Tag Archives: work

Defined by God

1 Jun

I had a rough weekend. I was at a timing event on Saturday and the whole morning of setup went really well. When the race started, I felt really good about how things were going. Then athletes started crossing the finish line and I realized we were missing quite a few of their chips. But there was no time to fix it. We were also having problems with the PA system and the announcer function (which we almost always have problems with).

Amazingly, though, Megan and I made it through and I recovered most of the athletes’ finish times using our manual backup system. We packed up the car and got on the road back to Denver.

I got my computer out in the car to work on posting the results. When I opened the results file, though, I was shocked. The results were absolutely horrible. We were missing splits left and right. Something had happened with the timing equipment at the transition area. What was I going to do?

After talking to my boss, Brent, I spent the rest of the 8-hour car ride home fixing the splits that I could. Then I spent another 3.5 hours on Sunday morning. After finally getting the results posted, I braced myself for all of the scathing emails I would receive from athletes.

I still got those but I also got one from the race director (he had actually sent it to Brent, who forwarded it to me with no comment). The race director was very unhappy – with how the PA system had worked, how the announcer function had worked (or more, had NOT worked), and most of all, with the lack of splits. He told Brent that he felt like he was paying for second stringers and that the timing team at his race seemed very inexperienced. But the email wasn’t in a mean tone and I really can’t blame Greg for being frustrated at the situation. All of the stuff he mentioned happened and I could only do my best with the situation.

But I’d be lying if I said that his comments didn’t bother me. No one likes to hear that someone is disappointed and dissatisfied with their performance. I have definitely looked at, thought out, and analyzed this past race from every possible angle. In hindsight (which is always 20/20), there are a few things I should have done differently. And as I’ve learned over the past 3 months, in this business, little mistakes can cost you big. They did for me on Saturday.

As I got in the word this morning, I was reminded of Bethlehem Baptist Church’s mantra: God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. In the midst of this tough work situation, where my reputation and work performance have clearly been questioned, I can be most satisfied in God by remembering that I am valuable and precious because God says I am. I don’t have to look to this world for validation and I am not defined by what I do wrong – or right. I am defined by Who died for me and what He says about me.

Because of God’s grace, I feel very blessed right now to have the Christian community and loving husband I do. I will make it through this and I will have learned and grown as a result. Trial by fire.

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Doing a marathon

8 May

So I think I’m finally going to do it: a marathon. I had really wanted to do the Twin Cities Marathon, since the course is pretty and it would be easier for my family to come and watch. But now I’m toying with the idea of doing one in California. There are 4 different ones during the first 2 weeks of November that I would be interested in. And doing one in November (instead of the TC Marathon at the beginning of October) would be more desirable for many reasons.

One, I would be able to train longer. Right now, I can run 6 miles (which I just did today and I barely made it through). I saw Hal Higdon’s marathon training program is 18 weeks long and I actually have 21 weeks until October 3rd. But there are 4 weeks in there when I could potentially not be running at all (due to being gone and extremely busy those weeks for work). So that leaves me 17 weeks. Which is doable but not ideal. Waiting until November would give me back those 4 weeks. And I will definitely need those, since I think I’ll only be able to squeeze in 1-2 short runs + 1 long run a week due to my work schedule.

Moreover, our race season ends the 3rd week of October. So I would have a good solid 2 weeks to recuperate, relax, sleep and de-stress before the marathon. AND if we did one in California, we could squeeze a mini-vacation into it as well. And I’m pretty sure my parents would fly out to see me too (my bros probably wouldn’t).

So these are the races I’m looking at:

Santa Barbara Marathon & Half

Santa Barbara, CA

November 6, 2010

Eye-Q Two Cities Marathon & Half

Fresno & Clovis, CA

November 7, 2010

Morgan Hill Marathon & Half

Morgan Hill, CA

November 7, 2010

Run the River Marathon & Half

Folsom, CA

November 13, 2010

Travis would run the 1/2 marathon, so it’s convenient that all of the above have that option. Hmmm… my vote right now is for the Eye-Q Two Cities Marathon because it looks the coolest but the only drawback is that the closest city to Fresno that Southwest flies to is San Francisco. Not that San Francisco is bad (it would actually be fun to spend some time there) but it’s a 3 hour drive to Fresno.

And the beautiful thing is that November in California should be pretty nice. Could be on the chilly side in the morning but overall, should be pretty nice.

In preparation for the marathon, I’m planning on running a half-marathon and I found one on August 29th called the Mt. Sneffels Half Marathon. It starts at 7,500 feet up in the mountains and ends at 7,000. I like the sound of that! And the best part, it’s only $30 to register.

I’m totally pumped!! I’ll let you know which one I end up deciding on.

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Keeping time

6 May

I think I’ve finally discovered how to handle working at home: treating it like a real job in an office.

Subconsciously, working from home has felt like not working – as in I could justify staying up until 11 and not getting up until 7:30. But then I felt rushed to get in the Word and start working. I never changed out of my pajamas because I exercised at night (why would I take a shower when I would just get all sweaty later?) and after taking a shower, it was time for bed again. I felt like a bum with a job (oxymoron?)

So this past weekend, I decided No More. I was going to start treating my job like a job – and by doing so, hopefully alleviate the guilt and weird “I never left work” feeling that has been plaguing me ever since I took this job.

Well, I’m happy to report that it worked. Today is Day 3 of my “back to work” project and I feel great. I get up at 5:15 and read the Bible, while I eat breakfast and drink my first cup of coffee. Then at 6:15 I go workout (I took today off though). At 7:15, I shower and put real clothes on (novel idea!). At 8:00 am, I sit down at the computer with my 2nd cup of coffee.

I have also decided to start taking lunch breaks. Travis usually doesn’t come home for lunch so I will have time to myself to read – and will hopefully get a lot more read than I do in bed! I haven’t read during lunch yet this week (actually have only taken 1 lunch break yet this week) because I didn’t work Monday, we had a meeting in Boulder on Tuesday over the lunch hour, and I was over at D’s house today during lunch. I took a lunch break yesterday but instead of reading, I blogged. But that is one of my goals as well, so it’s ok. 🙂

I think the reason why I love getting up early to get in the Word and exercise is because I start my day off feeling productive. And I, for some reason, LOVE that feeling. I can think of very few feelings that are better. (So why am I lazy so often, I wonder?) Having more normal hours for work has also helped me feel ok about calling it quitting time after a full day. Who’da thought that I like structure to my day?

On another note, I forgot to post these pics yesterday when I posted about our landscaping.

Travis bought me flowers when he came home from his last levee inspection. What a sweetie!

Travis rubbing Katy's belly. Katy loves that!

Little Katy is so cute.

A pic just because

Now I have to go watch Bones!

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Exhaustion and chaos.

19 Apr

I just got back last night from my first weeklong trip to a race. This race was one we put on so instead of just doing the timing (which is an in-and-out job), we had to set the whole thing up, coordinate all the volunteers and staff, clean up, provide food and water to all the athletes, all of that.

Overall, the trip was a good time. We got to Vegas Monday night and checked into our hotel. It was a dump. It was near the race site but it was only $20 a night.

Tuesday, we met up with the old race director, Brogg, and went to buy consumables, like duct tape, zip ties, bricks and rope for the buoys, and air horns. I somehow convinced the director of sales at Hampton Inn and Suites to comp us a room for the whole week because we would direct athletes to their hotel. So after buying that stuff, D and I moved to the Hampton Inn – SO much better!!

Wednesday, we just spent at the hotel, which now had free WiFi, free breakfast, as well as a light dinner and freshly baked cookies every night. We checked emails, confirmed vendors, and finalized packets for packet pickup. Travis flew in around 7:30 that night so I went and picked him up from the airport (which I will never do again, because I always end up pissed off for the rest of the night due to the airport roads being so asinine…long story). We went back to the hotel to check in and pretty much went straight to bed.

Thursday, we went down to the race site (Travis stayed at the hotel to work on school work and relax after his 10-day levee inspection) to stage the bike and run course aid stations by filling up trash cans with water, sorting course marking signs, and loading the trucks that would take the materials out on the course the next day. I didn’t enjoy that day because I spent a lot of time just standing around the race site watching other people work because I didn’t know much about what they were doing. I communicated to my boss and friend, D, that next time, I need a job. Just give me a job to do and I”ll be fine. When we got back to the hotel, Travis and I ate at In-N-Out Burger (first time! and it was good) and then went to bed.

Friday, everyone else headed down to the race site again to put the buoys out in the water, set up the barricades and fencing around the transition area, set up the finish line scaffolding arch and tents, and set up the bike and run courses. I did not do that – I was back in the hotel room getting ready for packet pickup. I had to print final rosters, mark the last packets from online registrations, load all of the packets into the car, then Travis and I drove to the packet pickup venue and set it all up. Overall, packet pickup went really well. I learned a few things that will make packet pickup go more smoothly in the future – like have more volunteers at the front table checking IDs and taking new registrations – but I think the setup was pretty good. Travis was a great help – it was really fun having him there. After packet pickup, Travis and I got subs from this great sub shop, ate, and went to bed around 11:00.

Saturday morning was D day. My alarm was set for 2:15 AM but somehow, I didn’t hear it go off (or it didn’t go off) but luckily, I woke up at 2:45 and realized what time it was. We left for the race site by 3:30 AM and got there by 4. Wow, that was early. I set about setting up all the timing equipment with Travis, while D went and worked on the registration data and other stuff. After getting all the timing equipment set up in probably a little over an hour, all hell broke loose.

It was absolute chaos for the next 2 hours. I had coordinated volunteers before the race and had expected to be off the hook on race day, so that I could concentrate on timing. But D radioed and asked if I could go up to the volunteer check-in site around 5:30. So I did. Only 2 volunteers showed up. After standing there for about 5 minutes doing nothing but wishing I could just run and hide far away from the pressure, I found out that more volunteers could be used at the transition area for body marking, so I directed them down there. After that, Brent (my boss who was helping me time, since this was my first time doing it on my own) asked what time I would be ready to time. Right then, I said screw it to the volunteer stuff and went and did timing. After that, for me at least, the day went MUCH better.

The chaos was caused mostly by 1) not having enough volunteers (a group of 30 canceled on us the day before the race) and 2) not having the volunteers there early enough. Two more things I learned that should make things go better in the future.

Timing went REALLY well. Pretty much as well as I could have hoped. It went worlds better than any of the other 3 timing events I’ve been at. So that was a definite blessing from God.

Overall, we had a great turnout (about 750 athletes), the athletes had a good time, got their times and awards, food and water, and the race happened. We couldn’t really ask for more for our first go-around at one. (Brogg had put this race on for several years but sold his company and we are now directing the races – he’s just available as contract labor for the year, to help us learn how to pull this type of event off).

Then yesterday, dog tired, D and I got to drive back to Denver! Yay for us! After getting to bed around 11 again, I got up at 5:00 to get my crap together in time to leave at 6:00. If we had had any more stuff to fit in the Sequoia we drove, it would not have fit. The entire SUV was full. There was no seeing out the back. After returning the radios, we got on the road.

When we stopped to get gas for the first time, D took over driving and after another 30 minutes or so, D said that she felt we should have turned onto I-70 by now. So I whipped out my phone and went on Google maps. Sure that we were still coming up on it, I scrolled to the north of where we were. Nope… that was Salt Lake City. I scrolled to the south… and scrolled… and scrolled. Oh. I-70 was about 70 miles ago. How did that happen?!?!

Luckily, there was a road we could take to cut over to I-70 and not have to completely backtrack. My idiocy cost us about an hour and 20 minutes. D’oh! But when I realized how offtrack we were, I just had to laugh. I don’t know exactly how it happened but I’m sure that it had something to do with being exhausted, concentrating on staying awake, and the exit to I-70 being poorly signed. D had almost missed it herself the last time we were driving back from Vegas. D was really nice about my stupid mistake and hey, now we have a story. Road trips are nothing without adventures like that!

Finally, I got home at 9 PM. I had planned to sleep in as late as possible today but woke up at 7 AM Denver time (6 AM Vegas time!) and was wide awake. So I got up, made some coffee, and am now watching the news and typing this blog. What a whirlwind of a weekend!! And we get to do it all again in a month. Not only that, D and I leave again this Thursday morning for a timing event near Salt Lake City.

My parents are coming out the first weekend of May, then I have a weekend to relax, then it’s another racing planning whirlwind in St. George. But we have a crap ton of stuff to get done between then and now!

So after this experience, I would say that I am enjoying this job. It doesn’t really feel like a job because it’s so different than sitting in an office but HOLY CRAP is it a lot of work!!

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The pull of this life

22 Mar

It’s been a LONG time since I updated my blog, an unfortunate side effect of my new job. It’s kept me really busy and I’m enjoying it so far.

But…

It’s kind of bittersweet. Not that leaving Dare 2 Share makes me sad (although it was the day I left), but I’m not as ecstatic about the job as I thought I would be. Deep down, my soul feels wary and disturbed. It feels like I’m living a different life – this wasn’t just switching a job, it’s switching a lifestyle. And I knew that going into this. But I didn’t know it would make me feel so… weird.

Maybe I don’t feel totally pumped about this job because it’s still a job, after all, and not a ticket to paradise.

Part of it also is that I am now salaried and I work from home – 2 factors which make working everyday not only a possibility, but also something that is encouraged (my boss D works 60-70 hours a week). I’ve been averaging something like 45-50 for the 2 weeks I’ve been with YCS. This situation, however, produces guilt in me whenever I am not working, which sucks. I’m sure it’ll get at least a little better as I get settled into this new role and it feels more comfortable. But I was not prepared for that aspect.

The past week or so, I have been good about making time with God and exercise a priority – those are 2 things that I NEED daily or I seriously think I would cease to feel like myself ever. I also need to make time to cook, go on walks, read, and relax – things I really enjoy. If I don’t make time for those things, I think I will end up hating my life and that was most definitely NOT the point of taking this new job.

All that aside, however, my biggest fear is that I will drift away from God. It would be easy to do, with being busy all the time, and thinking about work constantly (something else that needs to stop for the sake of my sanity). And even though I am getting in the Word regularly, and went to Women’s Group and church this past week, I still feel far from God. Part of it is that I haven’t been praying as often as I had been while still at D2S. But the other part I attribute to my job. It’s very similar to my last post about vacation. My whole life now feels like a vacation – unfortunately, not in the aspect that it feels like I’m lying on the beach 24/7, but in the aspect that nothing feels familiar. Everything changed. I live in the same house with the same husband but honestly, that feels like pretty  much the only things that are the same.

As I try to reclaim my identity in the midst of this new job threatening to consume my life, I think about this song by Shawn McDonald:

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won’t let me go, won’t let me fly by
It’s taking it’s toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life
Don’t let me lose my sight of You
Don’t let me lose my sight

Chorus:
I don’t want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don’t want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

This world keeps making me cry
But I’m going to try, going to try to fly, GOTTA FLY HIGH
Don’t want to give into the sin, want to stay IN YOU ‘til the end
Don’t want to lose my sight of You
Don’t want to lose my sight

Chorus

I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this WHOLE world AND
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It’s got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes

God is powerful and can – nay, WILL – sustain my spirit in the midst of this. I cling to that truth.

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A choice

16 Feb

I just found out tonight that the job with the triathlon company I had wanted (and thought I had) back in January (that I didn’t get) might be back on the table. They are potentially getting 2 new contracts, which would bring in enough money (and enough work) for them to hire another person full-time. They were going to hire a guy with 5 years race director experience but when they called to offer him the job, he turned it down, saying he didn’t want to travel so much.

The contracts are still legally pending – meaning the race people have given their word but not faxed a signed contract. So this job is still not a for sure in itself, let alone for me.

The owner of this nonprofit also wants to meet me. So I’m going up there on Monday morning.

But here’s the thing…

I’m not entirely sure I want the job. I mean, I do.

But I don’t.

Why the ambivalence? This isn’t your typical job. It’s with a triathlon company…

Pros:

Work from home

Get lots of vacation during the off-season

Flexible-ish hours during the on-season

Get paid more

Work outside

A new, exciting experience in a fun environment

Lots of travel

More interaction with people

More authority and control over my workload (I would be in charge of timing events)

Work with non-Christians, have chances to share the gospel

Chance to broaden my marketing and design skills

Get involved with a start-up company

Cons:

Long hours during the on-season

Lots of travel

I’d be away from Travis a lot

Summer weekends would be tied up working instead of hiking and camping

I’d miss church a lot

Time off during the week, when Travis is working

Possibly not able to participate in any races during on-season

Besides D, it’s all guys who work there (and they sound like they’re frustrating at times)

Sometimes I like working in an office

I wouldn’t have a reason to dress up anymore (sweats and tees would be my “uniform”)

There are things I think I could do to minimize the damage… I could find a church that has Wednesday night services or recreate my own church services at home on my days off. I could bring Travis with me to some races. I don’t think every weekend will be tied up so we’ll have to be intentional about planning things like hiking and camping for those times. The other things are petty (like, liking to dress up… I think I can get over that).

This door isn’t for sure open yet, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself. But if the door does open, I could start as early as March 1st so I do want to consider it enough to know what my answer would/will be if/when they offer me the job.

After reviewing the list above, I feel like the Pros outweigh the Cons. It’s a little scary… leaving the known for the unknown. But just the other day, I was thinking about Crystal Renn, the plus-size model who wrote Hungry. When she had been discovered by the modeling scout and had finally lost enough weight to start modeling, she moved from rural Mississippi to New York. Her grandma (who was really like her mom growing up) moved with her, giving up her own house to go live in a tiny flat with a bunch of models. Crystal wrote that she still can’t fathom the sacrifice her “mom” made for her. But it is because her mom was willing to sacrifice for Crystal that she is changing the face of modeling today.

The Winter Olympics brought this thought up as well, as I watched a 16-year-old figure skater from the U.S. compete last night. That girl is forgoing a typical high schooler’s life, time with her friends and family, time with boys, time being a teenage girl, to achieve something great. She is following her dream. She is stepping out on the ledge and going for it.

There have been a few things in my life that I’ve had to make choices about. In the past, I’ve decided against them when they would cause me to give up something important to me. I decided to not take ballet lessons because they were on Wednesday nights, during our care group time. Travis and I decided to not lead a care group at church because we were just getting to be good friends in the group we were attending and didn’t want to leave those behind.

But maybe this is a decision that I have to be bold about. Maybe I have to sacrifice some things to achieve something great. Maybe God is calling me to take a risk, to take a chance on Him.

I don’t feel like I’ve ever really taken a risk on anything. Probably the biggest one was moving out to Colorado without jobs but that decision, we felt, was clearly God’s will.

So I want that kind of certainty with this decision. I’m leaning toward yes (if the job is offered, but that’s a big IF) but I don’t want that to be an automatic yes. I want it to actually be a decision, weighing the reality of the situation. Back in January, I wanted out of my current job so badly that I couldn’t see straight. But now, God has brought me to a point of rationality. I do like my job and I would be happy to stay there for the foreseeable future, until God moved me elsewhere. Maybe God is moving me now though?

God seems to have a way of bringing me to a point of contentment with a situation and then giving me what I’ve wanted all along. When I was finally content without a boyfriend after becoming a Christian, God brought Travis into my life. When I had finally made peace about the uncertainty of whether Travis and I would get married (and I say finally because it took me over a year!), Travis proposed. So maybe now that I am finally at peace with what happens with my job, God will give me the triathlon job. I don’t presume to know, though. He is full of surprises – all full of grace and blessing, might I add.

I really want this decision to be bathed in prayer, as they say, so I am going to try to pray a lot over the next several days about this. My life is in God’s hands and I am at peace when I rest completely in His love for me. So I am going to fight to rest, as John Piper would say.

Stay tuned for more…

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Humbled, yet again

6 Feb

The last few days have been pretty tumultuous for me emotionally. Yesterday especially. Thursday was the day I blogged last, the day I could barely stand to be in the office. If you can believe it, Friday was even worse. It was the most delightful thought to me to walk into Phil’s office and tell him I quit. To pack up my stuff and leave on the spot.

To be honest, it still is a pleasant thought.

I got home from work, just hating my life. Hating that I had a job I hated. Hating that I couldn’t quit, that I had to just endure it for however much longer and not being to bear that thought. I tried to look at jobs and work on my resume after work but the computer wasn’t cooperating. I didn’t need that. But I didn’t give up. After a few more attempts and a switch in computers, I brought up my old resume in Word and starting working on it. I even looked up a resume guide online and took their suggestions to heart.

Then all of a sudden, the computer I was working on shut down.

When I brought the program back up, my resume was back to where it had been an hour before.

I raged. I cried, hit the door, screamed, yelled “God, why?!?!? WHY!?!? Am I not miserable enough? Why this? Do you not want me to get another job? Is this Your way of telling me that?” That went on for about 15 minutes. It wasn’t my finest hour.

Finally, I calmed down enough to recall the changes I had made. I had started making when another box popped up about document recovery. I x-ed out of it and there, lo and behold, was my resume. It wasn’t exactly how I had left it but it was a lot closer than the one I had presumed to be the most recent version.

I was humbled.

And still confused.

Here I was, raging at God for no reason (the humbling part). But I was still left with the “Why?” (the confusing part). Why did I have to go through that emotional turmoil just to discover that my resume was indeed still there?

I still didn’t know “why.”

I did know that after finalizing my resume and getting Travis’ feedback, I was able to go to bed with a spark of hope instead of a cloud of doom hanging over my head. And I did know that when I woke up this morning and applied for 6 jobs, that I was excited about the possibility of a new work situation, instead of dreading heading back into the same old one.

But then, after all that, I finally discovered the “why.”

While reading Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest, God knocked some sense into me. It’s amazing how many of Oswald Chambers exhortations do that on exactly the days I need them. The ironic part is that the readings that hit me square between the eyes were the readings I would have read on Thursday and Friday, had I gotten into the Word instead of foaming at the mouth with anger.

But first, I need to give a little background. After quite some time spent in bitterness and anger over the past week or so (and on/off for the past year or so) because of my job, I realized that the reason why working at D2S is so frustrating to me is because I feel insignificant. I have nothing to contribute because the motivation to come up with things to contribute has been snuffed out by the lack of encouragement for (and use of) contributions. Decisions are made and remade without the slightest regard for me. I feel like it can best be summed up by saying that my job is just to do what I’m told.

In light of that, these are the words God used to speak to me this afternoon:

February 5: “Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket–to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted–not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?”

February 6: “Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way… You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents–burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose–the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God… After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do… Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.”

It is not my job that is making me miserable. Rather, it is my refusal to run to God in the midst of my frustration. It is letting my circumstances take my eyes off God. That’s what He was showing me last night when the computer died. A new job won’t make me happy. A new job won’t make my life better automatically. It still might be time for me to move on from Dare 2 Share but God is not primarily concerned about the circumstances of my life–He’s concerned about my relationship with Him. He’s concerned first and foremost about my sanctification, about refining me into the image of His Son. He reminded me that true joy — true unwavering, unshakable joy — comes from knowing Christ as my Savior. It comes from knowing that God has a plan for me and that, I love how Oswald Chambers puts it, “God will prove Himself to be all [I] ever dreamed He would be.”

I can glorify God and be the light of Christ in my current job. It will be hard and I have been brought so low that I finally recognize there is no possible way I can do get through this with my personal integrity and happiness on my own strength. I need to seek God’s face, to read the Bible and have God speak truth to my soul. But because of Christ, I have faith – and faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

“In this world, you will have trouble but take heart; I have overcome the world.”

What an amazing God we have!

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Good ole work.

4 Feb

Ugh. Today is one of those days when I am so frustrated and fed up with work that I fantasize about marching into Phil’s office and saying “I quit.” No 2 weeks. No explanation. (But maybe a few cuss words). Just walk out of here, home free.

But I can’t do that. We need my salary right now. I mean, I guess we could manage without it but things would be tight, especially with Travis in grad school. (Darn those higher learning expenses!)

It’s not that I don’t like my job, per se. I like what I do. I like marketing, I like my responsibilities, I like that I get to do a lot of different things, things that I wouldn’t get to do if our company was bigger (like graphic design and HTML coding). But I don’t like the atmosphere. I don’t like the leadership (or lack of it). There’s no room to grow. There’s no encouraging creative thinking. People like me just do what we’re told to do.

That’s why it throws me for a loop when my boss asks me to give him graphics and images that could represent the feel/tone of our next tour. Why I’m so confused when he asked me to work with the marketing consultants to get our website for the previews up and running.

WHAT?!?!?

You mean, you’re asking me to come up with something… on my own?

Not only does that curveball cause me to switch my train of thinking totally (from being reactive to being proactive), it also causes me to do work I think is pointless. 2 1/2 years at this job has shown me that I am directed from the top. Any spark of inspiration is snuffed out by the powers that be.

Maybe it’s the pain of being a small organization.

But just maybe it’s the pain of being with this small organization.

There are days when I enjoy my job. Those are the days when everyone lets me be, when I can do my responsibilities without these crazy notions of creation and strategy thinking intruding on my mind-numbing tasks. When I don’t have to write marketing copy. When I don’t have to envision which tab should go where on our website. I can copy and paste HTML code for emails to my heart’s content.

Most days, it’s really not this bad. But some days, it’s worse. I have had countless raving, cursing arguments with the air on my lunch hour at home. I have imagined emotional jabs, smart retorts and passionate (but true) diatribes.

But alas, none of that has actually happened. I am still here, seething in my desk chair, hacking away on my computer, just like I will be tomorrow.

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Majorly bummed.

22 Dec

So the whole job thing didn’t quite work out as anticipated. Not only am I not starting in January, I’m not sure I’ll get a job with that organization at all. From what my friend D (who left D2S to work for them) tells me, it sounds like they are rethinking a lot of things and haven’t figured anything out for sure. They’ve even talked about changing her level of responsibility and even her payscale, which is totally not cool. So D is glad that this happened before I got in the middle of it but it’s still a major bummer. I was really ready to leave AND I was really excited about the new opportunity.

But it doesn’t sound like they’ve for sure decided to not hire anyone… it’s just more about timing. Do they hire someone now or 3, 6, 12 months from now? If D has any say in it, if they do eventually decide to hire someone, I would be offered the position. So the hope and potential is still there. It’s just no longer on the near horizon.

Before I found this out yesterday, I had been reminding myself of God’s goodness, love and perfect timing. After I found out, I saw how easily I could abandon all those truths and instead be mad at God. “Why can’t I have this job? Why did You let me get all excited about this when You knew it wouldn’t happen? Why do You have to teach me to rely on You this way? I really wanted this job and You knew it!”

That’s what I wanted to say.

But I can’t let that be my attitude. God does have perfect timing and He is good, regardless of circumstances. And 24/7, He is not only able but willing to provide for me. So when I am tempted to lament to myself “I can’t take any more of D2S! I want out NOW!”, I have to remind myself of 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” and Psalm 55:22 – “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” It makes it sound like D2S is a horrible place to work (which it isn’t) but it helps to remind myself that God will enable me to endure, to perservere, to press on even when the going is rough.

On a positive note, there is a blizzard moving in across Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, and Minnesota so Travis and I are leaving for Minnesota a day early (tonight!) I haven’t even started packing but luckily, I did my baking last night so that’s all ready to go. I didn’t get a chance to buy my oldest bro’s Christmas present (was going to do that tonight) so we’ll have to figure out a Plan B for that.

The positive side, though, is that 1) One less day of work 2) One more day with my family and 3) One less day of work.

Hopefully Christmas and my fam will cheer up my spirits.

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Jitters.

17 Dec

It has been getting harder and harder to be at work this week. Not because I don’t want to be there or I’m bored. It’s the anticipation that’s killing me.

More and more it’s sounding like if this deal with this organization goes through and I get offered the job (I will tell more specifics later, if it ends up being a for-sure thing), I could start as early as January 4th. Which means I would give my 2 weeks notice next Monday 12/21 and be done on Wednesday 12/23, because of Christmas and the mandatory furlough my company is taking the week after Christmas. Not only that but I would get back from Minnesota on 1/3, the night before I would start my new job. I wouldn’t even have my home office set up or anything! It would definitely be a whirlwind if it went down that way.

But with the major transitions and restructuring right now (we let go of 5 employees last week), there is a lot of talk about who will be doing what going forward. I would like to be able to give notice before too many things get reassigned to me, because I’ll just have to turn around and tell them I’m leaving.

It sounds hopeful because the president of this nonprofit asked my friend D when I would need to know for sure in order to allow me to start at the beginning of Jan. So at least he’s aiming for that! If it doesn’t happen, I am trusting that it is God’s perfect timing and the best thing for everyone involved. I would either give my 2 weeks notice on Jan 4th or as soon as I could thereafter.

Man, it’s so hard not knowing!! This is definitely a lesson in patience and waiting on God. And I know that He is able and willing to provide for me, and He is sovereign and good. He has a plan for my life. This may be His plan (as it seems) but it may not. And I pray that I will have the grace to accept His plan either way.

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