Tag Archives: motherhood

To Wean or Not to Wean

28 Jan

I honestly thought that I’d have no problem weaning Emma once she got close to a year old. I mean, think of the freedom! No longer would I have to be the one getting up at 5:30 am to feed Emma. Or staying up until she goes to bed. Or missing out on time with friends because I have to go nurse her in a different room (the nursing cover was given up on a LONG time ago). Or interrupting my work day to go pump in a room with as many as 6 other women (yes.).

I could start wearing regular bras again.

I wouldn’t have to tailor my wardrobe to what’s easiest to nurse in.

Oh and did I mention not having to pump anymore?

I’ve been thinking fairly seriously about weaning because I don’t really produce that much milk anymore. I pump twice a day at work and get 2-3 ounces each time. I’m guessing that Emma gets maybe 3-4 ounces when she nurses. I hate the thought of nursing and giving a bottle for each feeding, so I’ve just been nursing her on a 3-hour schedule still, plus 3 meals of solid foods a day. Before bedtime, I give Emma a 4-5 ounce bottle of formula, and then nurse her.

Emma seems content and is growing well, so I guess what we’re doing works. But then I think it would be so much easier and simpler to just be done with nursing. My goal was only to make it to a year anyway, because then Emma can have cow’s milk and not need expensive formula.

Faced with the actual reality of not nursing anymore, though, I realized that I’m not ready to give it up. I can’t put my finger on why but I just can’t get myself to pull the trigger. Part of it is that bottles are a lot more work – to make, clean, store, warm. Nursing is convenient. Emma has also stopped pulling off as much to look around and inspect things, so it’s less frustrating.

But I think most of it is that nursing is my bonding time with Emma. She’s never been a cuddler – these days, she barely wants to be held at all. She’s on the move! So nursing is a special thing.

Side note: The other night, Emma woke up and had a bad cough. She didn’t want to lay in my arms like usual, so I held her upright against me and she leaned her head on my chest – she hasn’t done that since she learned to hold her head up! It was 2 a.m. but I was in HEAVEN.

A day will come, though, when Emma no longer needs – or wants – to nurse. Then it will be on to the next stage in our relationship.

But that day is not today.

 

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9 Months Postpartum

22 Jan

Every month, I feel more in the groove of being a mother. In the past 3 months, I’ve started to once again make dinner, exercise, have date nights with Travis and read. We’re also in the thick of learning how to do house projects with a baby. We couldn’t do them this quickly, though, without a bunch of awesome friends who are willing to help us out. Thanks friends!

So here’s life at 9 months (almost 10 months…) postpartum:

Physical Recovery

Obviously I’m long since recovered from actually giving birth, but my body is still not the same. Most noticeably, I can’t sleep on my left side for very long because it ends up hurting my stomach. ?!?!? And I can still tell that my joints are achier/weaker. But maybe that’s just me getting old and/or out of shape…

I still have a linea negra on my belly, though it’s *almost* gone. And I still haven’t gotten my monthly visitor back, which I thank breastfeeding for.

I would also like to note here that my body has mostly adjusted to chronic sleep deprivation. Even on days when I feel like a zombie in the morning, I can usually turn things around after several cups of coffee and be fairly productive/interactive. But to maintain that, I have to go to bed between 8 and 9 every night. Emma is an early riser!

Body Weight / Image

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I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but as I mentioned in my 6-month update, I was in marathon shape and very muscular then, so being the same weight doesn’t mean I’m the same as I was then. The 2 main differences that I notice about my body now vs. pre-pregnancy are 1) my stomach is squishier and 2) my butt is flatter – not necessarily a good thing. I’m sure things will start firming back up, though, now that I’m actually working out again. I’m planning to start training soon for a 15K in April. It’ll feel good to have a goal again. Until then, I’m just getting back into the groove of running with some 2 and 3 mile runs.

I’ve also been doing some strength training at home, and last week, I checked out a bunch of workout DVDs from the library. The only workout DVDs I currently have are either too long to do during naptime, or too intense for my poor joints, so I’m looking to add some to my collection. I haven’t been going to the gym for workout classes and stuff as much as I thought I would – usually because it’s either Emma’s naptime, or will be soon, and she is known for having meltdowns when she’s tired and not with mom. But I don’t want to use that as an excuse to not work out at all – hence the DVDs. In our new (bigger) house, I’m hoping to have an exercise room where I can have my bike set up on the trainer, an elliptical (my birthday present from my parents last year! We just don’t have it at our house because it’s too small), a TV for workout DVDs, free weights, exercise ball, etc.

Since the new year, I’ve also been eating healthier. Most notably, I’ve been eating a fruit or veggie with (almost) every meal or snack, cut WAY back on my sweets and wine intake, and cooking something for dinner besides a frozen pizza. Planning is key. If I fail to plan, I fall to pizza. Anyway, eating better and exercising more has helped me start feeling more like my old self, and not so much of a blob. It’s nice.

Emotional

I still have my moments, but overall, I am really enjoying being a mom right now. Emma is such a delight and even when she’s screaming, I can’t help but smile and say “Oh, she’s so cute! I could just eat her up!” I love the noises and faces she makes. I enjoy seeing her little personality emerge. I love when she giggles, and how she loves being held upside down and spun around in chairs. Crazy little girl!

During one of Travis’ recent work trips, I realized that I’m not scared to be alone with Emma at night anymore. I’m not scared of her waking up, or her screaming bloody murder for no reason. Because I’ve done it all and survived! But really, I think it’s because I know Emma so much better now. There are still times when I have no clue what’s wrong, but for the most part, I know what’s up and can remedy it. It does help to know, though, that the world won’t stop spinning if I don’t get much sleep one night. I just look forward to Travis coming home so that I can have a nap!

It’s hard to believe that Emma will be 1 year old in just a few months. It’s gone fast, and yet so much has happened during that time. I’m probably the only one, but I honestly do not feel like time is going too quickly. I don’t want Emma to remain forever young. I want to know her personality, to find out what she’s interested in and talented at, to experience the world with her. That means she has to grow up. And I welcome it! Maybe someday I will miss the baby days, but right now, I’m enjoying the baby days but excited for all that the coming months and years have in store.

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6 Months Postpartum

10 Oct

I feel like 6 months postpartum deserves an update. So here’s how things are going:

Physical Recovery

Taking into account the fact that I am a lot less active now than I was pre-pregnancy, I feel like I can say that I am more or less back to normal. Update on a few weird side effects of pregnancy that I haven’t talked about before (because I forgot to!):

  • My arms used to go numb really easily, but that has gone away.
  • My knees used to really hurt whenever I squatted/sat down, but I realized this was from squatting/lunging weird while holding a baby upright. I’m trying to lunge/squat properly now.
  • I couldn’t lay on my left side without my stomach hurting. This has gotten better, though it hasn’t completely disappeared.
  • I still have the linea negra, but it’s fading slowly.

My face acne has gotten a lot better, and I’m guessing that the difference now from pre-pregnancy is that I’m no longer on a birth control pill that contains estrogen. Boo on acne at age 30!

I’ve been sleeping enough hours at night for long enough now that I feel like a normal human being almost always, so that has been nice. I still LOVE when it’s time for bed though! If it weren’t for my current obsession with How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, I would go to bed at the same time Emma does.

Body Weight / Image

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I got on the scale yesterday morning and surprisingly, it read only about 1.5 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. But when I got pregnant, I was in marathon shape. I was muscular. So it’s not really comparing apples and apples to say I’m back to that weight. But it’s something! And I can fit into more and more of my pre-pregnancy clothes as the months go by. I have realized, though, that a lot of my shirts from then were short-ish and tight, so I’m not sure if I’ll ever wear them again. Some shirts and dresses still don’t fit over the milk-makers. I now buy shirts in size Large. It doesn’t bother me, but it just wasn’t something I expected. I did expect my feet to grow, but they didn’t. I’m still the same size there (which I appreciate because I hate shoe shopping!).

In my 12 Weeks Postpartum post, I talked about wanting to eat better. Hmm… that has gotten slightly better, though it still definitely needs improvement. Before I got pregnant, I was good about balance. If I wanted a glass of wine, I’d skip the chocolate. If we were eating out for dinner, I’d have a healthy lunch. But ever since pregnancy gave me (almost) free rein, I let myself have wine, chocolate AND a big dinner. It’s so hard to say no! (And yes, breastfeeding does give me a LITTLE more leeway than normal but not that much!)

I haven’t gotten back into exercise as much as I had been hoping to, but now that Emma can go to the gym childcare, I’m excited to start going to classes and stuff again! I miss feeling active and fit. The whole moving to Minnesota thing has kind of thrown my plans for a half marathon up into the air, but I’m going to start training in November anyway. I need a goal. I think I’ll try to do a 10K in December too.

But overall, in regards to body weight and image, I really feel very comfortable with where I’m at right now. I mean, as long as I don’t have to wear a bikini ever again anytime soon.

Emotional

I’ll admit that it took me a LONG time to adjust to being a mom. I had a hard time giving up my freedom and rest – not being able to run errands when I wanted, train for races, veg on the couch at night, go on trips we’ve always talked about, cook dinner, read a book, spend time with hubby alone or sleep a full 8 hours. Slowly, I have found ways to still include these things in my life. I can plan meals during her nap. I do laundry while she bounces in her jumperoo. We run errands together when Emma is awake. (Again I say, things have gotten so much easier as Emma has gotten older! I couldn’t put her down for the first 2 months of her life due to her feeding issues.)

But still, some days, Emma demands it all. I don’t have either the time or energy to get everything done. So I’ve learned PRIORITIES. I choose 2-3 things that need to get done and stick to those. This past Monday, it was 1) Take Emma to her 6-month appointment 2) Take Emma’s 6-month pictures and 3) Bring dinner to our friends who just had a baby. I was able to get all of that done on Monday, but some days, even that doesn’t happen. My post about learning to let things go has been a great reminder to me about trusting God with my to-do list. He’s got it under control, so I don’t have to.

I loved Emma since the moment she was born, but having a new baby was so challenging that I didn’t feel love for her a lot of the time. In the past month or so, though, God has graciously made my heart overflow with love for Emma. It’s now a treat when I can rock her to sleep, and just stare at her little face. I love hugging her, kissing her face, and listening to her coo and shriek in her own little way. I look forward to picking her up after being at work all day. (Though nights without Travis home still intimidate me.)

Our trip to Minnesota a couple weeks ago reminded me of how hard those first 2 months were. No wonder I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged! Having a baby who cries a lot and refuses to be put down is HARD. It’s hard to enjoy your baby and new role as a mom in the midst of that. And that’s where I was until Emma was about 5 months.

I’m finally at a place where I enjoy being a mom (most days). I’m still looking forward to being able to do more things with Emma, like go to the playground, museum, library, movies, etc. but she’s learning and engaging with new things everyday, which is fun. I have also really enjoyed being back at work part-time. It does make life a little bit crazier, but it helps me really enjoy the days I am at home with Emma.

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Why We Are Sleep Training (When I Swore I Never Would)

18 Sep

The road to sleep training for us has been gradual and not nearly as bumpy (or full of crying on either mine or Emma’s part) as I expected it to be.

THE BEGINNING

We first tried letting Emma cry herself to sleep when she was around 8 weeks old. It was a hail-mary stab at maintaining sanity but she screamed so loud, and her face was so red, for those 10 minutes that I decided that was not the method for us.

When Emma was around 3 months old, there were still some times when she was so upset that I got upset and had to put her down and walk away. Fifteen minutes later, she was crying just as hard  – and now even she had little tears running down her red face. The only way she’d had cried herself to sleep would’ve been out of sheer exhaustion.

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Emma’s red face (Don’t worry, I did not leave her there to cry)

During that time, I was still holding Emma for the majority of her naps. I know, I know, you’re not supposed to do that. But she wouldn’t sleep for longer than 40 minutes if I put her down, and if she didn’t sleep longer than 40 minutes for any nap, she got overtired and cranky. So I chose to deal with the issue of a baby napping in my arms instead of feel the wrath of an overtired baby. (And it ended up not being an issue anyway.)

THE TRANSITION

With the deadline of going back to work approaching, I started putting Emma down in her Rock N Play Sleeper for more naps, fully swaddled. I alternated between holding her and putting her down, so that she’d still have some good naps, but also get used to being put down. When I went back to work, Emma was put down for all of her naps in a Pack n Play, so that moved her even more toward napping well on her own, as well as in a location other than her Rock N Play, and flat on her back.

Around the time Emma turned 4 months, my friend Charlotte (who takes care of Emma while I’m at work) mentioned that she was putting Emma down when she was slightly awake, and just patting her a bit while Emma fell asleep on her own. I was encouraged by that, and started doing it too. (It has been so helpful to learn from someone who knows a lot more about babies than I do!)

During that same time, Emma found her hands and LOVED to suck on them. So we started swaddling her with one arm out. It was easy for Emma to get her other hand out of the swaddle though, so the swaddle was more for just keeping her from whacking herself before falling asleep.1072261_603040393059620_1545140901_o

Yummy hands!

Luckily, ever since we got our Rock N Play Sleeper at around 7 weeks, Emma has slept really well at night. She slept 5-6 hours straight at 2 months, 7-8 hours at 3 months, and 9-10 hours at 4-5 months.

THE PROCESS

A couple weeks before Emma turned 5 months old, we started putting her down for naps and bedtime fully awake. What changed? Three things:

1)      Emma had become so much more aware of her surroundings, it sometimes seemed counter-productive to bounce her to sleep — like our presence was keeping her awake.

2)      She can entertain herself. Emma loves playing with her feet and talking to herself. So when we put her down awake (but not overtired), she enjoys hanging out for a bit and then falling asleep.

3)      Her cry is different. It’s no longer the “I’ve been abandoned” cry, but instead the “I don’t like this” cry. Or when she’s really crying, it’s the “I’m so tired, I can’t get to sleep” cry.

My one condition for agreeing to try sleep training was that I wouldn’t implement or obey any hard and fast rules. No “You can’t pick her up before 10 minutes” or “You can’t pick her up at all” or “You can’t hold her for a nap ever again.” I know they say the most important thing is to be consistent, but I’d rather listen to my intuition than rules. They say that if I pick her up when she cries, she’ll learn that if she cries, I’ll come. I say, isn’t that what I want her to learn? That I’ll be there for her when she really needs me?

So I set a 10-minute time limit. If she’s still crying (and not just whimpering or whining) after 10 minutes, I go in and bounce her. If she’s REALLY crying, I go in sooner than that. If she took a short nap and I can tell she’s still tired but won’t let me put her down, I hold her. And guess what? She’s still making progress.

Something that has really helped with this process is that we figured out a nap and bedtime routine that Emma likes and that calms her down before sleep. When she was younger, Emma hated baths, books, lotion, getting dressed, and would cry the minute she got swaddled, so I was at a loss for what to do as a pre-sleep routine. But now she LOVES the bath and has even stopped crying when we take her out. She still doesn’t like books, or getting her arms put in sleeves, but loves being massaged and having us sing to her.

Our nap routine: When we notice Emma getting fussy or turning her head like she’s tired, or rubbing her eyes, we take her into the nursery, put her sleepsack on and rock her for a bit while singing her a song. Then we turn on her white noise, put her down, say “It’s time for a nap,” and walk out.

Our bedtime routine: About an hour before Emma should be in bed falling asleep, we give her a bath. She plays for about 10 minutes, then we wash her and take her out. We dry her off, put a diaper on, give her a little massage with lotion while listening to music, and put her pajamas on. Then we sit in the rocker, sing a song or 2, and pray. After that, we put her sleepsack on and I nurse her one last time. Then we turn on her white noise, kiss her, put her down and walk out.

Out of the Swaddle, Into the Crib

Until the week that Emma turned 5 months old, she was still sleeping in her Rock N Play Sleeper, with one arm swaddled out. But we finally took the plunge. Since she could get her arm out of the swaddle so easily, she was practically already unswaddled. So for one night, I swaddled her with no arms in (just wrapped it around her waist). She slept straight through the night. The next night, I put her in a sleepsack instead of a swaddle and put her down in her crib. She again slept through the night! She’s been in the sleepsack and crib ever since. So that transition was really easy.

I think the transition was so smooth because she had gotten older, gotten used to sleeping on a flat surface at daycare (and for a few naps at home), and liked to play with her hands and feet. She loves to scoot around in a circle in her crib now!

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Emma’s first morning waking up in her crib (I removed the pillows after that – didn’t know she could get to them in the corner!)

THE CURRENT STATUS

Emma still has trouble falling asleep on her own every once in a while, especially if we put her down when she’s overtired. Bedtime can also be a hard time. So I still bounce her a couple times a week. But overall, she is doing great. There are times when she falls asleep with no crying at all. Sometimes, she whimpers a little for a few minutes and then falls asleep.

Her naps are longer during the day now too, but for the past week or so, Emma has woken up a lot at night – which makes me wonder if she’s going through a growth spurt. She’ll talk to herself for a while and I give her the chance to fall back asleep on her own. Sometimes she does. Other times, I get up and nurse her. Again, I refuse to follow rules instead of my own intuition.

THE CONCLUSION

I will say, it has been very relieving to be able to just put Emma down for naps and bedtime, instead of spending several minutes (or tens of minutes) bouncing and rocking her. Even if I go back in to bounce her when she’s really upset, she has less energy for crying (so she falls asleep faster) and my patience is much greater. I hardly ever feel angry at her anymore, whereas before, when we were bouncing and rocking her all the time, it was sometimes a major fight and frustration.

I wouldn’t change the way we did things though. I do feel confident that we gave Emma what she needed at the time, and that she wasn’t ready for sleep training until now. I feel like we’ve nudged Emma to learn to sleep on her own, instead of forcing her. And we don’t expect progress to be continually forward – it can be two steps forward, one step back.

It helps so much when they get older! For future babies, I’m not going to worry so much about pampering them when they’re young, knowing that as they get older, they grow more independent.

So my encouragement to any new moms out there is to be patient. Trust your instincts, be willing to forego the ‘rules’ and give your baby what he or she needs. Instead of worrying about all the milestones down the road, or all the hypothetical problems or issues that could arise, learn your baby, adapt to their needs and do what works for them.

Obviously, I’m still learning, and I was so hesitant to do sleep training that I probably wouldn’t have without encouragement from Charlotte and Travis. But it has been helpful for us, and I believe, for Emma.

Let me know if you have any questions about our experience!

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Not for a Moment

15 Aug

I’m in love with the song “Not for a Moment” by Meredith Andrews right now. It is just such a great reminder that there is a reality bigger than what I can see in the current moment – and that reality is God’s constancy, goodness and sovereignty. Even when it doesn’t feel like He’s near or things are getting better, I can have faith that He has never and will never forsake me.

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water,
Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a thousand miles away.
Not for a moment, did You forsake me.
Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise.
Even when I could not hear.
I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show,
Not for a moment did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

And every step, every breath You are there.
Every tear, every cry, every breath.
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Even in the dark, even when it’s hard
You will never leave me
After all

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

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Back to Work: How It’s Going

10 Aug

I’ve made it through 2 weeks of being back at work so far (a total of 6 days) and like I mentioned in my last post, things are going really well so far.

My two main concerns going into this change were: 1) being able to pump enough milk and 2) Emma taking good enough naps to not ruin her night sleep. I’m happy to report that both of those things are going as well as I had hoped!

First, milk. My work has a mother’s room that is only about a 1-minute walk from my office, which is great. It has 2 tables, a bunch of outlets, a fridge, microwave, cabinets, and a sink. I pump 3 times a day (usually around 10, 1 and 4) for a total of about 15 minutes. With the walk, setup, cleanup and pumping time, it probably takes about 20 minutes total. I’m paid hourly now that I’m only part-time, so I go in 30 minutes early to offset the time I spend pumping (and I figure I get at least an on-the-clock 15 minute break by law so I think it’s working out ok). I don’t have a laptop so sometimes I bring work that I can easily print off (like emails or presentations to review) but most of the time, I just count it as non-work time and read blogs or a book. (I’m currently reading Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan. If you like his stand-up comedy, you’d like the book!)

I had discussed my fears about not having enough milk with one of my friends who had gone back part-time after having her kids and she suggested I take a Go-Lacta Malunggay supplement. She said that it had helped her produce so much extra milk, she actually became engorged. So I figured, what the heck, it’s worth a shot. You can take 2-3 capsules 3 times a day but I’m only taking 1 a day, since I wanted to avoid having WAY too much milk. And I think it’s working. Each time I pump, I get 4 oz, sometimes 5 (total). Before I started taking the supplement, I was pumping only about 3 each time. Regardless of the explanation, I’m relieved that milk hasn’t been an issue so far.

So I bring my breast pump in a bag, and 3 empty bottles in a bottle cooler over to the mother’s room for my first pumping, and I leave them there until my last pumping. I use the 3 bottles I fill each day for the next day. I have been freezing the bottles from Thursday since I thought the milk could only be in the fridge for 72 hours before using or freezing, but I just read that 5 days is acceptable, so I guess I might just leave them in the fridge from now on.

Anyway, I ended up buying a pumping bra and I’m very glad that I did. Not only is it nice to have both hands free while pumping, it has been nice for modesty too, since there is almost always another woman in the mother’s room pumping too.

Second, naps. Emma has taken probably only 5 or 6 naps longer than 45 minutes on her own for me in her life. But at Charlotte’s house, she’ll take at least nap longer than an hour a day, sometimes two. Sometimes she even sleeps 2 hours! I’m really glad for both Charlotte and Emma’s sake that she’s napping so well – but I wish she would nap like that for me too! I asked Charlotte what she does to get her to nap like that, and one of her ideas was that I put her down for naps too early – she waits until Emma is ready to crack, whereas I had just been watching the clock and putting her down when it was ‘time.’

I’ve been trying Charlotte’s strategy the past couple of days and I will say that Emma goes down MUCH easier than before. For one of her naps today, I literally swaddled her and she fell asleep. No bouncing, no pacifier. It was amazing. I figured that since the timing was so perfect, she would sleep for a while. Nope. She woke up after about 35 minutes. Wah wah. But I’ll keep trying. Emma is not predictable in any sense, so maybe it’ll work tomorrow.

As far as my emotions about leaving Emma, I am definitely sad each morning when I drop her off, and I look at her picture a lot while I’m at work. But I have enjoyed being back at work a lot more than I expected. Things are crazy busy so it’s been a little stressful, but I love having adult responsibilities, doing something I’m good at, and having time to just sit and focus on what I’m doing, instead of feeling rushed or being interrupted. I also appreciate and enjoy Emma more during the evenings and on the days I’m home. So for now, this was definitely the right choice for us.

Luckily, Emma hasn’t yet had a bad night of sleeping on a ‘work night’ so I’m sure that’ll add some drama into the mix when she does. That is always the most daunting and scary part to me about Travis traveling for work (which he is doing every 2-3 weeks right now). Even though he no longer gets up at night to help with Emma (unless she’s waking up every hour or 2 and I know she isn’t hungry, which is rare), it’s just nice to know that he’s there – probably because he can watch her in the morning while I go back to bed for a few hours – like I did this morning. But overall, God has been VERY gracious to me while Travis is gone because there have only been a few times when I felt at the end of my rope. Emma has saved all her fussiness for when daddy’s back home. 😉

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Trusting in God’s Love When Life is Hard

22 Jul

One of the books Emma got as a gift is “Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You” by Nancy Tillman. It has quickly become one of my all-time favorite books – because even though the author wrote it describing a parent’s love for their child, it’s such a wonderful description of God’s love for His children.

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My two favorite parts are:

“In the green of the grass…in the smell of the sea…in the clouds floating by…at the top of a tree…in the sound crickets make at the end of the day… ‘You are loved. You are loved. You are loved,’ they all say.”

“You are my angel, my darling, my star… and my love will find you, wherever you are.”

Ever since Emma was born and my life was turned completely upside down, I’ve been thinking about the practical, daily implications of God’s love. When God doesn’t take away my trials, I don’t feel like He loves me. I’d rather He prove His love for me through easier circumstances and less mess.

But that isn’t the way God works. So how can I trust that God’s love is real and steadfast, even when life seems to plead the contrary?

The foundation for my trust is that God has already proven His love – through Jesus’s death on the cross – and that God is sovereign and in control of every detail about my life. Those truths together enable me to trust that God is actively revealing His love for me each day. Every joy, grace and even the trials speak God’s refrain to me, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.” Faith enables me to see circumstances for what they truly are.

Analogies help me better understand intangible concepts. When a parent disciplines their child, they do so out of love because they have the big picture in mind. The discipline isn’t enjoyable for the child in the moment, but the parent has their greater good in mind – how the lesson they learn will serve them later in life. Their discipline flows out of love.

In the same way, “God disciplines us for our good” and “He disciplines who He loves.” In the moment, the trials and challenges of life “feel painful rather than pleasant, but later produce the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by them” (Hebrews 13). God has the big picture in mind. He’s concerned primarily about our holiness, not our temporal happiness – because He understands our greatest need is to be redeemed. So our trials aren’t meaningless. They are accomplishing the will of God in our lives.

But God knows how easily we get discouraged so He still provides little graces each day – things that help us see and remember, “I am loved.” His love is practical and tangible, if only we’re willing to wait and watch for it. So that’s how I can practically trust each day in God’s love for me, even when life is hard. Because I know that “through the steadfast love of the Most High [I] shall not be moved” (Psalm 21:7).

What does trusting in God’s love look like for you?

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12 Weeks Postpartum

27 Jun

It’s been 12 weeks since I gave birth to our little girl. Here’s how things are going:

Physical Recovery

I feel more and more like my old self every day. Albeit, a weaker and less fit self but it’s still nice.

With Travis traveling a lot for work now and Emma not liking her carseat a whole ton, running, and working out in general, has really taken a backseat. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to squeeze something in but I’m just trying to be patient right now – it’s only for a season. Emma and I do take a short walk every day so I’m not a total bum.

I had started to take birth control with a low dose of estrogen (Lo Loestrin) but when I went to get my prescription filled after finishing the sample pack, I discovered that our insurance didn’t cover much of it, so it would cost me almost $90 a month. Um, no. So I’m going to start taking a generic progesterone-only pill that my insurance will cover.

I still have a lot of breakouts on my face, though it does seem to be slowly getting better.

I still have the linea negra, though that is also starting to fade slowly.

And finally, I’ve started sleeping on my stomach again! I mostly sleep on my back and side still because of breast fullness but that’sbgotten a lot better than it was even a month ago. Oh how I’ve missed sleeping on my stomach!

Body Weight / Image
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I haven’t lost any weight since my 6-week postpartum update, so I’m still 7-8 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. I bought a few new pairs of pants that I can wear to work, a couple pairs of shorts, and some looser tops, so I’m not feeling tons of pressure to lose the weight – and I’m pretty sure it’d be darn near impossible anyway since some of it comes from having grown 2 cup sizes (pregnancy and then breastfeeding). And though I would love to tone up my stomach, it’s just not my focus right now. I’ll get there eventually.

My eating habits haven’t been the greatest either. With Travis gone, I’ve been surviving on leftovers and easy things like cereal, bagels and toast. I do have dinner with friends on a regular basis so that helps me eat healthier meals (since they’re cooking). My plan is to cook healthy meals while Travis is home, with enough extra to give me leftovers for lunch or dinner while he’s gone. I’m also going to try to eat more fruits and veggies.

Emotional

The emotional aspect of motherhood is still hard for me. There are some days when I love being a mom and feel optimistic about the new pace of life – those days are a breath of fresh air that help rejuvenate me. But other days are a struggle. I long for the old days of freedom and ease. I feel isolated at home and totally unsure of my decisions as a mother (specifically regarding Emma’s sleep habits). I get discouraged because I don’t have time to do things like workout or cook dinner.

But I’ve been reminding myself of 2 truths for encouragement:

One, I will never again have this much time to devote to one child. I won’t be able to sit and hold Emma or her siblings for naps when she’s older and not an only child, so instead of wishing this time away so that I could do laundry or dishes, or an exercise video, I should enjoy it – it’s only temporary.

Two, the words of James: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

My main struggle is faith – am I truly trusting that this is how God wants me to spend my time? Or do I think there’s something more noble, fulfilling and worthy of my energy? Not every woman is called to be a mother, but I am. And after my calling as a wife, there is nothing more important for me than being a mother. It may look differently than I expected (and it does!) but it’s exactly what God expected and planned for me. I’m still learning how to let go of expectations and joyfully embrace the reality that God has ordained for my life. I’m sure it’ll be a lifelong lesson!

God is using parenting to teach me self-sacrifice and to find my joy and worth in Him alone. I am being shown how much of my identity and self-worth has been tied up in being productive and doing things I’m good at – or at least things I know a lot about. With those reassurances stripped away, I am completely dependent on God’s help and grace. There’s nothing like the feeling of helplessness to drive me into God’s arms. So for that, I’m thankful. And I’m praying that God would continue to help me embrace my new reality and joyfully make these sacrifices for my family, as well as give me the wisdom I so desperately need.

And that’s where I’m at 12 weeks postpartum!

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The Eternal Blessing of Motherhood

12 May

Today is my first Mother’s Day. It has been a decent day. Emma has cried a lot today and had her first diaper blowout, prompting an outfit change at church. But on the bright side, it’s GORGEOUS weather outside and Travis and I were able to eat Chipotle for lunch on our deck while Emma slept. Now Travis is taking a nap while I watch Emma, and in a bit, he’ll watch her while I take a nap. Teamwork!

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In honor of this special day, I wanted to share this amazing blog post that my wonderful sister-in-law, Jen — mother to my 16-month-old nephew — wrote on her blog Building a Humble Home.

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Being a mother is the single greatest gift and honor in the world. Nothing compares to the love and joy you feel for your child. Nothing else really seems to matter once you become a mommy. Being a wife and mother is my life’s calling. Raising our son and caring for our home is exactly where I belong.

However, I didn’t always feel that way. The first 8 weeks of motherhood were hard. So hard, that I remember pacing the halls trying my best to quiet a screaming baby, and in tears of frustration, wondered why anyone would want to be a parent. In those moments you wonder if it will ever really “get better” as everyone says it will. Yes, moments I’m not proud of, but sleepless nights and post pregnancy hormones can do a number on a new breastfeeding mother.

As I’m discovering, being a mother can be more challenging than I realized. Some days harder than others. Those difficult days will test your very being. Finding ways to be patient and show love even when you are tired and worn down can be one of the hardest. The devil makes you lose your focus for your family. In these moments the devil will make you feel self-centered, filling you full of lies about deserving more in your life, making you feel like folding laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house is not important. All lies!

On the hard days, I’m learning that when focus is lost and frustration and anger take hold, I have to surrender to God and give it all to Him in prayer. The moment I try to do it alone or feel that I’ve got it, I’m knocked down.

I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in control.

No amount of hair appointments, or exercise, or shopping will refuel and rejuvenate me like time in the Savior’s Word. That is where I am lifted back up, reassured, and given a hug and a pat on the back. That is where I’m reminded that raising our son and caring for our home is virtuous.

I’m also learning that when I remain focused on God throughout my day (prayer, listening to sermons, and reading the Bible) I notice I’m a different person, a better mother. I’m calm, relaxed, patient, engaged, and present. You see, God knows exactly what we need. And He is using motherhood to strengthen my relationship with Him, molding me to be the person He created me to be so I can sow seeds in our son’s life. Coming to understand why motherhood is difficult is not something that happens over night and is something that requires God’s continuous work on me daily. Through my struggles and weakness, He provides me strength. It’s when I’m most vulnerable and weak, that I grow stronger in the Lord.

Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

Jeremiah 17:10 “I the Lord, search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doing.”

Isaiah 40:28-31 “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

It’s imperative that I give my all and continually seek God in motherhood. My son’s life depends on it. I’m doing more than just raising a son; I’m raising a disciple of God.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 “5 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”

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What a crucial reminder Jen’s post was to me that my daughter is an eternal being with a soul and that her greatest need is to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. It is an honor to be entrusted a little life to raise up as a follower of Christ, and I can only be the loving, patient, faithful mother I am called to be by daily spending time in God’s presence.

Go check out her blog – she has tons of great thoughts about motherhood and life!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my lovely readers who are mothers!

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Emma: 4 Weeks

6 May

This has probably been the hardest week of my life. Emma has had 3 states of being: eating, sleeping and crying. So much crying. Instead of falling asleep after nursing like she had the first couple of weeks, she will now be content for about 10-30 seconds before starting to scream her head off. It takes several minutes just to calm her down, not to mention get her to sleep. There have been a few times when she is alert and seemingly happy, so we do tummy time or walk around talking but they, too, always end in crying.

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We have come up with several theories for why Emma is crying so much now, but before I get into those, can I just say that I find it impossible to tell what Emma wants solely from the sound of her crying? They say that infants have different cries for different needs… I just hear screaming and unhappiness. Maybe this changes as she gets older? Or maybe Emma only has one crying volume: LOUD?

Anyway, our first theory was that she’s uncomfortable from gas. I asked our pediatrician about it at our 2 week appointment and she recommended getting some Mylicon anti-gas drops. So we did and we’ve been giving them to her, but I honestly haven’t noticed much of a difference in her crying or comfort level. Also, according to Dr. Harvey Karp of The Happiest Baby on the Block, babies rarely cry from gas pains. So that doesn’t seem to be her problem (those she does have quite a bit of gas). Nonetheless, I have mostly eliminated dairy from my diet in hopes that maybe it will help her (also a suggestion from our doctor) – which is ridiculously hard for me, since I LOVE milk, yogurt, cheese, ice cream and chocolate.

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The second was that she’s not eating enough at each feeding. After self-diagnosing myself with an oversupply or fast milk letdown, I started feeding Emma from only one side per nursing session, per advice I read on the La Leche League website and in their book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. But around the same time I started doing that, Emma started crying bloody murder after feedings. I had been hesitant to offer more in those instances, out of the fear of overfeeding her. But after a little more research and motherly intuition, I’ve decided that overfeeding a breastfed infant would be pretty hard to do. So I’ve started offering both sides (unless she falls asleep or looks particularly content after one side, which happens rarely) and also offering to nurse whenever it seems like she could possibly be hungry, regardless of how long it’s been since she ate last. Sometimes she eats more, sometimes she doesn’t. When she eats more, she does seem more content. So this has helped some.

The third was that she’s overstimulated. The first several days that she was crying a lot, we tried everything we could think of to console her – rocking, swaying, swinging, vibrating, shushing, pacifier, swaddling, walking, upright on our chest, laying in our arms, bouncing. The more we tried, the worse it got. Finally we figured out that less is more and stick to some combination of the following: swaddling, holding her upright on our chest, making a “shhh” sound in her ear, bouncing on our exercise ball or Ikea chair, and letting her suck on a pacifier. I also found that she will fall asleep in the car, but not always.

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The fourth was that she’s overtired. There have been so many times when Emma has *almost* been asleep but just when we thought we were home free, those little eyes would pop open again and we were back to square one. It’s like she fights going to sleep with her entire being. But honestly, I don’t know how to prevent this from happening. Our ‘routine’ (if you can call it that) is this: 2-3 hours from her last feeding, Emma wakes up or starts grunting a lot, so we pick her up, change her diaper and nurse. If she’s awake and happy when she’s done nursing (a rarity), I either read her a book or sing songs (if she’s awake but chill) or we do tummy time (if she’s moving her arms and legs around). Both of those activities last maybe 15 minutes before Emma yawns… or starts crying, which begins the cycle of trying to calm her down and get her to sleep.

But the norm for the past week is that we finish nursing and Emma starts crying almost immediately. And not just a little – like all out bloody murder crying. Her face turns bright red. Her little fists are clenched. She is ANGRY. And I’m confounded. Once she’s asleep, Emma usually sleeps for a good 1-3 hours at a stretch, so I feel like she’s still getting a decent amount of sleep. But after almost every time that she’s awake, it’s an ordeal to get her back to sleep. Another thought I had is that she gets so riled up by her crying that it’s hard for her to unwind enough for sleep, but I still don’t know what we can do about that because she goes from zero to crying in less than 2 seconds. And she does that right after nursing. So how do you prevent that from happening?

My latest theory is that is that maybe she can’t handle the caffeine in the cup of coffee I drink everyday (does it sound like I’m grasping at straws yet?). So I am also giving up my beloved morning coffee – the thing that has given me hope when Emma wakes up an hour or two earlier than expected each morning – and switching to decaf. I would go insane if I couldn’t have coffee at all.

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Anyway, this week has been filled with me feeling like my life is over and I will never enjoy anything again. I haven’t handled it well, especially in my relationship with Travis. I’ve been drowning my sorrows in self-pity with a very “Woe is me” attitude, which benefits no one. Even though deep down, I want to embrace this reality from God and give thanks for His mercies that are new every morning – because I know that that is the path to joy – I can’t do it. I can’t stop focusing on all the things about life right now that are so not what I want. My face is still breaking out. My belly is still as soft as bread dough. Neither my pre-pregnancy nor maternity clothes fit right anymore and I don’t feel like we can afford me to buy a bunch of new ones, especially when they’re just to fill in the gap right now. I fight against taking many naps during the day because I don’t want to spend my entire existence nursing and sleeping, and I hate how it feels to get up after not getting enough sleep. But my stubbornness leaves me even more exhausted.

People keep telling me “It’ll get better.” And I’m sure somehow, somewhere, that’s true. But I can’t help but get angry when they say that because how does that help me today? Am I just supposed to resign myself to being miserable for the next however many weeks until Emma gets older? And how do I love my inconsolable daughter and well-meaning husband in the meantime, when I feel so trapped and discouraged?

Don’t get me wrong – I love Emma and Travis, and couldn’t imagine life without them. I know that Travis wishes he could do more to help me and he’s been great about staying up late to take care of Emma while I get some sleep during her least fussy period. And he doesn’t get angry or offended when I vent my frustrations to him and accuse him of not understanding how hard this is. With Emma, there are a few moments each day when she is awake and happy, and she makes the cutest noises in the whole world. I know she’s worth it, even though I’m tempted at times to question my decision to be a mother.

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Nothing prepares you for how hard it is to have a baby, or how much you still love them in spite of it. For how you finally lay down to take a nap while your partner is taking care of the baby, but you can’t sleep because you can hear her crying and you feel guilty that you’re not the one out there consoling her. For how every baby and child you see in the store, on TV, at church and on the street remind you of your little one, and make your heart ache with the deepest love, and you know that there is nothing in the whole world that could make you give them up or live without them. For how hearing your baby cry breaks your heart so swiftly that you end up crying with them. For how you desperately want your baby to know how much they’re loved and cherished, so even though in the present moment, you just wish you could put her down and walk away, you don’t. You stay – heart breaking, eyes stinging, world imploding – and you keep on keeping on.

There is so much more that I could say. I have a hard time praying these days because my emotions are such a twisted mess, so I usually just end up saying “Lord, You know. Help me.” I continue to remind myself of Ann Voskamp’s words that “life change happens when we accept life with thanks and ask for nothing to change,” hoping that if I keep reminding myself, maybe I’ll eventually believe it. And I bring to mind Bible verses like Psalm 62:5-8…

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Even when all else fails, God is still my hope.

Any words of advice or encouragement?

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