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{9-month Update} 2025 Focus: Peace

8 Oct

I posted back in January that my focus for this year was PEACE. I wanted to strive for peace and not perfection, in my home, my homeschool, and my personal goals.

You know that saying, “When you pray for patience, God gives you situations you have to be patient in”? Well, that’s kind of been my reality this year. I’ve had many opportunities to practice choosing peace over perfection, and to be honest, I’ve kind of failed.

Not that I haven’t been trying. When the kids make yet another mess or pack yet another bag to go “camping” in our backyard with yet another blanket or towel that I will have to wash yet again, I really try to let it go. I really, really do. They’re having fun! They’re making memories! They’re playing outside, and together!

But when they have forts set up in the living room, and Barbies plus Barbie accessories strewn across the basement floor, and there are cups and bowls and wrappers everywhere, and they’ve brought toys outside and left them in the woods, I just reach a point where I’ve had ENOUGH!

Then I’m rampaging mommy. I’m bear-growling mommy. I’m eye-twitching, can’t-see-straight mommy. Peace has left the building.

It’s not about perfection, mind you. I don’t need my house or my kids or my homeschool to be perfect. But when it’s ALL a mess, I feel bitter and angry. The thoughts start going through my head, “Do they know how much time I have spent organizing these things so that they can find them? Then they just dump them all into a bag and haul it into the woods. Do I WANT to spend all my ‘free time’ putting crap back where it belongs? NO! But who else will do it? NO ONE!” I throw myself a pity party.

I was feeling like that just this past Sunday when (no lie) there were forts in my living room and Barbies in my basement. I wanted them to be put away (it had been a week), but the kids were aghast. “But then I won’t have a place to sell my newspaper! But I just set it up! But I’m planning to play with it tomorrow!”

::internal mommy growl::

I went and sat on the front porch feeling bitter and trapped and frustrated. But as I sat there, I realized something. If I truly want PEACE, it can’t be based on circumstances. It just can’t. There will ALWAYS be something in this life, big or small, to destroy my peace. My peace needs to rise above my circumstances.

I’ve also been seeing over the past several weeks how my lack of peace on a daily basis is a result of not trusting God. Instead of trusting Him, I seize control to make my agenda happen (like making sure all the homeschool boxes get checked no matter what), or I resent being forced to deal with an inconvenient or unpleasant situation (child peeing their pants at a park with no extra clothes).

But what if, when my feathers are ruffled, I recognized the reality of God with me? God’s presence to guide me into His purposes each moment, and to help me when those purposes are hard, unpleasant, and sooo far from what I would choose, trusting that “this God–His way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him” (Psalm 18:30).

I want to. “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41).

What prevents me from trusting God in those moments? Control. I read an awesome quote on Instagram the other day that just stopped me in my tracks:

“God can do far more with your surrender than you can do with your control.”

Wow.

I seize control because I think all these things are necessary, that they have to get done. Or I get so fed up with the interruptions to my plan, like kids fighting, being needy, or clogging the toilet again. But God can do more in me and in my life if I surrender to His plans, His agenda–aka all the things that happen in a day. “This thing is from Me” (1 Kings 12:24).

Another quote that has really challenged me during the last few weeks was from Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest: “The true expression of Christian character is not in good-doing, but in God-likeness.” As a mom of 4, I am constantly doing. And there is always more to do. My focus is very much on doing. But when I am doing things in an attempt to control my environment or schedule or kids, and not from a desire to be faithful to my role or to serve those around me, my doing is often accompanied by very un-God-like words or behaviors. So I may be getting things done, but at a terrible cost.

I have also been ruminating for the last several months on Isaiah 30:15, which says, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength.” The Easy-to-Read (ERV) translation says, “Only by remaining calm and trusting in me can you be strong.” In looking up that verse, I also came across Isaiah 32:17, “And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness quietness and trust forever.”

Sanctification — becoming like Christ, growing in righteousness — isn’t about following the rules better, or controlling your temper better, or living a life in a monastery so that you have fewer temptations, opportunities, or causes to sin. It’s a deepening TRUST in God — in what He allows and ordains. The tantrum in the grocery store. The spilled beverage as you’re running out the door. The continued sibling squabbles. The kid who won’t sleep in their own bed or past 6:30 AM.

Peace is inextricably linked to trust in God. You can’t have true peace without trusting in God. Because true peace comes from depending on the Author and Creator of the Universe to do and be who He has promised to do and be for you: All Things. He’s got it. “He who has called you is faithful; He will surely do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

What does trusting in God look like? The verses and sayings I quoted above describe it: Quietness. Remaining calm. Enjoying periods of rest. Prioritizing God-likeness. Surrendering. Having PEACE.

And sometimes trusting in God looks like ignoring those living room forts and going for a run instead.

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Peace {2025 Focus}

25 Jan

Last year, my word was Cultivate. Similar to 2023 when I chose Thirst as my word of the year, my desires and inspiration for Cultivate were only partially met over the course of the year.

We had some house projects planned for last year, but we didn’t get to all of them. We patched and repainted our staircase (to get rid of dings and scrapes from the kids). We added a backsplash to the kitchen (and it took us waaaay longer to decide on the tile than I ever thought it would), and repainted the walls in there (deciding on the colors for the walls also took waaaay longer than I thought it would). But we didn’t finish repainting the upstairs, or work on our outdoor firepit patio at all.

As for my personal habits (daily quiet time, exercise, and water intake), those remained unmet. Y’all, the season of young kids is HAAAAARRRRRD. We were majorly spoiled by our third child — our son, Corbin — who loved sleeping, and actually preferred to sleep on his own. Our fourth, Neola, has been the complete opposite. She wanted to be held for naps when she was a baby, wanted to me to sleep in her bed (and she nursed during the night) until she was 2.5, and even now, when she’s 3.5, I more often than not end up in her bed sometime between 1 and 4 a.m.

Neola is also in the stage of what I like to call naptime purgatory, where she needs a nap, but she doesn’t need a nap. She fights going down for a nap, and when she does actually take one, she doesn’t want to go to bed until 10 pm, but if she doesn’t take a nap, she’s a mess and falls asleep in a chair at 5 p.m. without eating any dinner. Ugh!

On top of that, my husband had an extremely stressful job in 2023. He started at a new job in April 2024, and while the job change involved a pay cut, he is no longer stressed out beyond belief, and has a lot more flexibility, which has led to a MUCH better work/life balance. Having a fourth child in 2021 and homeschooling, with a husband who worked a lot and was always stressed, led to both of us feeling behind on 1,000 things, and we are still digging out of that, but every day is better than the one before. This past Friday, I woke up feeling absolutely exhausted and couldn’t shake out of the fog for the first half of the day, and my husband pointed out how far we’ve come, because I used to wake up feeling like that a lot, he said.

All that to say, I still have the same personal goals as years past. Specifically, spending at least 15 minutes in quiet time with God a day, 20 minutes outside (during winter), 30 minutes of quality time with my kids, exercising for at least 20 minutes 3 times a week, and drinking at least 64 oz of water a day. So far this year, some days it has been surprisingly easy to get all that in, some days it has been frustratingly hard, but the majority of days, I do most, but not all of those things. It’s like I have spots for 4 things, but not all 5, and if I make room for one thing, another gets pushed off.

Which leads me to my word for this year: PEACE. When striving for personal goals, I seem to have two extremes: demanding my needs get met at others’ expense, or giving up and not having goals. It takes so. much. faith. in God to be intentional with open hands! To pursue goals but also be gracious when life happens. It ultimately comes down to, do I trust God to provide for and sustain me? Or do I seize control through these things to provide for myself? If my goal and focus was PEACE and not checking off my list, my personal goals would not be ends in themselves, but the means of helping me live peacefully.

I also have to be honest here and say that while my household runs fairly smoothly with routine and chores, it is often the opposite of peaceful. And a lot of that has to do with me and my attitude. I often feel angry and bitter over the lack of control I have over my own schedule (leading to the lack of fulfilled personal goals). I get mad at interruptions during homeschooling, I react impulsively during tantrums or fights while I’m doing chores or making meals, I say words I regret when my kids demonstrate impatience or ingratitude. Sometimes I feel like my household is a whitewashed tomb — having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

A few sayings and verses that inspired me to choose PEACE as my word for this year:

  • The goal is peace, not perfection.
  • Gratitude turns what we have into enough.
  • “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah 26:3).
  • “Any problem that comes between God and myself is the result of disobedience. Any problem that comes while I obey God (and there will be many), increases my overjoyed delight, because I know that my Father knows and cares, and I can watch and anticipate how He will unravel my problems” (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Dec 14).

I want to prioritize PEACE and not perfection. Peace, not a perfectly done homeschool day. Peace, not a perfectly tidied or cleaned house. Peace, not a perfectly followed schedule or routine. I can trust in God’s timing and in God’s provision. I can faithfully pursue physical, spiritual, mental, and relational health, knowing that ultimately, my greatest need is God Himself, and He will prove Himself faithful.

“He who has called you is faithful; He will surely do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

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Cultivate {2024 Focus}

14 Jan

It has been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything on this blog. I’ve thought about it, but hobby time is still pretty hard to come by these days, and honestly, I’m going through a rough patch, and haven’t really had the words to post here.

As one does at the end of one year and the start of another, I’ve been thinking back over 2023 and projecting into 2024. Last year, my focus was Thirst: wanting to find time for more joy-inspiring, cup-filling activities, and not spending my labor on that which does not satisfy. I thought 2023 would be a stepping stone back onto the path of getting time and energy to do the things we enjoyed. And it was partly that. We did do more things, like camping. And after hemming and hawing over social media, I finally landed on the conviction that less is more for me, and pretty much stopped posting.

But mostly 2023 was a year of continuing to thirst. Of still yearning for more balance and less stress. Travis and I still have not found that “happy medium”, that “new normal”, after Baby #4 — and she’s over 2.5 years old. Well, I should say, we have found a new rhythm, but it’s a rhythm that has involved all margin and “free time” pushed off the table. It’s a rhythm that we aren’t ok with, and don’t want, but aren’t sure how to fix or make different.

That frustration has impacted my marriage, too. When two people are drowning, they can’t help each other. For the first time in 16 years, I found myself specifically choosing to not tell my husband how I really felt, because I knew that it would only cause him to spiral. But you can only keep secrets like that inside for so long before it starts to rot you at the core, so the feelings would spew out eventually, not kindly or timely.

So honestly, when the calendar changed to January 1, the last thing I wanted to do was make hopeful intentions for 2024. I’ve been disenchanted. It seems the only way to stop being disappointed by life is to stop hoping, to stop trying. If you have no expectations, they can’t be unmet, right?

But God. Even though I have not made daily time with Him a priority in a LONG time (really, I have no excuse, but lack of hobby time and a sleep-needy toddler are definitely the main reasons), He continues to meet me. He speaks to my soul. He reminds me of truth.

Truth like Psalm 23:4 — “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I do not have to fear, because God is with me.

Truth like 2 Peter 1:3 — “For His divine power has bestowed on us [absolutely] everything necessary for [a dynamic spiritual] life and godliness, through true and personal knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.” Like in Psalm 23:1 — “The LORD is my shepherd; I lack nothing.” I am able to live a godly life in these circumstances, with these people, because God has given me everything I need in Christ.

Truth like this from a recent BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) lecture: “Instead of starting with what you know and getting hung up on what you don’t know, start with what you don’t know, and end on what you do know.” I don’t know how we’re going to make it through this, but I know God will provide for us. I don’t know what God is doing here, but I do know that God is good, loving, and always has a purpose.

So even though my sinful, weak human flesh wants to wallow in self-pity, throw my hands up, and say “2024 is a lost cause”, God won’t let me. He gives me hope when I have lost hope.

As such, my focus for 2024 is going to be Cultivate, which means “to prepare or use (for crops or gardening) or to try to acquire or develop (a quality, sentiment, or skill).” Bible verses for inspiration are:

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!” (Psalm 126:5)

“Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:5)

“Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.” (2 Corinthians 9:6)

I really want to cultivate healthy and helpful habits in my life, things that I used to prioritize and love, but just haven’t figured out how to consistently fit in my life since Neola was born. Mainly, I’m thinking about a daily quiet time, exercise 3-4 times a week, and drinking water every day instead of just coffee (though coffee is definitely NOT going away!).

The word Cultivate also involves some house projects we’re hoping to accomplish this year. During the winter months here, we’re hoping to repaint our upstairs living room, hallway, stairwell, main bathroom, and kitchen, as well as add a backsplash. The kids have just dominated all the walls after living here for almost 10 years! We are also going to change the color scheme in the kitchen, since it was the previous owners who painted it the color it is.

We’d also like to make some progress on the room that is currently Travis’ office. Right before Neola was born, we added a wall in our basement to make a fifth bedroom (it totally should’ve been a bedroom, but whoever finished the basement left it as a bar/pool table area). The side of the wall facing the living room is finished with weathered hardwood, but the side in the office is still just sheetrock. The electrical wiring for that room, though, needs some major work because it is totally wonky (from the previous owners), so that is the next step, and we’re hoping my dad will come help with it. 😉

This spring and summer, we’re hoping to make a permanent fire pit area on the side of our house, overlooking the river. Last summer, Travis cut the brush, tilled it, and planted a combination of clover and grass there, so it’s all ready for us to get to work. I’m really looking forward to having a cozy, comfortable fire pit area with furniture that we can just leave outside! (Our old fire pit was right on the edge of the yard, and surrounded by grass, so we had to sit on camping chairs and put them away all the time for mowing. Lame!)

I will close with Psalm 19:14 as a prayer for 2024: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.”

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Choosing Joy Instead of Control

3 Feb

As I write this, duffel bags stuffed full sit in piles around my living room floor. My kids have been wiling away these below-zero Minnesota days playing “Airport.” Unopened packages of diapers and wipes, baby dolls, and papers with ticket numbers and gate designations are also strewn haphazardly throughout our entire main level. A mound of pillows and blankets rises up from the bottom of the stairs (not related to the Airport game), and the kitchen counter is covered in watercolor paint.

These are the remnants of a homeschool day.

I verbally and intellectually assent to one of the benefits of homeschooling being time to play, time to imagine. And I do truly believe that. But this mess, this is the price. The price I never really want to pay. As a person whose personality has always been “A place for everything, and everything in its place,” the sweeping and unnecessary removal of things from their places seems brazen, reckless, and draining. “But all of that was where it belonged!!” I fume.

And they don’t just limit the stuff they put into bags (so. many. bags.) to their own stuff. They also bag up pantry food, bogart dish towels and plastic plates, and temporarily relocate Mommy’s Decorations.

It’s a fact that my kids’ abilities and propensities to create elaborate worlds (I want to say messes, but they really are deliberate schemes) that involve a lot of stuff far, far, far outstrips their energy and willingness to put all that stuff away. I really don’t think they are unique in that regard. As a 1 on the Enneagram, this is where my inner critic pipes up and says, “And you put away too many toys for them! You let them get away with too much! They should be forced to pick up ALL of their worlds/messes themselves. If they were, perhaps they wouldn’t make such big messes.”

Thanks inner critic, that’s very… unhelpful.

We do require our kids to help clean up. They each have a nightly chore.

But like I said, the mess is bigger than their willingness to clean, and my willingness to force them. (Plus, I secretly really enjoy putting things away, but that’s beside the point.)

These messes drive me kind of batty, like eye-twitching batty. I hate messes. I hate things being out of place. I am the person who walks by the bookshelf on the way to the bathroom, or to get a cup of coffee, and stops just to shift a decoration over half an inch, so that it’s exactly “where it should be.”

Needless to say, having four kids and homeschooling* while trying to keep a clean, tidy house is an exercise in futility.

Even as I write those words, I can imagine all the moms out there on the other side of the internet reading my words and sighing exasperatedly, “No, it’s not futile!” Whether they’re saying that from the position of having conquered the house messes, or from being unwilling to wave the white flag in their quest for the tidy house, I’m not sure. Maybe a little of both?

Tonight, I started down the familiar ruts of throwing toys around (if they break, I throw them away without remorse) and venting at my kids about the messes they make but don’t clean up, but I knew — the Spirit reminded me — that that was not how I wanted to act. So I took a breather. I stood out in my 33-degree garage in the dark, praying to God.

He reminded me that “My kids are more important than a clean house.”

I could think of so many objections, so many qualifications. But my personality…! But they need to learn…! But they are being…!

No. No excuses. No buts.

If I truly want healing, if I truly want wholeness, if I truly want peace, I have to do things God’s way.

I have to do things God’s way.

I hate to admit that God’s way is quite a bit different than how I have been handling these messes. In this struggle and tension, I am often reminded of the amazing quote from Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts:

“I’m blind to joy’s well every time I really don’t want it. The well is always there. And I choose not to see it. Don’t I really want joy? Don’t I really want the fullest life? For all my yearning for joy, longing for joy, begging for joy–is the bald truth that I prefer the empty dark? Prefer drama? Why do I lunge for control instead of joy? Is it somehow more perversely satisfying to flex control’s muscle? Ah–power–like Satan. Do I think Jesus-grace too impotent to give me the full life?”

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I lunge for control instead of joy.

So tonight, after regrouping and praying, I came out of the garage, dried my tears, walked past all the messes, gave my kids hugs, told them I loved them, and apologized for yelling at them. I told them that they were more important than the messes, than a clean house.

And I want to live there, whether it be amidst messes or amidst a semi-tidy house.

I want to choose joy, instead of control. Connection over cleanliness.

(*I add homeschooling because when our kids attended public school and were gone for the whole school day, it was very different. It was still busy, still challenging, but there was much less house mess to contend with.)

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Thirst {2023 Focus}

14 Jan

Last year, my “word for the year” was Hope, and it was sooooo applicable, and helpful, and I probably reminded myself to Hope in God and Not Give Up at least once a day, if not multiple times a day. Because it was a haaaaaaarrrrrrrrddddddd year. Like, the hardest of my life. Not the hardest in the sense that any one thing really hard happened — for example, not like the year my mom died, or the year I had a miscarriage, or the year I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. But hard in the sense that Travis and I were both stretched beyond our limits, every day, without reprieve. A quote from Madame Hohlakov in The Brothers Karamazov says it well, “What’s killing me is no one thing in particular… but everything together, that’s what is too much for me.”

It wasn’t just having a fourth child, or just that she slept (and still sleeps) terribly at night, or that she wouldn’t (and still won’t) nap on her own, or that my preschooler was (and still is) stubborn and contrarian, or that my husband works from home while we also homeschool, or that we homeschool period, or that my husband’s job was really stressful (for the last several years), or that our fourth child needed surgery for Hip Dysplasia and then to be in cast and a rhino brace for four months. It was all. of. it. together.

But we are, finally, starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Neola is out of the rhino brace during the day and started walking right before Christmas. She can handle the stairs now, so we took our stair gate down. Corbin has grown a lot in preschool since September, and can now actually sit through an entire church service (which he has done twice!). Emma and Annabelle are learning how to make basic meals like quesadillas and mac & cheese in the kitchen, and often include Corbin very well in their play, which is especially helpful when I’m holding Neola for a nap. So the kids are gaining independence and getting easier to manage on the whole.

A consistent struggle our family still has, though, is dealing with messes. Because we homeschool, we are home. A LOT. And things get messy. Fast. We are still following the routines I mentioned in a previous post, but there’s still so much stuff to deal with on a daily basis—toys, hair brushes, dirty dishes, water cups, laundry, papers from preschool and church, winter gear! I decluttered and organized a bunch last year. And we changed our Christmas gift-giving this year to decrease the amount of new toys received. But we still struggle!

My order-loving personality thinks that true happiness would be found if I could just once and for all solve the problem of house messes and clutter. I thrive in a tidy, peaceful, welcoming, cozy environment. But trying to keep the chaos at bay in a house of four young kids while homeschooling makes me feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going in circles.

So when thinking about what I wanted for this year, I really wanted to choose a word like Tidy, Order, or Predictable. I’ve been yearning, desiring, thirsting for more order, balance, peace—less mess, confusion, stress. But I knew choosing a word like that would be missing the point. True, lasting, deep-seated happiness isn’t found in a clean, tidy house (and a clean, tidy house isn’t realistic anyway!).

I thought about what was beneath those urges and yearnings, and realized it was a thirst for more. Last year, I had a lot of desires and wishes that I didn’t have the ability (energy/time/hands) to carry out. I am so thirsty to engage with more of life.

As I thought and prayed about the word Thirst, God brought these verses from Isaiah 55 to mind:

Isaiah 55:1-3

The Compassion of the LORD

    [1] “Come, everyone who thirsts,
        come to the waters;
    and he who has no money,
        come, buy and eat!
    Come, buy wine and milk
        without money and without price. 
    [2] Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
        and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
    Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
        and delight yourselves in rich food. 
    [3] Incline your ear, and come to me;
        hear, that your soul may live;
    and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
        my steadfast, sure love for David.

Everyone who thirsts…

That’s me.

He who has no money…

That’s also me, bringing nothing to the table.

Come to the waters! Come, buy and eat!

God provides generously, abundantly, compassionately, intentionally, initiatively.

Why do you spend… your labor for that which does not satisfy?

That’s a good question. I don’t want to spend my labor on that which doesn’t satisfy. God, show me how to not waste my energy, time, attention, moments.

Listen diligently to me… incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live.

God, it is Your ways that lead to life. Help me choose Your ways over mine. Help me prioritize prayer more this year, in my own walk, in my homeschool, with my husband, and in our family. I want to listen diligently.

Thirst.

This year, I want to thirst for the better thing. If something isn’t serving me well, or increasing my thirst for God, His Kingdom, and eternity, out it goes! I have finite time — I need to use it wisely on the things that satisfy.

To that end, I have made changes to my social media habits. I took the month of December off from Instagram and Facebook almost completely, and I am not planning to reinstall the apps on my phone. I can view the sites in a web browser, but it’s kind of a pain, so it’s not as enjoyable to scroll. I also am not posting to my stories any more, will only post to my wall (or whatever you call it) about once a week, and I unfollowed almost all accounts of people I don’t know in real life. I do better in my own life with less social media.

I have also already used my focus word when deciding between chores and family fun. One night, we decided to go on a flashlight hike in our neighborhood after dinner. (It actually ended up being the night of the full moon in January, which was super cool, and meant we didn’t really need flashlights!) Going on the hike meant that the house didn’t get tidied up like normal, but I thought about the verse, “Why do you spend your labor on that which does not satisfy?” Needless to say, I chose memories over routine. And it was amazing! One of my favorite memories with the kids of all time.

I’m excited to see what God has in store for us on 2023. I also hope it involves a little—make that a lot—more sleep.

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Learning Some New Things

19 Nov

To follow up my last post about relearning the same old things, I thought I’d share a couple of the new things I’ve been learning over the past six months or so.

Bad Days Don’t Have to Turn into Existential Crises

Recently, all my kids (9, 7, 4, 18 months) sat through a church service with minimal drama or chaos. I was pleasantly surprised. This past week, I planned out meals Sunday night, picked up a Walmart order on Monday, and we had non-frozen-pizza dinners the whole week. Bedtime on Monday night with my husband gone actually went really smoothly. Our three older kids all share a bedroom right now (their choice); I nursed Neola in the chair in the room while singing songs, and everyone zonked.

But these things don’t mean that I am a great mom or that I have it all together — mostly it just means that the stars have aligned, and things have fallen together in such a way as to work out swimmingly. Case in point: Bedtime Tuesday night (with my husband still gone) was a total cluster. Same mom, same kids, different outcome.

Sure, there are some routines and preparations that have gone into those situations, but any parent knows that you can prepare or you can not prepare; you can teach or you can not teach; you can do your darnedest or you can wing it; and you really have no control over the outcome. Because your kids are their own persons, and they have their own experiences and factors going into every and any situation.

Sometimes things go really well.

And sometimes they just don’t.

It was fairly easy for me to learn that just because a certain situation worked out well didn’t mean that I was super mom. No sooner had I had thoughts like that than one of the kids threw a tantrum or hit their sibling, and it was painfully obvious that no, indeed, I am NOT super mom with angelic children that I have perfectly raised.

But it has taken me longer, much longer, to learn that those bad days, those stressful situations, also don’t mean that I am a bad mom, with bad kids. Carrying a screaming child out of a store because I told them I wouldn’t buy them a toy, or having a child wander off in church or a store and be brought back by a helpful but slightly judgmental adult, or losing my sh!t on my kids while they fight about who gets to play “delivery” with the groceries we just bought while the toddler is screaming full-bore — any and all of these situations threaten to prove to me my worst fears: I am a bad mom; I can’t handle my kids, let alone homeschooling; other moms are way better at this job than I am; and why did God entrust me with these souls?

But bad days or stressful situations do not have to turn into existential crises. Just like the parenting triumphs, they can be viewed as circumstantial. Like the saying, “Bad days don’t make bad moms,” stressful situations and bad days don’t need to be interpreted in the light of who I am or my worth as a person/mom. Having a rough homeschooling day where we did not even scratch the surface of what we needed to get done because of kids with bad or whiny attitudes, or mom’s own meltdown, often tempts to me wonder, “WHY am I homeschooling? How did I think I could handle this? These kids would be better off in school.” But a bad day doesn’t mean that the lifestyle you’re living is the wrong one for you. A bad day means a bad day. Period. Get up the next day and try again.

And for the love of Pete, don’t make any big decisions about your life while you’re having a bad day! Do something that makes you laugh or takes your focus off how frustrating things are. Get your kids outside. Watch a funny show. Take a nap with the baby. Then, when you’re in a better place and mood, if your lifestyle choices really are the wrong ones for you, God will reveal that to you then. Things always look worse at night and in the throes of a bad day.

Do the Hard Work of Healing

It’s hunting season here in Minnesota, which has been the annual nadir of my mental health since my husband is an avid hunter. I’ve blogged about that here and here. My husband and I joke (but it’s not a joke) that hunting is a four-letter word in our household. I have a love/hate relationship with hunting. I love that my husband has a hobby that he really enjoys, and that provides fresh, wild game meat for our family (95% of what we eat for red meat). But I hate that it takes him away from the family on top of his full-time job, for hours and often days at a time.

I have prayed and prayed about this issue, asking God to help me have an encouraging, positive attitude about his hunting. But year after year, I feel the familiar grip of bitterness and resentment. Back in 2016, this feeling led to me getting a part-time job. I thought that having something outside the house would help me better deal with being “stuck” alone with child duty for what felt days upon days. And it did… somewhat. It also added stresses and challenges of its own. (A big reason why I think moms, whether they work in the home, work from home, or work outside the home, all have unique challenges and hardships! None is on the whole easier or harder — they’re just easy and hard in different ways.)

Now I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mama to four, and I can honestly say that I really enjoy all this time with my kids. Do I love every moment? Absolutely not. Do I love the constant messes (when your kids are here all. the. time., the messes!!), the whininess, the juggling, the constant at-home-ness? Not always. But it is worth it in so many ways.

Nevertheless, it has increased the challenge of my husband being gone hunting. As I was praying about this issue again this fall, God brought to mind the story of the paralyzed man lying by the waters of Bethesda (recorded in John 5:1-15). This scene was powerfully portrayed in the show The Chosen. “Do you want to be healed?” Jesus asked the man. “Do you want to be healed?” God was asking me.

So often, we want deliverance from a hard situation, but we are clinging to certain things that hold us back. We cling to excuses, lies, and fears. In the case of hunting season, I had an expectation of what it would look like for God to deliver me from my bitterness and resentment. And when He didn’t do that, I wondered why He was allowing me to continue to struggle with this year after year. Would it always be this way in our marriage? (Which led to the slippery slope of, “Doesn’t my husband care about our marriage? Why would he continue in a hobby that causes so much strife?”)

This year, there were two specific instances when I was on the verge (and even sliding over the edge) of a self-pity breakdown. I went to God in prayer, and wrestled with the truths He had given me through my recent Bible study. In my mom-dazed brain, I honestly cannot even remember what specifically they were right now! But the gist was that if I really wanted to be free from this struggle, if I really wanted to get well, then I had to do things God’s way. And doing things God’s way in this situation was letting go of all the excuses and justifications I had for why hunting season was so hard and overwhelming; trusting God to supply every thing I needed as I needed it; and support my husband in hunting with a positive attitude.

Have I done this perfectly? No. Well? Probably not. But I have made progress. It has been a personal sacrifice to support my husband in hunting. But I think the difference this year is that the sacrifice was made for God, not for my husband. But in submitting to God first and foremost, I have also been enabled to submit to and support my husband.

(Lest you get the wrong impression, part of our continued journey in figuring out how we can incorporate hunting into our family life in a healthy manner is also figuring out how I can get more regular breaks from the kids to do things that bring me joy. Hence why I am in a coffee shop right now typing this post!)

If you are reading this, I encourage you to look at a challenging situation in your life and honestly ask yourself, Do you want to be healed? Are you willing to do the hard work of healing? Are you willing to do things God’s way, despite any excuses or justifications to the contrary you might have? God’s ways are always best.

“This God — his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him” (Psalm 18:30).

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Relearning the Same Old Things

17 Nov

Do you ever feel like you keep learning the same lessons over and over again? Like you have a certain struggle, pray about it, journal about it, and finally have an “aha” moment, only to discover some time later than you had actually learned that same lesson six months earlier?

Just me?

It happens to me all the time. Just tonight, I was going through old files in my Dropbox account, and read a gem from 2014. Here’s the context:

“The first 3 months of the year were spent getting our house [in Denver] ready to sell, selling it, and moving 1,000 miles. The next 3 months were spent living with Travis’ parents while Travis worked, studied for an engineering exam and we found a house. For the next 3 months, Travis worked long hours and traveled a ton, while Emma and I unpacked, visited family and friends, and got settled into a routine. These last 3 months have continued the trend of Travis working a lot (50-60 hours/week at home; 60-70 when traveling), which means he’s often unavailable on weeknights and weekends. He feels spread too thin in every area of life and I feel like we never see him. He feels hounded and I feel bitter. Additionally, we’re still feelings the effects of moving to a new place, and the time it takes to settle in and feel ‘at home’.”

Emma (1.5 years old at the time) was also dealing with tantrums, refusing to nap without being held, and fighting going to bed at night. We had to bring our two dogs outside on leashes because we didn’t have an in-ground fence installed yet. And my mom had been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and given 2-3 years to live (she died in February 2016, about 14 months after I first wrote these words).

This is what I want to make sure has a spot on the blog, (because I do come back and re-read blog posts often, to remind myself of all the truths I’ve learned, and need to relearn!):

{originally written November 2014, some minor edits made November 2022}

I was just reminded of Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 11, where he lists all the trials he has endured as a servant of Christ. At the end of them, he says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It takes faith to believe that Christ’s grace is sufficient. Because in the face of my current trials, it honestly does not feel sufficient. My trials feel a lot bigger. My endurance and hope feel small, growing weaker by the day, and I find myself wallowing in self-pity.

But that’s because I’m focused on my own ability, my own sufficiency. “How can I handle this? How can I make it through this?” Paul welcomed the opportunity to realize his complete and utter lack. He knew that his need, fully and frankly acknowledged, would open the door for
Christ’s glory and sufficiency to be displayed.

Notice how Paul doesn’t deny his weaknesses, or the difficulty of his situation. He’s not living in LaLaLand or completely immune to his suffering. But he also doesn’t go to the place of self-pity. He retains his hope and determination because of Christ’s power in him.

So instead of self-pity, my response to trials can be one of realism and humility. I can still acknowledge that the situation is hard, but instead of my joy hinging on the need to feel capable in and of myself, or having the circumstances change for the better, I can sit in the feeling of need, and the hard situation, and humble myself at Christ’s feet.

Hard things happen in life. Hard things are made even harder when I refuse to look for and see the good. When I refuse to offer God the sacrifice of thanksgiving, I destroy my own joy with my selfishness, greed, discontentment and impatience. It is not circumstances that bring happiness – it is my reaction to those
circumstances.

And that’s where the supernatural, transforming power of the Spirit comes in. I am incapable of making the sacrifice of thanksgiving without God
enabling me. Like Ann Voskamp says, “Ingratitude was the fall — humanity’s discontent with all that God freely gives.” My natural bent is ingratitude. In my natural state, I only tell God that “It’s not enough” and “This isn’t what I
want.”

I have to admit, some days, in my sinfulness I’d rather have my own plans realized than find joy in accepting what God allows. But it is a losing battle to fight against the circumstances of life. If I truly want joy, I must instead fight against my ego, my pride, my selfishness, my impatience, my expectations, my demands, and my standards. I must even fight my dreams and desires, because all I am must be surrendered at the foot of the Cross. And regardless of when or how I am made weak, I can trust God to meet me with His strength.

“O my Strength, I will watch for you, for you, O God, are my fortress. My God in his steadfast love will meet me; God will let me look in triumph on
my enemies.” Psalm 59:9-10

“Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.” Psalm 34:10b

“Steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.” Psalm 32:10b

“The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God!” Psalm 50:23

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Thoughts on Marriage After 15 Years

1 Jul

Do you, Kathy, take Travis to be your husband, your partner in life and your one true love; will you trust him, respect him, laugh with him and cry with him; loving him faithfully through the good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles you may face together? Do you give your hand, your heart, and your love, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?

On my wedding day, I answered “I do” to that question.

After 15 years, I still do.

But it’s not without sacrifice. On your wedding day, you acknowledge that the future may not be all sunshine and rainbows, but you have no idea what that will entail, and honestly, you are so in love with your new spouse, it’s hard to imagine a time when your marriage vows could be put to the test.

But in the 15 years Travis and I have been married, our vows have been tested. In every conflict and season of bad times, we have been faced with the question: were we serious about the promise we made that day?

The truth is that there are times when you don’t like your spouse. When you feel like there’s no possible way you two could be any different. When their quirks and idiosyncrasies drive you up the wall.

Many in our world hold themselves apart from their spouses, and when things get hard and their love grows cold, they cut bait and move on.

God willing, Travis and I won’t. We will continue to go to battle for our marriage. Whenever we find ourselves fighting against each other, and not for each other, we will regroup. We will humble ourselves, have the vulnerable conversations, and be willing to sacrifice and change for the good of the other.

And it is a battle. There is a spiritual war going on in every Christian household, with Satan and his demons trying to destroy, or at least disarm, the powerful picture of Christ and His church that is marriage. Satan wants the husband to pursue his own interests at the expense of his wife and family. He wants the wife to disrespect and mock her husband behind his back. He wants disunity in parenting decisions. He wants lack of intimacy. He wants two people who pass like ships in the night, orchestrating a chaotic life, with neither love nor friendship between them.

So Travis and I cannot be content with drifting apart. We can’t just focus on other things and let it happen. At the first hint of distance and disunity, we have to take action. We must apologize and admit, when the other confronts us with ways we’ve wounded and harmed. We must swallow our pride and insults. We have to refuse to bring up the past in begrudging ways. We have to choose to believe that the other person is sincere in their love and desire to change. We need to be willing to learn and grow from our mistakes, or to at least try imperfectly to do things differently. We must extend grace to the other person when they fail again.

Those things are not easy to do. In fact, they are the very opposite of easy. They are the hardest work. Fighting for my marriage requires fighting against my natural human instincts of self-righteousness and pride, of feeling justified and without blame. I must be able to admit when I’m wrong, and to see my husband’s side. Even when I think I’m right, I must be willing to allow that I could be wrong…

Because I am a sinner just like my spouse.

And that is really what it all comes down to. Do I really believe that I am a sinner, in need of a Savior? That I am just as much to blame for the problems in my marriage as my husband is? Maybe even more so? Do I believe that I am hopeless and helpless without the intervention of God in my life?

Or do I grumble against my husband, focusing on what he should be doing differently? “If only he had a daily quiet time… If only he worked less… If only he put his tools away… If only his dirty socks were taken off right-side-out… If only he contributed to household chores more… If these things were done my way, we wouldn’t have an issue. Therefore, my husband is the problem.”

I confess that I am often tempted to think that way. But he could say the same about me. “If only she didn’t care so much about the house being clean… If only she didn’t let the kids watch so much screen time… If only she didn’t buy the kids so many treats and toys… If only she gave me more physical affection and intimacy… If only she supported me more in my hobbies and time away… If these things were done my way, we wouldn’t have an issue. Therefore, my wife is the problem.”

This way of thinking will destroy a marriage if left unchecked. Like John Piper illustrated in one of his marriage sermons, when we discover that the landscape of our marriage is littered with cow-pies (all our problems and tensions and disagreements), we must get out our pitchfork and scoop all the cow-pies into a pile. We don’t pitch our tent in the middle of, or even next to, the cow-pie pile. We go find a clean area, no matter how small. That’s where we pitch our tent and live our lives. When we have to revisit the cow-pies, we will. But we will not live there.

Practically speaking, that means that I have to practice gratitude and focus on the positives. What does my spouse do right? How does he communicate love and commitment? He might be showing love and respect in a way I don’t recognize. Even if it’s not my love language, I can affirm what he is doing, while also respectfully reminding him of what does make me feel love and respected.

Finding a clean area free of cow-pies means finding some way to have positive interactions with my spouse. If all we talk about when we’re together are stressful things like work and parenting decisions, or if the only time we see each other is when the chaos of home life is bombarding us, no wonder we’re having a hard time!

Not living next to the cow-pies also means that I lay down my demand that things be the way I want them to be. If I get mad at my husband every time I’m doing laundry and have to flip his socks right-side-out, I’m living next to the cow-pies. If I rehearse over and over in my mind a careless word he spoke to me without bringing it up with him, I’m living next to the cow-pies. If I am angry and bitter at him for saying he wants to do something differently, or for making a different parenting decision than I would have made, I am living next to the cow-pies.

So I must believe that I am a sinner just like my spouse, and be willing to admit that just because something is my way doesn’t automatically make it the right way. Humility is willing to admit fault and to change.

On the flip side, do I also believe that because Jesus died for me and I now have the Holy Spirit, I am empowered to change? That I am not captive to my personality or habits? That God is able to grow my spouse and me together, and bridge our chasm of differences (or at least use our differences together in a divine balance).

As Christians, we should never say, “That’s just the way I am” or “I can’t change.” We can recognize that we have unique personalities determined by God, but we must submit even our personalities to God and allow Him to sanctify them. That means we have natural tendencies, but we can fight against them if they are causing sin or strife in our lives.

In my own life, I have long struggled with anger. When I am hurt or sad, I don’t cry or mope; I get mad. When I feel overwhelmed and flustered, I get irritable and impatient. When I am tired and clumsy, I get frustrated. When I am too hot or too hungry or have to pee really bad, I get angry.

But does that mean my anger is ok? “It’s just the way God made me.” No, it does not mean that it’s ok. The way God created me does not give me license to sin. I must be willing to place my whole self on the altar, to allow the Spirit’s sanctifying power to cleanse all of me — my quirks, my interests, my strengths, my weaknesses, my hobbies, my tendencies — ALL of me.

Marriage has revealed so many layers of sinfulness in my heart over the years, and often the process of sanctification seems incredibly slow. Like, so slow that I seriously wonder if anything is even happening. But I cling to the promise in 1 Thessalonians 5:24 regarding sanctification that “He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.” He WILL change me!! As I look back on 15 years of marriage, I see how He HAS changed me. I’ve matured and deepened in my faith and in my relationship with Travis. So often it didn’t feel like I was growing. But the Spirit was indeed at work. The key is to keep pressing forward, and keep desiring to change. Like A.W. Tozer says in The Pursuit of God:

“Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy `acceptance’ from the real work of God. We must insist upon the work being done. We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of self-crucifixion.”

The promise of 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 is so great that I’ll quote it again to end this post (using the Phillips translation):

“May the God of peace make you holy through and through. May you be kept in soul and mind and body in spotless integrity until the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is utterly faithful and he will finish what he has set out to do.”

Ask God to be faithful and present in your marriage, and watch Him finish what He has set out to do!

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The Raw Struggles of a Homeschool Mom

2 May

I make plans. They look so good on paper. I feel optimistic, like maybe I could actually get all the stuff done that needs to get done. I’m not being unrealistic. Maybe ambitious, but not ridiculous, right?

Then life happens, and I am forced to admit that yes, any ambition in my season of life with my specific kids is ridiculous. If it’s not the baby crying or needing a nap, it’s the toddler/preschooler throwing another tantrum and becoming the wedge pulling me in multiple directions. And if it’s not him, it’s my big girls complaining about school or whining about my making them clean up the messes they’ve made. And if it’s not them, it’s the dog chewing up a poopy diaper or my husband venting frustration that he can’t find the tools that HE moved. NO ONE COOPERATES. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE ASSIGNMENT.

I feel good on the days we actually do more for school than just math and reading. Not just because I feel like the girls are learning more, but also because those extras are fun. They’re creative, and not just the “bang it out so you’re done” school.

But those days are few and far between. 

This season of life — baby who won’t nap without being held and wakes up 4-5 times a night (on a good night); preschooler who is intense, loud, and over-dramatic; homeschooling 1st and 3rd grade; husband who could be (and should be) working 60 hours a week — is breaking me. Both Travis and I are being swallowed up by so much stress and chaos that we might go down with the ship, and never recover. 

What does God want? Put aside the voices of other homeschooling moms, and even my own standards, and ask, What does God want from my day? Does He want me to follow the schedule I’ve laid out in my planner, forging the path no matter who I mow down or flatten? Or would He rather me walk in obedience, which looks like trust and patience? No yelling, no forcing, no threatening. Just clear expectations, and appropriate follow through.

I can’t live that way. That’s my first response. Because how would anything get done? And how can I keep my cool when they are so stinking disobedient?!

But what if, just like tithing is an expression of trusting God to materially provide what we need, acting in love and patience was an expression of trusting God to multiply the time? Trusting that what He wants us to get done WILL get done. And whatever does not get done, didn’t need to be done.

But I don’t want to surrender control to my schedule, and my agenda. I have surrendered everything else! I have surrendered my body, my time, my sleep. I have given up my hobbies, my lunch, my sanity. Must I also surrender this?!? 

“I just want to…” The death knell of those words. That’s what I was thinking this morning. “I just want to do school so we can be done!” And “I just want to go on a freaking walk!!” Those words are my discontentment. Those words are me saying to God, “I don’t want this life. You are not enough for me.” 

After studying Jesus’s awe-full sacrifice on the cross, how could I possibly say to my Lord that He’s not enough for me? I am not enough for Him!! He is everything for me, and more. 

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. I am so overwhelmed by emotions, by frustrations and feeling thwarted by my kids in every aspect of life. Help me see and believe that YOU ARE NEVER THWARTED. Your plans are ALWAYS accomplished. Do I believe that? Do I believe that Your plans for my kids will be accomplished? 

I don’t want to admit that I’ve been wrong. I don’t want to go back to my kids, with my tail between my legs, and say that *I* was the one in the wrong this morning. Because THEY…!!! But I must. I must repent. I must choose God’s way. I must surrender. If I want true freedom, true peace, true contentment, I must do it God’s way.

Give me the strength, Lord. Give me the kind of strength You had during your trial, beating, and crucifixion. Strength borne out of complete trust in the Father’s plan.

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Comfort and Deprivation {Lent 2022}

27 Mar

We’re about halfway through the Lenten season. I don’t always give up something for Lent (I don’t believe it’s biblically necessary to do so) but I do like how it increases the anticipation of Easter, much like Advent does for Christmas.

Often when someone gives something up for Lent, they use the time or resources they would’ve spent on said thing and focus on God instead. Instead of scrolling social media, they pray. Instead of buying Starbucks, they donate to a charity. Travis and I gave up grains for Lent, which hasn’t really resulted in either a time or money savings (in fact, it has cost more money and taken more time to prepare foods that don’t contain grains).

So what’s the purpose then? Well, not eating grains has prevented me from eating the usual low-hanging fruit of cereal, bagels, quesadillas, toast, mac & cheese. And those first few days were rough, because it felt like I was hungry all the time, but couldn’t just go grab something. I had to slow down and make something to eat. As I reflected on that, I saw how my soul is constantly thirsty, but I often try to appease it by grabbing the easiest thing — another cup of coffee, a glass of wine, a movie, a book, shopping, social media. My real need is to slow down and nourish my soul with God’s word.

After those first few days, we adapted and it wasn’t as big of a struggle to not eat grains. But as the days went by, I noticed how much comfort I usually derive from my food. Not that I was emotionally overeating before, but I never felt deprived. Now I felt deprived, because certain foods that I enjoyed and wanted to eat were off-limits. The feeling of deprivation is the reason why I don’t do diets, but for the period of Lent, I let that feeling remind me that I’m not supposed to feel comfortable and satisfied here on Earth. This world is not my home. I am a sojourner, an exile.

Because we stopped buying bread, tortillas, mac & cheese, etc. during this time, the kids have also been “deprived” of their normal foods (though they do still eat some grains in the form of crackers and stuff). They have done well overall with the difference, but it gave us an opportunity to talk with the girls about the anticipation of heaven, and how we shouldn’t feel completely at home here, because the world does not love Jesus.

I will confess that I haven’t stuck to no grains 100%. There have been a few times when I was so. hungry. (breastfeeding mom here!) that I caved and ate a bowl of oatmeal. It’s also birthday season in our house (all our kids’ birthdays are March, April, and May), and we had Neola’s dedication. So there’s been some cake. But giving up something for Lent is about the heart, not some legalistic requirement. Since it has caused me to reflect on and examine my desires for creature comforts and the lack of deprivation in any area of my life (except sleep!), I would say that it has accomplished its purpose so far.

It has also shown me that while I don’t plan to continue the no-grains thing indefinitely, I do differentiate between grains that are worth eating, and grains that are not. A grain that is worth it for me is a burger bun. Eating a burger without a bun is just soooo not the same. Another would be pizza — I love me some pizza (though the cauliflower crust kind from Costco is great too!). A grain that is not worth it for me is spaghetti, or really any type of pasta. I don’t ever crave pasta, so I don’t feel deprived not eating it.

Only 3 weeks to go until Easter!

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