Tag Archives: work

No such thing as perfect.

24 Aug

Never let ’em see you when you’re breaking
Never let ’em see you when you fall
That’s how we live and that’s how we try

Tell the world you’ve got it all together
Never let them see what’s underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

[CHORUS:]
There’s no such thing as perfect people
There’s no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it’s like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you’ve been
And you never have to go there again

[CHORUS]

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see out
Let grace be enough

 

I have never considered myself a people pleaser. I mean, in some regards I am because I want people to like me but I like to think I don’t compromise my values to please them. And I’m getting better at being able to tell people no instead of always backing myself into sticky situations.  

But lately, I’ve been struggling with this idea that I have to have my life all together. I think it comes from perpetual laziness and the whole triathlon thing that took over my life (doesn’t that sound like an oxymoron?!?!? but you see, the triathlon caused the subsequent laziness…it took all of my energy.) I get overwhelmed easily and feel stressed out if I run out of time before getting done everything on my TO-DO list. I feel guilty if I watch TV instead of doing laundry. I feel guilty taking a nap when the kitchen is a mess. It’s all about “should”s and “have-to”s.

As a believer, I know that I don’t earn my salvation. I know that I can never deserve eternal life and that God doesn’t ask me to prove my worth–because He knows that I never could. I am not worth anything except what Christ paid for me…which means that I am worth A LOT, but only because of Christ.

I heard this song by Natalie Grant on the radio today. I had heard it before and liked…contrasting the non-existent of perfect people with a perfect God. But today, the line “There’s no such thing as a perfect life” stood out to me.

That’s what I have been striving for. What I’ve been wanting. What I’ve been thinking/hoping/believing was possible.

It’s not.

My life will never be perfect. I will never feel like I’m on top of the world and am doing good at this whole Christian thing–at least, I shouldn’t feel that way and I definitely shouldn’t make it my aim to stay there.

Instead of letting my failures and insufficiency cripple me, I should let them humble me and lead me to the cross. Lead me to the One who is sufficient, so I don’t have to be. Lead me to the One who is perfect in my place. Lead me to the place where I can lay my burdens down and remember that “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Feeling like a failure doesn’t have to be a bad thing!! In fact, it can be one of the greatest blessings…because it reminds me that I am nothing without Christ.

Like Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I can be content with a messy house, piles of laundry and dirty dishes, a long and old TO-DO list, nails that need repainting, eyebrows that need plucking, plants that need watering, cars that need cleaning, books that haven’t been read, lessons that haven’t been learned, and pounds that haven’t been lost. I can be content with everything that makes my life a mess. I can be content with “my” schedule being “derailed” and God’s schedule being followed. I can be content with not being able to see how God is using me, knowing that surely He is doing whatever He pleases with my chaotic, unpredictable, so-not-a-routine kind of life.

I feel like I am just scratching the surface at what Jesus meant when he said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30).

Lord, take me deeper into the glory of Calvary!

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The best me

15 Jun

Lately, I have felt discombobulated and unlike myself. I’ve lost all desire to cook and grocery shop. I don’t even have much energy to make more than a bowl of cereal to eat. I feel lazy when it comes to reading the Bible and other books. I’d rather sleep in than work out in the morning and I update my triathlon blog more out of guilt than excitement.

What happened? I got off track. My schedule got derailed and I haven’t been able to re-rail it. Instead of following a predictable order, my day is a jumble of necessities, thrown together in a haphazard manner.

It’s at times like this that I have two main thoughts running through my mind. One, I envy people who have the same routine day after day, year after year. How do they stay “on track” amidst the chaos of life? I can get into a routine for about a week and then something happens that knocks everything off kilter and I have to find a new routine (which only lasts for a week before being replaced by a new one). I had gotten in to a routine of getting in the Word during lunch. All it takes is a day when I have to skip my lunch to take Travis to the airport and before I know it, 4 days have gone by without my getting in the Word.

Two, I am amazed by people who work full-time, have families, volunteer in their community, serve at church, and bake cookies for sick children at the hospital. Ok, I’ll be honest. I don’t actually know anyone like that. But I do know several busy people. My older brother Brian for one. It seems like he always has 50 different projects going on at once. I don’t know how he stays sane amidst it all. I wouldn’t even say that I have a busy life and I struggle with keeping it all together.

Which makes me wonder, where does all my time go? Especially lately, with the triathlon training. I feel inadequately disciplined to get everything done that I think I should be doing. Like my New Year’s Resolutions? For the past several months, even just getting time in the Word has been a struggle, let alone listening to a sermon outside of church, memorizing verses, and praying regularly. As I list all those things, I know ways that I could squeeze them into my day. But when I get busy, I tend to get lazy. I push things off with the excuse “I’m too tired.”  

Anyway, I did not mean this post to be a lament at how much I fail at achieving my own goals. Rather, I meant it to be a reflection on what I am learning about myself. I am not a person who sticks to a routine. I am not anal about my schedule and I can be steered from my pattern very easily. I don’t have an obsessive personality so I will never truly excel at one specific thing. Rather, I will be more of a Jack of All Trades, being mediocre at many things. And I’m ok with that.

I’m also learning that God did create me to be a busy person. That’s not my personality, natural inclination, or even my gifting. I can handle busyness for only so long before I have a breakdown and cry for at least an hour (which happened many times in college). I am not a person who likes or can handle having every second of every day crammed with activity, meetings, friends, To-Do’s, and errands. I need down time. I need time to read, exercise, take naps, blog, and veg in front of the TV.

For so long I have seen these traits in myself and wanted to change them. Why can’t I be more disciplined? Why can’t I stick to a routine against all odds? Why can’t I work full time and have 5 different extracurricular activities? Why can’t I work full time and have even one?

I’m not trying to sell myself short but I don’t want to insist that I be someone I’m not before I believe that I’ve reached my “true potential.” It’s a fact that I will never be a social butterfly, never be the person who meets random strangers everywhere I go and have thousands of acquaintances. That’s not who I am. 

It’s so easy to get trapped into thinking that as a Christian, I have to act and be like other Christians. The president of the ministry I work for is a very outgoing (some would say obnoxious) person, sharing the gospel with complete strangers constantly. I admire his extroversion because I am not. And while I know that my introversion is sometimes sinful, I don’t believe that I have to become extroverted in order to be an effective witness.

What I want to know is how I can be the best me, not attempt to a version of someone else. God created me the way I am, including my whimsicalness and propensity for relaxation, for a reason. As a woman made in God’s image, I showcase His glory in a unique way, in a way that people with routines and busy lives don’t (and they showcase His glory in their own unique way too, as long as they’re believers). Instead of fighting who I am, or striving to be someone I am not, I want to embrace who I am and what I’m like. I want to use it to glorify God and not lament who He created me to be. I want to reach my full potential, as I am, and not waste the precious time and personality He has given me.

How easy it is for Satan to get ahold of our minds and make us discontent by getting us to envy someone else who we think is better/prettier/skinnier/wealthier/happier!! Just tonight I was jealous because Travis is a better biker than me, even though I’ve been training for a tri for the past 3 months and he has ridden a bike once in the past year. My sinful flesh screamed “It’s not fair!! Why can’t I be better than him for once?” Similarly, with all the exercise I’ve been doing, I get frustrated that I’m not miraculously losing weight. “It’s not fair! Why can’t I just be thin for once?”

Loving Father that He is, God turns me back to Himself time and time again. “Kathy, that is not where happiness lies. Even if you were to be better than Travis and have a flat stomach, you would still desire something more. I am that Something More. I am the fulfillment of the yearning in your heart. Me and Me alone.”

Praise the Father for His faithfulness and steadfastness! How reassuring to know that He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I change moment to moment, never sticking to a routine or schedule, but He never changes. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.

“Though I be dry and barren

By grace this love springs forth

Love for You and Your kingdom

Joy in Your glory Lord.”

 

“Jesus my only hope, my only plea,

My righteousness, My Great High Priest,

Who intercedes before the throne,

Jesus I trust in You alone!”

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Whew.

2 Mar

I have been really out of the computer loop because I was just in Columbus for 5 days with Dare 2 Share for the National Youth Ministry Conference (my first business trip!!) And since I don’t have a work laptop (and my personal one weighs like 10 lbs), I didn’t have access to the internet the whole time we were there (which I was actually ok with!) The conference was a whirlwind but a total blast. I want to spend some QT with my husband right now so I will wait until tomorrow (which I have off!) to recap the weekend.

Until then…

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One Month…

16 Feb

until I’ll be sitting on a beach in Mexico with a Kahlua Mudslide in my hand, the sun on my face, and the sand beneath my feet.

Since yesterday marks a month until our vacation, I thought I would give an update on my goals for 2009 and the deal Travis and I have to not eat sweets, except on Sundays.

First, I’ve been doing pretty good with my goals. I haven’t met them all every week (I have ended up missing a day in the Word here and there) but I have met almost all of them most weeks.

Spiritually, I have been memorizing one verse each week, listening to a sermon (besides the one in church on Sunday) every week, and studying my Bible every day.

Physically, I have been exercising 5-7 days a week, though I haven’t strictly adhered to the schedule of what I would do each day. As much as I try to coax my personality into being planned and predictable, it’s just not me. I fly by the seat of my pants, exercise included. So I have been mixing it up between step aerobics (after taking a 2-week hiatus because of the nice weather more given to running), running outside, elliptical intervals, and 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels (a killer workout if I do say so myself!)

My eating has been pretty good. I do really well during the week because I have the structure of work hours and I bring all my food to work so I can’t eat more food by just walking into the kitchen. As such, weekends are a little more sketchy. I tend to overeat carbs when I’m tired and lazy, which frequently happens on the weekends (cereal being the most frequent victim).

This past weekend, Valentine’s Day and then our V-Day dinner last night (which was delicious and wonderful, BTW!) should have made out for a huge calorie blowout but I actually planned out my meals, controlled my hunger and kept active. So it was a lot better than it could have been.

Though I have still been counting calories every day in preparation for Mexico, I really want to go back to Intuitive Eating after the vacation. I’m sick of worrying about the calories in every single bit of food and staying under a certain limit. But I will say that it has helped me get an understanding of how much food I need each day, what portion sizes look like, and how much easier it is to eat 500 calories than it is to burn it off through exercise (or even to just cut it out of your diet!).

As far as our little n0-sweets deal, it has been going surprisingly well. There are those stressful days when we both long for chocolate (me) or a Mountain Dew pick-me-up (Travis). But I’d say we have stuck to the plan about 95%. Travis caved and had a pop a few weeks ago and then had some Girl Scout cookies today. I have had a few caramel lattes and frappucinos from Starbuck’s (though they were all skinny ones with no whip!)

In a way, I actually like having this deal going because then I have an excuse to say no when people offer me cookies and cake and candy at work. It’s a strange phenomenon that ladies on The Nest’s Health and Fitness board have observed: eating is a social thing. By turning down someone’s brownies, they somehow feel that you are turning them down as people. Like if you don’t want their chocolatey, gooey goodness, you don’t want to be their friend either.

I noticed this at my last job back in Minnesota. Every Monday, in order to encourage their employees to come to work on time (and let’s face it, come to work period), they would cater in donuts and bagels. Well, donuts pretty much have negative nutritional value and bagels are 300-400 calories of refined carbs that leave you hungry an hour later so needless to say, I always ate my breakfast at home.

Maybe it was their goodwill but I swear, because I was one of very few people who remained at their desk instead of racing to the door the minute the donuts were delivered, people went out of their way to make sure I knew the donuts had been delivered.

“Kathy, there are donuts in the kitchen.”

“Uh huh, thanks!”

“Kathy, did you know that the donuts are here?”

“Yep, thanks! I just don’t want one.”

“Kathy, did you get a donut? There aren’t many left in there!”

“No I didn’t get one but really, I’m O-K.”

Dare 2 Share is not immune to this…but then, I don’t know if any American corporate workplace is.

Anyway, I feel like because I have this deal with Travis, I finally have an acceptable excuse to not indulge every whim that comes along. Because wanting to be healthy and not each tons of extra empty calories is a silly thing for a girl like me to do, right?

Well, this post that was supposed to be short has turned into a post that is accidentally long. So I’m going to go to bed now!

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Ode to Mint Mojito

9 Feb

Besides being endlessly fun to say, this flavor of Orbit gum is amazing. I was a longtime fan of Peppermint in the dark blue packaging. But came to find that the mintyness didn’t bode well for my acid reflux (weird!!). So I had to give it up. I tried all of the fruity kinds. They were good but eh. Nothing amazing.

Then Travis bought Mint Mojito.

I had seen it in stores but steered clear of it because of the “mint” in its name (why would mint mojito be any different than peppermint?) Plus, I had had Mint Mojito flavored Bacardi Silver and it was…just ok. But I tried a piece of the gum and was delightfully surprised that the gum is more sweet than minty.

And let’s just be honest, it’s also fantastic.

I braved the 30 to 52 mph winds today just to buy Mint Mojito across the street at the gas station. I’ve looked at the grocery stores, Target, other gas stations. No one carries it. This is one of the biggest mysteries of the universe. Why on God’s green goodness would they NOT sell the BEST gum EVER?

It’s simply mindboggling.

But lucky for me, our neighborhood gas station stocks it regularly.

I love you, Mint Mojito gum.

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Suck.

3 Feb

That’s the only word I can think of to describe today.

It started off all right. I went over to my friend Carrie’s house this morning with a delicious, grande skinny caramel latte from Starbuck’s (my new favorite drink) and we had a good, encouraging chat about marriage and men.

But the good ended there.

I walked out of her house around 8:10 to go to work but was confronted with a car door that wouldn’t open. At first, I thought maybe I had gotten the seatbelt jammed or there was something stuck in the door that wasn’t letting it open all the way.

Oh, no. It was the actual door. Bent. Mangled. Deformed. Smashed.

Someone had backed into it and driven off.

I’m actually kinda proud of what I did next. Instead of just driving off and talking to Travis about it later, I called him because I thought maybe moving the car wasn’t such a great idea without first contacting our insurance company. After talking to Travis, I went back inside Carrie’s house and called the cops. I called work to let them know I would be in late. I called our insurance lady.

And then I waited 30 minutes for the cops to show up.

It took him 5 minutes to write up the report once he did show up. Then I was off to work, that is once I climbed into the driver’s seat from the passenger side.

Ah, work. What can I say about you? You are beyond standard words. Only choice words can describe you. Because honestly, you make me want to cry, gorge, scream, mope, rage, sigh, and slack all at the same time. Today I hated you. I’m not really expecting tomorrow to be any different. I’ll sit at my desk, alternating between boredom, rage, and joy.

But mostly just boredom and rage.

After a meeting with my boss and our marketing consultant, I wanted a donut with chocolate icing so badly. I think I might have one for breakfast tomorrow. Doesn’t that sound heavenly? I never eat donuts. I’m not supposed to now either, since we only eat sweets on Sundays.

But guess what? I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Whoops, did I just write that? 

I had a package of brownie bites instead of the donut because the gas station across the street from our office doesn’t have donuts. The brownie bites were a total letdown though–they definitely sounded better than they tasted.

But I either had to eat some chocolate or I had to leave. Drive off into the sunset, never to return (at least not to work). Oh how I wish I could be like Peter in Office Space and just say, “You know? I don’t feel like going to work today…so I don’t think I’m going to.”

I think I’ve figured out why I’m so frustrated and POed: I’m not in charge of anything. I don’t have a sandbox. I don’t have a concrete job description. Everyone around me has work and tasks coming out of their ears, eyes and nose. They pull all of my work out of their butts.

I’m sick of butt work.

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Ok, maybe it IS that bad…

2 Feb

Oh Friday workload, where did you go?

I’ve done about 1 hour of work today. That was the only hour of work I had to do.

This does not help me like my job more.

Travis is so right…anyone reading my last few blog posts can see how I flip-flop back and forth between loving my job and wanting a different one. Sooo frustrating.

Why can’t every day be like Friday?

Still 2 hours to go…with about 15 minutes of work in sight.

*Sigh.* It’s going to be a looooong week.

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Maybe it’s not so bad after all…

30 Jan

So a very strange thing happened to me today: I had a busy day at work. It was amazing! I had something to work on the whole day. (If you don’t know, that hasn’t happened for about the past month).

Not only was I busy, I…enjoyed it.

I’m choosing to believe that it’s not just a side effect of me staying home sick yesterday. Nor a side effect of me looking for jobs as an editor, journalist, writer, or publisher and finding zilch.

I’m choosing to believe that it’s because when I’m being utilized for a full 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I actually do enjoy my job. Marketing and media have always been interesting to me–that’s part of why I majored in Journalism.

Not finding any jobs in the area I’m interested in has also shown me that staying in my current job for the foreseeable future is probably the reality of my life right now. So I need to make the most of the job I have now, instead of bemoaning the fact that it’s not my “passion.” Sometimes I wonder if my discontentment is just selfish pride talking.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure it is.

Honestly, though, I’m thankful that I have a job, even if it has been a rocky road for the past couple of months. God gives good gifts to His children–and I’m choosing to believe that my job can be one of them.

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Torn.

28 Jan

Yesterday after work, while I was making some scrambled eggs and toast for dinner (my go-to when I do NOT feel like cooking dinner), Travis innocently asked me if I had looked for jobs at all.

I shot him a dirty look and said “No, I haven’t.” I then elaborated, “I don’t need a new job because things at work are picking up and I have stuff to do. Last week wasn’t bad.” 

“Well, all I know is that you flip-flop between liking your job and thinking you should look for a new job. You go back and forth. And looking for a new job doesn’t mean you’ll actually take one. Looking doesn’t hurt anything.”

I was frustrated. Though they are unfounded and over-the-top, thoughts like these were going through my head: 

“How dare he suggest that I should get a new job?”

“Why does it matter if I look for a new one?”

“The kind of job I want [journalist] isn’t a great field to be going into right now anyway.”

“I just need to see my current job through. Things are looking up. I have great opportunities there.”

And it’s true. Talking to my boss, I think that I have real opportunities here. He’s talked about me getting to write more for product and marketing pieces. He’s talked about me getting more involved in the creative design and strategy.

But right now, that’s all it is. Talk. None of these promised responsibilities have appeared and as a result, my motivation and interest in what I’m doing here has dropped below zero. I am a person who thrives on being challenged, on balancing a schedule, on being just a bit too busy. I can’t handle idleness…when I’m idle, even getting up to go to the bathroom seems like too much work. The more idle I am, the lazier I get. Not good.

So today, when I was just at the point of either going home sick or stuffing my face with the delicious dinner rolls sitting in the kitchen, I went outside. I walked around our building and across the street to the gas station for some gum (my new fave: Mint Mojito by Orbit). I walked back, the long way around, pondering.

Maybe I should look for another job. I’m obviously not operating out of my strengths right now. Let’s be honest, I’m not really operating anything right now. Sometimes I feel like I should wait it out, that the changes are still being made and plans are being finalized–maybe things will get better. Other times, though, I feel like I can’t take another day of this. Writing marketing copy is ok…but it isn’t my passion. It isn’t something that makes me say “I was born to do this.” And D2S isn’t known for its quick changes. Simple decisions have been known to take days, weeks…sometimes even months.

For the first time, I realize that I should be praying about what God wants me to do. I have been making this all about me, even in a way that appears religious. I thought, “I don’t want my reason for quitting to be that I’m not trusting the Lord.” But in the same way, I don’t want to stay because I’m not trusting the Lord. Whether I stay or go, it should be from faith. Faith that the Lord has a plan for my life and that nothing I do can thwart it. Faith that God has created me for a specific purpose and that He desires for me to use my gifts for His glory and the encouragement of His people.

Too often I confuse meditation with prayer. I think about things and consult the Bible, but I don’t consult God Himself. Despite my desire that my decisions honor God and show His significance in my life, I so often act independently and according to my own judgment and wisdom. No wonder I feel lost! So instead of immediately starting to browse job listings, I will fall on my knees before the Father and ask for Him to guide me, through the Holy Spirit, to where He wants me to be. 

And if He wants me to be right where I am, Amen.

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Pathetic little cold.

22 Jan

I think I’m getting sick. On Tuesday night, I started to get a sore throat. Yesterday my nose started to stuff up just slightly. Today was pretty much par until tonight when I got a headache and feel exhausted. I’m thinking that maybe aerobics tomorrow morning is out of the question (Fridays are tough so I have to be on top of my game to survive!)

I told my women’s group tonight that I’ve been asking God to either make me better or make me sick enough that I can justify staying home from work. 🙂 Then I could watch House all day long.

Glorious.

But then I realize I would only enjoy it for about 2 hours before wishing I was just better already. I am too active a person to lay on the couch all day long. Even back in July when we were just moving into our house and I went to the ER from work because I was having trouble breathing and my chest had stabbing pains (turned out I suffer from acid reflux!), I still helped paint the walls and trim and move our stuff the next day (never mind the fact that I couldn’t sleep at night because it hurt to lay down and I couldn’t bend over because it caused stabbing pains.) I’m tough.

But when it comes to work, let’s just be honest. Everyone needs a good sick day now and again. I mean, no one wishes for any serious illness of course. But a wimpy, day-long cold every now and then? Bring it on.

Then there’s the kind of cold I have–enough to wear me out but not enough to knock me out. In short, just annoying. Boo.

Ok, well I’m going to go to bed now in case I do feel well enough to go to aerobics. And if I don’t, I really hope I don’t feel well enough to go to work either. 🙂 Hey, it’s Friday. Can’t I dream a little?

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