Tag Archives: work

Happiness is from God.

18 Oct

Yesterday, I would have had reason for being frustrated. Travis’ mom, dad and brother are out here for elk hunting and I, for the 3rd year in a row, have to miss the majority of their stay because of work. This year, I had to leave on Sunday morning in order to leave for Vegas – we’re putting on our last race of the season, Pumpkinman, this coming Saturday. I am SO ready for this season to be over and to have some time to relax and not feel the temptation to be stressed out.

But yesterday, as we were driving through the mountains on I-70, I couldn’t help but feel joy at the beauty and freshness of the fall day. Granted, it’s still in the 60s, even in the mountains, but it’s about as near fall as Colorado gets at this time of year.

As I felt that joy, that lightness of spirit, that hope in the future and rest in the present, I realized that I had not had that feeling in a VERY long time. And it dawned on me: joy is from the Lord. I do not have joy in this life, I do not have rest, peace, or hope, without Jesus working it in me. I can finally thank the Lord for all the trials and dark nights I have gone through in the past year because I see now that I do not have hope or joy in this life if it isn’t in the Lord.

A similar thing happened to me in my marriage. During our first year, I grew very bitter toward Travis due to a long stretch of misunderstandings and different affection styles. I was often dismayed and broken over my lack of love for Travis. What I had though would be an exciting time of life was really just… HARD. And while I remained committed to Travis and our marriage, I didn’t feel love for him.

Thanks to God and His work in my life, that has changed immensely. I am more in love with Travis now than I was when we got married and I now recognize that the love I feel for him is totally a gift from God. I do not have love in my heart naturally, not in the face of trials, struggles, frustrations and annoyances. Like in the song, Jesus My Only Hope: “Though I am dry and barren, By grace this love springs forth.” But it took me going through that period of dryness, of lovelessness, to recognize that my love for my husband is totally from God.

It’s good for God to redirect my focus like this – from looking into my own heart and wondering why it’s so barren, from looking at my circumstances and wondering why they don’t make me feel blessed, from looking at others who seem so happy and wondering why I can’t be more like them – to HIM. God is my joy. God is my meaning and reason for living. God is my strength. God is my help. God is my planner. God is my life.

I can finally notice the changing colors on the trees and bask in the sunshine and crisp fall air while finding joy in the little things of life because I am trusting God with the bigger things. Like my friend Katie Stromwall said, “He gets glory through our trust.” If I am truly desiring to glorify God with my life, I will trust Him.

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Contentment in ALL circumstances

30 Sep

Sometimes it’s easy for me to read a Bible verse and think of it in only one context. For example, Paul’s famous declaration in Philippians 4 that he has learned in whatever situation he is to be content – because “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Paul is talking about financial provision and material possession here, so I usually think about it in that context. But Paul says whatever situation – all circumstances. That applies to more than financial and material wealth.

As I’ve been seeing my idols and selfishness over the past couple of weeks, I’ve realized that being content in my circumstances would really eradicate a lot of those sins. Take, for example, my sinful need to do what I want to do with my time. If I were content with whatever the Lord allowed in my day, I wouldn’t get frustrated when things didn’t go my way (like I did on Tuesday when I didn’t have access to the internet).

Or take my preoccupation with body image. If I were content with the body I have, I would be able to appreciate my unique beauty and let go of my jealousy of other women. Jealousy is just thinking that other women have something I don’t but something I want to have – in a word, discontentment. If I were content with how I look, I wouldn’t feel the need to count calories, exercise for the purpose of losing weight, constantly critique myself, or compare myself with other women.

And thinking about my life in general – in this season of life, Travis and I are one of the very few young, married couples without kids that we know – anywhere. It can be tempting to be discontent, to think that I’m missing out on experiencing motherhood with all my friends, that being a mother would be more fulfilling than my “career” (if you can call it that).

All of these struggles go back to one thing: thinking that God is holding out on me, that He isn’t giving me what I need to be happy. If I could only have some relaxation time, then I’d be happy. If I could only watch my favorite show, I’d have a good day. If I could only have a flat stomach. If I could only have cute clothes in the latest styles. If I could only feel completely fulfilled with my life. If I could only stop struggling, analyzing, and worrying and just accept things.

My thinking that God is holding out on me is a result of not understanding that these aren’t haphazard details. My life isn’t this way just because it is this way. My life is this way because God planned it this way. He has a reason for everything. He created me to look specifically the way I do. I can try to fight my biology all I want but I will never be truly happy until I accept reality.

Same for when my day doesn’t go the way I want it to. I can either accept the unplanned circumstances, or I can let them make me angry, frustrated and just downright unpleasant to be around. It’s my choice. Am I going to, by faith and the power of the Holy Spirit, choose God’s way or, by flesh and human irrationality, choose my own way? Am I going to choose to be content whatever the situation because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me? Or I am going to wear myself out trying to change the circumstances of my life, which I have no control over?

It took me a while to realize, and accept, that I don’t have control over my circumstances – it’s a very anti-American way of thinking. Manifest Destiny. The American Dream. They all come from the belief that we can do whatever we want with our lives, make ourselves who we want to be. That’s a lie. As the economic crisis is proving, we don’t have control. As the millions of people dying from cancer, disease, and starvation are proving, we don’t have control. We are at the mercy of forces outside of our control. Having control over your life is a mirage.

But we have a God who is in control. And for those who believe in Jesus Christ, we have a God who is on our side. Who fights for us. Who works all things together for our good. Who blesses us abundantly. That is why we can be content whatever our circumstance, why we can find peace in having no control, why we can stop trying to do life on our own.

I can be content in being thin or fat, in being successful or failing, in being childless or a mother, in working or resting, in contributing or withholding, in being stylish or frumpy, in struggling or understanding, in being fulfilled or disappointed. Because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Contentment is not just a reluctant resignation to life as we know it. It’s faith in a sovereign, omniscient, loving God – that this current situation is from Him, controlled by Him, and that He’ll use it for our good. So I am praying for the grace to recognize when my unbelief in the gospel is making me discontent, to repent from it, and to turn to God, finding contentment in His love for me, His sovereign hand working for me, and His presence in my life. Truly He is the only place to be truly content.

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Some much-needed relaxation

28 Sep

I am currently sitting in my room at The Dana of Mission Bay in not-so-sunny-right-now San Diego. Travis is taking a class down here for work and invited me to come along. Stay in California for a week FREE? Heck yeah!

But I’m not doing much to take advantage of my beautiful surroundings today – I ate breakfast with Travis and then spent the morning in bed watching TV. I kept thinking that I should get up and do something but I am utterly exhausted. We had another race this past weekend and working 26 hours in 2 days out in the sun definitely takes a toll. It takes me at least a day of being a bum to feel human again, especially when I don’t have any coffee!! I don’t have a car and our hotel is about a mile from anything – walkable but Travis is concerned about me going anywhere on my own. And actually, I would be totally fine with just bumming around the hotel but my internet connection barely works so I can’t work, can’t watch movies, can’t blog (I’m doing this on my phone, which works but isn’t ideal.) I don’t even have any sunscreen so I can’t lay out much either. Tomorrow I’m going to see if I can drive Travis to his class and then take the car to a coffee shop with free wifi. Then I might go to a book store or shopping.

The ironic part about this is that I always dream about days like this – just getting to lay around, reading, blogging, getting in the word. All the time in the world. But my feeling of guilt over not being productive or making the most of my day makes me realize that I have made productivity an idol. I mean, in reality, I am not being lazy – I am recovering from being legitimately worn out. And its only one day! In fact, I only laid in bed for 4 hours – not even a quarter of a day!

But even so, I find that the way I feel about myself is effected when I feel lazy. I don’t feel as valuable or as lovable. And that means my identity is wrapped up in how much I get done in any particular day, not in Christ alone.

It’s amazing to me how fast my flesh runs to things of this world to justify my existence. It’s not enough that the God of the universe loves me eternally – I need to prove how much I’m worth by being thin, well-dressed, smart, and having everything under control. I need to accomplish things, to do stuff showing I am not just taking up space here. But like any idol, my idol of busyness robs me of my joy and my need for rest. Jesus offers me rest, not more work. Not only that, He devoted an entire day to resting, because He knows we need it. He even rested from His own work after creating the world! So rest is a good thing. And I’m thankful because I really need some! And now its off to time in the word, some reading, and a nap.

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Loving God, Hating Money

21 Sep

I hate money.

I hate earning it, I hate saving it, I hate talking about it, I hate worrying about it.

I guess I do like to spend it.

But that’s not the point.

Travis and I just got into a fight over money. Even though this is supposedly the thing that married couples fight over the most often, Travis and I rarely fight over money. Mostly because I would rather just not think about it. Ignorance is bliss, if you ask me. It works out well for us because Travis is good with money. I am not. I was the girl who overdrafted frequently because I avoided balancing my checkbook like the plague – not because I can’t do math but because even just that simple act caused me anxiety.

So when Travis wants to buy a new gun or fishing gear or a tool, all I ask is if we can afford it. If he says yes, then I say go for it. When I want to go shopping for a new shirt or running apparel, I ask Travis if I can and if so, how much I can spend. When Travis thinks we should refinance our mortgage or open up Roth IRAs, I say “Great! Where do I sign?” This process works for us.

But my new job has caused unexpected animosity between us in regards to money. First, it was because I accepted the job despite the fact I would be getting paid less than what was initially promised. Since I don’t really care about money, I didn’t think it was a big deal. Travis disagreed.

Then, it was because I needed to get a new desk, wanted to redo the office, and had to buy office supplies – out of my own pocket. Reluctantly, Travis gave me a budget and I stayed within it (for the first time ever!)

We’ve fought over me needing a new printer and a shelf in the garage, me driving our own car up to Boulder instead of the company car, me getting paid a pathetic $15 per diem for when I’m traveling.

Tonight, the fight was about me going over our minutes on our cell phone plan (out of our 1,400 shared minutes, Travis used 130 and I used the rest, plus an additional $75 worth) and my working from home necessitating us having internet (since both of us have smart phones, we don’t really need internet at home). Both of these are things that my company should be pay for because they are things I need to do my job. But they don’t. I have asked them about getting more money for my phone (I currently get $30/month) but they refused, saying it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.

Travis’ reaction to all this is frustration at the owners of the company I work for. He feels (rightfully so) that they should be paying for this stuff and since they refuse, he gets angry. And when he’s riled up enough, he comes to me and tells me things need to change.

My reaction? Anger, right back. “What are my options?” I scream/ask. “I need these things to do my job. If they refuse to pay for these things, I have two options: I can put up with it or I can quit. Do you want me to quit?”

If you’ve followed my blog for any of the past few weeks, you know that this is not the first time or reason why I have contemplated quitting my job. And when my job causes this kind of friction and frustration between me and Travis, I can’t help but think “WHY do I have this job again?”

When Travis is upset about money in regards to my job, I can’t help but feel like the bad guy because if it weren’t for me, the one with the job, we wouldn’t be having these problems. And that makes me hate money even more – when I should really be hating Satan because I know these fights are exactly what he wants. Satan wants this to drive us apart. Satan wants this to take our eyes off God and wonder why He allows this kind of injustice to happen to us. Satan wants me to doubt God’s leading me into this job and wonder if maybe I made a mistake leaving Dare 2 Share and should look for a new job. Most of all, Satan wants to destroy our faith.

There are practical steps to be taken with this situation – I have already emailed my boss D about getting the company Vonage phone for my use, since she doesn’t use it and I really could. I downloaded an app to my phone that will allow me to tether it to my computer, turning my phone into its own hot spot, in the hopes that we will be able to cancel our internet service and save that $40 a month.

But the biggest step to take is faith. It’s running to the Father in prayer, asking for His wisdom to guide us, for His provision in our lives, and for His mighty hand to work this situation out for our good, as trite as it may seem in contrast to the big picture. So I will run, I will ask, and I will rest.

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Rescued

10 Sep

I drove up to Boulder today, a nice little 30-minute jaunt from my house. I usually use that kind of prolonged time in the car to think out loud about issues I’m dealing with (which also helps me to not fall asleep).

Today, I was thinking about something the pastor said in the sermon on Ecclesiastes I was listening to this morning during my run. He said that God wants us to have pleasure – He wired us that way. Since I attended John Piper’s church for over 2 years, I had heard this before. But I heard it with fresh ears today because I realized – I don’t believe that.

For a while now, I’ve been questioning the point of doing stuff that I would consider “fluff” – things that are done purely because they are fun and enjoyable. Work, hygiene, chores, bills – these are not fluff because they must be done. Going to the movies, painting your nails, shopping, cooking new dishes, making crafts – these are fluff. They are done purely for enjoyment. I have not been able to enjoy these things like I used to because I have felt like Solomon – all is vanity, a chasing after the wind. At the end of the day, what do I have to show for these things? Nothing of significance.

And that’s just my problem. I had been questioning the value and merit of anything that didn’t contribute directly to the bottom line of Christianity (knowing God and making Him known). Praying, worship, reading the Bible, evangelizing, volunteering, serving the needy, working, maintaining a household – these are things that have either a tangible outcome or a direct impact on our eternity with God. But gardening? Running? Decorating? Shopping? Haircoloring? Trips to the zoo? Things like these are done for pleasure. What is the point of them?

Then I asked myself, why do I feel like I can’t engage in things that don’t contribute to the “bottom line”? I didn’t use to feel this way about everyday things so what changed? Guilt. I feel guilty when I do those things because I feel like I’m wasting time. And I feel like I’m wasting time with tedious, trivial little crap because I should be out there doing better, more productive things with my life. I should be doing more.

And there it is. The elephant in the corner. “I should be doing more.” I’m reading the book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World right now and I tell you, the book couldn’t be more relevant to where I am in life right now. I just read this section:

“…While there are many things that need to be done, things I’m capable of doing and want to do, I am not always the one to do them. Even if I have a burden for a certain need or project, my interest or concern is not a surefire sign that I need to be in charge… Service was never supposed to be our first priority. Work is not our first order of business – even working for the Lord. In fact, our own efforts are so far down the line when it comes to what God wants that they didn’t even register in Jesus’ conversation with Martha… Only one thing is needed – intimacy with God.”

I have been so focused on doing more for God that I have taken my eyes off Him. I have focused more on my own contribution to His kingdom than on the price He paid on my behalf. And the ironic part is that the more I focus on being externally selfless by donating my time and money, the less I see how I selfish I really am on the inside. I was just confronted yesterday with a list of all the self-centered things I have done in the past 4-5 days. It was a reality check. I have been living in Kathy’s World. Everything is about me. And dwelling on my problems and cares just magnifies my already natural, sinful tendency of making everything all about me. I have been so busy thinking about me that I didn’t even realize I was only thinking about me. Imagine.

So to bring this full circle, I see that my cynicism about life has come from an incorrect belief that the only thing that matters and is worthy of my time is service to God and things that contribute to the bottom line of my Christian walk, like prayer and time in the Word. That incorrect belief stems from a feeling of guilt caused by the notion that I should be doing more with my life because surely (I thought) that is what God expects and desires.

But I have left out the idea of God wanting me to experience pleasure, to have fellowship with Himself and to become more like Christ on the inside. God wants me to know Him, to enjoy Him, to enjoy life. Living a selfless life grows out of a deep, intimate relationship with the Father – it doesn’t come from some divine ability to be the Incredible Christian Superwoman. Instead of trying to live an externally selfless life filled with service, I should focus on becoming less selfish on the inside through spending time with Jesus.

As for those things that I consider “fluff,” God created me and everyone else to have certain interests and hobbies – which are good things! He does not expect to sacrifice all things we enjoy for the sake of serving His kingdom. God is not all work and no play! He created these things for us to enjoy them (1 Timothy 4:4-5). It is good that God gave me a passion for endurance sports and reading and an interest in cooking, health and nutrition, and wine. I can enjoy these things by thanking God for them, by seeking to know God more through them, and by using them in a way that glorifies and magnifies who God is.

God has also given us all unique personalities and dispositions. He created me with a need for downtime and relaxation in order to maintain my sanity. I cannot go, go, go. And because of that, I know that I cannot take on any more than I already have on my plate because the only result would be me having a nervous breakdown. And that doesn’t serve anyone.

So instead of focusing on everything I’m not doing (and feeling incredibly guilty), I see that I need to focus on being faithful and the best I personally can be with the roles that God has called me to fill at this stage in my life (in order of importance): 1) a follower of Christ, 2) a wife, 3) an employee, 4) a church member, 5) a friend, 6) a volunteer. I don’t want to overlook how I interact with and serve the most important people in my life just because I’m too concerned with how I’m not serving the poor and needy, not throwing perfect dinner parties, not wearing the latest fashions (or even always changing out of my pajamas), not the thinnest or the prettiest, not a fast runner, not successful, or any of the other things I obsess about in the course of a day.

This has gotten to be a long blog post but I can’t say how much this revelation has literally changed my life. I have been stuck in a rut of joylessness for SO LONG, not knowing how to get out of it, nor having the strength even to try. I feel like the psalmist when he said:

“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters…He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me” (Psalm 18:16,19).

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God” (Psalm 40:2-3).

God has rescued me.

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Ugly unbelief

9 Sep

Unbelief is an ugly thing.

My blog post yesterday is some pretty convincing evidence of that statement. Just writing that post made me depressed and discouraged – I can’t imagine what it’s like reading it!!

But instead of deleting it as the insane rantings of an emotionally unhinged lunatic, I am leaving it. This is real evidence of the struggle with unbelief, a struggle which everyone has, to some extent, every day. I just show what happens when you let it spiral out of control.

I woke up today planning to run 15 miles but since our race this weekend has been cancelled due to the Fourmile Canyon fire (and I really didn’t feel like running that much today), I decided to do that run on Saturday, when I will be better rested and can take a nap afterwards. So instead of lacing up my running shoes at 6:30, I cracked open Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest.

This is what I read: “A river is victoriously persistent, overcoming all barriers… [Has] an obstacle come into your life and you do not seem to be of any use to God? Then keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you around the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never focus your eyes on the obstacle or the difficulty. The obstacle will be a matter of total indifference to the river that will flow steadily through you if you will simply remember to stay focused on the Source. Never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ – not emotion or experience – nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

This is why I love reading Oswald Chambers. So often, his devotions are exactly what I needed to hear. I have been so focused on my problems that I’ve been saying “See how big my problems are?!?! How can God possibly help me with this?” When in reality, I was the one being the problem and God was the only answer.

After a little bit more rational pondering (and no doubt some inspiration from the Holy Spirit), I have realized that I am contributing to this problem of my job more than I was aware. There are 3 main issues:

1. Working from home has definite benefits – I love the flexibility. But it’s that very flexibility that has made me subconsciously feel like a slacker all the time and resulted in a huge burden of guilt. I don’t feel like I am giving a wholehearted effort in my job – I’m doing just enough to get by. That feeling, though subtle, has been wearing on me. And I think, in this instance, that guilt is a good indication that I am not glorifying God in my work ethic right now.

2. I also have been overwhelmed by feelings of not being able to do all the things that I would like to do – and I blame it on work. I think this feeling goes along with any commitment, since naturally, by doing one thing, you eliminate the possibility of doing another thing at the same time. So instead of letting this limitation breed discontentment, I am memorizing the verse, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). God has commanded that I focus on the positive things (Philippians 4:8) and be content (Philippians 4:11).

3. Last but certainly not least, I have been very fearful in my job. The modern term is “stressed out” but I’m pretty sure that’s just a fancy way of saying I’m scared. I’m scared about failing (volunteer coordination) and scared about what other people think about me (getting new timing clients). Instead of looking to God and saying “This I know, that God is for me… what can man do to me?”, I have been saying “I can’t handle this!!” These realizations seems so obvious that I feel a little sheepish for my previous blog rant. But that is the effect of unbelief – you can’t think rationally, you believe sinful emotions instead of the truth, and rely on your own very limited understanding.

So in response to these 3 issues, I’m going to take some practical and spiritual action:

With God’s help, I am going to maintain a more intentional work schedule. Instead of working just whenever, I’m going to try to sit down around the same time every day and work for a particular duration – say 9 to 4. I am also going to start keeping track of the hours I work so I will know whether my guilt is sinful (letting my actions dictate how much I’m worth) or godly (I am not glorifying God by being a hearty worker).

I am going to prioritize my non-work time. The things I really want to make a priority are, in no particular order: running (the marathon is only 2 months away!), getting in the Word, praying, reading, cooking healthy food (not frozen pizzas!), and blogging. I need to be intentional about not getting sucked into mindless TV – though I do still hope to watch my favorite shows, like Bones and Desperate Housewives. But that will come second to my other, higher priorities.

And when I feel fearful about failure or human approval, I need to run to God. I need to remind myself of the revelant truth that He loves me and nothing I do or don’t do can change that. And because He loves me, I can trust Him. Just like with sanctification, I am responsible for the practical, everyday matters but He is in charge of the final product. I am called to be faithful in my job, but He is the one who makes me succeed. “The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever” (Psalm 138:8). I can trust God with the outcome of my job.

Yet again, I am so incredibly thankful that God is who He is – faithful, enduring, patient, loving, gracious. I am ashamed of my unbelieving behavior over the past week and a half and yet, I can come into God’s presence through prayer as if nothing ever happened. That is amazing.

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him, for God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).

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Wrestling with Life

8 Sep

I’ve been having a hard time with my job lately. I haven’t posted in a while because my job has hijacked my emotions and cast a dark, gloomy cloud over everything.

Or so it feels.

I got to talk to my good friend Holly last night (which was great!) and she said that she’s been learning that life is just one big paradox. That is exactly how I feel. So often I have conflicting, polar-opposite emotions and I feel slightly like a crazy lady who just needs to go out and find a shopping cart and cat already. I’m sure Travis’ mind reels at times when I spew emotional babble, going around in circles, talking about voices in my head and how I wish I could just shut my brain off.

I have to admit that I feel pretty alone in my struggle. It seems like I’m the only Christian I know who struggles with their job this much. Heck, who struggles with life this much. I keep analyzing, judging, questioning, wondering. I had finally gotten to a point after reading Just Do Something where I felt like I could just live and not hyper-analyze every little decision, like why I go grocery shopping at Safeway instead of King Soopers.

But then the bottom of my life fell out.

And now I’m back to feeling unsettled and disturbed every day. I wonder what’s the point of taking a shower and wearing nice clothes. I wonder how people have the motivation to eat healthy and care about their appearance. I wonder why God has made me this way – why can’t I just accept things at face value and move on like everyone else? I am angry that life is so freakin’ hard. I wonder why I can’t live in the joy and peace that Jesus talks about. I can’t even bring myself to believe in God’s promises right now. They seem so irrelevant and trite. If God is my strength to get through the day, then why do I still wake up wishing I had a different life?

The easy solution is to think that I just need a different job. And that may be so. But I’ve felt like this at pretty much every job I’ve had. And I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of trying to survive a life I don’t enjoy. I’m sick of working hard to find joy in things that really are void of joy. Doesn’t anyone else feel this way? How do people go through the daily grind of life and never want anything more? I want to know their secret because I am SICK of wrestling with my life.

I know that Christ is the answer – He always is. But my heart is floundering in the midst of my unbelief and I can’t make it back to shore.

I obviously have had this struggle before – I feel like every one of my blog posts is a repeat of the one before it. And back on November 9, 2005, I wrote this:

“My child, you don’t need to try. I see your life frequently overwhelm you and my heart breaks when I see your sin grieving your spirit so. But if it’s even possible, I love you infinitely more at these times when you are helplessly broken and down on yourself. Take heart, beloved, for all things are possible with Me and you are not without hope. I am your hope. I am your strength. I fight for you when you cannot fight for yourself. I uphold your soul when you let go of it. I gaze tenderly upon your defeated body, which is endearing to Me, and desire more than anything to control your life, to cleanse your heart, to satisfy your deepest longings, to take away your anguish, and give you nothing but quietness of soul. You don’t want to try so don’t. Let me do it. Please don’t run away, I beg you; rest in Me and you will find peace for your soul. My little sheep, cling to me and I promise that I will forever delight in calling you mine.”

I want to believe that this is God’s love for me. I want to believe that I can rest in Him, find peace and that He is the strength that enables me to get through each day. I want to believe.

Lord, help my unbelief.

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Fighting against self-righteousness

16 Aug

“He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt:

‘Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted'” (Luke 18:9-14).

One of my co-workers is a Christian and while she goes to church on a regular basis, she doesn’t read the Bible much, doesn’t know much about what the Bible says on specific things, and doesn’t seem to care about changing that. She also has a perpetually bad attitude, complains a lot, and has a tendency to focus on the worst in people.

I have found myself passing judgment on her, thinking that at least I try to have a godly attitude, I make Christian fellowship a priority, and I know more about the Bible and theology because I read the Bible and was very involved in a college ministry.

I know this tendency of mine is a sin. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else? And even if I am “better,” it is solely by the grace of God. Before I was a Christian, I had no morals, no ethics, and no standards. I did whatever I wanted, regardless of the consequences to others, as long as I came out pretty well off. Any action I do now that takes others into consideration is evidence of the Spirit working in me.

But this struggle reveals something about my condition. It is the same reason why it’s so tempting to tell non-Christians stories about what a rebel I was before I became a Christian. The reason why I want to be skinnier and prettier than other women. The reason why I need to be successful in my job. 

I want to prove my worth.

I want to show others that I have something to offer, that I matter, that I am to be envied. My flesh does not think it is not enough to be loved by God, to be saved by Christ, to be validated by the One who sets the ultimate standards. I want my worth to be about me.

But I’m glad that it’s not about me, no matter how misled and lost I am about what is really important. If it were about me, I could never be sure of my real worth because everything would be relative. Who can define beauty? Who can define success? Who can define truly living? Humans try but without an objective truth, everything becomes subjective and nothing is for sure. Only God can define those things.

And only God can judge other people. My co-worker’s relationship with God is just that – her relationship with God. It’s between her and God. I cannot hold her up to a standard that I cannot attain myself. Without the Holy Spirit, neither of us are anything. But with God, all things are possible.

So instead of judging her and setting myself on a pedestal because “at least I’m seeking to know God,” I should pray for her. I should ask God to make Himself ever more real and lovely in her life, so that she desires to know Him more. I should ask Him to change her attitude, to give her the grace to give thanks always, to soften her heart in repentance, to help her focus on what really matters.

And while I’m at it, I should pray those things for myself as well.

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Good to be home

19 Jul

I just got back yesterday from being gone on a work trip for 10 days. We were in Middle-of-Nowhere, Utah, the whole time. I actually kind of enjoyed being out in the country but I was – am – SO ready to be home.

The thing I’m looking forward to the most about being home is being able to spend time with the Lord again. I know I could do it somewhat while I’m on the road but since I share a hotel room, I don’t get any alone time. And toward the end of the week (Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun), I am so busy and exhausted that I go to bed right when I get back and get up with just enough time to leave when we need to (even then I usually only get 3-5 hours of sleep). It’s intense, to say the least.

So today, I am taking the day off. I am blogging, Facebooking, and getting in the Word this morning with my first cup of coffee in 10 days!! (I am so picky about my coffee that I hardly ever drink it on the road – although I did have 2 lattes while we were gone.) Then, at 10:30, I’m getting a full body massage to work out the knots starting to form in my upper back from lifting so much heavy equipment. After that, I’ll take a shower and eat lunch with Travis. Then, this afternoon, I’m starting my first day of volunteering in the office at my church. That’s from 2-5 pm, after which I’ll come home, make supper, call my mom and 2 of my brothers, and hopefully still have time to paint my toenails. It’s a busy day but a fun one!

Tomorrow, it’s back to the grind BUT this is my last timing event of the 2010 triathlon season – meaning I’ll be traveling for work. I’m taking volunteer coordination back on but it shouldn’t be too bad, since the bulk of my job over the past 2 months will no longer be the bulk of my job (I’ll still be timing our own races).

It’s funny – even though I won’t be traveling for work the last weekend of July and the last 2 weekends of August, we’re planning on going to Yellowstone, Boulder (which is pretty close relatively), and into the mountains to camp. But it’s going to be the FUN kind of road trip!! Can’t wait!

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The eye of the storm.

15 Jun

The past few weeks have been pretty relaxed with my job, compared to the first 3 months of chaos. We don’t have another one of our events until July 17th, so we have a little lull here in the crap-ton of planning and prepping that goes into putting on our own race. Which means I am left with just having to prep for, travel to, and work timing events every weekend. Still a lot of travel for me (every weekend until the last weekend in July – I’ll have been traveling for 11 weekends straight) but less stuff during the week, which means I get to take advantage of a little downtime.

This is definitely one of the major perks of this job – getting to structure my day how I see fit, going on a run at 11 am, grocery shopping after lunch, taking a nap if I need it. I don’t have to sit at a desk pretending to do work when I don’t have any work to do. Instead, I can go sit outside and read a book. Or I can watch 4 episodes of Desperate Housewives in a row. It’s absolutely wonderful.

This coming weekend I’m off to Rapid City, SD. Then it’s SLC, UT. Then Colorado Springs. Then Helena, MT. Then Price, UT. Then back to SLC, UT. Then a weekend off!!! But Travis and I will probably go camping somewhere so I still won’t be home.

But I actually don’t mind not getting to spend the weekends at home. I’m usually back Saturday night so I have the whole day Sunday here and then I’m working from home during the week so it doesn’t feel like I’m gone all that much. Like this past weekend, I left Friday morning and came back Saturday night. It was a whirlwind of a trip but definitely worth having the extra time at home to see Travis.

So I’m really enjoying my job lately, despite the hectic pace and stress of actually being at the timing events. The event this past weekend went pretty well – some technical difficulties while we were at the race but everything ended up working out in the end, so I feel like the race is one of the best ones I’ve done yet. Definitely the best a race has gone when it has just been me timing with an intern. So there’s that.

And when things do go well, I am left feeling incredibly blessed by the Lord, knowing that He is behind all the tiny little details, orchestrating everything.

But I know that this peacefulness is just temporary – come mid-July, we will be putting on one of our own races every 2 weeks until the end of October. This is really just the eye of the storm. It’s going to get worse – in fact, worse than it has been the first 3 months of this job. So I’m really trying to soak up and enjoy this lull, this break because soon, it’ll be go time.

But it’s not go time right now. 🙂

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