online in the store but after trying them on, realized that they either didn’t fit my foot well or I didn’t like how they “wore”. So I’m glad I went to the store instead of buying online! That’s generally the way I operate. I usually only buy stuff online after trying it on in a store. But I do make exceptions if it means I get a good deal and free shipping.

Here’s a pic of my feet in my new sandals:

LOVE!

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Keeping an Eternal Perspective: Clothing

7 Jul

{This is the second installment of this weekly series.}

For the past several years, I’ve been wrestling through the practical implications of my faith in Christ. If I say I desire to glorify God and that He’s my greatest treasure, what effect will those declarations have on what I buy, how I spend my time, and what my goals are? While God has given me a lot of insight and I am more at peace about these things that I was before, I still struggle with feeling guilty for buying new clothes, spending 6 hours a week training instead of volunteering, and doing things I enjoy just for pleasure’s sake.

Last weekend while we were backpacking {sorry that I haven’t posted pics yet – last night was busy!}, I had some time Sunday morning to sit alone with my Bible. The passage in Matthew 6 caught my eye:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

These verses showed me the following:

1. God gave me these convictions – I didn’t come up with them on my own.

Ever since I started to analyze my motives and why I do certain things and don’t do other things, God has been changing the way I look at the world. It started out as guilt from buying another $25 t-shirt that I didn’t need when that same money would buy food for a month for a kid over in Africa. It morphed into guilt from doing anything with my time that I alone enjoyed – I was convinced that that was the epitome of selfishness. I couldn’t escape the guilt. It was everywhere. A caramel macchiato from Starbuck’s. A pedicure. A good book. A nap.

But looking at these convictions a different way, I see them as God’s way of inviting me into a life of infinite joy (to quote C.S. Lewis again) – a life of love, selflessness, freed from the snares of material possessions and keeping up with the joneses. He has given me a desire for a simple life:

  • to wear the clothes I own
  • to make wise purchases (after researching options nonetheless!)
  • to fully use everything I do spend money on (and make sure I’ll fully use it before buying it)
  • to treat my possessions well so that they last
  • to only replace things when they need replacing
  • to make the effort to be creative in making things last longer

Anyone who knew me in college would not recognize the girl writing this post today. I am that different in my approach toward money. And God has shown me that this is His work in my life, refocusing my attention on things that are unseen and eternal, rather than things that are seen and transient.

Oswald Chambers’ devotional yesterday said it perfectly:

God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience. Just think of the enormous amount of free time God has! He is never in a hurry. Yet we are always in such a frantic hurry. While still in the light of the glory of the vision, we go right out to do things, but the vision is not yet real in us. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal.The vision that God gives is not some unattainable castle in the sky, but a vision of what God wants you to be down here. Allow the Potter to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Then as surely as God is God, and you are you, you will turn out as an exact likeness of the vision. But don’t lose heart in the process. If you have ever had a vision from God, you may try as you will to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never allow it.

It has been a long, hard struggle to get to where I am in accepting that God is in this. That God is calling me to a simple lifestyle and to give up caring about fashion, money, beauty, decorating, etc.

That said…

2. Sanctification looks differently for everyone.

I have just recently realized this on an even deeper level. For so long, I had been frustrated with feeling guilty for shopping “just because” because I had a list of reasons why I believed I could shop in faith. We tithed every month, I wasn’t spending an extravagant amount of money, and the biggest one, I saw other Christian women doing it. If they could do it, why couldn’t I?

A recent situation opened my eyes. There is a young married couple at our church whose wedding I attended. The toasts given by their families and friends all praised this couple for being very godly and strong in their faith. The time I had spent around them in a group setting seemed to agree with those assessments. I viewed this couple as two people who “had it together,” especially in their approach to money (which moved them up a notch in my book). Then I spent some time one-on-one with the woman and heard about their marital struggles, ones very common to young married couples. I realized that they were just human too.

And that got me thinking… those women with the latest fashions at church – I don’t know what’s going on in their hearts. They very well might be able to buy new clothes in faith, but that also could be an area of their lives that God hasn’t yet refined and sanctified.

All that to say, I can’t judge which of the Spirit’s promptings I’m going to follow or not based on what other people are doing. Oswald Chambers’ devotion for June 28 says, “At first, Jesus Christ through His Spirit has to restrain you from doing a great many things that may be perfectly right for everyone else but not right for you.” These things that I have been fighting may be perfectly right for others to do, but not me. I have to pay attention to my personal convictions.

All this time, I had wanted to go back to the way things were before. I was rejecting this new way to live. Instead of viewing it as God’s invitation to me into greater, deeper joy resulting from letting go of materialism and my own assessment of What I Should Be Able to Do With Christian Freedom, I had been fighting it and thinking there was something wrong with me, since I was struggling with this and no one else was. But as I drove to work yesterday, I realized that in doing that, I was assuming that I should be “above that.” I should be above materialism and selfishly using my time for myself. Well guess what? I’m not. God wasn’t fooled for one moment either. He knew all along what I’m really like on the inside. The joke’s on me.

3. For me, buying new things should be the exception and not the rule.

You remember my sandal post from a while back? I still haven’t bought any. I can’t decide which ones I want. Actually, I had decided which ones I wanted but then they were out of my size. Boo. I just don’t want to buy the wrong ones and then regret my decision. So I’m at a standstill on that one.

But I don’t feel guilty about wanting those sandals. The difference between this purchase and other past purchases that have given me guilt is that: 1) I’ve been wanting these sandals since I started my new job 2 months ago and 2) They wouldn’t be just another version of something I already have 10 of. So those are my new guidelines for purchases (notice that I said guidelines, not rules): Wait until I know of something I would really like and would be very useful to me. Research the options and pray for the Spirit to convict me if I shouldn’t buy them. Go purchase said item sans guilt. My other strategy is to mention all of the things I would like to Travis “just in case someone asks what I’d like for my birthday.” 🙂

My cousin is getting married on July 30th and I’ve been thinking about buying a new dress for the occasion. I might go peruse a thrift store to see if there’s anything good but otherwise, I feel like the best decision would be to wear a dress I already own – I have one that is great for summer weddings and I’ve only worn once or twice.

Oh and I’ll wear my new sandals. (I’m going to go look at some tonight.)

What does all of this have to do with keeping an eternal perspective?

For me, the question underlying all of this is: Where does my happiness lie? Is my happiness wrapped up in having cute clothes? Or is it in knowing that Christ died for me and I’m going to heaven someday? Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? When I see a chunk of my paycheck every month going to our church, Campus Outreach, and our Compassion child, am I thankful to God for allowing me to participate in growing His kingdom? Or do I wish I could use that money to go on a trip to Hawaii?

Christ didn’t say to store up treasures in heaven instead of on earth just because that’s a good thing to do, or because they really need more treasures up there. Instead, He said this: “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” God knows our humanity. He knows that we focus on what we treasure. So He says, “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” He wants us to keep an eternal perspective.

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Which sandal would you choose?

15 Jun

Over the past year, I have found myself in stores, looking at a purse or a necklace or a shirt that is really cute, and I don’t know if I should buy it.

Do I have stuff that matches? Will I actually wear it? Is this me? Is this cool? Am I trying too hard? Will I wear this next year?

I end up putting the item down and walking away.

I think the flood of questions partly comes from my becoming thrifty. In college, I spent $80 on jeans without batting an eye. Now, that price tag gives me heart palpitations and sends me running for the door. I can’t even justify spending $25 on a shirt! In fact, the most recent times I can remember going shopping, I went to the thrift store (for new work clothes), Plato’s Closet (bought 1 shirt for $5), Gordman’s (where I snagged jeans for $10 and a winter coat for $30), and Target (where I bought and kept 1 pair of regular priced $20 shoes and 1 pair of on-sale $5 shoes).

But it also partly comes from feeling totally out of the fashion loop. Since shopping is only really fun when you spend money to buy the item you’re drooling over, I’ve mostly just stopped shopping.

It’s official people: I’m cheap.

But I’m still a girly girl who enjoys cute clothes and since I’ve been reading fashion blogs and now work in an office where I’m supposed to dress up everyday, I’m paying a little more attention to the trends and what I wear.

I’m sure you’ve noticed the trend of flat, strappy sandals. I certainly have. And the more I’ve noticed them, the more I’ve realized that I would like a pair. Not because everyone else has them, but because the sandals I own are of two extremes: heels or flip flops. (Yes, file this under #firstworldproblems.) I do have one pair of black dressy sandals that are only a slight wedge. But I am a person who likes to wear bright, fun colors during the summer (I honestly hardly ever wear black anyway). The two pairs of shoes I bought before starting work are turquoise and a muted yellow (both of which I love, but instead of going with a lot of different looks, they require an outfit to be planned around them).

Enter my sandal search.

To combat the bombardment of questions that usually race through my mind, I’ve decided to ask you, my lovely readers, for your opinion. After scouring DSW, Famous Footwear, Nordstrom Rack and Overstock.com, I have collected some options that meet my criteria (and some that don’t but that I want anyway because they’re so freakin’ cute):

1. Flat

2. Neutral color (tan, gold, silver)

3. Dressy enough for work or a wedding

4. Will go well with skirts, capris, and pants

5. $60 or less (I’m making an exception to my stinginess here, in order to get the sandals I really want.)

With that, here is the lineup:

I know – half of them aren’t flat. One is black. But they’re all just so cute!!

So then, which would you choose?

{Note: if you want to know where any of them came from, or what brand/style they are, just click the picture.}

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My last week of freedom.

26 Apr

For some reason, when I accepted my new job, I thought I had 2 1/2 weeks until I started. It was actually only 1 1/2. So this is my last week of freedom. I’m definitely excited to start my new job – but also a little nervous just because it will be a new experience and challenge. And I have to admit that I’m sad my days of freedom are coming to an end.

To make the most of my last week being unemployed, I am getting together with a friend every single day. Yesterday, I went hiking in Golden Gate Canyon State Park with my friend Lauren (the wife of one of Travis’ work friends). Today, I am having coffee and potentially going on a walk (if the weather holds up) with a new friend from church named Holly. Tomorrow, I am going on a bike ride with another friend from church named Steph. Thursday, I am having my last Thursday morning coffee with Cathy (it’s the end of an era – we’ve been having coffee weekly since December!) Friday, I am going hiking at Red Rocks State Park with another friend from church, Renia, and her son and friend. So it will be a busy but fun-packed week!

A little update on the food situation: I had to cheat and go buy a few ingredients to make a dish for Easter dinner. BUT I picked a recipe for a wild rice casserole that I had the majority of ingredients for so I only had to buy chicken broth ($.99) and apricots ($1.50). I also made stuffing (which had been in my cupboard since Thanksgiving 2008) and had to buy celery ($.25) and an onion ($.75). (And yes, it turned out to be delicious!) With the sugar I bought for Travis’ morning coffee and my toothpaste with a $1 off coupon, I only spent $8 at the grocery store. I felt pretty good about my thriftiness.

Tomorrow night is care group and we eat dinner together beforehand potluck-style so I will have to buy a few more things for that (cheese and black beans). But overall, I’m making it work with the food we have. We had chicken alfredo with mushrooms last night. Last week, I made crusted chicken with tomato dill couscous. I also made udon noodles with carrots, raisins, red pepper and a peanut  butter soy sauce (delicious!) – it’s a Betty Crocker recipe. So we haven’t been eating crap. But we also haven’t been eating as much fresh produce as we normally would (as in, we aren’t eating any right now). I have frozen vegetables left and even those, I am using sparingly so that we can at least eat some vegetables one meal a day for the rest of the week.

My only fear at this point is that when we do get more grocery money, we’re going to be so low on everything (including condiments, spices, and staples) that the grocery bill will be abnormally high and we’ll start this vicious cycle all over again. But since I will have a job then and have a steady income, I might try to convince Travis to let me have a little more grocery money. I think I could make it work if I didn’t need to have a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables all the time. But the truth is, I do. If I don’t get enough sleep and don’t eat enough fruits and vegetables, I get sick almost immediately. Case in point: I got sick on Easter. I don’t believe it was a coincidence.

But I am not deterred! I am determined to make this work, at least for the rest of this month. 😉 And I definitely have new-found respect for those people who have even less money than this for groceries. It’s harder than I thought to eat healthy on a budget.

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Simplifying.

22 Apr

I am on a simplifying kick right now. About a month ago, I took 4 or 5 boxes of clothes, home goods, and books to Arc Thrift Store. Then I went through all of my old magazines, recycled all the ones I’ve read (after ripping out articles I wanted to keep) and making a stack of ones I want to read, which I am slowly but surely making my way through. Once I done with a magazine, I either flag the recipes I want to try and add them to my kitchen stash or I throw it in the recycling bin. I have also started buying groceries for only one week at a time and choosing recipes that include ingredients I already have in my cupboard (some of which have been sitting in there for quite a while).

The way I used to operate was “Buy more.” If I wanted a certain kind of tea but didn’t have it, instead of drinking what I did have, I’d go out and buy more. If we ran out of bread but had buns left, instead of using the buns, I’d go buy more bread. If I saw a nail polish at the store I liked, instead of trying to think if I already had a similar color at home (which I most likely did), I’d just buy more. The result was food going bad, closets packed to the gills, and a bunch of stuff sitting unused. (And I am not a hoarder!)

But now, I am on a quest to eliminate all the excess by systematically using up everything I currently own before buying more (if I need to). I have already gotten rid of everything I didn’t need: mugs we never used, duplicates of kitchen gadgets, a plethora of water bottles, clothes that are just a bit too tight or short left from my pre-Christian days. Now I am getting rid of all the things that I will use, just not all at once. For example, tea bags. I really want to go buy a delicious flavor of Tazo tea but I’ve made a deal with myself that I have to drink up all the tea I currently have (because if I go buy more tea, I’ll never drink the stuff I have right now).

The point I want to get to is that I have nothing cluttering up my home that I don’t actually use on a daily, weekly, or at least monthly basis. If I haven’t used something in years, I have to either use it now or throw it out. It’s amazing how mentally freeing this concept is! Clutter in my house actually adds clutter to my mind. When I don’t have a ton of stuff to worry about, organize, or keep track of, I have time to focus on what really matters.

The other day, I was in Target and happened to spy a very cute purse. I was tempted to buy it because I did still have some Blow Money (cash I can spend on anything I want) left for the month. But I reminded myself, “Simplify,” so I walked away. And I didn’t feel deprived! I already own more purses than I want to but I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of them yet. The question in the back of my mind is always, “What if I regret getting rid of this?” (which isn’t completely crazy because it has happened in the past). So I’m taking things in stages. The first stage is to just not buy more.

My current experiment with this is groceries. Travis and I have decided on a monthly grocery budget of $300. That’s $75 a week. I can buy fruits and vegetables for a week, plan 2-3 good meals (banking on the leftovers for lunch), and still have money for snacks like crackers and cheese, yogurt, cereal, etc. But this month, we hosted a barbeque for friends, which totally threw all of our numbers off. The result has been that we ran out of grocery money on Wednesday, with 10 days to go in April. Whoops.

The old me would beg Travis for more grocery money. We can’t possibly subsist for the next week on what we have in our fridge and cupboards!, I would say. But the new me told Travis about our dilemma and said, “I want to do an experiment to see if we can really make this work. Do I have your permission to not buy any more groceries in April?” (Historically, when we have run low on food, Travis has whined, “We don’t have any food around here!” If he agreed to my experiment, no whining would be allowed.) “You’re asking to not spend any more money? Heck yeah, I agree!” Travis replied.

So the experiment is on. It shall be interesting. I’ll post again in a few days to let you know what we’re eating…or not eating. 😉

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Frugal by choice.

2 Dec

I have always thought that being frugal seemed kind of like an adventure. Clipping coupons, mending old clothes, inventing new food utilizing what you already have in your pantry – these are the making of some really great stories. So when I’ve been thinking about the idea of possibly not having a job for a while at the beginning of the year, part of me secretly is excited (the other part realizes that being excited about that is slightly neurotic) about being forced to be frugal.

But after my recent conviction about my inordinate shopping habits, I have realized that I don’t have to be forced to be frugal – I can choose to be. There’s nothing stopping me from being frugal right now, except my own laziness and penchant for expensive things.

Example: I have recently discovered that 4 of my most favorite pairs of jeans have developed holes in immodest places. Holes that cannot easily be repaired. Making my jeans pretty much unwearable and worthless. It was to be expected – I’ve had these jeans for about 6 or 7 years now. On one pair, the denim in the butt area has been worn so thin, it feels like tissue paper (no surprise that is where the hole appeared).

Old Kathy would chuck those jeans and go right out to buy a new pair. New Kathy is going to hold on to those jeans (maybe make them into jean skirts or funky jeans with patches?) and make do with her 3 other pairs. Maybe it will inspire me to wear my dressier pants and skirts more.

Other ways Travis and I plan on cutting down on our costs is canceling our Netflix subscription (we were watching about 1 movie every month – not worth it) and canceling our internet at home. It’s roughly the same cost to have internet on our phones as it is to have it at home. We really don’t want to be spending money on both and we can tether our computers to our phones (for a slow but steady connection). So we’re going to save the $540/year. We are also going with a cheaper insurance plan. The deductible is higher and pretty much nothing is covered until you pay that but it is $1,500/year less expensive. Cha-ching!

At times, I don’t even recognize this me. In high school, I thought saving money was overrated (I know, who was I to know?). I never shopped sales racks, never clipped coupons (still is something I need to work on), and I bought whatever I wanted, regardless of price. But now, I am thrilled at the idea of saving money, LOVE finding a good deal, and get squeamish at the prices of some sweaters and jeans (even though they’re less than what I would have paid a few years ago).

Yay for being frugal! How are you being frugal these days?

 

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A Shopping Hiatus

21 Nov

Yesterday, I went shopping at Old Navy. I have been on the hunt for a classic, slim jean skirt that I could wear in the winter with my boots. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I finally found exactly what I was looking for at Old Navy on the clearance rack for $8.50. Can’t beat that.

While I was there, I also found a tank top for $3.75, a sweater for $6.00, another sweater for $9.50, and a scarf for $12.50. In college, I never bought things off the sale rack – I felt like it was too much effort. Now, not only am I surprised by how often I find great deals, I am also surprised at how rewarding it is to save money!

All that aside, I left Old Navy feeling slightly guilty. Even though I had only bought things that were on sale (with the exception of the scarf), and only spent $44.34 on 5 items, something didn’t sit right. I went next door to Michael’s and bought some wooden letters to spell HOPE, which I am going to paint pink and orange, decorate with sequins and polka dots and hang up in my office, as well as a basket that I’m going to fill with lots of food and goodies for my friend D for Christmas. That was another $32.67.

As I pulled out of the parking lot with my purchases, an unsettling yet subtle feeling of guilt stole over me. The same feeling I have any time I buy clothes, accessories, or shoes for myself.  Frivolous things. Unnecessary things. Things I cannot justify needing in any way, shape or form. The feeling is then compounded by spending money on anything additional, even if they’re groceries.

At first, it was the needy, hungry kids over in Africa with their sad puppy dog eyes that gave me guilt over a new sweater. Then, it was the homeless in Denver who needed a Thanksgiving meal that cost the exact amount of a new pair of shoes. And just recently, it was the realization that I was shopping for myself during the holidays, when “everyone else” is shopping for other people.

Most forms of guilt are from the devil. I know this because the Bible explicitly disputes the things the devil tells me to feel guilty about. Like I’m not good enough. I can never change. I’m not a loving person. I only think about myself. In Christ, those things are utterly untrue.

But when it comes to clothes and the like, there are no Bible verses to back me up. In fact, the only verses I can find actually point to the opposite:

“Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have” (Hebrews 13:5).

“For they gave according to their means…and beyond their means, of their own free will” (2 Corinthians 8:3).

“Do not let your adorning be external — the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing…” (1 Peter 3:3).

“But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content” (1 Timothy 6:8).

“But God said to [her], ‘Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the [clothes] that you have [amassed], whose will they be?” (Luke 12:20, bracketed words changed for emphasis)

“If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me” (Matthew 19:21).

“Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions” (Luke 12:15).

All of these are very persuasive but none penetrated deeper into my heart than Romans 14:23, “For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”

Even though I don’t believe that shopping or clothing are sins in and of themselves, and I do believe that many Christians can shop and buy clothes in faith and with thanksgiving, I cannot escape the fact that I, right now, am not one of them. My guilt cannot be rationalized away. Believe me – I’ve tried!

I’ve tried to tell myself that since we donate to our church, support 2 campus ministering couples, and sponsor a Compassion child, I can spend some money on myself. I tell myself that I don’t buy clothes very often – maybe once every couple months – and that I usually find the good deals. I analyze each purchase to make sure it’s exactly what I want and that I love it. I try not to buy things that look exactly like something else I already have in my closet. And hey, I’m a lot more financially responsible than I used to be!!

My heart doesn’t buy it.

Alas, I have come to accept that since I cannot buy clothes in the freedom of faith that I am pleasing God, buying clothes (or shoes, accessories, purses, etc) is, for me, right now, a sin. As I was driving home feeling guilty, God asked me, “So if you feel so guilty every time you shop, why do you keep shopping?” I paused… and then said, “Good point.”

The deep feelings in my heart about this are written very succinctly by Thomas Merton, “The more goods I  keep for my own enjoyment, the less there are for others. My pleasures and comforts are, in a certain sense, taken from someone else. And when my pleasures and comforts are inordinate, they are not only taken from another, but they are stolen. I must learn to deprive myself of good things in order to give them to others who have a greater need of them than I.”

I cannot escape the conviction that I should not be buying more things that I don’t need, at the expense of giving those resources to someone who could really use them. I have been fighting this feeling while continuing to shop because I wanted to know WHY I felt this way. It’s not a sin to shop – so why can’t I shop? But this morning, when I stopped and asked myself why this fight continued and I didn’t just yield to the conviction that shopping was a selfish desire and repent, I realized I hadn’t conceded because deep down, I want happiness in the forms of clothes. I wanted that more than I wanted to obey.

“Surely God isn’t asking me to give up buying new clothes,” I thought.

“But what if He is asking that?”

“Then I guess I have to give it up.”

So here I am, still not understanding exactly why this is a conviction of mine, but out of love for God and a desire to be obedient, I am going to stop buying clothes. I figure I have about 7 years before I’d literally need anything new. (Good motivation to workout I guess!) And I will only start again when I can do it in faith. Sans nagging voice in the back of my head telling me my money would be better spent elsewhere. Maybe this is the beginning of something big.

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Loving God, Hating Money

21 Sep

I hate money.

I hate earning it, I hate saving it, I hate talking about it, I hate worrying about it.

I guess I do like to spend it.

But that’s not the point.

Travis and I just got into a fight over money. Even though this is supposedly the thing that married couples fight over the most often, Travis and I rarely fight over money. Mostly because I would rather just not think about it. Ignorance is bliss, if you ask me. It works out well for us because Travis is good with money. I am not. I was the girl who overdrafted frequently because I avoided balancing my checkbook like the plague – not because I can’t do math but because even just that simple act caused me anxiety.

So when Travis wants to buy a new gun or fishing gear or a tool, all I ask is if we can afford it. If he says yes, then I say go for it. When I want to go shopping for a new shirt or running apparel, I ask Travis if I can and if so, how much I can spend. When Travis thinks we should refinance our mortgage or open up Roth IRAs, I say “Great! Where do I sign?” This process works for us.

But my new job has caused unexpected animosity between us in regards to money. First, it was because I accepted the job despite the fact I would be getting paid less than what was initially promised. Since I don’t really care about money, I didn’t think it was a big deal. Travis disagreed.

Then, it was because I needed to get a new desk, wanted to redo the office, and had to buy office supplies – out of my own pocket. Reluctantly, Travis gave me a budget and I stayed within it (for the first time ever!)

We’ve fought over me needing a new printer and a shelf in the garage, me driving our own car up to Boulder instead of the company car, me getting paid a pathetic $15 per diem for when I’m traveling.

Tonight, the fight was about me going over our minutes on our cell phone plan (out of our 1,400 shared minutes, Travis used 130 and I used the rest, plus an additional $75 worth) and my working from home necessitating us having internet (since both of us have smart phones, we don’t really need internet at home). Both of these are things that my company should be pay for because they are things I need to do my job. But they don’t. I have asked them about getting more money for my phone (I currently get $30/month) but they refused, saying it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.

Travis’ reaction to all this is frustration at the owners of the company I work for. He feels (rightfully so) that they should be paying for this stuff and since they refuse, he gets angry. And when he’s riled up enough, he comes to me and tells me things need to change.

My reaction? Anger, right back. “What are my options?” I scream/ask. “I need these things to do my job. If they refuse to pay for these things, I have two options: I can put up with it or I can quit. Do you want me to quit?”

If you’ve followed my blog for any of the past few weeks, you know that this is not the first time or reason why I have contemplated quitting my job. And when my job causes this kind of friction and frustration between me and Travis, I can’t help but think “WHY do I have this job again?”

When Travis is upset about money in regards to my job, I can’t help but feel like the bad guy because if it weren’t for me, the one with the job, we wouldn’t be having these problems. And that makes me hate money even more – when I should really be hating Satan because I know these fights are exactly what he wants. Satan wants this to drive us apart. Satan wants this to take our eyes off God and wonder why He allows this kind of injustice to happen to us. Satan wants me to doubt God’s leading me into this job and wonder if maybe I made a mistake leaving Dare 2 Share and should look for a new job. Most of all, Satan wants to destroy our faith.

There are practical steps to be taken with this situation – I have already emailed my boss D about getting the company Vonage phone for my use, since she doesn’t use it and I really could. I downloaded an app to my phone that will allow me to tether it to my computer, turning my phone into its own hot spot, in the hopes that we will be able to cancel our internet service and save that $40 a month.

But the biggest step to take is faith. It’s running to the Father in prayer, asking for His wisdom to guide us, for His provision in our lives, and for His mighty hand to work this situation out for our good, as trite as it may seem in contrast to the big picture. So I will run, I will ask, and I will rest.

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Feeling somewhat like The Grinch…

18 Dec

I am a member of The Nest and on days like today when there’s not much happening at work, I hang out on the boards when I am *ahem* on my 15 minute break. Today, I posted a poll about Christmas presents, asking the ladies on the board 4 questions:

1. Who do you buy presents for?

2. Who buys you presents?

3. Do you buy presents because you want to or because you feel it’s expected of you?

4. If you could only have one Christmas present, what would it be?

Most of the ladies who responded had long lists of people they buy presents for…but they said that they like buying all those presents and that they would buy more if they could.

Am I the only one who doesn’t like buying Christmas presents, who finds it more of a chore and annoyance than an actual joy? It’s not that I don’t like getting people presents. I just don’t like that presents at Christmas are expected. I don’t like getting lists from people of the things they want for Christmas. I don’t like wandering the mall for hours searching for something to get [insert name here] when nothing seems to fit their personality or needs.

I LOVE giving gifts when I am walking around and randomly see something that makes me think of that person, something I know they’ll love and use. I LOVE giving gifts when they aren’t expected, when they have more thought in them than just “I thought you might like this…(and it was the only thing I could think of to get you).”

Travis and I don’t even really buy Christmas presents for each other. Last year, we had planned on our “Christmas present to each other” being a romantic weekend at a B&B in the mountains. Due to financial constraint, it didn’t happen…and it was never rescheduled. This year, Travis wanted to buy new $180 hunting boots, but he didn’t want to spend all of his Blow (personal spending $) on them. So the deal was I got $180 to spend on myself. So we kind of did Christmas presents but not really, because we both picked out and bought what we wanted without the other person (although I was with Travis when he bought his boots).

I would rather donate all the money we would spend on Christmas presents for other people to a non-profit organization that could really use it–and use it for people who really NEED it. But I don’t want to disappoint anyone and I also stop myself because I wonder if my desire for doing so is more a selfish desire to not have to go shopping for Christmas presents, rather than a desire to be generous. I think about all the things I put on my (obligatory) Christmas list and would really be ok with not getting any presents if it meant I didn’t have to give any.

Look at me, being such a Scrooge. But I’m being honest! The best part about Christmas for me is being with family, eating great food, going to church, listening to Christmas songs, drinking hot chocolate and eating Christmas cookies. Presents are really the lowest thing on the list for me. I really don’t think I would miss them at all.

But maybe I’m just being selfish. Maybe I’m forgetting the joy of thinking for other people and supplying them with things they (I hope) enjoy and (I pray) they use.

Or maybe, buying presents for the affluent is like buying cookies for an obese man. He may eat them and he may enjoy them…but does he NEED them?

Next year, I’m going to make my Christmas presents. At least then they’ll have the thought and effort behind them…even if they don’t have beauty or practicality. 🙂

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I rule.

21 Sep

All of my recent posts have been self-loathing and bemoaning my laziness. But this one will champion my productivity and ambition! A good change of pace if you ask me…

What did I do today exactly? you may be asking. Well, let me tell you.

1. Read my Bible and Day 31 of The Purpose-Driven Life

2. Went to church

3. Went to Walmart and bought toiletries, a plant, a pot, and some soil

4. Went back to church for a children’s ministry meeting

5. Potted new plant and repotted old plant

6. Emailed 3 of my old friends to see what they’re up to

7. Went shopping for hiking pants and scored a $9 North Face t-shirt as well as awesome-fitting ski pants AND hiking pants (I have such a hard time finding pants that fit, that whenever I do find pants that fit, I pretty much buy them regardless of cost. The hiking pants are The North Face and were $50. The ski pants are Columbia and were $65 on sale. Was it my shopping day or what? See pics of my finds below).

8. Called 3 girls from care group to catch up

9. Made 3 cards–a baby shower one, a sympathy one, and a so-sad-you’re-leaving one

10. Went to Home Depot to buy Travis a part he needed for his DIY plumbing job (more about that below)

11. Did laundry

12. Cooked dinner and did the dishes

13. Researched identity theft and submitting a fraud report to the Social Security office (one John Glenn has his name under my SSN! He hasn’t yet spent the millions of dollars I don’t have but I don’t want some guy’s name under my SSN!!)

14. And now I’m blogging!!

It has been a very productive day, I must say. And I love this feeling!! I don’t think I’m quite out of my funk (especially the eating junk food and exercising part) but at least I wasn’t a bum today!

So here are the pics of my way-awesome purchases today:

My sweet-o snow pants and new t-shirt

My sweet-o snow pants and new t-shirt

My ski pants from the front

My ski pants from the front

Close-up of my $9 t-shirt score--LOVE IT!

Close-up of my $9 t-shirt score--LOVE IT!

My hiking pants from the front

My hiking pants from the front

From the back

From the back

My butt--to show how good they fit!

My butt--to show how good they fit!

They're amazing!!

They're amazing!!

Travis was very productive today too, except he has only been working on one stinkin’ project since we got home from that church meeting–installing a pressure-reducing valve on our main water line. The water pressure in our house is something like 130 psi–twice what it’s supposed to be!! So in consideration of our pipes and water fixtures, we’re putting a valve on the water line to reduce the pressure. He’s also putting a water shut-off valve in our coat closet so that we don’t have to go all the way into the crawl space to shut the water off in an emergency. Travis had some defeats at first with the soldering but he’s gotten a long way–as I type, the water is shut off so that he can connect the PRV with the main water line. My fingers are crossed for him!

Our coat closet currently

Our coat closet currently

Travis is down there!

Travis is down there in the crawl space!

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