Tag Archives: purpose

Faithful with the small things

18 Apr

Just a few weeks ago, I was sitting in bed accusing God of being silent about my life and what He wanted from me. The verse that crumbled my anger that night was 1 Thessalonians 5:24, “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”

He is faithful indeed.

Since that night, when I realized I had been measuring my life by what I do for God rather than by what He has done for me, I have felt like every message, discussion, song, and verse has been tailored for me, meeting me right where I am and giving me the exact encouragement I need in that moment.

Like last week, our care group discussion was about how Christians can make a radical difference in very “un-radical” circumstances. How do we live so that others notice we are different than the world? Very interesting conversation indeed.

My study of Romans has shown me that God had a purpose for my life even before the foundation of the world.

The book I’m reading, You Matter More Than You Think: What Every Woman Needs to Know About the Difference She Makes by Dr. Leslie Parrott, has reinforced what I have been learning about what makes life significant and meaningful.

And then Greg’s message last Wednesday during chapel was about how to continuously improve, not just in our spiritual lives but in our everyday lives.

Since all of these sources have impacted the thoughts running around in my head lately, this post may seem a jumbled mess of ah-ha moments. I will try to communicate as logically as my brain thinks (that’s a joke…)

In the post following my aforementioned revelation, I typed out a conversation I had had with God that morning. As a person who is usually skeptical of anything super-spiritual like hearing God actually speak, I have wondered if those words were contrived out of my own mind or if it was really God. While it did sound like me talking to myself in my head, the answers were immediate and formed like a response to my question. So I have to assume that the Holy Spirit was at least involved.

Because I like the conversation so much, I’m going to cut and paste it again here:

“But God, I still want my life to matter,” I said.

“My child, it already matters. I was willing to send my only Son to die for you and your life,” God replied.

“But I still want to do big things for you.”

“I know, Kathy, I know you do. Just be patient. I’ll open the doors for you.”

“So what do I do in the meantime?”

“Live your life for me and for others.”

“What does that look like?”

“Draw close to me and you’ll see.”

That little line “Live your life for me and others” is the key to a meaningful life, I believe. I think back over all the things I’ve struggled with over the past year or so…being convicted that I don’t share my faith enough, being self-conscious and lonely living in a new state, feeling lazy and self-centered in my hobbies and free time, wanting to see a tangible way that I am making a difference. All are solved by living a life of love for God and for others.

In her book, Leslie Parrott writes, “One of the fundamental truths I’ve learned about making a difference on this planet is that the road less traveled is not actually found in Calcutta or on the mean streets with the down and out. The road less traveled is ultimately found in the heart. It’s found in the heart of every woman who wants her life to make a difference and realizes that the difference is found, quite simply, in love. You walk the road less traveled whenever and wherever you bring more grace, compassion, understanding, patience, and empathy. More love. Why? Because a life of love is rare” (22-23).

Women, by nature, are designed to be relational and nurturing. We are designed to be intimate, intuitive, and loving. We are detail-oriented so that we can notice changes in a friend’s mood, sense a child’s hurt spirit, or remember our husband’s favorite dessert. We are multi-taskers so that we can run households full of children, dirty laundry, piles of dishes, and meals to cook.

But women can also feel incredibly under-appreciated. Though my husband does a wonderful job of thanking me for cleaning and cooking, I still have those moments when he does something inconsiderate (in my eyes) without his being aware of it. I have discovered the truth in Leslie Parrott’s words, “A woman’s pain either makes her bitter or makes her better.” And how do we women use pain or suffering to make us better instead of bitter? Gratitude.

A few more phrases from Leslie’s book: “…The more gratitude I cultivate for the suffering I endure, the less tethered I am to its weight…Gratitude unlocks a loving heart…The more gratitude you cultivate, the more grace you have for others…Grace and humility are two key components of gratitude and essential ingredients of love.”

[Good stuff, no?]

So the way I bring the most glory to God is by loving the people in my life, the people I come in contact with every day. These principles about gratitude, grace, humility, and love are biblical: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 John 4:7 says, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.”

I would be tempted to think “Ok, so now I know that I should be loving people. But who? And how?”

That was the question answered by Greg on Wednesday. In essence, the part of his  message that was most poignant to me was this: “Make the most of now. Be faithful with your slice of the kingdom pie, which is what God has called you to do right now. You may not be called to whatever you’re doing for the rest of your life, but it’s what you’re called to do now. We miss out on God’s future vision for us because we don’t make the best of our current situation. Be faithful now and God will open up other doors down the road.”

Amen, brother. This puts into words what God has put on my soul for the past several months. And reassures me that I am where I am for a reason. Right now, I am living God’s purpose for me. God has given me today. He has asked me to be faithful with this day. To strive with every fiber of my being to live a life of love in order to bring glory and honor to the name of Jesus.

Greg also talked about pain, like Leslie Parrott does in her book. She writes, “Ultimately, the pain we carry in our hearts [or experience in our days] is the grinding stone that shapes us to love. It sharpens our capacity to be tender with another’s wounds and to empathize without judgment.” Greg said, “Pain is spiritual protein for us. It develops our spiritual muscles. So we should be grateful for every experience. If you are feeling frustrated at your job, slighted by someone, persecuted or mocked, the pain makes us stronger. Pain, it’s what’s for dinner.”

When I view struggles as contributing to my ability to love, then I can indeed be grateful for their presence in my life. And gratitude unlocks a loving heart.

I’ve already been able to put these realizations into action. Even though the non-profit ministry I work for is small (around 25 employees), there can be some tension between what we call the “sides” of the office (because we literally have 2 different offices that are across the hall from each other–admin/donors/events on one side, sales/marketing on the other side). After having some drama this past week between sides, I thought maybe Admin felt underappreciated, like the Mktg department always expects them to bend over backwards while jumping through hoops to do whatever we want done. So instead of getting angry and frustrated, or gossiping about how they’re not acting like Christians, I suggested our side throw their side an appreciation breakfast. Just so they know that we really couldn’t do what we do without them. My team liked the idea so Phil is going to bring it up to Debb and Jason (VP and Director of Sales). Hopefully it’ll work out…

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A Custom-Tailored Life

11 Apr

I’ve finally reached Romans 9 in my Bible study (going through all the epistles starting with Romans for however long it takes me). I love being able to focus on just a few verses at a time (instead of reading whole chapters at a time, like I did last year to read the whole Bible in a year). 

Today I read Romans 9:9-13, about the story of Jacob and Esau. The thing that really stuck out to me (probably because I can relate it to my own life) is that God determined the purposes of Jacob’s and Esau’s lives while they were still in the womb.  The text says “though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad–in order that God’s purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of his call…” God didn’t favor one child over the other because of who they were or what they had done…because they hadn’t done anything yet! Rather, God favored Jacob over Esau because of His purpose in election.

I’m not going to get in to the doctrine of election here because while I agree with it, I don’t have enough savvy explanations as to why.  (But a line in the song “All I Have is Christ” explains it well: “If you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still.”)

What I find reassuring about God’s election in these verses is that God has a plan for my life, and has had a plan since before I was born. Indeed, Ephesians 1 says that He chose me in Christ before the foundations of the world.

But He didn’t just choose me to have eternal life (though that is the main attraction). He also chose me to have a life on earth that glorifies Him. And rather than thinking there is a specific kind of life that glorifies Him (as I have been stuck in thinking for the past several months), He created me for a specific life (MY life) that will glorify Him.

Let me explain: Jacob and Esau were very different people. Esau was a man’s man. He hunted, fished, was big and tough and hairy, like his father, Isaac. Jacob was the complete opposite. He didn’t like to hunt; he stayed in the tents instead of roaming the fields. He wasn’t big or tough and he wasn’t hairy (Genesis 25-27).

Since God’s purposes for both Jacob and Esau were determined in the womb and Psalm 139 says “You knit me together in my mother’s womb,” it stands to reason that God designed Jacob and Esau in the womb specifically for their purposes in life. Jacob was a cunning man–he succeeded in stealing his brother’s birthright. Esau wasn’t there when Isaac bestowed the birthright because he was out hunting (that’s where my husband would be too :)).

The reassurance to me is that if Jacob and Esau were designed for the lives God intended them to lead, then so am I. Instead of feeling ill-equipped or unable to live the life God has called me to live, I should rest in the knowledge that God has designed me for my life. He custom-tailored my personality, skills, and interests to what He intended my life to look like. Or he custom-tailored my life to fit me (classic chicken or the egg dilemma).

However you want to look at it, what it all boils down to is that I am equipped to live the life God wants me to live. I am not incompetent, inadequate, or unqualified. God has qualified me, made me adequate, and bridged the gap of my incompetency, through the cross of Christ. Tim Keller says something in his sermon “Blessing Self-Forgetfulness” that I repeat to myself often: “The verdict is in.” Meaning I no longer have to prove myself, my value, my worth to anyone, including myself, and least of all, to God! Like Romans 8:33 says, “It is God who justifies.”

It is also God who equips you for the life He wants you to live, both in your innate personality and abilities, but also through the Spirit’s work in your heart and soul.

“Now many the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

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Can we give anything to Christ?

6 Apr

In light of my revelation the other day, I found this article by John Piper (you can find it here and I have pasted it below). He says it so much better than me, but these have been my realizations the other day and this morning while reading Romans 8:33-34.

Can we give anything to Christ?

When the psalmist cried out, “What shall I render to the Lord for all of his benefits to me?” the reply was, “I will lift the cup of salvation and call upon the name of the Lord” (Psalm 116:12-13). So, translating that into Christmas: Jesus gives us the gift of himself and we ask, “Now what can I render to Jesus for all the benefits of his fellowship?” Answer: Ask him for his help. That’s the gift he wants.

The reason Christ wants this is because he always wants to get the glory while we get the benefit. Glory comes to him when we depend on him rather than try to enrich him. If we come to him with gifts—as though he needed something—then we put him in the position of a needy person, and we’re the benefactors. He always wants to be the one who is infinitely self-sufficient. Therefore the only gifts that we can bring Jesus are gifts of praise, thanks, longing, and neediness.

A fountain is not glorified by us hauling buckets of dirty water up the mountain and pouring them in. A fountain—a spring in a mountain—is glorified, rather, by us lying down at the edge of the stream, putting our face in, drinking our fill, and getting up and saying, “Ah!” That’s called worship. Then we take a bucket, dip it in, walk down the hill to the people in the valley who don’t know that the spring exists, and we say, “Taste this! It’s right up there, and his name is Jesus!” The kind of gift that the fountain wants is drinkers, because then he looks truly overflowing, rich, and self-sufficient. And that’s exactly what he wants to look like.

______________

Hebrews 4:14-16 says, “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Together with Romans 8:33-34, this verse shows that our response to having the Father on our side and the Son interceding for us should be…asking for more grace and mercy! Not service, sacrifice, or payment but lifting up the cup of salvation and calling upon the name of the Lord.

In my quest to overcome my sins and failures, I have been striving for self-sufficiency. I thought I should be able to get to a point where I felt like I finally had it all together. I am realizing more and more that I will NEVER get to that point–and that itself is a mercy from God. For if I did get to that point, I would have no need for God. Like Piper writes in his article, “Glory comes to him when we depend on him rather than try to enrich him. If we come to him with gifts—as though he needed something—then we put him in the position of a needy person, and we’re the benefactors. He always wants to be the one who is infinitely self-sufficient. Therefore the only gifts that we can bring Jesus are gifts of praise, thanks, longing, and neediness.” I only have to bring Jesus praise, thanks, longing and neediness.

I can do that.

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Finally, a revelation.

2 Apr

As I sat in bed last night, propped up by 2 pillows, my ESV Bible and journal on my lap, my NIV study Bible and the dictionary within reach, I was discouraged, confused and desperate as usual. Reading Romans 8:26-27 about how the Holy Spirit helps us pray, I felt my usual cynicism and doubt. Why didn’t I see the evidence of that power in my life? Why didn’t I feel the strength and empowerment of the Spirit like the Bible said believers do? I just feel so…ordinary. Like I always have.

I silently asked God when He was going to answer my prayers and give me some answers. Was He ever going to? I was beginning to lose hope. This has been the state of my heart for so long that it’s hard to remember a time I didn’t feel this way.

I wanted specifics. But there are no specifics in the Bible. And I realized that the reason for that is because God doesn’t care (ultimately) about the specifics, the circumstances, the situations, locations, details. He cares about attitude, character, and relationship.

I thought of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24: “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.”

But what really caught my eye was the next passage:

“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”

When I read the last part of verse 24, I started to cry. God was telling me, “Kathy, I will give you a revelation, I will lead you in a Christ-like life, but it will be in My way and in My timing.”

“Ok, ok, ok,” was all I could say as the tears rolled down my face.

I kept looking for specifics, for tangible examples, for the one unique purpose for my life to be revealed. But here’s the thing: maybe there isn’t one. Maybe God intends for me to glorify Him through a normal, everyday life. Maybe it’s my reactions, actions and attitudes that are supposed to be the radical thing about me, instead of my lifestyle.

I realized that instead of defining my life by what Christ has done for me, I have been defining my life by what I can do for Him.

And what I can do for Him will always be flawed, imperfect, incomplete, subpar. I can’t even live up to my own standards through my own efforts, much less live up to His. 

This lie snuck into my mind without my knowledge because I didn’t think I could earn salvation through works. But I thought that it was up to me to live the Christian life out. I am now in charge of what happens. Sure, God has an overall plan but I’m the one who has to execute it.

Galatians 3:3 could have been written to me: “Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?”

I had a conversation with God about this this morning.

“But God, I still want my life to matter,” I said.

“My child, it already matters. I was willing to send my only Son to die for you and your life,” God replied.

“But I still want to do big things for you.”

“I know, Kathy, I know you do. Just be patient. I’ll open the doors for you.”

“So what do I do in the meantime?”

“Live your life for me and for others.”

“What does that look like?”

“Draw close to me and you’ll see.”

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.

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Fail.

1 Apr

Have you ever seen the funny pictures on icanhascheezburger or failblog.org that just have the one liner “Fail.”

Here’s one if you don’t know what I’m talking about:

A puppy chewed the book corner…the book’s title is The Art of Raising a Puppy.

Fail.

I think these things are hilarious.

Sometimes I feel like you could take a picture of me and put the same one-liner on it: Fail. Especially when it comes to the Christian life.

I realized yesterday as I was praying in the morning (or at least what was my half-hearted pathetic attempt at praying) that I am hung up on what I consider to be the qualifications or requirements of the Christian life.  I keep thinking that a “good Christian,” one that is relying upon God and desiring to be like Christ, one who is full of zeal and passion and energy, will do things like spending hours in the Word and prayer daily, volunteer in their community, serve at church, care for the elderly and sick, share the gospel with every person they come in contact with, exude joy and confidence in Christ 24/7, and always react out of self-control and gentleness. And since I’m not doing any of those, or at least not to the caliber I imagine this ideal Christian does, I am worthless. I am not living my life like a Christian. Instead, I am wasting my life.

This is how I feel.

So you can imagine that I feel like one big FAIL. The picture of me could show a glimpse of the Bible, with the values and ideals that I claim to be my own, and then show what my real behavior is like: instead of being selfless and humble, I am selfish and proud. Instead of being gentle and kind, I am agressive and inconsiderate. Instead of living in the truth of God’s love, I look to the world for the definition of my self-worth…and the basis of my self-loathing.

I also realized yesterday that I have a hard time dealing with failure. In that I don’t deal with it. Instead, I shut down, go on autopilot, with a constant cry of self-pity and desperation in my heart. I get overwhelmed at what a failure I am. Instead of feeling like I am just failing in one area of my life and that I can work on it with the Spirit’s help, I feel like my entire life is one big FAIL and I am collapsing under its weight.

Grace would seem to be the answer. God doesn’t require perfection from us, because He knows we are incapable of it. But here’s the other thing that hangs me up: grace leaves me with my life as it is. If I accept that I am a failure and God loves me anyway because of grace, if I accept that I don’t “have to” do anything to earn His favor, doesn’t that mean that I accept my life as it is?

But then, if I am discontent with my life because I think it doesn’t meet God’s standards, and yet He tells me that there no longer are standards because I am clothed in Christs’ righteousness, what happens to the basis of my discontent? Is it not based on lies? Is it not based on self-imposed rules and obligations? Am I not drowning in a sea of my own making?

I am waiting for God to save me from myself, waiting for Him to sweep down and set me on the solid rock of the life I want to have. But instead, I feel like I’m at the bottom of a well, able to see the light of day but having absolutely no ability to get to it. God must lower the bucket for me to climb out.

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Give me a revelation!

28 Mar

For the past year or so, I’ve really been struggling through what the point to life is, especially my life. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? No matter how long I think about or who I talk to or how much I read the Bible and pray about it, I can’t escape the feeling that I’m supposed to be doing more with my life.

For the past week (though it’s by no means an isolated incident), this feeling has completely overwhelmed me. I feel depressed and lethargic. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like myself. The only way I can really describe it is that I want to escape from my life. I want my life to be different but have no idea what different is. I want to do more but don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

Some people have said “Just do something. It doesn’t matter what it is.” I also came to that conclusion once upon a time (you may even be able to find a blog post of mine echoing that same sentiment). But I have come back around to the conviction that it’s just not that easy. See, I don’t want to just be “doing things.” I want to be doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for me and no matter how much I beg and plead for Him to give me insight and guidance, He is disturbingly silent on the whole issue. I am so entirely confused and clueless about my life and yet my hands are tied because God holds all the answers.

When I first heard Third Day’s new song, Revelation, I felt like it was the cry of my soul. I feel like shouting these words at God. This is my heart! I’m admitting that I need You and can’t do anything without You! Do You not hear me? Why are you leaving me all alone to figure this great mystery out all by myself? The Christian life is supposed to be about joy (or so I’ve heard). Then why do I find myself in the pits of despair? And why do I feel abandoned by God?

I know the “correct” answers: God hasn’t abandoned me and never will. The Christian life involves immense sorrow as well as joy. God is sanctifying me and giving me answers in His own perfect timing and sovereign way.

I cling to the truth of those words, despite the seeming contradiction of my current experience.

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone

This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation…

I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

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Waiting upon God

4 Mar

Tired but happy. That’s how I would describe my mood today. Since going to Columbus last Thursday for the National Youth Ministry Conference, I have felt like myself again. Happy. Positive. Social. Energetic. Alive. I had been in a funk for so long that I actually forgot I was in a funk.

It’s good to be out.

But now I’m battling a cold. Boo. I like to think that because I take care of myself through eating healthy and exercising regularly, I’m somehow above getting sick. My sore throat and achy body remind me that I’m not.

The conference was great though. I felt very blessed by the opportunity to go. It was great getting to bond with my co-workers (and bosses!) outside of work. My roomie was Debb, the Exec VP of Ministry Advancement (a.k.a. my boss’ boss). She’s the head of our side of the ministry. She’s great–very business savvy and driven but also very down-to-earth, friendly, and open about her life. That’s one of the things that I really love about being a Christian–there’s this authenticity regardless of your status or rank that you just don’t find anywhere else–because we know that we are all sinners in need of a Savior.

So here’s a tiny recap of what we did at the conference (I’ll try not to bore you with details): Thursday, we flew into Columbus and set up the booth. Friday, the conference started. I had 2 shifts in the booth (meet and greet kind of thing) for a total of 4.5 hours (but I also worked on marketing copy when not in the booth). Saturday, we had two 2-hour track sessions. I helped set up our room and the tables with all of our handouts, centerpieces, decorations, etc. Sunday, same thing. Two 2-hour track sessions. Monday, Super Session (90-minute condensed version of the previous 4 sessions), booth teardown, and repalletizing. Flew back to Denver (and I got to have lunch with Rick Lawrence, the editor of Group Magazine!! How cool is that?!?! I feel like the nerdy kid who gets to meet all these cool, important people as I tag along with Greg Stier and Debb).

During the mornings and afternoons of the conference, the sessions took up pretty much all of my time so the only general sessions I was able to go to were the evening ones (that ran from 7:00-9:15). I got to see the band Braddigan (Brad Corrigan was the lead singer of Dispatch!) and Derek Webb in concert, as well as hear Doug Fields and Alex and Brett Harris speak. I also got a bunch of freebies, which is always fun. 🙂 I went to one late night session (from 9:30-11:30 so it got pretty late after a long day!), a documentary that Braddigan made about a concert they played for a garbage dump community in Nicaragua. It was very moving and sad. It made me realize that it is only by God’s grace and providence that I was born into a middle class family in the United States. I could’ve just as easily been born in a garbage dump in Nicaragua. It has renewed my conviction that I need to do something with my privilege, instead of just living for myself. More on that some other day. 🙂

For the time being, work is pretty busy, which is great. During one of our many chats, Debb told me something that has convicted me and clarified a lot of my career struggles. She said that if I concentrate on what she called my current “circle of influence” (the areas that I have influence and impact on now) and seek to do my current job with excellence, more opportunities will be given to me. I can’t concentrate only on what I want to be doing (while slacking on what’s right in front of me), because opportunities aren’t given to people who don’t prove themselves. I have to work myself into where I want to be. Jesus said Matthew 25:21, “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.”  

That is convicting because I  have been guilty of half-hearted work at my current job. I haven’t sought to do the job with excellence. I have done the status quo. There has been a nagging thought in the back of my mind (no doubt from the Holy Spirit) that I am not glorifying the Lord with lukewarm efforts. I have tried to motivate myself to be more enthusiastic, to no avail. But something changed over the weekend: I realized that Debb believes in me and wants me to advance beyond where I am right now. It’s amazing what a difference that makes, to have someone championing you and wanting you to succeed and be the best you can be. It makes me want to be the best I can be. It makes me realize that I do have potential and I just need to apply it.

What Debb said is also clarifying because as she is older and wiser than me, and has gone through a lot of the struggles I’m going through right now, she can speak truth and wisdom into them. She reminded me that I am not in charge of where my life goes. I don’t need to (and can’t) direct it, plan it out, chart in a graph. God does that. I just have to be faithful with where I am right now. There is an Elisabeth Elliot quote that I used to reference constantly when Travis and I were dating:

I wait dear Lord. Thy ways are past finding out. Thy love too high. O hold me still beneath Thy shadow. It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance. I wait – because I am commanded so to do. My mind is filled with wonderings. My soul asks “Why?” But then a quiet word, “Wait thou only upon God.” And so not even for the light to show a step ahead, but for Thee, dear Lord, I wait.

What an amazing woman of God! Her testimony provided immeasurable assurance to me in the midst of the greatest spiritual struggle I’ve had. And those words of wisdom still apply here, to what is, deep down, the same struggle in a different disguise. Then, I wanted to know if Travis and I would get married. Now, I want to know what God’s will and plan for my life is.

It’s easy for me to put a certain spin on my sin so that it doesn’t look like sin, per se, but more like just a character flaw. For example, with my body image, instead of outrightly saying, “God, I don’t like the body you’ve given me,” I put a spin on it and say “Well, I’m not content with my body because I’m not vigilant enough with diet and exercise.” Another example, Travis struggles with feeling jealous of other couples who have bought bigger, nicer houses than we did. Instead of outrightly saying, “God, the house You provided us isn’t good enough for me,” he spins it and says “Well, maybe we should have looked at foreclosures more. Maybe I made a poor real estate deal.” By putting the blame on ourselves, we can “get away with” being discontent in and with God (only in the sense that we don’t immediately recognize it as being discontent with God).

In the same way, I’ve put a spin on my struggle with life direction and career, etc. I’ve told myself, “Well, I’m the one who has to act. God can’t make my life be what He wants it to be if I’m being lazy and self-interested all the time.” Those excuses have been covering up my unbelief in God’s plan. Unbelief in His ability and willingness to guide my life. I pray for God to reveal His will for my life, all the while expecting for His will to look completely different than my life looks right now. Why? I haven’t consciously subverted God’s will. I’m not living in sin. Why would God’s will be different than my life right now? Whether I believe it or not, God is leading me.

I’ve also put this spin on my struggles with marriage. Instead of waiting upon God and turning to Him for help, I told myself, “Well, it’s my own sin that is causing these situations. How can I approach God for help with this when it’s all my fault in the first place?!?”

I realized over the weekend that I have been silently accusing God of not helping me–mostly in my marriage, but all areas of my life have been affected. I have been spinning my wheels, so to speak, in trying to better my marriage, my job, myself–for so long that I thought God and His Spirit had abandoned me to my own devices. If my marriage was going to improve or I was going to figure out my life, I was going to have to do it myself. Kay Warren wrote in her book, Dangerous Surrender, that Saddleback had been waiting for a church building of their own for 13 years. After many setbacks and hurdles, there was yet another. “Certainly we believed…in God’s timing…but eventually it got so old.” Certainly I believe in God’s power to sanctify and guide me…but being stuck and in the dark has gotten so old.

That’s where Elisabeth Elliot’s quote comes into play. I ask “Why?” and God says “Wait thou only upon God.” Don’t wait upon an answer, a breakthrough, a promotion, a better body, a better self–wait thou only upon God.

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Torn.

28 Jan

Yesterday after work, while I was making some scrambled eggs and toast for dinner (my go-to when I do NOT feel like cooking dinner), Travis innocently asked me if I had looked for jobs at all.

I shot him a dirty look and said “No, I haven’t.” I then elaborated, “I don’t need a new job because things at work are picking up and I have stuff to do. Last week wasn’t bad.” 

“Well, all I know is that you flip-flop between liking your job and thinking you should look for a new job. You go back and forth. And looking for a new job doesn’t mean you’ll actually take one. Looking doesn’t hurt anything.”

I was frustrated. Though they are unfounded and over-the-top, thoughts like these were going through my head: 

“How dare he suggest that I should get a new job?”

“Why does it matter if I look for a new one?”

“The kind of job I want [journalist] isn’t a great field to be going into right now anyway.”

“I just need to see my current job through. Things are looking up. I have great opportunities there.”

And it’s true. Talking to my boss, I think that I have real opportunities here. He’s talked about me getting to write more for product and marketing pieces. He’s talked about me getting more involved in the creative design and strategy.

But right now, that’s all it is. Talk. None of these promised responsibilities have appeared and as a result, my motivation and interest in what I’m doing here has dropped below zero. I am a person who thrives on being challenged, on balancing a schedule, on being just a bit too busy. I can’t handle idleness…when I’m idle, even getting up to go to the bathroom seems like too much work. The more idle I am, the lazier I get. Not good.

So today, when I was just at the point of either going home sick or stuffing my face with the delicious dinner rolls sitting in the kitchen, I went outside. I walked around our building and across the street to the gas station for some gum (my new fave: Mint Mojito by Orbit). I walked back, the long way around, pondering.

Maybe I should look for another job. I’m obviously not operating out of my strengths right now. Let’s be honest, I’m not really operating anything right now. Sometimes I feel like I should wait it out, that the changes are still being made and plans are being finalized–maybe things will get better. Other times, though, I feel like I can’t take another day of this. Writing marketing copy is ok…but it isn’t my passion. It isn’t something that makes me say “I was born to do this.” And D2S isn’t known for its quick changes. Simple decisions have been known to take days, weeks…sometimes even months.

For the first time, I realize that I should be praying about what God wants me to do. I have been making this all about me, even in a way that appears religious. I thought, “I don’t want my reason for quitting to be that I’m not trusting the Lord.” But in the same way, I don’t want to stay because I’m not trusting the Lord. Whether I stay or go, it should be from faith. Faith that the Lord has a plan for my life and that nothing I do can thwart it. Faith that God has created me for a specific purpose and that He desires for me to use my gifts for His glory and the encouragement of His people.

Too often I confuse meditation with prayer. I think about things and consult the Bible, but I don’t consult God Himself. Despite my desire that my decisions honor God and show His significance in my life, I so often act independently and according to my own judgment and wisdom. No wonder I feel lost! So instead of immediately starting to browse job listings, I will fall on my knees before the Father and ask for Him to guide me, through the Holy Spirit, to where He wants me to be. 

And if He wants me to be right where I am, Amen.

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Clarity and Hope

17 Jan

I’ve been wanting to blog for the past couple of days but I’ve been [shocker] busy at work and [bigger shocker] busy outside of work this week. So here I am on a nice little Saturday, taking time to read the Bible, pray, and blog.

[Side note/Update: My resolutions for this year are going well. I did create a little reward system for meeting my goals each week and so far, I’ve been doing really well. The hardest thing has been to exercise 6 days a week (my body isn’t used to it) but other than that, I have been consistent in getting in the Word and praying daily as well as memorizing one verse a week. We won’t talk about eating… 🙂 I’m not expecting complete consistency there.]

Saturdays are my favorite day of the week. That’s why I would love to be a writer by vocation: every day could be a Saturday (except Sunday because I’d still have to go to church in the morning). But I love being able to get up early (today I got up at 7:30…I’ve been trying to get up relatively close to when I get up for work so that I don’t mess up my sleep cycle on the weekends) and eat breakfast, read the Bible, pray…just be very relaxed. It reminds me a lot of college. Every day was like this…I loved it back then too.

Anywho…can you tell I’m more upbeat today than I have been in some of my recent posts? (I was being a total Debbie Downer…but I was also being honest.) The reason for my mood/outlook change is that God has been faithful in giving me insight into the past few months.

I was living in my failures and sinfulness. Even though I “knew” I was forgiven, I was still carrying them around as my personal burden. Especially in my marriage. I saw my sin affecting Travis and I was terrified that I was going to ruin our marriage, drive him away–that’d we’d wake up one day in 15 years and realize we no longer knew each other at all…and that we’d be able to trace it back to something I did or said that set the ball in motion.

I was also hating myself. For sinning again and again. For (from my perspective) never learning or advancing. For being a coward and a hypocrite.

But this past week, I remembered that there are many stories in the Bible that depict God using sin or using people in spite of their sin to accomplish His purposes. That means I can’t thwart God’s will or purposes by my sin. That means He can make our marriage thrive even despite my constant threats to kill it. I was making my sin and failures all about me…when nothing is all about me. It’s all about Him. And HE is so much BIGGER than my sin. Who am I to think that my failures will deter Him from His will?

I also realized that I have been holding myself back from God. I felt like a failure and a pathetic sinner who would never learn. When reminded of God’s love,  a tiny voice inside me said, “Yeah but, I’m still doing X and struggling with Y. God’s love is great but first I want to stop doing all these things that I hate.” Silly girl, it’s God’s love that enables you stop doing all those things you hate.

BarlowGirl’s song “I Need You to Love Me” sums up my realizations well:

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.
Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.

My favorite line of that song is “Cause you’re a God who has all things, and still you want me.” Me, a sinner. Me, a girl trapped in self-pity. Me, an unremarkable person. You want me. You want me. You want me. How powerful each of those 3 little words is.

I have also been reading “God Has a Dream for Your Life” by Sheila Walsh. It’s a good book. Very easy reading. There are 2 passages that stand out to me regarding the whole questioning-life-and-purpose thing I’ve been going through for the past 6 months or so.

On discovering who I am and what God’s will for me is:

“So what are we to make of this God-given promise that if we delight ourselves in him, he will give us the desires of our heart? I love what C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity: ‘Your real self will not come as long as we are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him.’

“My own journey has taken me away from trying so hard to find the will of God for my life. It has taken me to the place of brokenness and letting go of everything I thought I needed. I found peace and purpose as I lay exhausted at the feet of the Lion of Judah. It took me many years to understand that God wanted my heart, not my schedule.”

God wants my heart, not my fine-tuned plans for aiding His kingdom. He wants me to be who I really am in Christ, not try to be someone I’m not.

On my desire to write but feeling it’s prideful to want to do so:

“Don’t turn your light down just because it seems to burn brighter than the one who stands beside you. Let it shine and hold it high. The liberating truth is that none of this is about you anyway–it is all about God. If God has given you a voice to sing, then sing out for him. If God has given you the gift of mercy, then pour out that mercy in Jesus’ name whether anyone gets it or not. If God has given you a heart to serve, then serve with your whole heart even if no one stops to say thank you. If God has given you the ability to teach, then teach with vision and passion.

“Whatever God has placed in you, use it.”

I’m planning on starting my weekly writing retreats (to Panera, Starbuck’s, or a cute local coffee shop if I find one) this week on Tuesday. I have a lot of books on writing to read, old journals to review, and a long way to go. But it’s my dream and I’m going to pursue until God slams the door in my face. At least I’ll know that I have been faithful in using the gifts God has given me.

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Dreaming

6 Dec

I got an email yesterday from one of my best friends in Minnesota. She wrote about how she was scared to date anyone because she had gotten her heart broken in the fall by a boy. She had spent a lot of time with him and thought he liked her but turned out, he didn’t. (When will boys understand that spending a lot of time with one girl who is “just a friend” is a no-no?!?!?)

Her email reminded me a lot of what I had to work through while dating Travis: learning to trust again.

After reading that email from my friend, I felt a renewed desire to write my memoir. I have suppressed this desire since I graduated from college. For my senior thesis, I wrote a prospectus, which is a fancy name for book proposal. I submitted it to about 5 specialized publishing houses. All came back saying “Sorry, no dice.” I put it on the back burner while I went to another Beach Project, got a real job, got engaged and then married, and then moved to Colorado.

But the dream has not disappeared. There is nothing I’d like to do more than be an author. To have books published. To tell other young women my story and share what God has taught me through the hardships I’ve gone through. They are not extraordinary hardships; they’re common ones. And that’s why I think my story would be so relevant and useful to other women.

I’ve hesitated to proactively go after this dream for a number of reasons. 

1. Every time I tell someone about wanting to write my memoir, I feel like so narcisstic. I ask myself, “Why is my story worth telling over someone else’s?” 

2. I’m scared that my dream won’t come true. I’ll put all this energy into writing and developing my manuscript, only to have it sit on a shelf somewhere, unread. I also wonder if this dream is just a selfish ambition or if it could really be in God’s will for me.

3. I’m working full-time and use that as an excuse to not devote time to writing. ‘I would have to quit work and only write for it to work,’ I think. But then what if #2 happens?

As I was doing my hair today, I was again wondering about what I should be doing with my life. Mentoring? Teaching? Volunteering? And I finally put 2 + 2 together: Writing is my passion. And writing is my gift. I should be using it.

1 Peter 4:11 says: “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace…in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.”

I should be using my gift of writing to serve the body of Christ and to glorify God. So I am daring to dream big and start writing, in faith that God will use it for His glory and purposes, whatever that looks like. Travis is starting grad school in January (God willing) so my plan is to write while he is going to class and doing homework. I will submit my manuscript and if no one agrees to publish it, I will look in to self-publishing. I am going to go for it…we’ll see what happens.

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